Thoughts..

Hey Guys.
I hope your life isn't as messed up as mine is right now and many other people in my surroundings...

Well this morning when me and Jensen woke up we just laied theer for a awhile since we didn't need to take care of the kids since mum came home yesterday.
So I laied there on his bare cheast and strok his stomach with my hand and I could hear his heart beat inside of his cheat. He kissed my head and then all the sudden he rolled us around she he was on top of me and he started to kiss me and he put his hand under my shirt and strok my stomach and then my boobs, I stopped kissing him and todl him that I didn't really feel like it, he looked confused at me and asked woried " Is something wrong? Are you sick? " I smiled a little and said " No I'm just a little nauseous, it will get better soon. " He still looked worried at me and asked what was warong if I wasn't sick I said " Can we talked about this later today? " jensen said " Now I'm really worried " I kissed him and said " You don't have to be, I'm..fine" Jensen just looked at me wth worring eyes and gave me a kiss and went up from the bed and got dressed and so did I.

When we walked into the kitchen mum, Johan, Donna,Alan and My was sitting there eating breakfast. They smiled and said good morning when they saw, I sat down at the table and Jensen walked up behind me and asked if I wanted something to eat and Ijust shaked my head and he gave me a soft kiss on my cheek and walked away to fix some breakfast. Krisen looked at me with worring eyes, but she didn't say anything about that instead she graped my locket that I had around my neck the one that Jensen gave me. She looked at it and said it was beautiful and then she open it and
said out load " Marry me? " Then she looked at me and then at Jensen and asked " Have you proposed again? " Everyones eyes was at me and Jensen and he told them at the ahd and then they looked at me and asked what I had answerd I said " I said no again.. " Then Jensen said " I can't belive you have the marry paper still in there, why? I mean you don't wont to marry me I thought you just wanted to forgett about it. " I said " Beacuse when I see those words even thought I don't won't to marry you I know that you wants to marry me.. and it makes me feel special and loved " Jensen said " Do you need a piece of paper to know how special you are and how much I love you ? I said " No I don't but I still likes to look at him " He smiled and looked at me and took my head between his hands and said " I love you and you means the world too me! " I smiled and said " I love you too, you are my everything" He smiled and kissed me and when our lips let go I looked at our parents and they where smiling liek carzy. Then mum aksed if they had missed something more and I told them about Nico, Zara and all that. And then Jensen said " And Tove was on the police station teh other day too and talked about the kidnaping and you never told me what happend there " I sign and told them everything Robin had said and done and what I have done and said except that thing about how good Jensen is with is tonuge beacsue I think that is to much information. Anyway I could see both mum and Jensen started to get furious, then mum said" He is so firded, no one do that to my daughter!! " Then she walked away adn I could hear that she called some one and I absum that it was her boss.

After a little more of other things, then we helped out with the disehes . Boring!
I told Jensen that we needed to talk and he looked at me worried and I took his hand and lead him to our room and we sat down in my sofa. He asked what was wrong and I sign and said “ I’m.. pregnate “ He looked at me with big eyes and the biggest smile on his face and said “ You are not kidding right? It’s true! This is amazing! “ He gave me a kiss and I said “ I don’t know if I’m ready for this.. I’m sorry “ Jensen said “ I’m don’t want to push you into something but can’t we just discusse this and think about it? Or are you absoulty sure that you don’t want a baby now? “ I said “ Yes we can do that and no I’m not absotly sure, but pretty, but of course you have a oppintion in all this too. But I have an appointment with my gynecologist in an hour do you wants to come with me? “ He said “ Do you want me to follow you? And you are not doing an abortion now right?“ I said “ Yes of course I want you to come, and no now I’m just going to find out which month I’m in and so on “ Then he smiled and said “ Then I will gladly follow you. And you have no idea how good it’s sounds in my ears when you say that. “ I kissed him and then he looked me into my eyes and placed a hand on my stomach and looked down and smiled. I could tell how happy he was, which made this so hard.

