Fighting....

Hi guys....
I hope you lot are doing just fine, I think you are doing alot better then me anyway.

The day has gone by so slow. Me and Tove have never fought like this ever in all our lives and we have always been around eath other. I don't really understand how two people who has known eath other all their lives and been there for one another all the time can just for a little thing end up as enimies... It's so unreal to me...

I suppose you have read Toves inlay from yesterday and are thinking of me as some sort of freak who sleeps with my best friends father but let me tell you the background of it. I know it won't help Tove or you guys to forget and forgive but it might help you understand and I will feel alot better I think.

First of all I guess everyone who has slept with someone they shouldn't always say "it didn't meen anything, it was just a terrible mistake!" and I guess that is all I can say.
me sleeping with Eddie was a horrible mistake and it really didn't meen anything.
let me take it from the begining....

I have always found Eddie attractive but you know I never thought of sleeping with him. But then one day after me and Tove had been fighting over a small thing (as always) I went over to another friend called Matilda. We were hanging out and having a good time and she just helpt me forget about tove and all that. So as you can imagine I got a bit wasted or a lot... and we meet Eddie in one of the bars we went to. We hung out and talked and then he had to go home and I didn't think any more of
it. After a few hours me and Matlida headed back to her apartment but I wanted to continue drinking and partying so I asked if we could go out again but she was so tired and had a hang-over so I went out myslef. I went to a bar and founf Eddie there and I was really drunk and sad because of me fight with tove so we started to talk about everything and then I get a call from the police saying that Matilda has been found dead in her apartment and that she had killed herself. I got really upset and they asked if I could come to the morgue so me and Eddie went because I didn't want to go by myself.

And as I said after finding out that one of your best friends has killed herself I got really upset and then to top that of with being drunk I made a very stupid decision to sleep with Eddie. He was there comforting me and we ended up having sex.

So now you all know why and I know it doesn't make it better but I think it's a bit of an excuse anyway. Hate me all you want, the person I care about the most allready hates me so I don't give a damn if you guys hate me too.

God, I'm just so sick and tired of fighting with Tove, we always do this. It's like we fight and then make up and then there is this really small thing that get us going again. I've been thinking that we might need a break, if friends now can take breaks... I wish I had someone who could tell me what to do...

You might be wondering about my dad and what I'm going to do now when I've found out that he has cancer... Well to be honest, I don't have a clue! I called Nic and told him what dad said and that he really wanted to meet niklas but nic was insisting on not meeting with dad so I guess he wont. I don't really know if I can meet him again either. I suppose Nico (Nicky) would come with me if I asked him but I'm feeling like I'm stealing him away from Zara. He acually just left me after checking in on me and now I'm sitting in my empty room. All this with dad, Tove, Nicky and you know all the rest has got me thinking. Jared and Johnny is almost never there when I'm
fighting with tove but alot of other guys are. Like this one time, before Tove and Sean got together I slept with Sean and as you can imagine that didn't sit to well with tove at all. So we started to fight but Sean stood by me and defended me. And now it's Nico who is there for me all the time. Jared and Johnny is nowhere to be found. The are like hanging out with Jensen and Sean and doesn't give a damn about what I'm going through. I just hate that, they are never here when I need them but when I need them for sex they are alwys there. I wish they could be more like Nico.

I bet you guys are tired of hearing how amazing Nico is and all that but I don't care because he is the only one who truly seems to care about me and wants me to be happy. I love him for that. I have made up my mind and I'm not going to try to seduce Nico because that would meen I would loose him as a friend and I'd rather die than live a life without him. He is just the most amazing and important person I know. That might seem cruel to say that he is the most important person in my life at the moment but it's the truth and I don't really care what you think.

Aaw, he just came in and now he is sitting on my bed next to me. I love that, you know, when someone just sits by you and you just feels the love and care that person feels for you. I't an amazing feeling.

I just erased alot of stuff about Tove that she has done and alot of things that she would hate anyone to know but then Nico read it and told me to erase it. I don't know if it's the right thing to do, because it's not in my nature to give up. I always go the furthest and then it's tove who gives up but Nicky said somethning that might have changed my mind. he said "don't sink to her level, you are better
than that. I believe in you Madde.". And than he looked at me with that "nico-look" that only he can give, and I just melted. I supposed you all wanted to hear some nasty things about Tove Alexandersson but I'm not so sure I should tell you and Nico is still sitting here next to me watching my every move so...

I wish me and Tove didn't fight like we are, and I'm thinking of moving out. but I have no fukking clue where I would go and I don't think I would be so popular in the eyes of my boyfriends because they are used to a life lived in lyxury now so leaving this place won't be fun. Can someone please help we figure out what to do. How am I going to fix this thing with Tove now when she is bringing up everything that has happened in the past and when she doesn't even want to fix it. I've been thinking of asking Nico to talk with her but at the same time I don't want to bring him further into this than he already is. I feel like I'm just pouring my trubbles on him and he doesn't deserve that, he deserves better. I just wish this would all be over and everything would go back to normal, or as normal as our family can be.

So... what else can I talk about?... I can tell you about today...

First of all, I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning. After Jared and Johnny found out about Eddie thay have been absent and haven't even talked to me so much. They went out pretty early this morning leaving me in bed all alone but that wasn't the only reason i didn't wanna get up this morning. it was only me and Tove at home because the westlife boys were out doing the city nad our boyfriends followed them so it was really empty. Robert and Kellan was still out. They had been out all night partying. So like I said, it was only me and Tove at home so when I finally draged myself out of bed and went down to the kitchen I got an ice-cold look from Tove and then I was left alone again. I just wished the guys or lets tell the truth I just wanted Nico to come back home so that I had someone to talk to. I was standing in the hallway when they came back and jared and johnny didn't even give me a hello-kiss. they just walked right pass me and that was like the edge of what I could handle so I just ran upstairs crying and I heard footsteps running up behind me and when he finelly cought up with me he grabbed my arm and turned me around and at that point I didn't care who it was I just buried my face in his chest and cryed. I could tell from the wonderful smell of Dolce & Gabbana that it was Nicky and somehow there was one part of me feeling so comfortable and a nother saying it sould have been Jared or Johnny. But I didn't struggle against him when he led me back to my room and stayed there with me for like an hour or more. He has been so sweet all day today and at one point he asked if he should go and talk to Jared and Johnny but I asked him not to and he respected that.

So that is pretty much what I've been doing today, sobbing in my room and beeing miserable and the only bright moments has been when Nico has comed to check on me.

Well, I'm not going to bore you any more with my missfortune.
Hope you all are having a better life than me.

Take care.
Love
Madde