Why?

Heya!

Well once again Madde Karlsson has managed to hurt her best friend. but I promise you that I have been trying to make it up to her all day today and I think she has forgiven me. :) I love yu tove!

This morning when I woke up I was resting my head on Jareds chest and he was already awake and when I moved he kissed my head nad said "Morning beautiful.". I smiled and stroke my hand slowly over his amazing abs and chest and said "Good morning handsome." I looked up at him and kissed him and he smiled and stroke my cheek. I smiled and said "Excuse me for a sec." he nodded and I got out of bed and walked over to the door and he said "Where are you going?". I said "Nowhere... I'm just going to do something I should have done yesterday.". He looked confused but I opened the door and walked out to the hallway which was empty and silent and I walked over to tove and jensens room and carefull opened the door and peeked in. They were still sleeping and looked so cute and I sneaked in and walked over to Dennies crib so see if she was awake. When I looked down in it I saw her bright blue eyes look up at me and I couldn't help but smile and she smiled and prattled and reached out her hands to me. I said "Sssh!! Be quiet!" she stoped making sounds and looked at me and I took a deep breath and looked at the bed to see if jensen and tove had woken up or not but they hadn't so I let out a puff and looked at dennie again. I shook my head and said "You have to be quiet otherwise mum and dad will wake up and we don't wnat that now do we?". She just looked at me and I sighed and thought to myself "Why am I talking to a baby who can't communicate?". But I took a deep breath and put my hand behind her head and my other arm under her body and carefully picked her up. It felt just like I was going to drop her so I quickly pressed her against my upper body and looked at Jensen and tove again but they were still sleeping so I sneaked back to the door and got out to the hallway. I slowly and carefull closed the door and let out a pleased sigh and patted Dennies back and said "We did that good huh?". I smiled and walked back to Jared and when I opened the door he looked at me and smiled and said "This is amazing.". I said "Don't make a big deal out of it.". I walked over to the bed and said "Can you take her and lay her down on the bed? I don't know how to.". He smiled and took dennie and laid her down on the bed and then he stroke my cheek and rested his hand on my bare shoulder and kissed me and said "That was a pretty amazing sight.". I said "Jared please... don't make a big deal out of it. I'm doing it for tove..". He looked a bit confused and said "Why don't you want to make a big deal out of it?". I clenched my teeth and said "Because I'm scared... and everything you say makes me horrified.". He moved closer and wrapped his arms around me and said "There is nothing to be scared of. It's just a baby...". I shook my head and said "It's not just any baby... It's toves.". He stroke my cheek and said "What are you afraid of?". I gulped and looked at dennie who was palying with the cover so I got up and got into my wardrobe and came out with one of my old teddys that means the world to me and I gave it to her and she started to play with it. Jared kept his eyes on me all the time and I knew he wasn't going to let it go so I said "Of hurting her... I'm so scared of hurting her... what if I drop her, or bump her head into something or kill her, what if I kill her!?". Jared shook his head and said "You can't." I felt tears build up in my eyes and said "I can't?! Of course I can hurt her! I don't know how to handle babies! I'm not a woman when it comes to babies... I'm not even a man when it comes to that... not even an animal.". He said "Nothing is going to happen... You won't drop her.". I gulped and tried to hold back my tears and said "But that is not what I'm most scared of...". He looked confused and said "Then what is?" a tear fell down my cheeks and I said "You are.". More tears fell down my cheeks and Jared looked even more confused and he took my hand and said "I am? Why are you scared of me?". I cried "Becuase I'm so scared that when you see me with that baby... that you would want a baby too and I can't give that to you.". I laid down on the bed next to Dennie and buried my face in the pillow and cried and I felt Jared get of the bed and walk around the bed and crouch down next to me on the floor. I continued to cry and felt his hand on my shoulder and he said "Madde, love. please look at me.". I sobbed and sat up and looked at him though my tearful eyes and he took my hands and looked me in the eyes and said "I love you and I respect you and everything you want and don't want. You look amazing with that baby in your arms but if you don't want a baby then I don't either. I want you and I love you and I don't feel the need of being a dad. I've got the most amazing woman int he world right infront of me and I have an amazing God doughter that I love.... what do I need a baby for? I have everything I need.". more tears fell down my cheeks and Jared stroke them away and said "You are the woman in my dreams and I want to spend the rest of my life with you because I know that we are meant to be... I see you all the time, when I'm awake, when I dream, when I just close my eyes you're there. You make me feel things I've never felt before, you