Good day?

Heya.

Well Tove and I aren't fighting sooo much but we aren't exacly soo close either.. I just get so irritated with her when she behave like this. she told me that she was going to try and see my side of this and how hard it really is for me not to hang with nicky all the time or to kiss him or whatever and it has actally become easier now after a few weeks and I'm so happy for that. And then this happened, I went to Nicky early in the morning to talk becuase he knew I was hurt and he wanted to talk to me and make sure I was okay so I went there and we talked and I have to say that it was the most painful talk I've ever had in my life. Even harder then when I broke up with pontus or anyone and it's because Nicky returned the key to my heart so that I can give it to Jared and I'm happy he did that becuase I've been looking for it. And then we said goodbye to each other as a "couple" and he gave me a goodbye kiss and I can tell you that it was a real goodbye kiss becuase I've never gotten a kiss like that before, it was the worst kiss i've ever gotten. But I know that it was the only thing to do, to say goodbye like that so that we can give ourself to Jared and zara completely and I am ready to do that now. I'm not going to be jealous anymore of nicky and zara and I'm not going to care about my feelings for nicky. Now I'm only going to have one man in my head and that is Jared and only Jared.

Anyway, let me tell you about my day.

This morning when I woke up i felt really sad for some reason and I noticed that Jared was lying one his side of the bed and I was on my side of the bed so I quickly cuddled closer to him and rested my head on his shoulder and he mumbled alittle and wrapped his arms around me and it felt alittle bit better. After lying there awake being sad he woke up and said "Good morning honey.". I didn't say anything back so he stroke my arm and said "You awake?" I nodded and he said "Everything okay?". I shook my head and looked at him and he stroke my cheek and said "What's wrong darling? You look so sad, is it because of tove?". I shrugged and said "maybe alittle." then he said "is it because of nicky?". I quickly shook my head and said "No! I'm sad because I missed you yesterday.". His face softened and he said "You did?" I nodded and said "I needed you yesterday... But I'm glad you had a good day with jensen and tove.". He wrinkled his forehead and said "You said you wanted to be alone..." then he seemed to understand and he said "but you didn't mean it... I'm sorry.". I felt that buring sensation in my nose like when you're close to tears and I said "It's not your fault... you didn't know.". He said "But I should have known that you needed me." I didn't say anything and he siad "Nicky would have known...". I sat up and said "Don't talk like that." he sat up to and looked sad and said "It's the truth." I said "i don't care. I'm with you and you'll learn... Jared, I love you and I want to be with you and only you. But I'm scared... I'm scared that you will ignore me when I'm hurting and when I'm sad, when I need you the most.". He put his right hand on my thigh and he said "I won't do that I promise. I love you so much and I'll always be here for you when you need me, when you're hurting or am sad, I swear.". I stroke his cheek and said "I have faith in you and I promise you that I won't go running to someone else when I need someone to talk to or when I need a hug... I just need you and then I'll be fine.". He leaned closer and whispered "And I need you and then I'll be fine." then he kissed me and after the kiss he brushed a lock of hair away from my face and said "My little fighter.". I said "What do you mean?" he said "I'm proud of you and I'm so greatful that you are fighting to forget about Nicky.". I smiled alittle and said "Atleast someone is." he tilted his head slightly and said "You're talking about tove aren't you?". I nodded nad sighed and said "I went to nicky the other day and we talked and... We said goodbye and he..." I took a deep breath and continued "he kissed me goobye and Tove is so fucking angry over that adn that just makes me pissed off. I'm sorry Jared.". He shook his head and said "I know you did and... okay I don't like that you kissed him but if you say that it was a goodbye kiss then I trust you. But you are still friends right? you and nicky I mean.". I nodded nad said "Thank you. yeah we are... we kind of said goodbye to each other on a deeper level then friendship, you know.". He nodded and said "And tove is behaving the way she is because of a goodbye kiss?". I nodded and he sighed adn said "okay then I have to say that she is behaving like a little brat and is really sticking her nose where it doesn't belong.". I said "I think so too. But she won't hear on that ear.". He sighed again and said "Well that is kind of typical her isn't it? You know what... can't you try and make up with her?". I said "yeah it is... I can try but you know me... if she is pissed then I get pissed.". He laughed adn said "You two are like Siamese twins but you aren't stuck together becuase if she is angry then you are angry, if she is sad then you are sad and if she is happy then you're happy.". I smiled and said "Well that's just us i guess. I love her and she is my sister and we have spent alot of time together so we know each other inside and out.". He smiled and said "And she loves you so try and make up." I nodded and he smiled adn said "Good. Now shall we head downstairs and eat some breakfast?". i smiled and said "Is Jared hungry?" he said "jared is starving!!". I laughed and I gave him a kiss and said "I love you." he smiled and kissed me againa nd said "And I love you.". I smiled adn we got up and got dressed and walked downstairs hand in hand.

