Please

Hey the bitch Madde here, the one who always hurts the people she loves and now she has broken the heart of her best friend and now she never wants to see Madde anymore.. I don't know what do to, I hate myself so much and I miss Tove like crazy adn just want her to come home so that we can talk about this and try and figure this out.

I'm not going to write anything in this inlay so that you will feel sorry for me because I really don't want anyone to pitty me because I don't deserve it. I hate mysefl and I want the rest of the world to hate me too and I want tove to hate me even though she says that she loves me, I don't get that. First let me tell you about yetserday...

I spent most of my day in my room, Jared came into it and hung out with me for a while but then sara stopped by and we talked for a while and then it was dinner so she left and went home to Niklas, zara and Tove. I went downstairs and walked into the kitchen where everyone except Jensen was, he had been spending all day in his room. Everyone looked at me with hate and disappointment in their eyes but I sat down on my seat next to Jared without a word. He was the only one who didn't stare at me with eyes like the rest of them insted he patted my thigh under the table and gave me a soft look. I just looked down on the table and took a sip from my waterglass. When everyone had taken their seat we heard footsteps in the stairs and then Jensen showed up in the doorway. His eyes were swollen and red from all the crying and just as he was about to walk in and take a seat Krisen said "You will not eat here. Jensen Ackles you are not welcome here anymore, leave now please.". I looked up and stared at her and then I looked at Jensen adn he just stood there looking at her like he didn't understand and then she looked back at him and said "I said that you are not welcome here anymore, and if I could throw Madde out too I would.". When she said that she looked at me with anger and I looked down on the table then she turned back to Jensen and said "What are you still doing here Jensen?". I looked at him and saw tears faling down his face, he looked at me and said "Madde?" then Krisen looked at me even angrier and I shook my head and a tear fell down my cheek too and I said "I'm sorry.". He looked at me so helpless and more tear fell down my face then My ran up from her chair just as Jensen was about to turn around and she ran into his legs and hugged them. Jensen sat down on the floor and hugged her while he was crying and she said "You can't leave!" Jensen looked at her and said "I'm sorry My, I love you honey but I have to leave.". She started to cry real bad and and tried to convince him to stay, I could see how hard it was for Jensen to hear her say all those things and see her so sad so I got up and walked over to them. Jensen looked up at me and I bit my lip and picked My up and she threw her arms around my neck and cried. Jensen stood up and I looked at him and mimed "I'm so sorry." and then I walked back to my seat and Jensen looked once again on everyone and stopped on Jared who just stared at him and then he walk out through the front door and slammed it shut. I put My down adn she immediately started to yell at Krisen from throwing Jensen out. I just closed my eyes and sat there trying to stop crying but then Krisen got angry and said to My "I could have thrown Madde out too and I would really want to do that!". I opened my eyes adn looked into hers and I could tell she really meant it so I got up and ran upstairs and into my room while crying.

I threw myself on the bed and cried but then I thought I should try adn call Tove and tell her about what happened so I did but she didn't pick up, not that I thought she would but still. I hung up and buried my face in the pillow and cried but then someone knocked on the door and I hoped it would be Jared so I told the person to come in but then Tim stood in the doorway looking at me. I sat up but tears were still falling down my face and he said "I can't believe you... How on earth can I be in love with a bitch like you? I bet you are crying right now because Jensen got thrown out and not because what the two of you did to tove!". I just sat there taking it all in althought it wasn't true but I knew that arguing with him would just make it worse. He said "Say something then! Or can the slut not defend herself? But that's right, there is nothing you can say that would justify what you did.". But then Jared stood behind him and said "I know you are angry with her Tim, but I will not let you call her all those things. And I know why you are in love with her because I am too, even though she makes mistakes and this time a big one she is still an amazing woman, one of a kind.". Tim just turned around and yelled "I can't believe you are fine with them hurting Tove! And I don't love her anymore, I loathe her right now!". Then he gave me an evil eye and left. I looked down on the floor and Jared asked if I was okay and I said "No I'm not.. you should have let him call me all those things because that is what I am... A lying, cheating skank who will just hurt her friends. I'm a bitch, a whore and a slut... don't deny that.". Jared sat down next to me adn said "Even if you hurt your friends and make huge mistakes I still love you and i will not let people call you things like that... you are not a bitch, not a slut and not a whore.". I just stared at him like he was stupid and then I just laid down on the bed and closed my eyes, Jared laid down next to me and lifted me up and laid me down on his chest and began to stroke my hair and back. It felt really good but at the same time I wanted him to leave because I felt so guilty that Tove didn't have anyone to hold her like he holds me... And that is all my fault.

