Lost without you.

How stupid am I? On a scale from 1 to 10 I must be a 100!! How could I be so stupid that I left for Sligo and let Nicky and Zara try and wrok things out!? I just want to disappear from this earth so that I don't have to think about this or feel the crappy ever again! I'm sick of it! I feel so lost right now I can't even begin to tell you and I can't seem to stop crying... Shane has been trying all day to get me in a better mood but you can just guess how that went.. let me tell you...

Last time something like this happened I actually cried myself to sleep so I got some sleep but not lastnight. I cried and cried and cried and even thought I was exhausted from all the crying i still couldn't fall asleep so I went downstairs and truned on the tv but couldn't see anything... All i could think about was nicky. After a few hours Shane came down the stairs with nicole on his arm, I didn't say anything and none of them noticed me so he just walked into the kitchen with her and started doing breakfast. After awhile he noticed the tv was on and walked through the doorway and saw me. He stopped and I looked up at him with my red, swollen eyes and he shook his head and came over and sat down next to me and wrapped his arms around me. I didn't have anything mre to cry so i just sat there, couldn't say anything... just totally numb. Then Shane took a closer look at me and then he got up and said with an angry voice "i'm going to give that man a call he will never forget!". And then he left me again in the livingroom and soon I heard him say "Nicholas Bernard James Adam Byrne you have some serious explaining to do! How could you do this to her?! You've broken her and you've done it good this time!". I couldn't stand listening to him yelling at Nicky so I just walked up to my room and closed the door behind me. I walked over to the window and sat down on the windowsill and looked over the beautiful Irish landscape. Over the mountains and the valleys was still a slight bit of fog and I saw sheeps peacefully walking around in their enclosed field baiting the green beautiful grass. I could still hear Shane yelling downstairs but I tried to shut it out which of course wasn't so easy, amongst other things he yelled "You'd better fix this, you can't do this to her! I will not stand by and see her like this, it would kill you if you saw what you've done to her!". After that I just opened the window and listened to the birds and breathed in the chilly, fresh Sligo air.

Of course after a few minutes more someone knocked on my door and Shane peeked in. He took a deep breath and came over and sat down next to me on the windowsill. I rested my head on his shoulder and he said "I'm so sorry honey. I can't believe he did this to you.". It was like the words just came out of my mouth without me knowing because I could hear myself say "The ones you love the most is the ones who will hurt you the most.". Shane sighed and said "maybe so but he should never have done this to you. And I can't help not being angry with Tove because she wrote something in her inlay didn't she?". I just nodded and he said "Jesus Christ! I can't believe her! She of anyone should know how much it would hurt you! She could atleast let nicky tell you himself and face to face for that matter! Not in some godforsaken blog!". I put a hand on his hand and said "She doesn't think like that... I don't know..." he put his arms around me and just sat there holding me, I just buried my face in his t-shirt like I use to do with nicky and just sat there for awhile. Then I felt tears build up and I cried "I'm so lost without him! I can't live without him, he is everything to me!". Shane stroke my hair and tried to comfort me but I just cried. After awhile he said "Do you still want to go home tomorrow?", I looked up at him through my tearful eyes and just nodded and said "I have to see him.". Shane looked at me and put back a lock of my hair behind my ear and said "Are you sure? You don't have to.". I just said "yes I do, I love him and I have to tell him that, even if he has broken my heart.". Shane pulled me closer again and we sat there for awhile untill we hearda knock on the door and Gillian walked in. She said "Oh sorry... Shane, Mae is on the phone..." Shane just nodded and kissed my cheek and left the room. Gillian came over to me and took Shanes seat and asked "Is he worth all this pain?" and of course I started to cry again and siad "He is worth everything in theis world! I love him so much, I don't know what to do... He is everything to me, he makes my day brighter, he is there for me, he is the only thing I have on my mind.... He is in my thoughts every second of the day and in my dreams every second of the night. I love him with all my heart and now when it's broken I love him with all the little tiny pieces of it.". Gill shook her head and asked what had happened this time an dI let her read the inlay and she said "I'm sorry sweety. But you know what, I know that he is still so madly in love with you and that he can't live without you either.". I shook my head and asked "Is that really good enough?" she stroke my cheek and said "Only you can answer that question.". Then we just sat there looking out over the Irish landscape but all I could see was nickys face, with that goregous smile and his beautiful blue eyes that makes my heart stop whenever I look into them.

