Resist or not, that' sthe qustion?

Hello!

Another day in hell at this hospital. Or it haven't been so bad yet, but today Madde went home. So the hell has just started! I hate this! Right now is the middle of the night and I just woke up from my first nightmare for a few days now. And now I can't even talk someone and the room feels so dark and scary. But I acutally just got of the phone with Jensen, I called him after my nightmare. I can tell you more about that later maybe I should start telling you what happend today.

Jensen came by this morning really early and crowled down in my bed next to me. Then we feel a sleep again. We woke up at 10 a clock because then they came with breakfast and then Jensen walked down to eat something to in the cafeteria. When me and Madde was alone then Henrik came in. He just pretended that everything was like it use to and nothing had happend between him and Madde yesterday. He walked towards me he just said hello to Madde. I diden't say anything either I just pretended like normal.

I asked him what he had been upto last night. He just said noting speciel. I just wanted him to tell me himself, but that diden't seems like that was going to happend. Then I told him that I had tryed to call him yesterday because I wanted to hang out but he haden't answer, then I asked him if he diden't do anything why diden't he answer. Then he came with a lam explaintion that he had fallen asleep in he's office after dinner and when he woke up the clock was about 11 at night. Then I just told him that it was okay. I took a grip at he's shirt and pulled him closer to me and he kissed me, while we where kissind I said " Maybe we should ask Madde to join us since you two had such a good time last night, or you had anyway!"

He just looked at me, and I just pushed him away, he looked at me and then at Madde and I don't think he know what to say so he just said " why aren't you angry with madde too?!" Me and Madde just looked at each other and then I said " That's because I asked her to seduce you so I could fine out what kind of man you are!"

Then he started to say that I wasen't that much better, beacause I had sleeped with Kian and cheated. I told him that I wasen't proud about and I hated myself for that and regreted it with all my heart, and that he diden't seems to feel sorry at all! Then he started to say how sorry he was and that I should give him another chance and then everything would be diffrent.

I yelled at him and that we where over for good!! Then he just walked out and slamed the door behind him.

Madde walked over to me and gave me a hug and asked if I was okay. I said " Yes, it's for the best right?" She just said "Yes" Then Jensen came back and this time Jared was with him too, he came and gave me hug and then walked over to Madde and gave her a hug. Jensen sat down next to me at the bed and Jared next to Madde. I looked Jensen in the eyes and told him that it was over between me and Henrik. He asked me in I was sure and I said yes. He looked at me and smiled, he looked so happy.

Then he asked why I was so sure about that all the sudden because yesterday I had told him that I wanted to give him another chance. I looked at Madde then down on the bed and said”That’s because I asked Madde to seduce him and see what he would do" Both Jensen and Jared looked at Madde. Madde gave them a little insecure smile and said”yes I'm Madde" They just stared at her which she got a little annoyed at after a while and said” Come on! I had to stand up for the team!" Jared asked " Are you and Tove a team?" Madde answered " yes we are I thought you knew that.

And I know that Tove would of that the same thing for me or I hope that anyway" Then Jensen and Jared looked at me again and both asked at the same time if I would of done that, because that not me. I said”of course I do everything for Madde, but I probably wouldn’t be as good as her” Then Jared said " But still Madde? Every guy in the world would do her if they got the chance.

So I think you where a little mean to Henrik to use her as bait because no one can resist her, you should have taken a more ugly girl just to see who desperate he was. " I like that he thinks that's the biggest problem in all this that we should of used an ugly girl instead :P haha But I said " Even though Madde is the sexiest woman on earth, he should of said no if he really liked. I think some guys can resist her and keep it in there pants."

Jared just looked at me as I was crazy and said " like who?" I said" Well like Jensen I don't think he would do it, even though she was wearing short shorts and a small thigt top or even if she was naked. I still don't think he would do it. " Jared asnwerd and said " Yeah well Jensen is kind of stupied so.

" Then Jensen said" Guys I'm sitting right here, why don't you just asked me?" But me and Jared just ignored him and continued our discussion. Then I said ”yeah maybe he is, but still I don't think he's that desperate" Jared laughed a little and said " Are you sure? Hasn’t have sex in like 65 days or so. Like I said it's hard to say no to that body"

Then he checked Madde out.

But I don't think she mind that because she loves when people talks about how hot she is ;P

Then I said " Yes I'm sure even though it have gone by all this time. Right Jensen?" Jensen said " Finally is there someone who asked me about all this! No I would do it because I don't think she is the sexiest woman on earth, the woman I think is the sexiest on earth or in the whole universe isn’t blond” Then he turned to me and looked at me. I responded and said " are you blind?! I haven't been showering for two days, I don't have any make up on, I have bruises all over my face and the rest of the body too, I wearing my softie pants and my hair we shouldn’t even talk about that! And it isn’t even my hair! Are you stupid?"