When we arrived at the gynecologist and we waited for the docter to walk in the room. Jensen looked at me and asked if I was scared, I sign and said “ yes I’m. is it that obvious? “ He took my hand and kissed it and said “ Yes, and don’t worry everything will be okay, I will love you the matter what you deside to do. “ I smiled and he kissed me and then the docter walked inside the door she shooked hands with both of us and she asked Jensen if he was the father and he happly said yes.
She asked how I was feeling if it hurts somewhere and so on, then she asked about contraceptive and I told her that I had a coil and she said that they needed to take it out since I was pregnate today. But first she wanted to do a ultrasound on me, and this days when they are doing a ultra sound, they gently push inside of me and it looks like a big dildo, apparently they see better then . She had the monitor so we coulnd’t see and she told me that I was in 8 weeks pregnate right now and then after a while she pulled the dildo thing out and she tunred the monitor around towards us and she showed us a little thing who looked like a peanut and told us that was the baby. Then she said she would leave us alone for a little while so we could talk.

When Jensen looked at the monitor I have never seen him that happy before, his eyes was glowing of happiness and he couldn’t stop smiling, while I was having an anxiety attack and I feelt the tears started to weel up in my eyes and then they started to pour down my cheeks. Jensen looked worried and asked what was wrong and I said “ Everything is so fucking messed up right now! You are so happy like I never seen you before and I’m just fucking torn part about this destion and I don’t know what to do or what to feel “ Jensen took his fingers and dryed my tears away and gave me a kiss. And then he looked back at the peanut also called baby and I did the same. Then Jensen smiled and said “ Tove that is out baby right there and he is so beautiful “ I said “ I don’t know if I can agree with the beautiful thing and btw it’s a she “ Jensen laughted and said “ Of course he is beautiful just like his mother “ I smiled and said “ Yeah maybe but he is still a she , and if he it would be a he then I would dreass him in pretty dresses anyway “ Jensen said “ No you are not doing that to my….Jenski “ I laughted and said “ We are not callng him Jenski and like I said It’s not even a boy” Jensen laughted and said “ Yes it is, our little Jenski “ Then I said “ No it’s girl and please stop naming it because it will just get harder to do an abortion if it have a name “ Jensen said “ Then I should just continue then with calling him Jenski “ Jensen gave me a smile and I smiled back and said “ What did I say, girl” Jensen laughted and the the docter came back and the first thing Jensen asked “ How many weeks has the baby be to know if it’s a boy or girl? “ I laughted and the doctor answerd that it much at least be 10 weeks. Jensen looked at me and said “ Then we just have to wait 2 more weeks to see who has right “ I just laughted and then the doctor asked “ Are you keeping the baby? “ I said “ I don’t know.. “ Then she said “ I was just wodering since I read your journal and I saw you have had a tuff year with sickness and unfortunately it’s not sure that your body can handle a pregnancy right now, but I’m not saying that it will end bad I just need you two think about it for a few weeks or so. “ I asked her what could happened if it ended bad she said “ A miscarriage probably “ Then she told me she had to take away my coil now so she looked and asked “ Have you done it before? “ I nooded, then she said “ So you know that it maybe can hurt a little?” I said “ I know it will hurt like hell, not maybe. “ She laughted and put the tool thing inside of me to get it out which take a while. And it really hurts like hell like always, tears started to run down my cheeks of the pain and I squeezed Jensen hand the hardest I could. Then she finally got it out and that god for that! Then we told her we would think about what she had said and then she gave is the picture from the ultra sound then I got dressed and walked out of there.