We met Johan, Tove, Jensen and Dennie in the kitchen and everyone except tove said good morning and jared and I said "Morning.". I looked at tove but she just gave me a angry glare so I shrugged adn followed Jared to the fridge to make breakfast. Then Jensen asked "So what happens today?". I looked at him and he said "Will you just wander away by yourself again or what?" I just gave him a stare and he must have understood that I didn't find it amusing because then he got up and walked over to me and gave me a hug and said "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.". I said "it's okay. I don't know what we should do... any ideas?". He shook his head and Jared said "The weather isn't any good so we can't be out in the snow... I don't know.". then Tove said "There is always movies.." I said "Can't we all go to the cinema?! I've wanted to watch Michael Jackson this is it!". Jared smiled and looked at Jensen and tove and jensen said "I wouldn't mind going, it was a long time ago since I was att he movies.". Tove nodded and said "Yeah why not.. but why This is it?". I said "I don't know, I think it can be a good movie and it's a tribute to MJ.". Jared said "I would like to see it..." Jensen said the same so tove said "Okay then we can see it... when?". I shrugged adn siad "maybe around three, I think one is at 13.00.". They nodded Jensen looked at the clock and said "in that case you guys should hurry alittle beucase it's only 2 hours till 13.00 and we have to dive over there too.". We nodded and quickly ate our breakfast. then Tove thought about Dennie and said "johan can you please babysit Dennie while we're at the movies?". He smiled and said "Sure thing darling i can do that.". We smiled and I looked at tove and she actually smiled alittle so I gave her a crooked smile and thewe continued eating our breakfast. After that all four of us ran upstairs to get a shower and make ourself ready. While I was showering Jared was lying on the bed reading and when I came out and said "You're up." he smiled and put the book away and walked over to me and put his hands on my hips. I only had a towel wrapped around my body and I smiled and he kissed me and then he slowly walked over to the bed and laid me down and was about to open the towel when I said "We don't have time.". He sighed adn said "Sometimes it's really bad that you can't make a quickie.". I laughed and said "Mayeb tonight we can have a longie." he gave me a cheesy smile and kissed me and then got undressed and got into the shower. I put some clothes on and then I went back to the bathroom and started to put some make up on and then fix my hair and when Jared was done he came out of the shower and I gave him a smile and held out a towel to him. He took it and gave me a kiss and wrapped the towel around his waist and then he stood next to me and combed his hair... it was really hard to focus when he was standing next to me in just a towel around his waist and his sexy abs and chest and he just looks so sexy when he's just showered. When I was putting some eyeliner on I couldn't stop staring at his abs through the mirror and he smiled and said "How is it going?". I sighed and said "Go and put something on! you are distracting me!!". He laughed and turned me around and pressed his sexy body agianst mine and gave me a deep, passionated kiss and my head just started to spin because of it and I couldn't stop smileing. But then he left me and went to put some clothes on and I could finish up in the bathroom and then we went downstairs and waited for tove adn jensen.

After a few mintues they came down the staris and we said goodbye to Johan and dennie and got into the garage and took the mustang gt and I drove so we would get there some time today. but as you can imagine they complained alot because i drove to fast and blah blah blah but we got there in time and we bought some popcorn and a coca each and then we just waited to get let in. We were just sitting there talking when I saw a woman we haven't seen in a very long while together with a pretty cute little girl. I was sitting next to tove and when I saw the woman so I pushed her with my elbow and she looked at me really annoied but I didn't care. Insted I nodded towards the woman and child and Tove just stared at her. I said "Should we say hi or something?" Tove shook her head and said "No thank you... let's hope she won't see us. So that is their child.". I nodded and said "Yeah I suppose it is..". But toves wish didn't come true because after just alittle while she saw us and gave us a smile and walked over to us. She said "Hey girl, how are you?" I said "Hi Elin... We're good, how are you?". She smiled and said "That's good, i'm just fine thanks. This is Vera". We said "Hi Vera. This is Jared and Jensen.. our boyfriends." Elin smiled and said hi to the boys and then she siad "So I heard you and Tobbe has been ahnging out alot this summer.". I could tell that Tobbe wasn't really the subject tove wanted to discuss and Jensen wasn't soo keen on listening and then thank god they opened the gates so I said "Well it was good seeing you again elin but we have to go now. bye.". then we went to the gates and went in adn took our seats and we explained to jared and jensen who elin was and they looked "really happy" about who it was. Jensen looked so angry it was nuts but then the movie started and we shut up.

