Love you forever!

Heya!

How are y'all?? I don't even know the asnwer to that question myself... One part of me is happy but one is trubbled, sad and alone. let me tell you about today.

When I woke up this morning I had a pit in my stomach after what tove wrote in her inlay yesterday about me having to choose between jared and nicky. I don't know what to do, I love nicky so much it's crazy and I always will love him but then there is jared.. He is one of the sweetest guys out there nad he has changed for the better now since we broke up. I'm starting to get my feelings for him back and to see him leave then would just kill me. But I know I hurt him and is unfair to him because let's face it, I'm useing him eventhough I don't mean too. It's to hard, sometimes I just wish i would wake up and notice that I'm not in love with either one of them and that I've turned gay. Anyway I just staied in bed for a while because I was thinking about all that and then I desided tht lying there and think wouldn't do me any good so I put on some clothes and went downstairs to take a walk. It was really early and very cold outside and dark but I just walked out and didn't care about the weather at all. I walked Nickys and my round and stopped at the bay as we use to do and sat down. I looked over the water and thought back to when all of this was just a bad dream, when nicky and I stood here, that chilly day in april and looked over the water and the atmosphere was just so amazing and I was so close at kissing him. I felt tears build up in my eyes but I still had a smile on my face and I saw all those great times with me and nicky flash before my eyes. When he was there for me when tove and I was fighting, when he was there for me with my dad and all that. on my birthday and he gave me the shopping day in dublin... our trip to ireland together, our first kiss when he saved me. When he was there for me when Tove was in the hospital and how sad and helpless he looked after my cutting and how badly I just wanted him to smile again. How he was there for me when Tove got kidnapped and how sad he got when I was shot... More tears fell down my cheeks as I thought about all the love and care and devotion I see in his eyes everytime I look into them. How he makes my heart pound and my cheeks redden for no reason when so ever. How vulnerable he realyl is and what an amazing man he is. I lost track of time as I sat there and thought about nicky and how much I miss him that I didn't even notice a man standing behind me untill he put a hand on my shoulder and asked "Are you okay?". I dried my tears away and looked at him and then he raised his eyebrows and said "Madde?" I stood up and said "Wow, Markus!". He smiled and hugged me and said "God it's been how long? I don't even remember." I alught and said "It's been years! How are you?". He said "yeah! I'm great! but hw are you? Sitting out here in the cold crying?". I felt more tears burn in my eyes when he said that so I just wiped my eyes and said "i'm okay, just having some problems right now..". He stroke my cheek and said "Let me guess, boys?" I smiled and said "how did you know?". He just laught and said "It's always boys with you, I've learned something after working as a driver for the Alexanderssons for a few years.". I smiled and said "You know, when you left me and Tove really missed you.". He stroke my cheek and said "Well I really missed you guy too. And of course all the times I had to come and pick you up at a party without your mother knowing.". i laught at the memory and said "Thse was the good times, no troubbles what so ever but now life is a mess.". We sat down and he asked why life was a mess and I told him about Nicky and Jared and all that and he said "Wow, that is a diffecult position I must say... So what are you going to do?". I shook my head and dried the tears that had falled during the story away and said "I don't know, I love nicky so much it hurt and I can't loose him... but I can't loose jared either especially not now when I maight be getting my feelings for him back.... Any idea of what to do?". He shook his head and said "Talk to both of them and explain how you feel and if one of thema re willing to back down then you know what to do.". I shook my head and looked over the water again and said "it's not that easy... Both of them loves me and I love both of them, I just wish i would love Jared more and nicky less but Nicky has stolen the key to my heart and I don't know how to get it back. Tove said that i have to choose and that if I choose Jared i have to take the key back from nicky and give it too jared but it's not so easy... I don't even know where Nicky has hidden it, I bet it's on a good spot.". Markus started to laugh and i just stared at him and siad "Dows my misery amuse you?" he stopped laughing and said "No of course not honey, i'm sorry. I'm really sorry that things are so hard for you." I asked him why he had laught and he said "Well you havn't changed a bit, you are still crazy about guys and you still have a little problem with seperating reality with fiction.". I just wrinkled my forehead and asked "What on earth are you talking about? Is age gettin to you?". He just laught and said "You are taling about the key to your heart as it would be an actual key. that is so cute." I just hit his arm and stared out over the water. Then he looked at his watch and said "Damn! I'm late. But hey honey, it was really good to see you again and if you want to why don't we get a coffee sometime and you can bring Tove along. I would love to see her. Send her my lov will ya? bye." and then he kissed my cheek, I smiled and said "It was really good to see you too Markus and I would love to take a coffee with you and so would tove. I will do that, bye.". He started to walk away but I kept looking at him and then he turned around and said "And honey, try and fix this boy troubble out!". I just smiled and waved at him and then I desided it was time to go home.

