The button got caught on play..

Hey..

Yesterday was a day I won't forget very soon.. I learn what kind of boyfreind I
really had and what my ex best friend really could do to hurt me.
It's not everyday that you lose both your boyfriend and best friend in the same day and for the same reason..

I don't know where to start this inlay... I can start say that I'm not really angry mostly just really hurt and disapointed and of course sad. Madde tells me that she know how I feel because when I have hurt her she feelt the same. Even though I have hurt her pretty bad many times in our lifes but nothing what I have done towards her is as bad as this. So yeah Madde maybe you think you know how I feel, and we have proabaly the same feeling but I can promis you that what I'm feeling right now is maybe a thousand time worse or more. I just want to ripe my heart out with my own hands and stab it, and do that with my whole body.

I didn't talk to him yesterday or her, after dinner I walk ino my room and sat down on the bed, after a while Jensen walked throw the door and he looked at me with sad eyes, I stood up and walked into the closet and grabed a whole new Vodka bottle and Jensen started to say how sorry he was and when I walked out from the closet I walked straight by him and I opend the door and was on my way out of it he said worried and begin " Tove don't do it, don't drink that please! " I just walked out of there and closed the door behind me. I passed first Jareds room and I could hear him talking to Madde then I walked by her room and I opend the door and walked into
her bathroom and took the whole morphine box which was about 20 pills with me and walked out of there and up to the atticed and looked the door, and sat down in a sofa without turning the light on. I put the bottle and the box on the table infront of me and I looked at them. I opend the bottle and poured out a few pills at the table then I sat there staring at them because I wasn't sure if I wanted to do this. I knew it would hurt both me and my baby really bad, I don't really care about hurt myself more the baby even though I hate that I'm pregnate right now.

After an hour or so I picked up the bottle and looked at it and then I took a gulp and put the bottle down and sat there for a while longer and it was so quit up there then I looked at the pills and picked up maybe 4 in my hand and looked at them. Then my cell started to call so I picked it up from the pocket and it was Jensen so I just hang up and when I had pulled up the phone a photo had followed. It was the
newest picture of the baby that we had got when we found out about the sex. I looked at it and my baby looked so helpless and alone, so I lookedat the pills and the bottle and then at the baby again and I put the pills down again on teh tabel, I couldn't do it, kill something so innocent which I was suppose to protect for every evil thing outside in the real world. So I just sat there looking straight into the wall for hours I think.
Then I picked up the bottle and the pills and walked down stairs and into a guestroom and I lied down in the bed to try to sleep so this day would go by faster.But I could sleep, I just lie there. To be totally honest when I grabed that bottle and those morphine pills and walked up the teh addict, my whole plane was acutally to kill myself and take all those 20 pills, but I'm to coward to do it..

When I had laied in the bed for a hour our so I didn't feel to be all alone anymore but at the sametime I didn't want to talk either so I got up from bed and walked over to Mys room it was really quit in house but the time was almost 2 so that maybe wasn't so weird. I opend the door quit and she was peacefully asleep in her bed. I walked over to her bed and crawled down next to her and laied down but I unfortuntly woke her up and she looked at me with really sleepy eyes and asked what I was doing there. I said quitly" Go back to sleep. " She crawled closer to me and laied her head on my cheast and her arm on my stomach and I had my arm around her and then she fall a sleep again. I kissed her head and asked myself how I could even be so stupid to even think that I wanted to kill myself. What about My I want to see her grow up and mum would be devastated I can't make her go throw that, and what a good role model I would be to Jess, Tom, Jerry if I just show then to just give up, and Emil who saved my life and went throw all that even though I know he hated it and Tim who apprently needs me her so I can make sure he founds a good woman just like he deserves to have, so I'm glad I deside not to do it..
My moved a little and got even closer to me I looked at her and I could feel how tears stared to well up in my eyes and before I knew it I was crying like crazy while I did my best to be as quit as possible. It was like a move in my head who was playing over and over again and I could see so clearly what I had view in that garage on that car that I had bought for Madde. Every movement every moan, how Jensen had his fingers inside of her and how she was making him hard and their lips kissing, every little thing I see over and over in my head. And more and more tears rolled down my cheeks and all the sudden the door opend and mum peeked in and she said suprised and quit " Tove is that you? " I didn't answer I tried to stop crying but I could everything just got worse and more tears started to ran down my face. Mum walked over to the bed and she said " I thought I heard some one crying.. What's wrong honey? " When she asked that I started to cry even more which I didn't thought would be possible, mum strok my hand and said " Let's go somewhere else so we won't wake My " I nooded and I lied her down next to me and I got up and mum was just going to give me a hug but I pused her away and said " That will just make me cry more"

