I'm Hate Myself!

Hi my name is Tove and I'm an Stupid Idotic Bitch!
Well maybe it's for the best that I start the tell you about the day from the beeingin.

Jensen came by this morning like he always do when the doors open at the hospital, which is around six. Then he came and laied next to me in the bed and feel a slepp again for almost three hours. That's like the only time we acutally sleep, because I can't sleep and night and not he either. So when he comes over that's the best time of the day.

When we was awke we just laied there, he had my hand in his and he was playing with my finger with he's fingers. but then he stoped and looked at the red ring.
I told him that I had heard that he and Madde had talked about that yesterday. He nodded. Then I said" I can't belive she though it was an engagedment ring! I have no idea what she get's her crazy ideas from. She's crazy! " He diden't say anything, then i looked at him and said " Rifgt?" Then he looked sad and just said right, but I feel that he diden't mean it, so I asked him
" Do you want to get married? And plz tell me the truth" He got quitet and then he said " I do"
I said " You know that I never want to get married, right? So are you sure that you just want to throw that dream away for beeing with me?" He looked at me and said " You will never get married?" I just shaked my head and he said " okay, I'm fine with that, but I have to say that I hope you will chance your mind sometime, but If you don't that's fine with me too as long as I can speand the the rest of my life with you I will be so much more then fine!" Then he smiled and kissed me.

Then we laied there for a short while in silence before I told him that we needed to talk. I could see that he got scared, well he wasen't the only one.
Then he asked " Are you breaking up with me?" I looked at him and said" No I'm not, and btw we are not even togheter, but if we where then you would be the one breaking up with me now.. " He just looked confused and before he had the chance to say anything more I said" Jensen, I'm sooo soo sorry! You have no idea how sorry I'm! I have something I need to tell you, and plz don't hate me! But I understand if you do. Here it comes.. Last summer in the cottage I... I.. sleeped with James! I'm so sorry honey! I just wantedto be honest! " He just looked at me with such disappointment and anger, he diden't say anything. I could feel that the tears was running down my cheeks. He just satt there on my bed and he looked so messed up and it looked like he was going to start to cry too of all the disappointment with me. But then he just stood up and left my room with out a word. Which is even worse then he had said something to me or yelled or whatever! I just hate this, why do I alsways screw up! Like I told Madde when I start to think that evrything starts to get good and even great then I always screw up!
I hate myself!!

When he left the tears just started to fall faster and faster down my cheeks I picked up the phone and called Madde. She answerd and sounded so happy I feelt like a terrible person for ruin that. But she all reday knew it was me so I coulden't
just hang up.
I asked her was she was doing, then she said" I'm on out on a walk with Nico, but honey what's wrong are you crying?" I told her what had happend and that he just had left with out a word.
Then she said " I will be there in 20 minuts" I just stoped her and said " No madde I will be fine, I don't wnat to interrupt your walk with Nico, and I think I need to be alone for an alittle while, so come by later" Then Madde said " You are not interrupting anything, are you sure that you don't wnat me to come? Because Nico can take care of himself. " I told her that I was sure. Which was a lie, I wanted her to come but since Nico is leaving on Monday I know she wants to speand every minut with him and I'm not going to be standing in the way with that just because I screwed up again!

I cryed for a while, I don't understand what's wrong with me I haven't cryed this mush my whole life! I hate it!!
But then I desided I had to do something so I would stop crying so I called my sister Jessica and asked her to come and visit me so I could see what she was wearing on the graduation and the party. She heisted and said " You will just get angry and hate it and think I'm to young!" I said " Yeah probably, but I still want to see who my little sister is going to look at her last day at school, and espically since I'm not going to be there, so plz? " She got quitet and thought about it for a while and then she finally said okay.

When she arrived she came and gave me a hug and she had brought alone like three bags. She satt down next to my bed and asked " How are you feeling?" I signed and said " Like hell, but let' don't talk about that" I could see that she got worried and asked " Are you feeling sick? Are you having alot of pain? I think I will go and get a docter!" I just stopped her and told her that a docetr woulden't help with this kind of problem. Then she asked what was wrong then, I just told her nothing.

