After a scary day

Heya!

Yes now we are one more person in the Alexandersson clan and we are so happy to say welcome to the world to Dennie. She is really beautiful and such a cutie but what can you expect with parents like hers. Anyway, I bet you want to hear more about todays events but first let me talk alittle about my day yesterday.

I have said many times that "this day was the worst day of my life" but I can seriously say that the 8th of november 2009 was seriously the most horrifying day of my whole life!! when I saw tove in the bed covered with blood, screaming I tought I was going to die myself. I might not know the pain she felt physically but I felt it emotionally and it was horrible!! And then when I finally got to the hospital and she was going to deliver the baby i tought I was going to die and faint or whatever... it was so hard and I don't think i have ever been so scared in my life. Tove told me that it would be okay if i left but I wasn't going to leave her there, I have done that enough in my life and especially this year so she needed me and I was not going to go anywhere! But when dennie finally was born i really needed some air and I went out to the family and Jared gave me a hug but I just needed some air so i let go of him and I went outside, into the park where Nicky took me after my gunshoot, and sat down on a bench. I couldn't stop crying, I guess all the suspense was starting to fade away and it left a whole bunch of tears behind. After awhile I felt someone sit down next to me and I knew it was someone I knew, I actually thought it was jared, so I just burried my face in his chest and cried but as soon as I did that I knew it was nicky. He did his best to comfort me and he said "Everything is going to be okay. Tove is fine and so is dennie.". But i just couldn't stop crying so we sat there for a good while and then he said "Sweety, talk to me." I sobbed and dried some tears but it didn't help and I said "I'm so scared!! I was so close at losing her, I can't stand losing her!". Then I threw my arms around him again and cried and he stroke my hair and kissed it and said "I know honey, I was scared too and I just wanted to be there for you and her.". I looked at him and said "You are always around when i need you... I first thought you were Jared but I should have guessed...". He stroke my cheek and said "And I always will be here for you when you need me, always. Well he asked me to go after you.". I looked at him and said "I know you will and I love you for that. Why did he do that?" Nicky stroke a few tears away from my cheek and said "Good, becuase I want you to know that. I don't know, he was on his way out here but then he stopped and asked me to go after you... of course he didn't have to ask twice...". I moved alittle clsoer and he wrapped his arms around me and when he does that I always calm down alittle and that was something I really needed right there and then and i said "A part of me wishes it would have been him and a part of me is so happy that he asked you.". He held me closer and whispered "Why were you happy that it was me?" I said "Because... becuase Jared has never seen me like this and I'm scared that he will do lik before and back away when I need him. And I know that you would never do that.". he kissed my cheek and said "Have faith in him, he's scared today to and I think that he wanted me to go after you because of the fact that he has never seen you like this and he scared that he will not be able to comfort you like i am. And you're right, I would never do that but like I said, have some faith in him.". I looked up at him and I could see how hard it was for him to say those words to me and I stroke his cheek and said "You're an amazing man nicky... and I will have faith in him, I just wish I knew what he was thinking and why h was thinking insted of acting. Thank you...". He took a deep breath and said "And you are an amazing woman. Good, he is a good man and I can tell that he truly loves you... jsut like me. Ask him, you can't read his mind, so let him tell you about insted. No problem honey, I would do anything for you.". I smiled slightly and he brushed a few more tears away and said "You have no idea how sick I am of seeing you cry so much, I hate it. You're beautiful face was made for smiling not crying and I hate that you hurt so much, I hate this year.". I kissed his cheek and said "Jared is a good man and so are you. yeha he does but i don't know if i deserve him.... he is to good for me, I've caused him so much pain. I will ask him... Well, I'm sick crying so, I ahte this year to but a few parts of it has been really ncie.". He smiled alittle and said "Of course you do, you are an amazing woman and you deserve the best and even though it hurts me to say it but I think he is the best for you. Yeah I agree, a few parts have been good.". I wrinkled my forehead and tried to read his face and said "I don't want to hurt you Nicky, you mean so much to me." he stroke the lins I got on my forehead and said "I'll be fine, worry about yourself for once. You wanna go back inside and