Then Gillian had to go because she was going to the hairdresser and she left me in my room and I was alone yet again. But I feel alone even if someone is here so it doesn't really matter. I let the window stay open and I walked over to the bed and cuddled up in it and the all of the sudden my new cellphone started to vibrate so I looked at it and saw that it was Nicky who was calling. I didn't really feel like talking to him right now because what could he ever say to defend himslef? So I just let it ring and after about 2 minutes it stopped ringing but then it rang on the home phone insted and I heard Nicoles little feet running up the stairs and then she knocked on my door and walked in and said "It's nicky... He wants to talk to you.". I sat up and said alittle louder so that Nicky could hear too "I don't want to talk to him now." and Nicole put the phone to her ear and said "She doesn't want to talk to you." and then she hung up. I gave her a weak smile and she walked over to me and sat down on my bed and said "You are sad." and then she gave me a hug. I just hugged her back and said "Yes I am. Be happy that you are only 4 years old, don't grow up... it's just troubble.". Nicole gave me a smile and said "I love you Madde." I kissed her forehead and said "I love you too kiddo, yu are such a sweetheart.". Then she ran out from my room and went downstairs again. I want to be that young again, everything was just fun and you didn't have a care in the world. And nicole has two really amazing parents, she is a lucky girl.

I laid back on my bed and once again my phone rang and it was Nicky, but once again I didn't answer. I just looked at his name and I was really close at picking up just to hear his wonderful voice but I couldn't but then I did press it but he just hung up and didn't hear me on the other end. I put the phone down and after just a few seconds it rang again and I picked up and said "Nicky." and tears just fell down my face but then I heard Toves voice on the other side "No honey, it's me. Are you okay?". I can't describe the disappointment I felt when I heard her voice and not nickys but I said "Oh... Does it sound like I'm okay? Sorry but i can't talk right now because I don't want to fight... I can't do this now." and then she said "I'm sorry Madde, I am. but okay." and then we hung up. I threw the phone on the bed next to me and buried my face in the pillow and cried. You guys are probobly thinking that I'm mad at Tove but I'm not, I'm just so disappointed with her. She thinks that I have the right to know about Zara and Nicky but you know what, I'd rather hear it from Nicky face to face then read it in an inlay that Tove has written. You think that it shouldn't matter but it does, if he tells me face to face then I can tell him how I feel right a way but now I can just lay here and cry because I'm to scared to pick up the phone when he calls. So Tove please stop hurting me this way, let him tell me... I need you too stop.

