What the fuck is wrong with 2009!!!

Hello!

Madde is finally home which I'm really happy for! :D As Madde wroth yesterday I was appreantly even scary because I was so happy :P But it was so great!
Intill she told Nico was here too... Jensen talked me into leting him sleep here for just one night, even thougt I hated that thought, I acutally considered go and thrwo him out the house in the middle of the night but Jensen didn't let me! And now Madde thinks I'm a bitch agian.. it feels like we will never stop fighting..

Well 2009 hasn't been a good year for me at all.. and it will apprently countinue that bad road..
Well let's start from the beginig of the day.

I hadn't been sleeping anything at all tonight, so I walked down pretty early and I saw Nico lying in the sofa but it did looked like he was sleeping but I wasn't going to talk to even though I REALLY wanted to go over there and yell at him but I had promised Madde I would take it easy and the only way I can do that is to ignore him.
So I made coffee and sat down and strarted to drink it and read the morning paper. After a an hour or so I heard steps walking into the kitchen so I looked up from the paper and saw Jerry. I said " Some one is up early" He told me that he could sleep, and then he started to do breakfast and then he sat down on teh otherside of the table without a word while I conutie reading. After 10 minuts he hawk and said carefully " i'm sorry" I looked up from the paper and looked at him instead and he said " I'm so sorry for telling you that I wanted you dead because that is not true at all, Madde is right we should be happy that we have you as our sister and appreciated it more then we do.. It's just that you have always been there for us when ever we needed you and we just take you for granted and always think you will be there, but if we conutine as we did and especially as I did then you won't be there anymore and I need you! Can you forgive me? And sorry for calling you a bitch too!" I smiled and said " Of course I forgive you honey, and I know you didn't mean it but it's means a lot that you are apologizeing to me now and that means that you are starting to grow up" He smiled and said " Thanks, and by the way if mum would die which I don't hope but if then I want you to be our new mum and take care of all of us since you kind of all reday are taking care of us. " I said " God hope mum dosn't die for everyone sake but especally my sake then! You should know that you all are a pain in the ass " I laughted and so did Jerry and he walked aroun dteh table towards me and gave me a hug and said " I love you sis and thanks for everything you are doing " I smiled and said " I love you too littlebro, your welcome" Then I gave him a kiss on his cheek but then he pulled away and said " You said I was growing up so stop kissing me " I just laughted at him.

After a while My came running down into the kitchen and she asked me to help her with her breakfast and I said " So you are talking to me again, huh?" My just said " Yes she is hoe again " Then I smiled and helped her with the breakfast, apprently almost everyone had woked yp early here, because while helped My, Jess, Tim and Emil walked into the kitchen to eat and when I carried Mys sandwiches to the table Jensen walked into the kitchen and said good morninga and looked at me and said " Are you acutally eating that? " I said " No I wish it's Mys" I put it down on the table and walked over to Jensen and gave him a kiss, when we let go he was still holding me really thight to him and he said quitly " When I woke up I exspected you to still be in bed with me so I could touch that sexy body of yours and kiss you where ever I want and.. " Then Emil intterupted and said " No porno talk in the kitchen we are eating " Then everybody started to laugh. Then Jensen gave a really passionet and romantic kiss and when our lips let go I smiled and asked " What was that for? What have I do to dervre that kiss? " He smiled and said " Just for being here for me everyday, and loving me, and for making me feel happy about life " I smiled and Jess said " You two are just so cute"I smiled and so did Jensen. He is an amazing guy I'm so lucky!

After a while Madde walked into the kitchen and everyone just smiles at her and then she told us that she was going to go with Nico home and that she would proablt be there the rest of the day. Then she said goodybye and left. And evreyone just started to talk agian and after a while I started to feel nauseous like I have been doing this past days, so I walked into the bathromm and throw up without doig it myself.