see the baby?". As soon as he said that I got another pit in my stomach and he saw that at once and said "or we can just sit here for a while longer. Are you cold?". I shook my head and said "Thank you, I'm not ready yet... no, I'm not, you give me wormth." He held me closer and said "I don't blame you, it must have been hard to see. Well, I'm glad I can do something for you.". I said "it was... I just wish I could do something for tove insted of just being scared and making her scared too.". He stroke my arm and said "You are doing everything you can for her and I bet she appreciates it alot.". I shook my head and said "I couldn't even convince her to see her baby.." he sighed and said "Sweety... you can't do everything, you are strong and wonderful in every way but you are not a superwoman who can do it all.... no one is. Maybe Krisen or zara or someone who has had a baby can convice her.". I closed my eyes and was so close at crying again and said "But I want to be able to do everything for her, I her best friend, I'm suppose to be better then I am. I guess that is a part of tove I will never know just like she will never know this part becuase you are always the one who is here.". He didn't say anything for a while but then he said "Yuo can't be better then you are, you're amazing already. I guess so but has she never seen you sad?". I got out of his grip alittle and looked at him and said "Yes I can... of course she has seen me sad but I've never been this sad around her becuase I only get this sad when something is threatening her life.".He stroke my cheek and said "No you can't baby... in that case I'm sorry that you guys have something you can't completly share with each other but I'm glad that I can be here for you insted of tove.". I shivered a little because of the cold air outside and said "whatever... I'm sad about that too but I guess that is a part of us that will only be fore others... I'm glad that you are here too, you really know how to make me feel better.". He smiled alittle and said "I guess so. I'm doing my best and I'm happy that i can make you feel better.". I smiled and stood up and held out my hadn and said "I think I'm ready..." he smiled and took my hand and got up and said "then let's go.". But before we had gone more then 2 steps he stopped me and turned me around and gave me a hug and said "Know that i will always be here for you and if you need to talk or cry or anything, I'm here.". I smiled and said "I know and I love you for that." then he kissed my forehead and we went inside and when we had walked all the stairs up to where the others were I walked over to Jared and he gave me a big hug and I said "let's o inside.". He smiled and nodded and after that you know the story.

Anyway today when I woke up I was lying on Jareds arm and he was still sleeping and he looked so peaceful. I smiled and stroke his cheek softly and he mummbled alittle in his sleep and then I softly pressed my lips against his and he softly kissed me back. I smiled and looked at him and he slowly opened his eyes and smiled back and said "Good morning darling.". I smiled and stroke his cheek and said "Morning babe." he smiled and kissed me again and then he yawned and said "So when do you want to go to the hospital today and see tove, jensen and dennie?". I shrugged and said "I don't know... as soon as possible but first I would like to know something...". He sat up slightly and siad "okay... what?" I did as he and sat up and said "Why did you ask Nicky to go after me yesterday insted of doing it yourself?". he looked down on the bed and looked really uncomfortable so I placed a finger under hus chin and forced his head up and he siad "Becuase I don't know if I would have been able to help you but I knew that Nicky would..". I put my hand on his cheek and said "Of course you would have helped. You just need to hold me and that makes everything in the world better.But yes, Nicky knows how to help me and comfort me but that is becuase he has been there this whole year, through everything and he has seen me at my worst.". Jared nodded and said "And I haven't... I'm sorry. I should have been there through out this year but I wasn't.. I was a dick and I'm glad Nicky was there for you.". I said "maybe so but you are here now and that is what matters. I love you Jared and I would have been happy if it had been you who came after me yesterday.". He nodded and said "I love you too honey. Maybe so but Nicky did his job, didn't he.". I said "And you know what he said? He told me to have faith in you, that you were just scared but that you would come through nad I believe him. I do have faith in you.". He siad "He siad that?" I nodded and said "Nicky is a good man and he really cares... and you are a good man to, you just have to get through the fear and come for me when I need you and not send Nico.". He smiled and said "Yes he is a good man. I promise you that I will do that. I love you.". I smiled and siad "And I love you." he leaned in and gave me a deep kiss and then he pulled me closer and laid down again so I rested my head on his chest.

