Away...

Hey from Sligo.

Well, second day in Sligo and there hasn't happened so much. Shane has done his best to try and cheer me up but it hasn't been easy for him, I must say i almost feel sorry for him that he is trying so hard but that he doesn't get much of a responce out of me. But it's been a diffecult day today mostly because I miss the people I love so much.

I must say that i miss home like crazy although being back on Ireland is so amazing. I love the scenery and the people and the food here so I'm not really that bad. And I have good friends here that loves me and is there for me. Shane and Gillian has been so great and even the kids has been really sweet. Nicole is so thrilled that I'm here and I must say that she is a real darling. But altough all this is great I still can't sleep and I carry the phone with me everywhere I go just incase Kian or Nicky or someone else will call and tell me that I have to go home because something has happened. I miss everyone, especially Nicky and Tove and I feel so horrible for leaving Nicky in the state he is now. God, I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss him, he is like the only thing I can think about right now. I miss his eyes, his words, his touch, his lips... oh his amazing lips.... sorry, went dreaming away again.... God I want to go home!!!!

Well anyway when I got up form my very comfy bed this morning and walked into the kitchen Gillian was standing making breakfast for everyone while Nicole and Patrick sat by the table waiting. Gillian greeted me with a cheerful "good morning!" and Nicole came running over and gave me a hug and then she went back to the table. Gillian asked me what I wanted for breakfast but I just said that I would take a cup of coffee. She said "Oh, okay. Well can you go and wake Shane up? just so you know, he is like impossible to wake up.". I just said I would do that and then I walked up the stairs and knocked on their bedroom door but I didn't get an answer so I carefully opened the door and peeked in. Shane was lying in bed with the cover just above his waist and he had one hand on his stomach and the other arm was outstretched over the bed. I smiled and walked in and sat down on the side that must be Gillians side. He didn't wake up, no sound and no movement, he looked so peaceful and calm, I wish I could sleep like him. He can fall asleep everywhere and at any time, it must be great. Well anyway I shook him alittle and he let out a drowsy murmur but then he just turned around and continued to sleep. I shook him again and said "Shane Steven Filan, if you don't get up right now I will get a bucket of water and throw it over you.". He turned around to me and mumbled "You wouldn't dare.". I smiled and leaned closer to him and wispered into his ear "Wait and see", he opened his eyes slowly and said "Fine, just five more minutes.". I shook my head and said "no, now Shane." then he just let out a complaining sound and pulled the cover over his head. I got up and walked to the other side of the bed and said "I really hope you got something on but I don't really care." and then I took a steady grip of the cover and pulled it off. He was actually wearing underwear which was good but when he didn't move even thought I had just pulled off the cover I took a hold of his arm and started to pull in that. He made another complaining sound but I kept pulling and after a while he fell to the floor. It made a really load bump when he landed and we heard Gillian yell from downstairs "What on earth is going on up there?!" I just yelled back "I pulled Shane off the bed because he won't get out himself." then I just heard a laughing sound from Gillian. Then I turned to Shane and said "Go and get ready, I go downstairs." then I helped him up and I walked downstairs while he walked into the bathroom.

When he finally came downstairs and into the kitchen he gave Gillian a soft kiss and the he kissed her belly. he is so fucking cute and such a good father and man. Someday I wish I could have that too.... okay snap back to reality... After breakfast Shane asked me what I wanted to do but I just said "I don't know... Don't really feel like anything." Shane shook his head and said "Well then I choose. We can go for a walk or go bowling or shopping or horseback riding.". After the last suggestion I just looked at him like he was stupid and then I said "Ehm, I don't ride horses... Not so fond of that.". He started to laugh and then Nicole came over and asked "Why don't you ride horses?" and I said "Well, I don't ride horses I ride..." and then Shane interrupted and said "Madde! Nicole can you please go outside and play?". Nicole gave her daddy a hug and then she ran off and Shane turned to me and said "I can't believe you were just going to say that you ride men!". I just started to laugh and said "But it's the truth, I don't ride horses I ride men.". Shane just shook his head and got up and held out his hand to me, I took it and he pulled me to my feet. Then he called out to Gillian that we were going for a walk and then we left.