In the car on the way home I said “ If we or I desided to keep the baby, you would think I looked so ugly! I mean I will get bigger everywhere, fingers, arms, legs, feet, hips, ass, boobs and we are not even going to talk about my stomachand after the baby is born I will have a lot of babay weight who I need to diet down “ Jensen drove to the side of the road and stopped the car and looked at me and said “ I Will always love you and never think you are ugly, never! You will looked so beautiful I know it and about your boobs I wouldn’t mind at all, even thought I love them as they are now too “ I said “ I wound’t mind the boobs either. And you should now that I would be bitchy like hell, sinec you know how I’m when I have PMS this would probably be like ten times worse if not more and I would cry all the time just be a bitch towards everyone. “ He smiled and said “ Yeah but I would still love you and still think you are the most beautiful women in the world and you should think so too, I can't belive you don't think so" I said " Yeah well we can discuss this when you are a women and pregnate and which a body who will change every single day for 9 month, then we can talk about this" He sign and said " I just wish you understood how beautiful you are " I said " I just wish you understood how I'm thinking" He started the car again and started to drive after a while he said " I love you no matter what " I smiled and strok his thigh and said " I love you too " He smiled and we drove home.

When we walked throw the door we meet Madde in the hallway and she gave me a hug and asked how it has gone and Jensen lighted up on a big smile and said " Everything looked great and then Jensen picked up the picture and showed Madde the penute also called our baby.
When he started to tell her about the baby and showed where it was I just walked away from there to my room. After a fw minuts Madde walked into my room and sat down infront of me and asked how I really was doing, I sign and said " I'm okay..I'm just torn apart what to do amd what to feel and what not to do, I just don't know anything right now... And Jensen is so happy. " Tears started to built up in my eyes and Madde said " I can understand that but don't think about Jensen like I said he will be fine. Just concentrate how you feel and what you want, but what ever you choose to do I will be there for you and I know that you would be a great mum and you can cry it's just me " I said " Yeah but it's hard not to think about Jensen.. and thanks because I will need you whatever happends and how can you be so sure about that ? I k,now but I can't cry infront of anyboy you know that" Madde gave me a hug and I hugged her back and she said " I know but try. I have seen you with you siblings and you are amazing and what you have done for them over all this years is is amazing I would never been abel to do that. " I said " Thanks I needed that. I love you! " Madde hugged me even harder and said " I love you too honey!" While we was hugging the door opened, and I heard Jensen say "Sorry, did I inturrped? " We stoped hugging and Madde said " No, come in " Jensen sat down next to me and gave me a kiss and said " You look sad? What's wrong baby? " He strok my cheek and I said " No it's just that my emtions starting to show off a little " He looked at me and said " Are you sure " I smiled and gave him a kiss and said " Yes I'm sure " Then Madde said " I will leave you two alone so you can talk, or have sex or fight or whatever " I laughted and said " You really don't have to go " She said " Yes I do, and I'm going to call.. Nicky too " I just looked at her angry and she walked out of there.

Jensen laied down on the bed when Madde left and he took my hand and pulled me down in the bed too so I laied on his cheast and he strok my back with his hand then he said " I have been thinking. and maybe we should move or what do you think? " I said " Yeah maybe. I don't down if I'm ready for so much changes right now since everything is changing. " Jensen said " I understand but it will take at least a month or too since we don't even know where to move and then we need to decorate too, or is that still to early? " I looked up on him and said " No it's not, but still Madde I can't just leave her, I can't be without her " Jensen kissed my head and said " I will take care of Madde tomorrow don't worry " I looked at him cunfused and said " What are you going to do? " He smiled and said " Don't worry, I want hurt her " Then he kissed me with his soft lips on mine. Then he said " So how are you feeling? " He took my hand and strok it with his thumb and I said " When they talk about morning sickness and that it will pass after a few hours that's a big fat lie or somedays it is anyway, otherwise I'm okay, except my sour tense boobs " Jensen said " I'm glad that I'm a guy sometimes I would hate that morning sickness thing. And about your boobs maybe they need some massage and I can help you with that " he gave me a cheesy smile and I laughted a little. Then he lead his hand under my shirt and strok my stomach and then he unhooked my bra and started to gently carness my boobes whith his hands. He kissed me and said " Dose it help? " I smiled and said " No, but you are getting me all worked up " He gave me a cheey smile and said " Dose it hurt more do you want me to stop? " I smiled and said " No don't stop " Then he smiled and kissed me and and started to kiss my neck and then Emil open the door and told us that it was dinner and when he saw what we was doing he said " Like I said get a room!" I said " We have room " Then he closed the door. Jensen laughted and gave me kiss then I got dressed then he took my hand and we walked downstairs to eat.

