Tove & Madde

What can I do...

2010-02-07T14:09:00.000-08:00

Hey Guys..

How are you all doing? Better then I do I hope.. But i deserve to feel like this we all know that. But I just miss them so boths Jensen and Dennie.. its tearing my heart apart especially reading Maddes inlay and hear how Jensen really is doing.. Well I called Linus yesterday morning and said I don't want to see him ever again he got a bit upset i think but I don't care about that the most importent is my family, and I have regreated Linus from the first day I meet him can't believe how stupid I am..

Well anyway lets talk about today.
I woke up after a couple ours of sleep I slowly got out of bed and went into the bathroom where I looked myself in the mirror and my eyes where still red from all the crying. I got undressed and took a quick shower where I tried to clear my head a bit but every thing I had done just came rushing back to me so tears poured out of my eyes once again like they had done last night. When I finally manage to stop crying I took a deep breaths and got out of the shower I knew what I had to do today which where to take the bull by the horns and go and talk to Zara. I know she knew about me and Linus since Madde told her, but I also know Zara and she would like to hear it from me personally. So I got dressed and put the leash on Ebba and went outside in the cold winter weather. But even though I walked slowly I wanted to postpone the converstion I was on my way to have with Zara.
So after 2 hours I reached theirs house and knocked on the door, after a few seconds a beautiful black haired woman opend the door but she didn't say anything she just looked at me and I didn't know what to say so after a few seconds of silence I said " Can I come in?" She said with a chilly voice " Depends how much of a coward you are, I have been expacting you for over a day and it took you this long to get here." She walked into the kitchen but left the front door opend so I went inside and got undressed and let Ebba lose. I found Zara siting at the table looking at some pictures so I sat down opposite of her and said quietly "I'm so sorry..I shouldn't have done what I did I know that and I really regrat it.. and I should have told you sooner too." She put the picturs down and looked at me instead and said" For what? What are you sorry about Tove?" I said" For.. For having sex with Linus.. I'm so sorry I hurted Jensen again I can't believe it and for letting the rest of you down. " Zara said firmly" So I'm alone without my girlfriend because of you that can't stop spreading your legs apart from every man you see! " I said quitely " I'm sorry Zara.. I know you miss her" She said" Miss isn't even the first name! And second of all how could you do this when you know how badly hurt I was when Nicky cheated on me, you saw what it did to me and then you do that to Jensen! How could you?! And for so long and not telling him!" I hate having people angry with me but especially Zara since she barely never is angry so when she is then it's something serious and also I know how much she hate being angry and fighting. I answerd her carefully" I don't know why I did it and even if I had an explenation it would still not make it right what I did.. I'm a horrible person I know, I love him so much and Dennie to but I still hurt them.I'm so so sorry.." I could feel tears welling up in my eyes and burning to get out and I couldn't keep them inside of me any longer so they started to roll down my cheeks while I said" And I couldn't tell anyone because I was so embarrassed about what I was doing.. I knew it was wrong and all the more guilt I felt I just countinued to forget.. I'm such a horrible person, wife, mother, sister and friend!" The tears started to roll down my face even faster then they did before and I buried my face in my hands. I felt a hand stroking my back and Zara sighed and said" Tove you 're not.. but you are a person that has to start thinking befor she act and a person that has a few problems. I can just speak from the sister and freind part and you are an amazing sister and friend towards me especilly last year don't know what I would have done without you. I love you so much Tove but you have to but a stop to this." I cried " stop saying that I'm amazing I don't deserve it!" Zara sat down next to me and wrapped her arms around me and huged me while I cried against her shoulder. When I didn't have any more tears left I looked at her and said" I'm so sorry for hurting you and letting you know. But I want you to know I have told Linus to never call me again or visit me and that I don't want to see him ever again." she said" I know you are and good you shouldn't call him either." I said" I won't.. and most of all I'm sorry for making Madde leave with Jensen." she said" Yeah so am I. But i'm glad she can be there for him." I nooded and said" So how are you?" She said" I'm fine I promis.." I nooded towards the picure pile and asked what it was, Zara pick them up and said" It's from my photoshoot in Paris and the pictures of me and Madde." She picked one special up on her and Madde and showed me and said" I really love this one, I can't believe how beautiful she is. Most incredble woman I have ever meet." I smiled slightly and said" Yeah its a beautiful picture of boths of you, it really showes the love between you too it shine throw your eyes when you look at each other. And boths of you have amazing bodies so beautiful." Then we heard a manly voice behind us that said" I just have to agree! Amazing pictures I wouldn't mind seeing all of them." Zara just put the picture down as fast as she could with the backside up and faced Nicky and said" Nicky stop lookning at my girlfreind! She is all mine! " Nicky laughed and said" touchy! " Zara hit his arm which just made Nicky laugh more and he bend down and kissed her cheek and said" I wasn't just looking at her so you know." Zara said" Well stop looking at boths of us!" He laughed and said he was going out on a walk and said bye. Zara took the picture up again and looked at it while she gently brushed her finger over Madde and smiled slightly and I said" You are so cute when you think about her." She smiled even more and said" I would love to marry her someday.. I acutally have writen her a song I started with it before she left so maybe 2 weeks ago and my plan was to take her out for a real romntice date and sing for her but I didn't finsh it in time before i found out was going to Texas. But a couple of days ago I got done and I really want her to hear it before I get to embarressed about it.. so I record a video and sang for her I know it's really cheesy but I really wanted her to hear it. I also recorded a little message to her and told her how much I love her and misses her but I'm proud of her for being there for Jensen... and.." Zara blushed a little and I smiled and said" And what?" She said" And.. I kind of asked her a little question.. " I looked at her suprised and said" You proposed?!" Zara said" No.. or I don't know.. It wasn't suppose to happend like that it just slipped out of my mouths that when she got home I have something really special I want to ask her and so on.. so now I'm really nervious what she is gonna say about the whole thing about the song and.. the rest.. " I smiled and said" zara that's amazing! I think she will love it, when is she going to resive it?" Zara said" They said she would have it latest tomorrow.. and I also send some of her favorite candy and 'svenska natur chips'. But I'm really really nervious.." I gave her a hug and said" Everything will be okay, I'm so happy for you guys." Then David came downstairs and asked Zara if she could come and help him with somethig so she said she would be right back and went upstairs.

When she came back she made some coffee and we talked what I was going to do with all this right now.. but then my phone rang and I saw on the dicplay that it was Sofie. We had talked yesterday so she wasn't as angry anymore at least.. I picked up and she said" Hi.. how are you?" I said" I don't know..you?" she said" Been better but I have also been worse.. I'm out driving wanted to get away from home for a few minuts.. so I though maybe you wanted some comapnie?" I smiled slightly and said" I'm at Zaras why don't you come here?" Sofie said" Yeah be there in a few, bye." We hang up and the Nicky came back home and made a cuppa and sat down at the table with us and talked a bit. When it knocked on the door Zara opend and both her and Sofie came back in and she gave me a hug and said hi to Nicky and sat down next to him. Sofie saw the pile of pictures on the table and looked at Zara and asked if she could see, Zara nodded but she just showed her the pictures of her alone, Sofie looked at her and said" You are so beautiful!! How the hell can you look like this after giving births to 4 kids! I didn't even have this body before i had kids! You most have some secret? Do you eat healty?" Then Nicky brust out laughing and said" Defentlty not! She can seriously eat a whole bag of candy by herself on one evening and that happends like 4 nights in a week maybe and she rather eats sweets and cookies then food, becuse then she rather eat a sallad and later candy so no she don't." Zara just looked at him and said" I do not eat that much candy!!" He laughed and said" Yeah.. right babe.." Sofie said" Then you have to exercise alot!" Then Nicky started to laugh even more and said" Zara exercise?! I would like to see that! That would be something I would like to see acutally and now I'm going to but this as nicely as Miss Karlsson did and say that Zara rather eat a bulls balls then exercise!" We all laughed and Zara said" Yes thats true, but Nicky if someone dosn't shut up someone elses balls will get cut off. " Nicky said" You are just so funny!" Zara laughed and said" But he does have a point i guess.. But I most have good metabolism or something." Sofie said" Well you look amazing." Zara smiled and said" Thanks, you wanna have that shoot with me someday as we talked about? " Sofie got a huge smile on her face and said" I would love too!! It will be great, how would you like to do it?" Zara smiled and said" I get to help? Its not every day I get to do that it just when me and Kevin play around a bit for fun.. that just came out so wrong." We laughed and Sofie said" Fuck... I just remember that Jim is working alot this week so don't know if I can leave the kids.." I said" I can take them." She said" You sure you are up for that??" I said" Yeah it might be good for me.." Sofie kissed my cheek and turned to Zara and said" Maybe on Tuesday?" Zara smiled and said" Sounds great." Sofie said" Then we have a date." Nicky said " speaking of date, Zara where are we going to eat tonight?" I said" You have a date?" Zara said" Just a friendly dinner date since me and Nicky have barely talked this last year and we still would love to be freinds with each other we thought this would be a good start. Maybe we should go to that new indian resturant?" Nicky nodded and said" Sounds good.So have you talked to Madde today?" Zara shook her head and said" No I havn't talked to her in two days but i think im going to text her tonight and hear if she want to have Skyp date with me tomorrow I would love to see her smile again... and what she thinks about my suprise i send her.. " Nicky looked confused and said" What suprise?" Zara smiled shy and said" I wrote her a song.. " He looked at her suprised and said" I want to hear it! " Zara said" No its Maddes. " He said" You never wrote me a song.." she laughed and said" Thats because you never deserved one and you never wrote me a song either so zip it Byrne." Nicky gave her a mischievous smile and said" So you are not going to have a sex skype date then?" Zara sighed and said" None of your busniess!" I looked at the big clock on the kitchen wall and it showed that it was soon 4 in the afternoon so I said" Maybe I should get home.. " Sofie told me she could give me a ride home so we said goodbye and left.

When she parked outside my apartment house I said" You wanna come in? I can make dinner if you like?" She smiled and said" Sounds good, if you want company?"I smiled slightly and said" I would love to it's so.. lonley and quiet without Jensen and Dennie." Sofie took my hand and said" I'm sorry to say it but its your own fault... but I do feel sorry for you that you think you have to cheat for some reason.." I said" I know..Shall we?" She nooded and we went inside and I started to cook some pasta with some kind of sauce, I'm not really hungry this days but I figured i should try to eat something at least. Sofie helped with setting the table and of course keeping me companie. We ate in silence for a long while then Sofie said" So... have you talk to him today?" I shook my head and said" No.. it's still quite earlie there and I know he and Madde where out partying last night and he was wasted.. and tried to kiss her and then wanted to have sex with her..." She took my hand and said" He's just upset and you can't blame him." I answerd quickly " I don't! I know he is sad and that he was drunk.. but it still hurts. " she said" Thats good because if it didn't hurt that would mean you didn't care and maybe didn't even love him. And I can see that you are truelly sorry for everything and that you love him.. but that might not be enough and we can't blame him for that.. Sorry but I'm just saying the truth." I got up and started to put the dishes away and sofie said" Tove.." I stoped doing what I was doing and said" You are right.. maybe i should try and call him." Sofie nooded and I walked into the bedroom and sat down on the bed and took a deep breaths and dialed his number. After a couple of signals I heard a tired hangover voice that sounded quite angry say" What do you want?" I sighed and said" Jensen.. I'm so sorry..I really really am I know I told you that all ready but I really mean it." He said even more angry" What do you want Tove?! " I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I said" I want you Jensen, I love you." Then Jensen yelled at me" Who the hell can you say that you fuking love me!! You have no right to tell me that after what you did with that asshole! You let him touch you, kiss you and fucking do you!! Even though you know what I feel for you and I have taken care of you and loved you with all my heart!! So shut up you have no right to tell me that you love me after that!!" I was crying my eyes out, sure he had been angry with me before but I had never heard him use that tone to me..never and it was scary.. I could barely say anything so I cried out" I'm so sorry.." Then He just hang up.. I just sat there crying with the phone still pressed against my ear. I feelt a hand removing the phone, then sofie put her arms around me and I cried against her shoulder. It knocked on the door and i tried to dry away my tears as good as I could but it didn't help and Sifie stroke my cheek and said" I will opend it." She walked away and meanwhile I went into the bathroom and put on some more make up so I would look a little better at least. When I got out of there Sofie was in the livingroom and she said" It was a nice woman called Oliva saying that the party started in two hours and she really hope you would be there." I said" That was today.. just great.. " Sofie said" And i said you would be there." I looked at her like she where insane and she said" I think it might be good for you to get to know the neighbours." I sighed and said" I need to bring something eatble as well.." I walked into the kitchen and decied to make two pineapple pies. When I had but them in the oven I went in to my walk in closet to see what to wear and after a while i decied for a black quite simple dress that wasn't to fancy, and i fixed my hair and make up and put on a pair of really high heels. I walked back out to the kithen where Sofie had taken out the pies and she looked at me and said" Wow!" I said" Good or bad? " She smiled and said" Amazing, you look amazing." I said" I thought I should make an effort so hide the inside.. is it to much?" She shook her head and walked over to me and kissed my forhead and said" No you're beautiful honey. " I said" Can you come? Please? " She took my hand and said " Lets go, we are all reday late."

I rang on Ludvig and Olivas doorbell and after a few seconds Oliva opend up with a smile on her lips and said" You came! I'm so glad to see you! And you too Sofie!" I tried to smile and act like everything was great and we stepped inside where alot of people where. Oliva took the pies and said" Go ahead there wine, and beer and so on in the livingroom, take what you like." Before we enter the livingroom sofie looked at me and said" You okay?" I just looked at her and said" I need something to drink. " We poured up a wine glass for boths of us and then a man in maybe his earliy thirties and said that his name was Leo and lived in the apartment on the third floor, I shook his hand and said" I'm Tove, I live in the penthouse, and this is my freind Sofie." He smiled and said" Right you are married to that cute guy from Supernatural. " I nodded and he nodded towards a dark haired guy on the other end of the room and said" That's my boyfreind Joel." We smiled and sofie said" He's cute." Leo laughed and said" Yeah I have to agree with that." Sofies phone started to ring and she walked away to answer meanwhile Leo showed me who the rest of the neighbours where. When Sofie came back she told me Oliver had got fever, I said" You should go he needs you I understand." She said" Sure you will be okay? Because I stay if you need me." I said" No go he needs you more, I will be okay and I call you tomorrow." She gave me a hug and said goodbye to Leo and me. More and more people where coming to talk to me and when i had said hello to everyone even Joel it started to get late and I was quite tired after trying to keep a smile on my face the whole evening so I decied to go home. I meet Leo and Joel in the stairways and Joel smiled and said" Yoour apartment most look amazing it does from the outside at least." I said" Well why don't you come up with me and I saw you." They smiled and we walked in to the elavator. They where so cute together such a sweet couple and wen we got in to the aprtment we got greeted by Ebba and they where really impressed by the whole place, I said" It's acutally Jensen that suprised me with this place after he had made it built." Joel said" Isn't that just the most adorable thing ever!" I smiled slightly and said" Yes it is, he is amazing." Leo said" Where is your husband? " I said" He.. he when to Dallas to visit his family and he took our daughter Dennie with him.." Leo answerd " how long are they staying?" I looked away and said" I don't know.." Leo said" Oh.. I would love to meet him and your daughter.. " I said" Yeah.. hopefully soon." He said" I'm sorry if i said something wrong.. " I shook my head and said" No you didn't I promise.. It's my fault so don't worry. " Joel kissed Leo and took his hand in his and said" Maybe we should get going honey." He nodded and said to me" You are always welcome to us just so you know." I smiled slightly and said" Thank you, Nice to meet you guys." they said" You too, bye" "bye" I closed the door behind them and poured up another wine glass and picked up my computer, so here I'm alone crying after my daughter that I miss more then anything and my husband as well.. I'm not writhing because I want any kind of sympathy I'm just telling you.
Well I should take a quick walk with Ebba now and then try to get some sleep..
You will hear from Madde tomorrow.. i guess.

Take care!
Love Tove

Despair and Heartache

2010-02-06T07:54:00.000-08:00

Heya!

Today I'm not going to start my inlay with telling you lot how pissed off I am at Tove cuz you already know that so all I'm going to say is that I'm glad that mum did what she did, I'm both angry and glad for what Johan did, standing upp for Tove and one last thing is that I miss Tim... And not in the way you think with his amazing body and brilliant sex but just spending time with him, he is a good guy and he loves his family and friends. I miss talking to him and I think I have to call him some day.

Anyway let's talk about today shall we?

I woke up after just three hours sleep because Jensen started to move. I looked at him and he quickly closed his eyes and pretended to sleep. I smiled slightly and ran my fingers through his hair and got up from the bed. I put on one of his old shirts and looked down on him again and he was still pretending to sleep so I gently pressed my lips against his cheek and then went to Dennies crib and picked her up and went downstairs. Donna and Alan were sitting at the table and she said "Up so early?". I nodded and said "So is Jensen but I don't think he wants to talk or so because he is pretending to sleep...". She nodded and said "When did you two fall asleep last night?". I shrugged and said "about three or four hours ago... I'm dead tired but I can't sleep any longer.". She nodded and I put Dennie down in Alans lap and began pouring up a big cup of coffee and sat down at the table with them. I took a sandwich and said "So Tove called you last night?". Donna nodded and said "Yes and she is really broken up about it.". I mumbled "I bet!" but said "Yeah well I know you care about her but your son is worth more her.". She said "That isn't my place and not yours either.". I sighed and said "I don't care, she's hurt him more times than I can count and I'm done with that! i can not just go by and not care when Jensen is hurt! I can't stand to see him hurt because I know how it feels, I suppose everyone does but everyone hasn't been hurt by the love of their life.". Then we heard a deep voice say "It's okay Madde... Don't worry about me, I'm okay.". i looked at Jensen with his bloodshot eyes and bloated face, I got up and walked over to him and said "Are you okay?! yeah right, come here.". I draged him to the hallway mirror and said "Look at yourself and then tell me if you are okay or not.". He sighed and I turned him towards me and put my hands on his arms and looked him deep in the eyes and said "You are not okay Jensen, I know it. I'm so sorry. Jensen, I love you and I care about you and I can't take seeing you like this again. She's not good enough for you.". He bit his lip and then said "But what am I going to do? I love her!" he started crying again and hugged me and I just held him while he cried against my shoulder. I whispered "It's okay... I know... I know..." while I tried to comfort him and after a while he dried his tears and siad "I'm starving.". I gave him a trying smile and he smiled back and I said "Let's get you some food.". He nodded and when I was about to walk pass him back to the kitchen he grabed my arm and siad "Thank you. Thank you for being here for me and for careing about me.". I put my palm against his cheek and said "Of course, I do anything for you.". He gave me a crooked smile and then we walked back to the kitchen and continued with the breakfast. While we ate Donna asked "So what are you going to do today?". Jensen shrugged and I said "Well can't we do somthing fun? You said that we had to go to Whataburger or whatever it was called.". Jensen smiled and said "Yeah you have to try a burger form whataburger!". I smiled and said "Alright, lunch?", Jensen smiled and nodded and said "You bet! It's lunchdate!". I smiled and said "brilliant! and after lunch? what then?", he thought for a while and then he said "I don't know.". I said "Can't we go out tonight? You can show me a good place to go out and drink and dance!". He said "I don't feel like it Madde.", I sighed and said "oh come on Jensen! You need it! Trust me! please!". He sighed and looked at me with my puppyeyes and said "Fine!". I smiled and said "YAY!", and he just shook his head but I know that I saw a shadow of a smile on his face.

When we had eaten we excused ourselfs and went to Jensens room again. He sat down on the bed let out a loud sigh and I walked over to him and sat down on the floor and leaned against the bed and said "Life sucks sometimes huh?". I just saw him nod in the corner of my eye so I sat up on my knees infront of him and took his hands and said "Jensen please let me help you though this. I know how hard it is to feel the way you do and I had someone there to help me through it and I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't had him...". He looked up at me and looked a bit confused and said "Him?", I nodded and said "Yeah, Shane...". He nodded and said "When Nicky hurt you?". I nodded and felt a stabbing pain in my heart when I thought about it and said "Yeah, every time when nicky hurt me.". He said "But you weren't together...", I said with a sharp voice "Does that matter?! I loved him more than life itself! I would have done anything for him, and I mean anything!". He nodded and put his hand om my cheek and said "I'm sorry! I know you would, I know. It doesn't matter if you are together or not, it's what you feel that matters.". I nodded and siad "So will you let me help you?". He nodded slowly and said "Yes, thank you madde.". I smiled and got up and pulled him to his feet so that i could hug him and then I said "Now let's do something fun! what can we do my little Texan man.". He laughed and said "Well, it's pretty warm outside so we can go to th beach and see if the water is warm enough to swim?". I smiled and clapped my hands and said "I knew it was a good idea to bring a few bikinies!". He laughed and said "pack your stuff and lets go!". I quickly ran to the wardrobe and got a red bikini which I put on and the I dumped some underwear in a bag together with Jensens and a few towels. I took Jensens hand and dragged him out of the room and we put on our shoes and I said "Car or walk?". He said "Well if we take the car we can go to Whataburger at once after the beach.". I nodded and grabbed the keys and we said goodbye to Donna and Alan and drove off to the beach.

When we got there and got out of the car the warm summer breeze hit my face with an amazing smell of ocean in it and I just smiled, closed my eyes and enjoyed it. I opened my eyes when I felt Jensens hand on my arm and I met his gaze and said "This is brilliant.". He smiled and said "Let's go.". There was a lot of people at the beach but we found a place to put our towels and I took my clothes off and laid down on my stomach. Jensen laid dow beside me but then he said "Maybe I should use some sunscreen...". I sat up quickly and said "So should I, did you bring some?". He shook his head and said "no but I think we can buy some over there." and pointed at a kiosk not far from there. I nodded and he said "I'll be right back." and left me sitting on the towel. I looked out over the blue water and in a way felt really at home eventhough I was so far from home. I started to think about Zara and picked up my phone and texted her "Hi baby, I miss you. Hope everything is well over there. Tove called Jensen last night and told him that she is cheating on him so he is really broken down... Might not call you today because of that but know that I love you and miss you lika crazy! Kisses!!". It didn't take long untill I got an answer that read "Hey honey, I miss you too! Oh my god... I can't believe it. Give Jensen a big hug from me and of course I understand if you don't call. Take care of him and yourself. I love you Madde. Kisses.". I smiled and put the phone down when Jensen came back and he said "Did you talk to Zara?". I shook my head and said "Nah, I texted her and she sends her love to you.", he nodded and thanked and then he said "Here you go." and handed me the sunscreen. I took it and said "Do you mind? I can't reach my back.". He nodded and I laid down on my stomach and undid the bikinitop and waited for Jensen to help me out, but he didn't... I turned my head and looked at him and said "Jensen?" and it was like I scared him because he twitched and siad "What? Oh sorry!". I asked "What are you sorry for?", and I could tell how he blushed a bit and said "nothing..." and then he said "Lay down!". I laughed and laid down and he just said "Shut up!", which made me laugh even more. He satrted to laugh as well but finally I felt his hands starting to rub the sunscreen onto my back. It felt really good and I closed my eyes and said "While your at it can't you give me a massage?". Jensen chuckled and began to massage me and GOD it felt gooooood!!! After about 20 minutes he stopped and said "There, did it feel good?". I nodded and knotted my top again and sat up and said "That was amazing.", he smiled and then I gave him a cheesy smile and siad "Was it as good for you as it was for me?". He laughed and gave me a cheesy smile too and siad "of course it was darling.". I laughed and said "Do you need help to?". He nodded and laid down on his stomach and I squeezed out some cream in my palm and looked at his gorgeous back and genlty placed my hands on it and began rubbing it in. When I was done I laid down next to him and after a while I asked "How are you feeling?". He turned his head and looked at me with his green eyes and said "I don't know... For a while I actually didn't think about it but then it came rushing back to me... What have I done wrong Madde? Haven't I shown her how much she means to me and how much I love her?". I reached out my hand and put it on his neck and said "nothing Jensen, you have done nothing wrong." I felt a burning sensation in my eyes and knew that I was close to tears and Jensen said "Then why does she keep doing it?". I shrugged and said "I don't know... But it's not your fault, at all! It's just hers. You are just to good for her jensen. If you were mine, I would never hurt you.". He looked at me with sad, intense eyes and said "Are you sure?". i nodded and siad "Yeah, I'm sure. Please don't blame yourself...". He slowly nodded and then I said "Come on, let's go to the water.". He gave a crooked smile and we got up and I took his hand and said "Let's think about something else.". He nodded and then he got a mischievous smile "last one in!" and began to run. I laughed and yelled "No!" and ran after him but of course I didn't catch him untill we got to the water and he turned to me and said "You lose!" I threw myself at him and we fell down in the water and laughed and I hit his arm and said "you cheated!". He laughed and said "No I didn't!", I splashed water on him and he just laughed and dived under and grabbed my legs and pulled so that I lost my balance and fell into the water. I thought that I should trick him so I stayed under the water while I saw him on the surface laughing and then when he noticed that I didn't get up and was just laying under the water he quickly pulled me up and looked so worried. I was still acting hurt and he said with a worried voice "Madde! Oh my god, I'm so sorry! Are you okay?". By then I couldn't keep myself from laughing any longer so I cracked up and he got annoied and siad "Don't do that!". I laughed and stood up and said "You should have seen your face!". He still looked at me annoied and I stopped laughing and bit my lip and looked at him and said "Sorry...". I say a twitch in the corner of his mouth so I gave him my puppydog look and siad "Jensen... I'm sorry.". Then he couldn't keep from smiling any longer and he said "Fine! But don't do it again.". I laughed and hit his shoulder playfully and he just smiled at me.

We staied at the beach until noon and then we went back to the car to drive off to WhataBurger. We didn't say much in the car but then "Bed of Roses" started to play on the radio and I just couldn't help myself and started to sing in a low voice. Jensen looked at me and when I noticed I quickly kept my mouth shut and he siad "No, continue.". I shook my head and said "Hell no! I sound like a dying cat when I sing. You can sing! You are amazing!". He shook his head and said "It wasn't that bad. And no thank you, I will not sing.". I gave him a look that said "Seriously!" and siad "You can not tell me that it doesn't sound horrible when I sing!". He laughed and said "Yes I can Madde. Who ever told you that you suck is lying.". I shook my head and said loudly to myself "Geez, you are not all there are you.". he laughed and then siad "whatever... Turn right here.". So I turned right where he said and quickly had to move my ass out of the way because some stupid son of a bitch was driving on the wrong side of the road! I pressed down the horn and gave him and angry ass look and he stopped the car. I pulled over and Jensen tried to grab my arm but wasn't fast enough because I had already stepped out of the car and walked with fire in my eyes over to the other car. Jensen got out of the car and ran over to me and grabbed my arm and siad "Madde calm down! Don't do anything stupid!!". I shook him off and ripped the cardoor open and looked at the man sitting there. He just looked at me and I felt even more anger build up in me and i took a hold of his jeansjacket and pulled him out of the car. I pushed him against the car and yelled "What the fuck are you doing!!!". He just looked at me and I could tell at once that something just wasn't right. I looked into his eyes and his pupils were huge! I held the guy towards the car and gave Jensen a meaningful stare which he understood as "call the police!", he picked the phone out and called. I just kept staring at the idiot who was driving under the influence of drugs and just wanted to punch his face in! How can someone be so careless that they take drugs and then decides to drive! And in the middle of the day as well!!! After a while Jensen put a hand on my shoulder and whispered "They're on thier way.". I nodded and the guy said "What the fuck did you call the policed for!" and tried to stand up straight again but I just puched him back against the car and said "Because you are a stupid motherfukker and you could have killed someone! You almost killed us!". And then he did the most stupid thing ever... He laughed... He fukking LAUGHED!!! I just couldn't handle it, I felt the anger bubbling up and my fist just went straight to his face. Jensen quickly grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him and siad "No!". The guy put his hand over his mouth and nose and it started filling up with blood. I just stared at him and the just in time a policecar pulled over and two men stepped out. They walked over to us and then looked at the man and one of them said "What happened?" While the other one checked the guy up. I told the cop exaclty what had happened and that I flet like I had to stop him before he got someone killed. And then he asked "Was any of you hurt?". Jensen and I shook our heads and then he siad "Why is he bleeding?". And then Jensen said "It was self-defence, he tried to get a hold of her and she felt cornered and punched him.". The cop looked at me and I nodded and said "I was afraid that he was going to hurt me... you can't really blame me, I mean, look at him! He's stoned! He doesn't know what the fuck he is doing! He can do what ever he wants and when they have drugs in their systems they are incredibly strong!". The cop nodded and said "I understand. Well, we'll take him to the station and get him sober and then we will give him a fit punishment for the crime he has comitted.". We nodded and he said "Thank you for your help. You have a good day now. Sir, Miss.", and touched his hat and nodded towards us. It felt like I was in a western or something! it was really cool and when Jensen and I walked back to our car he said "Why are you smiling". I looked at him and siad "that was cool!". He glared at me and said "What?" and I said "Not the whole almost crashing part but the thing with the cop and the whole western feel to it.". He slowly shook his head while smiling and siad "You are wierd!". I smiled and said "No, I'm just not like everyone else.". He smiled and said "No you're not, you're just the way you are. And that's the way you should be because it's great.". I smiled and continued driving to WhataBurger and soon enough we were there, got a table and our hamburgers and started to eat.

After lunch we just drove around in Dallas for a while and the we went back home nad just hung out on the back yard together. It was really nice and time totally flew because suddely Donna came out and said that it was dinner so we ate and then we went to our room and Jensen got in the shower and I began looking through my stuff to find something to ware when we went out. I settled for a super cute white cocktail dress which I ahd never worn before. When Jensen finally came out it was my turn so I took the dress in with me and took a quick shower, put my dress on, made my hair and put my make-up on and then I walked out of there and into Jensens room. He turned around as he heard me comeing and his jaw just dropped when he saw me. I gave him a shy smile and said "How do I look?". He had to shake his head to stop staring at me and then said "Wow! are you really going out like that?". I smiled adn nodded and he said "Great, I'm going to be hated at the club I can tell you that.". I frowned and said "Why?" and he said "Because all the guys are going to hate me because I'm there with you are they aren't.". I stepped closer to him and said "Well that is their problem, we are just going to let our hair down and enjoy the evening, right?". He nodded and I gave him a hug, nuzzeld into his neck and said "Don't think so much tonight, just enjoy yourself.". He nodded, held me close and said "I'll try, I promise.". I smiled and kissed his cheek and said "Thank you. Now, let's go.". He nodded and we walked into the livingroom where Donna and Alan were watching tv and both of them looked up as we walking in and Donna said "Wow Madde, you look amazing.". I smiled and thanked her and Alan siad "Yes you do. Jensen take care of her tonight.". He nodded and said "Yes dad...", and I just smiled and took his hand a squeezed it. He looked at me and said "Ready?", I nodded and said "Ready when you are." and with that we went out to the cab that was waiting out front and drove off to the club.

The line to the door was super long but Jensen just took my hand and walked up to the guard and said "Hey man.". The man looked up and said witha suprised voice "Jensen! You're home!". Jensen laughed and shook the mans hand and siad "Yeah, had to come a visit my folks, you know.". He nodded and then looked at me and siad "Damn man! You got a good job, good money, nice car and very pretty missis.", and winked. Jensen shook his head and said "No man... she's just a friend.". His eyes got huge and said "You shouldn't say that out loud then someone might steal her.". Jensen laughed and put a hand around my shoulders and said "I'm not worried, this gild knows what she wants, takes what she wants and can take care of herself.". I smiled and the man gave me a cheesy smile and siad "Just my kind of gal then.". I gave him a flirty look and siad "unfortunately you are not my kind of man..." and Jensen just laughed while the man looked disappointed and opened the rope for us. We thanked him and walked into the club and the loud music and people. We went straight over to the bar and Jensen got a beer for himself and a Sexual Trance for me and then we sat down at a table for two and enjoyed our drinks. There were a lot of people there and it didn't take long before a guy came up to me and said "You wanna dance?". He was really sleek and ugly so I just shook my head and said "Not in a million years.". He looked bumed and turned and walked away and Jensen said "Why didn't you dance with him?". I glared at him and said "With him!? He was so icky and so not my type.". He laughed and siad "Well will you dance with me or am I too icky and soooo not your type either?". I laughed, stood up and said "Let's go handsome!", he laughed and got up and we went to the dancefloor and had a good time. After a few more beers and drinks we were really getting loose and having a blast and then all of the sudden a girl came up and grabbed Jensens hand and turned him around so that he was facing her and she bagan to grind agaisnt him like a fucking stripper! I got so angry and grabbed Jensen and turned him back around and he said "What!?". I just stared at him and siad "What are you doing?!", he shrugged and slured "I'm having a good time... Like Tove does!". I shighed and said "So this is about her? I through we were here to just have fun and enjoy each others company!". He said "We are having fun! Aren't we?". I shook my head and he tilted his head and stepped closer to me and I could smell the alcohol on his breath and he said "We can have more fun if you like." and then before I knew it he took a hold of my neck and pressed his full lips against mine. I put a hand on his chest and gently pushed him away and looked him in the eyes and said "No... Jensen... We should go home...". He huffed and said "Hell no! I'm having a good time!". I felt so sorry for him because I could tell that he was trying so hard not to fall back into the pit of despair and heartache. I took his hand and said "Okay, I know. But we can have more fun at home.". He looked at me with blurry eyes and then smiled and siad "Okay!" so we walked out of the club and got a cab to drive us home. It was rather late so I tried to keep Jensen as quiet as possible when we got inside the house. As we walked to Jensens room he stroke his hand over my back and ended on my bum but I didn't care, he was just drunk and hurt and I just blamed that bitch Tove. I closed the door behind us and told Jensen to sit down on the bed which he did and then I said "We should get some sleep.". He stared at me and said "Weren't we going to have sex?", I put my hand on his cheek and siad "I can't have sex with you... I have Zara. Plus you are so drunk that you're not thinking straight.". At first I saw anger in his eyes, something I have never seen before and it scared me but after just a little while the look changed and he got so sad and said with a low voice "Why doesn't anybody want me?". He laid down on his side and looked so tiny that my heart just broke for him and I laid down next to him and pressed my body against his back and wrapped my arms around him and siad "Of course someone wants you! I felt any different I would definitely want you.". He turned around and looked at me and siad "Really?", I nodded and said "You are an amazing man Jensen. Any woman who would be with you would be the luckiest woman in the world. Trust me on this.". He nodded and I could tell that he we drifting off to sleep and I gently ran my fingers up and down his arm until he finally fell asleep, then I pressed my lips against his forehead and whispered "Truly amazing." and then I grabbed my computer, went to the kitchen and began to blog so here I am now but I think I should go to bed.

Tomorrow you'll here from Tove again... See how sorry she feels for herself then that stupid bitch, has no right to feel sorry for herself!!

Anyway, take care
Love
Madde

I'm so very sorry..

2010-02-05T15:34:00.000-08:00

Hi guys..
I know I'm the biggest bitch alive.. I can't believe i did that towards the person I love the most in this world..I feel so horrible. But im not saying it because I want you to feel bad for me because I don't. But from today I promise that I will be complitly honest no more lies even though that might mean you think even worse of me. But I don't care you guys can hate me or love or wharever you want I will still be honest.