When we had walked for a few minutes he asked "Are you okay?". I sighed and said "Not really, I miss home..." then he just gave me a disbelieveing look and I said "Fine! I miss Nicky. But I miss home too and Tove.". He took my hand and squeezed it and said "I know, but I bet that he misses you too. Have you talked to him?" I shook my head and said "I suppose but last time I talked to him was yesterday. Oh Shane this week is going to kill me!". Shane stopped and gave me a hug and then he said "Hey, I'm here for you and I will try and make this week go by in a heartbeat. But hey when we get back, call him.". I looked up at him and said "You are to fucking sweet for your own good. I will, trust me." Shane smiled and kissed my forehead but then he got serious and said "Are you sure you are doing the right thing? You know, trying to fix Zara and nickys relationship. Don't you want to be with him?". I sighed and said "I have asked myself that thousand of times and I never come up with a good answer... You ahve no idea how badly I want to be with him, to be able to have a nice and happy relationship with him just like the one you and Gillian have. I love him so much.". Once again Shane gave me a hug and he siad "Look I want to see both you and Nicky happy and I'm sorry that you aren't. I know you love him and you have no idea how much he loves you back.". I looked up in his face and said "Am I doing the right thing here Shane? What if they get back together and I will end up regreting everything I've done now, that I didn't take the chance when I had it right under my nose this whole time.". He sighed and said "I'm sorry Madde, I don't know what you should do. Have you talked to Nicky of what he wants?". I shook my head and said "Well, he wants Zara back but he's trying alot with me... I think he wants more then he is geting." then Shane said "Well, I think he do want more then he is getting. And he really loves you but he loves zara too but he is in love with you and that is a strong feeling. He told me that he isn't in love with Zara anymore, just that he loves her. I don't really know what he wants but I think it's you.". I didn't know what to say... I just sighed but then he gave me a look like he wanted me to say something so I said "I want more then this too... I really do and it's so hard to keep away from him in that way, especially when he is looking at me the way he is. But he shouldn't be in love with me, he should be in love with Zara. I really want him too...". Shane said "I can understand that and I kind of noticed. but he is in love with you, Nicky has said for quite a long while now that the feelings between him and Zara hasn't been that stong as they were before, like they aren't in love anymore they just love each other.". I looked at him with a confused look and said "Oh yeah, how? he said that? But how come he proposed to her then?" Shane said "Well, you can hardly keep your hands away from each other. Well, he thought that the feelings would get stronger again if he proposed because then it would be like they got closer again. I don't really know what Nicky wants... he can be a hard man to read.". I said "Well, it isn't so easy to keep my hands off him. But they were even thinking about maybe getting another kid. Yeah he can be very hard to read." he said "I noticed. yeah well, another try to see if they could work their feelings back.". I just sighed and we continued walking in silence.

When we got back to the house Shane had to help Gillian with something so I walked up to my room and sat down on the bed to think. My cellphone was lying on the nightstand and I kept staring at it untill I couldn't resist anymore and picked it up and dialed Nickys number. He picked up after a few tones and siad "Madde?", I just smiled and said "Hi baby. how are you?". He said with a happy tone "Hey darling, I'm okay, just miss you like crazy. what about you?" I siad "That's good, and babe I miss you too. I'm okay too, Shane is trying his best to keep me busy and on other thoughts.". Nicky let out a short laugh and siad "That is so typical Shane but Kian is trying the same with me... it ain't working so well though because I still just think about you.". After those words I got butterflies in my stomach and my cheeks turned into a bright red color. I said "Well, you are all I think about too... Have you been sleeping tonight Nico?" his tone changed and he siad "No not really... I've been thinking... what about you?". I shook my head and said "No me neither... I've also been thinking. ahve you called Zara?". He siad "What were you thinking about? yeah I have but she still doesn't pick up. I thought you said that Tove told zara to pick up.". I shook my head and said "I've been thinking about you... Yeah well she did but I guess you are just going to give her some more time... Nicky, can I ask you something?" he siad "I've been thinking about you too... I suppose but it's not like I can do anything if she won't even talk to me! sure thing babe.". I took a deep breath and asked "What is it that you really want?" I heard him sigh on the other side and he siad "I don't really know. I want you. I want you near me, I want to be able to touch you without thinking about the consequences, I want to be able to show you how much I love you.". When he siad that I just wanted to fly home and see him but I said "I want that too, and I really want to show you how much I love you too... I really really do.". I head a wanting sigh from Nicky and he said "Can't you come home baby?" I tried to get the butterflies out of my stomach but just thinking about what we both want just made then fly even more. I said "I would love too. I truly would! but babe, what about zara?" he sighed and said "I don't know honey... do we have to talk about this?". I gulped and said "No we don't have too." and then he said "You are coming home on Thursday right?". I smiled and said "Yeah, and I can't wait." he siad "Good, I can't wait either.". I asked "So what do you want to do when I come home?". And ofcourse his voice turned really mischievous and kinky and he said "Oh I don't know... maybe hold you tight and show you what you truly mean to me." the butterflies in my stomach turned into huge birds and I said "Nicky Byrne, what are you indicating? You are making me blush.". He laught and said "You never know and I had no idea you could blush.". I said "I only blush because it's you, but I can say that I don't dislike the idea of what you are indicating.". He giggled alittle and said "I can say that I don't dislike the idea either." I said "Honestly it's one of the things I think about all the time... and those sexy lips of yours touching mine, feeling your hands moving over my body. Sorry now I disappeard into that world again.". Then Nicky siad "Okay if we don't stop talking about this now I don't know what to do. I'm flying to Sligo if you say one word more about this..". I laught and said "Well in that case, I want to feel your lips kiss my neck just like you did before I left and I want to see those eyes burn with eager and have you undo my shirt and..." Nicky interrupted and said "Madde stop! Please you are driving me crazy here." I just smiled and said "Sorry about that but I'm driving myself crazy too.". He laught and siad "Not good honey.". Then we continued to talk about some other things to calm ourselfs down.

