Despair and Heartache

Heya!

Today I'm not going to start my inlay with telling you lot how pissed off I am at Tove cuz you already know that so all I'm going to say is that I'm glad that mum did what she did, I'm both angry and glad for what Johan did, standing upp for Tove and one last thing is that I miss Tim... And not in the way you think with his amazing body and brilliant sex but just spending time with him, he is a good guy and he loves his family and friends. I miss talking to him and I think I have to call him some day.

Anyway let's talk about today shall we?

I woke up after just three hours sleep because Jensen started to move. I looked at him and he quickly closed his eyes and pretended to sleep. I smiled slightly and ran my fingers through his hair and got up from the bed. I put on one of his old shirts and looked down on him again and he was still pretending to sleep so I gently pressed my lips against his cheek and then went to Dennies crib and picked her up and went downstairs. Donna and Alan were sitting at the table and she said "Up so early?". I nodded and said "So is Jensen but I don't think he wants to talk or so because he is pretending to sleep...". She nodded and said "When did you two fall asleep last night?". I shrugged and said "about three or four hours ago... I'm dead tired but I can't sleep any longer.". She nodded and I put Dennie down in Alans lap and began pouring up a big cup of coffee and sat down at the table with them. I took a sandwich and said "So Tove called you last night?". Donna nodded and said "Yes and she is really broken up about it.". I mumbled "I bet!" but said "Yeah well I know you care about her but your son is worth more her.". She said "That isn't my place and not yours either.". I sighed and said "I don't care, she's hurt him more times than I can count and I'm done with that! i can not just go by and not care when Jensen is hurt! I can't stand to see him hurt because I know how it feels, I suppose everyone does but everyone hasn't been hurt by the love of their life.". Then we heard a deep voice say "It's okay Madde... Don't worry about me, I'm okay.". i looked at Jensen with his bloodshot eyes and bloated face, I got up and walked over to him and said "Are you okay?! yeah right, come here.". I draged him to the hallway mirror and said "Look at yourself and then tell me if you are okay or not.". He sighed and I turned him towards me and put my hands on his arms and looked him deep in the eyes and said "You are not okay Jensen, I know it. I'm so sorry. Jensen, I love you and I care about you and I can't take seeing you like this again. She's not good enough for you.". He bit his lip and then said "But what am I going to do? I love her!" he started crying again and hugged me and I just held him while he cried against my shoulder. I whispered "It's okay... I know... I know..." while I tried to comfort him and after a while he dried his tears and siad "I'm starving.". I gave him a trying smile and he smiled back and I said "Let's get you some food.". He nodded and when I was about to walk pass him back to the kitchen he grabed my arm and siad "Thank you. Thank you for being here for me and for careing about me.". I put my palm against his cheek and said "Of course, I do anything for you.". He gave me a crooked smile and then we walked back to the kitchen and continued with the breakfast. While we ate Donna asked "So what are you going to do today?". Jensen shrugged and I said "Well can't we do somthing fun? You said that we had to go to Whataburger or whatever it was called.". Jensen smiled and said "Yeah you have to try a burger form whataburger!". I smiled and said "Alright, lunch?", Jensen smiled and nodded and said "You bet! It's lunchdate!". I smiled and said "brilliant! and after lunch? what then?", he thought for a while and then he said "I don't know.". I said "Can't we go out tonight? You can show me a good place to go out and drink and dance!". He said "I don't feel like it Madde.", I sighed and said "oh come on Jensen! You need it! Trust me! please!". He sighed and looked at me with my puppyeyes and said "Fine!". I smiled and said "YAY!", and he just shook his head but I know that I saw a shadow of a smile on his face.

