figure things out.

Hello!

First and formost I have to say something about the terrible news that has traveled the world these last few day. The king of Pop, Michael Jackson, is dead. I'm not the biggest M.J fan there is but he has still been a big part of my life, he has made some great songs and although all those scandals has been hovering over him his fans have never left him. It feels horrible to know he is gone from this world and to read in the news papers about his family and kids and about all his fans world wide that are grieving their big idol is just heartbreaking. As you know I'm a pretty sensitive girl and today when I was reading about who will get costody for his kids I found myself crying over his death ad how it has effected everyone. of course there are people who doesn't like M.J and thinks that he hasn't given anything to the music world and that he is just a man who wanted publicity. One of those people is Alexander Bard who is a member of BWO, he siad that M.J hasn't given anything to the music industry and that his death didn't effect so many... can I just ask something? What the fuck is wrong with that man??!! Michael Jackson was as big as Elvis and he has done so much for the music industry. You can ask anyone who Michael Jackson is and everyone will say "he is a musician" or "he is the king of pop" or "my greatest idol and an amazing singer and a great entertainer." and that is exacly what he was. An amazing singer, a great entertainer and a terrific dancer. But his career went downhill and some of the world turned against him. He was accused for molesting young boys but he was never charged but it totally brought him down and people strated to chase him even more. He had to sell his Neverland and had debts up over his ears, but still this summer he was coming back to say goodbye to his fans and to play at 50 conserts in London... but now he is dead and the final consert will never be... the king of pop never got to say his goodybyes and how much he loves his fans. But he will always live on in the hearts of his fans and with his music. He was a great man, singer, entertainer and dancer. R.I.P Michael Jackson, may you finally find rest and peace.

Okay, that was a little bit unexpected huh? well, i just had to write alittle about him and how I feel. but now lets talk about today...

I dicided today that I would talk to Krisen... but I'm not really a woman-woman... I have a hard time talking to women about how I feel and stuff like that, I think it's much easier to talk to guys but she is worried about me and she might be able to help me... and I suppose she is like my mum so i should really try and bond with her alittle. So this morning before i went to the hspital to see Tove I sat down at the kitchentable and asked Krisen if I could talk to her. I don't think I've ever seen her so happy and sad at the same time before, she nodded and said "Go ahead sweetheart. I'm here for you.". I took a deep breath and said "well... I need your help." she asked with what and I said "with linus... it's driving me crazy that he won't talk to me and I hate that he hates me so much... i don't even know what i have done wrong.". She took my hand that was lying on the table and said "there isn't so much i can do sweety, but I'm sure that if you gie him some time he will come around." I have heard that so many times and I think I have waited but he never seems to come around... I shook my head and then she said "hey, don't worry about him he is okay. and you are okay too right? you have Tove, who will always be there for you and of course nico who you have been spending a lot of time with these last few months." When she mentioned that about Tove and Nico I could feel the tears burn behind my eyelids and i think she could see it too because she asked what was wrong so i told her everything. I told about my feelings for Nicky, I told her about Emma, David and Kim and how worreid they are, i told her about Zara and how afraid i was that she was going to forbi nico to see me. And then i told her about what Tove had said and that I didn't deserve her and... well everything. She was just sitting there and when i ahd finished and my tears wre streaming down my cheeks she said "Well, You feelings for Nico was pretty obvious... I don't think i've ever seen you like this around a guy, you are so happy and full of love that it's crazy. I'm sorry that Nico is already taken but i understand how the kids feel and of course how Zara must feel. But I think that Zara trusts you and Nico and I can't believe that she would forbid him to see you. I actually don't think nicky will agree with that... you have no idea how worried that man is about you, even thought there might not be anything to worry about. And about my dear doughter and what she has said to you... well, you have been taking Nico before Tove but that is life when you are in love. But madde, you have to show tove that she is important to you. She knows how mush Nico means to you and I hope she is willing to oversee that but you can't just leave her and then when Nico is gone just go back to her like nothing has happened. that isn't right.". My tears were still pouring down my cheeks and I told her that i understand that and that Tove means the world to me and that i need us to fix everything that has happened. Krisen just said that it wasn't going to be a problem, atleast that is what she thinks. and that even thought all this has happened Nico would still be there for me. I think it's quite wierd how everyone knows that he will be there and everyone knows that everything will be okay... but i really hope that is true.