Madde asked me if I was pregnate the otherday since I'm feeling sick all the time, but I didn't answer. To be honest I have acutally done two home pregnancy test for about two days ago and what do you think they showed? Yeah that's right they where fucking positive! I can't belive it, contraceptives are supposed to me 98% safe but what the fuck I have been pregante two time this years! I starting to think that it's something wrong with my coil! But since home pregnancy tests isn't 100 % reliable I have to go the teh hospital to cheak for real someday! This unbeliveble!!
I havn't told anyone yet not even Jensen know, and I don't know how I will tell him or even if I will tell him... Because I really don't want a kid right now, and since I know him he will fight that we wil keep thsi baby, and since it's not liek last time I was pregnate thet the father was Tommy who raped me this time it's my boyfreind that I love more then everything and who wants kids right now, so this is sadly no not just my destion.. but hopefully there is no baby!! What the hell is wrong with this year!! I'm haveing such anxiety right now about what I will do , if I will tell Jensen our not! I know it I should tell Jensen but it feels so horible to let him down becasue I know how happy he would be and would try to talk me into keepen it and I don't want that. And Jensen would be devastated if I did an abortion.
But at the same time it feel so wrong not to tell him since he probably would find out sometimes and then he will just get disappointed... What should I do?
And I remebere when I did my last abortion I thought that was awful and then it was just Tommy who was the father and now.. it's Jensen that I love with my whole heart and want to speand the rest of my life with. I can't stop thinking about this.. Right now when I'm writing this I'm doing something that I really should do... but the only thing that can make me feel better, and maybe you all ready know what I'm talking about if not then I can tell you that I mean one of my vodka bottle who I'm holding in my hand, so I'm drinking away my problems even thought I know it dosn't work. And it's not goood for my liver, and maybe not for the baby eitherb but who cares, and maybe I will get a miscarriage then I don't have to go to gynaecologist...
I was on my way to go and talk to Madde about this I even stood outside her room for a minut or so but I couldn't.. I don't know what she would say eiether since she wants me and Jensen to have kids but I odn't know what she would say if it was really happining.. so that's why I'm telling her here instead. I'm sorry honey I just couldn't tell you, plz help me? I don't know what to do...
But I'm still not sure if I'm preagnate but I have all the sign, like morning sickness, sore boobs and I think they are alittle bigger too, and I can't stand some smells.. so I'm probably am preganate... I can't belive this!

Well to something else after breakfast I walked outside in my bikine sinec it was great weather and laied down in the sun and after a while My and the other kids ran into the pool. I just lie there looking at them playing and then all teh sudden Jensen got on top of me and started to kiss me while I strok his bare back. then Emil shouted " Get a room" Jensen just smiled and continue kissing me. When he let go he smiled and laied down next to me on the sunchair and he laied his arm under my head, he kissed my head I closed my eyes and we just laied there intill we heard Emils, Mys and Jerrys voice close to us and we looked up and then we just saw a big bucket of water and then before I had teh chnace to think tey poured it over us, I screamed and they laughted like crazy. Then Jensen ran up and started to chase them around and lauging, while I was mostly just irratated! Well they had fun anyway..

I walked upstairs to chance clothes after a while a wet Jensen walked into the room too. I was just wearing a bra and panties, I could see that Jensen cheeked me out since his eyes wasn't on my face and then he smiled and walked over to me and gave me a kiss and said " You are soooo hot! I just want to ripe your clothes off" I smiled and said " Are you starting to get to horny now, was it to long since you got to come? " He said " Yeah it's more then a week! " I laughted and said " I know, but maybe tonight we can have some fun " He said " Do I have to wait so long?" I smiled and said " Yeah I have to make dinner" He sign and started to get dressed while I walked down stairs.

