Sad?? Happy??

Heya...

Well.. shit, I don't even know what to write right now... I've been sitting here for like 10 minutes trying to figure out a way to start but I can't think of anything.. Today hasn't exacly been the happeist day in my life, but not the sadest either. let's start from the begining.

When I woke up this morning Tove was still sleeping next to me. It felt so good to have her there and that she was thre for me the other day was really nice of her after all the pain I've caused her. I carefully crawled out of bed without waking her up and I took my phone with me and walked downstairs. The whole house was quiet and I went into the livingroom and sat down in the windowsill with a blanket wrapped around me. It was still dark outside so all i could see was my own reflection in the glass and when I looked at myself I saw more and more of that scared, lonley, sad phantom girl. My eyes were almost sore from crying two days in a row and when I saw that girl in the glass tears started to really burn in my eyes. I knew that it would only hurt more if I held them back so I just let them fall down my face. I closed my eyes and cried and saw Nickys face infront of me... it just made me cry even more and I just wished he could be there and hug me and comfort me and tell me that everything would be okay. All of the sudden my phone started to vibrate next to me so I picked it up and saw that I had gotten a text from Nicky. More tears fell down my cheeks as I opened it and read "Sitting here alone looking out thinking of you. I miss you so much, please come back to me.". I got the wierdest feeling ever from reading those words, my heart got all warm and all of me got warm inside but at the same time my heart broke into even more peices. I sat there reading those words over and over and then I wrote back "I can't get you out of my head, you are all I think about. I need you here with me. I miss you but we have to do this...". I just let the tears silently fall down my cheeks as I sat there staring out through the window. I looked up alittle and saw the moon, it looked so peaceful and beauiful up there like it was looking down on all of us. Once again my phone started to vibrate and I read "Look at the moon. Isn't it beauiful? I will try and be strong as long as you are, but it's getting really hard.". I smiled alittle and once again turned my eyes to the moon, Nicky was looking at it too and somehow that made me feel alittle bit better, almost like he was there. I wrote back "Gorgeous. Good, I know babe. Remember, go to your kids." as an answer to that he just wrote "I will. I love you so honey.". I wrote back that I love him with all my heart and then I just rested my back against the wall and looked at the moon. All of the sudden I felt a hand on my shoulder so I looked at the person and through my tearful eyes I saw Johan standing there. He leaned in and gave me a kiss on my forehead and wispered "Everything is going to be okay, what ever it is.". I had closed my eyes and let the tears that were fighting to get free loose. Johan carefully stroke a few of them away and then I turned back to the moon and johan said "It's kind of beautiful isn't it? I spent alot of nights looking at the moon when I was younger. It's like a different world out there and somehow it feels like you are there with someone else because you can't be looking into a new world alone. Someone else is doing just like you.". The tears just kept falling and I said "It is. I know, Nicky is... I just wish I was there with him down on earth and not just lost in space... I miss him so much.". I turned my head around and wrapped my arms around Johan and cried into his stomach. He stroke my hair and rocked me ans said "You will. You are so strong for staying away from him evnthough it's totally killing you... I would never be that strong.". I let go of him, turned back to the moon and wispered "I'm not strong. I'm weak, scared and so alone... And I hate it.". He kissed my head and then he walked away again.

I don't know how long I had been sitting there but soon the moon was gone and the sun was starting to raise across the horizon. I got up and sat down on the sofa insted and put the tv on. I started to zap between the channels and it was nothing what so ever on so I just stopped on MTV and watched some musicviceos. When i finally had stopped crying and the house had started come to life again, I could hear footsteps upstairs, they changed to another song on MTV and of course it was You raise me up with Westlife and I just bursted out crying as soon as I saw nickys face. His gorgeus face and his smile and eyes and... just everything and then everytime he did the nicky-looks i felt the love grab my heart and squeeze it hard. It felt like it was going to turn it into dust. When the song had ended I just threw myself on the sofa and cried my eyes out in a pillow. I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up and saw Tove, I threw my arms around her neck and cried on her shoulder insted. She asked what had happened but I couldn't answer and then she changed the subject ad said that she would have to go soon because Jared was coming home. I tried to take a deep breath to calm myself down but it was very hard and got very stuttering. I nodded and let go of her and she said "Unless you want me to stay?" I said "As much as I would like you to stay I want you to go abck to Jensen...". She tilted her head alittle and said "Will you be okay then?" I huffed and said "No, but I will have Jared here... ". She nodded, kissed my forehead and said "Well, I have to go, Jared will be home in an hour. I love you and if you need me just call and I'll come over.". I nodded and said "I love you too and I appreciate that." she kissed my head one last time and then she went over to the hotel.

I just stayed in the sofa, didn't really feel like doing anything but then My walked in and sat down next to me and looked at me. She said "Are you crying today too?" I nodded and said "yes I am... I'm sad.". She moved closer and hugged my arm and said "Why are you sad?" more tears fell down my cheek and I said "becuase I can't see Nicky...". She let go of my arm and looked at me and said "Why not? Where is he?". I stroke her cheek and said "He is at home but I can't see him because he has to fix things with his children. it's complicated My." she said "Okay... but I want you to see him.". I said "So do I honey." and she siad "I don't like to see you so sad. he makes yu happy, go and see him.". I shook my head and said "I don't like being this sad either and I miss Nicky so much but I can't...". My said "But why not? Just go to him." and I felt how hard it got, my heart was breaking because I knew how easy it would be to go and see him... it would just take about 15 minutes to walk to him and thn I would feel his arms around me and bretah in the scent of his and just be near him. I closed my eyes and more tears fell down my cheeks and then My was about to say something more when Krisen said "My, why don't you go and help Johan with breakfast?". My got up but then she kissed my cheek and said "I love you big sister.". I looked at her as she walked away and wispered "I love you too." then Krisen came and sat down next to me and put a hand on my shoulder and said "I'm here for you if you need to talk about this.". I looked at her and said "No offence mum but I can't talk to you abut this because it's something you can't understand... I'm sorry but thank you.". She nodded and kissed my cheek and said "I do love you so much Madde... my doughter." then she turned around and walked out of the room. I turned the tv off and put my legs up and hugged them and just felt totally numb. I didn't know what to do or what to say so I just sat there,all alone and wishing my heart would come back to me and heal me.