We walked into the guestroom I had been lieing in before and we sat down on the bed and she looked at me worried and asked once again what was wrong, tears was jut running down my cheeks all the time and I had no idea how I was going to be able to talk about this with words and say what they did out loud, because when I did that then it would be real, then it just feel like a nightmare that I was going to wake
up from. But I told her crying what had happend and then she hugged me and said " I'm so sorry honey I wish I could help you, I'm so sorry " I cried " I wish I had walked out faster and found them or helped Madde clean the car " Mum said " It's not your fault what happend, it really isn't " She kissed my cheek and I was just crying my eyes out in her arms. When I had calm down a little I let go of her grip and mum looked higher at the bed and reached for the Vodka bottle and the pills and she looked at me and said " What is this? What where you going to do? " I started to cry more again and I looked down because I could face her worring and sad eyes which I know she had right now and she said " You where going to kill yourself, wheren't you?" I didn't answer, and mum didn't say anything more then so after a minut I looked up at her and now she was also crying I asked why she was crying and she said " Because I'm scared that my oldest daughter is going to kill herself " I cried " I won't I promis, I would never do that to you or anyone I love in this family, I'm sorry " Mum hugged me and we cried and she said " You have nothing to be sorry for " We cried on each other shoulders for a while and then I took a gleamt a the clock and it was 4. I stopped hugging her and got up frfom the bed and took a warmer shirt on and my shoes and mum aske worried what I was doing and I cried " I can't be here when they wake, I just can't please don't fight with me about this just let me go " Mum said " Where are you going? " I said " I don't know maybe to Henrik if he is not working " Mum said " Please Tove stay? " I said " I can't I'm sorry. I will come home later to get some clothes " I gave her a hug and said good bye and before I walked outside the door she said " Promis me that you want hurt yourself? " I looked at her and said " I promis "

Then I left and walked outside the front door and first I thought I should take a car but I couldn't manage to get in to the garage and see Maddes car standing there and then I don't know what I would do. So I started to walked out in the dark even thought it was freezing outside and tears ran down my cheeks all teh time. I picked up my phone and called Hnerik but he didn't pick up so he must had been working, so then I called Zaras phone but she didn't pick up either and not Sara or Niklas either. I have never feelt that alone before in my whole life, after walking around outside I really started to get cold then I picke up my phone and called Nicky and he answerd after a few signals and he sounded relaly tired so he had been sleeping he
said " hello? " I was quit for a few second before I said " Hi Nicky, it's Tove " He could hear right the way that I was crying and he sounded more awake now and he asked if something was wrong, if something had happend to Madde, I said crying " No not excatlly " Then I told him that I had found her and Jensen today almsot haveing sex, he just said " Om my God I can't belive it, I'm so sorry " I cried " Do you know hwy Sara and Zara isn't answering? " Nicky said " No but those two are hard to wake up when they are sleeping. Are you outside? " I cried " Yeah... " Nicky said " Tell me where you are then I will come and get you and you can sleep here. " I said " I can't stay with you Madde will come over tomorrow and I don't want to see her ever again " Nicky said " Then I driev you to Zara and sara instead. So where are you " I told him where I was and after 10 minuts his car stopped infront of me and he got out and walked towards me and gave me hug and I hugged him back and of course I just started to cry more so I pused him away and got into the car instead and he got in the car too and he looked at me and asked if I was cold and I nooeded so he gave me a blanket that he had brought with him and put it on me and he started to drive and then he asked " Why didn't you take a car? " I started to cry more and cried " Because I found then in the garage and I could manage to go in there now. " Nicky nooded and he strok few tears away from my cheek and said " I'm really sorry about this, I know those words dose't really make it any better but.. yeah " I just looked out throw the window without saying anything.

