A bad day becoming a good day?

Hello.

Is life suppose to be all good or all bad or is it suppose to be something in between... I wonder if it's like if you've had a few days good then you will have just as many bad once after to keep the balance so to speak. Well according to me I haven't had enought good days to weigh up all these bad days that are hitting us over and over again. We all think that after today it can't get worse but I guess it can. God is a cruel woman and I hate her sometimes!

Sorry for that little philosophical thought but I just felt like writing it.. Anyway, I guess you've heard the good news, Tove is keeping the baby! :D To be honest with you I wasn't sure she was going to do it because she has been totally against being pregnant and having a baby form the begining but when she told us that she was keeping it, I got really happy. I'm so happy for both Tove and jensen, and he is totally on top of the world right now. He is behaving like someone else I know... Shane Filan. He is going to be a father for the third time and he is also over the moon about it. :) But I really hope that Tove doesn't only do it for Jensen because then she might not want the baby when it's born and she will hate herself and Jensen for it... Okay, now I'm not going to be so fucking down, not now when we are talking about great news. :) But you know what, if that baby cries all the time and screams I will move out. I can't take babies crying, it drives me mad especially babies that cry all the time, for anything! Buhu I can't have this, Buhu I can't have that, Buhu I don't want to sleep, Buhu I can't sleep, Buhu I pooped, Buhu I peed! It drives me mad!! okay, sorry :P now I'm back in that swamp again :P

Well, let me tell you about today. After sleeping for about 2 hours again I woke up but didn't really feel like getting up so I just stayed in bed for awhile. After about 2 hours I heard a knock on the door and Jared peeked in. I gave him a weak smile and told him to come in which he did and closed the door behind me. He laid down next to me and put his arm under my head and I rested it on his bare chest. I squeezed me tight and then he stroke my hair, back and arm while asking me how I was doing. I closed my eyes, felt his abs under my hand and draw in his scent. I said "I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not good and I don't think I will be for awhile.". I felt his lips touch my head and he said "Is everything about Nicky?". I looked up at him and said "Am I hurting you?" he shook his head and I gave him a kiss on his chest and said "Yeah, or not just... But I'm so worried about him, I don't know, maybe I'm just overreacting. I.. I really really love him you know.". He stroke my arm and said "I've noticed. Ad obviously he loves you too." I sighed and siad "yeah, he does unfortunaly.". Jared stopped stroking my arm so I looked up in his face and he looked really confused, he siad "I thought that was what you wanted? Isn't that what everyone who is in love wants, for the other person to feel the same?". Once again I sighed and said "Of course it is but this has just brought bad things with it. I can't say that I'm not happy that he is feeling the same but at the same time I hate it. I want to be able to be with him, I wish I could be with him forever because I love him so but I can't.". A tear rolled down my cheek and Jared wiped ip away with him thumb. He said "I'm sorry. I want you to be happy and I can tell that being around Nicky makes you really happy. And I hate to see you so down and sad all the time. I don't think I've ever seen you cry this much before.". I touched his face and looked him in the eyes and said "Thank you, you mean alot to me you know. I'm sorry that I'm not in love with you insted, I wish I was." he gave me a smile and siad "Don't worry about it. This hole thing will get fixed.". I laid down my head on his chest again and wispered "I sure hope so.".

