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Hey guys.

I'm happy to tell you that i am doing better, it's slow but it's getting there soon enough. The biggest reason that i'm doing a little bit better is because Tove came home yesterday. I'll tell you more about that later...

As you could read in Toves inlay yesterday she wants me to see a psychologist and talk about my feelings and stuff like that... And about my huge misstake with the razorblade. But I can't, I don't feel comfortable around shrinks and to talk about my feeling to a complete stranger is something I'm not good at. I'd rather talk to my friends which is easier... okay I know I'm not so good at that either but I promis I will do so if it means I don't have to go to a shrink... So Tove what do you say about that?

I know that Tove thinks all my sadness and that whole thing with cutting my wrist was all her fault but honey it isn't!!! I don't want you too feel like it is because it's not!! It's not your problem, it's mine and it's something I have to figure out... You can't blame yourself and absloutley not your cancer!! that is something you can't controll and it's my fault for breaking down like this because I'm not strong enough. And that whole thing with my boys, don't be sorry for yelling at them. They had it coming for them! And about Eddie, if it had been you with my dad I would have reacted the very same way!! Honey, darling I don't want you to think that it's all your fault because it isn't!! I love you so much!!!

Yesterday when I found out that Tove was coming home for the night I got so happy, I think it was the best thing that has happened in a long time now. I just started to run around looking at the clock every other minute wishing it would go faster. I think I actually annoyed Nico and the rest of the lads because when i got up from the sofa for the 5th time Nico just grabed me around my waist and pulled my down in his knee telling me to calm down and just sit for awhile. Then he looked at my wrist and softly touched it and he looked soooo sad. I think he blames himself for what i did and I feel so bad about that. He hasn't left my side at all since that day and
he is looking over me even more then he usually do. I don't want him to feel obligated to watch over me or anything but I think he does... And everytime he sees the bandage he looks so helpless and sad, I just want to hug him and tell him not to worry but I suppose that is what everone is doing at the moment. Worreing about me... when they should be worreing about Tove...
But he is like my guardian angel and I love him for that.

Anyway, when I heard the door slam and a very familiar voice calling out my name I just ran into the hallway and have Tove the biggest hug ever!! She looked so much better, she wasn't as pale or as week as she was at the hospital and she had a beautiful smile on her face. When we finelly broke the hug and the lads started to hug her I just couldn't stop myself from crying, but it was happy tears so don't worry. I just burried my face in Nicos chest and cried for awhile and then me and Tove walked upstairs. Tove actually had to tell Nico to leave us because otherwise he would have sticked around. So me and Tove just sat on my bed talking all night. I have missed that so much! She told me how she felt about my little emo-cutting and that she was sorry and all that but I just told her that it wasn't her fault, non of it, and that I didn't want her to feel like it was. I told her alot about my feelings too and after awhile both of us were crying. I don't think Tove has ever cried at the same time I have... I have always been the sensitve one who cried about every little thing and she was the strong one who held the tears back. But not last night... we both just sat in silence hugging eath other crying.

We talked all night but around 4 am we heard a knock on the door and Nico and Shane peeked in. I think nicky had been staying with Shane because he had to talk to someone. They have the most amazing friendship I have ever seen, alteast when it comes to boys. We told them to come inside and then we were four of us in my big bed. I could fel how my eyelids started to fall as we were talking so I lied down between Tove and Nico and they followed my lead so soon the four of us were falling asleep.

That was the first night since Tove ended up at the hospital that I actually had a good nights sleep and didn't have a nightmare. It was so nice, I wasn't tired when i woke up and I didn't feel as down as I have felt this last few days. We slept untill 11 and then we went downstaris for breakfast and then unfortunally we had to take Tove back to the hospital.

When we got back there we met henrik in the reception and as soon as i saw him i just walk stright over to him and took his gorgeous face in my nads and gave him a big kiss. He just looked at me with a surprised look on his face and when i thanked him for Tove he just smiled and said "My peasure". We then walked to Toves room and stayed there for a good few hours.

After like 3 hours or something a blond messy haired lad walkes through the door and stops as soon as he sees us. Linus first looked at my face and then at my arm and I could see the helplessness and sadness in his eyes but he did a good job hiding them, the thing is he looks just like Niklas does when he is sad so i know what to look for. I just walk towards him and gently huged him as i did that I also told him I was sorry about everything and that I should have thought about him before I cut my wrist... I mean he has allready lost his father and now he was close to losing his new found sister. Anyway we sat back down and started to talk again. This time the main subject was the funeral and what we were going to do... After another few hour we heard a knock on the door and Niklas peeked in, I just flew up and ran over
to him to give him a hug. I was so happy to see his face again and introduce him to Linus. As you can imageon the tears started to run down my cheeks as allways and I had to dry them off before I could talk again. He sat down next to me and took my right hand in his two hands so that he could get a good look at my bandaged arm. I could tell he was dissapointed with me so I just said that I was sorry but he just told me not to worry about it and that he was just happy I was still alive.

It's kind of fun to see Niklas and Linus talk and sit next to eath other, they look alot alike although Nikals has brown hair and Linus is blond like me. But they have the same eyes and lips and the way they smile... it's crazy :P

Suddenly Shane said we should head home to eat dinner and rest for awhile so we said our goodbyes to Tove and the five of us left the hospital together. We drove linus home to his mothers house where we were invited for a cup of coffee. When we sat there in thier very clean livingroom drinking our coffee Niklas asked Anita how she and Linus were holding up and I know that linus is having a hard time processing it all but she just said they were doing fine and that Linus was going to school and all that. I just couldn't believe my ears, how could she miss that Linus was a wreak and wasn't doing good at all. I asked if I could talk to him in the kitchen and we walked off, I asked him why his mother was saying everything was fine when it wasn't. He just told me thhat his mother had always been like that, ignorent and didn't show feelings and didn't really care what he did aslong as he came home at night. I just got so chocked, she is behaving just like our father did when me and Niklas was young and lived with him. I felt so sorry for him and told him that if he wanted to he could move in with us but he said it was okay and that he had to stay home too look after her. When we walked back Nico saw that I really didn't want to stay there any longer so we excused and went home.

I'm worried about Linus... With a mother like that and having to go through all this alone is just wrong. I wish he could let me in alittle bit more so that i could see how he was really doing and that he would talk to me more open. But I suppose my misstake with the razorblade just made him back off even more because he is afraid to get attached to someone and then endup losing them to. but I just want him to know that I'm not going anywhere, I'm always going to be there for him, he is my little brother for crying out loud! and I love him.


Another great thing that has made me feel alittle bit better is that we found out today that Tove is coming home from the hospital next week!!! it's great!! I have missed her so much and I really need her right now! So honey, don't go and get ourself hurt now because I need you back home!! take care of yourself for my sake!

I don't really know what else to tell you so i think I'm going to go with Nico and the lads to the livingroom and watch a god movie so that i can think about what has happened today and alot of other things and just relax.


Tove will write tomorrow!
Take care
Love
Madde