Darkness..

Hey..

Well I have never feelt this lonley before in my entire life.. it feels like everyone have let me down this past weeks. And here i have been worring sick about Jensen and Dennie and this morning i found out they had been in Texas all that time..I can't believe Jensen would do that to me.. and also my whole family have been lying to me and talked behind my back which hurts just as much. But im acutally not totally alone right now which makes it easier at least..

Well lets start from the begning of this whole fucking messed up day..
I have been sleeping really bad this last nights but i got a few hours sleep at least.
And when I woke up in the empty bed, I tried to call Jensen again but he didn't pick up so I started my computere and went on to the blogg and then Madde had writen a inlay and i could feel how angry i got when i read it and also hurt and disappointed.. and then it hit me that my whole family knew about this thats why they had been acting so weird lately.
So i got up from bed and went downstairs where I found the only family at the table eating breakfast before they had to go to school. I sat down without saying anything because I was to angry to say something. Then Johan said to me" Tove are you okay? You are very quiet today.." I just looked at him angry and then mom said" Whats wrong honey?" Then i couldn't pretend anymore so I just said furious" Whats wrong?! You are! This whole family are! How the hell can you all lie to me after everything I have done for all of you! Someone of you could have told me that he was leaving and stealing my daughther with him! I even asked what was wrong with you guys and you lied! " Mom stood up and said camly" Tove calm down please. " I just stared at her and said" Calm down?! You off all hate liers and hate lying and still here you are! All you do is tell us what we shouldn't do but then you go and do the same yourself!" I could see she started to get angry too and she said" You and Jensens relationship what have happend isn't really my business, but if you want to fix this as I think you do then don't stand here go and pack a bag and i drive you to the airport." I said " Where am I going? " Mom said" To Dallas of course!" I looked at her like she was insane and said" Im not going there. He was the one that left me! " Mom said angry" So you are not even going to give your relationship another try?! You are married now and that means you can't just give up and most off all you have a daughther! " I almost yelled at her " This is my life! My husband! and my daughther! So don't even come here and tell me what I should do and shouldn't!! " she was just as angry as I where and she yelled" This is my house! And no ne talks to me like that in this house! So since you dosn't seems to like it here you can go! The door is over there!! " I said" You are throwing me out?!" She looked furious and said" Yes! " Johan tried to calm her down but he couldn't and I yelled" What kind of mom are you?! You throw me out and i have barely done anything but you couldn't throw Madde out when she fucking had sex with my boyfriend!! You don't see something wrong with that?! What the fuck is wrong with you! And after everything I have done for you!! Without me all of your kids would have starved to death and they would also had been alone at home all day and night just because you had to work! And you can't even blame it on that you need money because we all know you dosn't. You left your children to me and I took care of them because I wanted to be a good daughther and help you, and i fucking regreat that now! And both you and me know thats true that you did that, you can't deny it! And if you think I have abandon my daughter now then I have just learn it from my mother that did the same towards me! " Johan stood up and looked at me and said" Don't call her a bad mother! You might have done alot for her but she have done so much more for you." I said " Why shouldn't I call her that? Thats what she is." Kristina said furious" Go! get out of my house now! " I said" Sure, I don't want to stay with this insane family anyway!" I looked at my so called siblings and said" And all of you how could you lie to me! Tim and Jessica you don't even like Jensen but i though you liked me but apprently I was wrong! You can all go to hell!" Then I just walked upstairs and I took a bag and throw a few things down and my computer and then I got dressed. I walked downstairs again and then My came running and she was crying and said" Do you hate me?" I crouched down infron of her and took her hands and said " No you haven't done anything wrong I love you more then you ever will know." she said" So Im still your sister?" I said" Yes and you always will be, its the rest of them that isn't my family anymore. " I looked at mom when I said that and I know i hurted her but I don't care. I gave My a hug and a kiss and said" I have to go.. " she started to cry and then she ran upstairs. Then Maja walked into the hallway and she was also crying and she yelled at me" If you hurt Jensen I will never forgive you! Never!" Then she also ran upstairs. Kristina had apprently calmed down a little and said" still can drive you to the airport. " I looked into her eyes and said" Mom I never want to talk to you again, ever. And from now on you are Kristina for me nothing else I don't have a dad or a mom anymore. " I think i saw a tear roll down her cheek and I just looked at all of them a last time and then I told Ebba to come with me and we left.

