Anxiety!!!!

Hey guys!

I hope everything is just great for you.. I'm a little nervous or to be honest I'm alot nervous or to be even more honest I have a huge anxiety attack! In less then a week I'm fucking married if I now get to that altar, hopefully I don't!! We are leaving soon in a few hours and next time I get home I'm maybe married!!! I haven't even sleeped anything tonight I have just been thinking about that horrible day that will soon be here!! Why did I say yes, why?!! Yeah right I love Jensen so fucking much, why do i have to love him so much that I said fucking yes?!! I hate the word yes but most of all I hate the words I do, Wife, wedding just horrible!! I rather let them call me bitch, or slut just anything except that word wife!! It gives me shiver down my spin in a bad way just by thinking about it!! Horrible, I would rather die then get married and I mean it! I rather have cancer again then do this!! I will probaly get a heart attack before I even gets to the wedding because I'm so scared and stressed up!! And on monday we have that horrible rehearsal dinner and that will problay kill me and scare me even more!! I hate this!! Kill me please?! Well maybe I should tell me about the last hours at home and in peace before we are going to the airport..

Well since I hadn't sleeped anything tonight I was all reday awake when my wonderful man woke up that I love to much for my own good! He looked at me and smiled and I was to stressed up to smile back and he said " I love you so much honey." I looked at him and said " I love you too, to much for my own good.. " He looked at me confused and said " What are you talking about? " I said or almost yelled" I'm getting married to you idoit!! That is horrible!!" I could see that he got sad or hurt.. so of course I feelt guilty and grabbed his hand and said " Sorry baby it came out wrong.. It have nothing to do with you, it's just me.. " He said " Are you still just doing this for me? I don't want that. " I said " Well do you want to get married, then you just have to deal with it because I really really don't want to do this, I would rather die.. " He looked at me and said sad " Is that how you really feel... then we don't have to get married... I don't want you to die.. " Then he just walked up from bed and he looked so sad and disappointed and then he walked into to bathroom and I could hear how he was turning on the water in the shower and I just sign and put on a pair of pants and picked Dennie up and kissed her and she smiled and I stroke her head and said " Now have mommy hurt daddy.. again.. but I really don't want to get married.." She just looked ta me with her big blue eyes and she is just so beautiful and I love her so much. And I have to say she is a strong baby because she has all reday started to lift her head a little so now I don't have to think that much about suporrting not as much as before anyway :)