While we were sitting there the door opened and Nicky walked in. He looked pretty hackneyed and tired and when he saw that i was crying he got really worried and ran up to me and asked what was wrong. I couldn't just sit there without doing anything so i wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him, he kissed my cheek and asked again what was wrong, then Kristina said I think the two of you need to talk." and then she left the kitchen and took the dogs for a walk. I pulled away from nicky and looked into his gorgeous eyes and I just started to cry even more, he kissed my forehead and took my hand and pulled me up so I was standing. We walked up to my room and sat down on my bed. When I finally managed to calm myslef down alittle he said "you okay?" I just nodded and stroke the tears away and said "I'm okay.. but I'm so sorry!". He just asked what about and I said "about your kids and Zara and that i have been so needy and selfish and taken you away from your family.". He took my hand and said "Don't worry honey, I don't blame you for anything. I should have known better but I don't regret any of it. These last few months has been great, I've gotten to know a woman who is just so amazing and I know that without her in my life I wouldn't be as happy as i am. Look, I need to tell you something.". I looked him in the eyes and saw how sad he looked so i put my hand on he cheek and said "You are leaving..." He took a deep breath and said "Zara is coming home on thursday so that we can work some things out and tell the kids that everything is fine. And then I'm going with her to China so that we can spend some time together." He looked really sad when he said that but it felt like he was scared he was going to hurt me and he did but I said "look, I allready knew it, Tove told me. I think it's good... I have almost destroyed your family and I feel horrible about that but there is one thing I need to know." He took my hand and asked what and I said "Are you leaving me? Has Zara forbided you to see me? is it because of that you are here and are so sad?" when I said that my voice faild me and a tear found it's way down my cheek but i tried not to cry more then one tear. Nicky gave me a hug and said "I would never leave you Madde. If Zara would forbid me to see you I would get really angry with her because she has no right, but she doesn't like the face that we sleep in the same bed." I nodded and felt a slight relife when he said that. Then he said "madde, babe. I'm so sorry. I know about your feelings for me but still i have been leading you on. I feel so stupid and selfish just because I loved your company but I hurt you and I hate it.". I put a finger on his lips so that he would shut up and said "Nicky, Don't be sorry. You haven't done anything wrong and you haven't hurted me, you have given me the best monthes ever and I love you so much. I know I should have been trying to stay away from you so taht my feelings for you would have cooled off but I couldn't and I can't. You must think I'm worse the a stalker and I'm..." now it was his turn to put a finger on my lips to get me quite. he siad "If you are a stalker you are the best stalker in all the world. i love you madde and I can't be parted form you either, i won't. My family is really important to me and i love Zara so much but I think you know more about me then she does and we have so much fun and I feel so at home with you.". I told him i felt the same way and then he softly gave me a kiss and then we talked about everything and nothing. It feels pretty good to know that he is still there with me altough I might never wake up next to him again but he still loves me and he doesn't want to be partd from me. I suppose I can live with that, but I think I'm going to need my best friend by my side so I suppose I have to fix this thing between Tove and I.

When we had talked for another hour or something we took my lambo and drove over to the hospital. Jensen was already there with Tove but thankfully we didn't interrupt something today. It was pretty embarrassing to walk in on them like that but at the same time we got a pleasent surprise or atleast i did. Tove, way to go, he is really goodlooking ;) hahaha Anyway, when we had talked for awhile Tove asked if she could talk alone with Nico so me and Jensen left the room after I had given her a warning look. I then took the liberty to ask jensen what he thought about Tove going with Henrik to malmö and all that. he said "Well, I'm not happy about it in any way but i promised I would trust Tove so i have to try. but that doesn't mean I trust henrik not to try anthing with her, I just hope she can say no." I know exacly how he feels because I have promised her that I would trust her, or try anyway. But I don't trust henrik too keep it in his pants. I really hope nothing will happen and most of all i wish Tove would take Jensen with her but I suppose that is out of the question if henrik gets to choose.