While I was cooking the front door open and Madde walked into the kitchen and I asked why she was home now since I thought she was going to speand all day with Nico. She said " Well Shane showed up as a suprised to be here for Nico so I thought that they wnated to talk by themself. " When diiner was done I told the kids and we sat down at the table and started to eat and talk.
But Jensen was apprently a little to horney to keep his hand on the right place. So under dinner he started to strok my thigh with his hand and after a while his hand ahd movied from my thing to between my legs after a few ninuts I took my hand and took away his hand while I was talking to madde, then he just took my hand and put it on his thigh so I would strok it. Which I did for a long while he took a grip of my hand and put it outside of his jeanse on his beast, I could feel that it was pretty hard all ready so I started to caress that and I could feel on the outside of his jeans with my hand how it started to get stifer and bigger and he started to sit up more. Then the kids asked if they could go from the table and I said yes so they ran away outside again, so it was just me, tim, Jess, Madde and Jensen left. After while Jensen took away my hand because I think he started to get to excited, I looked at him and smiled and he gave me a medningful smile back and stood up and said that I would take care of the dishes later, because I wanted was going upstairs to rest since I hadn't sleep anything at all tonight, then I gave Jensen a fast glare and took a few steps then Jensen said " Do you want compaine, since I know you sleeps better when I'm there " I smiled and said " Sure, why not" He stood up and took a few steps towards me and took my hand and he looked me into the eyes and I could see how he just wanted to ripe my clothes off. I smiled and Madde said " Sure that you two are just going to rest, I have seen how you are looking at each other" I said " Yes we are just going to rest " Madde said " Yeah right, so you have nothing aginst if I join you two ? " I said " No not at all, are you coming? " Madde said " No I think I pass, I'm not really into threeways as you are " Both jess and Tim looked at me and I said " Thanks Madde for sharing my sexlife " Madde smiled and said " No problems" Then Jensen squeeze my hand harder and draged me up stairs.

When we walked into our room he started to kiss me and undress me, he took of my shirt and my shorts and kissed my neck while I got a grip of his shirt and pulled it over his head and started to undo his pants and pull them off, I took of his boxers too and he was still hard he unhooked my bra and throw it on the floor and started to kiss my boob while his hand wanderd down under my pantis and strok my ass and pulled them off.
Then he kissed my lips and looked me into my eyes and smiled I smiled back and kissed him then he pressed me againt the wall and lifted me up so I had my legs around his waist in a grip and then he put it inside of me and started to go slow and I started to moan right the way since it was so hard and deep inside of me. He smiled and kissed me then he started to go faster but still hard and deep, so good! I strok his back and moan and after a few minuts he look it out of me and put me down and he took my hand and he sat down on the bed side and I walked towards him and sat down on my knees on the floor and took a geantly grip around his big freind and stared to movie it beween my hand, he started to moan and I started to use my lips and tonuge instead and he started to moan laughter and laughter and after a while he moan and said " I'm coming soon " I took it out of my month and said " I will let you come if you are sure that you can continue again afterwards? " He smiled and said " Yes with alittle help I can " I smiled ans started to use my hand agian while I strok his thigh and after a minut or so he got all teanse and came. I looked at him and smiled and I countinued moving it in my hand, but it wasn't as hard now since he had just ahve came but after a couple a minuts he started to harden up again, so I took it between my lips intill it was stiffe enough. Then I stood up and sat down on top of him and helped with my hand to put it inside again and I started to move and Jensen carness my boobs with his hand. Then I took my hands on his cheast and pushed him down on the bed then I countine moving and he smiled and I smiled back and movied my hair who was in my face and lead down to kiss him. Then he rolled us around so he got on top and and he started to go faster and I starte dto moan more. He smiled and then he pulled it out and started to kiss my stomach and down and put a few fingers inside of me and started to move them and it was so amazing! Then he did something I like even better he started to use his tonuge and I after a minust or so I came and he conutinud with his tonuge for a while then he kissed his was up to my lips and put his beast in. And started to go slow but hard, when I started to moan and so did he then he started to faster, and after 5 minuts I came again and after a few second s so did he inside of me. Then he pulled it out and laied down next to me and I rested my head on his sweaty cheat and he kissed my hair. I took his hand and kissed it and then I looked at and saw that the time was over seaven and I had promised My that I would play a game with her before bed so i sat up in the bed, Jensen strok my back then he tooka grip on my arm and pulled me back down and started to kiss me, after a while I pushed him away alittle with my hands and said I had to get dressed to got to My. He smiled and said " You are ditching me all nakned in the bed for your sister? " I laughted and said " Yes I'm, get use to it since you wants kids. " He smiled and sat up to and started to get dressed.