make not just my heart happy but my soul... all of me.. evert little peice. I can just sit here for ever and just look at you and be the happiest man in the world because you are everything I need and I want to give you everything you want in life. If you want a baby then I'll give it to you, if you don't then I won't. If you want to get married, I'll marry you in a heartbeat... if you never want to get married then we won't. I can't live without you... a life without you in a life not with living. it would be like living without my soul nad heart and it's not possible to live like that.". Tears were just pouring down my cheeks and I slide down from the bed and ended up on my knees infront of Jared and I looked him in the eyes and said "God I love you." and I threw my arms around his neck and crieds. He held me tight and kissed my neck and after a while I let go of him and kissed his wonderful lips and he said "You okay?" I nodded and he said "You're so beautiful honey, the mst beautiful woman in the world and I'm the luckiest man in the world to have you and I'll fight for you, forever.". I smiled alittle and kissed him again and thn he pulled me up to standing and sat me down on the bed and then he walked arund to his side and laid down next to dennie. I did the same and Jared held out his arm so I laid down my head on it and we watched dennie play but then she was about to out the teddy in her mouth so I qickly took it form her and said "You can't suck on it!". Jared laughed and dennie looked really sad and Jared said "Give it to her?". I looked at the teddy and shook my head and felt tears burn behind my eyes and Jared saw that and said "Why not? What is that teddy?". I tried to swallow the big lump I had in my throat and said "It's means to much to me..". Jared sat up and gave Dennie a tub of skin cream to play with insted and she smiled and took it and played like nothing had happened and Jared said "Do you mind me asking why?". I felt a salty tear roll down my face and I looked at the old teddy and whispered "It was my mums... it's the only thing I have left from her..". He put a comforting hand on my thigh and said "really?" I slowly nodded and stroke the teddys head and said "Sometimes I think that mum left because dad was a dickhead and drunk all the time and then this teddy is the only thing I have to remind me of her but sometimes I just want to throw it away because then other thoughts pop up in my head like she left because she didn't want me or niklas....". Jared looked really sad and he said "I bet she wanted you, who wouldn't. A mother wouldn't just leave her kids behind.". he tried to stroke the teddy but I pulled it closer to me and looked at him and he slowly took his hand back and I said "But she did leave me behind... She left me with a father who beat us everyday... She left niklas to take care of his little sister... Why did she leave if she wanted us? if she.... if she loved us?". I could see tears in Jareds eyes and he said "I don't know honey, I'm so sorry.". I looked at the teddy in my arms that I was pressing against my chest and ters fell down my cheek and I said "Sometimes I think that she will come back and find me and hug me and tell me that she is sorry for leaving us behind and that she loves me... But I suppose that is just dreams right?". A tears fell down Jareds cheeks but he quickly brushed it away and said "I don't know what to say... I hope that she will come back if that is what you want.". I cried "i don't know... Seeing dad again was so hard but I think it will be even harder to see mum... She is my mother..... She gave me life nad I miss her...". He pulled me into a hug and he said "You have your family here, Kristina loves you like hr own doughter... maybe that's enough.". I cried "But she in not my real mother... I have a real mother... I know what she looks like... sometimes I can even smell her and sometimes when i'm in the city shopping or something I can almost bet that I see her, but then she disappears again. I love her even though she left... I try not to but it's not possible... how can you hate your own mother? The reason you're alive, the person who was there when you couldn't take care of yourself...". He stroke my hair and said "Honey... have you told anyone else about this?". I shook my head and said "No... You are the only person who knows... well you and dennie.". He looked at me and said "Not tove?" i shook my head and he said "Not even Nicky?". I slowly shook my head again and said "No.... we only talked about dad... Jared, I'm sorry I didn't go to you when dad contacted me.". He stroke my cheek and said "It's okay, that was my own fault... I'm glad nicky was there for you.". I cried "But I didn't even think about going to you... I only had nicky on my mind.". He said "it's okay?" I stroke his cheek and said "You have to udnerstand... when dad contacted me and I asked nicky to with me... it was becuase nicky... Nicky has met my father and he helped me then to get away for him once and he was the only person I could ask.". Jared nodded and said "Nicky has been there before I knew you and he has gone through so much with you and I know that even though... you still have feelings for him you friendship will always be strong and deep and I... I wouldn't want to have it any other way.". I threw myself around his neck again and cried and repeated "thank you, thank you.".