I don't know how long we were lying there but then someone knocked on the door and slowly opened it and peeked in and there was Sherri again and she said "Sorry now I'm interrupting again.". We smiled and I said "No you're not, don't worry about it." she smiled and walked in and sat down on a chair next to the bed and she said "So how do you guys feel about being god parents then?". Jared smiled and said "It's amazing but it was so scary yesterday... I'm so glad tove and dennie are both okay.". I said "Yeah it was horrible but it's nice to know that they both are fine.". Sherri nodded and said "So when are you guys going over there?" I shrugged and said "As soon as possible I guess. We should get dressed and eat some breakfast and then go.". Sherri nodded and said "Well let's go then you lovebirds." we laughed and she smiled and left the room and I gave Jared a kiss ad said "I love you.". He smiled and said "I love you too, now let's go." I smiled and we got up and Jared went to take a shower and I got dressed and went downstairs while he did that. I met Sherri, Jerry, Krisen, johan and johanna in the kitchen and I said "Well Johanna, how does it feel to miss the biggest thing that has ever happened this year?". She sighed and said "I can't believe I missed it but still I had a pretty good night myself anyway.". She gave me a cheesy smile and I said "I acutally would have rather gone through a night like yours insted of the night I went through. i never want to go through something like that ever again.". Everyone started to laugh but then I understood that they weren't laughing at me so I turned around and saw Jared stand behind me and his hair was a total mess. He usually combs his hair when he get out of the shower and he always look so sexy in the but this time the hair stood on end and he looked so funny!! I just bursted out laughing and said "What's up with the hair?!" he laughed and made a pose and said "Don't I look sexy?". I laughed and shook my head and said "you always look sexy but baby still, what's up with the hair?!" he made a sad face which amde us laugh even harder and then he went upstairs and when he came back he had combed it and he looked so sexy and he said "and now?". I smiled and walked over to him and said "Now I would just want to rip your clothes off!". He smiled and then we heard someone clear their throat behind us and I turned around and Jerry said "maybe it would be better if you went upstairs and did that.". I felt alittle embarressed but then I said "Yeah maybe we should do that." and gave Jared a cheesy smile but he siad "remember tove?". I sighed and jerry said "You didn't get embarressed at all did you?" I shrugged and said "alittle maybe." and Jared hugged me and said "Almost nothing embarresses her, that is why I love her so much becuase she isn't afraid of saying what she thinks or what other people think of her.". I smiled and kissed him and said "Well something I do care about what people think but not when it comes to sex or something regarding sex.". Everyone laughed and Jared kissed me and then we started to make breakfast and we had a really nice time at the table with everyone. Then I asked if johanna wanted to come with us to the hospital and she said that she was going to go there later... she had some things to do first, I wonder what. Anyway after eating I went upstairs to take a shower to and when I was done Jared and i took the lambo and drove off to the hospital where Jensen already was.