When we had eaten we excused ourselfs and went to Jensens room again. He sat down on the bed let out a loud sigh and I walked over to him and sat down on the floor and leaned against the bed and said "Life sucks sometimes huh?". I just saw him nod in the corner of my eye so I sat up on my knees infront of him and took his hands and said "Jensen please let me help you though this. I know how hard it is to feel the way you do and I had someone there to help me through it and I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't had him...". He looked up at me and looked a bit confused and said "Him?", I nodded and said "Yeah, Shane...". He nodded and said "When Nicky hurt you?". I nodded and felt a stabbing pain in my heart when I thought about it and said "Yeah, every time when nicky hurt me.". He said "But you weren't together...", I said with a sharp voice "Does that matter?! I loved him more than life itself! I would have done anything for him, and I mean anything!". He nodded and put his hand om my cheek and said "I'm sorry! I know you would, I know. It doesn't matter if you are together or not, it's what you feel that matters.". I nodded and siad "So will you let me help you?". He nodded slowly and said "Yes, thank you madde.". I smiled and got up and pulled him to his feet so that i could hug him and then I said "Now let's do something fun! what can we do my little Texan man.". He laughed and said "Well, it's pretty warm outside so we can go to th beach and see if the water is warm enough to swim?". I smiled and clapped my hands and said "I knew it was a good idea to bring a few bikinies!". He laughed and said "pack your stuff and lets go!". I quickly ran to the wardrobe and got a red bikini which I put on and the I dumped some underwear in a bag together with Jensens and a few towels. I took Jensens hand and dragged him out of the room and we put on our shoes and I said "Car or walk?". He said "Well if we take the car we can go to Whataburger at once after the beach.". I nodded and grabbed the keys and we said goodbye to Donna and Alan and drove off to the beach.

When we got there and got out of the car the warm summer breeze hit my face with an amazing smell of ocean in it and I just smiled, closed my eyes and enjoyed it. I opened my eyes when I felt Jensens hand on my arm and I met his gaze and said "This is brilliant.". He smiled and said "Let's go.". There was a lot of people at the beach but we found a place to put our towels and I took my clothes off and laid down on my stomach. Jensen laid dow beside me but then he said "Maybe I should use some sunscreen...". I sat up quickly and said "So should I, did you bring some?". He shook his head and said "no but I think we can buy some over there." and pointed at a kiosk not far from there. I nodded and he said "I'll be right back." and left me sitting on the towel. I looked out over the blue water and in a way felt really at home eventhough I was so far from home. I started to think about Zara and picked up my phone and texted her "Hi baby, I miss you. Hope everything is well over there. Tove called Jensen last night and told him that she is cheating on him so he is really broken down... Might not call you today because of that but know that I love you and miss you lika crazy! Kisses!!". It didn't take long untill I got an answer that read "Hey honey, I miss you too! Oh my god... I can't believe it. Give Jensen a big hug from me and of course I understand if you don't call. Take care of him and yourself. I love you Madde. Kisses.". I smiled and put the phone down when Jensen came back and he said "Did you talk to Zara?". I shook my head and said "Nah, I texted her and she sends her love to you.", he nodded and thanked and then he said "Here you go." and handed me the sunscreen. I took it and said "Do you mind? I can't reach my back.". He nodded and I laid down on my stomach and undid the bikinitop and waited for Jensen to help me out, but he didn't... I turned my head and looked at him and said "Jensen?" and it was like I scared him because he twitched and siad "What? Oh sorry!". I asked "What are you sorry for?", and I could tell how he blushed a bit and said "nothing..." and then he said "Lay down!". I laughed and laid down and he just said "Shut up!", which made me laugh even more. He satrted to laugh as well but finally I felt his hands starting to rub the sunscreen onto my back. It felt really good and I closed my eyes and said "While your at it can't you give me a massage?". Jensen chuckled and began to massage me and GOD it felt gooooood!!! After about 20 minutes he stopped and said "There, did it feel good?". I nodded and knotted my top again and sat up and said "That was amazing.", he smiled and then I gave him a cheesy smile and siad "Was it as good for you as it was for me?". He laughed and gave me a cheesy smile too and siad "of course it was darling.". I laughed and said "Do you need help to?". He nodded and laid down on his stomach and I squeezed out some cream in my palm and looked at his gorgeous back and genlty placed my hands on it and began rubbing it in. When I was done I laid down next to him and after a while I asked "How are you feeling?". He turned his head and looked at me with his green eyes and said "I don't know... For a while I actually didn't think about it but then it came rushing back to me... What have I done wrong Madde? Haven't I shown her how much she means to me and how much I love her?". I reached out my hand and put it on his neck and said "nothing Jensen, you have done nothing wrong." I felt a burning sensation in my eyes and knew that I was close to tears and Jensen said "Then why does she keep doing it?". I shrugged and said "I don't know... But it's not your fault, at all! It's just hers. You are just to good for her jensen. If you were mine, I would never hurt you.". He looked at me with sad, intense eyes and said "Are you sure?". i nodded and siad "Yeah, I'm sure. Please don't blame yourself...". He slowly nodded and then I said "Come on, let's go to the water.". He gave a crooked smile and we got up and I took his hand and said "Let's think about something else.". He nodded and then he got a mischievous smile "last one in!" and began to run. I laughed and yelled "No!" and ran after him but of course I didn't catch him untill we got to the water and he turned to me and said "You lose!" I threw myself at him and we fell down in the water and laughed and I hit his arm and said "you cheated!". He laughed and said "No I didn't!", I splashed water on him and he just laughed and dived under and grabbed my legs and pulled so that I lost my balance and fell into the water. I thought that I should trick him so I stayed under the water while I saw him on the surface laughing and then when he noticed that I didn't get up and was just laying under the water he quickly pulled me up and looked so worried. I was still acting hurt and he said with a worried voice "Madde! Oh my god, I'm so sorry! Are you okay?". By then I couldn't keep myself from laughing any longer so I cracked up and he got annoied and siad "Don't do that!". I laughed and stood up and said "You should have seen your face!". He still looked at me annoied and I stopped laughing and bit my lip and looked at him and said "Sorry...". I say a twitch in the corner of his mouth so I gave him my puppydog look and siad "Jensen... I'm sorry.". Then he couldn't keep from smiling any longer and he said "Fine! But don't do it again.". I laughed and hit his shoulder playfully and he just smiled at me.