Then I could hear him sign and then we stopped and we was at Niklas and Sara place, Nicky took my hand and said " Are you sure about this? you don't want to go home? " I said " No, if you had found Zara or Madde or who ever you know is in love with haveing sex with your best friend, what would you have done? Gone home, doubt it. " I took back my hand and he said " Yeah maybe so. " I got out off the car and so did Nicky and he knocked on the door and after a while Zara opend the door and behind her was Niklas, Sara and Emma and they looked so tired. Zara looked at Nicky and then at me and she told us to come in and we walked inside and closed the door and Zara asked what was wrong, then tears started to ran down my cheeks again and I looked at Sara and asked if she hadn't told her and she looked sad and said " No I didn't " Zara looked confused and worried and she gave me a hug and then I started to cry even more so she just stooed holding me for a while and Sara strok my back and then Niklas said " Let's go into the kitchen " I nooded and Zara had her arm around my shoulder, and she looked at Emma and said " Go back to bed honey " She just nooded and did as she said and all 5 of us sat down in the kitchen and I couldn't say it out load again tears just started to pour even faster so I took and Sara and told her to tell them, and she said " Are you sure I just have Maddes side of the story? " I said " I know but the whole story is basiclly the same. " Sara nooded and told Zara and Niklas what had happend and it was almost as horrible to hear someone else talking about as do it myself. Sara looked at me and said " Did I miss something? " I said " Just the cheesy details, like he had his finger inside of her and she had her hands on his... you know, and there lips kissing each other.. and everything "
Sara was holding my hand and Zara was stroking my back and Niklas said " I can't belive that even Madde would do something like this. " I said " yeah but it wasn't her who started it.. " Zara said " It was he? I can't believe this I thought you two where having a amazing reationship.. and now this " I said " We was, I never thought he could do this. Yesterday I opened up my whole heart for him and told him everything which is not me at all and then we had a great time at the beach talking in the middle of the night.. and he as always told me that he never could do something like this to me and that he never wanted to hurt me and Madde has told me so many times that Jensen would never do this, I think she have told me that at least a hundred times this last months, and she was so sure about that because Jensen wasn't that kind of guy.. she was wrong. But the worsed part is that it was with Madde he did it.. " Niklas walked over to me and gave me a hug and then new tears started to fall down my cheeks, he let go and Sara said " Even thought he started it, Madde could hae done something, even thought it is Madde she could have pused him away she is your best friend. " I said " You mean she was my best friend. Sara don't be to angry with her, she needs a friend.. " Sara said " You don't mind? " I cried " No, I still love her and I don't hate her and I want her to be happy, and she needs you and... Nicky " I looked at Zara but she did't seemed to care about what I just had said and I said " But I never want to see her again, we have nothing to say to each other anymore. That's just how it is, it dosn't matter what she says. " Sara hugged me and so did the other Zara too and then we sat there all night talking and me crying..
When the sun was up Nicky said " I think I have to go now.. " I gave me a hug and stood up and I said " Thanks Nicky " Nicky said " Don't worry about that " Zara walked up to him and gave him a kiss and said " Thanks honey " He said " I call you later " He gave her a hug and left.
Niklas asked if he could get me anything and I said " If you can get me a remote so I can hit the rewind button and rewind the whole week till when Madde got home and made out with Jensen and when I told him that we was not going to have sex for a whole week and I should never had said that ... " Niklas said "Sorry I can't fix that.. " I said " I know I'm sorry " Zara said " You know even though you told him not to have sex in a week dosn't mean that he can have sex with some one else so it is not your fault, he should be able to control himself for a week and since you are pregnate sex will probably not be the first thing on you list.. " I sign and said " maybe you are right.. " Then we desided to go and try to sleep a couple of hours. So both me, Zara and Sara laied down in Zara bed and tried to sleep but it didn't go that well so we just lied theer thinking.