When I got back I noticed I had been out for about 3 hours and Jared was already in the kitchen eating breakfast. As soon as I saw him i just smiled and he looked up and smiled back at me and said "there you are, where have you been? I peeked into your room earlier but you weren't there.". I sat down infront of him and said "I needed some time to think so I took a walk." he nodded and continued to eat and then he said "I made yu some coffee.". I smiled and walked over to the coffemaker and poured the coffee into a cup and sat back down at the table and said "Tahnk you Jared.". he just smiled and continued to eat. After a while he said "So do you want to go and see jensen and tove later?" I just smiled and said "We shouldn't desturb them now... they are having a sex day today so tey don't want us there... they are celebrating that theya re a couple again.". Jared just started to laugh and said "Awesome! gotta say that I'm a bit jealous actually, I want that too." and then he gave me a cheesy smile. I just laught at him and said "Yeah I'm jealous too." he had just finished his sandwich and he stood up and walked over to me and gave me a deep passionated kiss. I felt shiver run down my spine and I put my hand behind his neck and kept his lips pressed against mine. But then all of the sudden we heard My say "EW!" Jared stopped kissing me and licked his lips and gave My a smiled. I didn't let go of his neck so he had to remove my hand by himself and then he said "I think it's easier to do that if you have a hotelroom all to yourself.". I nodded and cursed My for walking in just then because I was just getting into the whole kissing part. My sat down and jared asked if she wanted a sandwich so he made her one. I finished my coffee and gave jared a kiss and went upstairs and gave Sara a call. I asked her if she could come over and she said that she would just be a few minutes away. So after alittle while she knocked on my bedroom door and walked in, she gave me a hug and sat down on the bed next to me. Whn shesaw that I looked troubbled she said "Hey, what's going on sweety?" I put my hand on hers and siad "I need to talk to you and I need you not to get angry with me and try to see my side here.". She took a deep breath and said "this is about nicky isn't it?" i nodded and she just said "okay fine.". I took a deep breath and said "I know that you know that I love him, and I'm not saying it just because he is another one of my crushes, I really am in love with him. But I know that Zara is that too and I really hate myself for coming between them and all this that has happened.. So a week ago I told him that we can't spend so much time together and that he has to work things out with his kids atleast and now I havn't seen him in a week. All I've done is talk to him once yesterday on the phone and a few texts. So my question is; has he been trying to fix things with the kids?". Sara hadn't said antyhing at all but then she said "That is what i hate so much, that even thoug he has hur both you and Zara you both still loves him... But I'm rpoud of yu for telling him that and for staing away from him because I can undertsand that it can't be easy... I know how hard it is to stay away from Niklas because I love him so much. But I'm happy to tell you that he has been over everyday and hung out with the kids, atleast David.. so they are starting to be like usual but Kim is a harder nut to crack but he is getting somewhere with her too if David is with because they was out playing miniature golf the otherday and when they came back they were like bubbling with excitment. But then on the other hadn Emma doesn't even want to see him, she doesn't speak to him and when he comes over she just leaves the building. But he is really trying...". I let out a relieved sigh and smiled and said "Thank you, and yes it is really hard and I don't know how long more I can stay away, i'm sorry. But I'm so happy that he is getting somewhere wth the kids. Thank you so much for not getting angry with me.". She smiled and hugged me and said "be strong as long as you can... not that i like you two spending so much time together but I can tell that it's bringing both of you down so I guess you don't have to be apart all the time. And I'm tired to be angry with you so now I'm going to be here insted. I've actually missed you.". I smiled and said "Thank you Sara. I've miss you too!". I gave her another hug and then she said she had to go home again because she and Zara was going shopping.