I took the car and drove to mine and Jensens new apartment. I unlocked the door and me and Ebba went nto the aprtment. I hadn't been there after all our funiturs had come and the rest and it looked pretty good. I sat down in the sofa and I was still pissed off and then my phone rang and I answerd and heard Zara happy voice saying hello and asking how I was doing, I said angry" You should know how im doing! Snce you lied staight to my face the other day! You off all people Zara! For fuck sake how the hell could you do this towards me of everyone! I was there for you from day one when Nicky broke your heart it even coast me the relationship with my best friend! So how the hell can you do this?! " I could hear her say camily" Tove I'm so sorry.. I never wanted to lie to you but I had to. " I said" Had to?! Both you and me know that you always have a chose what to do and not, i chose your side that time because that was right thing to do! And you could have done the same or you think lieing is the right thing! You are just as a big bitch as your girlfriend! So that's why you two are perfect for each other! Go to hell Zara and don't expect me to be here for when Madde hurts you again! And then you will be all alone since Nicky will of course take Maddes side and not even your dead son can help you even though you talk to him alot! But you know his dead Zara and he have been buried n the ground for 7 years and he will never come back just relise that! And I also never want to see you again!" I could hear that Zara was crying but iI just hang up. Then tears started to roll down my cheeks too because I can't believe I said that about Anton to her..
But then some one knocked on my door and at first I just sat there because I didn't want to open and who knew I was here. But then it knocked again so I signed and dried my tears away and on the way to the door i tooked at myself in the mirrow and I looked pretty ok. So I opend the door and there stood a woman that was maybe 35, she smiled and stretched out her hand towards me and I too it and she said her name was Olivia and I introduce myself and she stepped into the apartment and closed the door behind her and she said" Im your neighbor I live a the bottom floor." I smiled slightly and said" Nice to meet you. " She said" I meet your husband and daughter last week. He seems very nice and your daughter is adorable. " I said" Yeah I know." She said" Sorry if I'm not suppose to say this but your husband is also adorable in a more sexy kind of way. " I laughed a lttle and said " Yeah he is. " she said" When they started to built this pent house we all started to speculate who was moving here but we never thought it was going to be such a nice family. And this place is enormous and so amazing!" I smiled and said " Thank you. You can take a look if you like." She smiled and started to walk around and she said hello to Ebba and she said" Where is your husband Jensen then?" I said" he is in Dallas where is family live." She nodded and said " For how long? " I said" I don't know yet. " She said" To bad because we are going to have a little party this weekend as we do every year with eveyone that lives in this house down in my apartment and everyone bring some kind of food and I we all would love if you and Jensen came and of course little Dennie." I said" Thats very nice of you.. but i doubt Jensen will be here but I would love to come. " She smiled and said" Great!Well i should go now and not be in your way." I said" Don't worry about it, If i had some coffee I would make some.. I really should go to the store." She said" Do you want companie because I was on my way there too?" I said" Sure, but is it okay if I take a shower first?" She said" Yes of course! Take your time, you can come and get me when you are done." Then she walked downstairs again. I went into the shower and when I was done I locked the door and went downstairs and I knocked on the door and a man opend up and he said happy" You most be Tove! I'm Ludvig Olivias husband. " I smiled and said" Nice to meet you! " Then Olivia walked over to me and said" Shall we go?" I nodded and she got dressed and I said bye to Ludvig and we took my car and drove over to a super market farther away. When had a good time in the car talking and laughing a bit. When we got there we started to shop and after an hour we both was done and went home.

