Pretty hot day!

Hello!

Well in two days Mrs. and Mr. Ackles is arriving her in stockholm. Okay I know I can't call them that but still they are here on sunday!! I can't belive I always get nervous to met my boyfreinds parents even though I have meet them before and I know they likes me.

I think I'm nervious about embarrassing myself, which I'm kind of good at, just hope for the best. Jensen just think I'm ridiculous about all this but i don't care i just let him think that.

This morning I couldn't cuddle with Jensen in bed like we always do, because he had to go and do some tests since he's going home on monday if everything looks fine.

Since I couldn't sleep I called after Henrik to get some companie. And he gladly came and talk to me. He asked me how I was feeling and I told him that it was geting worse for everyday. He asked if I still didn't want to go in a come for a week, but I said no. I told him that my back was starting to hurt like hell but that was just probaly muscel pain. He walked out and after a short while he came back with a tube of voltaren and said " just because we can't give you something for the pain on teh inside dosn't mean we can do it on the outside. " I laught and he asked if I wanted him to smear my back in and since I couldn't do it myself I said yes.

I took of my shirt and he unhooked my bra so he could get everywhere. I think he heisted a while before he put he's hands on my skin he touched me really gently but he didn't do it like he was just my doctar. It felt kind of like friend who wanted more and it felt weried since he havn't touched me almost since we where dating. While he was doing it he todl me that he's mum have been bothering him about that he never visit and so on and it was because he didn't want to met he's father. Then he asked if I could follow him when I got out of here to be a support when he tell he's mum about he's dad. I just said " Of course!" Since they are living in Malmö then ofcousre we have to stay in a hotel, he asked the qustion he didn't want to ask and that was what Jensen would think about that. I said " It's not like we are sleeping in the same bed, and don't worry I will talk to him, but it is okay if tell him about your father so he might undersatnd better?" He said " No ofcours not. yeah tell him as long as you are coming with me. " He was still smearing me in when the door opend and there was Jensen. He looked pissed off at Henrik, who todl me that he was done and left the room quit. I could see that he was really trying to trust me and not say anything but he couldn't he asked me what the fuck was going on. I told him about my back and that he had just helped me and that he should trust me. He sat down on my bed witout a word, I tryed to kiss him but he just turned away he's head. I put my fingers on he's cheek and let them touced he's cheek bones down to he's chin but he just looked away.I took both of my hands on he's head an turned it so I could look him into the eyes, he looked sad and worried. I looked him in teh eyes and said " Jensen you know I love you and I do understand that it must ne hard to trust me but you have to if this is going to work out. Henrik is my doctor so I have to see him and he's also my friend and I'm going to be there for him even if you don't like it. But you should know that I will never do anything with him again, we are just friends, I promis. You are then one I love and want to spend the rest of my life with not Henrik or someone else. Just you!" I let go of my hands and then he kissed me and he said " Do you promis? " I smiled and said " Yes I promis"

I know he still dosn't trsut me but I can't blame him. But I hope it will pass soon. I know that madde dosn't trust me and Henrik either. I don't know why but she dosn't.

Well as Madde told you that she wants me to be in a coma for a week to rest and the rest of the family has the same oppintion as her. Now I can tell why I don't want to do it. Yes well Madde was right about that I don't want to be away from the people I love, it feel like I'm all redy away from everyone bto much. Because I was first kidnapped then I have been laying her in a bed for weeks and that isn't exactlly the same thing as beeing at home, so ofcourse not I don't want to be away for another week. And besided that it always risk with everything, so the worse scenario would be that I maybe never wake up again, so like I rather have pain then be dead and with all this fucking pain then I know I'm alive. And sleep and eat I can do later. It's not like I have anorexia or something. People are worring so much about me maybe to much.

I'm in a better mood today then I was the last time I was blogging but I can't say I'm all happy and good. But I'm not as bitchy I think anyway, but Madde is still kind of annoyied about my attitude, but I'm doing the best I can. But i'm starting to get worried since Jensen is leaving on monday so then I'm all alone again. I hate that it's so boring and since i still can't sleep then I can't talk to Jensen all night or just look at he's goreuse face all night long on monday it's just a white wall to look at. Jensen is one of the best things that have ever happend to me, he makes me happy. I wish I could find a stronger words to say to him then just to say I love him, I love him to much to even express how speciel he is for me.I love you isn't enough to show how much he means to me. Is it only me who wish that it was a stronger word to show that.