Jensen just smiled and said " no I'm not blind. I think you are the most beautiful and sexy woman in the world. And that's my opinion, so I don't care if you don't think so. But if someone is blind then it's you" I got so frustrated at him! I just said angry" I'm not blind! I'm just telling the truth!"

Then he walked away from my bed, and all three of us looked confused and wondering what he was doing. Then he just walked in to the bathroom and came back with a big mirror in he's hands who had been haning on the wall in there.

Then he walked over to me and said " Look at yourself and see who beautiful you are" I just turned away and put a pillow over my head and said no!I'm not like Madde who likes to hear that I'm is beautiful, that's the worse think I know!I said angry too him" Go away with that! It's enought that I have to see myself eveyday in that mirror when I washes my face! And you can't make me chance my oppinion!" Jensen said " Fine! But you are an idoit, do you know that? If I can't chance your oppinien that you can chance mine. Even though I disagree with you oppinion!" I just said " Fine!"

Then Jared interrupted us and said " Do you know that you all ready fighting like are a couple or maybe even married. And you two are not even a couple. " Madde had to add "yet" this time too.
Then Madde and Jared laught and then Jared said something funny about Dr. Romano and then we started to laugh too. While Jared was laughing he said" You can't say he's not desperate, you two are like all over each other all the time" Madde just agreed both me and Jensen said at the same time" no we are not!" But apperantly those other two diden't agree! I have no ide what they are talking about all we do is sleep, they are weird.

After lunch Jared and Madde walked outside to be in the sun for while, or was it just to leave us alone for a while or what? ;) We was laying on the bed I had my head on he's cheast. Then all teh sudden he said " I'm sorry" I just looked up at him really confused and asked what he was sorry for. He said " I'm sorry for not being there when you had cancer, I diden't supported you as I should of done. I diden't even call. "

I put my index finger on he's lips as a sign that he should be quit. Then I said " you have nothing to be sorry for about that. It my own fauilt that you left, you wheren't the one who cheated right? I was, so I'm the one whos sorry not you. Even though I was sick I never blamed you for not being there for me I understand that it was awful to fine out what I had done, so I understand. So plz done be sorry for my mistakes" I smiled and gave him a kiss.
Then he siad " I will try not to be" Then we just layied there. He took my hand and touched the plastic ring he had given me. When we was lying then I thought about who I should tell him about James. Another guy that I sleeped with last summer. Madde help me who can I tell him.
You probably don't think I should tell him but I can't live with this lie anymore. If we are geting back togeheter then I want to be totally honest to him and have no lies. I have no idea who to tell him this! Why the hell did I sleep with James and Kian!! How could I do that to him he's like the most amazing guy in the world then I do this! I think I really need to tell him, but the question is just how...After a while we both fall asleep.

We woke up when Madde and Jared came back. Then Jared was hungry so he took Jensen to the cafeteria. I think Madde had told him to do that so we could talk. She sat down on my bed and started to say that we where cute when we sleeped together and it's goo dthat I can sleep then. I said to her that I thought it was weird that he sleep so much first at nights and then like a few hours her. Then she said " Well I talked to Jared the other day and he told me that Jensen can sleep at night either" I said " what? he dosne't even look tierd and why don't he tell me about that? " Madde just said " I don't know maybe he dosen't want to worry you"I just said yeah maybe.. Then she asked if I was okay with her leaving this afternoon. I just said " No I'm not but do I have a choose?" She just shaked her head and huged me.

While she was huging me she said " But I will be here evreyday and visit and when Nico leaves then I will be almost like I'm staying her again except the night, and

then you have Jensen too" Then I said " That's something anyway, but I woulden't mind if you left me and Jensen alone a little while while you are almost staying here" ;P

Then both of us laught. Then I asked Madde " they diden't go the the cafeteria right? Are they just outside the door? " She smiled and said " You know me to well, and they are probaly pressing their ears against the door just to hear what we are saying, don't you think?" ;) I laughed and said " yes probably. Should we let them in again?"

Madde said " Yes, but just one thing before we do that." She looked me into the eyes and said firmy with her kind voice " You are beautiful, do you hear that?!" I just said ”yeah yeah.." Then she told the guys to get their ears from the door and get there asses in here again.

Which they did.

Jared went home to fixe somethings and Jensen was talking in the phone with someone about a move outside, but instead Nico showed up he was going to take Madde home. He gave me a hug and then Madde a hug and a kiss. Nico asked what all that with the closhes was yesterday. Madde told him about the favour she had done for me.
He diden't like it, when Madde walked outside to sign some pappers he started to yell at me. That I have to start thnking as Madde as a friend and not a sex object and I shoulden't have asked her to do that, and if she got hurt then it was my fauilt and much other things. He was really pissed off! I diden't have the strength to fight back, so I diden't say anything I just let him yell at me, which uselly is not me, but just diden't have the energy to do anything about it!