After about another hour we walked downstairs and met Jensen and Tove in the kitchen. Jared still hadn't put on a shirt and I was still wearing my sleeping shorts and a top so both Jensen and Tove looked at us and then smiled. Jensen said "Way to go buddy." and looked at Jared and gave him a wink. I put a hand on jareds back and siad "Sorry to disappoint you but we havn't had sex.". Jensen said "Oh, sorry to jump to concluesions, I just thought." I walked over to him and put a hand on his shoulder and kissed his cheek and said "You think to much with your downstairs brain these days Jensen.". Jared and Tove just started to laugh but Jensen blushed like crazy. I gave him another kiss on the cheek and then sat down next to Jared. We talked for awhile and then he asked if he whould make me a sandwich but I just shook my head and Tove looked a me with worried eyes. I didn't feel like talking about it so I just gave Jared a fast kiss and walked over to the livingroom and put on the tv. Before I knew it Jensen came over and sat down. I was really really trying to fight back my tears but when Jensen looked at me and gave me a hug I just bursted out crying. He stroke my hair and then we heard Jared ask what was wrong but Jensen just told him to give us a second. Jensen pushed me away alittle so that he could look at me and then he tried to storke my tears away but more just fell down. He said "You are everything but okay right now." I cried out "I'm so worried and sad and I don't know what to do! I hate this, I don't want this anymore! I love him with all my heart and I want to be with him but I can't and I can't stand that! I don't know what to do, please help me Jensen!". Then I threw my arms around his neck again and cried. Jensen just sat there holding me, trying to comfort me, which was of course impossible. He said "I'm so sorry, I don't even know what to say honey. I wish you could have what ever you wanted because I don't want to see my friends so sad but I don't know what I can do. I know that it's hard to be in love with someone you can't have.". I continued to cry and said "This is to hard..." he stroke my cheek and said "I'm here for you." I nodded and said "Go back to your pregnant girl now, she might need you. I love you Jensen, and thank you.". He kissed my forehead and said "I love you oo Madde" and then he got up and went back to the kitchen while I stayed in the sofa in the livingroom.

I kept crying, not knowing what to do but then my phone rang and I picked it up, I just had to say "Hello" then Nickys worried voice said "Honey? Are you crying? what going on?". I tried to stop crying but to hear his voice just made me cry more and I said "It's okay, I'm only crying alittle.". He let out a short ironic laugh and said "Alittle? come on honey.". I took a deep breath and before I could say anything he siad "I'm coming over." and then he hung up. I was just sitting there with the phone in my hands wondering what the hell he just said then I got up and ran to the door because I knew that it was NOT a good idea if Nicky came over and both Jared and Tove was home. When I ran pass the kitchen both Tove, Jensen adn Jared asked what was going on and Tove came out and gave me a wierd look and said "Everything okay?". I gulped and said "Yeah, I just have to go. Sorry." then I gave her a hug and walked out the door before she could say anything. But then she opened the door and said "Are you going somewhere without your clothes?" I looked down and saw that I was still wearing my sleeping shorts and a white top. I couldn't run in again because thebn Nicky would already be here and all hell would break lose but I couldn't just go around in that.Tove was still standing in the doorway and I was standing right at the road when a car pulled over adn Nicky stepped out of the car. He looked at me wth really worried eyes, and he looked like he did before, like a wreck. I turned around and looked at Tove, she was angry as hell and her eyes were shooting lightnings. I didn't know what to do, should I go with Nicky or should I go over to Tove. Tears started to build up in my eyes again and of course Nicky saw that and walked over to me and wrapped his wonderfula rms around me. I buried my face in his t-shirt and breathed in his scent. He smelled so good and I just closed my eyes and tried to ignore the world, I just wanted to be in that world of my own. Nicky kissed my hair and said "Do you want to go inside or go to my place?" I didn't answer, I didn't want to... but after asking me again I said "I have to change clothes.". He nodded and took my hand and followed me towards the door, Tove was still standing there and I let go of Nickys hand and told him to wait. I slowly walked over to Tove but she didn't let go of Nicky with her eyes, I took her hand and wispered "Please Tove, don't fight with him. I don't need it right now. Just, go inside and ignore him and we will be out of here in no time.". Tove gave ma an angry look and said "I can't ignore him and he is not stepping inside this house!" I said "I'm sorry but yes he is. Please just go back inside.". She took a threatening step closer to me and I said "Do you really want to do this?". She stopped and gave me an angry look and then she walked back inside. I swallowed and felt anger and sadness wash over me and then Nicky put a hand on my shoulder and lead me inside. We walked up the stairs and into my room, Nicky sat down on my bed and he said "It was a while ago since I was in here. I miss sleeping here." I gave him a short smile but inside I was smiling with my hole soul. I siad "Yeah well I miss it too." I took my top off and turned my back to Nicky so that I could change my bra. Then I walked over to my closet and tried to find a top and when I turned around to Nicky he was scanning me from top to toe. I gave him a smile and shook my head, he just raised his eyesbrows and then he leaned back on the bed and spred his arms out. I smiled at him because he looked so calm in a way and right there and then I saw a glimpes of the Nicky Byrne that I miss so much, the cheesy Mr Byrne. I changed my shorts and looked at the man lying on my bed, I walked over and did the same as him, laid down on the bed but his arm was in my way so my head landed on his arm. And I accidently flew out with my arm and hit him in the face. He let out a loud "OW!" and sat up and started to rub his nose. I couldn't help but laugh at him and then he just looked at me and stood up and then he put one leg on my right side and the other leg on my left side. I had no idea what he was going to do but you know me, I have a hard time to stop laughing and I couldn't stop now either but then he took my hands and raised them over my head and I stopped laughing at once because I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. I don't think I've ever felt my adrenaline pump that fast before and to feel his body on mine like that was unbearable. He held on to my hands with his left hand but then all of the sudden he started to tickle me!!! I thought I was going to die! I screamed but no one came to save me and I tried to wriggle away form him but he held on tight. He had a really cheesy smile on his face and tickled me like a maniac. After awhile my stomach started to hurt and I laught "please Nicky stop!" then he finally stopped and just looked at me with a smile on his face and he let go of my hands. I shook my head and said "Don't do that!" he stopped smiling and said "You don't want me to let go of you?". And once again my adrenaline was pumping like crazy and I said "I mean the tickling part stupid." but then I touched his face with my free hand and looked him deep in my eyes. I don't know how long we laid there, he ontop of me but then all of the sudden the door opened and Tim looked in. Nicky got up from me and I sat bak up and Tim said "Oh sorry, didn't mean to interrupt something.". I hawked and said "You didn't, don't worry about it. What's up Tim?" he just shook his head and said "Don't worry about it, it was nothing, we can talk later when you don't have company.". Then he closed the door and walked away. I looked at Nicky and he gave me a shy look and then I got up from the bed, took his hand and walked downstairs. No one said anything so we just walked outside and got into Nickys car and drove off.