When I had put everything into the fridge and so on I took Ebba for a walk it feelt pretty good to get som air and clear my head a little but that also made me sad and I could feel how angry I was. When I got home after a 2 hours walk I made some coffee and sat down in the sofa and turned the tv on and it was Scrubs I hat my eyes towards the tv but i don't remebere what happend because my mind where somehere else. I sat there thinking about Jensen, and my so called family.. and how much i miss Dennie and how everone had let me down and alot of other things.. When i woke up from my thoughts it was scrubs on tv anymore and it was dark outside so I looked at the clock and saw it was 5 all ready! That means i been siting there for like 3 hours it just feelt like 20 minuts.. so decied to go and make some dinner. I couldn't eat so much though I had to much going on in my head for that.
I found a bottel of win there from mine and Jensens date that I opend and I took a glass and took a zip exatlly what I needed! I put the glass on the coffee table and I started to a fire in the fireplace and turned the light down and sat down and took my wine glass in my hand. I thought about calling Jensen I looked at the time and saw it was 6 and that means it 12 in the afternoon in texas,but after a lot of thinking I thought to myself he left me so if he want anything he can give me a call! So after drinking two glasses of wine my phone rang and on the display it stood Jensen I signed and answerd but I didn't say anything and he said" Hey.. it's me.. " I said" Is that all you have to say? After not calling for days! " he said" Im in Dallas.." I said" I know! So you where to coward to tell me that by yourself I guess. " He said" How do you know that?" I said" How do you think I know that! That bitch of yours told me!" He said" She isn't that word you just called her, both you and me know that. But its not her fauilt I should have told you. But Tove listen you have to know why I did this.. its because you have to relize what you are doing to me and Dennie. You are not the same Tove that I marrie just a few weeks ago.. I still love you very much. " I said" Are you leaving me?" He said" Hopefully not.. " I said angry" You are such a coward for telling me this over the phone! And also for running away! And you know I didn't even want to get married! " He started to talk but then his voice broke and I could hear he was crying and he said" I know to sweety.. Im sorry if you feelt like forced you.. all I want is you with or without being married to you.. I love you so much!" I said" All I wanted was for you to be honest with me! But I should hang up now before I say something I really really shouldn't. I talk to you tomorrow instead." He said" ok.. I call you tomorrow.. I love you Tove. " I sign and said" Yeah I know Jensen... bye." We hang up and I just sat there for hours drinking and looking at the gourgous fire.

