SHIT!

Hey y'all!

I thought today was going to go smooth and painfree but I can't believe how wrong I was. Today must have been the worst day in like ever! But let me tell you all from the begining.

Well this morning when I woke up Niklas had gone somewhere so it was really quiet in the apartment... I'm not really so good with silence so I walked over to the stereo in the kitchen and put on a Westlife album. I put it on real load and sang with it while I was making breakfast. While I was standing there in the kitchen buttering a sandwitch, singing my heart out to My Love someone tapped my shoulder and I screamed out of firght. I quickly turned around and faced Jensen. He started laughing really hard and I couldn't just let him stand there and laugh at me so I hit him on the shoulder but he didn't stop he just laught and started rubbing it. I told him to shut up and that he was a freak for scareing me. He laught and sat down at the kitchen table and waited for me to finish buttering my sandwhich and join him. When I sat down I asked him what he was doing there and he said "I just wanted to check up on you.". I gave him a smile and said "Well, I'm just fine Jensen. Don't worry about me. But how are you doing then?"he said "I'm just fine, why do you ask?". I said "Well, she said no..." he let out a small laugh and said "don't worry about that. Of course I'm a bit sad because she said no but I'm fine and I'm not giving up on marrying her.". I smiled and said "Good, I like the sound of that but I must say that she is stupid who didn't say yes when you did all that for her. But I suppose she is a hard nut to crack." he smiled and said "Yeah I suppose she is.". We atlked for a while longer and laught alot. I asked how things were at home and he said "Well the kids are all over Toves ass, I can't believe that kids can be so fucking rude sometimes! But I suppose they want you to come home real bad and so do Tove and I." I said "Yeah I've heard and I'm so going to kick their little asses! I can't believe they would treat her like that and especially not My and Jerry. I know but that is no excuse to how they are behaving. I miss you guys too.". Jensen said " I know, I want to have a talk with them but Tove won't let me. No it's not but they are to young to understand that.". I shook my head and siad "Tove is to protective of her little siblings. They need to understand that it's not acceptable to behave like this.". He said "yeah i know. But what can we do?"I said "I don't know..." then we changed the subject and started to talk about something else. After about an hour he said that he had to go so we said goodbye and he were off.

When he had left I sat down in the sofa and put on the tv. It was Ellen, I just love Ellen, she is so funny and soooo lovable. Today John Travolta was there and it was really really funny :D I was laughing so hard! I remember the first time I saw Grease, you know the musical that John Travlota was in when he was young. I thought he was like the hottest ever and was like everything I ever wanted. But now he just lookes like a fat old man... It's a shame really. And then you take a look at Johnny who did 21 Jump Street when he was young and he still looks like a million bucks! Why don't hunks continue taking care of themslef and keep looking great, I don't get it. Well anyway I didn't really feel like doing anything today so I just stayed in the sofa all day. Around 3 I heard the door open and yelled "Hi Niklas where have you been?" but I didn't get an answer so I got up and walked towards the doorway into the hall. When I got to the doorway and looked towards the door my blood frooze to ice and I said "Oh, ehm... hi....". Sara and Zara was just standing there looking at me with big eyes and then Zara started to cry and Sara said "What the hell are you doing here!?". Becuase of her fucking attitude I said "I'm staying here. Niklas is my brother and I can be here as much as I like!" Sara walked closer to me and said "Well if you are not out of this place in 5 minutes I'll kick your ass out myself!". I knew that it wasn't a good idea to fight with her becuase she is like me, she has a temper and I don't know which one of us that would win. So I walked pass her and into my room and closed the door and locked it. I heard Sara trying to comfort Zara on the other side and then they walked into the livingroom. I desided to call Niklas and tell him to come home and help me because his angry girlfriend was back home but he didn't answer so I left him a message.