After a while I stopped crying and I walked abck with the teddy to the wardrobe and then went abck to Jared and dennie and Jared picked her up and laid her down on his chest and said "Come here." to me. I smiled and laid my head down on his shoulder and put a hand on Dennies back and she smiled and I smiled back and Jared stroke my back and arm and we just laid there for like an hour. But then we suddely heard screams and we knew that tove and jensen was awake and had noticed that their baby was gone and Jared said "Shouldn't we tell them?". i siad "no, they shouldn't worry so much.". Then suddely the door flew up and they ran into our room and was just about to tell us that dennie was gone when they saw us three in bed. they looked really funny and I just laughed and said "Calm down people. Haven't we talked about this, she can't just disappear.". Tove said "But who tought she was here?" I smiled and said "Sorry.". Jensen walked over to us and was about to take dennie and I said "Leave her. She finally sleeping again.". I looked at tove and said "I'm sorry I just took her... I should have told you, or left a note.. I just... I'm trying.". She smiled and walked over to the bed and crawled over to me and hugged me and said "Thank you.". I said "Anything for you Tove. I love you." she kissed my forehead and said "I love you too.". Then Dennie woke up and started to cry and I just said "Okay now you can take her.". Jensen laughed and picked her up from Jareds stomach and Tove said "She is hungry, give her to me.".Jensen did as he was told and tove walked out with dennie. Jensen sat down on the bed next to me and said "Thank you for trying.". I said "No problem, I owe her that much.". he smiled and gave me a hug and then all of the sudden a fist came flying at hit Jensens arm. He stared at Jared and rubbed his arm and both of us looked really confused and jensne said "What did you do that for?!". Jared siad "Now we are even." and then he laughed. Jensen said "Oh no we're not." and threw himself over Jared and I qickly moved away. The laughed and wrestled and the sheets got all messy and I just stood on the floor and shook my head watching them fight. after a while they stopped and Jesnen hit Jareds arm playfully and said "Thanks man and I'm sorry.". Jared smiled and said "It's okay. Love you man." Jensne nodded and said "love you too bro.". I just smiled and said "Naw!" and they just looked at me and sighed and then started to laugh and I crawled down in bed with them and took their hands in mine and kissed both their hands adn said "You guys are so cute and totally amazing.". They smiled adn Jared said "not more amazing then you.". I smiled and kissed him and then he siad "Go and put something more on honey, you just have your panties and bra on.". I gave him a cheesy smile and let go of Jensens hand and astraddled Jared and siad "What? I know you like me in this.". He smiled and put his hands on my hips and said "Yes I do... to much." I smiled and leaned down and kissed him and jensen said "Can you two stop? Do that when you're alone!". I laughed and looked at him and he was just smileing and I said "I tought you wanted this.". He stroke my arm and siad "It is. You guys are adorable together and I can tell that you both are so happy with each other.". I smiled and hugged him and said "Thanks Jensen." he just smiled adn nodded and then I got off Jared and went to the wardrobe and put on a top and walked back and said "Better?". Jared nodded but Jensen said "Maybe you should put on something more..." I said "Why? Can't you controll yourself?". He sighed and said "Yes I can but Toves sister Maja is here so maybe you shouldn't walk around in your underwear when she is here.". I sighed and said "But you did." he laughed and said "Yeah but I didn't think she was going to come into our room. Get dressed woman.". I sighed adn put on a pair of short shorts and said "There?" he nodded and said "Better.". I shook my head and said "I'm hungry..." Jared got up and said "I never thought you were going to say anything! I'm starving!". I laughed and walked over to Jared and stroke his abs and chest and siad "Well then we should go and eat so my very handsome, sexy and amazing man can get something in his amazing and sexy stomach.". He smiled and bent down and kissed me and Jensen said "Come on then! I'm hungry as hell to!". We laughed adn Jared put some clothes on too and then we walked downstairs and went to the kitchen.

