Horror

Hey.

God things are so fucking messy right now that i just want to disappear through the ground and never come back.

This morning when i woke up after sleeping for about 3 hours I walked downstairs and found Tove and jensen in the kitchen eating breakfast with My. My came running towards me and hugged me while Tove gave me a smile and both Jensen and her said "Good morning you.". I smiled back to them and siad "good morning to you too. You're up early?" Jensen said "Yeah well, gotta take care of the kids right." and winked with one eye. I said "You and your kids Jensen, well you can be happy now because Krisen is coming home today so it's your last morning to take care of these monsters.". then My said "I'm not a monster.", then I bent down and started to tickle her and said "Yes you are, you are the biggest monster here!". She was laughing so hard that she was almost screaming. Then Tove said "Well, I'm glad Mum is coming home becuase then we can do something else then look after them." I stopped tickling My and sat down at the table and told My to sit back down and eat her breakfast. She did as I asked immediately and then Jensen asked "So what are you going to do today then?". I sighed and said "Well... I gotta go to Nico and check up on him. What about you guys?" I looked at Tove but she didn't meet my gaze, she just looked down in the table and looked angry. I made the decision not to care but looked at Jensen insted and he said "Yeah I thought you would, but I get that. I don't know what we are going to do.. we'll see." and then he kissed Toves cheek. I smiled at him and we all began to eat our breakfast again.

When we were done I asked Tove if I could talk to her and she nodded so we walked upstairs to her room and sat down on the bed. It was like when we were younger, we always sat on the bed talking about boys, friends and other stuff, it was so great. When we had taken a seat Tove asked what I wanted. I placed myself right infront of her and looked her in the eyes and said "I miss you and I love you so much and I hate fighting with you. I just want you to know that I'm here for you even thought we have different oppinions about things.". Tove took my hand and said "I love and miss you too, so much. And I don't want to fight with you anymore, but I won't change my mind about this with Nicky.". I closed my eyes and said "I know. But let's not talk about that now, let's talk about something else. How are you feeling?". I looked at her again and she said "I'm fine." and then she did what she always does when she is lying. I looked her in the eyes and said "Don't lie to me Tove, please don't. I thought we were done fighting."she said "I'm sorry but if I tell you the truth then I admit to myslef how I feel and I can't.". I sighed and said "You have to. I'm sorry." when she looked at me I saw tears in her eyes but she was fighting them back and she said "I'm scared. I don't know what I want to do. I'm not ready for a baby but Jensen is and I can't hurt him like that. He so wants a baby and now when I'm pregnant then he is going to want to keep it." one single tear fell down her cheek and I wiped it away and said "I know honey. But you have to talk to him and make a decision together, he will understand that you are afraid and not ready and then he is going to have to respect that because it is your body not his. He doesn't have to carry that baby around for 9 months and have a backache and throw up in the morning and have sore boobs.". She said "I know he will respect that but he will be so hurt and sad and I can't deal with that.", I said "Don't worry about him, think about it you are saying no to him over and over so he must be able to take it if you don't want a baby. Maybe you should merry him insted of the baby.". She laught and said "yeah maybe I should. Atleast that would make him happy." I laught and siad "Yeah think about it." and then she gave me a hug and we just sat there for awhile hugging. Then she said "Thank you." I pushed her away and looked at her and said "For what?". She said "For this, for not running to Nicky at once this morning." I stroke her cheek and said "Don't worry about it. I wanted to talk to you, I've missed you.". She smiled and said "I've missed you too.". Then we were brought back to reality by my phone ringing and I looked at it and saw that it was Shane. I asked Tove if it was okay if I picked up and she said "Yeah, do it." so I picked up and said "Hi Shaney, How's things?". Then a really stressed Shane replaied "Madde, hurry. I can't get throught to him" my heart started to beat harder and I got up from the bed and asked "What? Shane, what is going on? where is he?". Tove could tell that I was worried because she stood up next to me and mimed "What's going on?". I just shook my head to show that I didn't know. Shane said "You have to come and hurry!". then he hung up and I put my phone in my pocket, gave Tove a hug and siad that I was sorry and then I ran down the stairs, grabbed my shoes and ran to the garage and started the engiene of my Lambo.