All of the sudden I heard the front door open and I was sure it was Niklas but then I heard Saras voice scream "You! Get the fuck out of here!! you are not welcome here at all!!! Go and hang yourself or I'll kill you, you asswhole!" and I knew atonce who it was. I unlocked the door and looked into Nickys chocked face adn then I looked into the other direction and saw Sara coming out of the kitchen with a knife. I ran out and got infront of Nicky and Sara yelled "Move!! or I'll kill you too I swear to god!". I felt Nicky grab my top from behind and pull me backwards like he tried to drag me out of there but I said "Fine go ahead but I doubt that Niklas will ever forgive you!" she said "I don't care! you hurt my best friend!!". I heard Nickys weak voice behind me say "We never wanted to hurt her!". Then Sara had a serious fit and walked closer to us and yelled "We never want to see you again! Zara has thrown away that ring you gave her! You're done!" I felt Nicky let go of my top and and back away. I turned around and looked at him, tears were pouring down his cheeks and he opened the door and ran out of there. Then Niklas turned up in the doorway just as Sara walked closer to me with the knife. He saw the knife and pulled me out of the way and looked at Sara with a scared look and said "Sara, baby. Please put the knife down." but she didn't. I didn't really care becuase she was the least I was thinking about, I was just thinking about Nicky and I couldn't stand just staying there when he needed me the most. I put a hand on Niklas shoulder and then I ran out the door, down the stairs and out the frontdoor of the building. I didn't have any shoes on and I just wore a big t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. I ran down the street thrying to see Nicky anywere but I didn't. I called out for him and felt the tears fall down my cheeks. I was so worried, I ahd no idea what he would do now. He is so hurt and lonley and I don't know if he is capable of in this state.

I stopped in the middle of the street and looked around me and tried to see him but I didn't. I picked up my cellphone and dialed the number to him and then I heard his phone ring somewhere close to me. I tried to locate where it was coming from and then I ran in that direction. I ran around a corner of a building and stopped. Nicky was sitting on the doorsteps of the building, he had his head in his hands and cried his eyes out. I quickly sat down next to him and put my arms around him adn put my head on his shoulder. He lifted his head up from his hands and turned around to me and put his arms around me too and cried on my shoulder. I don't know how long we sat there but at last he stopped crying, I guess he didn't have anything more to cry. I looked at him and wiped his tears away, I said "I'm so so so sorry Nicky. I should have called you and told you that they were home.". He didn't say anything, he just looked into my eyes and he looked so sad and horrible. I stroke his cheek again and he pressed his face towards it and closed his eyes. I asked "Do you want to go home or somewhere else?" He didn't say anything, he just sat there with his eyes closed and I knew I couldn't just leave him. I stood up and helped him on his feet and walked back to the mainstreet as I called for a cab to pick us up.

The driver asked us where we wanted to go but I had no idea and Nicky still didn't talk. I desided to make a really stupid desicion and told the driver to drive Kungsgatan 27. I knew that Tove would kill me and that our relationship would go to hell but I just couldn't leave Nicky alone. I'm not sure what he is able to do right now but somethings tells me that he is so upset that he might be able to do the very same thing as I did that time. When the cab stopped outside the Alexandersson residence I payed the driver and dragged Nicky out of the cab and into the beautiful weather outside. If I knew the alexanderssons right (as I do) I knew that they were on the backyard and swam in the pool or sunbathed. I opened the door as quietly as I could and walked inside. I saw that the backdoor was open and heard everyone laugh and play outside. I dragged Nicky with me up stairs and into my room. God it felt so strange to be home again but at the same time soooo good! I've missed it like crazy! When we got into my room I closed the door and walked back to Nicky who was just standing in the middle of the room. I didn't know what to do with him, I mean I can't stand looking at him like this. He is so much better then this and I miss his smiles and laughter... I hate this. I took his hand and looked him in the eyes and said "Tove is not going to be happy that you are here and it will probobly just bring more sadness but I can't leave you like this.". Once again he didn't say anything and I flet how frustrated I got and tears started to fall down my cheeks. He slowly moved his hand from mine adn gently stroke my cheek while tears well down his cheeks too. He said one word and one word only; "Sorry.". I shook my head and took his hand and told him to lay down on the bed. He did as I said and then I heard someone run up the stairs and then yell "I'm coming, just have to get something". Then I heard Emil run back downstairs and knew that everyone ahd sat down at the dinnertable to eat. So I kissed Nickys forehead and said "I'll be back soon, don't go anywhere. Try to sleep and if you need me just call me." He nodded and then I walked to the door and closed it behind me.