When we had said goodbye and hanged up I laid down on the bed and just thought about Nicky and all the things I want to do with him. I can tell you that if he or someone else like Jared or dennis or someone was here I would do him immediately. But I would only think about nicky and that isn't fair towards the dude... but maybe I should do like Tove said, go to a pub and find a hot guy, bring him home and sleep with him and then it doesn't really matter if I think about nicky or not. But we'll see. After thinking for a while I walked downstairs and noticed that Gillian was standing in the kitchen making dinner so I asked her if there was anything I could do and she asked me to do the table. Of course Nicole wanted to help out so I let her but then Shane came home and I asked where he had been and he siad he had been in the stable riding a few horses. He siad "You should have comed with, it was great.". I just laught and siad "Yeha maybe so but I had a great time talking with nico as well.". He said "Oh so you've talked to him, how is he?" I said "He is okay... but I think he is a bit too okay at the moment.". Shane looked at me like a questionmark and I said "Well, I can't really go further into our little talk." then Shanes eyes got bigger and he opened the mouth and just looked at me and then he said "Madde?!" then he walked closer to me and wispered "Have you had phone sex with Nicky?" I just laught and siad "Oh Shane I don't do that... just got him maybe alittle worked up.". shane laught and siad "You are one naughty girl." I just smiled at him and then Gillian said that dinner was done so we sat down at the table and ate. After dinner Shane went up and took a shower and I sat down in the livingroom and turned on the tv.

After about a half an hour Shane came back downstairs and all of the Filan family joined my in the sofa. It was really cozy sitting there with them and watch tv. Around 20.00 Gillian went upstairs and put the kids to bed and I thought that I should give Shane and her some private time so I said goodnight and went upstairs to my troom and watched tv there. I thought about giving Tove a call but I didn't know what to tell her but then I desided that I should call so I picked up my cell and dialed Toves number. She sounded really happy when she answered and I asked how she was doing and she said that she was just fine and I said the same but that I missed home and she said she missed me too, all of the family did. then she asked "So... have you talked to Nicky?" I thought for a while and then I said "Yes I have." she siad "okay..." and then she was quiet. Before all this we would never have an awkward silence but now we do and I hate it. Well anyway I asked how the family was and things like that and we talk for about 30 minutes then we said goodbye and hung up. I really do miss everyone at home, but I wonder if anything have changed when I get home... otherwise it just felt really unnecessary to go here even though I love being here. This is a place I could move too , it's so beautiful and the people are so nice and I would just hang around at the local pub all the time :D It's great! :D

Before I end this inlay i have to say Happy birthday to Cam Gigandet who turns 27 today! Happy B-Day!

Well... I think i'm going to wrap this up now and maybe try and sleep... otherwise I just watch a movie or something :)

Take care
Love
Madde