I ran it up to a 150 km/h and were at Nicos place in about 5 minutes. I quickly ran out of the car, locked it and ran up to the frontdoor and ripped it open. I called out for Shane who came running towards me and he looked so worried. He took my hand dragged me upstairs I asked what was going on and he said "Kim called this morning and yelled at him and then he ran into the bathroom and he won't open the door and he won't answer! I don't know what to do!". I felt the adrenalin rush through my body as I ran up the stairs hand in hand with Shane. When we got to the bathroom I knocked hard on the door but Nicky didn't answer. I said "Nicky, baby. Please open the door. Don't do anything stupid." but he didn't answer or open the door and I dot more and more worried and scared. Tears started to fall down my cheeks really really fast and I pounded on the door and cried out "Baby you are scareing me! please open the door!". Then I heard someone move inside and I really hoped he would open the door but then I just heard his weak and sad voice say "I don't know what to do. I've messed up so bad that there is no way out of this, my kids hate me, my girl hates me and even I hate me." I flet my tears fall faster and I said "Please Nicky, open the door. I don't hate you, Shane doesn't hate you, we love you so so much. And right now you are scareing us out of our wits. Please don't do this, open the door. I need you to open this door. baby..." I put my hand against the door and scrached it alittle, I heard Nicky move inside and then he scrached the door aswell and then I heard him unlock the door but he didn't open it. I carefully pressed down the doorhandle while my tears were still pouring down my cheeks and slowly opened the door. Nicky was sitting against the bathtub crying, I ran up to him and threw myself down infront of him and wrapped my arms around him. Over and over he said "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."I kissed his cheek and took his head between my hands and said "It's okay, everything is going to be okay.". I wrapped my arms around him again and he cried on my shoulder then we both felt how Shane sat down next to us and hugged both of us. we sat there crying, holding each other for like an hour almost but then I stood up and pulled Nicky to his feet. He looked like a total wreck and he was just a shadow of the man i fell in love with 6 months ago. We walked down the stairs and into the livingroom and sat down in the sofa while Shane got 3 glasses of water. Nicky laid his head in my lap and just stared out into nothing. I pulled my fingers throught his hair and felt the salty tears on my cheeks dry. Shane sat down in the armchair next to the sofa and put mine and nickys waterglass on the table infront of us. We just sat there, none of us knowing what to say because nothing would make Nicky feel better. All of the sudden Shanes phone rang and scared the hell out of all of us, he left the room to talk to Gillian. Nicky sat up and looked so sad and then he said "Madde, I'm sorry I scared you." I stroke his cheek and said "Don't worry about it. As long as you don't hurt yourself I'm okay.". He looked at me and said "I don't know what to do. What can I do?". I shook my head and put my hand on his cheek and said "I'm so sorry, I don't know what you or I can do. Give them some time and maybe things will go easier.". Nicky closed his eyes and rested his head to my hand and a tear fell down on his cheek. I just want to hold him forever and take himfar far away to a place where no one can ever hurt him again. I want my Nicky back, I want the happy and funny and childish Nicky Byrne back, not this sad, devistated and miserable wreck that he is now. I miss him and I need him. I couldn't take my eyes form him, his beautiful facial features all twisted by sorrow, those gorgeous eyes filled with tears and his kissable lips havn't see a smile in days. He slowly opened his eyes and met my worried eyes, then he moved his hand towards my face and touched my forhead, nose, cheeks and last my lips. I closed my eyes and felt chills running down my spine and I felt his hand slowly wander down over my chin and neck. I opened my eyes and ran my fingers through his blond sexy hair and said "I love you so much Nicky, and I hope you know that. But if you want me to stay away from you so that you can fix things with Zara then I can do that. I would do anything for you.". He leaned closer to me and stopped just a few centimeters away from my lips then he slowly kissed my cheek and said "I know and I love you too. People think that things between me and Zara will fix itself if you and i stop hanging out but I know it won't. I don't know how things are going to work themselfs out but I know staying away from you is just going to make me more devistated and I would never get throught this without you. I need you.". Once again tears started to fall down my face and I pulled my fingers through his hair again and he closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around me and held me. It felt like he was the one comforting me even thought it should have been the other way around. I played with his hair between my fingertips and I felt his hands stroke my back and hair. When we heard a hawk behind us we stopped hugging and Shane said "Sorry, I didn't mean to desturb.". We said that it was okay and then we asked how Gillian and the kids were doing. After that we just talked about things that made us forget about all the mess that is going on right now.