When she had left I really didn't have anything to do.. I just walked around in the house and was so restless, I just wanted to do something. When I had walked in and out of the livingroom, where Jared was sitting, a few times he said "Can you please sit down or do something else?". I sat down in one of the armchairs and siad "I don't know what to do... do you want to go and box or something?". He looked at me and siad "I would love to but you can't box, you have broken your arm remember?" I looked down on the cast and got irritated with it and said "I have to get this bloody thing off me! I can't drive, I can't box, I can't do anything and it's driving me insane!!!". Jared just started to laugh and said "I feel so sorry for you honey!" I just stared at him and told him that he was a dick and then I just went out to the garden. It was so beautiful out there with the sun reflecting in the pool and everything. I laid down on one of the chairs and closed my eyes and felt the sun warm my skin. When I was so close at falling asleep someone started to lick my arm and I shoved Ebba away and told her to go and lay down somewhere, then I closed my eyes again and relaxed. But then someone came and kissed my lips and I said "Why can't people just leave me alone?" Jared said "I couldn't keep looing at you because your lips just pulled me closer even though I didn't want to and I just had to kiss them.". I looked at him and he gave me a soft smile and I couldn't help but smile back. He sat down on the chair next to mine and said "How are you?" i squinted and Jared was sitting just infront of the sun so I ahrdly saw him, I said "I'm okay... how about you?". He smiled and said "I'm just fine but I'm worried about you..". I sat up and put my hand on his cheek and said "You don't have to worry about me. Why do always everyone worry about me when there are far worse things to worry about?". He smiled and said "Beucase we love you, I guess you are talking about me, tove, jensen and the rest of the family." I nodded and said "And Nicky.... He is just like you, worry all the time, okay he alomost worries more then you because he is a worrier and you aren't.". He smiled and said "Yeha he worries too..." I said "Btw how did it go when you went and visited him?" he said "It went well, he is really trying hard to do as you asked but he has a problem and that is staying away from you. He told me that he has been sitting in his car across the street just waiting to get a glimpse of you. He really misses you...". I looked down on the floor and thought about Nicky and how much I missed him and then I said "I'm glad he is doing his best and that he has been strong enough to not come in and meet me... I miss him too... I'm sorry jared, I'm hurting you.". He sat down infront of me and took my hands and looked me in the eyes and said "I knowy uo miss him and you aren't hurting me don't worry. I love you madde and I always will... But I also know that you will always love nicky no matter what but I can't stop hoping that your feelings for him might cool off a bit anyway and the feelings you have for me witll grow stronger...". I said "I always worry about you. I don't want to lead you on with saying this but I think that... or I know that the feelings I once had for you is starting to come back but I don't know what will happen when I see nicky again...". He kissed my hand and siad "You aren't leading me on, I know that it's a long shot but even if you let me go I will always wait for you to come back... Tove might say that it's not fair to me that you are in love with nicky and are still keeping me here but how fair is it for any girl i might date latr that I'm still deeply and madly in love with you?". I shook my head and siad "But you will get over me..." then it was his time to shake his head and he took my head between his two hands and said "I will never get over you even if I want to. Don't you think I have tried?". I felt tears gurn in my eyes and he kissed my forehead and I let them fall. I said "I... I love you Jared." he smiled and said "I love you too." then he gave me a loving kiss and laid down on his chair and made room for me so I got up and laid down next to him and rested my head on his chest and he wrapped his arms around me. It felt so safe and I have really missed him alot even if I love Nicky.