When we walked downstairs we meet Madde in the livingroom watching Bolibompa with My.
Madde looked at us and gave me a cheey smile and said " So how was your nap? " I said " Like a nap always is, slow " Madde looked at Jensen and then at me and laughted and said " Was he that bad at napping? " I said " What we didn't do anything " Madde smiled and said " Yeah right " Jensen said " You have no proof " Madde laughted and said " Maybe I heard you two " I said " Yeah right we didn't do anything " Madde just laughted then we sat down next to her and then My asked if we should play that game now and I said yes and then she looked at Madde and Jensen and asked if they wanted to join us and they said yes. I just gave out a aload sign and both Madde and Jensen looked at me asked what was wrong and I said " I kind of hate playing games with you too I just get irratated since you two are the worsed losers ever!" They just laughted at me, idoits!
Then My choosed a game and we started to play and the first time My won, and I could see that Madde and Jensen got angry for that and especially when My come up with er own rules, Both Madde and Jensen was on there way saying something to her I could see it in there irratated eyes, so I said quitly to them " 5! Remebere 5 years old " And the next time I won and then I got a really angry glare from those idots, and My wanted to play another time but I don't know if Madde and Jensnen could handel that so I told My that it was time for bed. She looked at me and said " I don't want to go to bed now! " I said " You have too if you argu more then you will never be awake after your bedtime again, I can read you two storys even " My said " Fine.. but I want Jensen to read for me" Jensen smiled and looked so happy and stood up and picked her up and gave her a hug then they walked upstairs.
My and Madde sat in the sofa and we hadn't really talked alone after everything since the dinner at Niklas. So we talke a while and avioded the subject Nico as much as possible. After a few minuts Madde cell called and she looked who it was and I could see that it was Nicky on the look of her face, she said " I have too.." I didn't answer I just walekd away and then throw the front door.

