All I do is worry...

Hey guys!

Well I bet you guys are pretty curious about what happened at Jessicas date yesterday but I'm sorry you will have to wait a few more minutes ;) ahhaha first I have something far more important to write about. And i think you can guess what that is. Yeah that's right, Toves operation.

I can't say I'm so happy about her decision to go through with the operation even though she is to weak for it. She has a 30 % chance of survival and that is way to small for me to feel safe. I wish it would have been 100% or atleast 90% chance but I suppose it's like she says, its better to go through with it now then sitting around wait for something to happen. I'm just so fucking worried and I have no idea how i'm going to be able to go through this, and especially not now. She is going to do the operation in the end of next week but I'm thinking of asking Henrik to postpone it a few more days so that I can have Nicky here when Tove is in the O.R because I don't think I can go through that worry without having him here. I havn't been sleeping at all since she told me that she was going to do the operation, all I do is worry and cry and feel that my life is a living hell again. I don't understand why God makes our family go through all this, what have we done wrong?? I don't understand. I'm not going to survive without Tove and neither is Jensen. Last night he knocked on my door at 2.00 at night and none of us had been sleeping, we just sat there talking and when we were suppose to try and sleep he stayed in my room but we couldn't sleep. He asked me when we had been trying to sleep for about an hour if I was sleeping but I just said no and then we started talking again. He asked me how I was feeling about it and i said that I probobly feel just like him but then he said "I don't think that is possible." I aksed him why that was and he said "Well just think about it, if Tove dies on the operationtable then you will find out at once but I'm on the O.R table too so I won't findout untill I wake up and then she will be gone completely." When he said that both of us started to cry and hugged each other. We just sat there crying holding each other for a long while and then he said "So when is nico coming home? I suppose you want him to be there with you when tove has the operation." I felt the tears fall even faster and said "He's coming home on Monday but I can't go through this without him! I'm thinking about asking Henrik to postpone the operation but I don't think he will do that." Jensen looked at me and said "Well, I think that if you call Nicky and tell him about the operation and that you need him there with you then he will come home so that he is here." I just said "I can't do that, he is with his girlfriend and she is his prio 1. I don't think he would do that, and even if he does don't you think he will find me needy and shit?". Jensen just shook his head and said "You are taling about Nicky Bryne as if he was just any guy. You know Nicky, he would never find you needy and he would leave China for you if you truly need him. Just call him and ask and then you will have your answer.".

So well i did as Jensen said and called Nicky and told him how i felt, it was kind of sad because since I had been crying all night my vioce was pretty messed up so when he picked up all happy to see it was me and I said "Hey nico." he changed his tone immediately and asked what was wrong and if I had been crying, I told him the truth and then I said "So Tove is going through with the operation on Friday afternoon and I just can't go through this without you, I'm sorry Nicky that i'm asking this of you and I understand if you don't want to come..." then he interrupted me and said "I'll change the booking for my home ticket and I'll come home thrusday night. Don't you dare think for a minute that I'm just going to leave you there when you need me, I'll be there I swear to God." By then i had started to cry again and thanked him, he said that he would have wanted to come home now but that he had to stay till Thursday and be with Zara for a few more days. I told him that it was okay and that i would survive till Thursday, he just said good and then we talked for like a few more hours.

Okay now to something more interesting, Jessicas date ;)

Tove asked me to keep an eye on her so that was what i did. But first i helped her to get ready and man when i was done with her she looked great! Mikael would die when he saw her. Anyway, at 19.00 the doorbell rang and I opened the door and there was mikael, he looked pretty good too, just like a mini Jensen ;) and I told him to come in. Beofre Jessica came down I told him to have her home at 12 and that is something would happen to her I would persinally hunt him down and hurt him like hell. He got abit freaked but said he would have her home at 12 and that she would look just like she did when she left. Then Jess came down and Mikael gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and then they left, of course I asked then were they were going and he said that they first were going to have some dinner and then go to the cinema. When they had left I aksed Lukas if he wanted to go out and eat some dinner and the go to the movies. He was a little suspicious but said okay and when we took his car he got even more suspicious. then he asked me why we really were going out so i had to tell him that we were going to spy on Jessica and Mikael and the great thing is that Lukas is fine with stuff like that so he just said "oh okay let's go" and we left.