When we got to his place Shane met up with us and gave me a hug. I smiled at him and he said "You seem better". I laughed and said "Maybe right now but absolutley not ealier." then he stroke my cheek and said "Well I'm going to leave you two alone for awhile becuase I ahve to go to the store and shop." so we said goodbye and then he left. Nicky and I sat down in the livingroom and put on the tv. He put his arm around my shoulders and kissed my head, I put my arm around his waist and cuddled up closer to him. After lying there trying to figure out how to ask something without breaking him down again but I didn't figure out a good way to ask so I just asked "Have you called Zara?". He looked at me and siad "Yeah I have but she didn't pick up... like always.". I sat up and looked at him adn said "But you have to keep calling. Beucase you want her back right?". There was something in his eyes breaking when I asked that and I knew that it was his already broke heart. He said "Of course I do. I love her and I miss her so much but I don't think she really wants me back. I woke up this morning and called her but she didn't answer so I desided that I wasn't going to be so broken down today, I wanted to be able to alugh and smile for one day.". I touched his face and gave him a soft smile and said "I'm glad to hear that and I know she wants you back to. But she wants you to leave me... I'm so happy that you are smileing and laughing again. you have no idea how happy it makes me.". He smiled and said "I'm glad I can make you happy for once. I know she wants me to leave you but I can't. I dreamt of you tonight, those two hours I was sleeping. Everything was just fine, but you and I were together, we were so happy and was even talking about geting married. And then my brain started to work alittle to wierd because the scen changed and we were undressing each other.". I hit his arm and siad "Nicky Byrne I can not believe you are dreaming of me naked! I thought you were a gentleman!" he looked really surprised untill I started to laugh and then I said "You are so sweet, and that is a dream I dream often". He gave me a smile and I cuddled closer to him again and he kissed my hair. We sat there watching tv for a few hours untill Shane came home and sat down in the armchair next to the sofa. He said "Look, I think I'm going to have to go home soon. Nicole is still sick and Gillian needs me home... pregnant you know." Nicky nodded and I said "Of course you should go home and take care of your family.". He looked at me like that he was sorry or something but I just shook my head and said "We'll be fine otherwise I'll call". He smiled and said "Sounds good.". Then we put on a movie and I cuddled closer to Nico again. I felt how tired I was and after awhile I fell asleep, I felt how Shane pulled a blanket over us so I figured that Nicky had fallen asleep aswell and then I fell asleep again.