When we had been lying there for like an hour the sun had disappeard behind a tree and it got pretty chilly outside so we walked in and sat down in the livingroom insted and then Jared said "Oh come on we can interrupt Jensen adn Tove.". I just smiled and said "No Jared, don't be ike that now. plus I kind of like just being home with you.". He smiled at me and stroke my cheek and I pressed my lips against his and kissed him. All of the sudden my phone rang so I picked it up and Nicky said "Hey sweety." I couldn't keep a smile away and I said "Hey you! how are you?". Jared must have noticed who it was because he stood up and was just about to leave when I took a hold of his shirt and asked him to stay. I went back to talking to nicky and he said "I'm okay, just a bit hard to keep away.. It's been a week now, can't we meet?". My heart was pounding out of control and I just wanted to throw the phone on the sofa and run all the way to his place and into his arms but I said "I know it is Nico... I don't know.". After those words he didn't say anything, I think he just sat where ever he was and took in what i said then he said "I need to see you Madde.". I closed my eyes and said "We have to be stro..." then he interrupted me and said "NO! I have to see you and talk to you face to face because we are not having this discussion over the phone.". I took a deep breath and said "I'll be over in a few..." then I hung up and Jared looked at me with a sad gaze and asked "Are you going over to him? I thought you were going to be stronger.". I said "Yes I am and how many times do I have to tell everyone... I am not strong! I'll be back around dinner. I'm sorry Jared.". I kissed his cheek and walked into the hallway and thought about what I was about to do. I walked out through the door and walked the 15 minutes to Nicky. When I finally got there I stopped across the street and looked at the house, it looked so quiet and dead somehow but then I pulled myself together and walked over to the door and knocked. Nicky opened the door and as soon as I saw his face I felt more tears burn behing my eyelids and I just threw myself around his neck and cried. He closed the door and stroke my hair and it felt so good and to breath in his scent was just so wonderful! When I let go of him we sat down on the sofa in the livingroom and none of us said anything for a few mintues. I had a serious battle going on inside of me becuase one part of me was so happy that I finally got to be around Nicky again and one part of me thought it felt so wrong. Then he let go of my hand and he said "Thank you for coming over." I looked down on the floor and said "Yeah...". Then the awkward silence was back and we just sat there. After a while I had had enough, I stood up and said "You know what! I hate this awkwardness that is going on right now between us! Before we could talk about everything and everything was just great and now all of the sudden we can't even look at each other! I hate it!". He looked at me and said "So do I.. I just have one question... Do you still love me?" I looked at his face and saw fear in his eyes, fear of being rejected, fear of being alone and fear that I would leave him. I sat down next to him and let more tears fall down my face and I said "I will always love you Nicky Byrne, no matter what and you know that. And I have promised you that i will never ever leave you and I will keep that promis but... I have to try and cool my feelings for you off...". Tears started to fall down his face too and he took my hand and said "I love you so much Madde and I always will I just... I just had to know because you have no idea how hard this week has been for me. I will never leave you either. Why? First I lose Zara and now I'm losing you too...". Tears were rwally starting to pour down his cheeks and he put his head in his hands and cried. I couldn't stad seeing him like that so I wrapped my arms around him and said that everything was going to be okay. Then I said "You will never lose me nicky, I will always be here and I will always love you. You have made me into a better person and I have so much in life to thank you for but I want to try again with Jared and that means I have to stop being in love with you... But baby, I will always love you and you will always have a very special part of my heart!". He just continued to cry and I ran my fingers through his hair and just held him while he cried. When he didn't have anything more to cry he sat up and I gave him a soft smile and stroke the salty tears away from his cheeks. He looked into my eyes and I could see his bleeding heart and soul through his eyes and then he said "I will never stop loving you. But baby, I'm not ltting you go without a fight.". Then he took a grip around my neck and gave me the most amazing passionated kiss ever and I couldn't help it, so I kissed him back and my heart was almost explodeing becuase it was pounding so hard. When his lips let go of mine I just sat there, totally breathtaken and tried to clear my head which was just a blur. Then he gave me one of his soft amazing kisses that I love and he wispered in my ear "I love you Madde Karlsson.". I bit my lip and closed my eyes and when I opened them again I looked into his wonderful blue eyes and my heart just melted. He gave me a trying smile and I sighed, shook my head and smiled and siad "Damn yu and your fucking eyes nicky byrne!". He just laught