Eventhough Jared fell asleep I couldn't... I didn't sleep at all insted I left Jared in bed and walked down the stairs and sat down in the kitchen and took a glass of water. After alittle while I heard footsteps in the staircase but I stayed in the kitchen in the dark but then the person turned the light on and Johan stood in the doorway. He said "Geez, you scare me... are you okay?" I sighed and said "Sorry Johan... not really, I don't ever want to be okay either... not aslong as Tove isn't fine.". Johan sat down next to me and was just about to say something but I said "No offence Johan but I don't really want to talk.". He just nodded and I got up and when I walked pass him I put a hand on his shoulder and he patted my hand and then I went into the hallway and put some shoes on and walked outside. It was pitch black outside because the clock was just 3.30 in the morning but I just walked along the road with no real destination but then all of the sudden I was outside a house that I know so well. All the windows were black and everyone in the building was sleeping. I sat down under a streetlamp opposite the house and looked at it for a while. All of the sudden a few lads biked by me and laught and had a good time... good friends... God I miss my best friend. I took a deep breath and got up and walked across the road and walked up to the door and knocked on it. I didn't think anyone would hear it but then I heard footsteps from inside and then someone unlocked the door and a sleepy Shane opened the door. When he saw me he got a bit shocked and said "Madde? What's up? What are you doing here and 4 in the morning?" I said "Hi Shane sorry if I woke you up... Is nicky home?". He said "It's okay, I was going to the bathroom anyway... Yeah he is sleeping, but you know where his room is. Come on in.". He opened the door alittle bit more and I walked by him and entered the house. We both walked upstairs and Shane went into the bathroom and I walked over to the closed door that lead to Nickys room. I didn't knock on the door I just opened it and peeked, Nicky was lying in his bed sleeping, he looked so peaceful and calm. I walked inside and closed the door behind me, the streetlight outside his room lit it up so that I could still see. I walked over to his bed and looked down on him and then I sat down on the floor and leaned back against the bed. I felt tears welling up in my eyes and I let them fall down my face, I cried in silence because of everything I have done... I hurt the one person who has always beedn there for me and I broke up a realtionship that was supposed to last for ever and ever. I cried even more and then I heard a voice behind me said "Madde? Is that you honey?". I stopped crying and turned my head around and looked into Nickys face, but then I just turned it back and continued crying. Nicky got up from bed and sat down on the floor infront of me and pulled me into a hug. I just pushed him away and siad "I don't deserve you! I don't deserve your love or your help... I don't even know why I came here.". Nicky looked at me and said "I don't care if you don't deserve my love or help because I can't stop loving you and I will alwyas be here for you. I'm not leaving you." I cried "I will only hurt you, just like I hurt Tove!". Once again he tried to hug me but I pushed him away but he took a hold of my arms and looked me in the eyes and said "I will not defend what you did becuse it was so wrong,but I don't care if you hurt me... that will just make us even.". I just looked at him and said "I hate myself! How could I do that to Tove?!" he shook his head and hugged me and this time I let him. He pulled me closer so that I was alomst sitting on his lap and he said "I get that you do but I don't, I'm not proud of you but I still love you. I don't know either how you could do that to her, what were you thinking?". I cried against his shoulder and if he had worn a shirt it would have been totally wet and I said "I don't know, I wasn't thinking. He took my by surprise but I should have pushed him away. Why didn't I push him away?!". He sighed and just rocked me alittle and tried to calm me down, when I didn't have anything more to cry we looked at the clock and it was 5.15. I siad "i'm sorry that i came here and woke you up." he shook his head and said "You are always welcome here, I will always be here for you no matter what.". Then he stood up and pulled me up with him and we laied down on the bed and he stroke my hair and I felt how exhausted I was and then I fell asleep.