When I was tired of just lying there I took my phone with me and walked downstairs and found Shane in the livingroom watching tv with Nicole. I sat down next to him and he put an arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer. We sat there for a while and then he said "He's called you right?" I nodded and said "But I didn't pick up. I don't know what to say to him Shane and I'm so scared of what he is going to say but I really want to hear his voice.". He sighed and said "Maybe you should try and talk to him, but if you can't figure this out over the phone then just wait till tomorrow and you'll meet him." I looked up at him and said "I'll try, I'm just so scared. I love him so much. And I miss him with all of me.". He stroke my cheek and kissed my hair and said "Call him." so I took my cell and walked into the kitchen and sat down by the table and tried to find the courage to dial his number. And when I was on my way to press the first number the phone started to ring in my hand and it scared me to death! I looked at it and saw nickys name on the display so i took a deep breath and pressed the answer button. I didn't say anything, I just sat there and heard nicky breath on the other end of the phone and then he said "Madde, are you there?". To hear his voice was so unbearable and my broken heart skipped a few beats and the butterflies that use to hide in my gut just went nuts. My voice trembled when I said "Yeah, I... I'm here." He let out a long breath and said "I don't know what to say, becuase I know that "I'm sorry" isn't going to cut it. I can't believe that i've hurt you so bad. Please say something, yell at me or what ever.". silent tears began to fall down my face and I said "No, sorry isn't going to cut it, I don't know what will. You've broken my heart so badly, I've never felt like this before. I can't yell at you Nicky, I can never be angry or hate you... Even though I would want to.". He took a shivering breath and said "I'm so sorry honey! I really really am and I don't know what to do to make it up to you! I hate this, I hate that we feel this way about each other and that we can't be together. I really do want to be with you.". I siad "now you are breaking my heart even more. You said you were falling for her again! But you didn't tell me, i had to fine out through Toves inlay! But you have no idea how badly I want to be with you." I heard him sob alittle and then he said "I don't know... Feelings are coming back yes but my feelings for you will never go away. I'm more in love with you then with her and I think I always will be. And honey i wanted to tell you but I wasn't sure, I didn't want to break your heart.". I cried "I'm so in love with you too and I can't even begin to describe what you mean to me, you are my everything. But you did break my heart by not telling me yourself.". Now he was crying even more and said "You mean the world to me too, you really do and you know I wouldn't lie to you about that. How was I suppose to know that Tove was going to write that in her inlay? I wanted to wait and tell you when you came back home. God I miss you so much it's crazy.". I said "I know you wouldn't just as I wouldn't lie to you. You just see right through me. i know, but that is Tove in a nutshell. I miss you too! I just want to go home and see you and feel your arms around me.". He tried to stop crying but it seemed like he couldn't, he said "You see right through me too, I can't lie to you. Oh I just want to wrap my arms around you and hold you and lay down in the sofa and just cuddle up with you and fall asleep with you in my arms. Knowing that you would alawys be there.". The idea and picture of that was just to much and I cried even more. Then Shane came into the kitchen and put a hand on my shoulders and said "You okay?" I just nodded and said to nicky "I will always be there, forever and ever. I love you with all my heart and i will never give up on us. i need us to live." he siad "I love you too, and I will never give up either. I'm so in love with you and all this with not being able to be with you makes me fall in love even more.". I said "Me too, You are the one I want and the one I never want to lose, you are the one I want to wake up next to and watch falling alseep, the one who will care for me and love me and take care of me when I'm hurt. The one I can't live without.". I looked up at Shane and he gave me a soft smile and kissed my hair and nicky said "I can't wait till tmorrow when I get to see you again... When do you some home?". I told him to wait a sec and took a few deep breaths and stopped crying and said "We land on Arlanda at 3 so Kian is coming to pick us up then... I think I will come over to you after dinner.. God the times is going to go in slowmotion.". He said "sounds good, yeah it is. Can't you come before you go home?" I shook my head and said "maybe that's not such a good idea, but I swear to god that i will not leave your place untill late." he said "okay, well that sounds good. I suppose we have a few things to talk about.". I just nodded and said "yeah i guess." then we talked about a few other things and then we hung up but he said that he was going to call me later because he wouldn't be able to keep away.

When I put the phone down Shane asked if I was okay and I nodded and said that i was and that I wanted to do something so that tomorrow would come faster. He just smiled and said "Well in that case I know just the thing." and then he picked up his phone and rang mark, Kevin and jodi and told them to come over. After an hour they walked throught the door and gave me and Shane a hug each. Then Shane told all of us to get in his car and we left Gillian with the kids at home and drove off. i had no idea where we were going but of course the rest of them did and then I saw Mae and Peters place with all the stables and the horses and everything and I asked when shane had in mind. He said "We are going out riding.", I just looked at him like he was stupid and I said "You are not getting me up on a horse!! Never Shane Filan!". Everyone started to laugh but I just looked at him and he knew I was serious and he said "Yes, you are going to sit up on a horse and we are going out for a nice ride." I just shook my head and said "i don't ride horses you know that!". And then Mark said "no you just ride men right?" and then everyone even I bursted out laughing again. I said "Yeah that's right! You know what they say, save a horse ride a cowboy." but then we pulled over and Mae came walking over to us and gave all of us a hug and when she hugged me she said "it's so good to see you again madde, but it's stange not to see you with nicky. Where is he?". i said "It's so good to see you to Mae, yeah well things are a bit messy so I thought a trip by myself would be a good thing. He is at home in Stockholm.". She nodded and said "I'm sorry if things are messy. I thought you and Nicky seemed so happy together, you haven't broken up have you? That would be a shame, you were perfect for each other.". I gave her soft smile and then Shane came and rescued me and said "Mom, everything is just fine. We were just thinking of going for a ride.". Mae kept her eyes on me and I knew she was still wondering but then she smiled at Shane and said "Oh that's good, you know which once to take?" shane just nodded and siad "Don't worry about it Mom. i love you." and then he kissed her cheek. She went back to the house and I told Shane again that i wasn't going to ride a horse but then he said "it's either that or stay here with Mom and Dad and answer their questions.". I thought for a while and said "Fine, the horses.". everyone satrted to laugh again and I just cursed them.

