nice and nicer

hey you lot.

I'm happy to say that noone were able to fool me yesterday but I don't think anyone even tryed... I suppose they don't want me to get upset, everyone is like tip-toeing around me these days and it's really starting to annoy me. I just want everyone to behave normal and not worry so much. I'm going to be fine but if everyone just keep being so sceard I'm going to have a fit soon! So STOP plz!


I can also tell you that I was able to get a good nights sleep tonight to, it feels so nice to not wake up and believe your best friend and soul mate is gone. I actully slept for like 10 hours tonight and woke up when Nico wanted his arm back because he had to go to the bathroom. He is so sweet, he didn't want to wake me so he had been lying there for like 1.5 hours before he really had to run to the loo... When he came back, though, he just lied back down, gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and asked what I wanted to do today. I actully really just wanted to lie there with him all day but I knew I shouldn't tell him that so I just said that I wanted to go and see Tove but that i first needed some air. So we got up and ate some breakfast before we went for a walk. The wather was great, the sun was shining and it was like +10 degrees celsius and not a single cloud on the sky. It was just so amazing, like there wasn't a single worry in the world and everone was just happy and healthy. I could tell that Nicky could feel the calmness and harmony too because he had a light smile on his face and when he looked at me he gave me one of his amazing crooked smiles and took my hand in his. We didn't talk or anything we just walked there side by side, my hand in his, just enjoying eath others company. I just wanted to freeze the time , I didn't want the walk to be over, it was just to good to be true. I know Tove and the rest of you think I shouldn't do this to myself because of my feelings for nico but the walk wasn't like that. I just didn't want the rest of the world to come back with all its anger and horror. We walked for like 1.5 hours when we got to the bay, we just sat down looking over the water and it was just so wonderful. I rested my head on nickys shoulder and he but his arm around my shoulders and we just sat there for like almost an hour. Then I got thinking of Tove and we desided to head back home and then drive over to see her. The walk back to the house was just as good as the walk to the bay and I just couldn't feel any better. It felt like everything was going to be okay and that I didn't have to worry about a thing anymore. It was the best feeling I have ever felt in a very long time.

When we got home again we met Shane and Kian in the hallway and they asked us where we had been, me and nicky just looked at eath other and smiled and told them we had gone for a walk. They just looked back at us and nodded, we asked them if they wanted to come with us to Tove and they said yes so after a few mintues we were on our way to see her.


When we entered Toves room we were greeted by not only Tove but also Niklas and Jonas! I havn't seen Jonas in like ages!! He just got up and gave me a huge hug and told me he had missed me. I hugged him back and when we parted I held him in an arm's length distance so that i could take a good look at him. He looked really good I must say and he still gives me that really adorable smile as he always has done. We sat back down after I had given Tove and niklas a hug and we started to talk. All of the sudden we heard the door open and there was linus. I told him to come in before he could run off again so he did. He looked alittle bit sceard because of all the people but after awhile he got more comfortable. I don't think he had been drinking today and he didn't look as horrible as he usually does. We actually got him to smile and laugh alittle today which was really nice but I can't say that I don't still worry about him. I can't help it, I mean he is after all my baby brother and you always worry about your babay brothers.

When it was time to head back home for dinner we asked if he wanted to join us and thankfully he said yes, so we left Tove with henrik who had just walked in to run some testes on Tove and drove home. We talked alot around the dinnertable but Linus didn't say so much. I think it was a good thing that he agreed to dine with us because he started to loosen up alittle bit and smiled when we told all these funny things we had been doing when we were younger and Jonas and Niklas shared some geart stories with us. After dinner Nico asked me if I wantd to take another walk with him and if you know me like I think you do I said yes.

When we finelly left the babbling band of baboons and headed down the street it felt just like that walk this morning. It was really nice and warm outside and there wasn't a wind at all. He took my hand like earlier and I couldn't help but smile for myself. Unfortunately everything was to good to be true because when we rounded a corner we bumped into Jessica and the girls. I just had to look into those ugly faces of theirs and I could feel the angre bubble up inside of me. As you can imagen they started to talk alot of stupid stuff about their meeting with Tove and then they sad alot of stuff about me again and all of the sudden Nico just stepped inbetween me and Jessica and told them to leave. The thing is i didn't want them to leave, I just wanted them to say one more thing so that they would draw me over the edge and suddenly they did. Jessica looked into Nickys face and asked if he was so stupid he had dumped Zara for me. (she said it in a very sarcastic way) I just couldn't hlep myself, I pushed Nico to the side and made my hand into a fist and punched her straight on her nose. It felt soooo good!!! If Nico hadn't grabed me around my waist to hold me back I would have beaten her to bits and pieces. He pulled me away from them and back around the corner, there he pressed me against the wall and asked if I was okay. I told him I was but that i just wanted to hit her one more time, he just laught softly and said it was a good punch. I couldn't help but smile and as I did that I stroke a lock of hair away from my face. I felt my hand hurted alittle but I suppose jessica has a pretty hard face. I didn't really want to stay there any longer but I didn't want to go home either so I took nicos hand and continued our walk and and headed towards a place me and Tove used to spend many hours when we were little.


When we got home again we found Niklas, Linus, Jonas, Mark, Kian, Shane, Lukas, Tobbe och Kellan in the livingroom talking and laughing. It's so nice to see Linus feel so comfortable around the lads ao thet he can even laugh and tell stories to. when he and Niklas noticed me and Nico both of them said in choir "Hey sis!". It was so nice to hear that and gave them both a bid smile. We sat down with them and joined them in the laughter and stories. I had such a good time and it felt like all my worries and all that has happened was just gone and everything was back to normal, or almost everything, Tove wasn't there but she soon will be. I can't wait!! She is coming home soon!! It's oing to be so great!! Although like Tove wrote in her inlay, Tove coming home means Nicky is going back home too. I'm going to miss him so much but I talked to him about that yesterday and he said he would love to come over once in awhile and stay the night. I don't think he is ready to let me go just yet because he still worries about me and he watches over me like a hawk. I just said that he could come over when ever he felt like it, he then gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and looked me deep in the eyes and told me he would always be there for me and he would never ever leave me.


Have you noticed how amazingly beautiful his eyes are? They are just soooooo gorgeous and they are filled with love, care and devotion. He is just an amazing man.

Oh! someone is knocking on the door.... it was nico. He asked if I wanted to come back downstairs and play some card with my brothers and the rest of the lads. So I guess I'm going to rap this up now but Tove will write tomorrow so don't worry, be happy ;)

Take care
Love
Madde