Lets starts from this morning.. I woke up after just a couple ours sleep since I had been crying all night for being so fucking stupid. That phone call I did to Jensen yesterday was the worsed phone call I have ever made in my life. I don't even know if we are togethere or not.. or if he want a divorce..and I can't blame him if he do.Well anyway when I woke up in mine and Jensens apartment.. I looked around in the empty room and found Ebba lying on the floor next to the bed. I turned to my side and stroke her head and she just looked at me and started to wave her tail. I slowly got up from bed and went into the kithen opend the fridge but I wasn't really hungry so I decided to get dressed so I could take a walk with ebba in the beautiful weather. I started to search for clothes but I relized that I had to go back to moms to pack a few other things even thought I didn't want to go over there.. When I was out with Ebba my phone rang I kind of both hoping it was Jensen but at the sametime not.. because i was dreading what he was going to say. I looked at the display and there it stood 'Linus' I sighn and answerd hello, he said happy" Hi sweetie, can I come over?" I said" I told him.." he said" Jensen?" I could feel how the tears welled up again in my eyes from thinking about Jensen and tears started to roll down...and said" yeah...so I don't think we should see each other anymore.." he said " Are you crying Tove?" I said " I have to go.. " Then i just hang up. When I got home again I took the lift up to our floor when I steped out I saw Linus siting there leaning aginst my door. He stod up when he saw me and took a step closer to me and then he just wrapped his arms around me and hugged me. I could feel how close I was to tears again so I just pushed him away and said with tears in my eyes" You shouldn't be here!" he said" Tove... If you want to talk I'm here.." I said" I should go to Kristinas and get some more stuff now." he said" You mean your moms?" I nodded and he said" I drive you. You are to upset to drive, please?" I signhed and nodded I left Ebba inside and we walked downstairs to his car and got in. On the way there he looked at me and said" How are you doing? " I just looked at him and he said" You can talk to me..we have talked about Jensen before about he being sick and all that.." I said" How do you think I'm feeling.. I'm a fucking idiot! How could I do that to him.. again! It's like I just steped on his heart once again and broke it to million pieces!Biggest bitch in this world.." he drow up on the driveway. I was quite nervious since last time I talked with my family I yelled at them especilly mom.. Linus looked at me and said" Should I stay here or..?" I said" No you can come with me if you want.. I can just as well tell them the truth." we got out of the car and I rang on the door bell since I got throwen out of there.. it feelt wrong to just walk in. Johan opend up and he smile slightly when he saw me and I couldn't look him in the eyes, then i just felt his arms wrap around me and I started to cry againt his shoulder and I said" Johan I'm so sorry.. I didn't.. I.." Johan just kissed my hair and said" I know..." When i had calmed down he tried away a few tears from my face then he looked at Linus who streached his hand out towards Johan and he took it and shook it. I said" Where is mom?" he said" In the kitchen with the rest of the family.." I nodded and walked in there and when mom saw me she smiled slightly and said" Honey I'm so sorry I lied to.. you" When she said that Linus walk into the kithen too with Johan and mom just looked at me and then him again and said with a cold voice" Who is this?" I said" Thanks for judgeing me all ready mom, shows me how much you trust me. But I guess you shouldn't trust me. " Mom asked again " Who is he? your friend?" I said" What the fuck I can just as well just say it. This is Linus, and yes we are having sex." I could see how the whole family was staring at me and Linus. But mom was the worsed she looked like she was going to kill me, which she was if Johan hadn't stopped her. She looked at my sibblings and told them to leave, all of them looked at me sad and disappointed, I feelt horrible. When all of them had left she tured to me and I could see in her eyes how angry she was and there isn't words to expline it. Johan tried to calm her down she just started at him furious then she starte to yell at me " Are you really my daughter?! No your not! You are your dads daughter, leaving your daughter and your husband for some dick! Thats what he did and you are not that much better! He was a fucking dickhead and you are such a whor....." Then Johan stepped in and said" Kristina don't call your daughter that you have all ready said things you will regerat we boths know that and if you call her the W word she would probobly never forgive you again! And even though Tove made a fucking stupid thing dosn't mean you don't love her and whatever she have done you have no right to call her that!! " She was just staring at him furious and I said disappointed" Johan it's okay... It's good to know what she really feels about me. I'm a bitch and whore I know so thanks mom for telling me and for being so honest. I will go and pack a few things now and I will come back and do the rest tomorrow then you never have to see me again. " Mom still looked just as angry and she was now staring at Linus and said" You are getting out of my house now!!" I said " He is leaving when I'm ,which will be in maybe 20 minuts." I looked at Linus and said" Come on.. " he nodded and we walked upstairs and into mine and.. Jensens room which feel very weird and empty.. Linus walked around and picked up a pic of me, Jensen and Dennie he smiled slightly and said" She is beautiful." I smiled and said" Yeah she is, thanks. Did my mom scare you?" He said" No not at all, I'm not so easy scared. But I can't believe she almost called you that. " I said" Well its true and she has a bit of a temper.." he laughed and said" A bit? " I lauged and said" Fine alot then. " Then he said" About your dad.. where is he?" I signed and said" He left when I was 14.. one morning he just wasn't there and we never heard from him either. Intil a couple of years ago when Madde meet him.. and they sleeped together.. then the months went by and in Novembere last year I found his daughter and my sister Maja that is now staying with us since he is a dickhead.. " Linus said" I'm so sorry Tove.. he is a fucking stupid son of a bitch and you all deserve better them him." I said" I know.. but mom was right.. I'm just like him. Before Dennie got born I was acutally worried about it, that I was going to become him and be a terrible parent and both Jensen and Madde told me that was silly. But I guess I wasn't so silly... " I went into my closet and started to back a few bags, I looked at Jensens clothes and I picked up a t-shirt and smelled it that was so amazing but at the sametime so painful.. I acutally packed a few of his t-shirts down and one of Dennies teddys too. Gosh what I miss her, more then anyone else. When I was done after 15 minuts I walked out with my bags in the rest of the room and found Linus siting on the bed, he said" Are you done?" I nodded and he took my bags and I looked around in the room one more time and thought about all the good memorys that had been in there. Like me and Madde how we use to sit there talking about boys especilly her boys when we where younger, how we sat there laughing at some stupid things that wasn't really funny but we still couldn't stop laughing, how we sat there on my bed making up a plan how we could sneak out without mom knowing it, how we put make up on each other and fixed each others hair or just have how we sat there without saying anything beacuse that wasn't needed we boths knew exatlly what the other one was feeling and thinking. Then I couldn't imadgen a day without her being there near me holding my hand throw everything, I might been the strongest of us but she was absolutly the bravest of us, she was my sister, my best friend and my heart and soul... now she is my sister and my... enemy. How we of everyone could end up like this is still a qustion. Thoughts that also crossed my mind was when Jensen moved in here, how we sleeped our first night here together, how we could lay there and cuddle for hours, how people walked in on us while we had sex and we just laught about it, how he told me he loved me, all the times he was there for me and I was there for him, how I told him I was pregnant and the first time we took Dennie home and how happy we where. My thoughts got interupted of Linus voice asking if I was okay, and I just nodded and slowely closed the door behind me. I ran into Tim in the hallway and I just looked at him and said" I'm so sorry.. " He said " You don't have to tell me you are sorry, I mean I don't like what you did but Tove you are my big sister and you will always be and I will always love you no matter what you do." I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around him and kissed his cheek and said" I love you too.." He said" If you need me just call me." I nodded and let go of him and we walked downstairs. Mom was in the whole way and she was still very angry I looked at her and said" I'm sorry, I really am for everything. " Then I looked at Linus and said" Let's go." We sat down in his car and he started to drive towards my apartment.

When we got back to my place and I sat down in the sofa hugging my knees, Linus looked at me and said" I'm sorry Tove.. " I said" You have nothing to be sorry about, It's my fauilt. You are singel you can do whatever you want. " he didn't say anything and then his phone rang and he picked up and started to talk. I thought about Zara.. the person I dreaded to tell the most after Jensen.. because I know how disappointed she was going to be with me because Nicky cheated on her and after that I undestand that she have thouse feelings about people that cheat. It's diffrent what Nicky did since there was feeling involved which is worse but what I didn't isn't so much better.. and I kind of knew that Zara all ready knew since she probobly had talked with Madde. But I know Zara to well to know that she wants me to tell her herself.. and also I lied to her when she asked what was going on with me, and all that I yelled to her the other day... Then my thoughts got inturpted my Linus and he said" That was my mom, I have to go I promised her to help out with a few things." I nodded and he said" Call me if you need something." I said" yeah, have fun. bye." "Bye" he left. I looked at the time and it was almost 5 in the afternoon which means it was around 11 in the day in Dallas.. I picked u pmy phone dialed Jensens number.. but he didn't pick up and I can't blame him. But I really wanted to talk to him so I dialed Donna and Alans number. After a few signels Donna answerd and I just feelt so horrible and gulty for hurting her son again.. so I didn't say anything, she said hello again and I said" Hi Donna..it's Tove.." she said with a soft voice " Hi sweetie, how are you?" I said" That dosn't matter." she said" Of course it does, so how are you doing?" I signed and said" You should stop being so nice towards me, you should yell at me and tell me how bad I am for your son.. and that you never want to see me again.." she said" Whats going on between you and Jensen isn't really my place to be. I love you and I will always do that and you will always be a part of this family. What you did I'm not saying that is right, its a horrible thing and you should have known better especially since you are married now and have a daughter. But it dosn't change that I love you and I still care about you." Tears started to roll down from my eyes and I said" Im so deeply sorry! I really am! I'm such a horrible person." Donna said camly" shhh sweety calm down, I know you are but it isn't me you should say that too." I cried " Can I talk to him please?" She said" He is finally sleeping I think.. but I can go and wake him up." I said" No! Let him sleep he need that. Please just tell him I called and that I really want to talk with him.." She said" Okay I will do that, Tove if you ever need to talk don't heist to call me or Alan or someone else in our family. " I said" Yeah thanks, take care. Bye." She said" Bye honey." We hang up and then it knocked on my door and I could feel how nervious I got becuase I was so sure that it was going to be Zara standing there, so I took a deep breaths and opend the door, but instead of a black haired beauty was a blonde haired beauty. I just looked at Sofie and didn't know what to say. Then she said" Is it true? is it true that you had an affair? I didn't want to believe Madde when she called me the first time or the second time.. but when you lied to me and said you speand the night with Jensen I believed you and then I found out you wasn't with him. So Tove tell me the truths for once." I looked down and said" Its true.. " She nodded and I could see how disappointed she got and then I said" You want to come in?" she steped inside and I closed the door behind her. I said" How did you know I was here?" she said" Well I went by your moms and she said that you had moved.." I nooded and when she had gotten undressed she just looked at me and said" Who is he? " I signed and walked over to the sofa and sat down and she followed my lead and I said" His name is Linus.. his 28 and he works as a personal trainer and he is singel." she nodded and said" He knew you were married?" I said" Yeah.. i told him the first time I meet him. Which was for a couple of weeks ago when you and me was out at the club, that night you was dancing with that tall brown haired guy with thouse amazing brown eyes, do you remebere?" She nodded and I countinued " Well that night i meet Linus he started to dance with me and after that bought me a drink and we just sat there talking intill i found you and we went home. And the next time we was out I also ran into him but he was leaving so I gave him my numbere just to take a coffiee and talk nothing else.. and one thing lead to the other..and here I'm again.." she shook her head and said" How fucking stupid are you?! Jensen is like the best man you could find or for that matter anyone could find in this world! Then you go and screw that up just because you are horny or something! What the hell Tove. " I signed and said" I know.. " she said" Why did you do it?" I said" I don't know, because I'm a bitch? And for some reason I can't make Jensen happy. I was right about one thing at least.." she looked at me confused and I said" That we never should have gotten married, because he deserves better then me." she said" Between you and that Linus guy is there any feeling involved?" I said" No, not at all, not from my side at least. " she said" Good, if it was then I would have killed you which I still feel like doing! Jensen loves you more then life itself and then you go and do that fucking stupid thing!! If I ever had a man like Jensen I would hold him tight and never let him go. The thing that is making me so angry is that I know how much you love him and what he means to you, but apprently you still can be this stupid! And leaving your daughter, how the hell can you abanded her, you are her mother and she needs you more then anyone, even more then Jensen right now, and still you just think about yourself!" I didn't answer and she said" You are really getting me pissed off and I hate being angry at people especilly you since you are the closet friend that I have! So I'm just going to go now before I say something I would regrat later." She got up and got dressed and I looked at her and said" I'm sorry, I really am." She nooded and said" Good." Then she left. Now it was over dinner time but I still wasn't hungry.. so I just laied down in the sofa and started straight into the celing and I started to think about Dennie and how much I missed her, it feels like a part of me is gone when I'm not closer to her and Jensen too. Tears started to roll down my cheeks and I just laied there crying alone in the dark.

I most apprently fallen asleep when I woke up from the phone ringing and I fast pick up and I heard a voice on the other side that I missed so so much and the voice was sad, angry and disappointed and he said" What did you want?" I couldn't say anything because I could feel the tears burning in my eyes and how the lump in my throth just got bigger and then he said angry" What do you want?! " Then I coudn't hold it back anymore tears started to flush down from eyes and it left my all wet, and I cried " I'm so sorry Jensen! I love you and Dennie more then anything in this world! So I don't know why I didn't maybe because I'm a fucking idoit or the biggest bitch alive! I know you don't like when I call myself that but this time you have to agree because that's what I'm and that's nice even!!" I cried even more and he most have heard that because now his voice was softer, calmer and sweeter just as the Jensen I know and he said" You are not a bitch don't say that about yourself. And I know that you love us I do because I know you better then you think and thats why I know you are sorry to I can hear in your voice. But even though I don't know if I can do this again...people say you should always give a second chance which I have, but a third or fourth chance are you suppose to give that too?" I cried" I know I don't deserve you! But I love you so much and I need you Jensen and I hope you need me too.. or do you want a divorce?" I could hear that he was crying too and he said" Tove it's not that I don't love you because I do but I'm not sure my heart can take anymore...but at the sametime I don't know if it will ever get healed again if we break up... but what I do know is that I need time to think..." I cried" I understand that. But remebere that I love you with all my heart and that I'm so very sorry for all pain I have cause you. Please tell Dennie that I love her and that I'm sorry, also that I miss her." He sob and said" I will I promise, I give her a kiss from you. I will call you since you are Dennies mother you deserve to know that she is okay. " I said" Thank you I mean that. " He said" I know..I should get going.." I said" Thanks for calling me back..I love you. Take care, bye." He got quite and I could hear his sigh and he said" Bye" We hang up and I just started to cry even more.

After another few minuts of crying my phone started to ring so I dried my tears away and took a deep breaths and answerd and on the other end of the phone I heard Tims voice asking me how I was holding up, and tears started to roll silent down my face again and I said" I don't deserve people caring about me and asking how I'm doing.. Here I didn't this horrible thing and still there is people that care about me! You guys are insane! The only sane person right now is believe it or not Madde. " Tim laughed a little and said" Yeah well maybe I'm crazy but that dosn't mean I don't love you. Is it okay if I come by even thought its very late?" I looked at the big clock on the wall and it showed 12.33 and I couldn't believe it was that late and I hadn't even had the courage to talk to Zara today.. so I have to do that tomorrow.. and I said" I'm.. fine you don't have to." He said" Well I know I don't have to, that wasn't what I was asking you. So can I come over? " I said" If you want too." He said" Yeah I want to see your new apartment, so I be there in 20 minuts." then we hang up. After 20 minuts it knocked on my door and then I heard that it opend up and I go up from the sofa and in the hallway I found Tim saying hello to Ebba. He looked at me and smiled slightly while he got undressed and he smiled slightly and said" Hi sis." I nooded and walked into the livingroom again with Tim following me and he said" This place is fucking amazing! " I said" yeah it is." He walked over to me and wrap his arms around me while he held me tight, I feelt how he kissed my head and we just stood there for a while. When we let go we sat down in the sofa, he looked at me and said" So.. how are you?" I sighed and said" I'm..fine.." He said" You are fine? you don't look fine.. " I just looked away throw the big window and he put his arm around my shoulder and I slowly lean myself against him. He said" Do you miss them?" I said" Yeah more then anything..." He just nodded and we just sat there in silents for at least an hour but that was exatly what I needed from him and I guess he knows me better then I think, he is such a amazing man and I'm so proud of him. Then he said" Can I sleep here?" I looked at him and said" I would love that." We went into the bedroom and got ready for bed. When we boths was done and lying there I picked up the computer to blog so here I'm. I just have to say how grateful i'm to have people that cares about me and love me even thought everything I have done, I know I don't deserve them but I'm really happy and greatful there are here. I also have to say that I'm kind of greatful for Madde being there for Jensen right now, he needs that so thank you.

Well tomorrow you will hear from Madde and she will probobly be telling you all the things I'm and she is probobly so right. I have to say its a bit suprising that she hasn't called me yet I thought she would.. well well its a day tomorrow too. You will hear from me soon. Bye from this stupid whore Tove

What the feck!

2010-02-04T12:25:00.000-08:00

Heya!

Hope y'all are doing good and enjoyin your life! Well I know one who isn't but I don't give a damn about her. Especially not after what that BITCH did! I can't believe she yelled at Zara after and telling her all sorts of stuff. I will never forgive her for that and I will never ever say a good word about her ever again. So therefor this is the last time in this inlay that I'm even going to mention her, unless I'm angry and she has done something bitchy again like what she did to both mum, Zara and Jensen.

When I woke up this morning I had been dreaming of my beautiful girlfriend and for a second I tought I was sleeping in her arms so I stroke my hand over the chest I was sleeping on and noticed that two things were missing and that's when I realized that I was resting my head on Jensens chest. He murmured and turned his head and rested it against mine and I just smiled and closed my eyes and treid to go back to sleep just fora while longer. So the next time I woke up I looked up at Jensen and he had a smile on his face and said "Morning.". I smiled and siad "Morning to you too.", he pushed the covers lower down on him and said "damn it's hot in here!". I just laughed and said "I'm not even going to comment on that!". He laughed and said "Thank you! but you are like a fireplace!". I smiled and said "I know I'm hot.", he laughed and said "You just couldn't stop yourself could you?". I grinned and said "Nah, but yeah I agree it is warm in here.". I slowly got out of the warm and comfy bed just to walk over to the window and pulled the curtains away. The sun was shining straight at me and I quickly looked away from the brightness. I looked over at the bed where Jensen laid and said "This might be one reason to the heat.". He nodded and said "wonder how warm it is outside... maybe we should go out running?". I smiled and said "Yes please! I need to move my body in one way or the other.". He laughed and raised his eyebrows and said "you know you could have walked straight into that one.". I laughed and said "Yeah I could have.",then I noticed that Jensen looked at the crib and I walked over to Dennies crib and looked into her eyes. She smiled and made a happy sound and I carefully picked her up and said "I think your daddy misses you, let's go to him.". I walked over to Jensen who sat up and held out his arms and said "Should I take her?". I shook my head and sat down next to him, he smiled and stroke Dennies head and said "Good morning beautiful.". She laughed and reached for his finger which he let her take and I just smiled because it was actually pretty cute. All of the sudden there was a knock on the door and Jensen said come in and Donna opened the door. She smiled when she saw that we were up and came in. She said "Good morning.", I smiled and said "good morning Donna." and Jensen got up, kissed her cheek and said "Morning mum.". I smiled and then she said "Shoudl i take Dennie so that you guys can take a shower and get dressed?". We nodded and I handed Dennie over to her grandmother and then they left. I looked at Jensen and siad "You want to shower first?". He shook his head and said "Ladies first.", I smiled and walked pass him, as I did that I sqeezed his arm and said "You're so sweet.". He just smiled and went back to the bed and laid down and I went and got some clean underwear.

It was really nice to take a shower because it had been so warm in the room and in the bed so I felt all sticky and icky but after a nice shower I felt new and fresh again. I put on my underwear and walked out with a towel around my hair and I looked at Jensen and saw him look at me and then quickly look away. I just laughed and said "What are you doing?", he said "Get dressed Madde!", I laughed even more and went to the wardrobe and got a pair of jeans shorts and a grey top which said "Guns N' Roses" on it. Not that I'm a huge Guns N' Roses fan but because I like the style of the top. When I turned back Jensen was already gone and I heard the shower running. I smiled to myself and inspected myself in the mirror for top to toe. I was pleased with my look and went downstairs to Donna and Alan in the kitchen. They had already everything on the table so I just sat down and began to make a sandwich and a cup of coffee. Alan nodded at my outfit and said "So you thinks it warm outside?". I nodded with a piece of bread in my mouth and said "How hot is it?". Alan looked like a questionmark and so did Donna and I swallowed and said "I'm sorry, how hot is it outside?". They laughed and Alan said "about 71 degrees.", now it was my turn to look and feel like a questionmark and then I heard Jensens deep voice say "it's about 22 degrees celsius.". I smiled at him and said "Thank you!" looked back at Alan and said "You have to say it in Celsius becuase I have no idea about Farenheit!". They laughed and I just shook my head and said in swedish to Dennie "Your grandparants are a bit wierd.". Then I felt a hand on my shoulder and Jensens cheek against my ear and he said "Don't talk bad about my parents.". I smiled and looked at him and said "I didn't! I was just kidding, you know that.". He patted my shoulder and said "Yeah I know Madde, I know.". I just smiled and watched hin take a seat next to me and dig in on the food. Donna asked what we were going to do today and Jensen said "First and formost we are going out runni..." then it kind of trailed off and he looked at me and said "Why did we take a shower?". I just shook my head and laughed and said "We are doing the same thing that Jared does and that I always complain about.". He lauhged and said "Yeah! But our defence if that we only done it once and that we were almost sleeping.". I laughed and nodded in agreement. Donna and Alan just shook thier heads and donna said "so you are going ut running?". Jensen nodded and said "Yeah and then I was thinking that we should go and spend some time with Josh and Michelle.". I smiled and said that it sounded like a brilliant idea. We continued eating and when I was done I excused myself and went outside to the pool and sat down on it's side with my feet in the water. I picked up my phone and rang home. After a few tones Zara picked up and I said "Hey honey.", I could almost hear the smile on her lips when she heard my voice and she said "Hi baby!". I smiled and said "How are you?", she said "I'm good. I miss you though.. so much!". I looked down on my feet in the water and said "I miss you too honey. And I'm so so so sorry!". She didn't say anything for a while but then she broke the silence and said "For what?". I could hear the fear in her voice so I quickly said "No! no honey! I haven't done anything! I swear! I just meant for you fucking mother... I read toves inlay and she wrote what you had told her.". She let out a sigh of relief and said "Thank god. And about mum.. don't worry. Im okay.". I have to say that I felt a bit hurt and said "You really thought that I had done something? Good. I just wish I was home and could talk to you face to face.". She said "No baby, I didn't mean... I'm sorry... I wish you were here too.". I nodded and said "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get hurt. I understand, it's okay. So what are you up to then?". She said "Good.. Well Nicky is actually cooking dinner right now so that is what I'm waiting for. But you know what, I can cook alittle if you want to talk to him.". I smiled and said "okay, you can do that in a while. First i want to talk to you for a while longer.". So we talked for like 20 more minutes and then she gave the phone to Nicky who said "Hey beautiful.". I just smiled and said "Hey handsome." while I got up and walked to one of the sunchairs and laid down. He said "So how are you doing over there in the united states of america?". I said "I'm doing very well thank you. Lying here in the sun and enjoying the warmth and the birds songs.". He said "Okay now I'm seriously jealous of you! How warm is it there?". I smiled and said "It's about 22 degrees but it feels like it's warmer. Jensen and I are soon going out running.". He said "Oh good for you then! Sound pretty good, would like to be there myself.". I laughed and said "Yeah it is good for me. I can understand that.". He siad "You deserve it.", I smiled and said "Thank you Nicky. Hey, do you have any gossip to tell me?". He said "I sure do... hang on.", I could hear him walk to another room and then he siad "I went and got Zara this morning at Tove and Jensens appartment and just as we were about to walk out of their flat there was a knock on the door and a blonde man walked in.. His name was Linus and Tove said that he was a friend... Don't know if I believe her though.". While he had been talking I had gotten so angry that I had to sit up and I said "What!? I knew it! She's cheating! That Bitch!". He said "You know, it wouldn't surprice me.". I shook my head and felt so sad at the same time as I was soooooo angry and I said "I can't believe she would do this to Jensen... What am I suppose to do Nicky? Should I tell him? I doubt that he would believe me... he would want Tove to tell him.". Nicky sighed and said in a low voice "I don't know what you should do but maybe you should give tove today and if she haven't told him you'll do it. He needs to know.". I sighed and said "Fine I'll give her today and if she hasn't told him by the end of the day I will do it.". He said "Sounds good sweetie. Look, I have to go... I'll talk to you later. Love you hun.". I stood up and said "okay, yeah talk to you later. Love you too Nico. Bye.". He said goodbye and we hung up and I went back to the kitchen. I before I stepped into the room though I took a deep breath and put a smile on my face and said to Jensen "So are we goin out running some time today?". He smiled and got up from the table and said "Yeah but are you going to run in that? cuz I'm not going to run in this for sure.". I looked down on my clothes and sighed and said "No, I should change.". He nodded and put an arm around my shoulders and lead me to our bedroom. He took his t-shirt off and threw it on the bed and went to the closet and tried to find something else to wear. I went and got my running-shorts and a red slim top. I began pulling my shorts off and stepped out of them as Jensen turned around and just as fast he turned back and said "Sorry!". i shook my head and laughed and said "Jensen Ackles why do you apologize?". He said "because I thought you had already changed clothes but now you are just standing in your knickers.". I sighed and walked over to him and stopped infront of him and said "Exactly, I still have clothes on! so you mean that you would apologize and not looked at me if I was wearing a bikini?". He looked a bit uncomfortable and said "No I wouldn't.". I said "there you go, so this has nothing to do with the fact that I'm in my underwear is it?". He sighed and finally looked at me and said "It just feels wrong...", I looked into his green eyes and said "Because I'm not tove?", he shrugged and said "I don't know... I should be used to you walking around in your underwear and... well I'm basicly sleeping next to you in you underwear, well knickers and top but still.". I just gave him a small smile and said "It's okay jensen, don't worry about it.". A wry smile spread across his lips and he said "Okay. So can you get dressed so we can go out running?". I laughingly hit his arm playfully and went to the closet and put om my clothes and turned to him and said "Let's go!". He looked at me from top to toe and said "You really going to wear that?". I felt really confused and said "Yeah... why?", he said "Everybody's going to be looking at you.". I laughed and said "And since when have I been afraid of that?", I walked up to him and put my hand on his shoulder and said "I'm not tove, I'm happy with the way I look and I don't care what other people think.". He smiled and suddenly gave me a hug and said "That's good, you shouldn't care either but you already know that everyone thinks you are beautiful.". I smiled and hugged him back and then I took his hand and dragged him to the front door and we put our shoes on and went out running.

It was so nice to be out running and to see the town that way was brilliant. Jensen pointed to different buildings and things and told me about them and it was really nice. I got to know a whole other part of Jensen and I can tell that he feels so at home here. When we were on our way back after running for about an hour we heard a mans voice call out "Jensen!" and we both stopped dead in our tracks. We turned around and saw a man with short brown hair, a red flannel shirt, a pair of worn out blue jeans and some boots. Jensen had a big smile on his face and yelled "Ray!". We ran over the road and jensen gave ray a big hug and then ray looked at me and said "Damn Jensen! Good job!". I just laughed and held out my hand which he shook and I said "I'm Madde, Jensens good friend.". He looked a bit surprised and looked at Jensen who just nodded and then he said "Of course, Jensen could never get a woman like you.". I just smiled and Jensen just shook his head and said "what the hell is that supposed to mean? Like you could, still single right?". Ray gave Jensen an evil look and hit is arm and said "Whatever!", I just shook my head and said "So I suppose you are pretty good friends?". Jensen said "We actually went to school together, we were in the same baseball team.". Ray nodded in agreement but added "Yeah and Jensen was horrible at it!". We both laughed and Jensen laughed too and said "Yeah like you were so much better! All you did was look at the girls.". Ray laughed even harder and said "Yeah and I scored more than you did!". I laughed and looked at Jensen who replied "Yeah but not on the field.". I laughed and just had to point in "Yeah but who cares about the field Jensen?". Ray looked at me with eyes filled with surprise, like and astonishment and said "Yeah! exactly!". I laughed and Jensen said "Yeah Ray, Madde is not afraid to speak her mind. She is a bit like you in a way, just way better looking.". I laughed and Ray said "I actually have to agree with you there. And now she looks damn fine, all sweaty and hot.". I just gave him a cheeky smile and Jensen said "Ray behave!". I said "It's okay, He's not the first one who's ever said stuff like that to me but I'm sorry, I'm taken.". He didn't look surprised at all and just said "Yeah so? Is he here or what?". I shook my head and said "No she isn't, she's at home in sweden.". Now I can tell you that he looked surprised and said "She?!", I nodded and said "Yeah, do you have a problem with that?". His eyes where HUGE and he slowly shook his head and I saw in the corner of my eye Jensen who was smiling and shaking his head and then Ray said "You're a lesbian?". I said "No I'm not.", and now he turned from surprised to really confused and he said "But you just said...", and then Jensen laughed and said "Oh come on Madde, don't be so mean to him.". I just laughed and Ray looked at Jensen with pleading eyes and Jensen said "Yes Madde has a girlfriend but according to them they are not gay, they are completley straight. I know it's hard to keep up but try at least.". He still looked confused and looked from Jensen to me and said "Oh...". I laughed and patted his shoulder and said "Sorry for making you confused.". He just shook his head and said that it was okay and then we started to talk about some other stuff but it didn't take long until Jensens phone rang and Donna asked where we had gone off to so we said goodbye to Ray and ran home again.

When we got through the doors Donna said "Did you guys say that you were going to Josh and Michelle later?". Jensen nodded while untying his shoes and Donna said "Can you please give this to Michelle then?". I looked at the envelope she was holding out and I took it and said "Yeah of course. We just have to take a shower and then we will be off. Do you want us to take Dennie or do you want to babysit her?". Jensen looked at me quite shocked but then he smiled and Donna said "We can take her, I want to spend as much time with her as I can.". I smiled and nodded and then Donna left and suddenly I felt a quick peck on my cheek and Jensen said "Thank you.". I just smiled shyly and said "No problem... Do you want to shower first or should I?". He said "You can go first if you like.". I nodded and took a quick shower and then while Jensen showered I put on my Guns N' Roses top and shorts and put my hair up in a ponytail and put my a pair of red rose earrings in my ears. After just 5 minutes Jensen came out and put on his clothes and then looked at me and said "You look lovely.". I smiled and said "Thank you Jensen.". He nodded and said "It's not ofter you have your hair back... It's really look amazing in it, your face kind of pops...". I smiled and said "Thank you. I don't really like haveing my hair in a ponytail but I just felt like it today.". He nodded and said again "well, you look beautiful anyway.". I nodded and then I said "Shall we go?", he nodded and we went downstairs and put our shoes on and took the envelope and walked over to Josh and Michelle.

We just walked in and met Simon in the hallway, he gave us a hug at once and then yelled for his parents who came over and gave us a hug as well and I handed michelle then envelpoe and said "Donna asked me to give this to you.". She took it with a big smile on her face and said "Finally!!", I looked at her confused and then at Jensen who looked just as I felt and I said "What is it?". She walked into the kitchen and we followed her and she slowly opened the envelope and said "It's a recipe on a cake that I absolutley love!!!". I said "You get this happy for a recipe?", she looked at me and said "It's not just any recipe! It's been in the Ackles family for like years!". I looked at Jensen who just gave me a "I have no idea" look and I looked back at Michelle and nodded and said "I see... Well.. that's grand. Congratulations or something...". She smiled and began to read the piece of paper at once and Josh just told me and jensen to follow him to the livingroom which we did and he said "She's wanted that recipe since mum made that cake like 3 years ago or something.". I shook my head and said "I still don't understand how she can get that happy.". jensen laughed and said "I don't think anyone understands that.". We laughed and continued to talk for a good few hours, of course Michelle joined us after a while and we had a great time. But it was closing in on dinner time so it was time for Jensen and I to head home, we said goodbye and went on home.

When we got there Donna had just finished with the food so we just sat down at the table and ate. It was so delicious and I have to say that it is really nice with a small family like this, just four people. It's like more cozy than our dinners at home and not so much noice, I can really get used to this. Anyway after dinner we all sat down in the sofa and watched a movie until Jensens phone began to ring and he answered and excused himself and went to his bedroom to take the call... I knew at once that it was that bitch Tove. When about an hour had gone by I was really starting to worry and I also excused myself and followed him. I heard through the door that he was sobbing so I quickly opened the door and saw him sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands crying. I ran over to him and removed his hands, pulled him to his feet and hugged him. I felt so fucking sorry for him and my heart just broke into so many pieces for him. After a while I looked at him and stroke his wet cheek and said "I'm so sorry!". He sobbed and said "She's cheating...". I nodded and said "I'm sorry.... I'm so sorry.", He sat down on the bed again and I sat down next to him and he said witha low voice "She met him at a club a few weeks ago... His name is linus and they have been spending a lot of time togther...". I just got more and more angry but had to keep it inside and try to be there for Jensen instead so I took his hand and said "I'm sorry. I don't know what to say Jensen... You should try to get some sleep...". He nodded slowly and looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "What have I done?". I must have looked really confused beucase he said "What have I done to deserve this time and time again?". I felt tears burn like fire in my eyes and I said "Nothing Jensen, nothing. You are the most amazing man out there and Tove is stupid for not seeing that. She doesn't deserve you. You deserve so so much better than her.". He just looked sad and then laid down and I laid down next to him and pulled the covers over us and I held him while he tried to fall asleep. After about 3 or 4 hours he finally fell asleep and I kissed his forehead and carefully got out of bed and took the computer with me and went to the kitchen and sat down. Donna and Alan had already gone to bed and then whole house was silent. I picked up my phone and called my dear dear friend. After just a few tones Shane picked up and said "Madde?". I smiled when I heard his voice and said "Hi Shay!". It sounded like he had a big smile on his face and he said "Hey! How are you?". I couldn't help but smile because he sounded so happy and I said "I'm okay. How are you?". He said "Just okay? I'm grand.", I said "Yeah... I'm in Dallas with Jensen... Tove just called him and told him that she is cheating on his with a guy named linus...". He draw breath and said "Oh my god! Poor jensen! How could she do that?". I shrugged and said "I don't know. He's totally broken down, I finally got him to sleep but that took a great while. How could she do that to him?". He sighed and said "God poor guy... I can understand that, it most be horrible. She's a fool!". I nodded and said "It's so hard Shane... I don't know what to say to him...". He said "Sweetie... Just be there for him and you'll see,he'll come around. It will mean a lot that you are there for him.". I nodded and said "Yeah I know and I'm always here for him. I just wish that I had someone here that I could talk to... like you... some who's that close to me.". He siad "Well you know that you can call me when ever you like, day and night. I'm always here for you honey. And so is Nicky and Jared as well I bet and of course your girlfriend.". I nodded and said "Yeah I know babe. I miss you Shane.". He siad "I miss you too love.", I looked at the clock and noticed that it was pretty late so I said "I have to and get some sleep now.. I love you Shane, take care. Goodnight. Byebye.". He said "You do that. I love you too, so much. Take care and give Jensen a hug from me. Night love. Bye.", and then we hung up and I began to blog and here i am now but I have to go back to jensen now and try not to wake him up.

Tomorrow I really hope that fucking skank have something good to say! I just want to go home and rip her fucking ugly head off!!!!!! FUCK YOU TOVE!!! Just go and die! Good riddence!

Take care
Love
A very angry Madde

Darkness..

2010-02-03T07:46:00.000-08:00

Hey..

Well I have never feelt this lonley before in my entire life.. it feels like everyone have let me down this past weeks. And here i have been worring sick about Jensen and Dennie and this morning i found out they had been in Texas all that time..I can't believe Jensen would do that to me.. and also my whole family have been lying to me and talked behind my back which hurts just as much. But im acutally not totally alone right now which makes it easier at least..

Well lets start from the begning of this whole fucking messed up day..
I have been sleeping really bad this last nights but i got a few hours sleep at least.
And when I woke up in the empty bed, I tried to call Jensen again but he didn't pick up so I started my computere and went on to the blogg and then Madde had writen a inlay and i could feel how angry i got when i read it and also hurt and disappointed.. and then it hit me that my whole family knew about this thats why they had been acting so weird lately.
So i got up from bed and went downstairs where I found the only family at the table eating breakfast before they had to go to school. I sat down without saying anything because I was to angry to say something. Then Johan said to me" Tove are you okay? You are very quiet today.." I just looked at him angry and then mom said" Whats wrong honey?" Then i couldn't pretend anymore so I just said furious" Whats wrong?! You are! This whole family are! How the hell can you all lie to me after everything I have done for all of you! Someone of you could have told me that he was leaving and stealing my daughther with him! I even asked what was wrong with you guys and you lied! " Mom stood up and said camly" Tove calm down please. " I just stared at her and said" Calm down?! You off all hate liers and hate lying and still here you are! All you do is tell us what we shouldn't do but then you go and do the same yourself!" I could see she started to get angry too and she said" You and Jensens relationship what have happend isn't really my business, but if you want to fix this as I think you do then don't stand here go and pack a bag and i drive you to the airport." I said " Where am I going? " Mom said" To Dallas of course!" I looked at her like she was insane and said" Im not going there. He was the one that left me! " Mom said angry" So you are not even going to give your relationship another try?! You are married now and that means you can't just give up and most off all you have a daughther! " I almost yelled at her " This is my life! My husband! and my daughther! So don't even come here and tell me what I should do and shouldn't!! " she was just as angry as I where and she yelled" This is my house! And no ne talks to me like that in this house! So since you dosn't seems to like it here you can go! The door is over there!! " I said" You are throwing me out?!" She looked furious and said" Yes! " Johan tried to calm her down but he couldn't and I yelled" What kind of mom are you?! You throw me out and i have barely done anything but you couldn't throw Madde out when she fucking had sex with my boyfriend!! You don't see something wrong with that?! What the fuck is wrong with you! And after everything I have done for you!! Without me all of your kids would have starved to death and they would also had been alone at home all day and night just because you had to work! And you can't even blame it on that you need money because we all know you dosn't. You left your children to me and I took care of them because I wanted to be a good daughther and help you, and i fucking regreat that now! And both you and me know thats true that you did that, you can't deny it! And if you think I have abandon my daughter now then I have just learn it from my mother that did the same towards me! " Johan stood up and looked at me and said" Don't call her a bad mother! You might have done alot for her but she have done so much more for you." I said " Why shouldn't I call her that? Thats what she is." Kristina said furious" Go! get out of my house now! " I said" Sure, I don't want to stay with this insane family anyway!" I looked at my so called siblings and said" And all of you how could you lie to me! Tim and Jessica you don't even like Jensen but i though you liked me but apprently I was wrong! You can all go to hell!" Then I just walked upstairs and I took a bag and throw a few things down and my computer and then I got dressed. I walked downstairs again and then My came running and she was crying and said" Do you hate me?" I crouched down infron of her and took her hands and said " No you haven't done anything wrong I love you more then you ever will know." she said" So Im still your sister?" I said" Yes and you always will be, its the rest of them that isn't my family anymore. " I looked at mom when I said that and I know i hurted her but I don't care. I gave My a hug and a kiss and said" I have to go.. " she started to cry and then she ran upstairs. Then Maja walked into the hallway and she was also crying and she yelled at me" If you hurt Jensen I will never forgive you! Never!" Then she also ran upstairs. Kristina had apprently calmed down a little and said" still can drive you to the airport. " I looked into her eyes and said" Mom I never want to talk to you again, ever. And from now on you are Kristina for me nothing else I don't have a dad or a mom anymore. " I think i saw a tear roll down her cheek and I just looked at all of them a last time and then I told Ebba to come with me and we left.

I took the car and drove to mine and Jensens new apartment. I unlocked the door and me and Ebba went nto the aprtment. I hadn't been there after all our funiturs had come and the rest and it looked pretty good. I sat down in the sofa and I was still pissed off and then my phone rang and I answerd and heard Zara happy voice saying hello and asking how I was doing, I said angry" You should know how im doing! Snce you lied staight to my face the other day! You off all people Zara! For fuck sake how the hell could you do this towards me of everyone! I was there for you from day one when Nicky broke your heart it even coast me the relationship with my best friend! So how the hell can you do this?! " I could hear her say camily" Tove I'm so sorry.. I never wanted to lie to you but I had to. " I said" Had to?! Both you and me know that you always have a chose what to do and not, i chose your side that time because that was right thing to do! And you could have done the same or you think lieing is the right thing! You are just as a big bitch as your girlfriend! So that's why you two are perfect for each other! Go to hell Zara and don't expect me to be here for when Madde hurts you again! And then you will be all alone since Nicky will of course take Maddes side and not even your dead son can help you even though you talk to him alot! But you know his dead Zara and he have been buried n the ground for 7 years and he will never come back just relise that! And I also never want to see you again!" I could hear that Zara was crying but iI just hang up. Then tears started to roll down my cheeks too because I can't believe I said that about Anton to her..
But then some one knocked on my door and at first I just sat there because I didn't want to open and who knew I was here. But then it knocked again so I signed and dried my tears away and on the way to the door i tooked at myself in the mirrow and I looked pretty ok. So I opend the door and there stood a woman that was maybe 35, she smiled and stretched out her hand towards me and I too it and she said her name was Olivia and I introduce myself and she stepped into the apartment and closed the door behind her and she said" Im your neighbor I live a the bottom floor." I smiled slightly and said" Nice to meet you. " She said" I meet your husband and daughter last week. He seems very nice and your daughter is adorable. " I said" Yeah I know." She said" Sorry if I'm not suppose to say this but your husband is also adorable in a more sexy kind of way. " I laughed a lttle and said " Yeah he is. " she said" When they started to built this pent house we all started to speculate who was moving here but we never thought it was going to be such a nice family. And this place is enormous and so amazing!" I smiled and said " Thank you. You can take a look if you like." She smiled and started to walk around and she said hello to Ebba and she said" Where is your husband Jensen then?" I said" he is in Dallas where is family live." She nodded and said " For how long? " I said" I don't know yet. " She said" To bad because we are going to have a little party this weekend as we do every year with eveyone that lives in this house down in my apartment and everyone bring some kind of food and I we all would love if you and Jensen came and of course little Dennie." I said" Thats very nice of you.. but i doubt Jensen will be here but I would love to come. " She smiled and said" Great!Well i should go now and not be in your way." I said" Don't worry about it, If i had some coffee I would make some.. I really should go to the store." She said" Do you want companie because I was on my way there too?" I said" Sure, but is it okay if I take a shower first?" She said" Yes of course! Take your time, you can come and get me when you are done." Then she walked downstairs again. I went into the shower and when I was done I locked the door and went downstairs and I knocked on the door and a man opend up and he said happy" You most be Tove! I'm Ludvig Olivias husband. " I smiled and said" Nice to meet you! " Then Olivia walked over to me and said" Shall we go?" I nodded and she got dressed and I said bye to Ludvig and we took my car and drove over to a super market farther away. When had a good time in the car talking and laughing a bit. When we got there we started to shop and after an hour we both was done and went home.