Shane picked out an old beautiful horse and said "this is one of my favorites, I used to ride him when I was competing. He is a very safe old champ.". Shane helped me up and when I was sitting there like 1.70 meters over the ground I felt my stomach turn and the whole world started to spin and Shane asked if I was okay but I just shook my head and leaned down on the horses neck. Then Mark came walking over and he said "God, she is really pale. Are you okay madde?", once again i shook my head and I was so close at throwing up but Shane said "Okay you know what, come down from there" and thn he helped me down. As soon as I felt the ground under my feet I took a few deep breaths and sat down on it and said "Told you that I didn't want to!". he asked why i got so nauseous and I said "Because it's so high above the ground. I get dizzy and feel like i'm going to throw up.". Shane sat down next to me and said "Sot hat is why you don't ride, because you are afraid of heights?" I nodded and said "Yes, I hate heights. Why the hell do you think I hate flying for? I'm not afraid of horses just thier height.". Shane smiled and said "Well, okay then why don't you and I saty here and they can go for a ride?" I just shook my head and said "no Shane, yu go too. You want to so." he just laught and said "Maybe so but these are my horses and I can come here and ride whenever I want to so.". I gave him a thankful smile and he told the rest of then the new planes.

When they had gone me and Shane walked into the stable and he took out a beautiful horse and he said "This is a birthday gift to Gillian. Isn't he a beauty? She totally loves this horse and his color because it's rare that a horse wih this color has that color on the mane and tail.". I just nodded and said "Yeah he is really beautiful but you know Shane I'm not so interested in horses." he just laught and said "Okay fine, come on." and then he let the horse into the box and walked outside with me. We walked into Mae and Peters house and Mae fixed some coffee for us and we all sat down and talked. When Mark, Kev and Jodi came back from their ride we said goodbye to peter and mae and drove home to Shanes place again. When we got there it was time for dinner and Jodi, Kev and Marky stayed over and ate with us. Gillian is a great cook and once again we had a really good time. After dinner we played snooker and and laught and talked and played music, it was great!

After a few hours of play my phone rang and I thought it was Nicky so I just picked up and said "Nicky, babe!" but then I heard a "Ehm... Madde is me Jensen.". I just bursted out laughing and said "Oh sorry Jensen! I thought it was Nicky, he promised to call tonight. So what's up?". He laught to and said "i see, well I was just going to ask you if you want to go with me and look for *beep*". Sorry about that beep thing but I can't write what it was he wanted me to come and look for because a certain someone can't know. Anyway I said "Yeah sure I love to! What about next week?" Jensen said "Great! yeha that sounds good. So are you longing for home? missing me like crazy aren't you?". I laught and said "Yeah i am, I can't wait till tomorrow. Of course Jensen! I miss you the most, being away from you all this time has been so hard!". He laught and said "Yeah I know, I agree completely! I've missed you so much to!" then both of us just bursed out laughing real hard and Shane looked at me like I was stupid or something. When we had calmed down alittle I asked what he was going to do this weekend and he said "Well, Jared and I are going out on Friday to party just the two of us. A J*2 night out. What about you?". I smiled and said "That sounds good, you both deserve a night out together. I think I'm just going to stay home because I've missed it so much." he said "Yeah, we think so too. well that sounds good, a night in... that's not so bad either.". I smiled and said "Yeah, I could use a night in." after that we just talked about everything and nothing and then we said goodbye and hung up.

I had just hanged up when it rang again and this time it was Nicky. I answered "Hey Nico." he said "Hello darling, how are you?" I smiled and said "I'm okay, playing snooker with Shane, Gill, Jodi, Mark and Kev. what about you?" he said "Sounds good, send them my love will ya? I'm okay.... I miss you though...". I smiled and said "Well I miss you too, so much. but i'll be home tomorrow and then i will see you and hug you and kiss you and tell you face to face how much I love you.". He let out a short laugh and said "Now I can definitely not wait till tomorrow! I'm going to tell you how much I love you too and cuddle up close to you in the sofa and kiss you like crazy.". I smiled and said "Sounds good, I long for tomorrow night. And I miss you so much!" He said "So do I and I miss you too so so much.". After that we just talked about everything and nothing and then we hung up and after a few hours it was time to go to bed and now I'm blogging. But I think I'm done now so I think I'm going to stop writing now and go to bed and maybe try and sleep.

Next time you'll hear from me when I'm home!
Take care
Love
Madde