Then I walked downstairs and into the kitchen where, mum,Johan, Maja and Johanna was sitting and eating breakfast. They smiled and said good morning and so did I and I walked over to Maja and gave Dennie to her since she was done eating and she just smiled and I kissed her hair and said " I love you sis. " She looked at me and had a huge smile on her face and she almost tears in her eyes and she said " I love you too. " I smiled and stroke her cheek and then I walked to the sink and took a cup of coffee and sat down next to Johanna. She looked at me and then at Maja and then at me again and said " It's sick how you two can be so alike each other! " All of us laughed and I said " I know. Johanna you have a sister right? " Johanna sign and nodded and I said " Why have I never meet her? " Johanna said " Because she is borning. She has some well payied borning job and she is married to some man and she has like 7 kids and she never go out all she dose is cook and clean. " I said " Okay.. so I understand that you don't have a good reationship with her? " She said " No. She thinks I'm a whore. " I said " What's the fuck is her problem! Johanna you ar enot a whore, you are an amaizing woman that I love so much. " Johanna smiled and said " You are so sweeit, but she is right I'm a whore a old one too!" I said " Are you crazy woman! You are just a woman thats enjoy life and you don't have any commitments to anyone, if I had been single too I would have done the same. " She smiled and said " Thanks and I belive you, what have happend to you Tove Alexandersson you have chnage so many times this year. From good girl to bad girl and then back to bad girl again. " I laughed and said " I'm a good girl now? " She laughed and said " Yeah if you don't have a lover somewhere? " I said " I acutally do have a lover. " Everyone looked at me and Johanna said " Who?" I smiled and said " His name is Jensen. " Johanna sign and said " You are os boring!" I said " No I'm not, you asked if I have a lover and I do and that is Jensen, my lover, my best freind, my boyfreind, my soul, my heart he is just amazing. " Johanna said" Like I said boring! You are almost as boring as my sister. " I laughed and said " JUst almost? " She said " Yeah, because I don't think you is still a virgin and is going to hav eyour first time at the wedding night. " I said " No.. it's a little hard since I have a baby all reday. " Johanna laughed and said " I know and I also know that you and Jensen can't keep your hands of each other all you guys do is cuddle and kiss each other and you are sweeit but I'm startingto get tired of it. " I laughed and said " I can keep my hands of him and he can keep his hands of me trust me!" She lauged and said " Yeha right!" I just sign and said " Yes we can. " She just laughed and then Jensen walked into th kitchen in just his softy pants and I looked at him and he looked back at me and he still looked sad and I just sign and Johanna looked at me and then Jensen and said " Are you two fighting? " I just loóked at him so he would answer and he sign and said " No we are not.." He walked over to me and lied his hand on my back and Jensen smiled and then he said ironic" We would never fight right honey. " I laughed and said " No never we haven't had a fight in our whole life. " He laughed and kissed my lips and I smiled and he walked away to get a cup if coffie and a sandwish and sat down next to me and I smiled and kissed his cheek and then I looked at Maja and she was like staring at his abs almost drooling and I laughed and said " Maja stop staring at my man like that. " She just looked away really embarresed and Jensen laughed and said " What's up with the Alexandersson women in this house and my body. Jessica, now Maja and last but absoutly not least Tove herself, I can see how you ar elooking at me. " I said " No I'm not looking!" He laughed and said " Yeah right. " I sign and said " Fine I'm looking!" Then Maja laughing" More liek staring. " I looked at her and said " No I'm not! " She just laughed and Jensen kissed my cheek and then we countined to eat. Then I walked over to the dishwasher to but my cup in and then I feel a hand on my back and I looked over my shoulder and saw Jensen he smiled and his hand moved down on my back to my ass and then under my top and I could feel how worked up I got and then Johanna inturuptted and said " Like I said can't keep there hands of ecah other. " All of us strated to laugh and I kissed Jensen and then we decied to go upstairs and Maja said she was going to watch Dennie.

When we got up to our room Jensen just pressed me agianst the closed the door and strated to kiss me with so mcuh eager and it was so amazing but then I stopped kissing him and looked at him and said " Aren't you angry with me? " He shooked his head and was going to start to kiss me agian but I stopped him and said " We need to talk about this? " He said " No." I said " I still don't want to get married. " He said " I know. " Then he kissed me and I kissed him back but then I said " I have to pack." he sign and said " Do you really have to?!" I nodded and he sign and moved away s I could walked into the closet and I started to pack and he said " Please? " I laughed and said " Is someone horney? " he smiled and said " Yeah!" I laughed and said " Keep that thought because we have a 10 hours flight a head of us. " Jensen laughed and said " In the bathroom again? " I laughed and said " Yeah why nit it was kind of good, and it's not like all the bathrooms will be occupied that long so we can take one for a long while. Because Madde would never have sex on a plane and neither would jared. " Jensen laughed and said " So true, I', looking forward to our flight. " I laughed and kissed him and then I countinued to pack and I strated to pack all my bikinis and descied which one to bring and then it knocked ob the door and I heard how Jensen opend it and then Iheard Jareds voice and they where talking then they walked into the closet where I was picking out bikinis and Jared said " The only time we get to see you without clotes is at the beach so that always makes it really intressting. You should be without clotes more often. " I said " Why? " He said " Bceause you are sexy, you have a great body. You are sexier then you think, trust me. " I just shocked my head and countinued packing and the guys left the room.

So I have been packing the whole day and we are soon leaving to go the the airport and I'm still not done packing! So now I will wrappe this up and I still have the biggest anxietyI don't want to do this!! But hopefully I don't since Jensen said I didn't, Yay!!
Well anyway now i have to go and pack!
See ya!
kisses a teriffied Tove!