When I had put everything into the fridge and so on I took Ebba for a walk it feelt pretty good to get som air and clear my head a little but that also made me sad and I could feel how angry I was. When I got home after a 2 hours walk I made some coffee and sat down in the sofa and turned the tv on and it was Scrubs I hat my eyes towards the tv but i don't remebere what happend because my mind where somehere else. I sat there thinking about Jensen, and my so called family.. and how much i miss Dennie and how everone had let me down and alot of other things.. When i woke up from my thoughts it was scrubs on tv anymore and it was dark outside so I looked at the clock and saw it was 5 all ready! That means i been siting there for like 3 hours it just feelt like 20 minuts.. so decied to go and make some dinner. I couldn't eat so much though I had to much going on in my head for that.
I found a bottel of win there from mine and Jensens date that I opend and I took a glass and took a zip exatlly what I needed! I put the glass on the coffee table and I started to a fire in the fireplace and turned the light down and sat down and took my wine glass in my hand. I thought about calling Jensen I looked at the time and saw it was 6 and that means it 12 in the afternoon in texas,but after a lot of thinking I thought to myself he left me so if he want anything he can give me a call! So after drinking two glasses of wine my phone rang and on the display it stood Jensen I signed and answerd but I didn't say anything and he said" Hey.. it's me.. " I said" Is that all you have to say? After not calling for days! " he said" Im in Dallas.." I said" I know! So you where to coward to tell me that by yourself I guess. " He said" How do you know that?" I said" How do you think I know that! That bitch of yours told me!" He said" She isn't that word you just called her, both you and me know that. But its not her fauilt I should have told you. But Tove listen you have to know why I did this.. its because you have to relize what you are doing to me and Dennie. You are not the same Tove that I marrie just a few weeks ago.. I still love you very much. " I said" Are you leaving me?" He said" Hopefully not.. " I said angry" You are such a coward for telling me this over the phone! And also for running away! And you know I didn't even want to get married! " He started to talk but then his voice broke and I could hear he was crying and he said" I know to sweety.. Im sorry if you feelt like forced you.. all I want is you with or without being married to you.. I love you so much!" I said" All I wanted was for you to be honest with me! But I should hang up now before I say something I really really shouldn't. I talk to you tomorrow instead." He said" ok.. I call you tomorrow.. I love you Tove. " I sign and said" Yeah I know Jensen... bye." We hang up and I just sat there for hours drinking and looking at the gourgous fire.

Then it knocked on the door again and I woke up from my daydreaming or maybe more nightmare dreaming.. I tooked at my phone to see what time it was and it showed 23:11 so I didn't want to answer because I didn't want to talk to anyone. I wanted to sit there alone just with Ebba and thinking about this horrible day.. But then I heard the door opend up and closed again and before I knew it I saw a tall, black haired woman stand in the doorway looking at me. I didn't want to look at her I just looked down in my glass and she said " Tove.. " I slowley looked up and meet Zaras eyes and then I couldn't keep my tears back anymore they started to pour down from my eyes. Zara just ran over to me and wrapped her arms around me and I hugged her back and cried against her shoulder. When I had calmed down a little I cried" Im sorry about what I said about Anton and what I called you. Im so very sorry.. " Zara pushed me away a little and dried a few tears away from my face and said" I know you are and I forgive you. " I said" You shouldn't... God Zara you should learn how to say no! " She laughed a little and said " Maybe." she kissed my forhead and then she said" Im also sorry for lieing to you.. especailly since you have always been here for me." I said" I understand she is your girlfriend.." She nodded and said" Tove can we talk without you geting upset? please.." I said" I will try.." she said" Tove Im just asking you this because im worried about you.. whats going one with you?" I signed and said" Nothing.. its just a lot going on in my life right now that is messing with my head.." she said" Is that all?" I nodded and said" Yes. " She nodded and I said" How are you?" She smiled slightly and i could see that smile was fake and she said" Im just good." I said" Are you really? or are you lieing to me again?" she sign and said" I will sound like the most needy girlfrind in this world and that is nothing attractive about being needy.. so I shouldn't tell you.." I said" That you miss her?" She just looked away and I said" Nothing wrong with that, it just makes you humen. And there is a diffrent about being needy and missing someone. Talk to me." She sighed and said" I miss her sooooo much! It feels like half my heart is missing because that part is millions miles away.. god im ridiculors! " I said" No your not.. this is how you feel. You love her so much I can see that. Im happy for you, you deserve this. " She smiled and said" Thanks sweety. I will call her tomorrow and i hope she have time to talk. " I smiled and said" I bet she will. " Zara laughed and said"Otherwise she just have to find time for me. " then she looked away again and I could see a tear rolling down her cheek I forced her to look at me and she brust out crying " I miss her so much and everything just happend so fast with her leaving..its not that I don't understand I do..I just miss her.. " I just wrapped my arms around her and kissed her hair. When she had stopped crying I looked at her beautiful face and I brushed my tumb over her birthmark she have under her left eye and dried a few tears away. She smiled slighlty and said" Madde love my birthmark there for some weird reason... and she also likes Nickys she say they are sexy." I laughed and kissed her cheek. I looked at her and said" Zara when someone calls you bitch or whore or someother horrible word you have to start defending yourself or at least know that it isn't true.. even if its me that said it which im very sorry for.. Its not okay to call a woman that especially not you! You are the most sweetest, kindess, forgiving, loving, greatful and posetive person I know and I mean that, I hav to say Madde is right about this you are an angel sent from heaven, and, how can anyone be as perfect as you and are just as beautiful as one even though I know you can be a bit naughty too. " She laughed alittle and said" Thanks .. and you are right I should defend myself..those words are just tough for me or especially since whore..since my step dad called me that when he had sex with me. " I said" I know and Zara he didn't have sex with you he raped you two diffrent things.. " she said" I know.. " I said" Well I can't believe parents do that to there children.. good that your mom at least didn't force you to have sex with her at least.. " Zara looked away and I could see something was wrong and I said" Or did she? You have never said anything about that.." Zara said" I wanted to forget about it.. but after mom new contacted me I have been thinking about it more though.. I wanted to talk to Madde about it... but I couldn't since I knew she would kill her then if she saw her.. " I said" You want to talk about it now? Its okay if you don't want too.." She said" I was 7 it was just before I moved in with you guys but I remebere it like it was yesterday.. I got home after being in school and when I steped inside the door there mom is standing naked infront of me and she is calling me everything from worthless to a whore. I remebere I got scared and I tried to just walk by her into my room but then she grabbed my hair and beat my head into the wall, and she was very drunk like always.. then she said something that she have never said before she told me to start fingering her otherwise she would kill me.. and no 7 year old should even know what that is but I did since my step dad always told me that was what he was doing when he put his fingers inside of me.. I was scared since it was the first time she had told me to do that towards her.. so I just did what she said and put a few fingers in her.. I was so disgusted I just wanted to throw up. She had done many stupied things before but never like this...when she was..done.. she lied down on the floor and told me to lick her clean so I started to lick her...I just wished she had killed me instead that was the worsed thing ever in my life so much worse then having his gross dick in my mouths. But when I had been licking her I just got lose of her grip and ran crying into my room. Where I found my step dad naked on my bed.. he smiled that horrible smile that just he can have and then mom opend the door and she had a knife in her hand and she told me lay down next to him and get naked... I did as she said and she startde to cut deep wounds in my left arm and it started to bleed alot and I was screaming of pain.. then they put a pillow over my face so I would be quite and then I feel how his horrible thing was pressing inside of me.. then he raped me like always.. " Zara got quiet and my cheeks was wet from tears I had start crying for a long time ago because its so horrible... and Zara hadn't let out a tear. I took her hand and I said" Im so sorry honey...how can you not cry when you talk about this?" She said" Because I think im immune.. I can't cry about this its to hard if I start I would never be abel to stop.. " I said" This is so horrible I can't even put my head in it.. its to hard.. and you was there and just as a kid.. " She said" Have you never notice the cuts on my wrist from that night?" I shook my head and she said" Well I'll be right back." She got and went into bathroom. She came back after a couple of minuts and sat down again and she showed me her left arm.. there was three cuts... I don't even know what to say about this. I said" How can I have missed those.. and they most been deep wounds since they still show much." She nodded and said" I use make up on the everyday..I dosn't want to look like some kind of depressed girl and also I don't want to see them myself either its hurts. " I nodded and I said" Have you told anyone about this?" She said" Yeah I told Nicky four a couple years ago..thats why he didn't want me to meet my mom." I said" I can't blame him.. you should talk to Madde about this since you want to do it and tell her not kill her.. " Zara said" I will.. I just wish she was here but I understand that Jensen is her friend. And thats one reason why I love her so much because she wants to help and be there. Well aslong as I can talk to her on the phone i will be fine.." I nodded and I said" Do you want to sleep her so you don't ahve to drive home this late? I don't mind some company.." She smiled and said" I would love too and this place is amazing! I had a hard time to get hear I drove into the wrong street at first. But this pent house is gorgouse!" I smiled and said" It is.I just have to blogg and then I be all yours." She nodded and picked up the computere and here I am.. This is my day..and Im still furious at my family I mean what I said this morning.

Well I hope you had a better day then me at least.
Tomorrow you will hear from that one..
Take care!
Kisses
Tove

Heat!

2010-02-02T10:41:00.000-08:00

Hey peeps!

You can never guess where I am at the moment and who I’m with! All I can say is that it’s actually pretty great but it was a pretty scary way to get here. Let’s just say that I’ve been afraid for a few good hours and if you all know me you know that I’m scared of flying. Oh yes! I’m not in Sweden anymore! Can you guess where I am? I can say that it’s warmer then back home and there is a saying that everything is bigger here… hum… where am I? Oh that’s right!!! I’m in Dallas, Texas!! And I suppose you are wondering what the bloody hell I’m doing here well let me start from the beginning which was Sunday night.

Well on Sunday Jensen and I talked and he told me that he wanted to go home to Texas and I told him that he should do that and not care about Tove anymore, that he had to think about himself and his daughter. But then he asked if I could come with him because he didn’t want to go alone and I just couldn’t say no so I told him that I would go with him. We told Kristina and Johan and of course I went home and asked if I could talk to Zara and Nicky. We sat down in the living room and I said “Jensen wants to go to Texas and he wants me to go with him. I can’t leave him when he needs me so I couldn’t say no.”. At first they just looked at me and then Nicky said “Is it that bad between him and Tove?”. I nodded and Zara said “Well in that case of course you should go with him. He needs his friend.”. I can’t tell you how relieved I felt and I smiled and said “Thank you!”, she nodded and Nicky asked “How long will you be gone?”. I shrugged and said “I have no idea, as long as Jensen needs me I suppose. But just so you know… Tove doesn’t know and Jensen doesn’t want to tell her either so don’t tell her anything.”. Nicky said “Of course not. I won’t say a thing to her.”, I smiled as a thanks to him and said “I know, but Zara you can’t tell her either.”. She bit her lip and I walked over to her, crouched down and said “I know you don’t want to lie to her because she is your friend but please do it for me.”. She sighed and said “I don’t know if I can do that.”. I said “Okay tell you what. She will probably not ask you where Jensen and Dennie is at because how the hell should you know. So just don’t bring it up if you see her. Just talk about something else.”. She nodded and I looked at Nicky and said “You have to help her. If Tove for some reason ask where I am or Jensen is then just say that we went for a walk or that we are doing something else. Okay?”. He nodded and said “You can count on me.”. I smiled and said “I know Nicky, I can always count on you.”. He smiled and then I said “Well… I should go upstairs and pack some stuff… Our flight is leaving tonight.”. They nodded and I gave Nicky a hug and Zara a kiss and went upstairs to pack.

I took out the big bag from my wardrobe and began to pack my clothes and a few bikinis and some other stuff that you need when you are going to stay away for a while. when I had been packing for a while it knocked on the door downstairs so I went and opened it and there was Jensen with a big bag and Dennie on his arm. I gave him a soft smile and let him in, Zara and Nicky came over and both of them gave him a hug and Jensen said "I'm sorry that I'm stealing madde away from you.". Zara shook her head and said "If you need her then I'll let her go. I just hope everything will turn out good for you and Tove.". He nodded and thanked her as Kim yelled at Zara to come to her room so she left and Nicky said "Is it really that bad between you to?". Jensen looked sad and said "She isn't the woman i married... She's not herself, I hardly see her in a day.". Nicky nodded and I said "Come on Jensen, let's go upstairs, I'm not really done yet. Bring the bag up as well.". He nodded and the he looked at the bag and then at Dennie and I sighed and said "Fine I can take her...". He smiled and handed me her. She immediately began to crow and pull my hair and I saw that jensen was trying to hide his smile and I just turned around and went upstairs again with him behind me. When we got to mine and Zaras room I laid Dennie down on the bed and Jensen closed the door and then he said "Oh damn, I forgot to take my shoes and clothes off.". I said "It's okay, don't worry. I'm soon done anyway.", he nodded and sat down on the bed next to Dennie. I looked at him and his whole body language told me how upset he was. I slowly put down the knickers I was holding in the bag and walked over to him. He looked up at me as I stopped infront of him and I ran my fingers through his hair and said "Are you sure about this?". He looked down at Dennie and said "Like you said, I have to think about my daughter and myself for once.". I nodded and bent down and kissed his forehead. He gave me a soft smile and I went back to packing my bag. After a while we heard a knock on the door and then Toves voice say hey to Zara. I looked at Jensen and he just sighed and whispered "Of course she had to come here...". I nodded and whispered "Good thing you forgot to take your clothes off and all that then... I just hope Zara wont tell.". He looked at me startled and said "Will she?", I whispered "I don't think so. Nicky is there too so don't worry.". But he didn't look so reasured about what I said so I told him to wait there and then I walked down the stairs. Well you know what happened in the kitchen when I came down and that I asked Zara to come upstairs with me which was just because I knew that Tove would leave if Zara wouldn't be there because Nicky had done just what I asked and acted like a dick towards her so she wouldn't want to stay alone with him. So Zara and i went upstairs after saying goodbye to Tove and when we got to the bedroom we found Jensen standing by the window looking down on her. I ran over to him and pulled him away from the window and said "She can see you! You have to deside because I'm not leaving here just to come back tomorrow. You know it's a big deal for me to fly that far.". He looked sad but nodded and said "Let's go when you are ready.", I nodded and began to pack again while Jensen and Zara sat down and talked for a while. When i was finally done we had to go to the airport so we wouldn't miss our flight so we went downstairs and I began to get dressed and then Zara said "Nicky will take you.". I stopped and stared at her and said "What? you were suppose to.". I walked over to her and took her hands and she shook her head and said "I can't... It's easier for me like this.". I slowly nodded and stroke her cheek and then Nicky said "Jensen and I'll go and start the car. You come when you are ready.". Then we heard the door close and I pulled Zara close and held her tight. She buried her face in my neck and said "I'm going to miss you so much!". I gave her a passionated kiss and looked into her eyes and said "I know, I'm going to miss you too baby. I love you honey. take care of yourself.". She nodded and said "I love you too. Call me when you land.". I nodded and gave her a few more kisses and then I went out to the car and noticed that Nicky was in the driverseat. I opened the door and said "Can I please drive? Get my mind off things.". He nodded and got out and I took his place and waited for him to get in the car.

After just a short while we parked at the airport and Nicky helped us with the bags and when it was time to say goodbye nicky shook jensen hand and said "Be safe.". He nodded and then Nicky looked at me with his baby-blue eyes and I wrapped my arms around his neck and he held me close. He stroke my hair and said "You're going to be okay.". I nodded against his shoulder and said "Make sure Zara is okay back home.". He said he would and then he pressed his lips against my cheek and let them be there for a while and then he let go of me and said "Gonna miss you sweety.", he stroke my cheek and said softly "I love you.". I took his hand and said "I'm going to miss you too Nicky. Love you. Bye.". He nodded and I let go of his hand and followed Jensen through security. We had to wait a while to board our plane but when we finally got into the plane and sat down I looked at Jensen and said "When will we be able to buy alcohol?". He laughed softly and took my hand and said "You don't need it. Just stay calm.". I took a deep breath and said "How am I suppose to be able to stay calm?". He shrugged and then he poked around in my jacketpocket and fished up my Ipod and said "Listen to Westlife. Focus on their voices. From what I know Nicky can calm you whenever you are stressed and Shane seems to have that quality as well.". I gave him a greatful smile and said "Yeah... they are pretty great.". He nodded and held out the Ipod so I took it and plugged it in my ears and put it on. The first note I heard was Shanes amazing voice in the beginning of Flying without wings. I laughed at the irony and Jensen looked at me curiously and I gave him one of the earplugs and when he heard what song it was he laughed to and said "Well we are flying with wings.". I lauhed and said "Yeah thank God!". He laughed and then they started the plane and i grabbed Jensens hand and held onto it until we had taken off and were up in the air.

The flight was pretty good acctually, I suppose listening to Westlife, drinking some alcohol and talking to Jensen really helped. Anyway after a stopover in Chicago we finally landed in Dallas soooooo many hours after leaving Stockholm. It was so nice to finally feel the ground beneath my feet and it was so warm there. It was like, I don't know, maybe 15 degrees so I was happy and Dennie seemed to be happy to be on earth again as well. When we had gotten our bags and everything we quickly got ourselfs a cab and it drove us to Donna and Alan. In the cab I asked Jensen "What do you think they will say?". He shrugged and said "I think they will be happy but they are going to wonder where Tove is.". I nodded and said "Yeah well they like her... for some strange reason.". He looked at me a bit angry and said "Stop it.", I sighed and said "Fine, I wont go to her level. Btw, thank for standing up for me the other day when she called me a bitch and a whore.". He said "Of course, she has no right to say that to you.". I smiled and siad "You're so sweet Jensen.". He smiled and siad "Yeah I know.", I laughed and after a while the cab stopped outside a beautiful house and we got out, took our bags and Jensen paid the cabdriver. Jensen took a deep breath and we walked towards the door and knocked on it. I looked at him and I can swear he looked nervous so I put my bag down and slipped my hand into his and gave it a squeeze. He looked down at me and I gave him a soft smile and he smiled back and then suddenly the door opened and when Donna saw who it was she just shrieked and gave Jensen a big hug. Jensen just laughed and said "Hi mum." and she gave him a big kiss on the cheek and another hug and then she looked at me and said "And Madde!". I smiled and said "Hi Donna, good to see you again.". She smiled and gave me a hug and then she picked Dennie up from the carseat and said "Well come in you two!". We smiled and took our bags and walked in. We had barely put our bags on the floor before Donna yelled "Alan!!! Come and see who's here!". Jensen and I just laughed and then Alan turned up in the doorway to the livingroom. He looked just as shocked as Donna had and then he gave Jensen and me a big hug each and Jensen said "It's good to see you again dad. Is it okay if Madde and I take a little nap? None of us has been sleeping and it's like morning in Sweden now.". Donna said "Of course! come on. You're room is still your room.", we followed Donna to Jensens old room and I looked around on all the football, baseball, lacrosse and basketball posters and stuff on the walls and shelfs. I just smiled and shook my head and said "I can't believe you still have his room intact. I mean he is 32... don't you want to use this room to something else?". Jensen just gave me a wierd look and Donna laughed slightly and said "I know it's silly. We have talked about it but as soon as we say anything about such a thing we get that look from Jensen.". I laughed and then I said "ehm.. where should I sleep?", Jensen looked at me carefully and said "Why not here with me? I mean you are here for me so.". I looked at the bed and it was a single bed but I said "Yeah I am, okay then. Don't take so much room.". He smiled and Donna said "I'll take Dennie with me downstairs and I'll wake you up when it's dinne time okay?". Jensen said thanks and kissed her cheek and Donna left and closed the door behind her. I sat down on the bed and said "Are you okay?", he was just about to take his shirt off as he said "Yeah.. it was nice to see mum and dad and right now I'm just so tired so I don't really care about anything.". I nodded and said "I know the feeling. Let's get some sleep.". jensen nodded and got out of his clothes until he just had his underwear on and then he began to make the bed because it didn't have any bed linnens. I changed into a clean top and helped him out with the cover linnen. Then we laid down on the bed and I have to say that it's like the tiniest bed ever! I like had to lie ontop of Jensen which felt kind of wierd. I haven't slept on a man in a pretty long time but I was so tired that I didn't really care about the change, I just fell asleep at once.

It felt like we had just fallen asleep when we woke up by a knock on the door and Donna said through the door "It's dinner in 15 minutes! Time to wake up!". I made a displeased sound and buried my face in Jensens chest and he sighed and whispered "We should get up... I suppsoe I have some things that I have to explain to mum and dad.". I sighed and held my body up on my elbow and looked at him and he looked so down. I shook my head in pity and stroke his chest and said "It's going to be okay Jensen. They will understand and if they don't then I will talk to them.". He gave me thankful smile and said "Thank you. But I think they will understand.". I nodded and got out of bed and yawned widely. Jensen laughed and said "That sleep didn't help so much did it?". I shook my head and said "No I'm dead tired. I think it just made everything worse." Then I realzied that I had forgotten to call Zara so I quickly picked up my phone and rang her and she picked up so quickly and said "Finally! Shouldn't you have landed like three hours ago?!". I laughed and siad "Hi baby! I miss you too.", she said "Answer my question!". I sighed and said "Well we wanted to get some sleep first so we did and now I have to go soon because we are going to eat dinner.". She was just about to say something when I heard a noice and then Nicky said "Hey Madde! are you there now? Zara is driving everyone of us mad over here.". I laughed and said "Hey Nicky, yeah I am. We just woke up after a three hour sleep. I'm sorry, I should have called sooner. Hand her back the phone.". He sighed and did as I asked and Zara said "How did the flight go?". I said "It was okay... to long and dull but good.". She said "That's good. When will you come home?". I smiled and said "I don't know honey, but not yet! I didn't fly this far just to go home at once.". She sighed and said "Okay, I understand.". I smiled and said "Good. I ahve to go now baby. I love you. give everyone at home a big hug from me and jensen. Bye!". She said that she would and that she missed and loved me and then we hung up and Jensen and I got dressed and went downstairs just to find Alan and Donna in the kitchen with Dennie. We sat down and began to eat and both Jensen and I were so hungry so we ate for like four people and Donna laughed and said "I think I'm going to have to make more food. You eat more then Tove does Madde.". I laughed and said "Anyone eats more then she does." and I felt Jensen eyes on me at once. I carefully looked at him and mimed "Sorry.", he shook his head and then Alan said "Speaking of Tove... where is she?". Jensen looked sad at once and I squeezed his hand under the table and donna said "i talked to her just the other day, she seemed fine, she is fine right?". Jensen looked at me like he wanted me to begin and I said "Yeah she is fine... It's just... she is not her self and... " I turned to Jensen and said "I'm sorry, you have to tell them.". Donna looked worried and said "Tell us what? Jensen?". He took a deep breath and began telling them what we were doing there weithout Tove. I helped him out the best I could and when we were done explaining Donna gave Jensen a big hug and said that everything was going to be okay and then she gave me a hug and said "Thank you for being here and flying this far away from you loved once to help our son. You are a good woman and friend Madde.". I smiled and said "He would have done the same for me.". Jensen nodded and then the door opened and Simon ran in yelling "grandma grandma!". When he saw Jensen and me he just stopped and stared with his mouth open and then he yelled "Uncle Jensen!" and ran over to him and gave him a hug. We all just laughed and then we heard Josh in the hallway saying "What's all this fuss about?". Then he walked in too with Michelle and looked just like his son when he saw us. I just laughed and said "Hey guys. Josh close your mouth so that birds wont fly in.". He did as I sadi and they both came over and gave us a hug and wanted to know what we were doing there so of course we had to explain to them as well and their reaction was the same as Donna and Alans.

Anyway I don't think I have to explain so much further on what happened yesterday so why not go into what happened today. When I woke up after sleeping for what felt like forever I noticed that I was sleeping on Jensens chest. I looked up at him and saw that he was already awake. I gave him a smile and he said "Good morning.". I said "Morning... how long have you been awake? You should have woken me up.". He just said "Nah I just woke up but you looked so peaceful so I didn't want to wake you.". I smiled and then Dennie started to scream and I just felt how her voice just cut into my soul and tried to rip it out of my body!! I muttered "For crying out loud! Shut that baby up!". Jensen said "Madde, please...", I looked at him and he looked hurt and sad and I said "I'm sorry. I'm just not used to it and I don't like babies.". He said "I know, it's okay. Let me get up so I can get her.". I nodded and lifted myself up so he could get up and then I laid down on the bed and watched him pick Dennie up. He looked so cute and happy when he held her and I felt a smile form on my face. He looked at me and smiled when he saw that I was smiling and said "What are you smiling at?". I said "Nothing, you just look so happy when you hold her. Like nothing is bothering you.". He looked at Dennie and continued smiling and then he walked over to the bed and sat down. I sat up and put my chin on his shoulder and looked at Dennie who had stopped screaming and just looked up at us with big blue eyes and I said "She's grown.". He nodded and said "Yeah she has. isn't she beautiful?". I said "She doesn't look so much like an ailien anymore anyway.". He laughed and said "Thanks Madde.", I smiled and stroke his arm and said "How are you doing today?". He said "I don't know. right now, I'm okay but if I start thinking about Tove then I'm not okay anymore.". I nodded and kissed his cheek and said "Everything is going to be okay. Trust me.". He smiled and said "Yeah when are you ever wrong.". I smiled and said "Exactly! You should always listen to me.". He laughed and siad "Yeah I know. Let's get dressed and get some breakfast in our stomachs. I have to show you Dallas later.". I nodded and Jensen put Dennie down on the bed and we both began to get dressed and then we walked downstairs and into a kitchen that smelled of coffee and ham. I smiled and said goodmorning to Alan and Donna and poured myself and Jensen a cuppa each. Donna asked if we had hada good nights sleep and Jensen said "Yes! God, I was so tired so it was really nice to get some sleep. Still a bit jet lagged though but what are you going to do.". She smiled and I said "Yeah it was really nice to finally sleep but I don't think I ever will get used to Dennie screaming in the morning.". Jensen laughed and Donna said "You get used to it, I promise.". I shook my head and Jensen said "She usually never screams... maybe she misses Tove and she is not home so she might not feel so safe.". I nodded and felt the anger build up in me as he looked so sad when he thought about that bitch! I was just about to say something when my phone rang and I picked it up and Jared said "Hey! I suppose you guys are in Dallas now?". I smiled and said "Hey Jared! Yeah we are. We just woke up actually. What are you up to then?". Jensen smiled when he heard that it was Jared and asked if he could talk to him later. I nodded and left the table so I could talk to Jared alone and he said "Just ate dinner so now I was thinking of going out running.". I said "You work out to much handsome.". He laughed and said "Whatever. But hey... When I was out running yesterday I saw Tove with some bloke... Any idea who it was? I didn't recognize him.". I clenched my fist around the phone and heard a crack so I stopped because I didn't want to have to buy a new phone again and I said "That bitch! No I ahve no idea who it is but I bet it's her new sweetheart!". I looked up and saw Jensen stand in the doorway and i could just tell that his heart broke in a million pieces. I cursed and said to Jared "I'll call you back later." and hung up. I looked at Jensen and he said "Who's new sweetheart?". I shook my head and walked over to him and said "Jensen... nothing is for sure... I don't know anything.". He nodded and said "What did he say?", I bit my lower lip and really didn't want to tell him but I'm not lying to him so I said "He said that he had seen Tove with another bloke...". He nodded and said "Maybe a friend...", I nodded and took his hand and squeezed it and said "Yeah hopefully.". But I know that it isn't a friend... I just can't believe she would do this to Jensen! She isa bitch and I really hope that Jensen will see that and get a divorce because he deserves to much better and so does Dennie, a better mother. I don't care if Tove get's angry that I call her a bad mother because that is what she is and I'm never going to change my mind about that now. I know I'm not mother material and that I don't even want a baby but I know mothers and she is not behaving lika mum... she is behaving like a whore and the fact that it hurts Jensen is really pissing me off!I've told her time and time again that I'm not going to take it if she hurts him again and here is the final line! I'm going to make sure that she will never be able to hurt him again.

Anyway after talking to Jared we went back to the table and ate our breakfast in silence and then Alan said "So what are you going to do today?". Jensen smiled and said "Well I have to show Madde Dallas of course.". I smiled back at him and said "That sounds great!", he smiled and then he said "Hey, have you seen daddys car?". I looked first at Jensen and then alan and then Jensen again and all three of them just started to laugh and I said "What car?". Jensen shook his head and gave Dennie to Donna and said "Follow me.". i quickly got up and followed Jensen to the garage and saw a beautiful Pontiac. I smiled and walked over to the black car and said "It's beautiful.". Jensen said "Yeah.. Learned how to drive in that old thing.". i stared at him and said "You dad let you drive this?! When you didn't even know how to drive!?". He laughed and nodded and i said "That man is mad.". Then i heard Alans voice behind me say "Thanks Madde.", I just gave him a look and siad "Well it's true. It's an amazing car.". He smiled and said "thanks. Do you want to take her out for a spin?". I smiled and said "For real!? Yes!", Jensen and Alan just laughed and Alan gave me the key and I sat down in the driverseat and Jensen took place next to me and Alan said "Don't drive to fast and be careful with the forth gear, she's a bit sensitive.". I nodded and started the car who let out a raor as she came to life. I just smiled and both me and Jensen waved goodbye to Alan and I drove out of the garage and out on the street. I said "So where should I go? You have to guide me.". Jensen just sadi "well drive into town, follow this road and I'll tell you when to turn.". I followed his directions and we laughed alot and talked and I could feel that he was starting to loosen up and I was hoping he would stay happy all day because I want that man happy. anyway after about 30 minutes we parked the car on the street and got out and Jensen said "Welcome to Dallas, the capital of Texas!". I smiled and looked around and saw a pretty large man with chaps, cowboy boots and a cowboy hat which just made me smile and shake my head becuase it was just so much as you think texas would be and then a long, brunette girl with a short skirt and a grey top walked by and the man totally checked her out. I just mabe a disgusted face nad Jensen laughed and said "And yeah men are behaving the same here.". I shook my head and laughed and Jensen said "come on, let's go.", he held out his arm and I hooked mine with his and we walked down the road and he told me about some of the places and we stopped at some stores and looked at clothes and while we were there and i tried a top on Jensen said "I ahve to say that it's kind of fun shopping with you.". I smiled and said "You too. I hate shopping with women, it's so boring.". Jensen laughed and said "But you're a woman.", I shurgged and said "Yeah but I hate shopping, at least when it takes a whole day to find something to wear.". he just nodded and said "I agree, it's so dull!", once again I hooked my arm in his and said "Let's get out of here. I'm starting to get hungry.". All of the sudden he seemed really excited and said "Me too! And I know exacly where we are going to go!". I just followed him and before I knew it we were standing infront of a grill and he said "This is Rudy's BBQ, the best grill in Dallas and some day we have to go to Amarillo and Big Texan because they have huge steaks!". I laughed and we went inside and I ordered a Turkey sandwich and Jensen took Chopped beef and potato sallad. I ahve to say that it was the best turkey sandwich I have ever tasted and the BBQ sause that was on it was just insane! I tasted a piece from Jensen as well and it was really really good. Jensen looked at me as we ate and asked "Good eh?!". I nodded and said "It's amazing! I love it!", he smiled and said "Yeah, Jared and I often go here when we are in Dallas. It's like a must have. There is another must have that you must try and that is Whataburger! It's amazing! the best!". I smiled and said "Sounds good! But what are we going to to after lunch now then?". He shrugged and said "I don't know... what do you want to do?". I just said "i don't know. This is first time in Dallas, you tell me.". He thought for a while and then I said "You can show me where you went to school.". He said "Okay if you want to.". I nodded and siad "Mayeb you should drive then..", he looked at me shocked and said "What? Did you just offer me to drive?". I laughed and said "You look like Sam when Dean offers him to drive!". Jensen laughed and said "You watch to much Supernatural!", I took the last bite of my sandwich and said "It's not possible to watch to much Supernatural.". He laughed and we paid the bill and left full and happy.

It felt really strange to sit in the passenger seat but if we wanted to find our way to the school it was better to let Jensen drive. I just smiled when I looked at Jensen as he was driving because he looks so good behind the wheel of the pontiac. He must have noticed that I was looking at him because he looked at me and smiled back and said "What?". I shook my head and said "Nothing, it suits you to drive this car.". He smiled even bigger and said "Thanks. You know, when I was taking my licens dad actually promised me this car becuase I love it but I know how much it means to him so I haven't acutally reminded him about it.". I said "Really? so this is really your car?". He nodded and siad "But I don't need it and it's daddys darling.". I smiled and said "you are a good son and your dad is a very bright man.". He laughed and said "You just think that because he loves his car just like you do.". I said "Yeah of course!", he laughed again and turned right and parked on a big parking lot infront of a big house that must have been his old school. We got out of the car and Jensen put on a baseball cap and pulled it down so that he wouldn't show his face so much and then we walked into the school. He said "This is my high school, god it feels strange to be back here.". I smiled and said "I can understand that. I haven't been to my old school since I got out of there.". He laughed and grabbed my hand and dragged me to the left and said "This way!", I got pretty shocked and bumped into him so that he bumped into the wall and hit his hip. He let out a "aow!" and began to rubb his hip. I stopped and said "I'm sorry!", he just laughed slightly and siad "It's okay, I hit my hip on the nail sticking out.". I lifted his t-shirt up and was going to look and he looked at me and said "What are you doing?". I looked into his eyes and said "Ehm, check so that you're not bleeding?". He just laughed and I pulled down his jeans on the side and boxers and saw a red spot where the nail had hit him. I rubbed my finger over it and Jensen gasped in pain and I said "Does it hurt?". He nodded and I stood back up and he pulled his t-shirt down and I said "Sorry.". He shook his head and said "Not your fault.", I said "Well that's true...". He just laughed and hit my arm playfully, I smiled and then we continued to walk the way Jensen wanted. it didn't take long 'till we were standing infront of a door where it said "Teachers' common room". I looked at Jensen as he knocked on the door and said "Does any of your old teachers work here still?". He nodded and then the door opened and a man said "Yes?". Jensen smiled and said "Hi I'm looking for mrs. Bennett.". He nodded and said "She is in class, room 103.". We thanked the man and walked through the corridores and stopped infront of room 103 and Jensen knocked on the door. It didn't take long untill the door opened and a lady in her fifties looked at Jensen and me. She got a smile on her face and said "Oh my god, little Jensen.". Jensen smiled and gave her a hug and pointed at me and said "This is Madde, Madde this is my old english teacher Sarah bennett.". We shook hands and Sarah said "Very nice to meet you. Can you guys just give me ten more minutes and then come back becuase there is just ten minutes left on my class.". We told her of course and she went back to her class and Jensen and I waited for a few minutes. After about ten minutes a whole bunch of kids went out of the classroom and Jensen and I entered. Sarah was sitting behind the desk and Jensen and I sat down on a desk infront of her and Sarah said "So you are back in Texas now?". Jensen laughed and said "Yes I am. Finally.". She nodded and nodded towards me and said "You seem to have gotten a pretty good life.". I think I felt as confused as Jensen looked and then Jensen understood and said "Oh! No, Madde is just a friend.". She looked embarrassed and I said "Yeah we are just friends.", she said "I'm sorry, I just assumed...". Jensen nodded, smiled and said "It's okay.". She smiled an apologizing smile and said "But you do have a good life right?". Jensen looked down and I stepped in and said "Yeah he is. He has a great job and good friends, an amazing daughter...". She looked at Jensen and said "You have a daughter?!", he smiled and nodded and said "I do, yeah. She's soon 3 months.". She said "Aw she most be adorable!". He smiled and I could tell that he had relaxed a bit and said "Yeah she is, absolutley beautiful.". I smiled and Sarah said "I can understand that. What about the mom.. where is she?". At once Jensen shrunk and looked down and I took his hand and Sarah said "Oh my god, I'm sorry. It's not my place, I understand.". I felt really bad for her becuase she felt so bad for bringing Tove up and I said "It's okay...It's a bit of a downhill in their marrige.". She nodded and siad "I'm sorry Jensen.". He shook it off and looked at her and siad "It's okay. I'm okay.". I squeezed his hand and asked in swedish "Are you sure?". He gave me a soft smile and said "Yeah, thanks.". I nodded and then Jensen turned back to Sarah and said "We really should be going. It was really nice to see you again.". He got up and gave his old teacher a hug and she said "You too and take care of yourself Jensen. You seem to have a good friend here, I'm sure she can help.". He smiled and looked at me and said "Yeah she is brilliant. Don't know what I would do without her.". My cheeks got all red and I hit his arm and said "Don't make me blush!". He smiled and we said goodbye to Sarah and went out to the car and drove back home.

When we came home it was almost dinner time but Jensen wanted to take a shower before it so I decided to blog and tell you about what is going on and all that. But now Jensen is done and getting dressed so now we are soon going downstairs and eat a nice meal with Donna and Alan.

Tomorrow the bitch will blog and she will probobly be pretty angry that Jensen is here, especially with me. But I don't give a shit.

Take care
Love
Madde

Weird...

2010-01-31T05:34:00.000-08:00

Hey guys!
I don't really know how to start this inlay more then everyone I know have been acting really weird today.. well we are a pretty weird family so maybe thats starting to show itself to well..