After 10 minuts Madde came back in, when we heard that she was outside the door Nicky stoped yelling at me! He can't even show Madde that's he angry with me! It's not that I'm proud that I asked her to do this for me, but I just diden't have choose and it's not like I forced her either, she could of said no. So he has no right to be angry with me or Madde! But Madde will probably just take he's side on this.. Anyway nico asked if she was ready to leave, and she said yes. Then she looked at me and she looked really sad. I said " Madde plz don't cry! It's not like I wont see you again" She walked towards me and I could see she was fighting back the tears then she gave me a big and long hug and a kiss on the cheek and said she would call me tonight and that I could call her when ever I want day or night. I strok her on the back and said " I will be okay, I love you" Then she said " I love you more"

Then I laught and said " That's not possible" Then we let go and before she walked out the door she gave me a kiss in throw the air and then she walked out.

Nico just looked at me angry.

A little while after Jensen came back and asked if I was okay.I just told him that I was okay. He told me to wait and then he walked outside again and he came in
with a huge teddy bear and bouquet flowers then he gave me a kiss and then he gave me the flowers and said that he had gather them himself so that was sweeit then he said " I don't know anything about flowers so I hope is not just grass" I smiled and said gave him a kiss and said thanks.

Then he gave me the bear and said " I thought now when you are alone you need a big bear to pretect you since I can't stay her yet. And this is the largest on I could find and I took that one because then you can pretend it's me at night, so
then you can hug "me" and do everythin else we do like cuddle and stuff and prented like I'm here" I just laught and said " Thank, but I have to say you are not this soft, but I can try to prented it's you.

Do you want me to make out with him too make out with him too just like we do? " ;) He laught and said " You can do that if you like, but I don't think he is as good kisser as I'm" I laught and gave the bear a kiss. Then I said " He's even better then you, so much better. You ahve something to learn from the bear"

Then he gave me the most passioned kiss I have ever gotten from him! Except that kiss at our date. But otherwise it was amzing!! Then he asked " Me or the bear?" I smiled and said " Definitely still the bear, but you are catching up with him" Then he kissed me again, and layed himself on top of me and I put my hand is side of he's shirt to feel he's back.
But then teh my phone called and interrupted us. But maybe that was for the best.

I still dont understand why Jared and Madde thinks we are all over each other ;) haha
It was Madde who called and said that she had gotten home.
And that they should eat soon apprently Johan had cooked. I asked her to find out what was going on between Krisen and johan.
And I told her that she is my spy right now and I want to know everything weird and funny who happends at home. Then she had to go because nico wnated something.

Right now I'm sitting here in the middel of the night alone. All scared and sad.

But it acutally helped to talk to Jensen.

I first consider to call Madde but since she was probably asleep I diden't want to wake her up.

So then I thought I should call Jensen since I found today that he coulden't sleep either at night.

He aswerd and he diden't sound at like he had been sleeping.

I told him about me nightmare and that I was scared and things like that.

Then he told me that everything would be okay and that he would come by as soon as the doors got unlocked at the hospital. So that felt good.

Then I asked him" why diden't you tell me that you aren't sleeping either?" He got quit and said " Who told you that? " I said that it was Madde who had heard it from Jared.

Then he said " Just because I diden't want you to worry about me. I should worry about you and take care of you not the other way around"

I said " Just because I'm sick dosen't mean that I dosen't care about you. And I worry about you all the time even if you don't want to. And I wont die just because you tell me this.

I care about you and I want to know who you are feeling and what you are thinking, okay?"

He just said " okay"

Then I asked " Good. So tell me why you are not sleeping?"

He got quit again and then he said " that's because I want you here next to me, and I worry all the time that I will get the phone call that you diden't make it. "

I said " I want to be there too by yourside evreyday all the time evreyday. And honey don't worry about that, I'm geting stronger and stronger for everyday. You are not geting that call trust me! I know I can do this again and evreything will be just fine! plz try to sleep now and then I willse eyou tomorrow"

Then Jensen said " I really hope you will be here by myside the rest of ourlifes. But you ahve to tell me if you are feeling worse, no more lies. yes I will try if you do?" I said " No more lies. Yes I will I promis. see you tomorrow baby" He just said good night and then we hang up.

I acutally tried to sleep but it diden't go so well. So that's why I'm writing now.

But right now I have no more to say. So maybe I should try to get two hour sleep before the first round.

You will hear from Madde tomorrow :)

If you aren't all reday asleep then I say good night and sleep well! :)

Kisses Tove