Was that a bad idea...it must have been, I feel guilty

Hey all of you readers out there.

Today has been pretty calm I must say, or I have been listening to Jessica complaining about a horrible hang over all day today but I know why she has it so i'm not sorry for her.

First I'd like to talk alittle about the fact that Tove told Sara and Zara to stay in China and let Nicky go by himself. First I thought it was because of what she worte in her inlay, she is a better lier on paper then face to face. anyway that was what I first thought and I must say I was pretty happy that she convinced them to stay becuase then i get to spend all my time with Nico and he can just take care of me during the time Tove's in the O.R. So I told Tove that and then she said that she acctually did it for me... I have to say, thank you honey but at the same time you are driving me crazy!! It's like, the first time I told her about my feelings for Nicky she just siad "You are crazy, you can't love him, he has Zara and you have known him all your life! I think you should stay away from him and blablabla..." and now she is doing this for me? Sometimes I just don't understand what is going on in the head of hers. Not that I'm not greatful because I am, it's just wierd.

Well I called Nico and aksed what he thought about it, about the fact that Zara wouldn't go with him that is. And he too gave me a surprise, he siad "I think it's good because then I don't have to consentrate on her, I can just focus on you and be there for you now when you need me." If he had been here when he said that I would have just hugged him hard and given him a kiss. But now he wasn't here so I just had to due with a huge thank you and a "I love you". Then we talked about how I was feeling and things like that and I told him about my talk with Linus' shrink. He just said that it was good that i talked to someone and that he had been so nicebut there was an undertone in the things he said so i asked if he was okay and he said "Yeah I'm fine, I just... eh, it's nothing." I think i know why he reacted like he did and what he wanted to say but I understand that he didn't. Then I felt such an urge to say something and said "I'm sorry nicky." and he had no idea why i said it and asked with a very conserned and worried voice "For what honey? What has happened?" I told him to calm down and said "I'm sorry because I haven't believed in you and I haven't had faith in you. I can't believe I've ever doubted you in any way but I have and i hate that. So I'm so sorry Nicky." He let out a reliefed laughter and said "Oh honey, don't worry about it. God, you gave me a fright when you said that. But you believe in me now because I want you to know I will always be there for you." I smiled to myslef and felt my eyes fill up with tears and siad "Yeah nico, I do believe in you now and I will never doubt you again. I'm sorry i gave you a scare, it wasn't my intention.". After that we talked about everything and nothing and everything was great again.

So what has happened today?? Well as you can guess i have been spending all my day at the hospital but not just to visit Tove...

Well my first thought with going to the hospital was of course to vivist Tove and Jared and Jensen came with me. Since Linus has gone home there was an empty bed in Toves room so Jared and I crawled down there and feel asleep while Jensen and Tove fell alseep in her bed. After a few hours we woke up because the door opened and in walkes none other then Dr. Dimitri!!! I thought I was going to die and then I remembered what day it was today, the day when i was suppose to ahve my check up. So he says hello to everybody and then he starts to stare at me and I could feel chills running down my spine, he is so creepy! The he asked Jared to get up and me to sit up, thankfully jared didn't leave my side, he was there all the time holding my hand so that Demitri wouldn't try anything. He asked me to take my shirt off so i did and I had a black lace bra on me and when he saw me he just couldn't take his eyes off my boobs!! I just wanted to hit him in the face but i didn't because when i finally made up my mind that i would hit him he stopped looking and started doing his job. He felt and stroke and listened to my lugns and stuff like that and when i finally could take my shirt on again he said "So madde, you seemed to have healed up pretty good, But i wouldn't mind if you wanted to come back in a week or so for another check up." I just didn't know what to say, I really really didn't want to come back and feel his hands all over me so i said "I don't think that is necessary." He just siad okay and then left. Tove, jensen and Jared just startet to laugh and when i asked them what about Jensen said "You should have seen your face when he said that he wanted you to come back!". I picked up a pillow and threw it on him because I hate when people make fun of me! Then they just started to laugh even harder and I just couldn't take it anymore so I left the room.

