Sorry for my feelings

Hey...

Well you lot must think that I'm the worst kind of bitch out there right now because of what happened yesterday and why I got angry well I'll explain myself later in thsi inlay. Firt of all, let's start from the beginning.

Yesterday when Jared came up to our room he just went straight to bed and I was still kind of pissed off so we didn't say so much to each other but this morning when I woke up I turned around and saw Jareds back turned to me and it just felt so wrong. I would have done anything to go back to the day before yesterday becuase it was such an amazing day. Anyway I sighed and moved closer to his back and put a hand on his arm and kissed his shoulder and said "Are you awake?". He rolled around so he was lying on his back and he looked at me with resolute gaze but he didn't say anything and I said "I'm so sorry about yesterday, I really am.". He sighed and said "It's okay.." I shook my head and said "So you're not telling me the truth anymore? I thought we agreed to do that.". He said "I am telling the truth, of course I got hurt yesterday but I'm alright, I can tell that you are sorry and I can't be angry with you.". I said "thank you but I want you to be able to be angry with me because I don't deserve your kindness right now.". He stroke my cheek and I don't think I could ever enjoy a touch that much and he said "Sometimes I also wished I could be angry with you but I can't. I love you to much.". I smiled alittle and said "I love you too, please don't doubt that." he smiled and said "I don't doubt that.". I smiled and he pulled me closer to a kiss and it felt so good that he forgave me so fast but now I really have to talk to both nicky and zara... Anyway after a while of cuddeling we took a shower each, put some clothes on and walked downstairs and into the kitchen where Krisen, Johan, Johanna nad My was eating. Everyone just stared at me and My gave me an evil eye and I walked over to her and squated infront of her and said "My, please forgive me. I'm so sorry for everything I said and did yesterday... I don't know what happened and you have to understand that it's hard for me to see nicky with zara because I still love him.". She said "I hate you, why do you still love him, I tought you loved Jared." I took a deep breath adn looked at Jared who was making breakfast then I looked back at My and said "I'm sorry. I don't know, I do love Jared so much but I can't just snap my fingers and fall out of love with nicky because I have such strong feelings for him.". She said "Why not?" I shrugged and said "I don't know... I hate that I can't fall out of love with him that fast because I don't want to love him like that. I just want to love him as my friend.". She nodded and said "I want you to fall out of love with him that fast too.". I nodded and said "So... you forgive me?" she thought for a while and then she nodded and I smiled and gave her a hug and said "Thank you so much honey. And I'm so sorry for what I said, nicole is not better then you, you are my sister and not her.". She smiled and said "It's okay. I love you Madde." I smiled adn said "I love you too." then I got up and Jared was done with our breakfast so we sat down and began to eat. After a while Johanna said "Okay I can't keep my mouth shut anymore, what the fuck happened yesterday?!". I said "I can explain tonight... I have to tlak to zara and nicky first and explain to them...". She nodded and Johan siad "Where you jealous?" I shook my head and said "Well I guess it doesn't matter if I say that I wasn't becuase you wouldn't believe me but I wasn't jealous... it was something else it was about..". He nodded and said "I do believe you Madde... I'm here for you, we all are.". I nodded adn said "Thank you Johan. I know you are and I'm greatful for that...". He smiled and then he got up and pulled me out of my chair and held me close and it was a really nice hug and he said "I love you honey." I smiled and kissed his cheek and said "i love you too.". When we let go I sat back down adn finished my breakfast and then I kissed Jared and told him that I would be home as soon as possible and then I went to the garage and got in my car and drove off to Nickys.