Lets talk about today instead.
I woke up in a empty bed with out Jensen in it. I looked around and no Jensen or Dennie, so I got up and walked downtstairs into the kitchen where i found mom, Johan and Jensen with Dennie in his arms. I said good morning and took a cup of coffee and sat down next to Jensen and Dennie. I strok her soft little head with my hand she smiled, I got up to get some paper since she was a little snotty, I walked over to Jensens otherside and dried her nose. Jensen looked at me and I lean in to give him a kiss but he just turned away his head, I got really confused and said" Are we fighting?" he said" You of all should know that." then he just got up and walked upstiars again, both mom and Johan was looking at me and Johan said" are you okay? " I sighn and said" Don't ever get married.." Johan just laughed and i said" I'm talking a walk with Ebba. " they nodded and got dressed and took Ebba with me to walk outside. It was a beautful winter day and I walked throw the forest and i just let my thoughts lose in my head. But then all of the sudden i heard a voice behind me saying hello, i tured around and saw my ex and my first boyfriend Tim, i hadn't seen him in a year since we meet at that club and i almost kissed him.
Well anyway I gave him a hug and he looked at Ebba and said" You have a big scary dog.." I laughed and said" She isn't that scary as long as you are not planing to kill me." he laughed and said" No I wasn't thinking about that. Great to see you! You look amazing. " I smiled and said" Thanks you too. So how are things?" He said" Its good alot of work though. What about you? I think I heard you have gotten married?" I said" I have.. and i have a daughther too. " he said" Congratz! I bet she is adorable, but i have to say it feels really unreal that you have a kid.." I said" Why is that?" he laughed and said" Because it feels like we are still kids, when did the time go by?" I laughed and said" I know what you mean. I remebere all our partys and when you sang me that horible song, my first kiss and so on it feels like yesterday!" He laughed and said" I know what you mean, but it was good times." I nodded and we both started to walk and I said" So why did we break up?" he said" Because you meet that older better looking guy.. Lukas was his name right? " I said" Right. sorry about that." He smiled and said" You know you where my first love." I smiled and said" I believe you since you agreed on waiting two years to have sex." He laughed and then I said" So do you have a girlfriend?" He shook his head and said " No we broke up a couple months ago.. " I said" I'm sorry to hear that." He nodded and said" So how are Miss Karlsson then?" I said" She's good, I think she might be happy for the first time in long time, which is good." He said" So whos the lucky man then?" I said" The lucky woman you mean?" He looked at me suprised and said" She's.. gay?" I laughed and said" Not really she say she isn't and neither is her girlfriend apprently. " He said" So who is her girlfriend then?" I said" You remebere my sister Zara?" He said" The model yeah of course." I said" Of course you do, you are a man. Well thats her girlfriend." He looked at me even more suprised and said" Madde and Zara are a.. couple?" I laughed and said" I know it was a even bigger suprise for us at first too trust me." He laughed and said" I bet! But Madde is happy?" I said" I think so.." He said" Think?" I said" Well me and Madde isn't friends anymore since a few weeks back or maybe even a year.." He said" I'm sorry.. I thought you two would stay hand in hand intill you where 90 years old. " I said" Yeah so did I... but things happend and Nicky got more importent then me so that kind of how it started.. long story. And its not just her fault.." He noodded and I could see he had problmes knowing what to do.. if she should give me a hug or just don't do anything, so he touch my arm and said" I'm sorry." I said" Thanks ..so am I. " We walked in silence for a while then he said" So have you heard alot from your dad after he left when you where 15?" I said" I have.. or at least this last year. I have learn what an idoit he really is.. he have a daughther Maja that is living with us now since he was beating her up.. and Eddie just to leave her alone at home for months while him and his wife went to some amazing country." Tim said" What kind of father does that!! he deserves to get tortured in hell!" I said" I know.. So how are your mom and dad? I they where always so sweet towards me I like them. " he said" They liked you too..Well my dad is..dead..heart attack last year." I didn't really know what to say or who to act..I just gave him a hug and said" I'm so sorry.. " he nodded and I let go of him and he said" And mom is doing okay she acutally just started to date again.. " I said" How do you feel about that?" he sighn and said" As long as she is happy I'm. " I nodded and he said" So hows your mom? and all of your siblings?" I said" Mom is just good, she is getting married with a man named Johan so she's happy,and the monsters are just fine. " Then we was outside my house again and My was out playing in the snow and she ran over to us when she saw me. She looked at Tim and said" Who are you?" Tim smiled and said" I'm Tim.Who are you?" she said" Thats my brothers name! My name is My! This is my big sister!" I laughed and Tim said" Tove where my girlfriend for many years ago. " My said cocky " Tove is married now so go away!" I looked at her and said" My! Go and play again!" She just looked at me but did as I said and Tim was just laughing and said" I like her!" I laughed and said" I do to sometimes." he said" It was nice to meet you again Tove. " I said" You too, and you know if you ever want to talk about all this with your dad just call me..I know we don't know each other anymore but that can be easier sometimes." he smiled and said" Thanks I might do that. " I nodded and he gave me a hug and we said bye.

I walked inside again and entered mine and Jensens room which was emapty so I just got undressed and took a shower. When I had goten dressed I picked up my phone and called Zara, i was just about to hang up when she finally answerd and I said" That took long..where you and Madde busy.." She laughed and said" No acutally not, I was upstiars and my phone was downstiars. But anyway whats up?" I smiled and said" You want to do something? Maybe go out for a coffee or something?" She got quite for a while and I said" Zara? are you there?" she finally answer " I'm here, can't you come over here instead.. promised Madde to be home." I said" Sure i be there soon. Bye." we hang up and I took the car and drow over there.
I found Zara in the kitchen I gave her a hug and sat down on the otherside of the tabel she looked a little sad, so I asked if something was wrong and she smiled and said" No, why do you think that?" I said" It just your eyes look a bit sad and worried.."She smiled and said" Thats silly. " I just nodded and then I said" So where is your girlfriend then? Since she wanted you home." Zara looked at me confused for some reason and was just about to say something when Nicky enterd the kitchen and asked if he could talk to Zara, she nodded and they left. But David walked into the kitchen and looked at me and I said" So are you happy that mom and Madde are home again? " He got a huge smile on his face and said" Yeah its great! Now they need to be home forever!" I laughed and then Zara and Nicky came back and both of the them sat down. David walked over to Zara and sat down in her lap and gave her a hug, Zara kissed his cheek and said" Something wrong honey?" He shook his head and said" No, I'm just glad you are home again and Madde too. I missed you so much mom." Zara smiled and said" I missed you too sweety." David smiled and said" I love you mom." Zara gave him another hug and said" I love you too honey. Go and play now. " He nodded and look at Nicky and said" Dad can't you play some videogames with me?" Nicky smiled slightly and said" Not right now, tonight I promise!" David smiled and said " good!" Then he ran upstairs agian. I smiled and said" He's just so cute. " Zara said" He is! and he looks just like me right.." We all laughed and Zara said" Nicky is telling me sometimes that he dosn't think i'm his mother since he just looks like Nicky here." I laughed an said to Nicky" So thats mean you had sex with yourself since he just looks like you?" Nicky laughed and said" Of course, I mean its not like you can see anything that has to do with Zara in that kid." I said" Thats true.. I just didn't know you had a womb." We laughed and Madde walked into the kitchen and she just looked at me angry then she walked over to Zara and stroke her cheek and said" You look beutiful today love." Zara smiled and stroke Maddes back down over her ass, Madde just gave her a smile and said" What do you think you are doing? " Zara just laughed and said" Nothing I'm a inncent girl. " Madde just said" yeah right.. just like last night then.." Zara said" Shut up woman and give me a kiss." Madde smiled and bend down and gave her a passionet kiss, then Kim walked into the kitchen she looked at them disgusted and said" Mom come on not in the kitchen too! You two will soon have sex on the sofa!" Madde stopped kissing Zara and said to Kim" Who said we havn't all reday." Kim looked like she was going to die and Madde said" I can't kiss my gourgous girlfriend and I have sex with her?" Kim said" Exatlly!! You are so gross! "Madde smiled and said" Hard to keep my hands away from her." and she started to touch Zaras thigh Kim just looked even more disgusted and said" I'm going to Jimmy." Nicky said" No your not, its dinner in a few hours. " Kim looked at him and said" I wasn't talking to you I asked mom." Zara sighn and said" Fine just be home to dinner." Kim said" But mom I can eat there." Zara said" No I want you home for dinner because I want to talk to you, okay?" Kim sighned and nooded then walked out the door. Nicky looked at Zara and said" When I say no you should just agree with me. " she sighn and said" Nicky its a sunday and she have done her homework so she deserves to go to her boyfriend today. Its just because you thinks she is to young." Nicky just glared at her and she just shook her head and stood up and just pulled Madde in for another kiss. Then Madde went back upstiars and i said" You two seems cuddly today." She just smiled and I looked at Nicky and said" Can I talked to Zara alone for a few minuts?" He shook his head and said" Sorry no I will be stying here." just looked at Zara so she would send him away and she just gave me a nervious smile and said" You want some coffee?" I just looked at her confused and she said" But maybe tomorrow we can go out shopping? " Nicky said" I would love to come with you too." I said" Sure.." Zara looked at Nicky and they whipsred something fast and then I said" whats wrong with you guys?" both of them said" Nothing." I just nodded and still have no idea what the hell there problem is.. then my phone rang and it was mom and she was wondering if i could go to Ica to get some food and I promised I would. Then Madde came back and stroke Zaras cheek and said" Honey can you help me with something in the bedroom?" Zara nodded and she looked a little sad again and I said" Well i should get going since i promised mom to go to the store." I gave Zara a hug and I left.

Well I got home from the store I put everything away and I looked at Johan that was reading the paper and said" You want some help wíth dinner?" Johan smiled and said" I would love to sweety." I nodded and said" I come back in a while then." He nodded and I went upstairs to mine and Jensens room. Jensen was fixing a few things when he saw me, I smiled slightly and he said" Tove can we try to talk again? " I said" Not if you want to tell what an horrible mother Iam and all the lies that blonde bitch have told you!" he looked at me cold and said" Don't call her that. She's my friend one of my closet friends." I said" I notice when I found you two together on her car, then i notice how close you where..in everyway. She isn't my friend so I can call her whatever I want!" he said" No you can't she's still a woman and an amazing one. And you know we don't have sex now that is just stupid." I said" Yeah she told me when I asked her.. i don't know if i believe her thought." He said" Asked her what?" I said" Why don't you ask your best friend about that. You know the whore." He just looked at me disappointed and just walked towards the door and I took a deep breath and said" Jensen..I love you.." He looked at me and his face soften up alittle but then he tured around again and left. I don't know what sgoing on with him and now he wants to go to dallas too.. If he does he is stupid.

I just lay down in the bed and picked a book up and started to read intill I had to go downstiars and help Johan with dinner.
Well down in the kitchen we started to cook and we had a good time acutally we put on the radio and talked. I looked at him while he was chopping the onion and said" So hows it going with your and moms wedding plans? " Johan smiled and said" Well like we said for a couple weeks ago before this summer so we where talking about May, and we need to make a destion soon. " I nodded and said" You seem exctied." He smiled and said" I really am! she's an amazing woman and I love her so much and also I love all of you so much." I smiled and said" We love you too Johan." He smiled and said" So you don't mind that Madde will be the maid of honour?" I shook my head and said" No.. I don't like weddings.. and I know Madde would love that and to feel like mom really loves her. Have she asked her yet?" He said" No, not yet think she will soon though especaly since we will be setting the date soon." I nooded and cointinued with the potato. We stood there in slince for a while then he said" So hows Sofie doing this days?" I said" It's ups and downs.. yesterday she was doing okay. I havn't talked to her today I shoud call her later. " He nodded and said" Its so sad.. horrible. She is such a happy woman with so my life and energie." I said" I know, she's amazing." He said" Yeah she is." Then we talkde about everything and nothing and after an hour of laughing, cooking an talking dinner was ready.
We was eating in the dinning room instead of the kitchen so we served the food there and everyone was there except Jensen.. I looked at mom and said" Do you know where Jensen is?" She shook her head and said" No I havn't seen him." I lookde at the rest of them and they also said no so I asked My to ran upstiars to see if he was there. She can back after a few minuts and said neither him or Dennie was there. I got really confused and abit worred but mom told me to sit down which i did and we all started to eat and I could see Johan giving mom weird glares now and then.. I really don't know whats wrong with my family but there is something in the air.
We talked a little while we was eating but nothing special or they decied that we are going to have a family night with a few games and maybe a movie. After dinner i helped with the dishes and the kids and decide for a game and we just about to start playing when my phone rang and it was Henrik so I told them to start without me and I walked into the kitchen to talk. He asked if I wante to take a walk and I told him i would be done in 15 minuts.
So I got dressed and walked into the livingroom and My said" Tove! I want you on my team." I smiled and said" I promise Henrik to take a walk.. maybe later." She said sad" It was family night.." I said" I'm sorry.. I forgot. But he's ready on his way over so I can't call him. Tomorrow just you and me and play whatever game you want I promise. " She said angry" No! You don't want to be with me!" I said" My.. honey its not that.. I just take a quick walk and be back in a little while okay?" She smiled a little and said" You promise?" I nodded she said" Good!" I smiled and then i said" bye."

Henrik had drowen his car here and he gave me a hug and we started to walk. He asked how I was feeling and I smiled and said" I'm good.. but you are making me worried when you say it like that.. i'm not good?" He smiled and said" I don't know anything get so don't worry, i bet you are fine." I smiled and said" What about you?" He said" I'm just good. Its so nice that we have seen each other so much latly i liked that, I have missed you." I smiled and said " I have missed hanging out with you too, we always have such a good time."He laughed and said" Yeah like when we had sex." I laughed and said" I wasn't talking about that silly! But yeah that was fun too. " He laughed and said" I know was just kidding since you are a married woman now." after a few seconds silence I said" Can I ask you something?" He nooded and I said" Do you stll have any kind feelings for me? and you know what I mean" He sighned and said" I do.. not as strong as before but I still do, I care about you a lot you know. And Jensen is a lucky dude." I nodded and after a few seconds I said " So do you want to go out some night? so we can find you a woman." he laughed and said" You are going to find me a girl?" I laughed and said" Yes Iam!" He just laughed and said" Well sure i would love to see what you would find me." I said" Good, then we have a deal. " We walked for another half hour and talked then I said" I promised My to not be gone so long" He said" Thats okay, i shouldn't walk so long either cause of my knee." We started to walk home. When we was there we talked a while longer then I gave him a hug and went inside. They were still playing My got happy when she saw me I smiled and got undressed and joined them. My and Emil won like everytime and then it was time for the kids to go to bed since it was school tomorrow. So they said goonight and I looked at mom and said" No Jensen?" She shook her head and I walked upstairs and here I'm blogging and the time is around 10 at night and still no Jensen or Dennie.. I have even tried his phone but that was turned of so I got straight to voice message so I have left a few of them too... this is really weird and I'm worried..

Well thats all I have to say..
Hopefully i will find out where they are so i can stop worring..
Tomorrow you will here from Madde.
Well take care!
Kisses
Tove

Good friends

2010-01-30T07:02:00.000-08:00

So, according to Tove I have a disorder in my head and I'm a bitch... Well... To be honest with you I'm not really going to comment on that because I'm not going to give her the pleasure of pissing me off more than I am. Fine, she can think whatever she wants and you can think whatever you want but I just simply don't care. All I care about is what my true friends and my girlfriend think about me and I know that they love me and what a bitch, who is dissing her husband for a friend, thinks and what people I have never even met think is none of my concern.

Instead of talking about that whore I thought I should tell you a little about my day and what has happened. This morning I woke up by a lovely voice saying "Good morning baby." close to my ear. I smiled and slowly opened my eyes and saw Zara standing by my bed with a tray in her hands. She put it down on the bed and nestled down in the bed next to me. I smiled and looked at the coffee and sandwiches and everything she had brought with her and I gave her a soft kiss and said "Good morning angel. Breakfast in bed? What's the occasion?". She smiled and said "Nothing, I just wanted to spoil my amazing and beautiful girlfriend a little.". I smiled and said "You are the one who's amazing Zara.". She gave me a shy smile and then took one of the cups of coffee and took a sip. We ate under silence and then I put the tray on the floor and took Zaras hand and said "I'm sorry.". She looked a bit confused and I continued "I'm sorry that I haven't opened up to you as much as you have opened up to me...". She looked down on the bed so that she wouldn't meet my gaze and said "You seem to open up to Nicky a lot easier and... I'm your girlfriend right?". I put my fingers under her chin and forced her face up so I could see her eyes and said "Of course I'm your girlfriend. I love you Zara. the thing with Nicky is that... He's seen me when I was a wreck... He knows when something is bothering me and he asks me about it. I know that he blames himself for a lot of the things I and you went through last year and he just wants to make sure I'm okay.". She slowly nodded but didn't say anything so I continued "I don't open up easily... I know that you don't either but in that way you are stronger than me. We know how strong you are and because of that you can show yourself vulnerable... I hate to show myself vulnerable... Everyone thinks that I'm tough and doesn't really give a damn but I do. You know, last year when I told Nicky that... that he had to try to fix things with you and the kids... That was the hardest thing I've ever done.". She nodded and I could tell that she wasn't happy to hear about me and Nicky so I said "Do you want me to continue? I'm trying to open up to you and explain... But if you don't want to hear it I can stop.". She shook her head and said "No, go on.". I nodded and said "I couldn't sleep... I just cried and it felt like my heart had been ripped out of my body and it was just an empty bleeding hole there. There had only been one time before that that I had felt so vulnerable and lost and that was when Niklas and I still lived with dad... To feel like that again was the worst thing ever and I tried so hard to keep my "tough-Madde” mask on but it just came off all the time and revealed that scared and weak little girl.". A tear fell down my cheek and I thought back on that time last year, it was truly the hardest thing ever. Zara said "You don't have to be that tough Madde with me..", I shook my head and said "I don't... I won't go back to feeling like that again. I can't... I'm sorry.". She bit her lower lip and brushed away some of my tears and said "But it's not good that you push that side of yourself down and into yourself. It will just build up and maybe next time it reveals itself it will be worse.". More tears ran down my cheeks and I cried "I don't care. I can't feel like that again. It'll be the end of me.". She said "So... how did... how did you stop feeling like that then?". I said "By breaking my own rule and go and see Nicky... But you know what... You helped me too.". She had tears in her eyes as I said the first line and I knew I had hurt her but then she looked confused and me and said "I did? How?". I brushed my tears away and took her hand and said "You became my fake girlfriend and... the family came back together again and I felt better. Thanks to you.". She smiled but cried at the same time and I wrapped my arms around her and said "really?!". I nodded against her shoulder and then I brushed her tears away and gave her a kiss and said "Sweetheart, like I said, I'm not good at opening up so you're going to have to ask me. You're going to have to show interest in what I feel and what I want. I know that are interested but you never ask me and then I just feel like you don't want to know what I feel or think.". She nodded and said "I'm sorry. I do want to know and from here on I will ask you.". I smiled and said "Good and I will try to talk to you and open up even though you don't ask me okay?". She said "then we have a deal.", I nodded and said "Shall we go downstairs?". She just nodded so we got dressed and went downstairs.

The TV was on in the living room so it wasn't so hard to guess where Nicky were at but then we heard a voice say "How long are they sleeping?". Nicky just laughed and said "See what I have to live with?". the other man laughed and I knew that laugh from anywhere so I quickly walked into the living room and flew up on the sofa and gave Jensen a big hug. He laughed yet again and said "You're up!". I smiled and said "Yeah what are you doing here?", he said "nah, was thinking of asking you and Nicky if you felt like going boxing.". I smiled and looked at Nicky who at first looked at me like something was wrong and then smiled and said "I would love to!". I smiled and walked over to him and gave him a hug as well and when I was going to let my grip around him g he held on to me and looked me in the face and said "What's wrong?". I couldn't help but smile just because it was just that I had been talking about with Zara. I put my hand on his cheek and said "Don't worry. Everything is fine right now.". He looking into my eyes with his bright blue eyes and it was like her was trying to read my mind and I knew he wasn't happy with that answer so I said "We should take a walk later.". He nodded and then let go of me like he was happy with that and then I looked at Jensen and said "So when are we going?". He shrugged and said "Asap?", I smiled and said "Sounds great! I have to get my gloves and all from my old room... I left them there for some reason. Ehm... what about Jare?". Jensen said "Well he might want to come, why don't Nicky go and get his gear and then we take his car and get ours and maybe Jared and then we go to the gym?". I said that it sounded like a good idea and Nicky went to get his stuff and I sat down with Jensen in the sofa and said "So you tried to talk to her?". He nodded and looked really down and said "Yeah but... she just got angry and left. She didn't even come to the apartment when we were going to get our stuff. She just left me hanging and deal with it all myself. I don't know what to do anymore... I just want to...". I took his hand and felt so sorry for him and said "I know... she went for a walk with Sofie instead... What do you want to do?". He looked at me like what I said was just totally unimaginable and he said "I can't believe her! She knew our stuff was coming! God... I just want go away from here!". When he said that I just felt so sad because I didn't want him to leave, he is one of my closest friends and he means so much to me. I said "Where do you want to go?", he shrugged and said "I don't know... Home. To my family.". I said "You want to go to Texas?", he shrugged yet again and said "I don't know... I don't know what to do anymore.". I stroke his arm and said "I'm so sorry Jensen, you don't deserve this. You deserve so much better.". He nodded slowly and then he gave me a hug and said "thank you Madde, I can always count on you. I love you, you're a good friend.". I smiled and kissed his cheek and said "Of course you can, I'm always here for you handsome. I love you too.". He smiled and then Nicky came in and said "Alright let's get going.". Jensen and I got up and the lads went and got dressed and I went to the kitchen and gave Zara a kiss and said "I'll be home later. I love you.". She smiled and said "I love you too. Have fun and don't kill them.". I laughed slightly and said "I would never do that.". She just laughed and I followed the boys lead, got dressed and went to the car.

We drove off to Alexandersson so that Jensen and I could get our stuff so we parked the car on the drive way and went inside. Kristina and Johan was in the kitchen and when I walked in they smiled and mum said "Hey sweetheart.". I smiled and gave her a hug and then Johan kissed my cheek and I hugged him and he said "It's good to see you again honey.". I smiled and said "You too. Do you guys know where Jared is?". Johan laughed and said "Where do you think?", I sighed and took Jensens hand and we walked upstairs. He went to his and Toves bedroom and I went to jareds. First i knocked on the door but I didn't get an answer so I opened the door and saw a half naked handsome man sleeping on my old bed. I smiled and took in the sight of his sexy self and then I closed the door and walked over to the bed and bent down by his head and kissed his cheek. He moved a little and mumbled but didn't wake up so I whispered "Jared wake up.". He mumbled again and turned his face to me adn slowly opened his eyes. Then he just smiled and said with a low voice "It wasn't a dream.". I just smiled and sat down on the bed and said "No it wasn't, I'm here.". He smiled and yawned wide and said "i can see that. What's up?", I said "Well... I'm just here to get my boxing gloves and ask if you want to go with Jensen, Nicky and I?". He streched out and said "Now?", I nodded and said "Yeah, as soon as possible.". he said "Okay, sure but I ahve to eat something first.". I smiled, goot up and held out my hand to him and said "Come on then.". He smiled, took my hand and got up and said "Thanks for asking me.", I nodded and said "Of course. It was so long ago that we went boxing together.". He smiled and said "Yeah it was.", I nodded and then he walked closer to me and said "Can I get a hug?", I smiled and wrapped my arms around his neck and felt hur strong arms around my body and his bare skin against my top. I have to say that I miss him a lot. I miss him around me, you know. He is such a sweet guy and whoever he chooses to fall in love with is a lucky bitch but if she hurts him I will do some pretty horrible stuff to her becuase he deserves the best.

Anyway when Jensen and I had gotten our stuff and Jared had eaten and everything we were finally on our way to the gym to get a good workout. We parked the car and went inside and there we met the trainer Charlie. I gave him a hug and he shoo the lads hands and he said "It's good to see you guys again! How are you?". I smiled and said "We're all good.", then he looked at Jared and said "And how's your rib man?". Jared laughed and said "It's all good now, but I'm never going to loose focus when I box with her again.". I felt really guilty and said "I'm sorry Jare!". He laughed and hugged me playfully and then Charlie said "No she's a true fighter that one. Do you guys want some help today or just hang out yourself? I got a room in the back for you that's available.". I said "We would love it if you helped us.". he nodded and we went to the back room and started to warm up with some rope jumping, jump jacks, side-to-side, push-up and some sit-ups. After that warm up it was time to wrap our hands and we all went and got our own and Nicky said "You want me to help you out Madde?". I nodded and said "Sure.", so i agev him the wrap and he began wrapping my hands. He was really concentrated and I just smiled as I saw his hands work with the wrap. When he was on my left hand I noticed that he hesitated slightly but then continued. I stroke my other hand over his head and he looked up at me and I just looked at him and then he nodded and conitnued. Afer a while when I had wrapped his hands as well Charlie said "alright let's do this. Who wants to go first?". I nodded towards Jensen and said "Jensen you were the one who came up with this brilliant idea.". he smiled and siad "okay if I can spar with you.". I smiled and said "Sure!", so I put on the boxing hand pads and Jensen put on the gloves and we started to spar. While we were sparing Jared and Nicky started to do the same next to us and then we switched partners a few times so that everyone got to spar with everyone. After our workout we relaxed for a while and just talked and then we drove off home again so we could take a shower and continue our day.

When Nicky and I came home the house was completely empty so I sent Zara a text and asked where she was and recived one saying that she was haning out with Sara. Then I took one shower and Nicky took the other. It was really nice to take a long warm shower after a hard workout and after the shower I wrapped a towel around me and went to mine and Zaras room to get dresses. I had just put my bra and panties on when Nicky knocked on the door and I told him to come in which he did. I could tell that he was trying not to look to much as he sat down on the bed and then he said "Instead of going for a walk... tell me now. What's going on?". I put on a red shirt and sat down next to him and said "I don't know if I should tell you...". He took my hand and said "You can tell me anything Madde. I'm always here for you.". I smiled and put my hand on his cheek and said softly "I know Nicky. But it's kind of between me and Zara...". I removed my hand and he said "I see... can't you just give me a hint so I don't have to worry about you?". I smiled and said "You don't have to worry about me. She... she just wants me to open up to her like I open up to you. And.... and she wants you to back off from me like I told you to back off from her...". He sighed and said "she does?", I nodded and then he looked me in the eye and said "What do you want?". I looked away and said "I need you but she is my girlfriend and I love her and... I want her to be happy.". He put a hand on my cheek and forced me to look at him and said "So you want me to stay away from you?". I said "Nicky, she doesn't want us to stay away from each other... She just wants to be the one who finds out what I feel before you..". He huffed and said "She can't even tell when something is bothering you.". I said "Please stop. I've talked to her and this is between me and her. I will still talk to you, I still need you and... and you know that you are the one who knows me best. You can tell at once of somthing is wrong and I love you for that.". He nodded slightly and said "Okay... good.", I smiled and gave him a hug and said "I love you nico!". He said back "I love you too Madde.", then we broke from the hug and went downstairs to eat something because we were starving.

As we were sitting at the table eating a sandwish and drinking coffee my phone began to ring and I picked it up and I heard a little girls voice say "Madde! Dad is mean!". I laughed and said "Nicole is that you?". She said "Yes! Daddy is mean to me!", I looked at nicky and he looked so confused and I said to Nicole "What is he doing?". Then she let out a loud scream like just little girls can and I think I got deaf for a while and Nicky just burst out laughing and I said "What is going on nicole?". Then she said "Dad wants me to take a bath but I don't want to!!". I laughed and said "And why did you scream?". She said "Because daddy found me under the bed! He is trying to get me out!". And then I heard shane say "Who are you talking to Nicole?" and she said "Madde! And she says you are mean!". I just laughed and said "When did i say that? I never said that Shane was mean.". She laughed and said "Yes you did.", I laughed back and said "Now you are lying to your dad Nicole, you shouldn't do that you know.". She was quiet for a bit and then she said to Shane "She doesn't think you are mean dad.". I just burst out laughing and i could almost see the scene infront of me. Nicole hiding under Shane and Gillians bed with the phone to her ear talking to me while Shane is lying on the floor trying to crawl under the bed to get her. I tried to calm down and said "Can I talk to your dad please?". She said "No! then you will just tell him to give me a bath!". I said "I promise you I wont. But maybe you can get some icecream if you take that bath.". She inhaled loudly and said "Really!!!", and I heard Shane say "what?". I just laughed and said "Maybe... put Shane on now sweetheart.". She sighed and sadi "Fine!" and then Shane said "Hello?". I smiled and said "Hey handsome.", he said "I should have known she would call you. hey sweetie.". I smiled and said "I just told her that maybe she could get some icecream if she took that bath. Sorry.". He just laughed and said "Might be a good idea.", then he said to Nicole "Okay Nicole, you'll get some icecream if you take the bath just like madde said. But you have to get out from under the bed right now in that case.". I could hear her crawl out from under the bed and then Shane said "Thanks for the advice. You are pretty good with kids even if you don't see it yourself.". I huffed and said "maybe with nicole but that's because she is easy to persuade.". Shane laughed and said "Perhaps but you know she would do anything for icecream.". I laughed and then he said "You know what, I have to go and make sure she went to the bathroom... Send my love to Nicky and I'll talk to you later.". I said "Okay, I'll do that. Yeah talk to you later Shay. Love you, bye.". He said "Good, love you too sweetie, byebye.", then we hung up and I told Nicky what Shane had said.

For a few hours Nicky and I didn't do anything what so ever, we just watched tv. But then Zara came home and after her the kids so we.. or Nicky, started to make dinner and Zara joined me in the sofa. I put my arm around her and she snuggled closer and I asked her how her day had been and she said "It was good. Niklas told me to give you a big hug btw." so she gave me a big hug and I just smiled and realized that i missed my big brother. then she asked how my day had been and I said "It was great. I didn't kill anyone.". she laughed and said "that's great Madde! I'm so proud of you!". i heard the irony in her voice so I pushed her down on the sofa and started to tickle her and she just laughed so hard and of course I did the same thing. When she finally begged me to stop I looked at her and brushed some har away from her gorgeous face and said "You should be proud of me.". She smile and said "I am.", I smiled and leaned down and kissed her wonderful lips and she put her hand behind my neck to keep my head in place and she started to kiss me deeper and her tougne was playing with mine. Suddenly we heard Kim say "Oh my god! Ew! Stop it!!". I looked up and saw her disgusted face in the door way. I just laughed and gave Zara one last kiss and helped her to sit up and I said to Kim "What, we can't kiss?". She looked even more disgusted and said "No! You are so gross!". I just laughed and Zara gave me a look saying "Stop messing with her." but she also had a smile on her lips. I just smiled and then Nicky yelled that dinner was ready so we went to the diningroom to eat.

After dinner we decided to have a family night in so Emma and Mattias made some popcorn, Zara made some cucumber- and carrotsticks and Nicky and I made a good dip. David got to choose the movie and Kim got something for us all to drink. The movie we watched was Avatar which is a really good movie and it was really cozy to snuggel up with the whole family and watch a good movie and eat a lot of good stuff. After a few movies it was time for bed and now I'm sitting here but Zara wants me to come to bed and I want to go to bed as well. My beautiful woman is waiting for me you know!

Well that's all from me for today. I really hope Jensen will figure out what it is he wants to do and hopefully tove will realize what the fuck she is doing to that man. But you know what, she doesn't even deserve him, he deserves someone so much better.

Anyway, take care!
Love
Madde

Love and Hate

2010-01-29T04:15:00.000-08:00

Hey guys!

Well apprently I have changed according to a blonde thing also called Madde, just because me and Jensen havn't speand every singel minut together this last week it has to be something wrong with me accrding to Madde and apprently Jensen too, since he though it was mentally ill! For me that means that one of my closest friends are dying and neededs me and I don't see anythng wrong with that. If someone has mentally problmes its those two especially that blonde thing, I always knew she had some kind of problem I mean what normal healty person would have sex with your sisters dad that almost was her dad too once, then have sex with her sisters boyfriend, then leave her little sister alone at home for 7 hours, then steal her sisters or friends boyfriend, and also not be abel to be in a relationship without having sex with alot of other guys and pluse think that is abouslty normal. I know I have done the same but not as much as her.. then she have also almost killed someone and so on i think this list can go on and on for hours but I won't. But my point is she most have some kind of disorder in her head everything can't be right there, I mean she can't both have the look and the brain and we all know she has the look so that most mean she is brainless.. Well enought about that one, lets talk about today instead.

Well I woke up in mine and Jensens bed and I was pretty tired since I had been hanging with Henrik last night and I didn't get home intill 4 this morning. I tured around and faced Jensen he looked at me and said " Good morning..how was your night? " I yawn and said" It was good. What about your night with the bitch?" He sighn and said " Tove don't call her that. " I said" Oh sorry for insulting your lovely Madde. " he said" Are you jealous is that way you are like this?" I looked at him angry and said" No i'm not! Jealous of her? I don't think so. " he took my hand in his and I just pulled my hand away and he said " Tove can't we please talk? I can go downstairs to get some coffee for both of us and then we can talk? " I sighn and said" Sure.. " he smiled slightly and said" Thanks.. I be right back. I love you. " He got up and left and I just laid there waiting. After a few minuts the door opend again and he walked over to me and reach out a cup to me and said " Here honey. " I took it and said thanks and he sat down on the bed with my feets and looked at me. We sat there in silence for a minut or so then he said " Why are you never home anymore? Is it something I have done? If it's my fault I want you to tell me.. " I said" I didn't even know this was anyones fauilt, just because i'm not home for a week it has to be something wrong? Just because I want to speand time with my friend Sofie." He said " Thats the problem Tove for a few days ago you said you speand time with her but you didn't.. you lied to me and you have never done that before not that I know of anyway.. " I said" I'm sorry that I lied I really am.. but I needed to be by myself for a while... its not like you can't be wihout me for a few hours." He said" Why did you want to be alone? " I started to get annoied by all his qustions and I said " Is this some kind of innterrogation?! " He said" No its not. I just want to know why you feelt that you had to lie to me.. Tove we are married and I love you more then anything and you should know by now that you can tell me anything I'm alwasys here for you..but married couples arn't suppose to lie to each other." I said angry" Married couples are also suppose to trust each other! And right now I have a feeling you don't trust me! " Jensen said" Okay fine that you leave me here but what about your daughther she neededs you more then anyone." I said" Its not like I have abanded her! I'm right here!" He said" Okay Tove tell me how many minuts this last week you have speand with her, how many times you have hold her or even touch her?!" I couldn't believe that he just had called me a bad mother, i got so angry I just got out of bed and took my softy pants and went downstairs and took my jacket and the car keys and drove off.

I parked infront of Zaras house and I was praying that Madde wasn't home.. I walked over to the house and knocked on the door and then opend it and said hello, and I heard Zaras voice from the kitchen so I went there and she was siting at the table looking in some magazine. I have her a hug and said" Can I borrow some clothes from you look horrible!" She laughed a little and said" Sure, i can come with you. " I could hear Maddes and Nickys voice in the livingroom so I just went upstairs with Zara behind me. We went into her and Maddes bedroom and closed the door, Zara sat down on the bed while I started to get undressed to then get dressed again. I looked at zara and cover my boobs with my hands and said " You have a bra can borrow? " She laughed and nodded and she walked over to me and stroke my bare back and said" You okay?" I nodded then she showed me where she had all her bras and I took one and put it on while she went back to the bed and it was a little big and I looked at Zara and said" I can't believe even you have bigger boobs then me! " Zara smiled and said " I can see that! And that makes me happy!" I laughed and said" I bet and stop looking at my boobs! " She laughed and said" You are beautful anyway and I was not looking that much! " I laughed and said" Is it now you are going to tell me that you are in love with me? " she laughed and said" Exatlly! No just kidding...I'm not a lesbian! " I said" No you are right you are not a lesbian, you are just bisexuall. " she said" I'm not! " I put on a pair of jeans and said" How many women have you had sex with? " she shugged and said" I don't know, but i have just been in love with one woman. " I said" More then 20?" She said " I guess.." I laughed and said" Yeah you are straight.. " She said" Yes I am! " I just laughed and got dressed then I sat down in the armchair and looked at her and said" I'm sorry about your mom.. " she nooded and said" Yeah so am I.. i just wanted to believe she had changed so badly just like Maddes dad had.. but I didn't have that luck and I kind of knew that before I went there. But allreday have a mom that loves me so much so its not that big of a deal really.. " she looked so sad almost like she wanted to cry... I said " Zara are you really this sad about your mom or is it someting more that is going on?" she sighn and said" Its just that..." Then she stopped and looked at her hands and I took her hand and said" Its just what? You can tell me. " She said" Well.. about me and Madde.. it feels like I open up for her about everything this with Anton she even got to read my notpads that day.. and this with my mom and alot of other things.. she even told Nicky to back of since I was her girlfriend which complitly understand.. I think its really sweet of her even. And I love talking to her and I know she will always be there for me and listen and all that, I love her so much, she is the best thing that have ever happend to me after my kids.." She got quite again and I said" Then whats wrong sweety?" She said" It feels like she dosn't open up too me.. I am a person that have hard trouble trusting people and even then if I open up for them that is big.. and she dosn't really have that problem as I have but still she dosn't talk to me.. not in the sameway I talk to her.. If something is wrong she goes to Nicky not me.. and I feel if she wants him to back a few steps from my life so she can be there for me I want him to do the same from her.. shes my girlfriend not his. Its not that I don't trust her its not at all that I'm so happy they are friends that we all are.. but I want to feel like her.. girlfriend..not just in a sexual way, I want to be her girlfriend in everyway.. " tears started to roll down from her eyes and she countinued " I heard Nicky and Madde talking about Maddes mom this morning and that she might wanted to see her and Nicky promised to help her and be there for her and so on.. I am the one suppose to do that, to help her and be there for her and comfort her if thats what she need and just help her in anyway I can.. she haven't even told me about her wanted to meet her mom.. " I said" They started to talk about it yesterday.." She nooded and said" I want to help her, also me of everyone understands how it is to have parents that drink or hit ther children.. or leave.. my dad left when I was just a kid one day he was just gone.. and I had no idea why and I still don't... and of course I blamed myself..so even though everyone react diffrently and have diffrent feelings I still understands in someway what she has been throw and going throw. More then Nicky dose or you or anyone else.. so I really don't get why she can't talk to me.. I have opend up about every feeling I have in me everything from Anton to how much I love her to why I hate oranges so much... and that is so not me but it just feels so easy to talk with her because I love her so much.. I can't believe I'm saying this... but sometimes it feels like she dosn't.. trust me enough... and that makes me so sad... I know they are friends and talk but I mean me and Sara are friends and talk but even though I always go to Madde first because it feels right.. but i'm not saying she has to do the same it would just be nice if she talk to me at all about something that she has on her heart.. " tears was just welling out of her eyes and I said" You havn't told her about this? " She shook her head and said" no.. this the only thing I havn't told her about.. I'm scared she will get angry with me for believing all this and I don't want her to get the wrong idea that I don't want her to be friends with Nicky its not that at all..I'm so glad they have each other since love them both of course in diffrent ways, and I can see how happy they make each other and I don't want to fight.. but at the sametime I want to talk to her about it.. " I said" I don't think she will get angry.. i think she will be sad since she havn't thought about it.. you should tell her this is a big deal and she wants you to be happy and dosn't be sad.. and if she gets angry she is just stupid.." she just cried even more and I just sat down on the bed and wrapped my arms around her.