I acutally regret a little that i told mum about my eating problem because everytime we eat she looking at me with worring eyes, and I hate when people is worried about me.
Them mum looked away from me on on my siblings and said " So have you all been nice
to your big sister when I have been gone? " All of them looked so guilty and then they looked down on the food instead. Mum said " I take that as a no. So why did you all think you had the right to be mean to her? " They didn't anwere so I said " It's okay, they are nice now, Madde got a little angry with them. " Krisen looked at Madde confused and Madde just smiled, then Krisen said " So nothing have happend that I need to know about? No one has been getting drunk,geting in a fight, geting pregnate? " Jensen took my hand and Madde looked at me with a medningful eyes and all the kids said no. So Krisen said " Nothing? Good!" Then she looked at me and said " You did a good job taking care of this monsters " I looked at Jensen and smiled and said " I wasn't alone. " Then My said " I'm not a monster " And me, Madde and Jensen started to laugh :P
Krisen said to me " Robin is fired now so you know!" Madde said firmly " Good he desrves it " While I said " Wa it really nessasery " Krisen said angry " Yes it was! " Then we didn't talk more about that and we started to talk about how Krsien and them have had it on their little vaction while I got more and more nauseous and after a few minuts I just ran away from the table to throw up, Jensen had apprently followed me because he started to strok my back while I was laiying iver to toilet. Then he asked if I was okay and I said yes so helped me up and gave me a hug. Then we walked back to the table and Madde walked over to me and gave me another hug.
Then krisen said " How are you doing honey? What's wrong? " I sign and said " It's complicated.. and I don't really feel like talking about it today. " So she didn't ask more qustions.

When the dinner was over I walked over to Sara and Zara who still was staying at Niklas.
Sara opend and gave me a hug and then we walked into the living room where Zara, Kim and David sat watching tv. I walked over to them and gave them all a hug and me and sara sat down. Then Emma walkde into the living room and she was apprently going to a party with her freinds. So told Zara that she was going now and Zara said " Take it easy, promis? And I want you home at 1 not a minute after" Emma just said " Yeah yeah... " Zara said " And no alchole!" Emma said " It's not like you didn't drink when you where 15! " Zara said " Do you rembere the last time when you came home drunk? " Emma just said bitchy" Which time? " Zara just said camly " You know which time I mean. And if something happends, call me, okay? " Emma just said " Yeah.. " Then she walked throw the door. Then Zara stood up and said to me and Sara thats we should go outside on the balcony to talk. So we did and sat down. I asked if Nico had called her after what happend with the kids and all that. She said " No he hasn't I think he have given up on us..he should just go and get toghter with her instead.. dose they still see each other? " I said " I'm sorry honey but yes they do.. I have told Madde to tell nico that they should stop seeing each other..but I don't know " She said " He have to stop seeing her if he ever wants a second chance again..but maybe he dosn't want that.. " Sara said " Would you take him back if he got ride of that shank? " Zara said " it's a begining anyway and if he even wants me to try to forgive him that's the first step and then we just ahv eto go from there. But he dosn't want me back so... right now I just wants to go out on a club and get really drunk and sleep around with ever guy I see!" Sara said " Honey why? That's not the solution to this. " Zara said " Alchole is always a solution! And if he is cheating in a psychic way then I can cheat in a physical way, his way is so fucking worse then mine anyway!! " Sara said " Yeah that's true but still... you shouldn't." Zara said irratated " Let me do whatever I want Sara!" Then she just walked inside and we heard the front door close with a hard bang and then Davied walked out to us and said " Where did mum go? " I said " She just needed some freash air " Davied nooded and walked back inside. Sara looked worried and said " Should I go after her? I hope she dosn't do anything stupied.. like getting to drunk, or meeting the wrong people and do something she should do or go to Nico that's not good either, but maybe she neededs to tell him for once how she really feels and yell it out.. but still " I gave Sara a hug and said " I don't think you will find her, sorry and I also hope she dosn't do anything stupied. And I think you are right that she needs to let it out. "
Then we talked a little more and then I said I had to go home. Sara said " Please don't leave me here with her kids, I hate kids!" I laughted and said " Don't worry you will be fine I promis, otherwise call " She said " Yeah I will!" I gave her another hug liek a goodbye and left.