Then it knocked on the door again and I woke up from my daydreaming or maybe more nightmare dreaming.. I tooked at my phone to see what time it was and it showed 23:11 so I didn't want to answer because I didn't want to talk to anyone. I wanted to sit there alone just with Ebba and thinking about this horrible day.. But then I heard the door opend up and closed again and before I knew it I saw a tall, black haired woman stand in the doorway looking at me. I didn't want to look at her I just looked down in my glass and she said " Tove.. " I slowley looked up and meet Zaras eyes and then I couldn't keep my tears back anymore they started to pour down from my eyes. Zara just ran over to me and wrapped her arms around me and I hugged her back and cried against her shoulder. When I had calmed down a little I cried" Im sorry about what I said about Anton and what I called you. Im so very sorry.. " Zara pushed me away a little and dried a few tears away from my face and said" I know you are and I forgive you. " I said" You shouldn't... God Zara you should learn how to say no! " She laughed a little and said " Maybe." she kissed my forhead and then she said" Im also sorry for lieing to you.. especailly since you have always been here for me." I said" I understand she is your girlfriend.." She nodded and said" Tove can we talk without you geting upset? please.." I said" I will try.." she said" Tove Im just asking you this because im worried about you.. whats going one with you?" I signed and said" Nothing.. its just a lot going on in my life right now that is messing with my head.." she said" Is that all?" I nodded and said" Yes. " She nodded and I said" How are you?" She smiled slightly and i could see that smile was fake and she said" Im just good." I said" Are you really? or are you lieing to me again?" she sign and said" I will sound like the most needy girlfrind in this world and that is nothing attractive about being needy.. so I shouldn't tell you.." I said" That you miss her?" She just looked away and I said" Nothing wrong with that, it just makes you humen. And there is a diffrent about being needy and missing someone. Talk to me." She sighed and said" I miss her sooooo much! It feels like half my heart is missing because that part is millions miles away.. god im ridiculors! " I said" No your not.. this is how you feel. You love her so much I can see that. Im happy for you, you deserve this. " She smiled and said" Thanks sweety. I will call her tomorrow and i hope she have time to talk. " I smiled and said" I bet she will. " Zara laughed and said"Otherwise she just have to find time for me. " then she looked away again and I could see a tear rolling down her cheek I forced her to look at me and she brust out crying " I miss her so much and everything just happend so fast with her leaving..its not that I don't understand I do..I just miss her.. " I just wrapped my arms around her and kissed her hair. When she had stopped crying I looked at her beautiful face and I brushed my tumb over her birthmark she have under her left eye and dried a few tears away. She smiled slighlty and said" Madde love my birthmark there for some weird reason... and she also likes Nickys she say they are sexy." I laughed and kissed her cheek. I looked at her and said" Zara when someone calls you bitch or whore or someother horrible word you have to start defending yourself or at least know that it isn't true.. even if its me that said it which im very sorry for.. Its not okay to call a woman that especially not you! You are the most sweetest, kindess, forgiving, loving, greatful and posetive person I know and I mean that, I hav to say Madde is right about this you are an angel sent from heaven, and, how can anyone be as perfect as you and are just as beautiful as one even though I know you can be a bit naughty too. " She laughed alittle and said" Thanks .. and you are right I should defend myself..those words are just tough for me or especially since whore..since my step dad called me that when he had sex with me. " I said" I know and Zara he didn't have sex with you he raped you two diffrent things.. " she said" I know.. " I said" Well I can't believe parents do that to there children.. good that your mom at least didn't force you to have sex with her at least.. " Zara looked away and I could see something was wrong and I said" Or did she? You have never said anything about that.." Zara said" I wanted to forget about it.. but after mom new contacted me I have been thinking about it more though.. I wanted to talk to Madde about it... but I couldn't since I knew she would kill her then if she saw her.. " I said" You want to talk about it now? Its okay if you don't want too.." She said" I was 7 it was just before I moved in with you guys but I remebere it like it was yesterday.. I got home after being in school and when I steped inside the door there mom is standing naked infront of me and she is calling me everything from worthless to a whore. I remebere I got scared and I tried to just walk by her into my room but then she grabbed my hair and beat my head into the wall, and she was very drunk like always.. then she said something that she have never said before she told me to start fingering her otherwise she would kill me.. and no 7 year old should even know what that is but I did since my step dad always told me that was what he was doing when he put his fingers inside of me.. I was scared since it was the first time she had told me to do that towards her.. so I just did what she said and put a few fingers in her.. I was so disgusted I just wanted to throw up. She had done many stupied things before but never like this...when she was..done.. she lied down on the floor and told me to lick her clean so I started to lick her...I just wished she had killed me instead that was the worsed thing ever in my life so much worse then having his gross dick in my mouths. But when I had been licking her I just got lose of her grip and ran crying into my room. Where I found my step dad naked on my bed.. he smiled that horrible smile that just he can have and then mom opend the door and she had a knife in her hand and she told me lay down next to him and get naked... I did as she said and she startde to cut deep wounds in my left arm and it started to bleed alot and I was screaming of pain.. then they put a pillow over my face so I would be quite and then I feel how his horrible thing was pressing inside of me.. then he raped me like always.. " Zara got quiet and my cheeks was wet from tears I had start crying for a long time ago because its so horrible... and Zara hadn't let out a tear. I took her hand and I said" Im so sorry honey...how can you not cry when you talk about this?" She said" Because I think im immune.. I can't cry about this its to hard if I start I would never be abel to stop.. " I said" This is so horrible I can't even put my head in it.. its to hard.. and you was there and just as a kid.. " She said" Have you never notice the cuts on my wrist from that night?" I shook my head and she said" Well I'll be right back." She got and went into bathroom. She came back after a couple of minuts and sat down again and she showed me her left arm.. there was three cuts... I don't even know what to say about this. I said" How can I have missed those.. and they most been deep wounds since they still show much." She nodded and said" I use make up on the everyday..I dosn't want to look like some kind of depressed girl and also I don't want to see them myself either its hurts. " I nodded and I said" Have you told anyone about this?" She said" Yeah I told Nicky four a couple years ago..thats why he didn't want me to meet my mom." I said" I can't blame him.. you should talk to Madde about this since you want to do it and tell her not kill her.. " Zara said" I will.. I just wish she was here but I understand that Jensen is her friend. And thats one reason why I love her so much because she wants to help and be there. Well aslong as I can talk to her on the phone i will be fine.." I nodded and I said" Do you want to sleep her so you don't ahve to drive home this late? I don't mind some company.." She smiled and said" I would love too and this place is amazing! I had a hard time to get hear I drove into the wrong street at first. But this pent house is gorgouse!" I smiled and said" It is.I just have to blogg and then I be all yours." She nodded and picked up the computere and here I am.. This is my day..and Im still furious at my family I mean what I said this morning.

Well I hope you had a better day then me at least.
Tomorrow you will hear from that one..
Take care!
Kisses
Tove