Then she said " Did you and Jensen had a fight?" I just looked away without out throw the window without saying anything. Then she asked what we had fight about and I told her that wasen't importent right now.
Then Jessica said" Tove I know I'm still your littel sister and that you are 6 years older then me, but I'm not 10 anymore so you can tell me things like friends even though we are sisters, so plz tell me what happend that would really mean alot to me that you trust me."
I looked at her and asked " Do you know why me and Jensen broke up?" She just shaked her head. I said " Well.. that's was because I cheated with Kian" I could see she looked suprised and disappointed. But she wanted to so now she can learn what teribble sister she has.
I continued and said " Last summer when all of us was in the cottage.. I cheated again with James.. and that's why we are fighting now or whatever we are doing.. Well now you know what a terrible sister you have, I should just shoot myself in the head and die"
She just said " Oh" After a while she said " plz Tove don't shoot yourself. Everything will be all right between you and Jensen right? I like Jensen, he's an amzing guy! Do you love him?"
I told her that I want shoot myself, and that I diden't know what would happend between us, and that I love him with all my heart. Then she asked me why I did it, I said " I don't know, I really don't know, I wish I did.. Oh God I shoulden't tell you this, I'm like the worse role model ever for you! I'm sorry!" Then she huged me and said " No your not, now I can learn from your mistakes instead of doing it myself, and thanks for telling me it means alot!"
Then she let go and smiled.

Then I asked her " How is it going with the boy for you then better then me I hope.. I think? " She smiled and said " Not good, it's going better for you then for me, because you have a guy who love you that's something anyway" I just answerd her " yeah well I don't think he loves me anymore, so I think it's going better for you" She lauhgt alittle. Then I ad to ask " Have you ever had sex?" She just looked at me embarrest and angry and said " Tove, do we really need to have this converstion?!" I
just said yes. She looked at me angry and said " No I haven't!"
I just smiled and said " Good! And don't ever have sex, because if you never starts then you don't have to stop either, and then you will be in so mush less trouble, trust me evreybody should become a nun!" She just looked at me as i was crazy!
Then I said " But if you have to have sex then use protection, ALOT of it!! " Then she said " Oh God Tove shut up!! " I just told her " I just wanted you to be safe, and you know that you can always talk to me about this things, and I wnat you too, can we just plz try to be honest to each other from now?" She gave me another hug and said " I know I can, and ofcpurse we can, I would love that. And I hav eto say that I appreciate to talk to you even though we are talking about my sexlife that I don't have. Mum tried to talk to me about this for a few weeks ago and it was just embarassing!" I laught and let go of her and said " I have to better to talk to then mum, otherwise it's embarrasing" Then she laughat and said " yes so mush better, I love you!" I smiled and said " I love you too! Let me see what you and Madde did find yesterday"

Then smiled and put on her dress and shoes she would wear on the day.
It was a white dress and white shoes. It was a halterneck dress, kind of short and it was really low-necked, which I diden't like at my little sister! She smiled and I said " Well the dress is gorgeous and tottaly sexy! But you inside of it, I dosen't like that! When you get home you can walk into my room and into my closet and borrow a white big cardigan who you will buttens in the front, then it will look so much better" She smiled and said " Tove, come on, plz!" I just told her to put on the other dress, which more looked like a party dress which it was. She asked what I thought about it and I said " Well I kind of have the same opinon about this on that it i sto undressed for you, sorry we just said that we should be honest to each other" Then she said " Fine. But do you remebre the dress you where wearing at your gradution?
Well it was much more low cut then this one, I think you almost evn could see your boobs sometimes, so you have nothing to say about this" I said " Yeah right that one, I just wear that because Lukas was there, but to be honest I don't really remebere that much about that day" Then she laught and I said " And when we have allredy talk serious today then I can as well go on a little more. I just ahve to say take it easy with the alcohol! Since you you aren't so use to alcohol, you don't want to be drunk after the champagne breakfast and the evening to take it easy, otherwise you will just get sick!" She just said yeah yeah.
Then I said " you diden't ahve a best friend who teach you to drink befor eyou even
know what alchole was, so just take it easy. And you know that you can call me if something happends, and you can call Madde too, or Jensen or who every you like even mum, remebre that, don't be afrid of calling, okay?" She said " okay I will, thanks! but what do you think about the dresses?"
I smiled and said " You looked absolutely amzing! The guys will chase after you. It's crazy my little sister are growing up and becoming a woman, a beautiful woman! " She came and gave me another hug then I said " Hey! Girl where did you get those boobs from and when?! I don't even have those, I'm kind of jealous!" Then we both laught.
Then she said "I really wish that you would be there with m eon that day!"
I smiled and said " Me too!"

I can tell you that me and Madde can't write anything on Tuseday and wendsday, because on Tuseday Madde is going to be at Jessicas gradution and on Tuseday and wendsday I have to do a bunch of tests. Just so you know.