and said "Sorry." I hit his amr and said "No you're not. But nicky promis me something... we can't see each other every day, just a few times a week.". Once again he looked sad but I said "Nicky, promis. It's just as hard for me as it is for you because remember I feel exacly what you feel.". He nodded and said "Okay, I promis..." I smiled alittle and said "Good." then he asked how thins was with tove and i said "Well Tove and jensen are back together and she is happy. But she is not going to be so proud of me now when I got weak and went back to you.". He said "I'm glad they have fixed things and that she is happy. But she should be proud of you that we have been apart for this long.". I just said "So am I. Yeah but she thinks that I'm stronger then I am... She never gets that she is the strong one and not me.". He stroke my cheek and said "What are you talking abut? you are strong, you are one of the strongest women i know.". I just shook my head and said "no I'm not. Don't lie to me." He took my hand in his both and said "I would never lie to you, you have gone through so much and you are so damn strong.". tears started to roll down my face and I said "No I'm not! I'm weak and pathetic and can't take care of myself.. I can't even stay away from you longer then a week!". He stroke my tears away and siad "You are NOT weak and pathetic, who said that? you are strong, no matter what you think, you are strong.". I cried "I'm weak, pathetic and alone and I will never be strong!! I'm just alittle pathetic girl who is so spoiled and afraid of being alone that I try to be with every peron I meet. I've tried so long to have this mask on me and be strong and self-confident but I'm not and this bloody mask just keeps coming off and underneath is the girl I was a long time ago and everytime I have looked myself in the mirror this week i have seen her and I get all the feelings back from my childhood. How scared I was, how alone I was and how sad I was, I hate it!!!". I wrapped his arms around me and I cried against his shoulder and he said quietly "You are not that little girl anymore, you aren't alone anymore because you are suraonded by people who loves you so there is no reason for you to be scared and sad anymore. You are a strong independent woman who can take care of herself and I love you and so does so many other people out there. You are loving, caring and you make people around you happy, but you know if you feel sad or scared or alone you can always go to one of your friends and you are always welcome here, but it's okay to be scared sometimes, or sad or alone because we all feel it. I admit that this week I've been really sad and alone and sooooo fucking scared that I was going to lose you forever but I tried to be strong for you because you asked it of me. I love you and I will always be here for you and you say that I have made you a better person well you have made me a better man and you have let me feel things that I didn't think was possible and experiance things beyond belief. So thank you my dear.". I looked into his eyes and saw how much he meant each and every word he said and that made me feel alittle bit btter but I know deep down that what ever happens I will always be that weak, scared, sad and lonley little girl. We sat there in his sofa for a few more hours and talked about everything and nothing and it was so comfy and familiar, but there was something missing... It was like my feelings for Nicky had changed, not alot but alittle. The more I looked at him the more I felt that I loved him deeply but I wasn't sure if I was as in love as I was before. But I don't think.. or I know that the love i feel for him will never go away, I will always love him.

After a few hours it was time for me to go home so I gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek and went back home. When i got there everyone was already at the table except Jared, I asked Krisen where he was and she said "In his room, he said that he wasn't hungry.". I nodded and walked upstairs and stopped outside his room, took a deep breath and knocked on the door. I heard him say "I'm not hungry." but I opened the door and found him lying on his bed looking up at the ceiling. When he saw me he sat up and I walked over to him and sat down next to him on the bed and hugged him. He hugged me back and when we broke from the hug I saw that he was crying. I stroke his cheek and he wispered "I should have stopped you, I should never have let you go to nicky.". i said "I'm glad you did let me go because it made me realize that my feelings for him is cooling of alittle... It might take some time before they are gone but they are getting there. But I will always love him, just like I have never stopped loving you not even a day." He stopped crying and said "Really?" I nodded and said "but... he is not letting me go without a fight... We will see where this leads but jared if this is to hard for you I want you to go home. And I can see that it's hard for you and if it ever comes to this again you should go home and try to forget about me even though it's hard.". He nodded and said "I wouldn't let you go withut a fight either and I won't. I won't go home." I smiled and kissed him and said "Do you want to go downstairs and eat some dinner?". He smiled and said "Yes please! I'm starving!!" I laught and took his hadn and we went down stairs and joined the family at the dinner table.