We sat there for a while and she finally started to calm down alittle... I feelt so bad for her since I can see how much she loves Madde and how scared she is of losing her..
But then we heard a angry voices from downstairs so Zara quickly dried her tears away and both of us fast went downstairs into the kitchen where we heard voices. There was Jonas and this time he was drunk and Emma arguing. Zara looked at Jonas and said " What do you want? " He said angry" How the hell could you let this happend Zara what kind of mom are you?!" then he turn to Emma and said" Have you heard about the word protection! " Emma said " Yes and maybe you dosn't know what that is and if you did then I wouldn't have got born and the biggest mistake in your life and you could been happy, right?! " He said" Well if you and your brother wouldnt have gotten born I could have been out parting with my friends instead of change diapers on you two all day! " I couldn't be quite anymore and said" Jonas how many times did you acutally staid home to watch them? What I remebere is Zara talking care of them and if she was away it was our mom not you!" then Madde and Nicky enter then kitchen too and Madde loked at him furious and I think she was on her way to kill him when Nicky grabbed her arm. Then Jonas said" Well fortuntely Anton is dead so he dosn't have to live in ths crap.. maybe for the best that he is death too." I could see how Zaras heart just broke and how angry and hurt she got and Madde was on her way to kill Jonas and she started to yell at him and zara just told Madde to shut up. Zara walked over to him and just slamed her cleanched fist into Jonas face as hard as she could and I have never seen Zara so angry before and I think all of us got shocked I mean like Madde wrote Zara dosn't even call people idoit or anything else and now this but he deserved it so bad. Then she said angry " All you do is drink! So don't come her and tell me that I'm a bad parent, I might not be the best but I'm way better then you! " Jonas nose had started to bleed and he said" I have heard you have had some trouble with the booze too so Zara you are not perfect!" She said" I have never said I'm perfect! and If you knew me even a little you know that!" Then Madde said furious" She is perfect so shut up dick before i cut it off!!! " Emma was crying and said" You are not my dad anymore! I have a dad and thats Nicky and he loves me." Nicky walk over to her and hugged her and Zara said to Jonas " And you won't come here and tell my child that she is a mistake! Leave us alone and if you don't I will get custody of her and I mean that! " Now Mattis and Jocke came downstairs and Jonas just stared at Mattias and said " Are you the one that is screwing my daughther?!! And making her pregnant?!!" Mattias said" And you are Emmas father I guess. And maybe, maybe not." Jonas was furious and said" I'm fucking going to kill you!!" Mattias said " I'm not scared of you!" Zara looked at Jonas and said" Leave my house and my family now!! You are not welcome here anymore!" He just stood there staring at Mattias and Zara just said " Now Jonas!" Then Madde said" Leave!!" Then Jocke walked over to him and stood next to Zara and said" Did you hear what they say?! Get the fuck out of here! " Then Emma cried " Dad please just go! " Jonas just looked at all of us and mutter "fine..but this isn't over!" Then he left...Madde walke over to Zara and stroke her back and ask if she was okay and she sighn and said" Yeah.." Zara turned around and looked at Emma that was crying in Nickys arms and she walked over to her and changed place with Nicky.. then Emma said" I need to take a shower..." She just left crying. Madde looked at Zaras hand and said" We need to do something about this..I can't believe you hit that idoit, but good jus wish I could have killed him!" Zara said" I'm okay dosn't hurt so bad.." She gave Madde a kiss and Nicky came over with a icebag for Zaras hand and he laughed a little and said" I didn't know you had it in you." She smiled slighty and said" Me neither." I could feel Maddes eyes on me all the time when we sat at the kitchen table talking.. then she said" Where is your husband?" I meet her eyes that where filed with hate and just for a months ago where filled with love alot have happend.. and I have to say I kind of miss her.. well anyway I said" At home. " then Zara said" What was that this morning since you borrow clothes from me and all that? How is it between you and Jensen?" I stood up and said" I need to go.. Zara thanks for the clothes and I call you tonight and if you neede to talk call me.." I gave her a hug and whisperd" Try to talk to Madde she will listen." She nodded and said" Tomorrow to much have happend today.. " I nodded and kissed her cheek and said bye to Nicky and I could feel how much Madde wanted to ripe my head off.. and I didn't feel like dying and I didn't want to fight either since Zara had been throw enough.

When I got home I went into the kitchen where mom was siting and I asked where Jensen was and she said" At your apartment since you are getting everything you orderd today.. you forgot?" I nooded and went upstairs and went into the shower and it was good to feel the water falling over my body so I stood there a while. Then I got dressed and my phone rang and I picked up and heard a happy loving voice on the otherside saying hello, I smiled and said" Hey Donna! How are you doing?" she said" I'm just good honey, how are you after all this with Jensen? " I said" I'm good, to be honest it havn't really sank in get that this really happend and that he was almost dead.. it feel so unreal.." she said" I know what you mean, but the most importent is that he is fine now." I smiled and said" It is. I miss you guys so much.." she said" We miss you guys too..even though it wasn't long ago we saw each other..and our amazing grand daughther she is just so cute! I wish I could hug her everyday!!" I smiled and said" Hopefully soon you will, she is so adorable!" donna said" Just like her mom and dad then. " I smiled and said" Shes even better." then she said" So have you heard anything more about that with your cancer?" I sighn and said" No.. Henrik called a few days ago and told me it would take some time. But I'm okay or I feel great so I has to be.." she said" I hope so sweety. You know I love you so much like my daughther. " I smiled and said" I love you too so so much. You are sweet for calling me too even though you talk with Jensen." She said" Of course, I want to talk to my amazing Tove." I smiled and we talked a while longer then she had to go. So I thought i was going to give sofie a call since I allreday was laying down on bed with the phone in my hand. She quicky picked up and said " Why did you lie to Jensen? " I sighn and said" Because I needed sometime by myself.. and I didn't tell him because I didn't want a thousand qustions why and I know it was wrong but then it just feelt easier.. " she said" Where did you go? " I said" I cheaked into a hotel and staied there.. " she said" And why did you lie to me?" I said" Sofie look.. I'm sorry, and I'm sorry about Madde yesterday she had no right getting pissed at you.. " She said" Yeah.. so why did you want to be alone?" I said" Sofie I don't want to talk to you over the phone about this since I can hear you are upset.." She said" Okay... you want to take a walk? " I said" I would love too.. I can be over in a while." She said" Good. You promise me to be honest then? " I said" Yes sweety I'm so sorry and I promise I will. You deserve that.. I love you honey." she said" I love you too.. I'm just worried about you." I said" You shouldn't worry about me, i'm fine. I'm the one that is worried about you and I have all right to be. " She sighn and said" Yeah.. see you in a little while then?" I smiled slightly and said" Yes we will honey, bye." She said bye and we hang up. So here I am, I thought I should blogg before I go and meet sofie since I proably won't be home intill late.

But now I have to go and get reday and I see you soon!
And you will here from..Madde tomorrow..
Well take care!
Kisses
Tove

Angry day!

2010-01-28T13:55:00.000-08:00

Heya.

I can't explain how fucking angry I am right now at that fucking bitch Tove Alexandersson! I've told her so many times this past year that if she hurts Jensen I would kill her well you know what, she has just hurt him so I'm going to put an end to this! I will not see him sad again because of that skank! Anyway let me tell you what she did this time but first I have to tell you about my day visiting people with Zara and Emma.

The whole day started with me waking up in an empty bed and I desided that it was time to get up. I looked into my wardrobe and tried to find a big t-shirt but there where none. I sighed and said "that was one of the good things about Jared...". I just put on a top instead and went downstairs to the kitchen were Nicky was sitting eating his breakfast together with David. I said good morning to them and Nicky said "Morning love.". I smiled and then David said "Good morning Madde." which made me smile even more. I took some coffee and sat down next to Nicky and began to make a sandwich. Then Nicky said "You should get ready for school David.". He sighed and said "How come Emma gets to stay home today?!". Nicky said "Well because they have a day off at her school but they don't at yours so off you go.". I could tell he wasn't happy as he left the table but he did anyway and I patted Nickys arm and said "Good father.". He laughed and said "Thank you. So... I heard about your planes for today. Zara told me.". I nodded and he said "How does it feel?". I shrugged and said "I don't know. I mean, I know for a fact that I'm going to get angry with Jonas and I'll do my best not to hit him but about her mum... I'm not sure.". I tilted his head to the side and siad "How come?". I said "Ehm... I just... I don't know how act around that subject. I mean, I don't have a mum either and I've never gotten a letter or anything from her so I don't really know how to be there for Zara when she meets her mum.". He nodded and said "Well I just think you have to be there. Just be there and if she needs to talk then you'll listen.". I nodded and said "I guess I can do that. I just hope I don't break down.", he stroke my cheek and said "Why would you?". I bit my lower lip and said "I did once before when I told Jared about my mum and... I guess I wish I could get a letter from my mother as well..". I slowly looked up from the table and met Nickys eyes and they were just filled with compassion and he said "You know, if you really want to find her you probobly can.". I said "But I don't know if I want to find her. Or find out what happened to her. What if i find out that the fact that she left us was becuase she didn't want me and Niklas and that she just didn't care about us? Then I'll just be more upset.". He moved his chair closer and I felt his knee against my thigh and he took my hand and said "She is a fool in that case.". I sighed and said "Jared said that too. But still, she is my mother and she is supposed to want me right? A mother is supposed to want her child just like zara wants and loves all of hers. isn't that what motherly love is?". He nodded and stroke his thumb over my hand while saying "You're right. She should want you and maybe she did and does but just couldn't because of your dad or something.". I said "Yeah but if it was because of dad then she could have taken us with her instead of leaving us with that monster.". He nodded and said "yeah she should have. But you know there is only one person who can answer those questions and that is your mum... If you really want the answers you should try and find her. I'll help if you want me too.". I smiled slightly and said "Thanks Nico but that's the problem. I don't know if I want to know the answeres.". He nodded and said "Alright, what if you go with Zara today and meet her mum and if you then feel like you really want to meet your mum we will try and find her okay?". I nodded and he pulled me closer for a hug, I kissed his cheek and siad "Thank you Nicky. I love you.". I could feel his smile against my neck and he siad "No problem hun. I love you too.". Then we continued to eat our breakfast and then I went upstairs for a shower and a change of clothes.

When I got back downstairs I noticed that Zara and Emma was ready to go so I put my clothes on and said "Shall we go?". Emma nodded and walked pass me out the door, Zara walked over to me and gave me a soft kiss and said "Try to stay calm okay?". I said "I'll try but I can't promise anything.". She nodded and took my hand and we yelled a good bye to Nicky and then we went to Zaras audi and drove off to Jonas. I looked at Emma through the rearviewmirror and siad "You look nervous Emma.". She nodded and said "I am... but I don't know why.", Zara looked at her and said "You have nothing to worry about and you shouldn't care what he ahs to say. He is just an idiot.". I looked at her in a bit of shock and said "You just called someone an idiot.". She laughed and so did Emma and then Zara said "Yeah well.. I suppose that is what he is and I suppose you are not the best influence on me are you.". I smiled and said "Good.", she laughed again and then I parked the car outside Jonas appartment building. We got out of the car and I took Zaras hand and we walked together up to his appartment and knocked on the door. Jonas opened after a while and he actually looked pretty good and for once he didn't smell like booze. He smiled and gave Emma a hug and let us in, we went into the kitchen and sat down at the table and he offered us some coffee which we accepted. Then he said "So what brings you to my door ladies?". And Emma said "Well there is something I have to tell you dad...". He looked curiously at her and I quickly said "And you should really think hard before you react in a bad way becuase I'm not in the best mood.". Zara put her hand on my arm like to tell me to be quiet but I couldn't and Jonas said "What do you mean?". I shook my head and said "Listen to your daughter.". Jonas turned to her and she took a deep breath and said "I'm pregnant dad...". His
expression changed form surprised to angry and he turned to Zara and said "How could you let that happen?!". Before Zara could respond I said "Watch it Jonas! It wasn't her fault and it wasn't Emmas! Things like this happen.". He stared at me and I said "Yeah you can try to say something to me and I will kick your ass.". Zara siad "Madde please.", and Jonas just said "Yeah and I'm supposed to be scared of you?". I raised my eyebrows to test him and said "I can break something on you and then maybe you'll be scared.". Zara sighed and said "Madde and Jonas, please stop.". I sighed but kept looking angry at Jonas and he turned to Emma and said "What the fuck were you thinking!? You're just 15 years old and you can't take care of a baby!". She said "Yes I can and mum was just 15 as well.". He said "Yeah she was, you should make the same mistake as she did!". I quickly stood up and said furiously "She didn't make a mistake Jonas! She got an amazing daughter and so did you! so you should watch your tungoe before you say something you truly will regret!". He stared at me, stood up and sputted with rage "This has nothing to do with you!". I clenched my fist and was just about to smash it into his face when Emma stood up and said loudly "Stop it! Thanks dad for your time but Madde, mum and your mistake for a daughter are going now. Good bye.". He just stared at her and I took Zaras hand, gave jonas an evil eye and followed Emma through the door. When we had gotten out of the appartment building I stopped and took a few deep breaths while Zara talked alittle with Emma about what her dad just said about her being a mistake. Then we got into the car and drove off home.

When we got there Emma went straight to her room where Mattias were. Mean while I took Zaras hand and said "So are we going to see your mum?". She nodded slowly and then said "Yeah just give me a sec.". I told her okay and she went to the bathroom so I seized the moment and called Jensen. He picked up rather quickly and said with a cheerful voice "Hey!", I just smiled and said "Hey you! What's up?". He said "Oh not much you know. Playing with Dennie wihile watching tv. what about you?". I said "Let me guess, she isn't home is she? I'm waiting for Zara.". He sighed and said "No she isn't... she's in town with Sofie. Okay, why?". Once again I felt anger bubble up in me but I tried not to say anything bad about that bitch so I just said "Oh how rare. Well we are going to see her mum...". He said "Yeah, tell me about it... That must be a bit scary.". I said "Yeah it is... I don't know what to do. You know me and parents aren't the best.". He laughed slightly and said "Don't worry about that love. Just listen to Zara and do what she wants you to do.". I nodded and said "Yeah I suppose but still.". He siad "It's going to go well, trust me on this.". I smiled slightly and said "Alright, I'll do that. Thank you Jensen.". He laughed a bit and said "No problem honey, anything for you. So... do you want to come over to night and hang with me and Jared?". I said "Yeah sure babe! That sounds great! wait... is Tove going to be there?". He said "No she's not...", I let out a loud sigh and he just said "Madde please... let's just have a good evening and not care about that okay?". I said through my clenched teeth "Fine... But I can't stand her hurting you all the fucking time!". He said "I know... but please... for me?". I sighed and surendered and said "Alright, for you.", he sounded like he had a smile on his face and he siad "Thank you. I'll see you tonight. Bye.", I said goodbye and hung up just in time for Zara to come back and say "okay so... shall we go?". I nodded and we went back to the car.

We were going to meet her mum at a café not so far from home so we got there pretty quickly. When I had parked the car we walked over to the café and Zara stopped at once and grabed my arm. I looked in the direction that she was looking and saw her mother sitting at a table looking at us. I took Zaras hand and we walked over to her together. We sat down opposite her and Zara didn't let go of my hand for a second. It was a very awkward silence at the table but then her mum said "It's good to see you again.". Zara huffed and I siad "What is it that you want?", it was like her mum just noticed me by then as she looked at me with surpriced eyes and siad "You're Madde aren't you?". I said "Yes, that's me. Back to the question, What do you want?". Then she said "I didn't come here to see you, I came here to see my daughter.". I was starting to get angry again and zara said "She's not going anywhere. If you want to see me you'll have to see my girlfriend as well.". Her mum looked alittle shocked and said "Girlfriend? what happened to Nicky?". I said "He's at home. He's not coming and yes, I'm her girlfriend.". She turned from looking at me to looking at Zara saying "That Nicky bloke was much better for you.". I took a deep breath not to kill her and Zara said "No, Madde is much better for me and what do you know about what is better for me. Now answer Maddes question, what do you want?". She sighed and took a zip of her coffee and said "I wanted to see my only daughter of course.". Then Zara siad "Why? Did you know that my dear stepdad came and visited me last year?". She quickly shook her head and said "No I didn't know that.", But I could tell that she was lying and I said "Yes you did. So if you don't tell us what the fuck you are doing here I'm going to fucking kick your ugly fat arse out of here!". Zara sighed and I knew that she didn't want me to get so worked up about that but I couldn't help it. I mean I have to draw the line somewhere. First I'm angry with Tove and then with Jonas and now with that bitch! I have to get to say some stuff. Anyway the bitch finally said "Yes I knew he was here but... Look honey... I need your help... I need your help to get out of that mans life.". I looked at Zara and I could see a small amount of comapsion in her eyes and I quickly grabbed her arm and forced her to looked at me and I shook my head and siad "No.". She looked back at her mum and said "Why should I help you?". she said "I want out of that relationship! You know what he is capable off!". Zara nodded and said "Yes I do. And so do you.." She swollowed and I could see some tears in her eyes and she said "Please Zara! help your mother! I just need some money to get away from him.". I Sighed and said "You know what, that's enough. Zara we're leaving." Zara looked at me and the stood up and siad "I can't help you. You never helped me. I'm your daughter and you never helped me.". I took her hand and looked at her mum and said "You won't get any money here. You should have thought about this about this about 25 years ago. You hag! Don't ever contact us again.". Then we walked out of the café and left Zaras mum behind us crying.

We walked to the car and I could tell that Zara was pretty down so I gave her a soft hug, stroke her cheek and asked if she was okay. She slowly nodded and said "Yeah, I should have guessed...". I nodded and said "I suppose but I understand that you wanted to believe she wanted something else.". She looked out through the windscreen and said "Yeah well... Let's just go home.". I nodded, started to car and drove off home. We got there even more quickly then we got to the café but it was just because I wanted home so badly and just leave that bitch behind us. I don't get how a mother can behave like that! I mean she only have one daughter that has gone through hell growing up and now she comes and thinks that she can get money from her?! I mean what the fuck is she expecting!? That Zara is just going to hand her a few grand and be like the happy daughter? Why can't she just go to hell and leave Zara alone? Right now I really don't want to meet my mother because what if taht is what she wants from me? Instead of just explaining to me where she has been for the last 20 years or so... But in a way I do want to meet her... Gosh I don't know what to do. I think I'm going to take some time with Nicky and talk about it because he was the one who said that he would help me and I know he will. He would never leave me. Anyway when we were home Zara said that she was going to take a shower and calm down so I agve her a kiss and went into the livingroom where nicky was talking to someone on the phone. He smiled at me and i smiled back and then he said to the person on the other side "A gorgeous woman just walked through the door. God I'm so lucky.". I shook my head and smiled and then nicky said "okay hang on...", then he put it on speaker and I heard Shanes amazing voice say "Hey beautiful!". I smiled and sat down next to Nicky and said "Hey handsome! How are you?". He laughed and said "I'm great but god empty here without you!". I smiled at the fact that he missed me and said "I know... I miss you guys.". Shane said "Yeah, but he next time Nicky can come with too. We miss you over here as well man.". Nicky smiled and patted my thigh and said "Yeah I know, I will definitely come with next time!". I smiled and put my hand over his and said "I will drag him with me if I have to. You can count on me Shay.". Shane laughed and said "Sounds great guys! But hey, I have to go... Nicole wants to go out hand play in the snow.". I smiled and said "Give her a big hug from me will you?", he said that he would and then he said "Love you guys. See ya! Be safe! Bye.". And nicky and I siad "Love you too. Byebye." and then we hung up. I stroke Nickys hand and gave him a soft smile and he pulled his hand away and pulled me closer fora hug. I smiled and played alittle with his hair and he said "i miss ireland.". I hugged him harder and said "I know. We'll go there soon okay?". He nodded against my shoulder and then we broke away from the hug and he siad "So ow did it go with Zaras mum?". I shook my head and said "Not so well.. she just wanted money so we left. If we would have staied much longer i would have kicked her ass.". He smiled and said "You really have to learn how to control your anger baby.". I smiled and said "Well atleast I have a few people that can calm me down.". He tilted his head to the side and looked so cute and said "I hope I'm one of the them.". I smiled and said "Of course you are! One of the biggest.", he smiled and said "Good then I don't have to worry about returning the favour.". I shook my head and said "No you don't.", he gave me a soft amazing smile and then my phone rang and I saw that it was Jensen so I quickly picked up and said "Jensen!". He laughed and said "Hey happy! How are you?". I smiled and siad "I don't really know, I'm pretty good right now because of you, nicky and shane but if you had called me an hour ago I would have said that I wanted to kill someone.". He laughed and said "Well good that I called you now then. I was just going to ask if you wanted to eat here as well? Johan and jared are cooking.". I said "I can't... I should be home as long as possible but I'll be over tonight after dinner, promise.". He said "okay, I understand. But sounds good anyway. I'll see you later then.". I said that it sounded brilliant and then we said goodbye and hung up and Nicky said "Would you like to help me in the kitchen?". I looked at him like he was out of his mind and then he laughed and siad "Okay with help I mean accompany me in the kitchen?". I smiled and said "I would love to!". He laughed and together we walked to the kitchen to start with dinner.

After dinner I gave Zara a kiss and went to Alexanderssons to spend my evening with Jensen adn Jared. When I got there I noticed a car on the drive way that I didn't recognize so I just guessed that someone had a visitor. Little did I know that the visitor was in Jensens and toves bedroom when I walked in. I stopped in the doorway and saw Sofie talking to Jensen who gave me a huge smile when he saw me and walked over to me and gave me a hug. I hugged him back and said "Hey handsome.". He smiled and said "Hey love.", I turned to Sofie and said "Hi.". She gave me a smile and said "Hi Madde.". Then she turned to Jensen and said "So how was your cozy evening the other day then? I bet it was nice to have Tove home and for yourself now when you're finally home from the hospital.". Jensen looked at her confused and I said "The other day? As in Tuesday night?". She nodded and Jensen said "but she was out with you then...", I nodded and said "Yeah she even wrote about it in the blog. She was hanging with you and some guys named Adam and Max i think...". She shook her head and said "No, I didn't feel so good that night so I just wanted to stay home and she said that it was just as well because she wanted to stay home with you.". Jensen said quietly "She wasn't... she laid to me.". I got more and more angry and said between my clenched teeth "Where is she?!". Sofie shrugged and said "I don't know. I though she was going to be home tonight as well.". I looked at Jensen who looked so sad and I said "Jensen... what did she say to you?". He said "she didn't say anything. I've barely seen her today...". Then Dennie started to cry so Jensen went to get her and I got more and more angry and I said under my breath "I'm going to fucking kill that fucking bitch!!". I doubt that Jensen heard me because he didn't say anything but Sofie gave me a mad look and I just said "What?!". She put her hadns up in the air as if to show me that she wasn't challaging me and I said "You can leave... and if you see Tove. Tell her that she is a dead bitch!". She said "You can tell her yourself when you see her.". I snapped "I don't want to see her! But if I do! You won't.". She shook her head and said something I didn't hear and I don't really care what she has to say either and then she said goodbye to jensen adn left. I sat down on the bed with a sigh and tried to calm down. After a while I looked up and saw Jensen standing by dennies crib with his back towards me and I could tell that he was sad so I got up and put my hand on his arm and turned him around. He looked into my eyes and said "Why did she lie?". I just shook my head and pulled him in for a hug and I think we stood like that for a good few minutes. When we let go I stroke his cheek and siad "Do you want to talk about it?". He shook his head and I said "Then I fix a movie that we can watch and then we just watch that. Okay?". He nodded and laid down on the bed and I put on a good movie and laid down next to him. After about 40 minutes into the movie he said "What should I do?". I said "I don't know... She isn't herself. Jensen... you should think about yourself for once. and your daughter.". He nodded and said "Will you be there for me... Help me?". I took his hand and said "Of course. What do you want to do?". He said "I don't know... I'll try to talk to her but if I can't... I don't know.". I squeezed his hand and said "I'll help you. If you need to talk to someone I'm here for you. Always.". He nodded and looked into my eyes and said "Thank you Madde.". I gave him a soft smile and siad "Of course handsome. You're my friend, I don't leave my friends.". He smiled back slightly and pulled me closer and we continued to watch the movie. After a few hourse Zara called me and asked if I could come home and I asked if it was okay for Jensen if I left and he said so but I told him to call me if he needed to talk and he promised so I went home.

So now I'm here. angry as hell and I just hope Jensen will think about himself here and not that bitch!

Anyway you'll her from that lying skank tomorrow.

Take care
Love
Madde

Friends all around

2010-01-27T14:33:00.000-08:00

Hey Guys!
I hope you have had a great day?
Well what can I say.. Madde still has that insane thought in her head that I'm a bitch or whatever, i try to to care what she thinks but i mean she have turned our whole family on her side even Jensen so it's hard not to.. maybe I should tell you guys about mine and Sofies night out yesterday instead.

Let's start from the begning, when I had choose what to wear I went over to Sofies place to get ready, and we drank a few breezers to get into the mood and changed clothes. When we was done we said goodbye to Jim and Alvin and Oliver came running towards sofie and gave her a big hug and said they would miss then, so cute. Then we took a cab and on the way there Sofie looked at me seriously and said " Tove what's wrong? Something is bothering you.. " I shrugged and said " I shouldn't care.. just being silly. " She took my hand and said " Tell me. " I sign and said " Well Madde told or wrote on our blog that I was a bad mother and that kind of hit a weak spot.. " she said " She dosn't know what she is talking about, you are an amazing mom don't think anything else. I don't know Madde so I can't say anything about her but I know you, and you are an amazing women, so wonderful and a mother too. " I nooded slightly and said " Yeah.. well let's forget about this and have fun okay? " I looked at her and smiled and she smiled back. When we got to the club we went straight to the bar and that cute bartender said we didn't have to pay so we thanked him and sat down in a sofa and started to talk and drink. Then two handsome men showed up and asked if they could buy us a drink, and we smiled. They came back with two drinks and sat down next to us and started to talk with us and they where really nice. After alot of drinks, beers and laughther all four of us went up on the dancefloor, the guy that was mostly dancing with me was Adam and Sofies guy was Max. We had alot of fun on the dancefloor, and after a while Adam pulled me closer with the help of his hand he placed on my back and he said into my ear " You have like the most gorgeous eyes and your hair is so beautiful, you are so beautiful. " I laughed and said " You are not getting any if that what you think. " He smiled and said " I mean it you are gorgeous with or without anything else. " I smiled and said " Thanks. " He smiled and said " You want to get something to drink? " I nodded and we went to the bar and order a few drinks and sat down in a other sofa. He said " You have a boyfreind? " I said " Yes, or I'm married." he said " You married young.." I said " I'm not that young, how old do you think I'm? " he laughed and said " This is a dangours game. " I laughed and said " Tell me, what is the worse thing that can happend? That I walk away? which probably won't happend for this anyway. " He laughed and said " Yeah that would be horrible.. but fine.. maybe 23? " I smiled and said " 25.." He said " Not that bad guess. so how old do I look? " I looked at him and thought for a while and said " 27 I would guess? " he smiled and said " Thank you, I'm 31. " I said " You don't look 31 trust me" He smiled said " You are sweet. " I said " So do you have a girlfreind? " he shook his head and said " No we broke up for two weeks ago. " I said " I'm sorry to hear that.. " He smiled and said " It's okay it was for the best. " I nodded and we order a few more drinks and he said " Woman you can drink!" I laughed and said " Why so suprsied? " He laughed and said " You don't look like that, sorry. " I just laughed and took a zip and we countinud talking. After a while Sofie and Max came and sat down with us and the guys went to buy some more drinks. They came back and gave us one drink each and sat down and Sofie looked at me and said " How much have you been drinking? " I said " I'm not that drunk. You and me are just as drunk. " She said " Yeah but you have had like 8 more drinks then me...think about your liver.. " I sign and said " Not you too.. you shouldn't be drink either you know. " She said " I still haven't been drinking as much as you.. " I just ignored her and countinue talking to the guys. When the time was about 5 in the morning and lot of more drinks and dancing the club was closing. Both me and Sofie was pretty drunk and we had meet a lot of nice people but we have mostly just been haning out with Adam and Max, we went outisde in the cold winter night and me and Sofie was like freezing to death since we just was wearing a dress and a small jacket. But they guys quick got a cab and asked if we wanted to share and we looked at ecah other and nodded. We all sat down in the backsit since it was big cab, and Max looked at us and said " So you guys want to go to my place to have a after party with us?" I looked at Sofie and she meet my eyes and we both burst out laughing. When we finally had calmed down I said " Sorry guys we need to get home. " They nodded and Adam took a piece from his jacket pocket and wroth something on it and gave it to me and it was both there numbers. They Sofie looked at me and said " Are you going home? " I said "I rather sleep at your place." She giggled and nodded then it was our time to get out of the cab, so we said goodbye to the guys and gave them a hug and said it was nice to meet them and closed the taxi door behind us.

We tried to be as quiet as possible when we unlocked the door but it didn't do go well for so long to be quite because I hit my toe on the thershold and I said "Aw" and then both of us started to laugh and then Sofie looked at me and said really load" Shhh!" then we brust out laughing again and went into the livingroom where we got undressed and lied down in the sofa. it was alittle tight but we both feel sleep.
We up from the kids running into the livingroom and started to talk to us and we just sign and pulled the blanket over our heads. But Oliver pulled it off and started to talk to us again and I sat up and picked my phone up to look what time it was and it was allredy 11. I looked at Alvin and said " you guys sleeped long this morning. " Oliver said " Dad let us be up late to watch a movie. " I nodded and put my dress on that i had been wearing last night and went into the kitchen where Jim was and he said good morning and i answerd back and took a cup of coffee. Then my phone rang and I looked at the display where it stood" My sweetheart" I answer " Hey Jensen.." He said " You sound good...maybe you should start taking it a little easy. " I sign and said " I'm just tired.. whats up? " He said" I was expecting you last night.. where are you? " I said " Sorry..I'm at Sofies.. be home in a hour.." He said " Should you be driving? " I said " probably not.. but i take it easy on my way home. " Then Jim said " I can drive you. " I looked at him and said "Are you sure? " He smiled and nodded and I said to Jensen" Jim can drive me, see you soon." he said " Good, love you, bye. " I said good bye and hang up and walked into the livingroom and said goodbye to Sofie and the kids and me and Jim went to his car.

When he dropped me off at home he looked at the house and said " It's huge and amazing!" I smiled slightly and said " Thanks and thanks for the ride." We said bye and I went inside and Ebba came running to say hello, i patted her head and I went upstairs into mine and Jensens room. No one was in there so hit the shower and then I got dressed, and when i walked out from the wardrobe the door opend and in walked Jensen with Dennie in his arms. He sat down on the bed and I walked over to them and stroke Dennies head and Jensen looked at me and said “ Did you have a good time last night?” I nodded and said”Yes… what about you and.. Madde then?” He smiled slightly and said “ Yes we had a great time..” I sign and said” I bet you did. “ Jensen said” What do you mean with that?” I said” Well you too hang out much this days.. “ He said “ Well she is one of my closest friends. And you are never home..” I sign and said” Just becaue I have been haning with Sofie a few hours doesn’t mean I’m never home!” He said” Tove calm down.. please can we talk without yealling?” I sign and sat down in the sofa and Jensen said” Tove sweety you have had a hard 12 months, first cancer, then about this with you and Madde, about kidnapped and raped, to everything with Eddie, well that with me and..Madde, the car crash, your mm getting shoot, Sofie that is dying, me getting sick.. so it’s okay if you feel sad or angry or whatever feeling you feel.. but maybe all that got to much for you and that is normal after everything.. so maybe you should talk to someone..” I said” Jensen what are you saying?” He said carefully “ Maybe you are depressed.. and it’s nothing wrong with that it’s a sickness don’t feel embarssed..” I could feel how angry I got inside and I stood up and said angry and hurt” Thanks Jensen.. I’m going to Zara. And right your new blonde wife told me that I’m a bad mother to do you are agree?” He said” She didn’t have to say that.. “ I said “ Jensen you didn’t answer my question?!” He said” No Tove you are not a bad mother just a mother that have a lot think about and need to fix everything that’s going on now.. and wife?” I said”Whatever..bye. “

When I got to Zara and Nickys house, I fast knocked on the door and opened andI heard Zara in the kitchen saying come in. I got undressed and walked into the kitchen she smiled when she saw me and gave me a big hug and I hugged her back and said “ Good to see you again sweety. Did you have a good time in Paris and Sligo?” She smiled and said” It was great, felt really good to model a little. But I feel guilty that Madde proably didn’t have such a good time though.. and sligo was amazing. “ I smiled and nooded and looked at her and said “ You look good today, okay you always dose. I like you hat.” She was wearing a michel Jackson kind of hat and a white t-shirt and black jeans and a lot of accerios. “ She smiled and said “ Thanks, I feelt to do the rocky kind of stile today.” I nodded and she said” I was actually on my way out to go to Antons grave. “ I said” That’s okay, we can talk later.” She smiled and said” Why don’t you come with me?” I said” Are you sure?” she nooded so we got dressed and went outside to Zaras car and drove off. When we got to the cemetery we walked in the snow towards his grave and Zara said” I thought about going to you guys later to wallpaper Majas walls. “ I smiled and said” She would love that. “ Then we saw the grave and there was three guys standing infont of it and I looked at Zara when she said to the boys” Hey guys. Long time ago I saw you all. “ They turn around and looked at her and smiled slightly and one of the guys said” Well who’s fauilt is that?” Zara laughed and said” My fault? Why is that Oskar?”He shugged and laughed and said” because its you. “ Zara walked over to them and put her around the guy oskars shoulders and kissed his head and she looked at all of them and said” You guys are so sweet for being here visiting Anton now and then. I’m sure it means a lot to him.. and it means a lot to me. “ They smiled and another guy said” Well he was our best friend..” zara said” I know.. right this is Tove my sister, this is Antons friends, Oskar, Jens and Robin. “ We said hi and Zara touched the stone and said” Hey baby, so nice of your friends to come by right?” she put new flowers there and then we stood there a while and Zara looked at me and said “ Shall we go? It’s so cold. “ I said” We go when you are ready. “ She kissed the stone and said” I love you Anton and I see you soon again. Bye. “ I said bye too and so did the guys and we all started to walked away from there, and Zara looked at the guys and said” How are you getting home?” Jens said” Walking.. “ she said” You want a ride?” They smiled and nodded and we all got into the car and Robin said" You can just drop us off home at your place we can walk for there it's not so long" Zara said" Are you sure? because i don't mind dropping you all off." they all said" Yes" Zara parked the car inside of the garage after a fun drive home with alot of tal and we all went out. Zara looked at the boys and said" You guys want to come inside for some pie?I baked this morning." I looked at her and said" two times in like one week or so.. i think Mattias was right that you are trying to impress him." She laughed and said" That is just silly. So boys?" They smiled and said" Sure." we went inside and I helped Zara made some coffee and soda and then we sat down at the table. We all talked for a while and I said" So how old was you guys when you meet Anton?" Oskar said" we where 2 i think." I smiled and said" That is sweet." Zara said " So how's school?" Jens said " Boring like always.. "We laughed and zara said" So do you guys have nay girlfreinds yet?" Oskar said" No not right now.. but we heard you do." zara laughed and said" maybe I do." Speaking of the devil the front door open up and inside walked Madde, zara smiled and said " And here she is." She intoduce them to each other. Madde gave me a fast glare with alot of hate in her eyes and then she walked over to Zara and said" I missed you." zara smiled and said " I have missed you too..what are you doing home i thought you was going to hang with Jared all day." She said" Just home getting somethig is going now again. " Zara nooded and Madde gave her a long kiss and then stroke her cheek and said goodbye and left. We talked for a while longer and then Jens, Robin and Oskar need to get home we followed them into the hallway and Zara gave them all a hug and said" Like i said it means alot that you still visit Anton..and care and all three of you are amazing young men. And you should come and visit more often just drop by likeyou did the last time for a few months ago okay deal?" They smiled and said " deal. " Zara said " Good I love you guys you know that." They smiled and nodded and said goodbye and left.