In the morning we got up and Niklas was in the kitchen making breakfast and Ida and Zaras kids was sitting at the table. Sara said " We can stay in the bedroom if you feel like it? " I said " It's okay.. " Niklas gave me a hug and we sat down and David said to Zara " What is Tove doing here this early? " Zara looked at me and then David and said " She need to talk to me, Sara and Niklas last night and then she sleeped over here. " David nooed and countinue eating, and Niklas asked if I wanted to something to eat or drink, I said " No thanks.. " Niklas said " My is coming over here today.. and I don't know who is bringing her over " I nooded and after 20 minuts someone knocked on the door and Niklas looked at me and then he walked over to opend the door and I heard Mys voice and then Jessicas and Tims, so I walked over there and when my saw me she ran into my arms and I picked her up and gave her a hug then she ran away to Ida. Jess and Tim looked at me and Niklas said " I let you talk " And then he walked back into the kitchen and Jess said " Where was you this morning at breakfast, we missed you. " I told them that I had sleeped here and Tim said " Tove what is going on? " I told them to go outside in teh hallway and I closed the front door behind me and sat down on a stairs and I could feel the tears started to well up agian so buried my face in my hands and Jess and Tim came and sat down on each side of me and Jess asked careful what was wrong, one tear run down my cheek and I looked up and sign and told them everything.. Jess also started to cry and Tim just got furious at Jensen and Madde but mostly Jensen. He said " I'm fucking going to kill that son of a bitch when I got home!" I cried " No don't do that. " Tim said " Why not?!" I said " Because I love him and if you kill him then I will just be even more miserble, so Tim promis don't do anything stupid? " He sign and said " Fine.. " Jess cried " You and Jensen was like the perfect couple and I always thought you two would get married and live happly ever after, and Madde I don't know where to start..I looked up to her and wanted to be like her and now she dose this.. " I hugged her and she said " You are not suppose to hug me I'm suppose to be there for you not " I said " Yeah but it feels good to feel needed too. " I let go of Jess and Tim gave me a hug and I said " Guys don't hate Madde now, okay? " Tim pused me away and asked if I was crazy and I said " No, I want her to be happy and have good life, so tae it easy with her. " Jess noodede and I said goodbye to them and walked inside again. My and Ida was playing and I sat down again and then my cell called and I looked who it was and I saw Jensens name on the display so I just hang up and Sara and Zara looked at me but they didn't say anything.
I walked back to the bed room and lie down and picked up my cell phone and stared to read old text messageses and every text from Jensen always ended with something like, I love you, You are best, you make my day, you are my everything, and so on. New tears started to ran down my cheeks and after a while I acutally feel a sleep for a an hour our so and when I woke up I desided to go home and get some new clothes.

