Stupid selfish bitch!!!

Hey you guys....

I suppose you can almost guess what I have been up to today... yeah that's right, I have been sobbing on and off all day but I have also been sooo selfish and I'm sorry!!

I guess I should take things from the begining.


I have just started to take it all in, you know when someone has died it takes a fw days untill you really know that theya re gone and when it's our own flesh and blood it takes iven longer to undertsand. As you know i spent the night at the hospital with Tove, we sat up till 3 o'clock talking but then a nurse came in and said that Tove needed some sleep but tove just turned to me and told me that it was I who was in need of a good nights sleep. I can't really say it helped at all because I woke up from a nightmare sweating like a pig and couldn't fall asleep again. i didn't want to wake Tove so I called a cab to take me home.


The first thing I did when i got home was to get a drink, just to clear my thoughts and too feel abit better. I then jumped into the shower and stood there for like an hour and when i walked back to my room I got so sceard as I saw someone was sleeping in my bed. I think I actually screamed because before I knew it nico flew out of bed and landed on the floor, he looked so surprised when he looked over at me and then he gave me one of his adorable smiles and got up to give me a hug. I had totally forgot that i was just standing there with a towel around my body and when he huged. me it started to fall down alittle and revealed my boobs. Nico was like "Oh I'm so sorry!" and looked away but he didn't look so sorry if you know what i mean... But he knows I'm not so shy so i just told him to stop being stupid and go back to bed. I joined him after putting on some panties and a bra and then we just lied there for a few hours. He fell asleep, which is more then i can say about me, but I didn't mind as i lied there just looking at his gorgeous face

When we got up he told me he had to go home to get some clean clothes and gave me a kiss on the cheek before he left. As soon as he left i took out a vodka bottle and took a second and third drik from it. it was so good and I could feel the alcohol made the fog in my head alittle bit lighter. I put the bottle away when i heard footsteps in the stairs and then lukas came through the door. We sat down together for some breakfast and talked alittle about me and him and alittle about us together. he was the one who brought that up but I just told him that I wasn't ready for things like that in my life right now. I just need people to be there for me and I have them who does so without wanting to sleep with me. I suppose I was abit rude to him but I'm not going to appoligize, I think he knows I'm sorry but he also know what i'm going through so...

When he lft me alone agian I went for the vodka bottle again because the aclohol was wearing off and I just needed that feeling back. And so i did, i took another 2 drinks before nico came back and told me he could take me to go and see Tove again, who was worried sick because I wasn't there when she woke up. I had totally forgot about that and gave her a call as soon as Nico told me. She yelled at me but i guess she could hear the tears in my eyes when i answerd her so she calmed down pretty quickly.

When Nico finelly drove me to the hospital and we made our way towards Toves room and enterd Linus was there. As soon as he saw me he stood up and got himself ready to leave. He looked so sceard and messy, it was like he, just like me, hadn't been sleeping in like forever. I walked towards him and gave him a big hug. I think he got alittle bit chocked but after a second he relaxed and hugged me back. I could feel the tears starting to form in my eyes when I let him go and saw that he was also fighting them off. I, on the other hand, didn't do such a good job with holding them back so they just started to pour down my cheeks. I told him to sit back down as I dryed my tears and gave Tove a hello hug. We sat there, me, Tove, Linus and Nico, talking for a very long time and I think me and Linus has more incommon then most people. I feel so sorry for him, I mean okay he was my father too but he was never there for me as he was for linus. Linus hadn't just lost a father he had lost a friend aswell and that is just so horrible. I'm quite worried about him but I think he is going to be okay.

When me and Nico left the hospital we met henrik who stoped us by giving me a hug and telling me he was sorry about my loss. I hugged him back and told him thanks but I didn't make such an effort because I wasn't in the mood. Which I think is a bit strange, okay my dad just died but I'm always in the mood anyways although someone has died but not anymore. I'm starting to be afraid of myslef, I think I'm turning into the old Tove :S OMG!!


Anyway when we got home there were a bunch of suitcases in the hallway and Robert was making his was down the stairs with another one.. apperently he is leaving for L.A. I don't know why but I suppose I haven't been the best company latley and me and Rob kind of got angry with eath other like a week ago or something. I guess I'm a bit sad that he is leaving but on the other hand it's going to be nice too. I just want to be alone for awhile, or not alone, i want my best friends there with me but i don't think Rob is that good of a friend. He was but isn't so anymore...

When Rob had left nico, mark, kian and shane asked me if I wanted to go for a walk and I think that is a god way of clearing your thoughts so i agreed to go with them. When we were walking down the street we met a few girls of whom I knew. It was a few girls I went to school with and we wasn't the best of friends because I had stolen my fair share of boyfriends from them. I suppose they had heard about my dad and brother and when we were about to walk by them they stoped us and started talking to me. They didn't say they were sorry or anything but insted they started to laough at me and say it was a good thing he died because maybe that was something that would wake me up out of my daydreaming and that my dad was just like me - sleeping around making babies everywere. The lads didn't know what they were saying but after awhile nico could tell it wasn't nice and asked them to leave then the grils started talking stuff about them too and that was the last straw for me. I just ran home with tears pouring down my cheeks and didn't stop unitll I got home. I ran into the kitchen and grabed my vodka bottle and then locked myself in the bathroom. I could hear the door slam downstairs and voices calling out for me. But I didn't open the door or say anything I was just sitting there drinking and crying when i saw a razorblade on a shelf. I took it down and looked at it and thought to myself that it might be for the best. It hurted alot and I think i screamed because before i knew it Nico and the lads pushed the door in and stoped in chock. They just looked at my wrists and then nico got some towels and held them agains the wound trying to stop the bleeding. Mark called an ambulance but when they finelly arrived the bleeding had stoped so I didn't have to go to the hospital because the lads swore that they wouldn't leave my side at any time.


I was in chock when i was sitting there in Nicos arms crying. I told him over and over that i was so sorry and he just stroke my head, back and arms reassuring me that I was going to be okay and that everything was going to be just fine. He picked me up from the bathroom floor and put me down in bed. all four of the lads sat down on the bed and were talking to me really softley and calm. I started to feel alittle bit better but then I got thinking of tove and I just bursted out crying again. I can't believe what i just did. How selfish am I that can just do that and not even think of her or the rest of my friends. I was supposed to be the strong one for her but I couldn't do it. Insted I almost killed myself before thinking of the consequences... I'm such a bitch!! I'm so sorry baby!!! I love you and i didn't mean to hurt you!! I'm sorry that it was nico who had to call you and tell you but I just couldn't. I am so sorry!!

Right now all the lads are sitting here on my bed watching over me so that I wont do anything more stupid... I feel like such a baby.... I wonder what happened to that self-confident, strong, indepentdent woman I used to be... I can't believe I just ruin the lifes of my friends just by existing... I mean, how fun can it be for Mark, Kian, Nicky and Shane to sit here worrying about me... they should be out having a good time. I'm so selfish... :'(



Anyway, now I think I'm going to rap this up altough I don't know what else to do...

Take care
Love
Madde