Anyway when we had been talking for about a half hour we said taht they must have finished talking so we walked in. It was not a pleasent atmosphere in that room what so ever, both Nicky and Tove looked really angry and I understood that there was no use to aks them what was going on because then hell would break loose. me and Jensen just looked at each other and then he walked over to Tove and gave her a soft kiss and after that she had softened up alittle. I walked over to Nicky and put my hand on his, he put his other hand on mine and took a deep breath and turned to me and gave me a gentle smile and then he was alittle calmer too. We talked for a while and then the door opened and in walkes none other then Eddie himself. I was really hoping that yesterday was the last day i would have too meet him but i guess that was wishful thinking... He looked around the room but his eyes stayed alittle too long on me before they continued to Nico and then he spotted our hands and he quickly looked away... I wonder why. Anyway he tried to give Tove a hug but she refused and then he walked towards me and I was really getting worried and Nico got really tence where he was sitting but then Eddie grabbed the chair next to mine and pulled it closer to Toves bed. I reallt thought he was going to give me a hug or soemthing, I don't know what i would have done but i know that Nico would have started to fight with him... after what happened in the kitchen a month Nico is really hateing Eddie and I feel like the feelings are mutual. Tove tried to get him to understand that we don't want him here but he seems to be alittle slow because he doesn't understand. Then after Tove had told him to leave a few times Jensen stood up and walked over to him and said "I think it's best if you leave now." Eddie just looked at him and said "I don't think you have anything to do with this." i felt how my hatred bubbeled inside and Tove was just on her way to yell something at him when Nico stood up and walked over to them and sayed behind Jensen and said "If you don't leave now we will make you leave. None of us wants you here, not even your doughter so than you really should stay away.". Eddie got up and both jensen adn Nicky straightened themselfs up and then Eddie understood taht he was never going to win over them so after trying to give Tove another hug he left but not without throwing one last look at me which made me feel rally uncomfortable. When he finally closed the door behind him Nicky said "I really do not like that dude... and not the way he looks at you, Madde." he sat down next to me and I said "Well i don't think anyone likes him and I hate the way he looks at me, I feel really uneasy.". I know it's my own fault that he looks at me like that but I just wish he would stop.

Well when we had to go back home and since nicky had his car at our place he went with me in the lambo. When we parked the car on the parkinglot he walked over to me and stood infront of me so that I was leaning myself on the car. He said "Madde, I don't feel comfortable with leaving you when Eddie is here, he seems to be able to do anything." I stroke his arm and said "Don't worry about me, you have to go and fix your family and all that I have ruined. I'll be fine.". He just said that I havn't ruined anything and that he was to blame for everything that has happened too but I don't think so. Then i asked him what had happened in the room when I was outside talking with jensen. I could tell that he didn't really want to talk about it because he clench his teeth so that his gorgeous cheekbones showed even more. I took his hand and moved one step closer and put the other hand on his chest and said "please tell me." he sighed and said "She just said what she thought about this... us... and that i was a dick for leading you on and hurting you and that I wasn't only hurting you but Zara and the kids too. And that if I really loved you I would understand that I should stay away more.". I leaned back on the car and siad "well, don't listen to her. That is her opinions but you have too... I mean we have to figure this out on our own but first of all you need to go with Zara to China when she is going again. And don't you dare stay away more then what we already talked about." He gave me a soft smile and said "you're right, we have to figure this out. I won't stay away more then we already talked about." then he said "So how's thing between you and Tove?" I told him about what she said and felt and things I felt and have said and then I said "But we are going to figure this out, when you leave me and Tove are going to fix our relationship. I owe that to her, I owe her my life. Without her i would probobly be dead already and I would never have met you or anyone else for that matter. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me." he nodded and said "I'm glad you are going to work this out, and I suppose when you put it like that i owe her too because if she wouldn't have been there for you I would never have met you and that would suck completly.". We talked alittle while longer but then he had to go back home so he gave me a kiss on the cheek and stroke it with the back of his fingers and siad "i'll call you later. Be good, bye." I just said okay and watched him get in his BMW and drive off.

Wow, this inlay got pretty long, well I don't really have anything else to tell you because nothing more happened today. I watched a movie with Jared, it was pretty cozy but now I'm going to head the pillow because I'm pretty tired.

Tove will write tomorrow
Take care
Love
Madde