Then zara said" maybe we should go to your house so i can start with Majas room i was thinkingabout getting done tonight even thought it will be late." I smiled and said" let's go."On the way to there in the car Zara said" Thanks for talking to my kids this last days, i think they needed that.. " I smiled and said" Don't worry about it, I had a good time to and they are amazing. Have Emma told you that she wants to go and talk to Jonas and that she want you to come and Madde?" Zara nodded and said" She have.. we are going tomorrow or at least me and Emma, but i doubt Madde will let me go alone... because he will be a bit angry with me for some weird reason." I said" Good and you know he is a dick so don't care what he say." Then we was at home and she parked the car and we went inside and we heard voices from the kitchen, there was mom,Johan and Maja. Zara walked over to Maja and gave her a hug and said" So good to see you here again." Maja smiled and said" Good to be here again." Zara also gave mom and Johan a hug and we talked alittke about the trip and then Zara looked at Maja and said" I thought we should start with your room now, if you want?" Maja smiled with her whole face and said " yes!" We laughed a little and went upstairs where we meet Jensen, he looked at me and said" Tove please can I talk to you?" I looked at him angry and said" Well maybe i'm to much of a pshyco to talk to you." i could feel that Zara and Maja was looking at me but i just walked into Majas room and they followed me and Zara closed the door behind her and said" Tove.. is everything okay between you and Jensen?" I said"Maybe you should ask your girlfriend that instead she thinks she knows everything!" Zara said" Tove don't talk bad about her, okay?" I took a deep breath and said" I'm sorry, that was wrong. " She said" So about you and Jensen?" I shugged and said" I don't know.." She nodded and we didn't say so much for a few minuts while Zara started to put wallpapers up and me and Maja sat there watching her. Then Maja said" Are you two...good.. kissers?" both me and Zara looked at her and I said" Who are you planing to kiss?" Maja blused a little and looked down and I smiled and said" Edwin?" She nodded shy and I said" Well Zara are you a good kisser?" She laughed and said" I don't know, i haven't kissed myself." I said" Well what I have heard and read on our blogg according to Madde you are good." She laughed and said" Just good? " I laughed and so did Maja then Zara said" just kidding i can be happy with good." I said" You maybe better i don't know.." Zara laughed and said" What about you?" I shugged and said" I don't know or people have told me i was good but i have no idea." we all laughed then Zara looked at Maja and said" Your first kiss?" She nodded shy and said" I know i'm old to have my first kiss..and I don't know if he even wants to kiss me..people dosn't even know who I'm in school.. the only rumor i knewn for is dropping a tray with food at our teacher and everyone laughed.." Zara walked over to us and took Majas hand and said" It's better to now have a rumor at all then have the rumor i had in school trust me.. " Maja said" What did het call you?" Zara said" I was the schools biggest whore and that rumore lived with me for a long time and it didn't help that o go pregnant...okay fine it wasn't maybe just a rumor... but still not so fun.." Maja said" I'm sorry.." Zara said" It's okay, but remeber it's nothing wrong to haven't had your first kiss yet you are just 11 years old, you have many years to kiss boys and be an adult try to be a kid aslong as you can. And if Edwin dosn't want to kiss you then that is to bad for him there is other guys out there, thay will see what a amazing girl you are and will love you for that. You deserve the best okay?" Maja smiled and gave Zara a hug and said" Okay, and you are not a whore you are amazing." Zara kissed her cheek and let go to countinue with Majas room. I said" So how was it to model again?" She smiled and said" It was amazing!! I had almsot forgot why i did i but now i remebere its like a drug for me." I smiled and said" I'm glad, so you don't regret you started so young?" She said" Both yes and no.. i maybe wasn't ready for it but at the sametime i learn so much from it and grow up." I said" If one of your kids would come and say she waned to be a model would you let them?" She fast said"No! you know my first agency here in sweden that I had. Last time I saw them maybe a year ago they asked if maybe Kim was intrested to become a model since they loved her look and since she lookes alot like me.. but I said no." Maja said" Why?" she said" Well that world isn't as glamorous as it seems.. its acually the oppsite..okay fine evryday you get make up on and you got to wear amazing things but also everyday you get to hear what is wrong with you, big hips, big ass to long arms, to short neck or you are to skinny or to fat...and they tell you to your face while you work so you need to forget about that and continue anyway..and remebere how beautiful you are. And at night like 6 out of 7 days we where out at some club parting even though I wasn't 18 and I meet a lot of guys that was alot older then me and i often follwed them home..and I had alot to drink too, alcohole is like water for me. So i would never let my daughther do that.. never.." I looked at her and said" Is?" She looked away and said" Was... i mean.. " I nodded and said" Good.. what did Kim say about you saying no?" Zara said " She dosn't want to either which makes me happy." I nodded. Then Maja said" Madde showed me her tattoo this morning is amazing!" Zara smiled and said" I know, i love it too" I said" You don't mind that's about Nicky?" she said" No not at all.. if it wasn't for him she would been her now.. and I don't know what i had done then.. I's hard to even think about it.. she is my soul, heart and life. If it even was words to tell her how much i love her." I smiled and said" You are cute." She smiled and maja looked at zara and said" You have tattos right?" zara nodded and Maja said" Don't want anymore?" Zara said"No! I have enough.. i regreat that I have them even.. " Maja said " How many do you have?" Zara sign and said"3.." I said" 3? I thought you just had two.. that bigger one on your back and the other on your hip.. where is the third one?" Zara laughed and said" where do you think?" I said" on your ass or front side?" zara laughed and said" if you don't know i won't tell you. You have seen me naked Tove." I said " I knod but's not like I'm looking that closely maybe i should start." she laughed and Maja said" I bet your girlfreind loves it." both me and zara looked at her and laughed and Zara said" She hasn't compline anyway.." We laughed again and Zara said " I'm not the only one having a tattoo in a weurd place.. " She looked at me and I just sign and said" I know.. I want to remove it.. " they just laughed and then Maja said" I love my room allreday.. feel so good to say my room in this house.. at dads i just had a bed.." I stroke her cheek and said" This is your room and your home, okay?" Maja nodded carefully and said" You guys gives me too much... it feels like i should pay and help out more.. you have lived her your whole life it's your family for real.. i'm new that is destroying for everyone.." I was just about to say something when Zara stoped with what she was doing and said" I now it's hard to starta a new life in a new family.. You have also just known us for a few months and I had been freinds with Sara for years but still it was diffrent to be a part of this family.. I was both happy and scared at the same time even thought i knew i could trust them... I was alot like you acutally when i moved here I was a few years younger then you but I was really shy, didn't want anyone to notice me, and i was scared and confused. I mean even thought I knew Kristina I had never seen her angry or okay maybe I had but not at me or disappointed and every other feelings.. i was waing on her to hit me when I did something wrong like broke something.. but she never did instead she told me it was okay and she helped me clean it up.. I will always have my passed that is noting that will never go away but it made me, me and an stroger person. But what I can change is my futher and how I want it to be and without this family I would never been abel to do it.. I would have lived on the streets, it took a while for me to get into this how this family works, rules, that hiting isn't a soultion and that they never would hurt me physically whatever I would do. You will learn that too it just takes time, while you are getting use to this and don't hurry let it take the time you need, but remebere we all love you and are hear for you whatever it is and would never hurt you. You are a beautful girl Maja from the inside out one day i hope you see that. " Maja smiled slightly and said" Thanks.. " Zara gave her a hug and Maja said" Do you still love your parents?" She said" No.. i maybe not hate them either I'm really naive so i can't hate people.. but no i don't love them.. and i haven't forgiven then either and I can't.." Maja nodded and Zara said" Maja if you ever want to talk about this I'm here and so is Madde she understand you too in someways since it feels diffrent for everyone." Maja said" Thanks.. I know. " I looked at Zara and said" Have you decied about that letter from your mom.. do you want to see her?" Zara sign and said" I have decied and I want to see her.. my curiosity is taking over my mind. but how much she have changed i don't care I won't forgive her, I can't she knew her husband was raping me everyday sometimes twice a day in the room next to her and she didn't do anything she just told me to do it.. and then she hit me rest of the day.. and to be honest I have a feeling she want money.. I want to see her I'm thinking about doing that tomorrow to.. to get this done and the same with jonas for Emmas sake.. but that won't take long.. "I said" You know Madde get hurt and disappointed at Nicky the other day has she told you?" She shook her head and I said" That he rected to that letter the way he did since you are her girlfreind, she wants to take care of you. so I doubt you will be going alone to see your mom tomorrow. " Zara smiled and looked so happy and said" She did? Really? aww she is so amazing so sweet of her." I smiled and said" Glad you think so." she smiled and said" I will never get done with this room if we talk like this.. " We laughed and I said to Zara " If you couldn't work as a model or like a singer what would you do?" She thougt for a few seconds and said" I would be a desinger or a decorater." I smiled and said" That was i thought." She smiled and said" If you wasnt going to be a doctor then?" I said" I think a vet." I looked at Maja and said" What do you want to work with?" she shugged and I said" If you could be anything in this world?" She said shy" I would like to be a... singer." Zara smiled and said" You sing?" she said" I'm not that good... " Zara said" Do you want to sing for us?" She fast shook her head and Zara said" If I do it with you then? Please?" Maja said" no you are to good.." i said" If I do it then, you can't be worse then me... I promise." She looked at me and I smiled and she nodded and we decied the song Bed of roses. I think I was just as nervious as she was and we started to sing and Maja was really really good. When the song was over Zara smiled and said" Maja you are amazing! I think you can be something if you practice.. i would love to help if you want?" She smiled and gave Zara a big hug. Then Johan called it was Dinner so we went downstairs.
There was the whole family even Madde. Zara looked really happy to see her and ran over to her and throw her arms around her neck and Madde laughed and said" Something wrong?" Zara kissed her and said" No I just have the most amazing girlfreind in this world." They kissed again then we all sat down to eat. Jensen just tried to make eye contact with me but I was to disappointed at him for that..but then my phone rang so I walked away from the table to pick up and it was Henrik, I smiled and said hello, he sounded happy and said" Hey beautiful. How are you?" I smiled and said" I'm okay, you?" he said" I'm just great, i thought if you didn't have any plans for tonight maybe come over for a while and take a drink and talk? was so long ago we just hang out." I said" I would love too! Be there in one hour or two?" He said" Sound great, see you then. Bye." I smiled and said"bye" Then I went back to the table and countnue eating, then I went upstairs to get ready and i thougt I should blogg since i proably will get home pretty late.

Well so here I'm and I have to wrap this up now so I can go and meet my amazing friend.

I hope you guys will have an amazing night too.
And tomorrow you will her from .. Madde and how it went at Jonas place and with Zaras mom.. I just hope Madde will be abel to calm down and not hit anyone...
Anyway now I have to run, see ya!
Kisses Tove

Home again

2010-01-26T14:57:00.000-08:00

Hey you everyone!

Well... I suppose I can begin with saying that I'm home in sweden now... I don't really know how to explain the feeling because it's both good and bad. I allready miss Shane and the rest so much, but espcially Shane but at the same time it's good to be home and hang out with my friends, see nicky again and talk to jensen face to face. Oh and does anyone understand what Tove is talking about? That I talk Jensen into stuff like the fact that she is behaving like a bitch and that he has to call me to have someone to talk to :S I don't get it, what the fuck is her problem?! She has the most amazing man at home but still she spends no time with him, and the fact that she has been so fucking close to losing him doesn't seem to bother her anymore. I really don't understand her problem I just hope that she will figure it out and stop and that is soon because Jensen is one of my closest friends and I stand by what i have said before, i will kill her if she hurts him again and Tove, you are hurting Jensen. Maybe you should try to spend time and talk to your husband instead of hanging out with other people all the time. I mean nicky?! You don't even like nicky, you can barely stand him and you don't have to because you and I aren't friends anymore so I don't care if you hate nicky. But you have to spend time with Jensen. Anyway... before I get to angry and my inlay end up being a hate massage to Tove I should change subject and talk about my day today.

So when I woke up this morning I woke up way earlier than my gorgeous woman and I didn't want to wake her up so I put on a top and a pair of black knickers and walked out of the room. I headed downstairs and heard the tv on in the livingroom and got quite surprised that someone was up. So I walked in and there was Shane sitting on the sofa watching sports. I smiled at him and he smiled back and said "Up so early?", I nodded and walked over to him, sat down next to him and he put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer. I pulled my legs up and rested my head against his side and he put his head on mine and I felt his fingers genlty brush against my arm, up and down. I smiled and snuggeled closer to him and he whispered "You're cuddely today.". I nodded and said "I love you Shane.", he kissed my forehead and said "I love you too darling.". I smiled but then my smile just vanished and I said "I don't want to go home...". He stopped strokeing my arm and pushed me up a little so he got a good look at me and said "Why not?". I said "When I'm finally here... things are crappy at home and something always happens... here it's just... amazing. And yu aren't there.". He gave me a soft smile and siad "What is it that's crappy at home now then? Yeah I'm here but I'm always with you as well. You can call me whenever you want to.". I said "Tove's being a bitch towards Jensen... I know you are and I know I can but I can't hug you or cry against your shoulder if i ahve to..". He stroke my cheek and said "Well about tove and jensen, I don't think that anyone of us can do anything about that but you can atleast be by Jensens side. I promise you that I will try to come and visit more often and if you really need me just call and either I will come to you or you can come to me.". I smiled and said "I'm always there for Jensen. Thank you, you have no idea how much you mean to me Shane. You really are an amazing friend and thank you for everything you've done for me this past year. There aren't words for how much it's mean to me that you've been there.". he cupped his hands around my cheeks and pressed his soft lips against my forehead and said "My pleasure. I love you and you mean a lot to me as well so I'll do anything I can to help you in anyway possible.". I smiled and cuddled closer to him again and wrapped my arms around his body and he did the same to me and then we just sat there watching tv in each others arms. Apparently we fell asleep because when we woke up it was really bright outside and nicole was standing next to the sofa looking at me and Shane. That was when I noticed that we had laid down because I was lying ontop of him with my head on his chest and he was still sleeping because he ahd that slow, relaxed and safe way of breathing and I heard his golden heart beat inside his chest and it made me smile at once. I carefully tilted my head up and looked at him and gently toched his cheek and said "Shane... wake up babe.". He made a displeased sound but the he opened his eyes and looked into my eyes and smiled and i said "Good morning pillow.". He laughed and said "Good morning beautiful", then we sat up and Nicole sat down next to shane and said "why are you two sleeping here?". Shane said "Well I couldn't sleep so I went down here in the middle of the night to watch tv and then Madde came down here around 5 for some reason and then we fell asleep.". She nodded and said "I'm hungry.", I laughed but then my stomach began to complain and i grumpled and said "So am I.". We looked pleading at Shane and he laughed and took our hands and said "let's go and get these beautiful princesses some breakfast.". nicole and I laughed and walked with Shane to the kitchen and made some breakfast.

After breakfast we were finally accomapnied by our beautiful women. I smiled when I saw Zara nad she walked over to me and pressed her soft gentle lips against mine and siad "Good morning babe.". i stroke her cheek and said "Good mroning angel.", and then Gillian said "So when are you guys going home then?". I sighed and said "In just a few hours...", Shane stroke my arm and gave me a sweet look and Gillian said "You don't want to go home do you?". I shrugged and said "I don't rellay know. I mean I really miss everyone at home but it's so amazing to be back here and to be here and not be sad all the time.". She nodded and said "But you can always come back whenever you want. This door is always open for you.". I smiled and got up adn gave her a hug and said "Thank you Gill. You've been an amazing friend and I love you.". She smiled and said "I love you too Madde.". I turned to Zara and said "well, you eat some breakfast and I'll go and pack my stuff okay?". She nodded and I headed upstairs and began to pack my stuff. All of the sudden the phone rang so I picked it up and Jared said "Hey Madde!". I smiled and sat down on the bed and said "Hi handsome. How are you?". He siad "Just fine thanks, how are you?". I sighed and said "I don't know... I want to stay here but at the same time go home... Eh whatever, I ahve to go home anyway. By the way, how's Jensen?". He said "oh I see, well know that we all miss you. Well he is fine I think but a little down... He and Tove are like fighting or something..". I clenched my teeth and said "I miss you guys too. Now I really want to go home so I can see Jensen and talk to him.". He siad "Yeah? You know, he misses you like crazy.". I smiled and sadi "I miss him too.. I just don't get what Tove is thinking with.". He said "what do you mean?", I knew that if I was going to talk to Jared about this I had to make myself more comfortable so I put the suitcase down on the floor and laid down on the bed and said "Well... haven't you noticed that she's never home with Jensen and Dennie? She's just out partying with Sofie...". He said "Yeah I have noticed that.. I just haven't talked to Jensen about it... Maybe I should.". I said "I think it's okay Jare... I've talked to him but he might need his best friend as well. And tove is acting really wierd when it comes to my phone calls with ´Jensen... She says that we are all cozy and stuff. I have no idea what she is talking about.". He said "She said that? I don't get what she is up to lately... Like the whole family has noticed that she is gone all the time and it's pretty annoying to wake up everynight when she comes home drunk.". I said "she wakes you up to?!" he said "Well she isn't exacly quiet... she could wake the dead.". I felt more and more anger build up in me and I said "What the fuck is her problem?! I mean fine that she wakes you up or someone else in the family but she wakes Jensen up. The person who really needs his sleep now so he doesn't get sick again and has to go back to the hospital.". He said "Yeah I know, I totally agree with you, I understand that she wants to spend time with sofie now but she has to spend some time with Jensen as well..". I sighed and nodded and said "I know but she doesn't listen to that... Anyway, will you take care of jensen until i come home?". He said "Of course I will.", I smiled and said "Thanks Jare, then I know he is in good hands. I ahve to go now... have to pack and hang alittle with the people over here. See you later.". He said "Yep he is! Okay you do that, see ya!". Then we said goodbye and hung up and I continued packing. But it's hard to consentrate of what you are doing when you are angry so I had to put on the radio and try to calm down. I don't get what toves problem is!!! Okay fine, not going to start up with that subject again.

After about one and a half hours I was done packing so I went downstairs and saw that Kian and Mark was over. I gave them both a big hug and Kian said "So now you are leaving us again?!". I made a sad face and nodded and said "Yes... sorry Ki.". He smiled and said "That's okay, you can come and see us again soon.". I gave him a happy smile and said "Yeah that would be brillinat!". Then I turned to Zara and said "Honey aren't you going to go and pack your stuff so that we can bring everything home with us?". She sighed and said "Yeah I suppose I should do that..." then she turned to Kian and said "Is't Jodi at home?". He shook his head and said "No, she went to London this morning. Thought she told you.". She said "Oh yeah that's right! Something with Wonderland right?". He smiled and nodded and he looked so proud. I just smiled and then Shane said "What do you guys say about taking a walk? Who's with me?". I smiled and said that I would love to join him and Mark and Kian said the same but Gillian and Zara said they had to saty home and fix some stuff so Shane, Kian, Mark and I got dressed and went out if the cold winters day. It's so beautiful here in the winter, I have to say that it's almost as beautiful now as it is in the summer. It's just white as far as the eye can see and the snow glittered in the sunlight that was warming our skin. My heart just rushed and i got a goofy smile on my lips and I felt so happy in a way and Shane just looked at me, laughed and said "What's up Madde? You look like a dog who just fetched a stick.". I laughed and picked up a stick that was lying on the ground and the lads just laughed at me and I said "It's just so beautiful here and I'm here with you and with zara and life is just great as long as I don't have to think about home.". They nodded and after a while we reached a fallen tree that we were suppose to climb over. Shane went first and that went so smooth, then it was my turn and it was a bit tricky because it was such a big tree but I got over safe and sound. Then Kian was going to go over and he had complaied at me and Shane for getting over so slow so he put his foot on the tree and was just about to push off from it so he would land on the same side as us. But then his foot slipped on the tree and he fell face first down in the soft cold snow. Shane, Mark and I was like dying from laughter. i sank down in the snow and laughed until tears were pouring down my cheeks and I had to calm down so I wouldn't die. Kian just stared at us and said that we were mean which just made us laugh even harder. I continued to laugh but stood up and walked over to him and took his hadn and said "are you okay?". He nodded and I brushed away some snow from his shoulder and put my arms around his waist and agve him a hug. He softened and hugged me back and I said "I love you Kian, you are amazing and so funny.". He let out a little laugh and said "I love you too darling, you are the one who's amazing but thanks for thinking that I'm amazing.". I smiled and looked up at him and gave him a quick peck on the cheek and then we continued our walk without anymore mishaps.

When we came back it was time to say goodbye to everyone so I gave Mark, kian and Gillian a big hug and a kiss on the cheek and then Nicole and patrick came running down the stairs screaming "Madde!!!!". I smiled and squated down and they ran straight into my arms and I hugged them and nicole said "Please don't leave! I missed you!". I kissed her cheek and said "I missed you too Nic, but I have to go home... I'm sorry. But i will come back as soon as I can and you know you can call me whenever you want.". She smiled and kissed my cheek and siad "I love you Madde!". I smiled and said "I love you too little angel.", then I turned to Patrick and picked him up and said "and you, you little monster, I love you as well!". He laughed as I kissed him all over the face and then he siad "I love you too Madde.". I smiled and said "You take care of your brother and sister now yeah?". he nodded and I put him down and siad "Well then... I suppose it's time to go... is everything in the chopper?". Shane nodded and then we said goodbye and got into the chopper and I held both Shane's and Zara's hands all the way to dublin airport. Shane helped us with the bags to our gate and then I turned to him and buried my face in his chest. He pulled me close and pressed his lips against my hair and breathed "I'll miss you.". I said "I'll miss you too shane. Love you so much.". He looked me in the eyes and said "I love you too madde. Remember, if you ever need to talk, I'm here for you.". I nodded and he gave me a kiss on the cheek and then he gave Zara a hug and then he were off and so were we. The flight went by pretty well... Not so bumpy but still scary...

When we finally landed I got out of the plane as fast as I could and I had to wait outside for Zara who isn't the fastest person in the world, but I love her anyway. When she finally got out I agve her a kiss, took her hand and we walked into the airport and waited for our bags. Thankfully it didn't take so long for our bags to come so we quickly grabed them and made our way towards the exit. When we got there we heard a boyish voice yell "mammy!!", and then David came running towards us and flew into Zaras arms. I smiled and then I saw Nicky who just had a big smile on his face and I quickly walked over to him, dropped my bag and wrapped my arms around him. He let out a happy laugh and squeezed me tight and I just laughed along with him. God, I never thought it would be so good to see him again. I kissed his cheek and asked "How are you?". He smiled and brushed some hair away from my face and said "Now I'm great! howare you? How was the flight?". I smiled a big goofy smile and said "I'm great too! Well, it was okay but you know me... not such a big fan of flying.". He laughed and said "i know sweetheart.", I smiled and then Zara and David joined us and Zara gave Nicky a hug and I looked at David and said "I heard you missed me. Is that true?". he nodded and I smiled and gave him a hug and said "now let's go home. I miss home in some way.". Everyone agree with me and Nicky helped us with the bags and we sat down in the car and began to drive. I asked Nicky how things were with my baby and he said "He's just fine. Standing in the garage waiting for you. Think he misses you.". I smiled and said "I sure as hell miss him.". Both david and zara sighed but i just ignored them becuase I do miss my baby and I don't give a damn what they think about that. Anyway then Nicky asked "So how was things with everyone over there?". I smiled and said "Just fine, the lads misses you so I think they will come and visit as soon as possible.". He nodded and said "Good, I miss them too.". then I said "So, how was the dinner the other day with Tove...". I saw him bite his lower lip in the rear-view mirror and he said "It was good... Jensen seemed a bit down but I guess he is still a little tired from being sick and all.". I clenched my teeth and said through them "As if.", I saw that nicky looked at me in the mirror and said "You don't think so?". I said "I'm sorry Nico... can't talk to you about it... but it's not why he seemed down, I can tell you that much.". he nodded and said "okay.. well I just hope he will get better and back to his old self.". I nodded and said "Yeah me too... I think I'm going to go and visit them when i've dropped my stuff off.". Zara said "Yeah you do that. Just be home for dinner.", I laughed and said "Sure mum.". She gave me an evil look and said "Ew, stop it.", I laughed and so did Nicky and David and Zara just sighed. When we finally parked the car outside the garage I just smiled and felt how good it was to be back home. We got out of the car and Zara and Nicky grabed our bags while I opened the garage door and walked over to my Lambo. He looked so beautiful! I smiled and ran my fingers over the shapes of the car and said "Hey handsome.". Then I heard a voice behind me say "I would get so scared if it acctually spoke back.". I looked at Nicky who was standing in the doorway and said "He doesn't have to speak back. But yeah, I think I would get pretty scared to. I don't want a car like Kitt on Knight Rider.". nicky laughed and siad "okay, come on now. Let's go inside.". I nodded and left the car behind me and followed Nicky inside where I got a big hug from Emma, Mattias and Kim which was a nice surprice. I smiled and siad "Hey... thanks for standing up for me the otherday when you were out with Tove.". They nodded and Emma said "Of course! That bitch can just go and die!". I agreed with her and then I turned to Zara and said "Think I'm going to Jensen now...". She nodded and I agve her a quick kiss and left again.

I actually walked on the snowy road that lead to Alexanderssons. It was a pretty nice walk but I was so thrilled to see Jensen adn Jared and everyone else again! When I finally got to the door I quickly opened and took my clothes off and heard voices from the kitchen. I walked over there and saw Jensen, Tove, Krisen and Johan there talking. Jensen was standing by the fridge, Tove was standing by the counter and Krisen and Johan was sitting by the table. I smiled when I saw them and then I nocticed that Jensen had spotted me and of course Tove had to and she looked so angry but Jensen had a smile on his face and I just walked pass Tove and into Jensens arms. He smiled broadly and held me thight and said "God it's so good to see you again!". I smiled and said "You too Jensen! I've missed you!". As I said that I looked at Tove and she looked like she wanted to kill me or something. I just continued smileing and gave Jensen a kiss on the cheek and he stroke mine and then I said "Don't move.". He nodded and I turned to Johan and gave him a big hug too and it was so nice to feel his arms around me and hear him say that he had missed me. I just couldn't stop smiling and then I gave mum a hug too and she kissed my cheek and said that it was good to see me again. Then Johan said "So how was it?", I smiled and said "It was great! Fine Paris was okay... not really my cup of tea but then when we went to Sligo it was just amazing! The first night it was just me and the lads and that was great!!! I've missed them so.". They nodded and Krisen said "I bet they have missed you too.", I nodded and said thta they had. We were talking for a while but then I just wanted to talk to Jensen so I took his hand and said "Do you want to take a walk?". He smiled and said "Yeah I'd love to!". I smiled and we went to the hallway to put our clothes on when I suddenly felt two strong arms lift me up from behind and hug me hard. I laughed and told Jared to put me down which he did so I could turn around and face him and he just smiled a really contagious smile, then he gave me another hug and I kissed his cheek and said "It's so good to see you again Jare.". He said "it's so good to see you too! Hey, do you feel like doing something tomorrow?". I smiled and said "Yeah sure I would love to!". He smiled and then Jensen said "Are you done Madde?", I looked at him and he looked so good in his black jacket, red and white scarf and blue jeans. I smiled and said "Yeah, just let me put my shoes on.". He nodded and I hurried with the shoes, we said goodbye to Jared and the others and then we sat off down the street.

Everything looked exacly like I had left it and I have to say in a way it's pretty nice to be back home but I miss Shane and the rest, and Ireland of course. Anyway when we had left the house behind us Jensen said "So how does it feel to be home then?". I smiled and walked a little closer to him and he put his arm around back and I did the same and I said "It's pretty great actually. But it would be even better if Shane and the rest of the lads and their families were here.". He nodded and said "I see. Aren't I enough?". i laughed and hug his arm harder and said "Of course you are handsome! It's really good to finally see you again. I have really missed you Jensen.". He smiled and said "Good to hear, I've missed you too love.". Then we came to a bench that someone had saved from all the snow and we sat down and I said "So how is things with you and tove?". He shook his head and said "I don't know. It's really like I don't know her anymore. She is out all the time or hanging out with Sofie. She doesn't even care about me or Dennie for that matter.". I shook my head and took his hands in mine and said "I'm sorry Jensen. I don't get what's wrong with her either. She has such an amazing man and a daughter right infront of her and she doesn't even see you. She's crazy not to see you.". He nodded slowly and bit his lip and said quietly "We aren't the couple we used to be... we haven't ahd sex in like almost a week... so not us... she is never home and we hardly talk anymore. And she gets angry with me because I talk to you... I just don't understand.". I sighed adn said "Neither do I Jensen... I'm sorry. But you know... it's her loss really. you are an amazing man and I love you Jensen.". He smiled slightly and said "I love you too Madde. Thank you for always being there for me, through thick and thin.". I laughed and said "Almost like we were married eh?". He laughed and pulled me closer and siad "Yeah almost!". We laughed and then we continued walking and I think we were out walking for maybe three hours and I knew I had promised Zara to be home by dinner so Jensen walked with me to the door to drop me off and he said "So... Tove is going to hang out with Sofie tonight... do you feel like doing something?". I nodded and said "Yeah absolutly! We can watch some movies and just chill.". He smiled and said "That sounds great! You come over after dinner?". I nodded and then I agve him a hug and we said goodbye and he left.

I just came home in the nick of time because I heard Nicky yell from the kitchen that dinner was ready so I quickly got out of my outdoor clothes and joined them at the table. I gave Zara a quick kiss and she asked how things were with Jensen and I said "Well... so so I suppose.". She nodded and then we just ate and had a good time as a family and I have to say it's really good to be home again and see the kids and of course Nico again. I've missed him.

Anyway after dinner I just ran up and blogged so here i am but now I'm going to wrap this up and drive over to Jensen and watch good movies with him and just chill. It's going to be great!

Take care
Love
Madde

Friends or Family?

2010-01-25T15:38:00.000-08:00

Hey guys!
I bet you all think I'm a huge bitch right now after everything Madde is telling you! Sometimes I can't belive where she get everything from..

Well anyway let's start from the begining shall we.
I woke up from a screaming baby I just tured around and pressed the pillow to my ear, I was so tired I had gotten home at maybe 5 this morning after a party at mine and Sofies freind Jonas place with some other guys that we meet when we was clubbing for a few nights ago.So I tured around a looked at the time and it was nine in the morning and I just sign but then I heard Jensen voice talking to her and she got quite again so he must have picked her up, then I feelt how he lied down in the bed again and he said to Dennie " Mum is sleeoing she was out so late intill 5 this morning." I slowly opend my eyes and saw how he was holding Dennie in his arms and I said " I thought you where a sleep last night when I go home.." He looked at me and said " Yeah.. well I wasn't.. and even if I had been sleeping you wasn't that quit either. " I said " I know, sorry. I had been drinking a little. He said " A little? it seemed more then a little to me." I sign and said " Whatever. " He said" You had liver cancer and you are drinking that much, do you want to die?" I sign again and said " Yeah yeah.. " He said angry " What the hell Tove! How can you not care?!!" I slowly sat up a little and said " One of my closest friend is dying Jensen.. " He said" I know and it's horrible and so sad and every other bad word in this world.. but even thought it's not just Sofie that loves you you know... Your family, your daughther.. and I love you, your husband. " I said " I know.. I'm sorry. It's so much going on in my head this days so It's.. hard. " he said " That is okay that you are scared and sad so am I and if you want to talk or cry or just sit there I'm here for you whenever and whatever it is. But don't say that you want to die that I can't take after everything. " I nodded and said " Yeah. " then he took my left hand and pointed at my wedding ring and said seriosly " What dose this mean to you? What dose it say to you? " I said " That I love you so much to marry you and that I will mess this up some how. " he said " You don't beleve in us at all do you? Do you think we should get up now?" I sign and said " I didn't say that.. I believe in you, I just don't belive in me. " he just shook his head and I said " Jensen what's up with you? what's going on? " He just stood up and said " What have happend to you Tove, it's like I don't know you anymore.. " Then he just walked out from the room with Dennie in his arms. I sign and thought to myself that the bitch Madde had talked him into something now, why can't she just leave me alone!! I tured around in bed and then apprently I fell a sleep again. Because next time I woke up the clock was 12.09 so I slowly got up from bed and put my softy pants on and a big t-shirt on and walked downstairs.

I went into the kithen where I found Johan, I said good morning and he said " Is it morning now? I thought it was in the middle of the day. " I sat down and Johan gave me a cup of coffiee and said " You look tired, rough night? " I smiled and said " No, awesome night, just to little sleep. " He nodded and I took a zip of my coffiee and said " Where is everyone? " He said " Your mum is working and your siblings are haing out with freinds and Jensen, Maja and Dennie went outside of a walk. " I nodded and I said " I should take a walk with Ebba now. " He smiled and said " I have all reday done that, I need a walk so I thought why not bring her. I hope you don't mind. " I smiled and walked over to him and gave him a hug and said " Thanks, you are the best. " He smiled and kissed my cheek and said " Well I should go and take a shower. " I nodded and he walked upstairs. I fished my coffee and thought I also needed a walk. So I walked upstairs and took a shower and got dressed. I started to walk in the beautiful winter weather and it wasn't that cold either and after walked for a while and clearing my head I heard a voice behind me and there was Niklas, he walked up to me and gave me a hug and and we started to walk he was going to Nicky. He looked at me and said “ So how are you doing? “ I smiled and said “ In general or do you mean something specific? “ He said “ I mean it’s alot that have happend I mean with Sofie and all that... Sara told me. “ I said “ Well then it depends when you ask me.. so I don’t know sometimes it feels unbearable and sometimes it’s just easier.. so I don’t know.. “ He nodded and said “ About you and Madde then? It’s just so hard to see that you two are not friends anymore I mean it’s you, you have been best friends aslong as I can remebere and now this. “ I said “ I can’t talk to you about Madde... she is your sister. “ He said “ Tove you can talk to me about everything. I know she is my sister and I love her so much but I love you too and I’m worried. As long as you don’t call her anything bad I think we will be fine. And you know.. I think she misses you.. “ I sign and said “ I miss her too.. but I mean you can’t be that suprsied after last year. “ he said “ But you two have always fought but made up again. Like you last year. “ I said “ Niklas we never actually got friend again or we tried we did but we always ended up like this again. So we can’t say we haven’t tried because we have a lot but nothing. So this our own fauilt but this is how it will be so the easiet for all of you is just to except the way it is and try to get use to it. Okay? “ he nodded and I said “ But you are happy right? “ He smiled and said “ yes I love Sara so much, she and Ida is he best thing that have ever happend to me. I really love her so much that I can’t even describe it. I can’t believe we where apart for so long and for a very long time when I was with my ex it feelt like something was missing and I couldn’t really understand what, intill I meet Sara again it was like the last puzzle bit fell to place in my heart and everything was so right. She makes me whole and so happy. “ I smiled and said “ Good I’m happy for you two. So when is Ida getting here again then? “ He smiled and said” In a few weeks I can’t wait. “ I said “ I bet Sara isn’t that happy. “ He said “ No she isn’t but she just have to get use to it. “ I nodded and he laughed and said “ I can’t believe that me and Zara is the same age and I have one daughter at 5 years old and she have 4 or had 4 kids. And now she is becoming a grandma! She will hear that world grandma so many times! “ I laughed and said “ I know it’s crazy! But she will be the hottest grandma in the world. “ Niklas laughed and said “ Oh yeah, but it’s funny. But I know Emma can do this if she wants too and we all will support her whatever she choose. “ I nodded and said “ What did you say when she told you guys she was pregnate? “ He said “ I didn’t belive her at all. I was so mean.. but then Sara told us that it was true and then i just started to laugh because I could not see her like mum I mean you know how she was. It was so hilarious and she got pretty pissed off. That was my reaction. “ I said “ You are so evil! But you where wrong. “ He smiled and said “ I know but I got to eat it up I mean she changed when Emma got born or at least she changed when she was with Emma. And she have always been an amazing mum she loves thoughts kids more than anything out there. She really is one of the best mums I have ever meet to be honest she have actually reached me a lot about parenthood from watching her for year. So I owe her much. “ I said “ I know she is a fanatic mother I just wish she understood that like she should understand that Antons death isn’t her a fault..” He said “ I know..I know Zara better then she think I do and even though she tries to hid that guilt and sadness she has some days I still see it. And last year was hard year for her so she had many of those days and she just digs herself down and want to disappear and that is so hard to see.. she should know that’s not her fault.. but honestly since she and Madde have been a couple for this two month our how they now count she have been so much happier . Happier then I have ever seen her before which is amazing. Sure she have had her days too but not as much, maybe tree under two month that is a little. Madde makes her happy and makes her to move on from the past like she should have done years ago. Madde is changing her into a much happier and peaceful woman then before and I can see Madde is really happy to for the first time in a really long time. So I’m so happy for them and I love them so much.” I smiled and said “ I’m really happy to hear that they deserve to be happy. “ He smiled and said “ They do both of them. “ I smiled and nodded and he said “ So how is Jensen? “ I said “ He’s just great, just a little more tired but otherwise just fine. “ He smiled and said “ You must think it’s great that he is home again. “ I smiled and said “ I do, I have missed him. “ Niklas smiled and then he got serious again and said “ so...how long..dose Sofie have..before..” I said “ Before she dies and leave her kids, her family, this world and me? Well about 6 month give or take.. then I will be all alone... again. Like in school without friends.. but then I had Madde at least.. even though she regret that she was my friend but still.. “ He said “ Tove you are not alone..you have us your family. “ I said “ I know I do.. it’s just that Sofie is the only one I can talk to about everything without hurting anyone.. I mean fir example if I want to talk about this with Madde.. I can’t talk to you because she is your sister, I can’t talk to Zara because she is her girlfriend, I can’t talk to your girlfriend because she is your girlfriend and I can’t talk to mum or anyone else about it, or if me and Jensen have been fighting I can’t go to you either because we are a family. Do you understand? “ he said “ I do.. but you know you can always talk to all of us whatever it’s we love you. “ I nodded and said “ Thanks... I can’t believe she is dying..” he said “ me neither it’s horrible.. and Madde didn’t mean that she regret being your friend you two have learn so much from each other and been there throw so much..“ I sign and said “ Whatever..”