I was so nervious about wlaking into the house I had hope that Madde and Jensen wasn't home. I opend the front door and walked inside and I had just closed the door I heard Maddes voice and I looked up and she was staning a few meters away from me, she looked sad and said " Tove, please talk to me or yell at me or do something. " I just walked upstairs and she followed me and she countiune saying she was sorry and when I walked into my room and closed the door behind me she didn't follow me. But then I looked up and saw Jensen siting on the bed and when he saw me he stood up and said " Please just let me talk before you yell at me, just listen. " I stood there and he started to say " I'm sorry, I really am, but that is not helping. This isn't any good explintions to something like this, but I just want to be totally honest. When I walked into the garage I never had the plane to do that, but when I saw her in those clothes I just could control myself, I know I have said that I don't think she is that sexy which is a little lie.. I do think she is sexy and attractive woman I do, if I said I didn't then it's a lie. But even though I think you are so much sexier and beautiful and everything I want and I'm in love with you and not her. She have a great body but so do you, but what she dosn't have is your personalty, your feelings and those things that makes you you. Which makes you the woman in my dreams that I want to marry and have a family with, I would never be able to fall in love with Madde, because she isn't you. You are the one I needed not
her, what we did we can just say we are sorry about that but I know it dosn't really help but I just have to stand up for what I did. " I just looked at him and he looked back at me and we stood there for a few minuts then he said " Tove talk to me, yell at me, say something, please?" I said " I just want to say that you can pack your thing do day and leave tomorrow and after this I never want to see you or talk to you again. " Jensen looked at me and tears started to pour down his cheeks and he said " You are breaing up with me? " I said " Yeah, but I wish you all luck in life, but it's not going to be with me. " I walked into the closet and took a bag and throw a few things in there and closed it, and walked out to the room and Jensen was crying and he said " But I love you!" I took a deep breath and said " I love you too, but I can't do this I'm sorry " He started to cry even more and then I just walked out of there and on my way down stairs tears started to fall down my cheeks and I meet mum in the hallway and she stopped at looked at me and I just ran over to her and hugged her and even more more tears started to fall down and I said crying " I just broke up with Jensen " Mum kissed my head and we just stood there hugging and then I heard Maddes voice behind me saying " Tove? " I just let go of mum and walked by Madde and throw the front door. I told her yesterday her on the blogg
that I didn't hate her just that I never wanted to talk to her again and never see her again, but she apprently didn't get that.. because if I know Madde she will not give up.. but whatever she say will just make it worse. Because all I saw when I
looked at her was how she was enjoying Jensen finger inside of her and when I looked at Jensen I saw how his fingers was moving and how eager he was to have sex with her and how both of them moaning.. I never want to see them again and I mean it. I have never been this open to another person before and talked baout my feelings and my fairs like I did with Jensen, and he have told me so many times that he can't belive those who cheats and that he would never leave me or do something like this, he have said that so many times when i have been worried and I have never feelt like this before for a guy, I mean I'm caring his baby and I would never even consider having a baby with anyone else them him and now he let me down so much and after everything he had told me I was so sure that he would never cheat on me, never and now he did
after all those words who was just empty promises and words. And Madde who I thought was my best friend and who ha dtold me she would never ever do something like this towards me and I believed her stupid and naive as I'm. She knew excatlly how I feelt about Jensen and she saw me those month without him by side and how miserble I was and when he came back she said I was a new person and I was so happy, and she was so happy for us. And she have tried to convince me to get married to him and she helped me understand what a wonderful man he is. But I can't take it she have hurt me so much over this years espically this year, with Eddie, Tim and everything else, so I just can't take it anymore, even though I love her so much and worry about her I just can't be her friend anymore not after this. So I think I will stay with Niklas and Sara intill I find something else so I can move. I maybe can throw Jensen out of the house but not Madde that home is just as much her as mine, and I think it's time I leave, especially if I'm going to have the baby by myself.. but I don't know if I can handel seeing the baby and know it Jensens that maybe will hurt too much.. I don't know, I don't know anything anymore.. I just want to forget..

I walked back to Sara and Niklas place and we sat down on Sara and Niklas bed room and talked for a while and I cried alot and I told them that I had broken up with Jensen and what had happedn at home. Then we just laied there for the rest of the day and it was nice to have them there next to me.

That was my day.. great huh?
You will hear from Madde tomorrow..
Have a nice evening.
Kisses
Tove