At the restarant we got the best table possible because it was just so that i could se Jessica and Mikael but they couldn't see us. but I can't really tell yu anything fun from dinner because nothing happened really. They were just talking and laughing and seemed to have just a good time together but when they were about to leave and go to the movies Micke took Jessicas hand and then they walked off hand in hand. I swear to God that if he hurts her i'm going to kill that son of a bitch.

Okay anyway. at the movies on the other hand some things happened. They were going to watch "the hangover" so me and Lukas bought a ticket each and followed them into the auditorium. I'm so thankfull that they never saw us and that we got seats just a few rows above them so we saw them all the time. I didn't see so much of the movie because I was keeping my eyes on Jess and Micke but apparently it was really funny because everybody bursted out laughing a few times. Well, jess and micke didn't see so much of it either because during the second half of the movie they were kissing and cuddling all the time! They thing i found coolest was that jessica was the one who took the first step because she looked at him and he looked back and then she slowly leaned in and then he got the message and started to lean in too but then she just placed a kiss on his lips. I don't really know how to feel about it, of corse I'm happy that she has found someone she really likes but I'm worried because what if he is a player and just wants to be with her now and in a few days he will dump her and find someone else. I would really like to give him the benefit of the doubt but it's not so easy everytime especially when i know what men are capable to.

Well when the clock started to move closer to 12.00 me and Lukas had to get a move on because I had to be home when jessica came home so that she would suspect something so we thought "Well let's take a shortcut and then we will be home long before Jess comes home. Well just one problem, we were driving on our "shortcut" and then we were stopped by the police. Apparently Lukas had been driving alittle to fast so the cop wanted to see his driver's licence and the certificate of registration. Then he got a ticket and all this took about 15 minutes which ment we had about 5 minutes till jess would be home and we were 10 minutes away from home. When we finally were allowed to drive off again we had to drive ligally because the police was following us. Sometimes i hate policeofficers!!! Well we were really worried but when we got home we didn't see a car on the driveway so we quickly parked the car and got into the house and thankfully jess wasn't home yet. When we had sat down in the kitchen to take something to drink we saw Mickes car drive up on the driveway and stop, then the two lovebirds kissed and Jess walked alone to the door and got in. She joined us at the table and I just had to act curious so i asked how her even had been and she was just over the moon about her date. Then she asked what I had been up to all night and I just said Lukas and I had been watching a movie and talked.