When we was outside Nicky and Zaras house Niklas said " Come with me.. please. " I sign and nodded. So we knocked on the door and stepped in and found Nicky in the kitchen cleaning the dished and putting it in the dishwasher. He smiled when he saw us and Niklas walked over to him and patted him on his shoulder and said " Good boy. " Nicky laughed and throw the towel at him. I sat down and said" Men!" Both of them looked at me and then at each other. Nicky poured up a cup with water and both him and Niklas walked towards me and I could see what they where thinking so I got up from my chair and backed away and said " If you throw that water on me then Nicky Byrne you are so death! And Niklas Karlsson what happend with I'm always there for you?" He smiled and said " Well I'm I just thought you needed a shower. " I begged " Okay, please I do anything!" They looked at each other and Nicky said " Okay. " I said " Why did I say that! What do you want me to do?" They laughed then Nicky said " Well I want you to bring Jensen and yourself here to night to hang out and eat some dinner. And Maybe Niklas and Sara too? " Niklas smiled and said " We would love too!" I sign and said " I was suppose to hang out with Sofie and watch some sad movies. " Niklas said " Well why don't you bring her then? " I said" Sure. And I'm guess I'm cooking..." Nicky laughed and said " You guessed right!" I sign and said " Won't Madde get pissed because you are haning out with me? " He said " No I think she thinks that is my destion.. but I will call her later to cheack. " I nodded and then Niklas phone rang and he answer. When he hang up again he said " I have to go home my wonderful amazing girlfreind are home!" I laughed and said " What do you want from her? sex? Since you are useing all those nice words. " He laughed and said " Not exatlly.. I'm trying to get her to sell her apartment and move in with me for real. " I lauged and said " So how is going? " He said " Well not that good yet but I have my planes. Can't you try to convince her? " I said " Well I think you have a better shoot with Zara since they are so close if she een listens to her I mean it's Sara. " He laughed and said " But I know I will get my way with this. " I smiled and said " I hope so too. " Then he said goodbye and left. Then it was just me and Nicky... I said " So.. how is everything going here today then? " He said " Better.. but I still don't get how Zara dose this alone. " I laughed and said " Mum knows everything right? " He laughed and said " Yeah they seriosly do. " I smiled and said " What have you been up to all day? " He said " Mostly just cleaning the house since I promised Zara that she would come home to a clean house.. otherwise I know I will get a big tell of when she gets home. Otherwise nothing or my mum called that's all.. and she was crying and smiling at the sametime I think because Zara had been there and cried because she left. " I smiled and said " So sweeit. " He smiled and said " They love her like she was their daughther. But as you and me have said before no one hates Zara everyone loves her. " I smiled and said " Well they should love her. So what did they say when you first told them about her? " He said " Well what would you say if Dennie would come home when she is 17 and tell you that she meet a guy that is a model and have two kids. " I said " I would kill him. " Nicky nodded and said " So would I if it was about my kids. " I said " So what did you tell your parents then? " He said " We sat at the table the whole family eating dinner and mum asked me why I had been so happy latly and I said I had meet the most wonderful girl I have ever meet, so beautiful, sweeit and caring and a heart filled with love for everyone. And dad was really happy and asked who this wonderful person was and asked me to tell the about her and I said her name was Zara and from Sweden and 17 years old but I had meet her in London for a few weeks and everyhing feelt so right. Then they asked what she was doing so long way from home at the age 17 and I said she was a model and they didn't really like that since we all know how they can be sometimes even thought Zara isn't. And then I thought what the fuck I can as well tell them she is mum of two kids which I did and then they started to tell me I couldn't be with her and I was to young and so was she and so on. But In the middle of all the yelling I just stood up and said I love her and I'm in love with her and if they didn't give her a chance I would leave. So a week after that they invited Zara for dinner and since that day they love her so much and she was just herself and made her way into there hearts. They kind of have become her extra family after mum welcomed her with open arms when she told them about her so called parents. Even though Zara and I are not together anymore I know they still will call her a few times a week as they do with me and invite her to every dinner and every party there is which I'm happy for because she need them and love them too. And here and Adam sees her I think like his sexy big sister and those two can talk for hours they are best freinds. But I'm glad my family have Zara and she has them because they are all amazing. " I smiled and said " I do understand their reaction when they found out she was a mum.. but you didn't mind that right? " He said " No not at all. I couldn't wait to meet them to see how amazing they must be and I was right. I know Emma and Anton isn't my kids but that dosn't matter I still love them acuatlly as much as I love Kim and David. They all are amazing and I'm so proud to be there dad. " I smiled and said " Good you should be, they are amazing. But you know if you where so okay with Zara having kids try to be okay with Emma having a baby too. She needs you. " He said " I know... and I will. " I nodded and said " Good, and also when she have told Mattias if she all reday haven't done that...maybe try to like him or be nice to him anyway as your parents was with Zara. And you maybe can talk to him since you acutlly understand how it is to find out that the girl you like have kids and that it's okay be scared or whatever you was.. you undestand him in a way we don't since you been thow the same to become a dad at early age for someone else kid. " He sign and said " You are right.. and I will do my best because I can she likes him.. " I smiled and said " good. " Then David walked into the kithen and he said hello to me then he looked at Nicky and said " Dad are you ready?" Nicky smiled and said " Yeah I just have to change. " David nodded and looked at me and said " We are going out running we always do that on mondays. " I smiled and said " Okay, must be fun to hang out with dad with out your sisters. " He nodded and said " But I miss mum...dad when is mum coming home?" Nicky stroke his back and said " I think on wednesday. You can call her and ask her later, but we are doing okay right with out mum? " He said " Yeah but I miss her... espcially when it's night.." Nicky said " I know you do and she missed you too. " He said " I..miss Madde too. " Nicky said " I also miss them both, but go and get dressed for our jogging tour now and remebere it's cold outside. " He nodded and ran upstairs and Nicky said " He miss his mum so much, he is so down when she is not home. But when she gets home he will hug her all day, they are cute togther. " I smiled and said " It's cute." Then David walked into the kitchen again but this time he had Emma,Mattias, Kim and Jocke behind him. Jocke walked over to me and gave me a hug then he walked over to Nicky and said " I'm going out for a while I will be home for dinner. " Nicky said " Where are you going? Home? " Jocke laughed and said" Hell no! I'm home now. It's a girl wating. " I said " You have a girlfreind? " Jocke smiled and said " No but I have girls. " I shook my head and said " Aren't you to younf for that? " he just laughed and left. Then David said " Dad go and get ready.. " Nicky looked at Mattias and took a deep breath and said " Mattias would you like to join us? " Mattias smiled and got happy and said " Thanks, I would love too. I just have to change. " But even if Mattias got happy for that invition Emma got even more happy she smiled and walked over to Nicky and kissed his cheek and said " Thanks...dad. " Nicky smiled with his whole face and said " Don't worry about it honey. I love you. " She smiled and said " Love you too dad. " Then Emma said she needed to go to teh bathroom and Mattias walked upstairs then Kims phone rang so she started to talk. I said to Nicky" She called you dad that's big. And you made her day now. " he smiled and said " I know it's amazing. Me and Emma had a little talk last night about everything and it feelt great we have never talked like that before. " I smiled then all of the kids was back again and Kim said " Dad can't you drive me and Emma to town we have nothing to do.. since we don't have any school today. " Nicky said " Sorry I promsied David and after that I need to shower then it's almost dinner. " Kim said " Mum would have done it.. " He said " Yeah well that's just because she loves to shop more then you two do. " Kim sign and said " You are so boring. I miss mum. " Nicky said " I'm not a woman I'm sorry so I don't get those things.. you can follow us out jogging? " Kim just stared at him and Nicky laughed and said " I take that as a no. " I smiled and said " Girls if you want to we can drive to some cozy café and have some girltalk? " They smiled and said " Sounds great. We will go and get ready. " Nicky walked over to me and gave me a hug and said " Thank you! " I laughed and said " I just think they need some woman companie. Don't worry you are doing great Nicky. " He looked at me and said " Thanks. You can borrow Zaras car if you want too. " I nodded then all they guys ran off.

When Kim and Emma was ready we walked into the garage and there stood Nickys BMW, Zaras audi and Maddes lamborghini... Still everytime I look at it I see Madde and Jensen on that car that image dosn't want to leave me. I took a deep breath and shook i of and said " Shall we? " They nodded and I strated the engine and I thought I was going to become deaf so I tured down the radio a bit and said " Is your deaf? If she isn't then she soon will be. " They laughed and Kim said " Well you apparently never have been with me, Emma and mum in a car. Then we turen up the volume and sing our lungs out, it's so much fun. " I laughed and said " It sounds fun and it must sounds good too I mean it's Zara and she's amazing and I know you two are amazing singers too. " Emma said " Well we often just do it when it's us and mum because David just gets angry and Nic...dad just wants to listen to some sport channel. But driving around with mum is great we do that sometimes just for fun. But Madde is boring sometimes she never wants to sing then! " I just laughed and when we was driving Westlifes song Where we are started to play on Rix fm and Kim just sign and said " Please change channel.. " I laughed and did as she said to NRJ instead and Kim said " Thanks.. I mean I hang out with my parents all day so then I don't want to listen to them at the radio too." I laughed and said " You never listen to them? " Kim said " No never! It's enough that I have to listen to them live. " I laughed then Takidas song Never alone always alone started to play and both Kim and Emma started to sing and I just smiled because they are unbeliveblely good. But I mean I shouldn't be suprised with those genes.

Well at the café I order a frappé coffee and the girls took a coke and we all eat a piece of cake. We sat down next to the window. I looked at Emma and said " So..have he kissed you get? " She smiled and said " Yes..or I kissed him and he kissed me back. " I smiled and said " I told you he liked you.. so tell me. " She smiled and said " We went out for a walk last night because I had decied to tell him that I was pregnate, and I was so nervious and he saw that so he just told me to say what I had on my mind and he promised to stay whatever it was. So I just told him. " I smiled and said " So what did he say? " She smiled and said " This is the best part I thought he was going to freack out and never want to see me aagain but he just smiled and said okay and I know you will be a wonderful mum and he gave me a hug which made my heart rush and he smelled so good it was just so great. " I smiled and said " And then..." She laughed and said " Then he let go of me and I just looked him deep into his eyes and.. kissed him. " I just smiled and she said dreamy " His lips were so soft and he tasted so good and his hand were so gental.. " Kim just sign and I laughed and Emma snapped out of it and said " And when we got home we watched a movie and then he went down stairs to eat something and I called mum to tell her. " I smiled and said " Romantic. " She said " It was.. and then I talked with Nicky...dad for a while which was so great and he were so understanding and just listen and he promised me he would try to get to know Mattias. " I said " Good... so have you told your dad Jonas get that you are pregnant? " She shook her head and said " No he would become so angry" I nodded and said " At Viktor? " She nodded and said " Yeah but also with mum which is even worse... because whatever bad thing I do according to him it's alwayas mums fauilt in someway. " I said " Well you need to tell him... maybe you should ask someone to be there with you if you think it's hard.. and you know your mum can take care of herself so don't worry about that. " She said " I know she can but I hate that he blames it on her when it's my fauilt.. at the sametime I want mum their when I tell him but at the sametime not because I know he will just start yelling at her and you know mum she hates to fight so she just take it and tries to talk later when he has calm down but then he have already said all those hurtful words...It wouldn't suprise me if he have called her really bad words if you know what I mean... But I know i have to tell him oterwise it will just get worse." I said " He have called her those things? Okay I'm not going to say anything bad about your dad because he is your dad but he has no right to do that...and I know how Zara get's when people calls her things especially those kinds of things then she just takes it which is wrong. But you know what I think, I think you should have your mum there if that is what you want because this is about you and how you want to do this to feel as good as you can about this and Zara is strong she will be okay even though she shouldn't just let it slide. " Emma said " I will ask mum to be there... but then I want Madde there too for mums sake..and mine. " I said " I know she will be there for you. " She nodded, then it walked in a few kids or maybe teenagers and when they walked by our table they looked at Kim and one of the girls said with a teasing voice " So Kimberly how are your lesbian mum then? " I just said " Don't care about them Kim. " She smiled and looked at them and said " She is doing just fine thanks for asking. " They just got quit and shuted up. I looked at Kim and said " Well done. " She nodded and we countinued talking about everything and nothing. Intill I heard a voice saying hello and I recognize the voice to well and I just sign and said " Matilda what do you want this time? And I bet Jessica is here too.." I tured around and faced them both and I said " Two times in one week what are the odds.." Jessica said " Well the world is small. " I said " Yeah apparently to small.." Jessica smiled a evil smil and said " Still freind with that blonde brain free slut? Or have she sleeped with your boyfreind again? and left Zara for him.. all I have to say lucky Zara to finally get away from her, I mean how stupid can she be to be with Madde she will probaly just end up with aids or something! " Then Kim said furious " That's my family you are talking about! Don't call my mother stupid!" Jessica said " Well I still thinks she is weird to be with that slut " Kim said " Madde is so not a slut! " Emma said " You don't know her at all. If you did you should know what an amazing woman she is that would do everything for her family and freinds!" Kim countinued" She is caring, loyal, honest,loving, brave, funny, sensetive and a good listner and so on! I can gone for hours if you want too but she is amazing! " Emma said " I agree with my little sister about every word and I know I can always trust her if I tell her something and I can always trust her that she will be there for me whatever it is and whenever. And she makes my mum happy then I'm happy and I love Madde so much. So you two just shut up because like I said you don't know her and you don't deserve to know her either! She deserves the best and that is so not you two! " I just smiled and I can say was proud of them, and then Jessica said " Well it's not like your mum is so much better then that blonde one I mean who get's pregnate at age 15. " I could see how angry Emma got and I tried to calm her down but it didn't work that well and she said " Things happends! " Matilda said " Well it's not like she planed to get pregnate.. so that means you were just a mistake then. " Emma said " Yes I was a mistake but I don't care I still have the best mum in the world that loves me more then anyone and will love me whatever I do. " Jessica laughed and said " So you mean she would be totally okay if you did was she did and then come home and say you are pregnate? She won't get angry? yeah right. " Emma said " Well she just asked me how I was feeling and she would be there whatever happends. " Jessica said " You are pregante? " Emma nodded and I think the kids that have talked to Kim before heard that and Emma sign and said " And now the whole school will know it.. but I don't care it was worth it.." Then Jessica and Matilda just walked away and I smiled and said" I proud of you two for saying all those wonderful things about Madde. " Kim said " Well they are true, and I really do love her. " I said " You do? " She nodded and said " Yeah.. I hated her when she hurted mum so bad she barely showed that side for us kids but I still could see something was wrong. She wasn't my mum as I'm use to know her with a smile always on her lips and eyes that sparkes of happines that was just gone.. but now this last couple month she is back and even more happy then before and I can she really loves Madde and if she is making mum happy then I'm happy. And Madde is my family and I meant everything I said about her she is amazing. " I smiled and said " Good because they are happy and yes she is amazing both of them. " Emma said " Well I mean if mum can forgive her and be in love with her why can't I forgive her now when she is making her the happiest woman on earth. And I love Madde because she is Madde and I know she loves mum too and I think she loves us kids too. I'm so happy she's in our family. " I smiled and said " You know if you haven't told her this you should she will get really happy! and David?" Emma sign and said " He's still having a hard time with this which I understand... he is still so young and he got hurt so badly about everything that happend. But it's getting better he told me the oher day that he was happy that Madde made mum happy, so that's kind of big from him." I said " I understand ut takes time but I'm glad he is changeing his mind. So what about you two how are you doing? " Kim said " What do you mean? " I said " You have had a pretty hard year first all this with your parents for so long, then your mum fell inlove with Madde that is a woman, then Kristina got shoot I know you are close and then your mums... drinking problems...and now Emma is pregnate. " Kim said " Well i'm just fine, mum is happy, me and dad is building up our realtionship again and mums drinking problem she quit with that so that is great. And about my sisters is stupid enough to get pregante I mean what can I do about that, just so you know I kill the kid of it's screams all night!" I said " Good I'm glad you are doing well. But don't kill the baby. what about you Emma?" She smiled and said " Well like Kim said mum is happy and she have quit drinking and I'm in love. And about this baby I don't know get. " I smiled and said " Good. " Then Kim said " You fogot one bad thing..." I just looked at her and she said " That you got sick.." I smiled slightly and said " Well I'm fine now so don't worry. " they nodded and I took a zip from my frappe and thought to myself that I still feels to easy about Zaras drinking that she just quit... but maybe she wasn't that addicted as we thought. Then Kim said "The only thing I can complaine about that I wish mum and Madde could be more quit in their bedroom! It's draving me mad!!" I laughed and Emma said " I agree with you!" I looked at the time and if I'm wa sgoing to cook we ha dto go. Then I remebere I was going to call Sofie to hear if she wanted to join so I text messaged her and recived she would love too. So we left and I drop them off at home and drove home.

I went up to mine and Jensen room and on the bed I found Jensen he didn't even look at me so I sat down next to him and stroke his arm and said " How are you doing? " he moved his arm so my hand fell down on the bed and said " I'm fine. " I said " Are you angry with me for something? " He didn't answer so I said " What are you doing tonight? " He finally lookde at me and smiled and said " Nothing at all. " I smiled and gave him a kiss on his amazing lips and I said " Well good because Nicky wanted us to come over there for dinner and wine. And apprently I'm cooking... " he said " Yeah.. why not, that can be fun. " then his beautiful smile just disappeard again he can sometims be so confusing.. I looked at him and said " Jensen can you please stop talking behind my back about me. " He looked at me confused and said " When have I done that? " I said " With Madde. If you are sad, angry or whatever you are can you tell me that face to face instead of leting me find out from her. " he said quit " Well you are never home.. " I sign and said " What's that suppose to mean? You know that Sofie needs me. " He said " Nothing.." I said " You have your chance to tell me now what's on your mind instead of calling Madde. " He said " Do you remebere me? your husband? and your daughther? " I said " Of course I do! You are my family and I love both of you and you mean everything to me. " He said " Really? why are you never home then? " I said " Jensen come on! " He said " I know Sofie needs you now more then ever...But..I just wish you could spend one evening with us. " I smiled slightly and said " Well we are spending tonight together right? " He said " Yeah.. at Nickys..you don't even like Nicky. " I said " Long story. " He nodded and I said " I think I'm going to take a fast shower. " he nodded and I said " And btw what the hell did you mean this morning that you don't know me anymore? You know that hurts me when you said that and I don't even know why you said it. " He said " Weren't you taking a shower. " I said " Yeah... and please stop talking behind my back! " I went into the bathroom and took a shower. When I was done I wrapped a towel around my body and walked out of the bathroom and Jensen had apprently left. Sometimes I just don't get's how he think.. Well anyway I was just about to enter the closet to see what to wear but then my phone rang so I sat down on the bed and it stood Zara on the display so I smiled and answer and she sounded happy too and I said " So I heard you are quite a romantice kind of gal. " Zara laughed and said " It's alot you don't know about me Mrs. Ackles. " I said " Oh shut up will ya! " She just laughed and I smiled and said " Do you have something more romantice planes? " She said " Well I was pretty romantice last night if you ask me anyway I send a huge bouquet red roses 48 to be exatct to her with messanger and a little card where I told her that I missed her och thought about her and of course love her. " I smiled and said " Why 48? " She said happy " Because it was 48 days ago I decied that I wanted to have her in my forever and always and I hope she wants that too. " I smiled and said " And which day was that? " She said " Well at your wedding when I kissed her the first time for real when it wasn't just a prank...and esepcially that night when she came to my hotel room eveything I was so scared about whatever one would think and say just disppeard when I looked at her and all I could feel was how much I loved that blonde gorgous woman infront of me. " I smiled and said " Okay you are romantice. " She said " A little, when we get home I was thinking about asking her out for a proper date." I said " Okay I bet she say yes. So how was everything with Nickys family then? You are in sligo now right? " She said happy" Yes I'm in sligo now. Well it was good just a little empty with out Nickys dad.. I miss him so much he got kind of like my dad to in a way. But other then that it was so wonderful to be there I have really missed them, they are really like my family and I know they support me 100% and more and I do the same with them. " I smiled and said " So they where happy to see you? " Zara said " Yeah, Nickys mum Yvonne almost strangeld me with her hug, but she is amazing she just worry to much about me.. like Nicky dose. She was worried that I still was depressed about all this that have happend and I told her that I was happy for the first time in a really long time and that is all because of my wonderful girlfreind so we talked alot about Madde and I think I got them to undertstand that I'm happy. Then they asked if I missed Nicky and so on. " I said " So.. do you miss Nicky? " Zara said " No not in that way. I miss him like my freind that I could trust and talk to about everything and that knew everything about me. Okay me and Nicky still live together but it's not like we talk it's not like we hang out, and that I miss but nothing else. Because that I get from Madde, to feel loved, to feel importent, to know that someone needs me, to give love, to know that when she touch me our look at me, or smile I know my heart will go crazy all that and so much more is Madde giving me. And I'm so lucky to have her in my life, she is one of the best things that have ever happend to me. To be honest I think she might have saved my life.. " I said " I'm so glad you are happy Zara...but what do you mean with that? " She said " As you know I was in love with Madde for month before I got the courage to do something about it. Before I fell so deep for that amazing woman I was miserble. I had even thought about the best possible ways to die, I don't think anyone knows how down far I was that road.. I'm pretty good to hide my bad feelings and put on a smile, but I'm terrible to hide my happy feelings but that's just good. Well anyway now when I look back at that time I don't know what I was thinking to leave this world when I'm only 30..to leave my wonderful kids, to leave my family and freinds. Now that seems so stupid but then It feelt so good to just leave everything behind. And when Madde and I was playing with the kids that day and decied to fake engaged to each other that was fun and I haven't had that for a long time. And the first time I kissed her I never wanted it to stop I wanted to feel her soft lips aginst mine and her skin and everything. Which was really weird feeling and it scared me alot I mean it was Madde.. but everytime we kissed it was like I was in a dream and when she told me one morning that she thought we shuold tell everyone.. that was so hard because I wanted this to be true. I don't think I relized back then that I was in love with her that have hit me later but yeah I fell for her and deep too like I told you the other day. Then I was suppose to try with Nicky and she was kind of back with Jared which was so hard to see, but I still tried woth Nicky even thought he didn't try that much but still and I'm glad he didn't try when I think about it because then I would have lived with a man that love another woman. So everytime I had seen Madde and Jared together I fought my tears back so I kind of understand how Madde feelt when she saw me and Nicky. And because Madde is such an amazing woman with so much to give she saved my life she made want to live so I could still be her freind. " I heard that Zara was crying and she said "So she have saved my life to even thought she dosn't really know it. Like Nicky did with her. And I'm so thankful and grateful and everything I can be and I owe her so much and love her even more. " I smiled and said " Why are you crying? " she laughed a little and said " Because I love her so damn much! It's happy tears nothing else. I'm crying because I'm happy and in love and I want to marry that woman someday. " I smiled and said " Good. So I just have to ask... at my...wedding.. when Madde kissed Nicky and you got hurt..." She said " I was hurt that they kissed but as everyone thought it wasn't Nicky that hurted me most it was Madde... because I wanted her to kiss me instead of him. But all that with Nicky and Madde really is forgotten and forgiven from my side all I do now is love her with all of my heart and I would do anything for my amazing girlfreind. " I smiled and said " I know you would, you should hear yourself when you talk about her I have never heard anything like it. It's like.. I don't I can't decribe it but it's amazing. And you really should see yourself to when you talk about her because your eyes spurt love and happiness it's so wonderful to see. " She laughed and said " Good and I hope Madde can see that too how much I love her. " I said So you had a great day with the Byrnes then? " She said happy " I really did they are amazing but I missed my amazing girlfriend...alot.. But me and Adam was up intill 5 this morning talking about everything and nothing we had a great time with a few tears. " I smiled and said " Good. You know I have been haning out with your ex this morning and I'm going there tonight too...and the rest of the day I have spend with your daughthers that I have hard talk about you and Madde and how much they love you both. They are amazing young women and I understand that you are proud of them. " She said " Oh really? Nicky and you? that's weird.. but it's good you are there for Emma and Kim so they know they can trust you. It makes me really happy that they are okay with all this that is fantastic.. and yeah I'm so proud of them they are amazing kids. " I said " Me and Nicky long story. they even defended Madde so yeah they are more then okay. They say she is there family too, so don't worry about that. And I have to say what have happend to them.. they are so...nice and sweeit? " Zara laughed and said " I know I'm just waiting for it to ture around again. After they found out about my drinking.. they are like angels.. and so are you for talking to them they need that. " I smiled and said " Okay well enjoy as long as it will last then. And trust me I'm no angel... you are the angel as Madde always calls you. " Zara said " Yes you are. " I said " Whatever.. so what are you guys going to do tonight then? " She said " Well Kevin and Jodi are trying to convince me to follow them out on a few drinks or they drink and I will be sober. But I want to be with Madde too since I was a way from her a whole day almost.. so if she goes I go so we will see. " I said " Okay. " Zara said happy " Right I forgott to tell you one thing about those roses this morning when I got to sligo I suprised Madde with another rose to her bouque since it's 49 days today since the day I decied I wanted just her and no one else. So I'm alittle romtice." I smiled and said " So sweeit. " Then I heard in the background in the phone Maddes voice saying to Zara " Have you been crying honey? " I said " Zara I let you talk to your girlfreind. Love you. " She said " Love you too. bye" "bye" we hang up and I got dressed.

I found Jensen in the kitchen with Dennie in his arms and I said " Shall we go? " he nooded and we left for Nickys, Sofie, Sara and Niklas where all reday there. Kim and Emma walked over to me and gave me a hug and said " Thanks for today. We love you. " I smiled and said " I love you too and if you need to talk again I'm here. " They smiled and the guys went into livingroom to talk and Sofie gave me ahug and kissed my cheek and we started to talk. Then I said " I should start with dinner.. " Mattias who was holding Emmas hand said " Do you need help? " I smiled and said " Stay here with your...freind.." Emma just smiled and Mattias kissed emmas cheek and said " Is it okay if I help her? " Emma smiled and nodded so now is the dinner cooking so I thought I should blog so here I'm. BUt I have to go now because dinner is soon done.
Well see ya!
Kisses from Tove

Heaven on earth

2010-01-24T04:29:00.000-08:00

Heya!

Well I can't begin to tell you how over the moon I am at the moment! with some of my closest friends around me! All I'm missing at the moment is my gorgeous girlfriend! I'm the happiset woman in the world and I'm so lucky to have all these amazing people around me.

Anyway I bet you want to know about our little romantic dinner the other night. When we had gotten into our new dresses we took a limo to a really beautiful restaurant. Zara got out of the car first and took my hand and we walked hand in hand to the reception and Zara said "Hello, I have reserved a table for two.". The woman nodded and took two menus and showed us to the table. The restaurant was small but really cozy and romantic and there were a few couples there already and the whole feel was just love, love and more love. We sat down and the woman handed us the menus and left and Zara said "order whatever you want, i pay.". I smiled and said "okay. thanks.", i looked through the menu and decided for a chicken thing and Zara took some sort of sallad... They have such wierd names that I'm not even going to try to spell. And we ordered just some water with lemon in it. Anyway we told the host what we wanted and he took the menus and left us alone but after a while he came in with a jar of water and poured it up in our glasses. when he left Zara raised her glass and said "Cheers honey. For us.". I smiled and clicked my glass against hers and said "Cheers love.". She smiled and we took a sip of the water and then she said "So have you had a good time here?". I said "Well, the photoshoot was fun but you know that I'm not really fond of the whole fashion thing... not really my thing but I've had fun.". She said "I know it's not your kind of fun but I'm really glad you wanted to come anyway.". I smiled and said "Of course I wanted to come with you. What would I have done at home?". She said "Hung out with Nicky maybe...", I reashed out and took her hand that was resting on the table and said "No I don't think I would have.. would probobly hung out with Jensen or someone.". She smiled and said "Really? You seem happy that Jensen is home again.". I said "I am. After we crashed with the car and the fear I had that he was going to die I just can't stand to see him in the hospital. So yes it is really nice to know that he is home again.". She nodded and said "And he is fine Madde, he always will be.", I said "Yeah i hope so. He is a good friend and I don't want to lose him.". She said "Oh you wont.", I smiled and looked her deep in the eyes and said "And I surely don't want to lose you. I love you so much baby.". She flushed and said "Oh I love you too baby and you wont ever lose me.". I smiled and reashed over to kiss her hand, she smiled and said "What did I ever do to deserve you?". I shook my hand and said "no, I'm the one who should ask that question. You are way to good for me yet here you are. Why?". She smiled and brushed her thump over the top of my hand and said "Because I love you. I love everything about you Madde. There isn't a part of you that I don't love.". I smiled and said "After everything I've done to you, caused you pain... How can you love me so much?". she smiled and said "Because all of that is forgotten. There is only you and me and no one else. The pain and horror is all gone and all that is left is love and that love is for you and you alone.". I gave her a shy smile and said "You are fantastic. I love you so much Zara.". I got up and walked over to her chair and put my hand behind her head to keep it in place and kissed her beautiful full lips. She smiled and we broke from the kiss and I looked into her beautiful blue eyes and said "I love you Zara Svensson.". She smiled and said "I love you too Madde Karlsson.", I smiled and gently brushed my lips against hers again and then I sat back down just in time for our food to be delivered to us. We thanked the waiter and dug into our food which was absolutley delicious! Of course Zara started to steal food from my plate and I just stared at her and said "Oi! Keep to your food miss!". She laughed and I gave her a grin and she said "But it looked so tasty.". I smiled and took some food on my fork and fed her and she just closed her eyes and enjoyed the taste of the food. I looked at her and couldn't help but smile, she even looks beautiful when she eats. I took my shoe off and slowly began to stroke my foot against her leg and she opened her eyes and just gave me a beautiful smile. Anyway after a while she said "So... what are we going to do in Sligo then?", I smiled and said "I don't know! All I know is that I have to hang out with the lads!". She smiled and said "I understand that. i bet they miss you.". I said "I sure as hell miss them and I hope they miss me as well.". she smiled and said "I know they do. Shane has tried to get you there for a while now.". I nodded and said "Yeah I know. Sooo... when are you going to go and see Nickys folks then?". She said "Well i've talked to shane and when we land in Dublin he will come and pick you up with the helicopter and I will go and visit them and then turn up in sligo that night or the day after.". I nodded and said "That sounds good.", she said "You know, you can come if you want to...". I shook my head and said with a low voice "I don't think that I'm their favorite person...". She said "They don't know you so they can't say anything.". I looked at her and said "They absolutly love you and I know they love their son... I broke it off between you so of course they hate me.". She sighed and said "No Madde. They don't hate you, like I said, they don't know you. If you come with you'll just show what an amazing woman you are and they'll understand how things could turn out the way they did...". I shook my head and said "nah... I think we'll go with the original plan, that I'll go to sligo first.". She nodded and said "If that's what you want.", I nodded and said "yeah and then I get to hang with the lads alone as well. Maybe go to the pub or something.". she smiled and said "Yeah, without your clinging girlfriend.". I laughed and said "Yeah exacly, I can never get rid of her so now I just have to take the chanse.". She laughed and said "I understand you.". I smiled and said "No.. I love having you around, I always want you around.", she smiled and said "Me too.". Then we finished our dinner and headed back to our hotel.

When we finally got up to our room Zara just walked in and sat down on the bed and rested because of the fact that I had forced her to walk up the stairs instead of taking the lift. I just smiled and closed the door behind me and walked over to her. I slowly brushed a lock of her hair back behind her ear and she looked up at me and gave me a soft, warm, loving smile and I bent down and pressed my lips against hers. I opened my mouth and let her tongue play with mine and she let out a low moan. While kissing me she pulled her legs up and stood un her knees on the bed and I slolwy let my fingers run over her bum and up to her back to find the zip and slowly open it. I felt her bare skin under my fingers as I ran my hands over her bare back and she began to undo my zip as well. Both our dresses fell over our bodys and hers landed on the bed and mine on the floor. I stepped out of it and pushed Zara down on the bed and took the dress and threw it on the floor. She laughed and I crawled over to her and began kissing her again. She ran her amazing hands over my bare back and with the hand that i wasn't holding myself up with slowly stroke her stomach up to her breast which I began to caress. Then I began to kiss her jawling, down her neck, over her chest and breasts and down her beautiful flat stomach. she ran her fingers through my hair and moaned. I smiled and continued to kiss and taste her stomach while my hand stroke up her thigh and reached the wetness between her legs. I smiled as she gasped for air in a loud moan as I slid two fingers in her and began to move them slowly. I ran my other hand over her gorgeous stomach and she took a hold of it and kissed and tasted it. I started to move my fingers faster and deeper and she moaned louder and louder. I smiled and went even faster and I culd feel her whole body tence up as she began to lift her hips so I could get even deeper. Her moans were really loud and after just a while she screamed out with pleasure and her body contracting and relaxing as she reached total ecstasy. When she relaxed again and tried to catch her breath I pulled my fingers out and kissed my way up to her full lips and kissed her softly and she smiled and ran her fingers through my hair and whispered "You are a godess.". I smiled and brushed some black hair away from her sweaty forehead and said "no baby, you are the godess, I'm meanly a servant of yours my lady.". She smiled and put her hand behind my neck and pulled me in for more kisses. She rolled us around and began to kiss her way down my chest and stomach while I just smiled and felt my skin burn where ever her lips and fingers touched my bare skin. She put her hands on my thighs and parted them and I felt a tingle between my legs as she kissed and licked even lower down on my stomach. I gasped for air as I felt her tongue down there and she let her fingers slide over my body. Then she slowly slid a few fingers in me and I moaned, closed my eyes and tilted my head back on the pillow and focused on feeling her around and inside of me. She kissed my stomach and it felt like my skin was on fire and it felt soooo good. I murmured her name and she peppered my stomach with kisses and I just moaned and gasped for air. I felt how close I was and moaned "Yes!" and she immediately moved her fingers deeper and faster and then my body began to pulsate as I rode the pleasure wave of my orgasm. When I relaxed again she took her fingers out and laid down next to me and I put my arm under her head and she cuddled closer to me. I kissed her forehead and said "I love you so much.". She cuddled even closer and whispered "I love you too.". I stroke her hair untill she fell asleep and then I fell asleep after just a short while.

When I woke up this morning I heard the shower running and the bed was empty so I took the opportunity and picked up my phone and rang Nicky. He picked up after a few tones and I said "Hey handsome!", he said "Hey beautiful! how are you?". I smiled and said "I'm feel great, what about you? I heard you had some trubble yesterday and called Tove..". He laughed and said "that's brillinat honey. Yeah I'm just fine but it's ahrd being the only parent home.. Yeah, I didn't know who else to call..". I nodded and said "It's okay. But you have to calm down Nicky, it's perfectly normal what is happening to your daughter.". He let out a long breath and said "Yeah I know it's just that I don't know how to handle it. I don't know if she wants to talk to me about stuff like that and the fact is that I don't know so much about that kind of stuff... It's girl stuff.". I laughed and said "I understand Nicky, don't worry. A womans body is a very complicated thing but it's nothing to be worried or scared of.". Then he said with a very cheeky voice "I'm never afraid of a womans fine curvy body.". I shook my head and said "Nico... what's up with the voice.". he laughed and said "Nothing, sorry.", I laughed and said "You are a very complicated man Nicky Byrne.". He laughed and said "Maybe so but you are a very complicated woman Madde Karlsson. Anyway, how does it feel to go to Sligo today then?". I let out a loud shriek and said "I can't wait!!!". Then both Nicky and i bursted out laughing and I think we were laughing for like two minutes. Then he said "I can understand that. Wish I could go too.". I said "Yeah I know Nicky.. But we'll go some other time yeah?". He said "Absolutly! We just have to.", I smiled and said "Yep. But hey, i have to go now... Zara is done in the shower and I really need one as well.". He said "okay. call or text me when you've landed in Sligo and don't worry about the flight, you'll be fine.". I smiled and said "thanks Nico. I'll do that and you take care of yourself, you hear?". He said "I will, I promise. Bye honey.", I smiled and said "Goodbye babe." and hung up just as Zara stepped out of the bathroom in just a towel. I got out of bed and walked over to her and said "Good morning beautiful". She smiled and said "Good morning.", I gave her a soft kiss and then I went to take a shower as well.

When I got out of there we went downstairs and ate our breakfast and then we had to go up and pack our bags and then it was time to check out and go to the airport as our flight left at 13.45. I was as always really nervous about the flight but there isn't so much I can do about that now is there.. Anyway the flight went as well as you could hope, we didn't crash so I'm happy but it was some horrible turbulence and that scared the shit out of me. Zara found me very imbarrassing but I don't care.

Anyway when we finally landed in Dublin and we stepped out of the plane I just felt the memories come back to me from my trip there with Nicky. The air smellt like the ocean and the sun was shineing on the winter landscape and it was just amazing. i smiled and Zara took my hand and said "I can tell that you are happy to be back.". I nodded and then we went to get our bags and then it was time to say goodbye since Zara was going to Nicky parents and I was heading to sligo. I gave her a big hug and a few kisses and said "I'll see you tomorrow yeah?". She nodded and kissed me again and said "I'm going to miss you.", I stroke her cheek and said "I'm going to miss you too.. I have to go now... Shane's waiting.". She nodded and I gave her a last kiss and then I turned around and headed to the place where the helicopters land and zara walked out of the airport. When I finally got there I immediately recognized the helicopter that was getting refuiled but I soon realized that it was empty. I sighed and stood there and waited until I heard Shanes amazing voice behind me "What is that beautiful creature standing out here in the cold for?". I turned around and smiled as I saw him in a grey coat and a light grey scarf and he looked absolutly gorgeous! I smiled and dropped my bag and ran over to him and threw myself in his arms. He swung me around and then we just stood there for a while hugging one another. It felt so good to see him again, I can't even begin to tell you how much I've missed him even though it's just been three week or so since we last saw each other. I pressed my lips against his cheek and he said "You look lovely darling! are you ready to go to sligo?". I just smiled and nodded and he picked up my bag and just then another man came walking over to us and reached out his hand to me to shake. I shook it and he siad "Hi, I'm Kenny and I'll be flying you guys to sligo.". I nodded and said "hi, well fly safely because I hate flying.". He smiled and said "I will, let's go.". So Shane jumped in and held out a hand to me and helped me onboard. We sat down next to each other and he helped me on with all the head phones and stuff and then we took off. I held shanes hand all the way to Sligo and when we finally landed I gladly jumped into shanes arms and stood down on the ground. Shane took my bag and together we walked towards the huge house and I just couldn't stop smileing, I was finally back there... My favorite place in the world together with some amazing friends! What could be better? When we came closer to the house we heard a dog barking and a girly scream and saw kaiser and Nicole running towards us. Kaiser just ran around us while Nicole ran straight into my arms and i picked her up and she just laughed and said "You're here!!!!". I smiled and said "Yes I am! It's so good to see you again nicole.". She kissed my cheek and said "You too! I've missed you Madde.", I smiled and said "I've missed you too sweetie.". I carried her the rest of the way to the house and put her down as we entered the hallway. We quickly got out of our clothes and then we heard more running feet and Patrick came inot the hallway to greet us. I smiled and squated down and he walked over to me and gave me a hug and I said "Hey handsome, how are you?". He gave me a shy smile and said "Good, how are you?". I smiled and said "I'm just brilliant sweetheart.", I let go of him and Shane and I walked into the huge kitchen where Gillian was prepering lunch. She smiled at me and gave me a warm hug and said "Hi Madde! It's so good to have you here again.". I smiled and hugged her back and said "It's so amazing to be back. I've missed you guys and this country so much!". She smiled and went back to her cooking as she said "We have all missed you so much to, especially Nicole and shane.". I gave shane a big smile and he put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me against him. I wrapped my arms around him and just smile and felt so at home. That man is just so amazing and Gillian has no idea how lucky she is. He is just so careing and generous and just brilliant. He is such a good friend and I owe him so much because of everything he has ever done for me. I felt how he pressed his soft lips against my head and then said "So... I invited kian, jodi, mark and kevin over for dinner tonight. Thought you might like to see them too.". i looked up at him and said "Realyl!? that's great! Yeah I really miss them. Wow now I can't wait.". he laughed slightly and then Nicole came in and said "Where is Nicky?", I sat down on a chair and picked her up and sat her down on my lap and said "He is at home.". She said "Why? is he coming here soon?". I shook my head and said "no he won't... he's at home with the kids but zara is coming here soon, tomorrow acctually.". She made a grumpy face and said "I want nicky here! Zara is no fun!". I laughed and said "Isn't it enough that I'm here then?", she said "But it's even more fun when you and Nicky are here. When you are here without him you just cry and are sad.". off course i went straight back to that week in August when I had left Nicky to go to sligo so he and zara could figure things out. I remember the pain i felt through that whole week... how hard it was... I bit my lower lip and shane tried to save me by saying "That's not true. And now Zara is here and Madde wont be sad again.". Nicole said "Good... I don't like to see you sad madde.". I said "thank you nicole... I don't like being sad either.". She nodded and then she got off my lap and ran off to her brothers. I felt shanes hand on my shoulder and I took it and squeezed it and then he said "Can I talk to you?". I looked at him and nodded and we walked through their huge house to my room and I just smiled when I saw that everything looked the same as last time I lived there. I sat down on the bed and pulled my legs up and Shane sat down opposit me and said "So how are you? Really?". I said "I am actually pretty good. I'm happy with Zara and I love her.". He said "But you miss Nicky sometimes?", I shurgged and said "I don't know... I suppose... I mean, he means so much to me and I've never loved a man like I loved him and it's not like I can just flick a switch and the feelings will go away but I'm not in love with him anymore. I just care about him and love him and that is something I always will do. That's like in my bones and is impossible to get out.". He nodded and said "I understand, I do. And of course you will always care and love him, I mean a person who doesn't understand that is just nuts. It's not like you would turn around and just simply hate or dislike the guy.". I nodded and said "Yeah exacly. But the thing people or should I say Tove complains about is that I don't know in which way I love him. If I still have feelings for him... sometimes I think i do but sometims it feels like we are just really close friends.". He nodded and took my hands and said "But you love Zara and want to be with her yeah?". I nodded but said in a low voice so he could hardly hear the words "But I almost kissed Nicky the other day...". He put a finger under my chin adn forced me to look at him and i felt tears burn behind my eyelids and he said "How come? what happened?". I shook my head free and let a tear fall down on our joined hands and said "It was when Tove and I made it clear that we were no longer friends and Nicky was there and helped me through that day and... He just understood and he said the things I wanted to hear, like always, and he said that he loved me for who I am good and bad stuff and... I was crying and... but we never kissed. our lips never touched and I feel so so bad about it.". He let go of my hands and wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer and I cried against his shoulder. He stroke my hair and said "Sweetheart... It was a mistake, everyone makes them and you didn't kiss him did you? And you regret it so.". I continued to cry but nodded against his shoulder and he said "Oh darling, you weren't suppose to cry.. Not this time. When you're finally here again.". I got out of his grip and dried my cheeks away from the salty tears and said sobbingly "I'm sorry. You're right. You have no ideahow happy I am to be back here.". He stroke my cheek and gave me a soft smile and his gorgeous brown eyes were full of compassion and he said "i know, you don't have to apologize. I'm here for you, all the time. Yeah well you have no idea how happy I am that you are back here. I've really missed you Madde.". I smiled and said "Thanks Shay. You are an amazing man you are.". He smiled and said "And you are an amazing woman you are Madde.". I smiled and gave him a big hug and i felt him brush his lips against my cheek and said "Don't let anyone tell you anything else.". I smiled and burried my face in his shoulder and we just sat there hugging for a while until my phone rang and it made us break our hug. I looked at the display and it said "The best J" I smiled and said "I have to get this.". shane nodded and left and I picked up the phone and said "Hey Jensen!". He said "Hey love! How are you? You in Sligo now or what?". I smiled and said "Yeah I am! It's so brilliant to be back here!". He laughed slightly nad siad "That's good, I'm happy for you.". I smiled and said "thanks Jensen. So how are you?", he sighed and said "I don't know. I'm good.". I wrinkled my eyebrows and said "Jensen.. what's wrong?", he sighed again and said "Nothing... It's just... eh, nothing.". I clenched my teeth and said "Is Tove home?", he said "No... she's at Sofies...". I felt the anger just bubble up inside of me and I just wanted to rip her heart out and throw it away! I said "What the fuck is her problem?!". He said "Well... if she wants to hang out with sofie then she should... I mean she is dying.". I said "Yeah and you were close to dying just a week ago! She should be at home with her husband who is finally home rather then run around partying all the time! I know that Sofie is dying and that is horrible and feel sorry for her but she isn't going to die today and Tove can spare on day to hang out with you.". He was quiet for a while and then said "Maybe... I just... It's her choise.", I shook my head and said "Jensen, you are being to fucking sweet for your own good.". He said "What am I going to do? Like I said, it's her choise.". I sighed and said "Maybe so.. I swear to god, if you were my husband and all this would have happened I wouldn't leave your side for a second.". He said "Thanks Madde. You are a really good friend.", I smiled and said "And so are you Jensen. I care about you a lot and love you just as much. I hate to see you hurt, you should know that by now.". He said "I care about you too and love you too. I know.. thanks.". I said "I know. So.. what are you up to now?". He said "Not so much. I'm going to watch a movie with Maja soon becuase she was bored but I said that I had to make an important phonecall first.". I said "Oh but then I'm not going too keep you. I can talk to you later if you have to make that important phonecall now.". He laughed and said "It was to you silly.", I smiled and said "Naw, thanks.". He said "So how's zara?". I said "Good I think. She is still in Dublin to go and see Nickys parents...". He said "I see, how come you didn't go with?". I said "I don't think I'm wanted there... i don't think they are my biggest fans.". He said "Why not?", I said "Because of everything that has happened between me and nicky and zara... They absolutly love zara and... yeah well no parents-in-law likes me very much becuase mostly I just hurt their kids...". He said "That's not true. Jareds parents love you.". I let out a laughter without any joy and said "Yeah two out of? How many? that's a good thing about my realtionship with Zara, we have the same parents..". He said "Honey, they do love you and I doubt that they are alone. anyone would be a fool not to love you.". I said "now you are just trying to make me feel better.". He said "No I'm not. I'm telling you facts okay?". I smiled and said "Tahnks Jensen. You are realyl amazing. I love you.", he said "So are you. I love you too darling.". I smiled and then he said "By the way! Do you know what Tove meant by "you and madde seemed very cozy yesterday"?". I said "No! I have no idea what the heck she is talking about! She thinks we talk to much... I ahve no idea what she's playing at.". He said "No because she just said that yesterday when I was about to call you and I had no idea what she was talking about.". I said "I know, she wrote that in the blog and then she wrote "Jensen and Madde talked like three times yesterday, what's up with that all of the sudden? i know they are friends but no friends that talk three times a day and now apparently he have to call her again...".". He said "Really?! she wrote that?", I just said "Yeah." and he said "so what? Now we can't call each other? God this is driving me mad... what's going on with her?". I sighed and said "i don't know Jensen... I'm sorry... maybe you should talk to her?". He said "Yeah... maybe...". I nodded and then I said "You know what... Go and watch the movie with Maja and try not to think about this and if you need to talk tonight just call. I'll always pick up okay?". He said "okay I will. Thanks Hun.". I nodded and said "No problem. I'm always here for you. bye.".