I stood parked outside his house for a while and thought about the best way to do this and then i walked up to the door and knocked and hoped that it would be Nicky who opened. And thank god it was nicky and he looked pretty shocked when he saw me but then he gave me a soft look and held out his arms to me and I quickly walked into them and he wrapped them around me and kissed my hair and i breathed in his scent and hugged him back. After a while he siad "Let me take my jacket and we can take a walk." I nodded and he got his jacket and called out that he was going for a walk and then we left. First we drove the lambo back home and then we began our walk. After about an hour or so we got to the bench and I took Nickys arm and pulled him down on the bench and he said "Are you okay honey?". I shook my head and said "I'm so sorry about yesterday... I really am." he stroke my cheek and said "Darling, it's okay. What happened? Everyone thought you were angry but you weren't were you?". I shook my head and I felt tears build up in my eyes and he took my hand and said "please tell me, I'm here for you and I would do anything for you.". A tear began to roll down my cheek and he quickly stroke it away with his thumb and I said "I don't know... I just saw zara flirting with that guy and..." he interrupted and said "And you thought it would hurt me?". I nodded and said "But not just that... She hurt me when she did that... It felt like she just took a knife and shoved it through my heart and twisted it.". More tears fell down my face and Nicky looked really confused and sad at the same time and he pulled me into a hug and I cried for a while and after I had calmed down alittle he said "How come she hurt you? I'm sorry that I don't understand but please make me understand.". I said "It was like everything I've done for her didn't mean anything... I've really tried my hardest to make things right between you and her and I've given her so many chances and yesterday it was like she didn't care how hard it was for me.". Nicky looked down and I knew he was about to ask something he didn't want to ask because it would hurt me so I said "Just ask, Nicky.". He sighed and said "I don't think I'm really the one wondering about this, but tove and zara and sara is probobly wondering... what things have you done? I mean I know that you've really tried but specifically what?". Once again tears fell down my cheeks and I said "I gave you up... I broke my heart and left here while I went to Sligo... I told you stuff that killed me inside to say but I did it for her. Becuase I knew that you and me was wrong and I wanted to make things right, I wanted my friend to be happy... Being away from you when I was in sligo really killed me, everything that happened and the knowledge of you and her together again was just to much. But I knew that it was suppose to be that way so I let be miserable so that she would be happy again.". A silent tear fell down nickys cheek and I slowly raised my hadn and brushed it away and he put his hand over mine and pressed his face against my hand and said "Oh honey... I don't know what to say, I understand now why she hurt you and I hate to see you like this... you're even making me cry." he laughed alittle and I said "I'm trying so hard to fall out of love with you and I'm only doing it for three people, Jared, zara nad tove. Because I love them and I want them to be happy and if that means I have to give you up and forget about what could have been between us I will. But then she goes around adn flirt and have sex with other guys and that realyl hurts because I won't see her hurt you...". He pulled me closer and held me tight and said "You should tell everyone about this so that they will understadn your behaviour yesterday, and espcially to zara becuase she really hats fighting with you and she wants to be your friend. she loves you.". I said "I will.. I'm going to talk to zara when we get home and then the family will know at dinner... I love her too and I want to be her friend...". We borke from the hug and he kissed my cheek and forehead and said "Good. I'm sorry if i've done anything to hurt you. I love you so much honey!". I stroke his cheek and said "You haven't done anything to hurt me and I love you too. You are such an amazing man and any girl who get to feel your love is sooo lucky and I'm happy that I had the chance to feel it becuase it's so amazing and I loved every single moment of it. You have heart of gold and just everything about you is wonderful and you are an amazing friend and I love you so.". He just sat there and then he pressed his soft, warm lips against my cheek and held them there for a while and then he said "Jared is a lucky man who be around you and feel you and touch you and kiss you and be with you whenever. But I'm a lucky man too becuase I've felt the love that you have in your heart and it's the most overwhelming and amazing thing in the world but I'm also lucky to have you as one of my closest friends and to able to talk to you like this and be near you and see you, your smile, your beautiful eyes and just that glow around around you that makes me smile everytime is to great. I love you, and not because I can't have you or becuase I have those feelings about you, it becuase you are an amazing woman and you take other people before you when it matters even though it hurt you like hell. You are one of the most perfect beings out there and I love you for that.". Once again I bursted out crying but this time it wasn't sad tears it was because of all the wonderful things he said about me and now it really feel like we have taken a step closer to our goal, to just be friends.

