Unease..

Yo guys!


Tove was right in her inlay yesterday, it was saturday yesterday, that means it's sunday today and then it's monday tomorrow :( Hate thoses days, it feels like it's going to be a bad day.

Anyway maybe i should tell you alittle bit about what I have been up to today and a few other stuff.

I have been tossing and turning all night so I haven't been sleeping so well, even though I had Nico by my side. I have been fearing this day for like a whole week, and I guess you are wondering why. I'll tell you. Zara is coming back home which means Nico is leaving me alone in this house with Toves family... He is leaving me alone with people who hates me and doesn't even talk to me... I feel so uncomfortable. But what can I do, I can't ask him to stay here because he misses Zara and loves her and I have to remember that we are just friends. But I mean, he knows I need him right now, it's not like so much has changed since last time I needed him. But I supposed he is getting tired of baby-sitting a grown woman......... God I'm sooo needy.

Although he promised he is coming by as often as he can and that I can call him when ever I need him. I'm going to try not to call him for every single thng that happens, we will see how that turnes out :P

But anyway, as you can understand I woke up next to Nico this morning which was nice and then we talked for a while before we got up. We talked about my decision to meet my little brother Linus for the first time. I had looked him up on the internet yesterday and I found his cellphone number so I texted him and asked if he wanted to meet me today and he did. So as soon me and Nico had woken up I got ready for my meeting with Linus. I was so nervous but all the sweet things Nico told me helped alot and Kian and Lukas came in and said some nice things too which was nice. Lukas said that he could go with me if i wanted but I think this is something i have to do on my own so I said no.


Before I left we had to sing and give presents to Kellan because it's his 24th birthday today! So HAPPY BIRTHDAY KELLAN! I know, we arn't really so good friends but it's still his birthday so you can't really have that much of a grudge on him. And tomorrow Tove will give him her present so you will have to wait till then to know what she is going to give him :P I gave him a nice necklace, a unique one I had custom made just for him. :) He loved it.


I went to the same café where I met dad and after sitting there for a few minutes wondering where he was, a blond young, pretty cute guy walkes in and looks really confused. Untill he saw me that was, he looked at something in his hand and then he started to walk towards me. When he came closer i could tell that he was a really good-looking young lad. (Don't get me wrong!! I don't have a thing for him. he is my LITLLE BROTHER!! and I don't fall for younger boys ;P) He said "hey" with a very nice voice and we got talking about our family and alot of different things. He was really heart-broken about dad having cancer and I asked him how dad had been towards him. He told me all those great things he had done for Linus and how he was like a really great dad who did exaclly as he was supposed to... Then he asked me "why do you ask?" and I had no ideawhat to say. I can't just say that he was never a good father and then bring everything up about him, mum, me and Nicklas. So insted of answering him I told him about Nic and what a great bigbrother he is.

When we had talked and hung out for a few hours we decided it was time t go to the hospital to meet Tove. When we got there Tove was talking to doctor Hottie and I just couldn't help myself so I started flirting with him as soon as I layed eyes on him. I'm such a bitch :P When Henrik finelly left the room I introduced Linus to
Tove and got the biggest chock of my life!! He started flirting like crazy with her and I could tell both Tove and Emil got very uncomfortable so I had to step in and started to talk to Tove about a bunch of other stuff. After an hour or something Linus said he had to go home so we said good bye and he left. When I turned to Tove again she was just looking at me with the biggest eyes in history and she said that he is just like me! I don't believe that...

Okay he is pretty, he has blond hair like me, really beautiful blue eyes just like me and he is very stylish so yeah we might look alike but Tove thinks we are alike when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex. I don't believe that. No one can be like me :P I'm one of a kind :P

Eh let's talk about something else.


You know how worried I have been over jared and johnny, and sad that they havn't called me or anything so I just had to give them a call. First i called Johnny who answered on the first signal and we talked for a while and it was just like before. Okay maybe alittle stiff but it was nice to hear his voice and he said he missed me and that was really nice to hear. We are still ahving a break but I know now that he still loves me. After hanging up i called Jared who also anwered pretty quickly and we aslo talked for quite some time. it was much more stiff talking to Jared but after a while we both loosened up and started to laugh which was so nice. We talked for like an hour and then I had to go because I was supposed to plan the Sligo trip with Shane, Kian, Marky and Nico.


We came to the conclusion that we are leaving as soon as Tove is back from the hospital. She has made up her mind of not coming with us, which is alittle sad because it would have been great to have her with us. Anyway we are staying on Ireland for a week so we are staying in Nicos house in Dublin for the first couple days because they whanted to show me Dublin and shop alittle. And then we are flying to Sligo and there me and Nico is going to live in his place there and the rest of the lads are going home to their wifes and boyfriend. It's going to be great to meet Gillian, Jodi and Kevin, I just hope they feel the same. Oh and Tove! I promis I wont tell Jodi about your wild night/day with Kian ;)

There was this thing Tove wrote in her inlay that I just have to coment on. She said that she is getting mad with me because I think that everything is my fault. Well let me say it like this. IT IS MY FAULT!!! I alwyas screw everything up. I screwed up my realtionship with one of the best guys ever, my ex. husband Lukas. I screwed up Jonte and Toves realtionship, I have screwed up alot of Toves realtionships and alot of other peoples relationships... So everything is may fault! Even robert thinks so!


I just wich I could find a guy like Nicky. A guy who will love me and who will make me a better person, a person who only needs him and noone else, a person who is happy and have no worries in the world, a person I can be without beeing angry with myself or disappointed. I want a guy like that, a guy who brings all thoses thing into me and my life.
I want nicky... but I can't have him :'(


I don't know what else to write...
I think I'm going to go and spend some time with Marky now since Nico has gone home to Zara.
Tove will write tomorrow.

Take care
Love
Madde