I hung up and went downstairs and we ate some lunch and after that I mostly just played with the kids and Shane which was really fun. I've missed those kids and shane so much, I can't believe I let Tove keep me at home when I wanted to be here. I will never do that again, if I want to go to sligo then I will. I'm tired to try and make everyone happy, I'm going to focus on my happiness... that's what's important. And right now, I'm happy. Anyway during this time I also had time to give Zara a call and hear what she was doing and she was just fine, they had gotten really happy to see her and they where just sitting and talking at the moment.

Anyway when it was about an hour before dinner I ran upstairs, took a quick shower and ot into something a little bit nicer then my top and jeans that I flew in. I mean it's just a bit nicer to look good when you have dinnerguests eventhough they are good friends of ours. anyway, I went downstairs again and was met by Shanes bum as I entered the livingroom because he was cleaning off the table. I smiled and tilted my head to get a better look and said "Hey sexy arse.". He turned around and laughed and said "Hi beautiful. Stop checking my ass out.". I smiled with my tongue between my teeth and he just shook his head and said "Can you please take that toy to Nicoles room?" pointing at a little toy horse. I smiled and picked up the toy and headed up to nicoles room with it. When I came back downstairs I heard the door open and voices comeing from the hallway. I quickly made my way over there and saw Mark, kevin, jodi and Kian standing there. I shrieked out and ran inte Kians arms and he just laughed and kissed my cheek and said "Hey beautiful!". I smiled and looked at him and said "Hey sexy!", he laughed and pulled me close for another hug and said "i've missed you darling.". I smiled and buried my face in his neck and said "Missed you too Kino.". Then we heard Mark say "Hey, can't I have some of that?". I smiled and let go of Kian and looked at mark and just smiled, he smiled back and held out his arms to me. I walked straight into them and wrapped my arms around him and squeezed him hard. He said "It's so good to see you again love.". I smiled and said "You too Marky. I've missed you.". He kissed my cheek and said that he had missed me too. Then we let go of each othernad I agve Kevin and Jodi a hug each as well and then we all sat down in the livingroom, well except for jodi who went to the kitchen to helt Gillian. Shane made everyone a drink and we sat down and chatted for a while but then I thought that it would be smarter if I blogged now thn to do it when they had all left so here I am blogging but i'm also chatting with my friends. I'm drinving them mad with my typing so they are going to be really happy that i'm done now. So this is me, signing off for now from Sligo! You'll hear from me another day but first you will hear from that thing named Tove who can't see a good thing when she has it.

Take care
Love
Madde

Make up your mind!

2010-01-23T14:19:00.000-08:00

Hiya!
Well Madde thinks I'm a bitch like always and she thinks I should have a big preperd explination why I went out with Sofie that evening, it's just so easy that Sofie needed me and I want to be her friend and be there for her those last month.. so I don't care what Madde thinks about me she can call me whatever she wants I don't care what she have to say anymore or want since she haven't cared in a whole year what I have said to her so why should I listen now when we are not even freind?

But let just start to talk about mine and Sofies night out as I had promise I wouldWhen I had found a black beautiful short dress with a low cut back and a pair of high heels, I packed a bag with my makeup, my clothes and some jewellery and some other things. Then I went downstairs where I found the rest of my family talking to Jensen and how it feels for him to be home. I walked into the living room where all of them was sitting, Jensen had My and Dennie in his lap and I walked over to him and placed a hand on his sexy neck and gently stroke it. He looked at me and I smiled and said “ I’m going now. “ He didn’t do anything just looked at me and I said “ It’s okay with you right that I’m going out? “ He said “ You are an grown woman so you can do whatever you want to it's your decision. When are you coming home?” I said “ I don’t know...probably late. “ He nodded and I said “ I really have to go now. Have a great night. “Everyone was looking at me with a weird expression on their faces but I didn’t have the time to care. I bend down and gave Dennie and My a kiss on their cheeks, then I gave Jensen a fast kiss and said bye and left. I took the car and drove over to Sofies apartment. I knocked on the door and Sofie opened and she looked so happy and healthy hard to see she was sick at all, she gave me a big hug and told me to come in. Then Oliver and Alvin came running and I bend down and both of them throw them self around my neck and hugged me and I just smiled. Alvin said “ Can’t we go to that playground again and eat ice cream? “ I smiled and said “ Sure, maybe someday this week. Maybe mum will come with us then and maybe my little sister My. “ They smiled and Sofie said “ Go to dad now and watched that movie. “ They ran off and I said “ Jims home? “ She nodded and I said “ Then I finally get to meet him..” she said “ Don’t leave me when you have meet him?” I took her hand and said “ I would never do that. “ She smiled slightly and we walked into to the living room and they were sitting in the sofa. He stood up when he saw us and walked over to us he shook my hand and said his name was Jim and he said “ You must be Tove, so nice to finally meet you. “ I said “ You too.. “ Sofie said “Should we go and get ready? “ I nodded and we walked into their bedroom and she said “ He have never been that nice towards any of my friends before..” I said “ Weird.. “ Then she smiled and said “ Is Jensen coming home tomorrow?” I said “ No he came home today. “ She looked at me with big eyes “ You should be with your husband!” I said “ I need to go out yes and have some fun and we have never been out before. “ She looked at me and said “ Are you sure? “ I smiled and nodded. So we started to get ready, I started to fix my makeup and when I was in the middle putting on blusher when she said irritated “ I hate having cancer!! “ I looked at her and said “ I know honey..it must be so hard to know that you are dying..” She looked at me and said “ No, not that! Not to have any fucking eyelashes or eyebrows and I can’t get these fucking false eyelashes on so it looks good! “ I started to laugh and said “ You are dying and you are worried about your false eyelashes, and calm down woman let me help. “ She just looked at me angry and I walked over to the bed and sat down and she did the same I put them on and she looked great and she said “ Can you help me with my wig too? I’m terrible to get it on since I almost never wear it.” I smiled and nodded and got up and took her golden blonde wig and gently ran my fingers throw it and I knew she would look so beautiful. I put it on her bald head and fixed it so it was straight and she looked absolutely amazing, I had never seen her in her wig before and I just smiled and I moved her hair to her left shoulder and touched her tattoo she has in her neck it's a beautiful butterfly, and she looked abousltly amasing. She looked at me and said “ What? “ I just shrugged and she said “ What? Doesn’t it look bad? Do I look sick? “ I shook my head and said “ No..you look absolutely gorgeous, so beautiful.. you are too young to die...” She took my hand and said “ Tove we are going to have fun tonight okay? “ I smiled and nodded she kissed my for head and we continued getting ready. I put on my dress and my shoes and I looked at Sofie and she smiled and said “ Wow...You look amazing! “ I smiled and she put on a pair of jeans and a tight top with a lot of cleavage and a pair of high heels and I said “ Are you going to let top pop out. “ She laughed and I said “ But you look amazing...but so different with your hair. “ She smiled and said “ Ready? “ I smiled and nodded she gave me a hug and we walked out to the guys in the sofa and Oliver looked at me and said “ Wow! “ I laughed and said “ Wow good or wow bad? “ He smiled and said “ Defiantly wow good. “ I smiled and Jim walked over to us and looked at Sofie and tried to give her a kiss but she just turned her head away so he looked at me instead and said “ I have to agree with my son, you look amazing..both of you. “ I just said “ Thanks, Sofie shall we? “ She smiled and nodded and Alvin and Simon gave both of us a hug and we said bye and left.

When went to the club where Lars works and we walked over to one of the bars and Lars smiled when he saw me and Sofie smiled and said “ Guys are all ready checking you in. “ I laughed and said “ No that’s Lars my friend. He was a bartender at my wedding. “ When we got to the bar he smiled and said “ Great to see you here. I have missed you!” I smiled and said “ This is my friend Sofie, and this is Lars. “ They shook hands and Lars smiled and said “ You ladies look amazing tonight. “ Sofie laughed and said “ How the hell are you calling ladies?” He laughed and then he looked at me and said “ I like her. “ I smiled andsaid “ Me too. “ Then he said “ So where do you have Miss Karlsson then? “ I shrugged and said” I don’t know.. “ He looked at me confused I just sign and said “ We..we are not friends anymore. “ He said “ Again?!” I said “ This time it’s for real.. please just let this go will you? “ He nodded and said “ A drink? “ I smiled and said “ Or two? “ He laughed and made us both a drink and then a man walked over to the bar and started to talk to Lars. Lars smiled and said “ Tove, Sofie this is my best pal Kristian. “ He was really handsome I must say and I shook his hand and said “ I have heard much about you. “ He looked at me confused and I laughed and said “ From Zara..” He laughed and said “ Oh you are Zara and Maddes friend.” I said “ Something like that.. But it’s nice to finally meet you. “ He smiled and said “ Are Zara still with Madde? “ I said “ Yeah sorry man. “ He smiled and said “ Can I offer you girls another drink? “ We smiled and said “Yes please” Then Sofie said to Kristian “ Was you and Zara couple? I thought she was with Nicky before Madde.. “ He said “ No, we were friends. “ she nodded and I laughed and said “ Sofie here is Zaras biggest fan..oh sorry her second biggest fan because Madde is her biggest. “ They laughed and Sofie said “ What? She is gorgeous! And now when I have meet her she is really sweet. “ Kristian said “ Yes she is, she is amazing.. I just have to ask are you gay? “ we laughed and Sofie said “ No! I’m a photographer so I have always been impressed by her work. “ He nodded and said to Lars “ Look who’s here. “ He nodded towards a guy a cross the room and Sofie said “ You know Felix?” We all looked at her and she said “ That’s my brother. “ Lars said “ Seriously?! The is so freaky!” She looked at me and said “ Wait here you got to meet him. “ Kristian said “ I come with you it was ages ago I meet your brother. “ They walked away and Lars smiled and said “ Why have I never heard anything about Sofie before? “ I said “ Because I meet her for a couple of weeks ago. “ He said “ She seems really nice. “ I smiled and said “ She is..she understands me in so many ways especially when it comes to being sick and we are just much alike. “ He said “ She had cancer too? “ I said “ No, she have cancer now.. and she is dying and will be death in a few month from now...” I almost could feel how my heart stopped when I said that and he looked me chocked and after a few seconds he said “ I..I don’t know what to say..I’m so sorry..she looks so healthy and she is so young... I can’t believe this..” I sign and said “ Me neither...” Then I drank up my drink and looked at Lars and he said “ Do you need another? “I nodded and he fixed me another and I just took a sip then he said “ But I won’t let you drink to much because I’m still Maddes friend and now Jensens too. And I bet even thought you and Madde are fighting she doesn’t want to see you death or sick again.” I said “ Don’t be so sure about that..”he said “ What did you then do? “ I just looked at him and he said “ Isn’t the bartender here to listen when someone wants to compile? “ I said “ I thought the bartender was there to make drinks and remember I don’t want to talk you are just nosy and wants to know. “ He smiled slightly and said “ True...so? “ I said “ Well this time I didn’t do anything she did...but I can’t blame all this on her it’s both of our fault, it’s kind of expected after this year so it’s just as much my fault as hers. But what she said this time was just too much. “ He nodded and then Kristian And Sofie came back with Felix, He said hello to Lars and asked how he was doing, Then he looked at me and I have to say he was pretty handsome man, he introduced himself to me and said “ So nice to finally meet you. I have to thank you for taking care of my little sister. She really needs you and I have heard so much about you. “ I smiled and said “ Thanks but she helps me more then I have ever helped her trust me. “ Sofie said “ That is not true. “ I smiled and kissed her cheek and Felix smiled and looked at my drink that was empty again and said “ Can I buy you a drink? “ I smiled and said “ Sure. “ I got my drink and it tasted amazing and he took a beer and sat down next to me and all of us started to talk. Then a few other guys came and sat down with us too and started to talk and one of them called Jake was flirting with Sofie and she was flirting back, I just looked at her and she smiled back. Then I said to Felix “ Your sister seems to have fun. “ He just laughed then he said “ Do you want to dance? “ I smiled and said “ I would love too. “ I looked at Sofie and said “ Do you mind? “ She said “ No go for it, if you weren’t married I would tell you to do what you want I don’t care along as I don’t have to hear about it.” I just laughed.We went out on the dance floor and started to dance and it was so much fun and he was really good

After a while we sat down in a sofa to breathe again and he said “When Sofie talked about you she never told me that you where this beautiful. “ I smiled and said “ Thanks. “ He stroke away some hair from my face and said “ How are you doing? “ I said “ About what? “ He just looked at me and I sign and said “ I don’t know... she is so happy so I feel guilty that I’m sad and scared...and maybe even angry.. But I’m suppose to ask you how you are doing you are her brother I’m just her friend. “ He said “ Tove you are not just her friend...Sofie haven’t had that many friends and after she meet you she have changed to a much happier person you have done so much for her and her boys really loves you and I think it’s good that they have you to get away from the family... so you are not just a friend you are her best friend. “ I smiled and he said “ And about me I feel the same as you do...I don’t want to bring herd down with me to this sad place... I’m her big brother and I’m suppose to protect her from everything, you understand right you are the oldest? “ I said “ Yeah I understand.. if something would happened to my siblings a part of me would always blame myself. “ He said “ Exactly.. “ I took his hand and said “ This is not your fault and she doesn’t want you to feel that way. “ He stroke my cheek and said “ I know... it’s...just hard.. “ Then he slowly lean in towards me and I just turned away my head and said “ When she talked about me she must have also forgotten to tell you that I’m married. “ He backed away and said “ I’m so sorry! “ I smiled and said “ It’s okay. “ he said “ After a horrible divorce two years ago I’m really bad at this...I’m so sorry. “ I said “ You are not bad at flirting trust me. “ He smiled and said “ Thanks, and you really are beautiful. “ I just smiled and he said “ Do you want to dance again? “ I nodded and we went up on the dance floor where we meet Sofie and Jake, I gave her a hug and we all started to dance. Then Felixs phone rang and he walked away and picked up and when he came back he looked at me and said “ I have to go...a friend is in the hospital. But I would love to meet you again Tove...and maybe bring your husband? “ I said “ Of course I would love too. You should go to your friend now, and I see you later. “ He smiled and kissed my cheek and he gave Sofie a big hug and ran off. Sofie looked at me and said “ Did he try to kiss you? “ I nodded and she just laughed and shook his head then we continued dancing and another guy started to dance with me and got really close. After dancing for a while me and Sofie went to the bar and took a few shots and Sofie was staring to get really drunk so I took a few more then I could feel how I started to let go and have fun. We got more and more guys around us at the dance floor and we was having such a good time. After a few more shots a guy lifted up Sofie on one of the empty bars and she just smiled and started to dance and all the guys hollered and I just laughed and then a guy looked at me and said “ You should get up there too. “ I just shook my head and he shouted out “ Let’s get this beaty up there too. “ Sofie looked at me with drunk eyes and waved like she wanted me up there. The guys lifted me up and me and Sofie started to dance with each other and she started to slowly undress herself, she took of her top so she was just wearing her bra and the guys was screaming like crazy I just looked at her and said laughing “ what are you doing? “ She smiled and said “ What? “ I’m going to cut them off soon so let me show them off and have fun. “ I just laughed and shook my head and continued dancing. She placed her hand on my bare back to pull me closer and we danced really close and she smiled at me and then all of the sudden she started to kiss me, first I was so surprised but then I started to kiss her back with my hand touching her bare side and we could hear all the guys. When we let go of each other we just looked at each other and laughed then we continued dancing. Then all of the sudden I saw a bra flying down on the men and I looked at Sofie and she was topless and she smiled and said “ Like I said they are gone soon so let me show them of and enjoy them. “ Then a guy yelled to me to take my clothes of too and I just shook my head and then anoher yelled “ Kiss each other!” I looked at Sofie and she just grabbed me and started to make out with me again and I slowly moved my hand up to her boob and moved my hand over it and when our lips parted she looked at me and smiled. But then the clock was 5 and the club was closing so Sofie got dressed and we said bye to Lars and called after a cab and went home to Sofie. We tried to be quit which was hard to not wake the guys up, when we had gotten into the apartment we saw both of the boys and Jim in the sofa sleeping. So Sofie said “ Let’s take the bed. “ I smiled and we closed the door and both of us started to laugh and talk meanwhile we tried to get undressed into our underwear but just when I was about to take of my dress I realized that I didn’t have a bra on and I looked at Sofie and she just laughed and said “ Who cares! “ I looked at her then I striped down to my panties and she was wearing her bra and panties and we crawled down in bed and we feel a sleep after a while.

Last night I also spend with Sofie drinking and laughing at her place and since it got pretty late I didn’t want to wake Jensen up when I got home so thought I should just sleep at Sofies again especially since Jim that idiot was out again We woke when Oliver and Alvin ran into the room and jumped up on the bed and yelled “ Mum, Tove wake up!” I looked at them with tired eyes and So did Sofie and I could see how hangover she was. Then Oliver said “ Tove why are you naked? “ I looked down a little and saw that the cover was down at my waist and I was showing my boobs up, I quickly pulled it up and looked at Sofie and said “ Sorry... I just flashed your kids. “ She laughed slightly and said “ They will survive. “ I asked how she was doing and she just gave me a meaningful glare and I just laughed. Then Oliver crawled down in the middle of us and Alvin on my other side, it was actually pretty cosy. But after a few minutes I need to go to the bathroom and I looked at Sofie and said “ Can I borrow something from you? “ She nodded and I got up and took a pillow to cover up my boobs and opened her wardrobe and took a big t-shirt on and went out to the bathroom. Then I went to the kitchen to get some coffee and apparently Jim was home and sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee and reading the paper and he smiled and said “Good morning! Coffee? “ I nodded and sat down at the table and he poured up a cup and gave me and I said with a weak voice thanks. He said “ It looks like you had a great night. “ I said “ We did. “ Then my phone rang and I looked at the display and I got really surprised because the name was Nicky. I answered and he said “You sounds tired! What have you and Jensen been doing all night? “ I said Me and Sofie had a girl night in.. What’s up? I know you are not calling just to ask me how I was doing.” He said “You’re right I was wondering if you maybe can talk to Kim or help her...since her mum is away and Madde too.. “ I said “About what? “ He said “ She have a women problem and need...tampongs or something...Oh god she is to young for that... But anyway I have no idea what kind our size or whatever...” I laughed a little because he sounded so desperate and said “ Nicky you live with four women you should know something about tampons. “ He said “ Well when Zara used tampons she always wrote down what she wanted but that was like ages ago! “ I laughed and said “ I be there in a while. “ He said “ Can you drive? “ I said “ Yeah I just need some more coffee then I will be fine. See you soon.bye. “ “Yeah,Bye” We hang up and I walked into the bedroom agian and found Alvin and Oliver in the bed next to there mother, I smiled and said" I need to go, Nicky called..." She said " Nicky? Wasn't that the guy you want to kill? " I nooded and said " Yes but his and Zaras daughther needs me, Kim as women problem. " Sofie smiled and said " Oh then you really should go. She needs you. " I tured around from them and took on my bra and the rest of the clothes I had been wearing last night. Then I walked over to the bed and kissed Sofies cheek and said " Call you later, love you. " She smiled and said " Love you to honey. " Then I have the boys a hug and said bye and left.

I drove over to the Byrne and Svensson house and knocked on the door and Nicky opend and he gave me a hug and said " Thank you!" I just looked at him and laughed then I said "How is everything around here then? " He said " I have to give it to Zara that she can take care of our kids all alone, I don't know how she handel it! They have been away for 24 hours and all of them have been fighting with each other about everything and whatever I say they always get angry with me because they think I take a side! Seriosly how those Zara do this?! She is amazing!" I laughed and said " Yes she is because I don't get how she dose it either. She is a great mum and would do anything for them and she must have some special gift or something. " He said "I think so too! She must know something I don't. " I just laughed at him and pated him on the back and we walked into the kitchen and he said " You looked tired. " I said " Well I'm tired but it was all worth it. " He nodded and said " What about Jensen then? " I said " Come on! Not you too Nicky!!" He said " What? No, I was just wondering how it feels that he is home agian.." I was just about to say something then Kim walked into the kitchen and Nicky said to her " I thought you and Tove could go and fix everything you need. " Kim just sign and said " Whatever.." Nicky said " And change that attitude please. " She looked at him and sign again and said " Sure.. sorry dad." Then we walked out to the car and I started to drive heading towards the store. I looked at Kim and said " Don't you want to talk to your dad about this things? " She shugged and said " I don't mind, it's dad that is uncomftorble. " I laughed and said " Men! " She laughed and said " Oh yeah! " I said " Your first time? " She nodded and said " Yeah but it's not that big of a deal. I just wish mum was home so she could calm dad down.." I nodded and said " I hope you all are nice to your dad now. " She said " We are it's just that it's diffrent when he is home with us... we always fight I don't know why we just do. " I nodded and then we was their.

We walked into the store and we walked over to the protections and she looked aruond and took a box and I said " You are sure you are going to start with tampongs? " She nodded and said " Yeah I'm not so scared of me. " I nodded and we staretd to walked towards the cheack out desk and on our way there it was a few guys in Kims age a few meters infront of us and she said " Those gose in my school, I knew a efw of them well. " I saíd " Do you want me to take the box if you think it's embarassing? " She just said" No I'm fine. " We walked by the guys and one of them said loud and teasfully " Kimberly what are you buying?! Have you become gross too! " Kim tured around and looked at him and said " Just because I'm more mature then any of you! " They laughed and said " Red pants!" Kim just walked closer to them and I could see she was pissed off and I think the guys acutlly got a little scared because they looked a few steps back but they where still laughing and I could see that it wasn't far that she would hit someone of them or all of them. So I just grabbed her arm and said " Kim let's go!" She nodded and said " Fine! " She stepped a few steps back and the giys looked more confident again and Kim just said angry " Go to hell all of you!!" Then she turned around and I looked at her and said " Calm down! I don't want to make that call to your mum and tell her that you got into a fight..But I have to say you reminds me alot about Zara when she was young.. not scraed of anything or saying anything and belive your own oppition. " Kim said " Mum who would never hurt anyone. " I said " Well she have change a bit.. and you are scarly alike her both on the outside and inside. " then it was our turn to pay and we walked back to the car and started to drive home and I said " But it's good that you can stand up for yourself...but fighting is never the solution. " She said " I know.. how was you in my age? " I said " I was a geek that everone love to pick on and toss around. I was scared and had no self confidence at all, so I hated the breaks because that meant they would bully me, but I was really lucky that I had Madde she was my hero without her I would't be her now I think. But I liked school aslong as we had classes and I loved to study..so I wasn't like you are. " She said " No...I'm like the most popular girl in school both by the guys and girls... I like it I do.. but sometimes I hate it too because it's hard to know if they want to be my freind because of me or just because of my..parents.." I said " I can understand that, but I think you will learn more and more who your real freinds are that always show. " She nodded and I said " So how are things with your boyfreind then? " She smiled and said " Me and Jimmy are just good." I smiled and said " That's good, so what are you going to do tonight then? " She said " I'm going to go to a friends party I think, but I'll see. " I nodded and said " You will be careful right? " She sign and said " Yeah sure, now you are starting to sound like my mum. " I said " I'm just worried about you. Will you be drinking? " she said " I'm 12. " I said " I know and soon 13 but you still didn't answer my qustion.. " she said " We are soon home so you can just drop me of here so it will be closer for you. " I said " I drive you home don't worry about it. " I stopped outside of their house and she said " Thanks for the ride, see ya. " I took her hand before she stepped out of the car and said " Kim if something happend don't ever be scared of calling your dad he might me angry but that is just because he loves you so much. Vut if you feel you can't call him then call me or Sara or anyone. Don't be scared to call we will be their because we love you and are worried about you. So don't has hesitate to call, can you promise me that? " She sign and nodded and said goodbye. I watched her go inside again and I have to say I'm worried about her I mean it's a lot that have happend in her life this past year...

When I got home I heard voices from the livingroom so I walked over there and saw mum siting and talking to two women that I had never seen before, when mum saw me she waved me over so I walked over there and shook hands with the women and they said they were from socialservises and they where here about Maja. I sat down and mum said " Maja will be staying with us intill the jury have desided what will happend. " I smiled and said " That's great! When is she coming here? " mum smiled and said " Today in an hour our so. " I nodded and the women said they had too go and they would drop Maja off soon. When they left I said " Thank god they are letting her move away from Eddie! Not a day to earily. " Mum said " I know... so on monday they will start to dig after everything they can find about me and Johan and the rest of this family because I said to them that I would love to have costody of her if she wanted to. " I smiled and gave mum a hug and we talked a while longer then I walked upstairs. I have to say it feels really good that my little sister will come and stay with us and hopefully she can stay forever that just makes me feel better that she is in good hands again

Well anyway I walked into mine and Jensens room and he was lying in bed resting with Dennie on his cheast and they looked so cute together I walked over to him and gave him a kiss then he said " Where have you been all night...again? " I said " I sleeped over at Sofies since we had been drinking. You don't mind right? I mean you where with jared last night and so on. " He said " So did you have fun? " I laughed and said " Yeah I had the best time ever! We laughed and talked and cried alittle so yeah it was great. I know we just have like know each other for a couple weeks but it feels like we just understand each other. " He nodded and said " Good for you then. " I looked at him and he looked sad or something so I said " What's up with you? " He shook his head a little and said " Nothing... " I nodded and said " So how was your and Jares evening then? " he said " It was good like always we had a great time with beer and food. " I nodded and he said " I'm just going to go and give Madde a call. " I said " About that what you two seemed cozy yesterday.."Jensen stood up and said " What? What are you talking about? " I shugged and said " I'm taking a shower. " I walked into the shower and it feel so good to feel the water pouring over my body. Jensen and Madde talked like three times yesterday what's up with that all of the sudden? I know they are freind but not freinds that talk three times a day and now apprently he have to call her again..

When I was done I got dressed and fixed my hair and make up and after an hour I was done. Then I walked downstairs and heard alot of voices in the livingroom and I walked over there and saw the whole family except Jensen sitting in the sofa, I looked even closer and saw some red wavy hair I smiled and said" Good to see you again little sis. " She tured around and smiled when she saw me then she rused over to me and gave me a big hug, I kissed her hair and said " I missed you so much honey.So how are you doing? " She said " I have missed you too. Right now I feel absolutly fantastic! " I looked at her and said " I'm glad to hear that and I'm so happy you are here and okay. " I kissed her forhead and gave her another hug and we just stood there holding each other for a while. Then we heard a happy voice say " Hey you! " we let go of each other and Maja ran into Jensens arms and hugged him both of them was really happy to see each other and Maja said " You are not sick now right? I have been so worried.. " Jensen stroke her cheek and said " No I'm doing just fine sweeity don't worry about me. " Maja nodded and when they let go we all sat down in the sofa and Maja was holdning Dennie in her arms, I just smiled when I looked at them. Then mum said happy " So Maja do you remeber what you promised me when you left two weeks ago? " Maja said " Yeah that I would think about how I wanted my room to look like.. " mum said " Exatlly..so what do you have in mind? " She looked down on Dennie and said shy " It dosn't matter I'm happy as long as I can be here..I don't need anything more. I'm so grateful for everything you do.. " Mum walked and sat down next to her and took her hand and said " Honey don't worry about it, I love to have you here. You are not any problem you are a blessing and we are so glad to have you in this family. " Maja looked at mum carefully and smiled slightly then mum said " And every young girl need her own room and space that she love and that is special for her, so she can feel safe and have some where to think. So what about that room, what's your favorite colour? " She said shy"Brown and pink..." mum smiled and said " That will be beautiful. " Maja nodded and I said " Me and Jensen are going to town to find things to our apartment, maybe you want to come and we can find things to your room? " she said " If I'm not to much trubble... " Jensen said " Honey not at all, we can need some advice and help, so please come with us. " She smiled and said " Okay. " I said " So shall we go right the way? " she nodded we said goodbye and sat down in the car and she said " It feels like ages ago I was here not just two weeks.. but I'm glad to be here agian. " I said " We are happy you are here again." Then I looked at Jensen and said " What did Madde say? " he said " She didn't pick up.." I nodded then we talked about everything or nothing while Jensen was driving.

In town we began to look at wallpaper for Majas room and after a whiles serching we found a wallpaper to her back wall it was a brown background with pink and white flowers and I know it will look great. Then we went to a electoronic store for our apartment, right maybe I should tell you that before Jensen got sick we was out looking for wallpapers and tile and we found what we wanted for all the bedrooms, the kithen, livingroom and for one of the bathrooms so we hired some guys to do the work so that is allredy fixed just a few more room to go but we decied to look at other things then wallpapers today so we will take that some other day.Well anyway since we was going to look at things to our kithen Jensen wasn't so intressted so he went to look at a tv instead mean while me and Maja walked around in the heaven of fridges and ovens. I found a big beautiful oven that I totally loved,and a fridges and when I had found everything from the microwave to the celing fan I looked at Maja and said " Should we find Jensen? " She nodded then she said carefully " Are you two fighting? " I looked at her and said " No...why do you think that? " She shugged and said " It's just that you are not like you use to be.. that's all. " I said " What do you mean sweety? " She said " Well for two weeks ago you where all cuddly and could barely keep your hands of each other and now... I don't know.. let's go and find Jensen. " Then she walked away from me towards the tvs and I had no idea what she was talking about.. We found Jensen and he had found a tv so I just agreed and that he had found a tv to Majas room too so when we had paid everything and they said they would be there this week to install everything we left to look at bathroom supplises to mine and Jensens apartment and to Majas bathroom. I can tell you that we have a huge bathroom with shining white floor and black walls, well anyway we found everything we needed from a toilet to a beautiful jacuzzi and we found vereything for Majas bathroom too. It's so fun to shop when you find what you need right the way, I love it! Then beds we found a great bed for Maja and we started to look for beds to me and Jensen. After a little serching and trying we found a bed we both loved it was abouslty amazing but it was special made so it would take a few weeks to get it, we order it so we just have to wait, but those who waits for something good never wait too long, right? Anyway we started to look on guest beds and we found one we liked and that would be in our apartment next week, then we found a big cozy sofa that we bought too and when we had found vereything Maja needed we decied to go home and do the rest some other day since Jensen get's tired so easily this days..

Well at home Maja went to take a shower and me and Jensen walked upstairs and I lied down in bed with Dennie next to me and started to read my book or tried anyway since I was tired and had a bad head ache. Jensen looked at me and said " I'm taking a shower. " I smiled and said " You do that, don't drown. " He said " Maybe you want to join me?" I smiled slightly and said " I have sucj a bad head ache and I'm really tired, sorry.. " He nodded and said " But you know sex helps against head ache." I said " I know.. but I'm to tired I'm sorry. Maybe tomorrow.." He nodded and walked into the bathroom and then all of the sudden my phone rang so I picked it up and on the display it stood Zara so I answerd and she happly said hello and asked how I was doing and I said I was gine just tired, I asked how she was doing and she said " I'm great! I love Madde and I love Paris and those together is just amazing!" I smiled and said " That sounds good, so how dose your modeling go? " She said happy " Really good.. I think. I have to say I have missed it a lot and it was so much fun to have a photoshoot med Madde! " I said " I know you have good to be back then. I bet it was and the picturs will probly be amazing since you are so beautiful both of you. " She said " I hope so and I hope Madde enjoied it too even thought I could see she was nervious. " I said " I think she had fun.. So you have wrk when you ger home if you want too? " She said " okay? " I laughed and said " Maja is staying here now intill they have decied what will happend but hopefully she will stay because she need a family. Anyway we was looking for wallpaper today to her room and found some beautiful once and since you love everything with design to do even the pu up the wallpaper part I bet you want to do this like always..." She said happy" I would love too! " I laughed and said " I know you would, it's one of those things you suprise everone with because you don't seems like that kind of person but you are with painting and all that. alot of suprsised and talking about that you speach french I have heard. " She laughed and said " I know but it's just so much fun! Love design in every way. So you have heard that throw the blogg I bet, and I'm not that good I do understand what they are saying and okay I can speach pretty good too." I said " You have alot of hiden talents woman." She laughed then I said " so have you been shopping anything then? " She said " I acutlly got Madde into a few stores earlier this morning and I found some tops and a amazing dress that I love, but the best part was that I found some amazingly beautiful rings that I fell in love with! They where big and with diffrent stones and shape I love them!!" I laughed and said " You and your rings.. the bigger the better right? " She laughed and said " oh yeah! even better if it have a huge diamond too. I'm acutally wearing three of them right now!" I laughed and said " Of course you are. So where is your girlfreind then? " She said " In the shower at the moment, then I have asked her out on a romantice dinner and then I have some other things planed. I just hope she likes my romantice date for her, I just want to show her how much I appreciate her and everything she dose for me and how thankful I'm to have her in my life and of course how much I love her. I can honestly say that I'm finally happy again for real. " I smiled and said " I'm happy for you.. both of you, and I bet she will love your date. " she said " Thanks. I remebere after me and Madde had told everyone about or little prank that we wasn't a couple we talked and she said to me that maybe Nicky was the one for me and back then I just thought that was crazy since I been with him for almost half of my life..but now I acutally believe her, because I think I have found the one now. It's like I have found my other half again and it's so amazing and I love her so much. I just hope she knows that and I want to marry her grow old with her and just be happy. " I smiled and said" That makes me really happy to hear after everything you have been throw so you deserve to be happy and yes you are lucky to have her.. she is.. great.. and she is lucky to have you too. " She said " Thank you, you know I love you right? " I said " I know and I love you too sis. " she said happy" You're sweet. I really should go and do my make up that's what's left and I bet she will be done long berfore me anyway. But I will try to hurry but she should have some indulgence since I want to look beautiful for my girlfriend. " I said " Then you should go, and remebere Zara you are always beautiful from the inside out. And I know Madde thinks so too. And I wish you an amazing evening and I want to hear all about it." She said " Thank you, well have a nice evning to you too. Bye!" "bye" Then we hang up and I kissed Dennis cheek and countinued reading but then I thought I should blogg before it's dinner since I ddon't really know what will happend to night, but we'll see what happends. So here I'm and Jensen just got out from the bathroom and staring to get dressed and asking what I'm doing.

Well anyway now I have to go and because it's dinner soon so I have to go now. I just have to say I'm really happy that Maja is home again because this is her home and I love her so much. Well you will her from Madde tomorrow about her date I bet. See ya!
Kisses from Tove