I was so close to tears so many times in the movie and especially when MJ and the dancers were rehearseing "They don't care about us" and "Earth Song". I love those songs and it's so sad that MJ has left us here in this world to fight alone. Anyway Jared was holding my hand through the whole movie and it was really nice to know that he was there. I'm so happy and greatful that i have him. At the end of the movie a tear excaped all my tries to keep them away and jared gave me a hug and then we walked out of there adn everyone thought the movie was amazing and then we drove back home. When we got there I noticed that while I had had my phone turned off Shane had called so I kissed Jared and went upstairs and called him. He picked up and said "Hey you, how come your phone was off?" I smiled when I heard his voice and I said "we were at the cinema and watched MJs this is it.". He siad "Oh I see. What did you think?" I smiled and said "it was amazing! I was so close to tears and at the same time I was laughing.". He said "Yeah it is really amazing. I totally loved it and even I was close to tears I have to say but MJ has always been my hero and to know that he is dead is hard.". I said "yeha I know Shane... But hey, what was it that you wanted?". He said "Oh nothing really, just wanted to talk to you... And I've been thinking about maybe coming to Stockholm next week and visit you and nicky. is it snow there yet?". I smiled and said "that would be great! i miss you alot Shay. Yeah it is, nicky, Jared, Jensen adn I were out all day long the other day and played and it was really great!". He laughed and said "you were out playing in the snow? How old are you guys?". I laughed and said "Don't say anything yet because I promise you that we will get you to play in the snow too when you get here.". He laughed and said "You know what, it wouldn't surprise me. You know how Nicky and I get around each other and add snow to that... Not a good combination.". I smiled adn said "Yeha I know how you guys are, insane. I think it will be a good combination but if you are with us we have to have one more to because otherwise it will be to many in one team.". He laughed and said "Well can't tove join?" I huffed and said "if you succeed to get Tove to play with us I promise that I will do what ever you ask form me. I'll do anything for you if you succeed becuase it's not possible. Not even Jensen can get her out of the house.". Shane laughed for a very long time and his laugh is very contagious so I started to laugh to and he siad "Maybe we should try to find someone else in that case.". i laughed and said "Yeah I think it's for the best." then he calmed down alittle and said "So how are you honey?". I said "I'm okay... it's been a few hard days but today is alittle bit better.". I could almost see how he wrinkled his forehead and he said "Why has the days been hard?" I took a deep breath and explained to him what had happened the last few days and he said "Well I can just say one thing and that is that I'm so proud of you guys. Both you and Nicky, i know how much pain this causes you and I can't begin to explain how strong you are to do this and everyone in your surroundings should be proud too.". I smiled and said "Thank you Shane. you always know what to say to make me feel better. I miss you.". He said "Glad to be able to make you feel better. Oh honey I miss you too so much.". I smiled and we talked about some other stuff and then it knocked on the door and Jared peeked in and said that it was time for dinner. I smiled and nodded and I said goodbye to Shane and followed Jared downstairs.