I walked a while then I thought I should go to say hi to Sara and Zara since they came home yesterady. So I walked over to Niklas place where they where staying and knocked on the door. Niklas opend and he said hi and told me they where in the livingroom, so I walked in there and they where siting in the sofa waching tv or trying anyway to think about something else. Sara saw me and walked towards me and I gave her a hug, when we let go Zara stood up and Sara was right she really looked
like wreak and I walked towards her without saying anything, then he tear ran down her cheek so I justlayed my arms around her and gave her a soft hug when I let go her cheeks was all wet so I took my and and dryed away a few tears. We sat down and we didn't say anything for a while then Zaras phone called and she picked it up from the table and looked who it was then she just hit the reject buttom and laied it down on the tabel again, both me and Sara looked at her and I asked " Was it him.." She just nodded and said " He called this morning too.. and I acutally picked up and he waas crying and then I just snapped and said that he had nothing to cry about and all that and then I asked if he was still seeing.. M.. her and he didn't answer so I took that as a yes, then I told him that I wouldn't talk to him intill promis that eh stop seeing her. Then I hang up.. and since then he had called me like 10 times.. I just hope she didn't sleep next to him... or with him.. " I inturpted and said " I know she didn't sleep with him in anyway.. I'm so sorry Zara but he sleeped in our house last night, which I wasn't ahppy about and I throw him about the first thing this morning " Zara said "It's okay " I took her hand and she started to cry again, so I gave her a hug and she cr ied her eyes out then her phone called agian and she picked it up and I saw it was Kim this time so she dried her tears away and hawk to get here voice normal and answerd " Hey hone!" And she sounded like her old her agian, and she said to Kim " I'm at Niklas and Saras place, when I get home? Honey can't you go and get your sister and brother and come over here we need to talk. " Then they hang up. Then Niklas walked into the livingroom and asked if we wanted something and Sara said " No honey we are okay " But zara said " I need a drink, or rather the whole bottle, do you have some vodka or something else who is strong? " Sara looked at her and said " Zara come on you don't need that it want help" Zara said " Yes I'm going to have the worse convistion ever with the kids so yes I need it. Niklas please " He walked away and came back with a big bottle and glass and gave it to Zara. And she started to drink her first glass.
After 30 minuts her kids arrived and walked into the livingroom Zara stood up and walked over to them and now she was like so normal.
Me and sara walked into the kitchen to give them so privcy and I heard her tell them
that her and Nico was fighting and thet they couldn't stay there now, then I heard Emma asked " It's becasue of that slut right, Madde?!" Zara said firmly " Don't you ever use that word again! " Emma just ignored that and asked " So it is?! Zara didn't answer, then David said " can't I see him?" Zara said " Yes honey of course you can..if you want to " David asked " Can I call him and ask him to come over her a quiky? " Zara didn't answer and me and Sara walked over there and sara whipserd to Zara " You don't have to" Zara said " Yes I do, they wants to meet there father what can I do.. " Zara looked at david and said " Yeah you can call him... " So he did and Nico said he would come over. So we waited and I could see how horrible Zara think this was, and after a while it knocked on the door.
And david ran towards it happy and open it, and he gave Nico a hug huge and then he asked " Dad why do you look like that, are you sick" Then kim gave him a hug to, while Emma refused to do it. Zara was still in the living room and then David asked Nico why they where fighting and Nico didn't answer so Emma said angry " It's because of that fucking slut also called Madde!! I hate her! " Then Nico said angry and hurt " Don't call her that it's not her fauilt! Don't blame her! " Then Emma said " So it's your fauilt isn't her who is inlove with you! What the hell have you done to hurt mum?!" Nicky said angry " No it isn't, I'm inlove with her too!!" Then all kids just frooze and then Nico looked like he was going to start to cry becasue I think he realized what he just have tol dhis kids. After a minut David started to cry and ran towards him and started to hit him as hard he could and yell " I hate you!! You should love mum not her!! I never want to see you again!! You are not my father! Go!!! " Then Zara walked into the hall and she said camly David come here " He ran towards her crying and he huged her and cried like crazy.Zara looked up at Nico and gave him a glare which said everything wbout how she is feeling. I could see how angry Sara was getting and she was kust going to say something, but I stopped and said " I think it's better if you leave now! " He looked at me and then at Zara who looked so sad then at the kids then he turned around and walked throw the door.
David cryed even more, then Emma and Kim walked over to Zara and david and huged them too. Then teh kids wanted something to eat so zara fixed that and then I relized that I needed to go home so I gave Zara and Sara a hug and the kids too and said goodbye and left.

On the way home I started to think and I can't belive that Nico hurt his kids that much I can't belive him!!! I'm so fucking angry with him!! And I don't think that he really wants to fix there realtionship since he want do anything for it, like stop seening Madde! But no!! I would have killed my boyfreind if he was still seeing the woman he was inlove with! If he wantäs so fix this he need to take some time a part from Madde otherwise it will be the end of Zara and Nico!

Well that was happend today, and now I'm siting in my room writhing and drinking away my problems. While Jensen is watching a move with Madde since Shane is here now he an also take care of Nico. Jensen asked if I wanted to watch with them but i said that I was exhausted, which I'm and which also is a sign o pregnatecy... God help me! Let's hope for the best but I doubt it..
Well hope you have a nice evening!
Take care!
Kisses
Tove