Today I have been spending most of my time with Tove and Jensen because both me and Jensen want's to spend as much time as possible with her. Jared, Tobbe and Lukas joined us too and we just talked alot. I think it was alittle to much for linus to handle so he walked out and said he was going to see the shrink. I asked Tove when he had left if he had gone to the shrink today and she said no. It seems that Toves little threat worked because he is actaully starting to listen, when he came back lukas and Tobbe had left so it wasn't so much people there so he could handle it. I todl them i would be back in a sek and then I walked out and found Herink. I asked him if he knew who Linus' shrink was and he said it was a man called Dr. Christoffer Magnusson. I went looking for his room and found it eventually, when he told me to come in I entered and found a very sexy man sitting behind a desk. He asked me what i wanted and I said that I was Linus' big sister and that I wanted to talk about him. He told me to sit down and then he came and sat down infront of me and siad "Well, I can't really say anything about Linus because of the professional secrecy. but what do you want to know?" I told him that I understood and then i asked "I just want to know how he feels because he just won't talk to me, he is really working against me and seems to hate my guts which I don't understand. I just want to make sure he is okay." Dr. Magnusson leaned back and said "well he is a very troubled boy and he seems to have a problem trusting people but all i have heard about you has been said with kind words. I'm sorry i can't tell you anything more because it's against the law but just give Linus some time and he will come around." I just nodded and ran my fingers through my hair and leaned back. Then he said "You seem troubled too Madde, what's on your mind? do you want to talk about it?" I just looked at him and said "Yeah i'm troubled but you arn't my shrink and I don't even like going to shrinks." then he started to laugh and then he said "okay fair enough, let's say it like this then, would you like to talk about what's on your mind and don't think of me as a shrink but a friend." then he smiled and he had a really cute smile with dimples. I smiled back and said "okay fine, but plz don't be all therapeutical and understanding" He smiled again and said okay so I told him about Toves operation and then about Nico and my feelings for him and his realtionship with Zara. He was just sitting there listening and nodding in the right places and stuff like that. When i finally stopped talking he said "So you are afraid Nicky will think you are needy because you need him because your best friend in the whole world is going to go through a very dangerous operation?" I just nodded and then told him about the last time Tove was in the hosptail and then I told him about the cutting and showed him the scar. Then he said "From what i have heard about Nicky and how nice he seems to be then I think you might be underestimating him. I think he is as worried about you as you are about Tove. This man seems to love you in a way that is pretty peculiar and he seems to be willing to give you anything you need and want's to be there for you. If I were him and had those feelings about you I would be worried sick right now and I would blame myslef for alot of things that has happened to you even if you have caused them yourself." I told him "I think he does, worry about me and blame himself for stuff that has happened to me but I don't want him to feel that way. I hate to see him sad and worried, I just want him to be happy and to live a good life. He was so much better off without me, all i have caused him is sadness and worry and that is just wrong." Christoffer leaned forward and took my hand, it felt really wired but i let him hold it and then he looked into my eyes and said "Do you really think he would be better off? Don't you think you have given him soemthing that he never want to lose? Because of what you have told me, about both sad and good things Nicky has been there through it all, right next to you and if he didn't want to be there do you really think he would?" I shook my head and said "I suppose not but he is just to nice to say no." Then he laught softly, let go of my hand and stood up "I would love to meet this guy because even though you love him and he clearly loves you back you still seem to worry that he doesn't. I don't think you have to and I can say like this, don't think that he doesn't want to be with you and be there with you when you need him because then you are really really foolish. Then you are acting like a really blondy. Well, I'm sory but I'm going to have to ask you to leave now because I have a patient in a few minutes and I need a cup of coffee. But if you ever need to talk again just stop by." I thanked him and thought that I should pay him ebcause he is a shrink after all and we had been talking for about two hours. But he stopped me and siad "friend remember, and next time I'll be your friend too. Don't worry about it, you have enough on your mind anyways." I thanked him again and went back to Toves room, when I got there they asked where I had been but I didn't want to tell them with linus there so I just told them I would tell them later.

Well I just have to ask someone to kill me because I just can't believe i missed Johnnys birthday too!! First Robs and now Johnnys. Well i gave him a call today nad he siad "better late then never I suppose" I guess that's right but I felt really stupid and we talked for like and hour. I asked how he had been doing and he said he was good, missed me though but that he thought it was for the best that we had broken up. We were together for a pretty long time and I suppose the feelings had cooled off a bit. I think it was for the best too but i still miss him so I asked him if he wanted to follow us to the cottage this summer anyway even though we weren't together anymore and he said he'd love to so he is coming too this summer! I can't wait to see him again, it's going to be great!

Hum... I don't really know what else to tell you guys so I thin i'm going to wrap this up now and head downstairs and join Jared, Jensen, Tobbe, Lukas and Jess in the tv-sofa and watch a good movie.

You'll hear mor from me on Monday but tomorrow Tove will write ;)

Take care
Love
Madde