We joined Krisen, Johan at the table and atfer just a while Tove came down the stairs with Dennie and Maja. I smiled and got up and walked over to them and said "Hi. I'm Madde.. I'm toves best friend.". Maja looked at me with big eyes and said "Dad was right, you are beautiful." I couldn't smile to that insted I said "But so are you.". She shook her head and said "Dad doesn't think so.". I felt the anger bubble up inside of me and Tove said "Madde calm down.". I took a deep breath and then I felt Krisens hand on my shoulder and she said "Madde. It doesn't help to get angry.". I tried to calm down but it's not so easy for me and Krisen said hello to Maja and Jensen said "Maja, do you want some breakfast?". She smiled as soon as he looked at her and nodded and I said "I'll be right back.". Everyone nodded and I walked outside and sat down outside the door. It was a bit cold not to have any clothes on but I needed to calm down. Suddenly I heard a voice say "Madde? What are you doing out here, it's freezing!". Nicky walked over to me and took his jacket off and wrapped it over my shoulders and he said "Come on let's go inside.". I shook my head and said "No I have to cool off...." he looked at me and said "Why?". I said "I'm pissed off." he said "And why is that?" so I told him about Maja and eddie and he sat down next to me and was just as pissed and he said "He is a dead man! How can he do something like that?!". I said "I don't know, I wonder the same thing!". We just sat there pissed as hell nad I said "You don't have to sit here..It's cold.". He looked at me and said "I don't mind sitting here... it's not that cold.". I looked at him and said "I feel so bad for her." he nodded and said "She'll be fine. She has people like you around her now and she is a lucky girl to have you.". I smiled and gave him a hug and said "You always know how to make me feel better.". He smiled and said "I do my best nad I've gotten to know you pretty well sweety.". I smiled and said "Where is Shay?" he laughed and said "Sleeping, he is going home today if you want to come with us to the airport and say goodbye to him.". Somehow I felt sad because of the fact that shane was leaving and I said "I would love to go with you. Can you come and pick me up before you go?". He nodded and said "Of course hun. I'll call you before we come here.". I nodded and said "Good." then the door opened and Jared said "Hun?". Then he saw Nicky too and said "Oh, hi man. what are you doing here?". Nicky and I stood up and he siad "I saw Madde sit out here in barely any clothes so I got curious to why.". Jared nodded and I said "Well.. maybe I should go inside again. Call me later Ncio.". He nodded nad gave me a hug and I gave him abck his jacket and I followed Jared back inside.