Well anyway it's my birtday on wensday, is going to be an intresting birtdays since I will be laying in my hospital bed. I'm geting old, on thursday I'm closer to thirty then twenty, that's kind of scary. But I don't think it's as horrible as Madde dose, but it still scary. I told Jensen about that I'm closer to thirty then twenty he said " When you are thirty I'm almost forty that's scary! " I lauhgt and said " Yes it is I always forgett that you are so old" He said " Shut up about that can't we just prentend I'm twenty or something" I laught and said " You know I don't really like younger guys, I like they to experienced and be full grown and have wisedome in he's eyes " Jensen laught and said " What do you mean with experience and what part should be fully growen?" I reast my eyebrow and smiled and took a hard grip in he's shirt and pulled him closer and said " Well with experience I mean I want a man who knows how to treat a woman ane where and with fully growen I can say it like this when a girl say size dosn't matter then she is lieing, big time. " Jensen laught and looked in to my eyes and said " So how do you treat a woman right? And well no one have ever told me that lie before, so that must mean something right?" I looked back in he's eyes and said " Well a man should learn when to be gental and when to play rough, and a man should know how to treat a woman in the right way and hit the right spots so a woman can feel special and sexy and can have a lot pleasure togehter with her man. And since you havn't heard that lie then it can just mean one thing and that is that you are all grown up and that you have big packetage and with a big hard bow which always is a nice suprise and which is really hard to make soft again, and I would love to open up that big package to of yours with my own hands and maybe with the help of my mouth but that depands if it's hard to get up"

Jensen looked me into my eyes and kissed my neck with he's soft lips I turned around and then he kissed me on the lips instead and put he's hands on my back it hurted like hell but it was worse it. I put my hands under he's shirt and strok he's cheast and then he's back, I keeped a hand on he's stomach while the other one slowly made it's was down into he's pants, and I know he liked if because he started to kiss me with more eager then before which I liked so I put my hand under he's boxers and touched he's ass and my hand walk to he's front side again, and I could feel with my hand that he really enjoyed it and then I mean really enjoyed it. I let my hand stay down there while he's hand was unkooking my bra and then he's took it off and then he's hand slied to my boobs, he took of my shirt too and started to kiss me on my chest and then he's lips slowly lead down on my boob while I kissed he's neck, then I whisper to Jensen " You know we are not suppose to do this not me anyway" He stoped kissing my breast and said " I knwo but we don't have to have sex we can just have alittle fun, right?" I contine kissing he's neck and he took that as yes. I pulled up my hand from he's boxers and tounched he's stomach , but he took his hand on mine and lead my hand back into he's boxers so I would continue what I was doing, he unbuttom my shortes with he's hand and and slowly made he's way under my panties with he's hand, it felt amazing! He pulled down my shorts and I took of he's shirt, he kissed me from the neck down to my panties and he started to slowly pull them down while he was kissing me lower and lower down while he pulled them down.

But then Jensen phone called, and he said " I call back later" then he continued kissing me but the phone started to ring again so he told me would anwer fast, so he did and it was he's mother so then it never goes fast. I think she asked why he didn't asnwer the first time and Jensen said it was because a nurse had been an examine him and the said " No I havn't been working out, I just breating fast because I have just ran up for a few stairs." I smiled at him and put my hand on he's cheast and lead it slwoly down into he's boxers again. He looked at me like he wanted me to stop, he started to breathe faster again, he pulled my hand up from he's pants but I just put it back in there again, I think he's mum asked what was wrong, Because Jensen told her that he was fine he just had a condition because he had been laying still all week. Then he told her ofcourse the offer still tsnds by that you are staying with the Alexandersson. I smiled and looked at me like I really should stop with that I was doing, then he said " Mum I really have to go now because a doctor came in, but talk to you later, bye" Then eh hang up I don't think she even had the chance to say good bye.

Then he looked at me and said " Was that nessasary?" I smiled and said " running in stairs?" then he said " So what do you want me to say? Mum my girlfriend is having her hand inside of my pants and she is naked, you wnat me to say that?" I laught and said " Why not?" He kissed and said " So where was we?" He continue taking of my paintes and kissing me, when he took them off he started to kiss my lips again and I took of he's pants and put my hand under he's boxers again. He stoped kissing me for a shourt while and said " Tove you have to stop doing that otherwise I will come soon" I smiled and said " So?" Then I kissed him and took of he's boxers. He kissed my neck and had he's hand on my boobs.

Then the door open up and in came Jared and Madde, Jared just yelled " OMG!!" And they ran out of there. Me jensen just stoped and just a layied ther for a few seconds then we started to get dressed.

Madde and Jared knocked on the door after a 15 minuts and asked if we was dressed and we said yes so they came in. Madde said to me " Can I give you a hug or do you have something from Jensen all over you?" I said " No you can hug me" So she did then she walked over to Jensen and gave him a hug and said to him" I have to say you look kind sexy without your clothes" Then Jensen said " How much did you see?" Madde said " Don't worry about that" Then Jared said " It looked like you two was having a great time, Toves face showed that anyway. " I just told him to shut up.