When I woke up 3 hours later Nicky wasn't there anymore so I stayed in bed but then the door opened and Nicky said "You're awake. I was just going to come and wake you up... Sara is here.". I closed my eyes and then I said "And now she is angry as hell with me too because I'm here with you." he walked over to me and sat down on the bedside and stroke some hair away from my face and said "No she isn't angry... I've talked to her and she just wants to talk to you.". I nodded and got ut of bed but before I left the room I turned to Nicky and said "Thank you, you are way to much then I deserve.". He shook his head and said "Like I said before, I don't care if you deserve me or not... I'm not going anywhere." I gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek and then we walked downstairs and found Sara in the kitchen with Shane and Kian. She stood up when she saw me and gave me a hug and then Shane handed me a cup of coffee and we sat back down and talked for a while. I asked how Tove was but Sara just said "how do you think?" I nodded and a tear fell down my cheek, Nicky placed a comforting hand on my back put I just pushed it away and Sara gave me a wierd look. I guess she never thought I would push Nicky away... I told Sara what had happened last night and she said "God, I don't think Tove is going to be so happy to hear that... But I guess Jensen deservs it.". I shook my head and said "I tried to call her and tell her but she doesn't want to talk to me... I guess... I wish she had thrown me out to because I don't deserve to stay there either... She said she would want to.". Nicky said shockingly "She said that?! That she wants to throw you out?" I just nodded and Sara said "Well, she wouldn't right? where would you go?". I shook my head and said "i don't know... maybe she would, I deserve it. A hotell, but I don't have any money so I guess I will have to stay on the streets... that is where I belong..". All of them said "Don't be stupid!" I said "After what i did to my best friend I don't deserve anything anymore then that, I don't even deserve to live, and don't you guys pitty me because then I'm out of here!". Shane sighed and shook his head and then Nicky said "You know alot of people in this town that you can stay at and you know that these doors are always open for you.". I looked at him and saw the honesty in his eyes and i said "I know but how happy do you think Zara will be then?" then all of the sudden sara said "Don't worry... if it comes to that I will talk to her, not that i'm fin with the two of you... I still hate it but like tove said, you need some friends and you and nicky are close and he knows you in a way that i don't so...". I gave her a thankful look and Nicky said "Thank you Sara." and she just nodded. We talked for a while longer and then my phone rang and it was Jared who asked where I had gone. I told him that I was at Nickys but that I would be home soon and he said okay and then we hung up. After another hour I gave the lads a hug and before I left Nicky said "Madde, I'm here for you if you need to talk or just a shoulder to cry on." I nodded and hugged him agian and he kissed my cheek and I left. Sara had already gone because Zara had called her and asked her to come home.

I walked the 15 minutes home and when I entered the door I met Jessica hand in hand with Mikael... jess just looked at me and walked pass and Mikael gave me a scared look and followed jess upstairs. I sighed and heard jessicas door close and then I walked up and knocked on it and then I opened the door. They were sitting on the bed and Jess had a photoalbum in her lap and when I opened the door she just stared at me and said "Go away!". I sighed and said "he is not staying here." but jess just ignored me and I said "Jessica did you hear me?" then she yelled "You are not my mother or bigsister! You are a whore and I hate you!!!". Then she walked up to me and pushed me out the door and closed it. I took a deep breath and then I said "Tove would say the same thing that he is not allowed here!" but no one from inside reacted so I picked up my phone and tried to call Tove but of course she didn't pick up. But then I thought that I could text her so I namned the text "Mikael" and wrote that he was here because then she would have to answer or atleast call Jess. After a few minutes I got a text back with the words "Throw him out!" so I opened the door and said "I've talked to Tove and she told me to throw him out.". Once again she just ignored me and when Mikael was about to leave the bed she just pulled him back down and stared at me. I sighed and texted Tove again and wrote "She isn't listening... sorry but there is nothing I can do. Call her." and after a few minutes jessicas cellphone rang and she started to argue with Tove. Apperiantly Tove got her to understand that she wanted Mikael to leave because when she had hung up she took Mikaels hand and they walked downstairs and out threw the front door. I sighed and walked back to my room and texted tove "Please pick up, I have to talk to you." but all I resived was "No!". I laid down on my bed and put on my Ipod and the first song was Michael Jacksons "Remember the time"and I just thought back to mine and Toves childhood and how great everything was. Tears started to fall down my cheeks again but I wiped them away and told myself to stop crying because it wouldn't help and it was my own fault. All of the sudden my phone rang and I threw myself on it and answered "Tove!?" but then I heard a weak voice "No it's me.". Jensen sounded so little and sad and I asked what he wanted and he said "I have to talk to you, can't you come here or can we meet somewhere else?". I sighed and said "No Jensen, I'm sorry but I can't..." then he said "But what am I suppose to do, she won't pick up!". I said "She won't answer my calls either... but I'm sorry Jensen I can't see you, not now." he just said "okay fine." and then we hung up.¨.