I took a few ddep breaths and started to walk down the stairs and into the kitchen. Jensen was the first one to see me and he dropped the fork and said "What the..." then everyone turned around and Tove just flew out of the chair screaming. She threw herself around my neck and hugged me like crazy while she said "You're home! I can't believe it! when did you get home?!". I thought about what to say and then I said "Okay, hang on I've been in town for like 2 hours. Are you crazy or something? You're starting to scare me.". Tove stopped hugging me and looked at me angry and hit my arms and said "Stop it! Don't be stupid!" I smiled at her and siad "It's good to be home.". She hugged me again and then My came running and hugged me. I told her that I had missed her and she siad that she had missed me too. After everyone had hugged me I sat down on my chair and asked if I could eat with them. They just laught and siad "of course!" so we started to eat and they asked me a bunch of questions that I answered as good as I could. Then I put my fork down and said "Okay I just want to say something." and then I looked at the kids. I said "If I ever hear that you guys are being jerks towards Tove again I don't know what i will do to you guys! And Jerry, If you ever, and I mean EVER say that Tove should be dead then I will send you to a behaviour camp to fix you up! If she would be dead now I would to and then I would never come back. You guys are so happy to have a bigsister as Tove, she has been taken care of you all your life adn you should be greatful for that!". I could tell that all of them felt guilty so I really hope they understood where I was going with it.

After dinner I ran up to my room and checked up on Nicky, I carefully opened the door and looked in. He was fast asleep and I didn't want to wake him so I closed the door and walked back downstairs. I found Jensen in the kitchen doing the dishes, I aksed him where Tove was and she was talking with Krisen. Then he asked why I just had run off after dinner and I couldn't lie to him so I said "Well, Sara and Zara is home again and Nicky came over to Niklas apartment and Sara said that Zara had thrown away the engagement ring and shit like that and she really broke him down. And I couldn't leave him alone, I'm not sure but I have a feeling that he might do what I did when Tove was in the hospital. I can't let him do that so I took him here and he is sleeping in my room at the moment." Jensen looked at me and siad "God, I'm sorry. I understadn that you can't just leave him. I wouldn't even be able to. But Tove is not going to like this, she is going to get pissed. ". I felt tears build up in my eyes adn I said "I know she is but I couldn't leave him. What if he kills himself?! I can't live with that, knowing that I could have saved him!". Tears fell down my cheeks although i tried to wipe them away. Jensen hugged me and while he was holding me Tove entered the room and said "I really really don't like it but I can't stand seeing you so sad again. But I promised Zara that he wouldn't sleep here so he can't stay here tonight. I'm sorry." Jensen and I broke up our hugs and looked at her. I said "I know, but I can't leave him and I can't let him go. What if he does something? You said that when I cut myself it was the worse day of your life, well if either you or he does something just like it I would die.". Tove sighed and said "I know, but I can't let him stay. I'm sorry.". I nodded and walked by her and up to my room. I closed the door behind me and layed down next to Nicky, he moved closer and put an arm around me and I heard his heavy breaths next to me ear. I thoughtfully ran my fingers over his arm and looked up at the ceiling and thought about what I was going to do now. After about an hour someone knocked on the door and Nicky woke up. He looked like a wreck but he looked alittle bit better but when Tove walked in he turned to his other side away form both of us and I guess he tried to disappear. I looked at Tove but I couldn't really place her facial expression but I mimed to her and said "please don't" she bit her lip and said "Nicky can sleep on the sofa downstairs. But tomorrow he has to go home.I'm sorry.". I got up and walked over to her and gave her a soft hug and said "Thank you so much.". She just nodded and siad "yeah" and then she walked out form the room and closed the door behind her.

I walked back to the bed and Nicky turned to me and said "What has happened to her?" I stroke his cheek and said "for once she listened to what I say. I'm not going to leave you, I promis you that.". He gave me a really weak smile and kissed my cheek and said "Without you I wouldn't make thought this." and then more tears fell down his cheeks. I wiped them away and kissed his forehead and siad "You were there for me remember, so I'm here for you.".

Well. I don't really know what else to tell you. Nicky is still in my room, he just woke up and I think we are going to talk for awhile.

Take care of yourselfs
Love
Madde