We staied at the beach until noon and then we went back to the car to drive off to WhataBurger. We didn't say much in the car but then "Bed of Roses" started to play on the radio and I just couldn't help myself and started to sing in a low voice. Jensen looked at me and when I noticed I quickly kept my mouth shut and he siad "No, continue.". I shook my head and said "Hell no! I sound like a dying cat when I sing. You can sing! You are amazing!". He shook his head and said "It wasn't that bad. And no thank you, I will not sing.". I gave him a look that said "Seriously!" and siad "You can not tell me that it doesn't sound horrible when I sing!". He laughed and said "Yes I can Madde. Who ever told you that you suck is lying.". I shook my head and said loudly to myself "Geez, you are not all there are you.". he laughed and then siad "whatever... Turn right here.". So I turned right where he said and quickly had to move my ass out of the way because some stupid son of a bitch was driving on the wrong side of the road! I pressed down the horn and gave him and angry ass look and he stopped the car. I pulled over and Jensen tried to grab my arm but wasn't fast enough because I had already stepped out of the car and walked with fire in my eyes over to the other car. Jensen got out of the car and ran over to me and grabbed my arm and siad "Madde calm down! Don't do anything stupid!!". I shook him off and ripped the cardoor open and looked at the man sitting there. He just looked at me and I felt even more anger build up in me and i took a hold of his jeansjacket and pulled him out of the car. I pushed him against the car and yelled "What the fuck are you doing!!!". He just looked at me and I could tell at once that something just wasn't right. I looked into his eyes and his pupils were huge! I held the guy towards the car and gave Jensen a meaningful stare which he understood as "call the police!", he picked the phone out and called. I just kept staring at the idiot who was driving under the influence of drugs and just wanted to punch his face in! How can someone be so careless that they take drugs and then decides to drive! And in the middle of the day as well!!! After a while Jensen put a hand on my shoulder and whispered "They're on thier way.". I nodded and the guy said "What the fuck did you call the policed for!" and tried to stand up straight again but I just puched him back against the car and said "Because you are a stupid motherfukker and you could have killed someone! You almost killed us!". And then he did the most stupid thing ever... He laughed... He fukking LAUGHED!!! I just couldn't handle it, I felt the anger bubbling up and my fist just went straight to his face. Jensen quickly grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him and siad "No!". The guy put his hand over his mouth and nose and it started filling up with blood. I just stared at him and the just in time a policecar pulled over and two men stepped out. They walked over to us and then looked at the man and one of them said "What happened?" While the other one checked the guy up. I told the cop exaclty what had happened and that I flet like I had to stop him before he got someone killed. And then he asked "Was any of you hurt?". Jensen and I shook our heads and then he siad "Why is he bleeding?". And then Jensen said "It was self-defence, he tried to get a hold of her and she felt cornered and punched him.". The cop looked at me and I nodded and said "I was afraid that he was going to hurt me... you can't really blame me, I mean, look at him! He's stoned! He doesn't know what the fuck he is doing! He can do what ever he wants and when they have drugs in their systems they are incredibly strong!". The cop nodded and said "I understand. Well, we'll take him to the station and get him sober and then we will give him a fit punishment for the crime he has comitted.". We nodded and he said "Thank you for your help. You have a good day now. Sir, Miss.", and touched his hat and nodded towards us. It felt like I was in a western or something! it was really cool and when Jensen and I walked back to our car he said "Why are you smiling". I looked at him and siad "that was cool!". He glared at me and said "What?" and I said "Not the whole almost crashing part but the thing with the cop and the whole western feel to it.". He slowly shook his head while smiling and siad "You are wierd!". I smiled and said "No, I'm just not like everyone else.". He smiled and said "No you're not, you're just the way you are. And that's the way you should be because it's great.". I smiled and continued driving to WhataBurger and soon enough we were there, got a table and our hamburgers and started to eat.