When we got to there we gave Tove and jensen a hug each and then Jared walked over to dennie at once and looked at her while she was sleeping. I sighed and asked how Tove was doing and she said "Good and dennie is doing just fine too.". I smiled and said "Well I told you so didn't I?" she smiled and said "I guess you did. Do you want to hold her?". I stared at her like she was crazy and said "No!" and Jensen said "Why not?" I said "I.. I will probobly drop her or something and I don't like babies.". He sighed and picked her up and walked over to me and said "Take her.". i shook my head and said "no!" and then he said "Okay, fine... just touch her then.". I slowly stroke her soft little cheek and then she stretched out her arms and I stroke her arm and then she took a hold of my finger with her tiny hand and I just froze. I'm so scared that I will hurt her or something and she was really holding on thight on my finger and then Tove said "Madde, you're smiling.". I stopped smileing and said "no I'm not, she is really holding on thight. She'll become a strong girl.". Everyone smiled and tove said "Yeah I know. Hold her." I shook my head but then Jensen just gave her to me and i just stood there, holding her and suppoting her head and then she slowly opened her eyes and looked at me with her bright blue eyes. I just stared at her and then I said "She's looking at me. Make her stop. Please jensen, take her!". He laughed and stood behind me and stroke Dennies forehead and he whispered "Isn't she wonderful? You will make an amazing god mother, don't worry so much darling.". I took a deep breath and looked at dennie adn she smiled which made her eyes just become lines and she looked so cute and I just couldn't keep myself from smileing. But then then door opened and nicky and Zara walked in and Zara gave tove a hug and nicky just said hi and then he walked over to me and gave me a smile and said "So you're holding her.". I said "you can take her if you want to!" he laughed and kissed my cheek adn said "No, this sight is pretty magical. Madde Karlsson with a baby in her arms. You would make a really beautiful mother.". I stared at him and then Zara came over and stroke dennies cheek and asked "Can I borrow her?" and I was just so happy to get rid of her so I let her take dennie but as soon as dennie left my arms she started to scream and cry adn Zara tried to comfort her but without results and Nicky said "maybe she wants to go back to madde.". i stared at him adn said "i don't want to hold her when she sound like that!" and Nicky said "Don't worry, maybe she'll stop if you hold her.". I gave him a doubting look and zara shrugged and gave me dennie again who immediately stopped crying and screaming. I just looked at her with big eyes and everyone else smiled and Tove said "She really likes you Madde.". I looked at her and then at the rest of them and said "no, it was just a coincidence.". Jared laughed and walked over to me and said "And why is that, why can't a baby like you?" I said "Becuase I don't like babies but maybe they are like dogs, dogs always goes to people who doesn't like them...". Everyone started to laugh again and I said "Jensen take her, please." and he finally did as I asked and he put her back down in the incubator. After that we all just stood there talking for a while and then I felt a hand on my arm and Nicky said "Can I talk to you for a sec?". I nodded and we excused ourselfs and went out to the corridore and walked through it until we came to the café where we took a coffee and sat down. He took a sip of his coffee and he siad "So how's things today?". I warmed my hands on the cup and said "Well it's pretty good.. I'm not as scared as I was yesterday..." he said "And Jared?". I took a sip of the coffee and the I said "I talked to him this morning and he siad that the reason he didn't follow me but sent you insted was because he was afraid and that he though I wanted you there insted of him.". He said "But you told him that it was him that you wanted there?" I nodded and said "Yes...". He nodded and then he siad "You know that if you need to talk, I'm always here." I smiled slightly and said "I know Nicky and appreciate that so much.". He smiled and said "I'm glad. So... boxing?". I smiled and said "Ehm. I was thinking of maybe the day after tomorrow, if you are free then?" he smiled and said "yep, that sounds great! I can't wait. haven't been boxing in ages.". I laughed and said "Me niether! Not since the casts got off! Ages ago!" he laughed and tehn we just sat there talking and laughing for a while. I love to talk to him, he is so easy to talk to and he understands and cars so much and to laugh with him is even better. love it.