When I woke up Nicky also woke up and I looked at the clock and it was 20.00 I sat up and looked at it again and then I understood that I had missed out on dinner at home. Nicky aksed "What's wrong?" I just said that I had missed dinner and that I probobly should go home. He just said "Before you go you have to eat something, tea with me and Shane. Please?". I smiled and said "Okay." and then we walked into the kitchen were Shane was making dinner. He said "Well, hello. Had a good sleep?" Nicky took my hand and said "Yes, best in a few weeks." I couldn't do anything else but agree with him. We ate a really good dinner, Shane is a good cook even though all the lads say he is a bad chef. :P

I told Nicky that I had to go home atfer dinner but he said "Can't you stay alittle while longer?" I sighed and walked closer to him and looked him in the eyes, put my arms around his waist and said "You have no idea how hard it is to leave when you ask me that.". He was starting to breathe alittle bit faster and he licked his lips with his amazing tounge and said "So you'll stay?". He leaned closer and shook my head, "I can't, gotta head home.". I put a hand on his chest right over his heart and felt his speeding heart under my hand. He lifted his hand from my hip and put it on my chest right over my heart and I bet he felt my heart going crazy in there. We were standing so close that we would just have to go like to more centimeters before our lips met. My eyes were flickering between his amazing eyes and his goregous lips and he once again licked them and he is so fucking sexy when he does that. I just wanted to kiss him right there and I was so close at doing it but then we heard Shane getting closer to the hallway where we were standing. So Nicky kissed my cheek and I gave him a hug and we said good bye.

When I got out from the house I took a few deep breaths to clear my head and calm my heart down but then the door opened and Nicky peeked out and said "Ehm... You don't have a car.". I turned around and looked at him and we both started to laugh and he yelled to Shane "I'm just going to drive Madde back home!" and then he came out and we sat down in the car. When we were sitting there on our way home I said "Thank you for a good day, for once I've had a good day..." he looked at me and put a hand on my thigh and siad "Thank you too. It was a good day today.". I smield at him and them we just sat quiet for awhile. When we got home I agve him kiss on the cheek adn said that I would call him later if I couldn't sleep. He said "sounds good." and then I walked up to the door and waved him off.

When I stepped inside I met Jared in the hallway and he was on his way upstairs. He stopped and said "You missed dinner." I just said "Yeah I know... I ate at Nickys place." then he said "okay. Hey do you want to play a game with me, Jensen and Tove?" I just smield and siad "Yeah, I would love to.". So we both walked upstairs and into Tove and Jensens room where they were picking out Twister. When we walked in Tove looked up and stopped fixing things when she saw me. I gave her a careful look but she just gave me a short smile and continued with what she was doing. I didn't get anything but I didn't want to press the matter so I said "Are we playign twister?" Jensen looked up and said "Yeah, do you want to join us?" I gave him a cheesy smile and said "Yeah if we do it my way.". All of them looked at me and asked what that was and I said "Well, in our underwear of course.". All of them started to smile and I raised my eyesbrows and asked what they thought. Tove said "I think that sounds like an excellent idea.". So we started to take our clothes off and began to play. Jared and Jensen looked like gods of course ;) yummie!!

Well we played for a great while but then we said goodnight and we went to our rooms. So there is where I am now, lying in my room blogging. I think I'm going to try and sleep nw but if I can't I'll give Nicky a call like I promised.

Take care
Love
Madde