After another hour of just talking and enjoying each others company we started to walk home and when we got to nickys place again we walked in and found zara and sara in the kitchen. Sara gave me a really mean glare when she saw me and I turned to Zara and said "Can I please talk to you, alone?". She nodded and then Sara was about to say something but Nicky said "Sara don't even think about it!". I gave him a thankful look and he took my hand and squeezed it and I followed Zara to her room and sat down on the bed and she closed the door. She sat down on a chair infront of me and said "So? You're here to yell at me?". I shook my head and said "No, I'm here to explaine." she nodded and then she looked shocked as she saw a tear roll down my face and she sat down next to me and said "What's up Madde?". I said "This is hard, I don't know where to start... When you... When I saw you flirting with that guy... it... it really broke my heart. I wasn't angry last night, I was hurt but I didn't want to show it becuase everyone would think that I was silly and would complaine about it.". She looked really confused and said "I'm sorry but I don't really understand... How did I break your heart? I thought you were angry becuase I hurt nicky.". I shook my head and said "that's just a small part of it... You know how I feel about Nicky because you feel it too... But there is one thing you don't know and that is how it is to leave the man you truly love to another woman becuase it wasn't meant to be... I left Nicky and followed Shane to sligo and I did it for you, I did it so that you and Nicky would work things out and it was the hardst thing I have ever done and I don't think I will ever face something harder then that. I have never felt the way I feel about nicky before and to leave him to you was so hard and then to find out that you guys.... that you guys had sex really broke my heart but of course Nicky fixed it the next day but then I find out that his feelings for you was coming back and I don't think my heart has healed from that yet....". when I was done talking my whole face was wet with salty tears and Zara was crying too and she said "You're right, I don't know what that feels like and you have no idea how greatful I am for what you've done to help us fix our realtionship. I'm so sorry for all the pain we have caused you, we didn't mean to.". I dried some tears away and said "That's the thing, you tell me that you are greatful and I don't doubt that but when you flirt with another man then nicky you just spit on my attempts to help. It feels like you don't give a damn about what I've done for you. Of course I don't even have the right to ask you for anything because I've hurt you too but can't we just start over and forget about everything?". She threw her arms around me and i hugged her back adn she cried "I'm so so sorry Madde! I never thought about it like that, I never thought that I was hurting you and nicky at the same time. I would love to start over again and to fix everything and Madde, I want you and Nicky to be friends and hang out and laugh and have fun. I see how happy around each other and somehow I don't think that has anything to do about the way you feel for one another, it's because you have so much in common and that you have so much fun together. You know a part of Nicky that I will probobly never see and he knows a part of you that no one has ever seen so I know you are close friends and I want it to be that way.". I cried so much and said "Thank you for understanding nad for wanting us to be friends. i don't know what I would do without Nicky, he is such a good friend and I can talk to him about every little thing that I want to talk about, of course I can tlak to tove as well but it's nice to have alot of people to talk to.". She nodded and we let go of each other and then we smiled alittle and left the room and walked out to Sara and Nicky in the kitchen. nicky stood up as he saw us and he held out his arms to us and both of us walked into them and hugged him and it was a really nice hug but then we heard the door open and Emma say "Hello!". After alittle while she walked through the door and she still looked like the zombie and zara nad nicky just stared at her and she said with a smile "Hi Madde! here's Toves shoes, can you thank her for lending them to me?". I nodded and said "Sure thing honey. did you have fun?". She smiled and said "IF! It was the best party ever and thank you for the dress and the make up and everything! I looked amazing, best of everyone there!". I smiled and said "Told you that you were my finest creation. Glad you had a good time." then nicky said "what on earth are you wearing?". I didn't dare look at him becuase I knew he was angry and emma said "A dress I borrowed form Madde, don't I look sexy and scary?". Nicky didn't say anything but Zara said "Go to your room and wash off and get in your own clothes!". Emma gave her an anry stare but did as Zara said and then both zara and nicky turned to me and nicky said "Didn't I say, nothing sexy?" I looked at him and said "Yes you did...". He stared at me and said "And you don't call that sexy!!" i said "yeah I do, she looked stunning! but Nicky, she is 15 years old... she needs to have some fun. Let grow up, let her be a teenager!". He just shook his head and I said "What's done is done. I'm sorry i made your daughter look sexy and goregous but she asked me and she is my friend and I wanna help her.". Zara shook her head and said "By making her look like that?" I said "Well that was nothing! You should ahve seen the dress she wanted to borrow but I said now, that was the least sexy dress I owe. i could have made her look even worse!". nicky said "Thank god you didn't!" I smiled and said "I have to go, it's dinner and i have to tell the family... se you guys later.". They nodded and I hugged Zara and and then nicky followed me to the door and he wrapepd his arms around me and whispered "Good luck, if you need me just call. Love you.". I smiled and kissed his cheek and said "thanks, i know. love you too." then I walked off home.

When I got home it was dinner and everyone was sitting in the kitchen and when I walked throught the door Jared got up and walked over to me adn hugged me and it felt so nice. I don't know how long we hugged but then he said "Have you been crying?". I nodded and then we sat down on our seats and I sat next to tove so I gave her a hug and said "I'm sorry and I love you.". She smiled and said "It's okay, I love you too." then I said "Ehm... I guess I owe you guys and explination about my behaviour last night. I'm sorry about it and it was because...." and I told them why and that i was hurt and all that and then Jared said "So it wasn't because she hurt him, it was because she hurt you?". I nodded and Krisen said "Well, you should ahve controlled you emotions better but I know you are an emotional person and I'm sorry that she hurt you.". I nodded and said "I know and that's why I'm sorry, I'm sorry yelling and behaving like I did and I'm so sorry My, once again.". She smiled and said "It's okay I'm not angry with you anymore but I'm angry with zara for hurting you.". I shook my head and laughed slightly and said "Don't be angry with her, she didn't know that it hurt me but she does now. Anyway, thank you guys for not asking so much.". they nodded and Jared squeezed my hand and then we continued to eat.

After dinner Jared, Jensen, Tove and i watched movies all night and it was really nice, I got a few texts from Nicky who asked how everything went and so forth and it was a really good night. Now I'm lying in bed blogging nad Jared is watching tv but I think I'm going to go now and cuddle up closer to him and take back the time we lost together yesterday because i was upset.

Tove will blog tomorrow.
Take care
Love
Madde