Then a person I don't want to meat knocked on the door and walked in. But the positive thing was that my and Jensen litle sex thing got no more attention then anyway because they will probaly bring it again. Well teh person who walked throw teh door was Eddie!! He looked at me and then at Madde. He shaked hand with Jared and Jensen and he tryed to give me a hug but I just said " Never going to happend!! What the hell are you doing here?!!" He said " I'm here to visit you, I'm worried" I said angry" Or are you just here to hit on Madde again?!" He said " no ofcourse not, I know that was wrong I'm sorry, I love you Tove ofcourse I'm worried " I just shacked my head and said " You love me?! Yeah right! I hate you anyway!! I don't care if you are alive or dead ýou are not my father!! I think you should leave!" Eddie nwalked towards the door but befor ehe left he said " Yes I loveyou and I don't care if you don't love me, and I'm not leaving town yet!" Then he walked out, then Jensen said angry" Tove he is..." I intteruppted him and said angry" If you want me to be angry with you two then you sat that you are about to say but if you want to be on my side and support me then you just keep quit!" He took my hand and didn't say anything, good for him!

About madde and Nico and the kids and all that. I don't know how it will get fixed, Madde told me that she can't live without Nico and so on. And she is saying that I sai dthat it would be better if she didn't see Nico at all, I have no memery at all that I have said that, if I did that was so not what I meant, I just ment that she should stop sleeping with him at night but she can still see him in the days. But on her it sounds like he's dying or soemthing. And I have to say she is kind of acting like a baby right now just because she can't realize that this is hard for the kids to understand. Bad she just thinks about herself and this isn't all about her and how she feels. And ofcourse I understand that she hates this, I do but still her life isen't pointless just because of this. To be honest it makes me hurt because it feel like I don't mean anything for her, I feel like she is taken me for granted and when I told her than she said I'm talking her for granted. Which I really don't, the thing is that she is shuting me out more and more from her life and take Nico instead. And she thinks I would choose Jensen before her if I had to make a choose, but Madde I wouldn't be so sure about that, I don't know what I would do in a situation of I had to choose but I'm not so sure I would choose Jensen over you, I can't even belive you think that Jensen would be my obvious choose. I feel left out even since she fall inlove for nico, I always come in second hand, mayeb I'm wrong I don't know but this is hwo I feel. She also say she need me to get throw all thsi with Nico now, but I have to say maybe she should of thought about that before she locked me out of her life and every minute was about Nico,and who much she love him and she really tells him everything while I she just tell me a part from what she has told him. It kind of feels like I have lost my best friend, we are still freinds but not best friends since her best friend is Nico. And now when she is having a hard time she just think I will come back to her after everything. I remebere when I was kidnapped she was sleeping with Nico and I told her when I got home she had to sleep at home so we could talk and hang out, and then she said " Yeah sure but just for a few nights" That hurted a lot, I was kindnapped and still she just wanted to be with Nico, now I ended up here so that didn't get a problem but it still hurted like hell.

It's not that i don't love her because I do, but it's still so fucking hard after eveyrhing we have going throw. It makes me so sad that everything ended up like this just over a guy. Just because I love Jensen more then I can decribe dosn't mean that I don't have time and space in my heart for Madde and everyone else. I don't know what will happend but it have to fix itself in someway..

Well I know that Emma, Kim and David had talked to Nico about how they feel and all that and nico tried to talk to them but they said that wasn't enough they wanted him to stop spending teh night with Madde and seeing her more then he is with Zara, that's all I know for no about what Nico have done. But they had talk to Zara too, so she called me today since she know I had been talking to Emma. She asked how teh kids was really doing since they had a hard tiem talking about this in teh phone. I told her that it wasn't that good, they where really worried and scared.

She sounded kind of worried to but I don't blame her it's her kids who is most importent in the whole world. I aksed how they would fix this, she said " Well I don't know, but it's only one thing he can do and that i stop sleeping with her and spending every minute with her. I know nico hate that though but he has no choose for the kids, okay I'm not that happy about that he is sleeping with her either but he can't do this to our kids. Me and Sara is acutally coming home in lease then a week so me and Nico can talk to the kids and say that evreything is okay, but that dosn't mean that he can countine as he have been doing. We are staying for a week or so and then Nicky and the kids are following us back so we can spead time togheter, since the worse work is done. I have more time now for the family. I undertsand that Madde hate this and probaly hates me even more but I have no other choose" I tol dher that I understood that she had to do this and that Madde had no right to be angry with her even though she probaly was and then she had to go at some meeting.So we hang up. I just hope everyone will be fine after all this..



Well I have to go now, Madde will write tomorrow :)
Kisses
Tove