When we got to the kitchen Jensen said "There you are, who did you talk to? You were talking for like hours.". i smiled and said "It was Shane. He's maybe comeing here next week." Jensen nodded and Jared said "Awesome, I bet you've missed him.". I smiled adn said "Yeah I have, alot." he smiled adn Jensen said "So... are you two still fighting?". I looked from me to tove and then back to me nad we both shrugged and both ajred and jensen shook their heads and sighed but we didn't care. They have to understand that we have to take things like this in our own speed and not rush things because that would just make everything so much worse. Anyway after dinner Jared and I sat down in the livingroom adn then Jensen and Tove came and Jensen asked if we wanted to watch a movie and Jared looked at me and siad "that's up to Madde.". I looked at him and he took my hand and i smiled adn said "sure... if we sit down here?". They nodded and we put on a movie and watched and had a pretty good time. When the movie was done we just sat there talking and watch tv but then I had to go to the bathroom so I did and when I came out I met Molly and Tim in the hallway. I smiled and said "Hey you two." Tim said "Hey Madde." but Molly just nodded and took Tims hand. I thought for a little while and then I said "Tim can you please help me with something?" he said "With what?". I said "Can you help me carry a few beers to the livingroom to Jared, Jensen, Tove and me?". He looked at Molly and then at me and said "okay fine." I smiled and he let go of Mollys hand and followed me to the kitchen and Molly followed us too. When we got there I picked out four bottles of beer and was oing to open them. When I had opened the first one I was going to open the other but then I slipped with the bottle and spilled all the beer on my top. (It was in purpose, don't worry) I said "Fuck!!" and Tim came over and looked at the top and said "Oh, that's not good.". I sighed and took the top off and was just standing there infront of Tim in my bra. He gulped and tried not to look at my boobs and I said "Now I have to throw this in the washing mashine..". He nodded and i looked him deep in the eyes adn didn't move an inch and neither did he and I carefully looked at Molly in the corner of my eye and saw that she was staring at me like crazy and then I took one slow step closer to Tim and bit my lower lip sexy. He opened his mouth slightly but didn't move and I dropped the top on the floor and put my hand on his chest and leaned in slightly and then he put and arm behind my back adn pulled me closer and kissed me with such eager and desperation that it just blew my mind away. I wrapped my arms around his neck and continued to kiss him and after alittle while I opened my eyes and looked at Molly and she looked like she was close to tears and I closed my eyes again and let my tognue play even more with tims and he pushed me against the counter and picked me up and sat me down on it. I smiled while I was kissing him and he ran his hands over my back and stomach and i ran my fingers through his hair and it seemed like he had totally forgotten about Molly. I opened my eyes again just to see that she was gone so I kissed him some more and put my hand inside his pants and he moved alittle closer and I could feel his hard beast against my hand. His hand moved to my boob and he started to massage it and it felt really good and I was sooo turned on right there I could just have jumped him but then someone said behind us "Oh my god!". We stopped kissing and saw Johanna stand behind us with big eyes and Tim quickly moved away but I stayed on the counter. Johannas face turned form shock to cheesy and she siad "Oh don't mind me.. I'll leave you guys alone.". I gave her a shy smile and Tim looked really embarrassed so when Johanna had walked away I jumped down from the counter and walked over to him and got abit closer and ran my finger over his jawbone and said "Everything okay baby?". He swallowed and looked at me and said "yeah sure." I smiled and slowly let my hand wander lower and lower on his stomach but then he said "Where is molly!? Damn it madde!!". I said "Oh I'm sorry... I forgot about her... but so did you.". He removed my hadns and said "why do you always do this to me?!" I smiled and put my hands back on his body and said "Becuase you want it. I know you do, you can't keep your eyes away from me and right now you want to rip my clothes of and do me right here and now.". I gave him a sharp kiss and he said "You're wrong!" I smiled and pressed my body against his and stroke my nose against his neck which made his shiver and I whispered "Am I?". He slowly put his hands on my hips and I flet his defeat when he lowered his head and kissed my shoulder and I smiled and let my hand find it's way inside his t-shirt and I felt his amazing abs under my hand and it made me even more worked up. I smiled and closed my eyes and he said "Can't we go upstairs?" I opened my eyes and thought about Jared and backed away two steps and said "Not today.". He said "What?" I said "Not today?" and he said "Why not?" and took two steps closer to me and he whispered "I want to feel your body against mine and I want to be inside you.". I felt how my whole body wanted the same thing but I said "And so do I but I can't today... Don't worry baby, you will feel my body against yours and feel every single little part of me. I can't wait.". He said "But Madde..." I put a finger over his lips to shut him up and I said "The longer you wait, the better it'll get.". Then I ran upstairs to change my top and went back to the kitchen where Tim was still standing and he siad "and what am I going to do about this?" and pointed at his pants and I could see that he was hard in there and I smiled and said "Either you take care of it yourself or you go to Molly.". He sighed and was about to go pass me when he suddenly pressed me up against the fridge and gave me a deep kiss. When he was done he left and I just stood there smileing for myself and then I cleaned up and opened three new bottles of beer and went to the livingroom with them and Jared asked what had taken so long and I said "I met tim and Molly in the kitchen and talked for a while.". Everyone started to laugh and I gave them a beer each and joined them in the sofa.

After a few more hours we said goodnight and went upstairs and I began to blog so here I am but now when I have written about Tim and our little thing in the kitchen I have to feel Jared in me so I'm going to go to him now and have hot, wild and steamy sex!! Nightie!!

Take care
Love
Madde