Well when Jessica went home I tryed to call Jensen but he diden't answer.
But I do understand that he dosen't wnat to talk to me. I think he needs time. He's probaly hate me! But he has all right too so, he had just gotten over Kian and now all this. I was the worse girlfrind in the world and now I'm just the worse ex in the world instead!!
And Madde is going to kill me for hurting him again.. Well that's something I just have to live with..

Krisen came by today too, with out Johan.
She gave me a hug and asked how I was feeling, I told her that I was fine.
Then I asked " where are you secret boyfriend? " She just looked down and then she sat down next to me, and said " sorry honey, I should of told you about me and Johan" I diden't say anything then she said " yes we are a couple and he's moving in with us. Can you just tell me why you don't like him?" I just said " I have no comments about that!"
Then she chanced subjet and asked " I thought Jensen would be here, where is he? "
I just said " Well I odn't know but he's not here anyway.. "
She diden't aske what had happend which I thought was good, but she took my right hand and looked at the right and asked " Is it from Jensen?" I diden't answer but she took that as a yes.Then she asked if I was okay, I jsut said maybe, she gave me hug and said she unfortuntly needed to go to work now.

Then Henrik came in to my room and evreything is still kind of werid between us!
But that's just how it is. I asked him if I could sleep at home from Monday to thusday, because I thought I needed that, because I can't sleep here. If I went home on Monday morning and I would be back for all the tests at thusday morning. He heisted and said that I had to sign alot of paper because he diden't agree with this at all but he coulden't deside what I would do.
I told him that I wanted to go home and sleep. That wasen't really the reason why I went home, the reason was that I wanted to try to talk to Jensen. I promised Henrik that I woulden't walk ir do anything more then I would do here, so I had to bring a wheelchair and everything.
But I'm going home on monday anyway and than I just have to hope for the best.

Madde came by ofcourse without nico.
When she walked inside the door I could see that she was angry with me and she started to yell at me about that I hurt Jensen, but then I just feel my tears start roll down my cheeks. then she just stopped yelling and looked and me and then she ran to me and huged me hard.
I let her hug me for a short while then I told her to stop because I diden't want to cry, she tried to hug me agian but I just said no.
We talked a little and I miss to have her here all the time. She asked me if I wanted her to talk to Jensen. I said " No plz don't do that, he needs time. And this is my problem and my fauilt, so this time Madde plz listen to me and don't talk to him. " She told me that he promised. She diden't yell at me no more, but I think it's coming tomorrow or some otherday, because she said that she was going to kill me if I hurt him again. She went home after a few hours but she said that she would be back tonight.

Like 1 minut after Maded left Linus walked throw the door. He came and gave me a hug a pretty long one. I asked if he had meet Madde, but he just said no. I told him that was weird since she had just left. I don't know if he was telling the truth, maybe he had just ignore her and just pretended likr he haden't seen her at all.
I asked how he was doing with he's mum, he just said " The same"
Then I asked "are you still doing drugs? Or are just drinking, because you smell alchol"
He just looked down and diden't answer so I took that as a yes.
I said " Linus you have to stop, you can't do this, you will get killed!"
He just said " what the fuck dose you care?! You don't even love me all you do care about YOUR boyfreind!!"
I got so angry at him for saying that so I yelled at him" What the fuck are you saying!! Ofcourse I care! But mayeb I should stop caring!! all you do is leting me down, and Madde down and every other person who cares about you!! So no maybre I don't love you anymore!!
You should just leave and never came back again!! I never want to see you agaian, and maybe you should just take an overdose and die, that's for the best for everyone!!! "
He stood up and looked really angry and disappointed. Then he walked towards the door eith out saying anything. I just realize what I had said and just before he walked outside the doteh door closet I shouted after him " I'm sorry, linus, I diden't mean that I'm just having a terrible day! I'm sorry!" I hope he heard me.. and that he dosen't do anything stupied...

Tobbe came by this afternoon too, it was nice to talk to him. I told him about Jensen and Linus and evreything else, like Henrik. He always have something good to tell me.
I told me that he thought everything would be fine.
I really hope so.. It's not evreyday that I have hurt to people..

When Madde came by to night I told her that I was coming home on monday, she got really happy and huged me. And then I promised her I would sleep in her bed that night since Nico just have left that day. Because she probable needed to talk.
I hope she will be fine when he leaves and don't just die..

Well that was everything for me.
You will hear from Madde tomorrow.
See ya.
Kisses
From Tove