We went into the kitchen and Maja and Tove had began to eat breakfast adn I walked over to Maja and said "I'm sorry for my behaviour... Me nad your father has something of a history...". She nodded and said "It's okay... he talks alot about you, you know... Both you and tove.". I almost heard Jared clench his teeth behind me and he said "What does he say?". I took his hand and said "No Maja... I don't want to know what he says. He is history to me and he is not allowed to be near me.". She said "that is what he talks about... sometimes I hear him mutter that..." she looked down at the table and I put a hand on her shoulder and said "That?". She looked at me and said "That you are a slut and that that restraining order won't keep him away from you.". Jared squeezed my hand and I saw anger in everyones eyes and I said "Let him come... I'm ready.". Maja looked confused and said "What happened between you two?" I swollowed and Krisen said "Something bad that we don't really like to talk about. And Madde you're not going to do anything to him.". I huffed and said "I could really use a round at the gym..." Jared stroke my arm and said "maybe you and Nicky should go there after you given shay a ride to the airport.". I nodded and said "Yeah maybe... I'll talk to him." he nodded and said "Just don't kill him." I smiled and shook my head and said "I won't.". He smiled and kissed me which calmed me down a lot and Maja said "It's kind of crazy that Sam and Dean Winchester are here.". Everyone laughed and Jared said "We would appreciate if you called us Jared and Jensen." Maja blushed and nodded and said "So you are together with Madde and jensen is together with tove?". I looked at Jared and he said "Well... Jensen and tove are getting married but Madde and I... that is kind of complicated, we are not together but we have been and we want to be again but we have to take things slow.". She nodded and said "You are beautiful together." I smiled and wrapped my arms around Jareds waist and he kissed my head and said "Thank you Maja, you are very sweet.". Maja smiled and continued to eat and I said to Jensen and tove "Btw we want to see the apartment!". Jensen laughed and said "Not today..." I sighed and said "Well we'll just have to take it some other day then... God it's just a few more days left and then we are leaving for warmer weather.". Tove said "Yes! Warmth!" and Jensen smiled and said "and our wedding.". Toves smile disappeared at once and I said horrified "and a very long flight.." Jared laughed and stroke my arm and said "You'll be fine.". I shook my head and said "No becuase everyone will fall asleep and I don't have anyone there with me... Well Nicky isn't so fond of flying either so we'll see.". And then Tove said "I can be awake with you." I satred at her and said "Yeah right! Good luck!!". She looked confused and everyone started to laugh except me and I said "It's not funny! she never holds what she promises when we are on a fucking airplane! And now we are going to be in the air for 10.5 hours!! How on earth am I going to survive that?". Jared hugged me and said "I'm there." I huffed and pushed him away and said "I know how it is to fly with you! Either you get really jumpy which freaks me out more or you fall asleep and doesn't wake up.". He sighed and jensen said "That is true." I nodded and then I said "Nah you know what.... I can do this right now, to much bad things at the moment... Flying and talking about eddie... ew!". Everyone just looked at me while I went upstairs and took a shower.

It was really nice to shower and the warm water washed the toughts of eddie, mum and flying away for a while anyway but when I got to my wardrobe I saw the teddy sitting in it's usual place and I just looked at it. I don't know how long I had been standing there when my phone suddenly rang and I picked it up and Shane said "Hey sweety!". I smiled and said "Hey Shay! Why are you leaveing me today?". He said "i know babe, I'm sorry. But we'll see each other at the Seychelles.". I smiled and said "Yeah but still." he said "I know. A part of me doesn't want to leave becuase it loves being here with you and nicky but I miss nicole and Gill and Patrick so I have to go home.". I nodded and said "So when are you guys coming to pick me up?" he said "Well... we'll be there in like an hour or so.". I said "okay, can i talk to Nicky for a sec?" he said "Sure, bye hun see ya soon.". I said bye and then nicky said "Hey sweety." I smiled adn said "Hey... do you want to go boxing with me when we have dropped Shane off?". He said "Oh hun... I can't sorry.. I have to go into town and find some christmas presents before we leave for the wedding.". I sighed and said "But I really needed to go." he said "Why?". I sighed and said "Becuase of eddie and all that... He called me a slut and he apparently says that the restaining order won't keep him away.". Nicky said "That fucking arsehole!! I'm going to kill him!" I said "No, not that I wouldn't love to see him dead but can't we box insted?". Nicky took a deep breath and said "No but come with me and look for presents. Maybe you'll find something I can get you.". I smiled and said "You want to get me something?" he said "Oh.. ehm.. I just though..." I quickly said "I want a present! you know I love them.". He laughed and said "Good. Then you'll come with?". i tought for a sec and said "Yeah I'll do that, thanks Nico.". he said "No problem.. I'll see you soon. bye.". I said bye and then we hung up and I got dressed and walked over to my jewellery box and put on the beautiful claddagh ring I got from Nicky at my brithday and the gorgeous celtic cross I got from Shane, Kian and Mark the same day. I smiled and felt very irish but that is a very nice feeling. I love the irish and I love the country, I so want to go back there... I wish Tove wanted to come with me, we would have the best time ever in Dublin and sligo and live in shanes house and go to the farm and shane and Tove can go out rideing the horses and i can take a nice walk with gillian or something. It would be amazing :)