I put the phone down and just laid there, the clock was about 14.30 but I wished it was 22.00 so that the day would end. Someone knocked on the door so I told whoever it was to come in and Jared opened the door. I sat up and looked at him and he just walked over and pulled me on my feet and hugged me. He was wearing a hood that was open so I put my arms around him inside it and felt every muscle in his torso. He stroke my hair and back and I buried my face in his chest and we just stood there. After a while we broke the hug and sat down on the bed and i said "Why can't you be angry with me?" he looked at me like I was crazy and then I said "I hurt you... so why?". He said "I love you and yes you hurt me but when we were together I wasn't really the ideal boyfriend either. I'm not angry I'm just disappointed but I can't stay away from you so I guess you could call me a masochist.". I said "I don't deserve you and you were a good boyfriend and..... I miss you.", he smiled softly and said "I'm the one who doesn't deserve you. I miss you too.". He gave me a soft but loving kiss and then I said "But you are really angry with Jensen aren't you?" he sighed and said "Yes, he broke my heart more then you did because you and I aren't together but he knows how I feel about you and that I want you back and he has said so many times that I should take a chance and things like that... but now he took you insted...". I put my hand on his cheek and looked him in the eyes and said "Try and talk to him, I know that there aren't anything he or me can say to justify what happened but talk to him Jared. He misses you and you need him, I know you do.". He closed his eyes and sighed and siad "Fine I'll talk to him and I do need him and miss him alot... He is my best friend and the thing is we can't afford to be angry with each other... it wouldn't be good for work becuase we need the chemistry.". I said "I know, so talk to him. Please." he nodded and I pressed my lips against his and then we laid down and both of us fell asleep.

We woke up by someone knocking on the door so I said come in and Johan peeked in and said "Sorry that i interrupted but it's dinner." we just said "okay" and followed him downstairs. Everyone gave me an angry look and I think Tim was worse, but Jared put his arm around my waist and lead me to my chair and we began to eat. Once again I don't eat much so I mostly just sat there trying to be invisible althought that is impossible. Then My said "I miss Jensen and Tove! I want them home!" I looked at her and she looked really sad and then Krisen said "My please be quiet and eat your food.". But My just pushed her food away and siad "NO!" then I got up from my chair and walked over to her and sat down infront of her and she said "Madde, make Tove adn Jensen come home. I miss them.". I put a lock of hair back behind her ear and siad "I'm sorry darling but there is nothing I can do... I know you miss them´, so do I.". Then Tim said "Yeah but whos fault is it that they aren't here then!?" I just looked at him and said "CAn you please shut up because we really don't need to discuss this any further... And My honey, if you really want to see Jensen again I can take you too him and if you want to see tove I'm sure Jess or Tim can take you or mum.". My hugged me and said "I want to see Jensen!" then I said "Okay, I can take you to him tomorrow, I promis.". Then Tim said "Shoiudl you really go near him? maybe you can't keep your hands off?" I said "Tim can you shut up!? What happened happened and there is nothing we can do about it and if My wants to see Jensen she will!". Krisen siad "Tim stop it. But I don't know if I want My near Jensen." I stood up and stared at her and yelled "What the fuck!!! What can he do!!?? He would never and I mean NEVER do anything to hurt My, he loves her like his own doughter!!". My started to cry because I yelled at Krisen and I bent down and she wrapped her arms around my neck and I gave Tim and Krisen and angry stare and walked upstairs with My. I sat her down on her bed and said "Are you okay?" she nodded and said "I miss Tove and Jensen." I sighed and siad "So do I honey, so do i.". We sat there for awhile, My in my lap and I rocked her so that she would calm down. Then I said "Do you still hate me?" and she shook her head and siad "No, i love you Madde." I kissed her forehead and said "I love you too little sister.". After a while she actually fell asleep so I put her in bed and closed the door behind me and walked out of there. I walked into my room and called Jensen and told him and My and I would come over to the hotell tomorrow he said that he would love that and then we hung up and I laid down on my bed and watched some tv. Then I desided to blog and here i am now. I think I'm going to go to Jared and see what he is up to...

Tove, I'm so sorry and I know it won't help but please talk to me. I love you!

Tove will blog tomorrow.
Take care
Love
Madde