After lunch we just drove around in Dallas for a while and the we went back home nad just hung out on the back yard together. It was really nice and time totally flew because suddely Donna came out and said that it was dinner so we ate and then we went to our room and Jensen got in the shower and I began looking through my stuff to find something to ware when we went out. I settled for a super cute white cocktail dress which I ahd never worn before. When Jensen finally came out it was my turn so I took the dress in with me and took a quick shower, put my dress on, made my hair and put my make-up on and then I walked out of there and into Jensens room. He turned around as he heard me comeing and his jaw just dropped when he saw me. I gave him a shy smile and said "How do I look?". He had to shake his head to stop staring at me and then said "Wow! are you really going out like that?". I smiled adn nodded and he said "Great, I'm going to be hated at the club I can tell you that.". I frowned and said "Why?" and he said "Because all the guys are going to hate me because I'm there with you are they aren't.". I stepped closer to him and said "Well that is their problem, we are just going to let our hair down and enjoy the evening, right?". He nodded and I gave him a hug, nuzzeld into his neck and said "Don't think so much tonight, just enjoy yourself.". He nodded, held me close and said "I'll try, I promise.". I smiled and kissed his cheek and said "Thank you. Now, let's go.". He nodded and we walked into the livingroom where Donna and Alan were watching tv and both of them looked up as we walking in and Donna said "Wow Madde, you look amazing.". I smiled and thanked her and Alan siad "Yes you do. Jensen take care of her tonight.". He nodded and said "Yes dad...", and I just smiled and took his hand a squeezed it. He looked at me and said "Ready?", I nodded and said "Ready when you are." and with that we went out to the cab that was waiting out front and drove off to the club.