When I came home I asked Tim if he knew where Jensen was or Madde and he told me that they where out on a walk togheter. So I walked outside and sat down on then porch to think a little and it was acutally kind of chilly. After a while I heard the glassdoor opend and tim walked outside and he had a blanket with him that he gave to me and sat down next to me and I put the blanket on me and thanked him. He said " No problem you looked a little cold. " I smiledat him and he said " Are you okay? " I said " I never thougt you would ask me that qustion, I mean my little brother is a growen man now, it weird and kind of scary I sometimes still think you are 14 or something and now you are 21, crazy " Tim said " I know it's weird I never thought either that I was going to be intrested in how you are doing, but I'm so are you okay, I mean after thrwoing up with dinner and all that? I heard mum say that you have loost alot of weight" I said " Yes I have, but that is not was bothering me now " He said " So what is it? Are you sick? " I gave him a soft smile and said " No I'm not. Look Tim I can't really talk about it right now but you will find out soon I promis, I'm sorry. " He said " It's okay, but you are not sick? " I said " No, I just have a lot on my mind right now" He said " Okay, but I'm worried about you " I said " I can't belive my annoying little brother is worried about me, you are so cute " He said " Of course I'm, that's why I came home " I smiled and said " I love you" He put his arm around my shoulders and he said " I love you too " I lead my head on his shoulder and he kissed my head and we just sat there for a while in silince and then his cell called and he gave me a hug and answerd and walked inside. Then I just sat there alone and I started to think about the baby who is growing inside of me. I picked up the photo of it and looked at it and it looked so inscent and I just wanted to take care of it. I'm all redy starting to get mothely feelings, crazy. Then I thought about Jensen how happy he was when he saw the baby the first time. And I'm acutally starting to think that I maybe should have this baby, maybe it's meant to be even thought I don't know if I belive in that but that baby neededs me and Jensen and I know that Jensen would be the happiest man on earth and I want him to be. And it's not liek I don't like kids and Jensen would be the best father ever and... I don't know I can't belive that I'm acutally saying this but... Then I got inturpted in my thoughts of Jensen who came and sat down next to me and he asked what I was doing and I smiled and said " Just clearing my head " He said " Do you want me to go? " I kissed him and said " No stay " He looked down on my hand where I was holding the picture of our baby and he smiled and took it and said " Is that what you are thinking about? " I didn't answer so he touched my stomach with his hand and looked at me and said " What ever you choose I'm okay with it, I just want you to know that " I smiled and lie my hand on his who was still on my stomach and said " Thanks, and I mean it thanks for always beeing theer for me and listen to me and take care off me, you are amazing who can stand me even though I am like I'm " He smiled and said " All you are is amazing so it's not so hard. " I smiled and kissed him and he strok my back with his other hand. Then I stood up and took his hand and we walked inside and upstairs. We got undressed and laied down in bed even though the time wasn't more then twele then we just lyied there for an hour or so intill Jensen feel a sleep. And he is so beautiful when he is a sleeps,I really haven't feel liek this before and I didn't know that love liek this existed like I feel for him,all I want to do is make him happy, safe and loved. I would die for him if that was nessesary, his amazing.

Well I don't have so much more to write now,and mayeb in my next inlay you got to hear what I have decided about " Jenski" like Jensen call him. :P hahah
Have a nice night :) And you will hear from Madde tomorrow :)
Kisses
Tove