When I looked at the clock I saw that it ws dinner time so I gave Nicky and Shane a kiss on the cheek and said that I would call later then I left them in the livingroom and walked to the frontdoor. Just as I was suppose to open the door Nicky stopped me and siad "Madde, don't worry about me. As long as you are there I'll be okay." I walked over to him and took his hand and said "I will always worry about you Nicky Byrne. And I will always be there for you." I gave him a kiss on the cheek but he tilted his head alittle so I flelt the corner of his lips touch mine. I gave him a weak smile and told him once again that I would call later and then I left and stepped into my lambo and drove off home. When I opened the frontfoor to the house and stepped in and stepped right into Krisens arms. She hugged me and said "I'm so happy that you are home again honey". I smiled and said "Well I'm glad to be home, when did you guys get back?" she let go of me and said "just a few hour ago, I wanted to call you and welcome you home but Tove tod me not to, where were you?". I looked down on the floor and said "Nickys place, some things have happened, I don't want to talk about it.". Krisen put a hand on my shoulder and said "okay then, let's go and eat." so we stepped into the kitchen were everyone was sitting already. Donna, Alan and Johan got up and gave me a hug and then they sat back down but before I sat down I walked over to Tove and hugged her. She looked really surprised but gave me a smile and I smiled back at her and sat down to eat.

After dinner I was sitting in the backyard thinking of calling Nicky and see how he was doing but then I heard the glassdoor open and close so I turned around and saw Jared walking towards me. He gave me a trying smile and when I smiled back he relaxed alittle. He came and sat down next to me by the pool and put his feet in it just like me. He said "I'm sorry, that's all I wanted to say. I'm sorry about the other day." I put my hand ontop of his and said "It's okay Jar. I know that you just wanted me to come home and I guess you did what the others wanted to do. I don't blame you. But i guess you aren't the only one who should apologize.". He looked at me with a confused face and said "What? What do you have to apologize for?". I sighed and said "I'm sorry for every pain that i have caused you. I just have to know one thing, do you still have feelings for me?". Now it was his turn to sigh, he pulled away his hand and said "Yes. I do, I love you madde. I never stopped, I just want to be with you all the time and to see you with Nicky... it's so hard." I looked at him and said "I'm sorry. I can understand that it's hard, believe me. But babe, I'm sorry I don't love you in that way anymore.". He looked at me with sad eyes and asked "So there is no hope for us?" I said "I don't know Jared. The thing is I don't want you to wait for me, you deserve someone way better then me and I just want you to be happy. And if this whole FB thing is breaking your heart then we should stop.". He shook his head and said "there is no one better then you. I don't want to love anyone else. i'm okay, atleast I can be near you and hold you and be there for you. But can I ask you something...?". I nodded and he said "When we have sex, do you think about nicky then?" he looked down when he asked that, like he was embarrassed asking it. I took his hand and looked him in the eyes and said "No jared, I would never do that. When I'm with you, I am with you completely. there is no one else on my mind but you and that hot body of yours.". He gave me a crocked smile and said "Good." then he gave me a deep kiss and when our lips let go I said "I don't want to cause you anymore pain Jared, so please tell me if you can't take it anymore. Because then we should stop." He kissed me again and said "I'm okay, I promis. And I will tell you, don't worry.". I gave him a hug and then a kiss on his head and then I left him with his thoughts and walked back inside.

Well, all I did then was to go up to my room and blog, so I think I'm going to wrap this up now and call Nicky and Shane and see how they are doing.

Take care
Love
Madde