Anyway after talking for a pretty long while we went back to toves room but before we went in I gave nicky a hug and said "Thank you". He smiled adn said "For what?" and I said "For being you.". then we opened the door and walked in adn everyone was talking and Jared gave me a smile and I smiled abcka nd walked over to him. Then Zara said "So Jensen, this year must have been the best year ever for you, or atleast these last 6 months.". He smiled and said "ohyeah! it's been amazing! I'm with the woman I love more then anything, I have a beautiful baby girl with that woman and I'm going to marry her in december.". Then I tought of something and screamed "FUCK!!!" and everyone looked at me and Jensen said "What?" and I said "The dress!!!". I picked up my phone and called Tony ato once and he said "Yes?" and I said "Tony!!! The dress!! we have to change it!!". Then he paniced an said "What? Why?!" and I said "Tove isn't fat anymroe!!!" and he just screamed in my ear "What!!? Whe's given birth!?". I said "Yes!! You need to get your ass over here adn take her new measurements!". Tove just shook her head and Tony said "i'll be over in a few!" and then we hung up. Tove said "We don't need to do that now!" I just satred at her and said "Yes we do because he needs to fix the dress adn everything before the 8th of december.". she said "no, before the 8th of december next year, he has a whole year to fix that dress!". I shook my head and after a while it knocked on the door and we said come in and Tony walked through the door. When he saw jensen he just stared at i said "The measurements!" he nodded and took toves measurements and then I said "Now you can give Jensen a hug." and Jensen just stared at me with fear in his eyes and Tony smiled and walked over to him and hugged him and he didn't let go so after a while Jensen said "Ehm. Tony... Can you stop hugging me?". Tony slowly let go of him and then I said "Now go home and fix the dress!" but tony just looked at Jensen who said "Tony can you please go home and fix the dress now?". Tony shook his head and said "soon." and then Jensen said "Okay, I will do what ever you want, ALMOST! as long as you go away now.". Tonys eyes got soooo big it was crazy adn he said "ANYTHING?" and Jensen said "ALMOST! no kissing, no sex and nothing like that!". Tony said "Can I touch you?" Jensen thought for a while and said "Above the belt in that case!" and Tony smiled and said "Your abs?". Jensen sighed and said "Yes, one touch on my abs...". Then tony said "And your back?" jensen sighed again and siad "Fine, if you leave now!". And tony said "Okay. Bye everyone!" and left. We all laughed at him and Jensen said "What is his problem?!" and tove said "The same problem as I have, you are two sexy to be true and we can't keep our hands off.". Jensen just shook his head and then I said to Jared "Maybe we should head home for dinner.". he nodded and we said goodbye and gave everyone a hug and then Jensen said "I'll be there later.." we nodded and then we left them and drove off home. When we got there everyone was just about to sit down and eat so we joined them and we talked and laughed and had a good family dinner. After dinner we all sat down in the livingroom and watched some movies and talked and just had a good time but I missed Tove alot. Then I remembered that i hadn't told Jared that I was going boxing so I told him and he nodded and Jerry said "You box?". I smiled and said "jared haven't told you that?". He shook his head and said "no he haven't. You didn't really strike me as a boxer.". I smiled and said "Well I love it and I have given Jared around for his money a few times.". Jared laughed and My said "She borke his ribs once." both sherri and jerry looked at me and jared with big eyes and I said "It was not my fault! it was his own!". Jared huffed and said "You took your top off!" And then Jerry and sherri stared even more and I said "But you did it before I did!!". Jared huffed and said "Yeah well it was getting warm!" and I said "You were doing it to distract me!". He stared at me and said "And why would I do that!?" I said "becuase I was beating you up!". He let out a sarcastic laugh and siad "Yeah right!" I stared at him and said "Okay, you wanna go for a match right here?! Let's go! I have some gloves upstairs!". And then krisen said "No, no fighting in here!"we both stared at her and Jerry said "Ehm, I agree with Kristina, let's just sit down and talk insetd.". I gave Jared an evil look and hit his arm hard and he let out an "ow!" but then we just talked about other things and forgot about or little argument :P