When I was down I went downstairs and gave Jared a kiss and said "We aren't going boxing but I'm going to help him find christmas gifts insted if that is okay?". He smiled and said "Taht's great!" I looked at him adn felt really confused and said "You sounded awfully happy about the fact that I'm going to spend my day with nicky.". He said "Well that's what you want right?" I peered at him and said "You're lying! there is something going on here that you are not telling me! what is it!?". He said "I don't know what you are talking about, I'm not lying.". I said "Are you stupid? I'm the queen of lying and you're trying to fool me?! Good luck babe!". He sighed and said "what ever we are up to is none of your business.". I hate it when people keep things from me and i said "jared! tell me!". He smiled and said "Nopp." I hit his arm and he laughed and said "That won't help.". I screamed and walked out of there and took my jacket and shoes and walked out the door and just walked towards Nikcys. After a while I got a text saying "I love you honey and you'll see sooner or later.". I just put it back in my pocket and walked up to nickys door and knocked on it and he opened it and looked surprised to see me and said "what are you doing here?". I walked pass him and he said "This way!" and pointed upstairs and we walked into shanes room and he was packing and he said "Hey doll. what are you doing here.". I sighed and told them that jared was a jerk and what he had done and they just laughed at me and I got angry and said "stop laughing!". Nikcy shook his head and said "You are to nosy for your own good honey.". I sighed and said "I don't want him to keep secrets from me." and Shay said "haven't it occured to you that he might be fixing a christmas gift for you?". I said "You're right! thanks shay!" they laughed and then I said to Nciky "btw we have to look at a wedding gift for tove and jensen.". he nodded and I told them what I was thinking of getting them and Nicky said "They'll love it.. all three of them.". I smiled and said "I need to buy some stuff for the first thing and then I have to check the other stuff on the other gifts.". he nodded and we talked for a few more minutes while Shane was packing ad then we took Ncikys BMW and drove towards the airport. It was so strange to let nicky drive and he drove pretty slow but not as slow as other people.

When we had said good bye to shane like a thousand times and hugged him a million times we were off again and drove into town and parked and then we first went and checked up on the wedding gift and then we were just walking around in town finding christmas gifts for everyone but I'm not going to buy anything yet, that will just ahve to wait but I bought two new bikinies and a pair of short shorts and a pair of pretty sexy underwear. though I should surprise Jared some day ;) ahhaha Anyway after being in town having an amazing time together it was time to go home and eat dinner so Nicky drove me home an i gave him a big hug and said goodbye and thanks for the day and then he drove off and I walked in and headed upstairs with my bags. our room was empty so I quickly hid the underwear and then the door opened and Jared walked in and said "So what have you bought?". I smiled and said "You want to see?" he nodded and said "model for me.". I smiled and pushed him down on the bed and then tove walked in and said "Did you have a good day?". I said "Yeah, you wanna see what I got?" she said "sure!" so I walked into the wardrobe and changed into a red bikini and walked out and Jared just smiled and said "Sexy.". I smiled and Tove said "Yeah very." I laughed and walked back into the wardrobe and changed into a black bikini with some bling on and their chins just dropped and tove said "Wow!" and Jared said "Tove can you pelase leave?". I alguhed and then I put on the shorts over and Tove said "Love them!". After that I changed abck to my other clothes and said "And Jared might get a surprise later or some other day.". He smiled and I gave him a kiss adn then we went downstairs and ate. That was when tove said "I'm going to have my bridesmaids dinner on Tuesday next week.". I smiled and said "okay awesome!" and Jared said "Well have fun the girls.". We smiled and Jensen nodded and said "yeah have fun, we will have fun later." jared nodded adn said "Yep that's right!". Jensen just smiled. I'm pretty curious of what they are going to do at their stag party and if they are going to have strippers or not. I'm not going to tell you about the bridal shower because that is a surprise for tove ;) hahaha but it's going to be amazing! :D

After dinner we watched a few movies and Maja joined us and we asked Krisen to talk to eddie so that she could stay here for another night. She hasn't told us anything yet so we are suspecting that she is still arguing with him. The movie we are watching right now isn't so good so that is why I'm blogging but I'm going to stop now becuase krisen just walked through the door and she wants to talk to us. Tove might tell you about what happened with maja and all that tomorrow if we have time to blog which I doubt because we are going to try weddingcakes tomorrow with jensen and then Jared is going to take Jensen and do something and I'm taking tove with me to look at flowers and china and then it's Davids Birthday so we have alot to do.

Take care
Love
Madde