When we had eaten and all that everyone went away from the house except Jared and I. Krisen and Johan were going to go and see some friends and they were going to drop My off at Niklas and Sara. jessica was going to some girlfriends and Tim was going to Molly. The rest of the kids were going to thier dads so the whole house was empty and Jared and I had no idea what to do. We sat down in one of the movierooms and put on P.S I love you. It was really good and of course I cried my eyes out but it was kind of fun that Jeffrey Dean Morgan was in it and played an Irish man, but i didn't really like to see his butt :P Jared almost laught himself to death :P And that James Marsters was in it was also a nice surprise, he looked good as always :) Anyway when the movie was over Jared walked over to the projector to change movie. When he bent down to get a movie I bit my lip and stared at his fit ass and felt shiver go down my spine. When he turned around he saw me staring at him and he asked "What's wrong? Do I have something on my face?". I just gave him a cheesy smile and said "No but you have something on your ass that shouldn't be there." he just asked what and I said "Pants.". Then it was his turn to give me a cheesy smile and he slowly walked over to the sofa that I was sitting in and on the way over to me he slowly started to undo his pants and said "Well in that case we should get them off huh?". I couldn't say anything, I just nodded and he walked closer and stopped right infront of me. I let my eyes wander over his amazing body and stopped at his face and he bent down and kissed me and I took my hand and slowly pulled his pants over his fit ass and he took a hold of my top and pulled it over my head. I slowly laied down on the sofa and took a hold of his black shirt and pulled him down with me. He got ontop of me and gave me an eager kiss which just made me want more. I started to undo his shirt but with just one hand it's really hard and he noticed that I got irritated because he sat up ontop of me and started to unbutton his shirt from the waist up. When he had gotten the first button open I put my hand inside his shirt and satrted to touch his amazing abs. He smiled and continued to undo his shirt and I continued to stroke his abs and soon all the buttons where open so he started to kiss me again and I pulled his shirt over his strong shoulders and threw it on the floor. I ran my hand over his back and he began to kiss my neck just the way I love it and it felt sooooo good!!! In the background the song "The time of my life" from Dirty dancing started to play and that it one of my favorite songs and I just smiled because it was a prefect moment for that song. Jared kissed my over my chest and his fingers were undoing my bra and then he threw it on the floor and began to kiss my boobs and play with my nippels with his tounge. It felt so good and I ran my fingers through his hair and over his back and I started to breath heavier and faster. He continued to kiss me further down and then he started to undo my pants and pulled them off and then he took my panties off too and put his hands on my knees and began to move them higher. It felt so good the higher he got and then he started kissig my thighes while stroking them. He kissed my higher and higher up my thighes and soon I felt his tougne down town and it was so amazing!! I satrted to breath even faster and moan more and more. While he was licking me he contiuned moving his hand higher and soon he began to caress my boob. I took a hold of the sofa with my hand and squeezed it because it felt so good and soon I felt all warm and I was really close to come and he noticed because he satrted to help out with a few fingers and soon I came long and good and I screamed with pleasure. He started kissing my lips again and I pulled his boxers off and started to help him alittle while kissing him. I didn't have to do much because he was alreay hard but then I sat up and pushed him down lying on the other side of the sofa and I kissed my way down to his beast and put it in my mouth and started to move and played with my tougne around it. I felt it grow more and more between my lips and he startd to moan louder and louder and I let my hand touche his abs and chest. He took a hold of my hand and kissed it and then he pulled me up to his lips and kissed me and we changed back to the first position and I said "Thought you wanted to come.". he just smiled and put his beast in me so I moaned loudly. I smiled and he said "Yeah I do, in you." and be kissed me with even more eager then before and he started to move slowly. His hands ran through my hair and I touched his amazing abck and felt every muscle work under his skin when he moved inside of me. We moaned with pleasure and I just wanted more so I moaned "More, faster, harder.". He smiled and stopped kissing me and began to go deeper and harder in me. I moaned loudly and touched his strong arms which were all flexed and working, he mved faster and faster and began to breath heavier and faster and I moaned louder and loder and then I know he was close because he satrted to press it even harder and faster and deeper in me and then he got all tence and stiff and moander loudly out with pleasure as he came inside of me. He continued to move allt he way through and I could tell how much he enjoied it and when he was done he kissed me and then he looked into my eyes as if he asked if I wanted more and faster. I just nodded and kissed him and he began to go faster and I moaned loudly and it felt sooo amazing!! After just alittle while I came and it was soo gooood!!!!

When we both were done he laid down next to me and after a while he said "Go back to the bed and see what happens?" I just smiled and kissed him and got up from the sofa and put my panties on took our clothes and we walked back to my room. We laid down on the bed and then I said "Give me a sec, I have to blog.". He kissed me and put the tv on so now he is watching tv and I'm all worked up after writing what i just wrote so I'm going to make him forget about the tv for a while now. nighti night!!

Take care
Love
Madde