The line to the door was super long but Jensen just took my hand and walked up to the guard and said "Hey man.". The man looked up and said witha suprised voice "Jensen! You're home!". Jensen laughed and shook the mans hand and siad "Yeah, had to come a visit my folks, you know.". He nodded and then looked at me and siad "Damn man! You got a good job, good money, nice car and very pretty missis.", and winked. Jensen shook his head and said "No man... she's just a friend.". His eyes got huge and said "You shouldn't say that out loud then someone might steal her.". Jensen laughed and put a hand around my shoulders and said "I'm not worried, this gild knows what she wants, takes what she wants and can take care of herself.". I smiled and the man gave me a cheesy smile and siad "Just my kind of gal then.". I gave him a flirty look and siad "unfortunately you are not my kind of man..." and Jensen just laughed while the man looked disappointed and opened the rope for us. We thanked him and walked into the club and the loud music and people. We went straight over to the bar and Jensen got a beer for himself and a Sexual Trance for me and then we sat down at a table for two and enjoyed our drinks. There were a lot of people there and it didn't take long before a guy came up to me and said "You wanna dance?". He was really sleek and ugly so I just shook my head and said "Not in a million years.". He looked bumed and turned and walked away and Jensen said "Why didn't you dance with him?". I glared at him and said "With him!? He was so icky and so not my type.". He laughed and siad "Well will you dance with me or am I too icky and soooo not your type either?". I laughed, stood up and said "Let's go handsome!", he laughed and got up and we went to the dancefloor and had a good time. After a few more beers and drinks we were really getting loose and having a blast and then all of the sudden a girl came up and grabbed Jensens hand and turned him around so that he was facing her and she bagan to grind agaisnt him like a fucking stripper! I got so angry and grabbed Jensen and turned him back around and he said "What!?". I just stared at him and siad "What are you doing?!", he shrugged and slured "I'm having a good time... Like Tove does!". I shighed and said "So this is about her? I through we were here to just have fun and enjoy each others company!". He said "We are having fun! Aren't we?". I shook my head and he tilted his head and stepped closer to me and I could smell the alcohol on his breath and he said "We can have more fun if you like." and then before I knew it he took a hold of my neck and pressed his full lips against mine. I put a hand on his chest and gently pushed him away and looked him in the eyes and said "No... Jensen... We should go home...". He huffed and said "Hell no! I'm having a good time!". I felt so sorry for him because I could tell that he was trying so hard not to fall back into the pit of despair and heartache. I took his hand and said "Okay, I know. But we can have more fun at home.". He looked at me with blurry eyes and then smiled and siad "Okay!" so we walked out of the club and got a cab to drive us home. It was rather late so I tried to keep Jensen as quiet as possible when we got inside the house. As we walked to Jensens room he stroke his hand over my back and ended on my bum but I didn't care, he was just drunk and hurt and I just blamed that bitch Tove. I closed the door behind us and told Jensen to sit down on the bed which he did and then I said "We should get some sleep.". He stared at me and said "Weren't we going to have sex?", I put my hand on his cheek and siad "I can't have sex with you... I have Zara. Plus you are so drunk that you're not thinking straight.". At first I saw anger in his eyes, something I have never seen before and it scared me but after just a little while the look changed and he got so sad and said with a low voice "Why doesn't anybody want me?". He laid down on his side and looked so tiny that my heart just broke for him and I laid down next to him and pressed my body against his back and wrapped my arms around him and siad "Of course someone wants you! I felt any different I would definitely want you.". He turned around and looked at me and siad "Really?", I nodded and said "You are an amazing man Jensen. Any woman who would be with you would be the luckiest woman in the world. Trust me on this.". He nodded and I could tell that he we drifting off to sleep and I gently ran my fingers up and down his arm until he finally fell asleep, then I pressed my lips against his forehead and whispered "Truly amazing." and then I grabbed my computer, went to the kitchen and began to blog so here I am now but I think I should go to bed.

Tomorrow you'll here from Tove again... See how sorry she feels for herself then that stupid bitch, has no right to feel sorry for herself!!

Anyway, take care
Love
Madde