What would you do if you were wandering around in a hospital with nowhere to go? Yeah that's right, you would go to someone you knew.. So that is what i did, I went to Dr Christoffer Magnusson. When i got there I knocked on the door and then a man in a pair of black pants and a open shirt opened the door. I didn't know what to say or do, I just stood there staring at his amazing abs and then he said "Hi Madde, it's good to see you again, plz come in." So that is what i did, I walked in and closed the door behind me. I thought he was going to sit down behind his desk but he didn't, he sat down on a chair on the otherside of the desk and pionted for me to sit down on the chair opposit him. I did so and he started to button his shit, I just wanted to stop him and rip it off but i couldn't do that now could i? I followed his hands with my eyes and did my best to restrain myslef so i desided to stop staring at his abs and look in his face insted and that was when i met a pair of really intence green eyes. He smiled softly at me and I just couldn't keep myself from leaning in and inviting him to kiss me. He stoped what he was doing and let go of his shirt with one hand and put it behind my neck to pull me in closer and when our lips met i could feel all the eager and longing boil up and I got up from my seat and sat astride on his lap and continued to kiss him. His hands started to find their way under my shirt and eventually they found the bra clasp and opened it. I started to unbotton his shirt again and then he lifted me up and sat me down on his desk and shoved a bunch of papers off it. But then all of the sudden he just stopped kissing me and left me sitting on the desk alone. I had no idea what he was doing but then he walked over to the door and locked it and put on the busy sign. Then he turned to me again and smiled a really naughty smile and walked back to me. I ran my fingers through his hair while he was unbottoning my black shirt and then i couldn't wait any longer so i started to undo his pants and he started to do the same to my jeans. I didn't want him to have his shirt on anymore so i pulled down the open shirt from his shoulders and it fell down on the floor together with my shirt and bra. I kissed his neck and gently stroke his back with my fingertips, when he finally got my pants off he kicked of his own and pulled down his boxers and......... Sorry but i can't tell you anything more but I suppose you know what happened next ;)

When we were done and had put our clothes back on he gave me a kiss and said "I'd like to see you outside of work sometime too, if you don't mind." I just smiled and said "We'll just have to see about that won't we but I don't think I would mind" then i gave him another kiss and walked out the door. I gave Jared a call when I got out from the hospital to ask whee he was and he said that he was home becuase it was soon dinner and Jensen and he had cooked. I aksed if he could send someone over to pick me up and he said he could so a few minutes later Tim came and I got in the car. We didn't say so much on our way back because I had a few things on my mind... I don't think it was a good idea to have sex with Christoffer, one because he is Linus' shrink and second because... I don't even know. All I know it that I feel guilty as hell and I have never felt guilty about sleeping with a guy before. God i hate this! I just want the old me back, I want to be able to just have fun and have sex with guys and never see them again after that but now i can't do that. I feel so fucking guilty and stupid... and I don't even know why. Help me someone!!

After dinner i sat up in my room waiting for a sertain someone to call but he didn't, insted Jess knocked on my door and walked in. I asked her how she was feeling and she siad that the headache was almost gone and that she didn't feel so nauseous anymore. But it wasn't that i wondered so i said "I didn't mean it like that, i ment after what happened at the hospital last night." She just looked at me and then I saw the tears weld up n her eyes and then she threw herself around my neck and said between the sobs "I didn't mean any of it!!! And now she doesn't care! What am i going to do?!" I just told her to tell her sister that and not me. She stopped crying and looked at me and siad "Yeah you're right, i have to talk to tove." then she ran out of my room and slamed the door shut behind her. iI just sat there and felt really stupid because I had no idea what she was going to do, run to the hospital? but then i figured that she might give Tove a call ebcause I don't think she is brave enough to go and see her and ask for forgivness face to face.

I got a call from a very dear and hot friend of mine and Toves today... his name is Shane West and we haven't seen him since last summer. I got really surprised when he called and we talked for like an hour then he asked me if we were going to the cottage this summer too and I just siad "ofcourse we are, it's a tradition." then he said "oh that's great...." and then he got all quite but I knew what he wanted so I asked him if he wanted to join us and he said "Of course I want to!! I ahev waited for this all year and now it's summer again and I can spend time with my friends at the best place in the world!" I couldn't help but smile and tell him that i felt the same and then we got talking about our lives and realtionships and stuff like that. He got really surprised that me, jared and johnny had borken up but then hegot a really kinky voice and said it might be for the best. I just laught and siad "yeah it might". We talked for another hour and then i ahd to hang up because i finally ot the call I was waiting on. I think you can guess who it was... yeah nicky.

Well... I don't really know what else to tell you, i think I'm going to go to bed and think about what i have done today and why I feel so guilty...

Tove'll right tomorrow.
Take care
Love
Madde