After a few hours Jared and I went to bed and he fell asleep at once but I was just lying there, couldn't sleep so I got up without waking Jared up and took on one of his shirts and went downstairs and into the kitchen to get something to eat but when I got downstairs I saw that someone was sitting in the livingroom. I went to the kicthen and got a glass of milk and went to the livingroom adn peeked in and I saw Sherri sit at the window looking out, at the same spot I was sitting when I was looking at the moon when Nicky adn I decieded that we were going to stop seeing each other so often. I hawked and she turned around and gave me a soft smile and I walked over to her and sat down next to her and she said "Can't you sleep?". I shook my head and took a sip of my milk glass and said "No. You?" she shook her head and said "no, I came down here and then I just ended up here looking at the stars and moon.". I smiled slightly and looked at the moon and the stars and Sherri said "What is the story with you and that man, nicky?". I bit my lip and said "I thought Jared told you." she said "He gave us the short story I think...". I said "I began to get feelings for Nicky in january and we started to hang out more and then Tove got sick and my father came looking for me and told me that he was sick and dying and Nicky was there for me and my feelings grew deeper and obviously he started to shear my feelings and we broke many hearts and I almost lost everyone...". She looked at me and I felt a tear roll down my face and she siad "Your dad came looking for you and told you that he was going to die?" i nodded and she said "And then tove got sick?" once again I nodded and she said "And Nicky was the only one who was there for you?". I took a deep breath adn nodded and she said "where was Jared?" I said "Somewhere else... I had no one to turn to except Nicky and he really cares about me and I have never felt like that for anyone before and.... and I still love him.". She took my hadn and said "You do?" I nodded and said "Yes.. I'm trying so hard to get over him and just think of him as a really good friend and I pray to god that I will get those strong feelings for jared... soon.". She said "Jared really loves you, he told us that he had made some mistakes and that he was worried that you were never going to want him back..". I looked at her and said "i do want him... I love Jared but he was never there when I needed him but nicky was... Both Jared and I have changed this year, after us breaking up he has become more careing and loveing and he is more like jensen in a way and Nicky has changed me to the better to because i know what true love is now and I want that again but with Jared this time.". She smiled alittle and said "I know that you guys will be together again adn I know you love him and he loves you. Is Jared fine with you and nicky being friends?". I nodded and said "Thank you, I hope you're right. Yes.. or atleast that is what he says but he said that he want us to be friends because that is the least he can do to thank nikcy for being there for me when jared was't.". She smiled and said "In that case I think he is fine. Jared is a good man and he truly loves you and he will give you the time you need to get over Nicky.". I smiled alittle and siad "yes he is and I love him. I hope he does.". Then she said "I would like to meet Nicky alittle bit more and get to know him. After hearing so much both good and bad about him I would like to make up my own mind.". I said "Who has talked bad about him?" she said "I heard Tove talk to some girl... she doesn't seem to like him at all...". I sighed and said "She doesn't... She hates him more then anything on earth but the person she should hate is me because I'm the one who took Nicky from Zara and I'm the one who fell in love with him before he fell for me.". She stroke my cheek and said "Don't fight with her.. i can tell that you are upset that she doesn't like him but just let her be. Does nicky still love you?". I shrugged and said "I think so but I'm not sure... And I can't help but feel sad about that becuase..." and she said "Because you still love him. Sweetheart I know how it is to fall in love with a man you can't have and to then fall out of love with him is so hard. But me and this man are still good friends and we see each other pretty often.". I smiled alittle and said "Yeah I still love him. You are? I want to be that with nikcy too becuase I know that I need him in my life one way or the other and I don't know what to do if Jared can't acctept that.". She said "Don't worry, he is going to be fine with it and you and nikcy will be really good friends forever. Well, now I'm going to go to bed. Goodnight sweetheart. I love you.". i smiled and she kissed my forehead adn I said "Goodnight and thank you. I love you too sherri.". She smiled and left me sitting there looking at the moon. I sat there for a while and then I went upstairs again and started to blog so here I am now but I think I'm going to go to bed and fall asleep in jareds arms now. Nightie!

Take care
Love
Madde