After about an hour Jared came home and when i saw him stand in the doorway I just ran over to him and threw myself in his arms and cried my eyes out. He hugged me and kissed my head and then he took my hand and we walked upstairs. We laid down on my bed and I finally stopped crying and Jared stroke my cheek and said "How are you feeling today?". I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself down and siad "I don't know... I just feel numb and alone.". He put his hand on my cheek and looked me in the eyes and siad "You are not alone, I'm here for you, tove is here and the rest of the famliy and your friends... But I know that that doesn't really make anything better becuase you want nicky to be here...". I nodded and hugged him and said "I'm sorry. I knwo that you guys are there for me and I'm so greatful but...." and he filled me in "But we are not nicky.". I shook my head and felt more tears falling down my cheeks and said "Forgive me... I hate to hurt you." he smiled and siad "You aren't hurting me... this is what I love about you, you are always concered about your friends and family insted of yourself. But honey you have all the right in the world to be sad right now becuase you are parted from your biggest love... I know it's hard, but sweety... try to not think about it like that... make something good of it.". I wrinkled my forehead and said "How do you mean? All I can think about is Nicky and how much I miss him. How can I make something good of it?". He said "Well I bet you are right now thinking about how much you miss him and that you will never see him again but honey you will and think about when you will meet him next time insted. Think about what you are going to do next time you see him and long for that day insted of crying yourself through every day. He wouldn't want you to cry this much, be strong for him and show him that if he fixes things with his kids then you can see him again.". I thought about it for a while and siad "You're right... I shouldn't cry because I can't see him right now, I should long for the next time I'll see him insted. Then time will go much faster... but I miss him.". He smiled and siad "I knwo you do and you have every right to miss him too, but watch a consert or something with them or a bunch onf musicvideos and think of the good times to come and then it will feel much better. I always thought about the next time I would see you when i was parted from you insted of lying at home crying because you weren't there. It made me do a better job with Supernatural as well.". I smiled alittle and siad "Thank you Jared, I've said it so many times before and I'll say it again, you are way to good for me.". He shook his head and said "No, you are way to good for me." then he pressed his soft lips against mine and I placed my hand behind his neck and kissed him deeper. When we broke from the kiss I said "Thank you." again and then he asked if I wanted to do something and I nodded and said "Can't we take a drive to the city and shop or something?" he smiled and siad "Sure thing, I need a new shirt... you can help me out.". I hugged him adn then I just changed my clothes and went inot the bathroom and washed my face from my tears and looked in the mirror and saw less of that scared, lonley and sad girl in my face. But I know that she is still there, lurking under my mask. I put some make up on and fixed my hair and took a deep breath and walked out to Jared who sat on my bed. He smiled and said "You look gorgeous." I smiled and said "Shut up, I do not but I feel alittle bit better.". He smiled and hugged me and we went downstairs and in the hallway we met Tim and he said "You look better.". I smiled and hugged him and said "I feel alittle bit better too and thank you Tim for being there for me the other day even through you're not really my biggest fan right now.". He looked down but then he looked back at me with a smile on his face and he said "I still hate that you hurt my sister but I can't ahte you Madde... I'm here for you no matter what and I still love you.". I smiled and gave him another hug and said "Thank you Tim." I pressed my lips against his cheek and he just smiled and stroke my cheek. Then he asked where Jared and I were off to and I said that we were going shopping, so we said goodbye and went into the garage and Jared asked "So what car?" I thought for a while and said "Can you promis me that you won't crash?". He laught and said "What?! okay, fine I won't crash I promis." I smiled and said "Well in that case you can choose between a new gorgeous sportscar or a beautiful and loyal vintage car.". He thought for a while and said "It stands between the Ford Mustang and the Corvette... you choose.". I hit his arm and said "Now you put me in a VERY difficult position. Damn this was hard... Well in that case we take the corvette. But don't you dare crash it or I will kill you!". He laught and had a huge smile on his face and went to get the keys. I walked over to the gorgeous corvette and stroke its beautiful curves and said "Hey babe, we are going to take you out for a spinn now. Funny huh?". All of the sudden I felt two hands on my stomach and Jared hugged me from behind and siad "You are talking to a car do you know that?". I said "It's not just a car, it's a gorgeous Corvette and I love it. I know you love cars too so you should understand." he kissed my neck and said "I love cars yes, but not as much as you do. But I think it's sweet that you talk to it. SO shall we?". I turned around in his arms adn kissed him and said "Yes." and then I walked to the other side of the car adn got in. Jared jumped in on the driverside and put the key in the ignition and started the car with a rawr. I smiled and he looked at me and stepped on the gas wich made the car rawr even louder and I smiled even more and after doing that once again I laught and then he drove off and smiled at me. He said "It's good to hear you laugh again." I smiled at him and said "It's nice to smile again. But I think the car makes me smile a bit too... I don't get it but cars to me is like horses to tove... they are there for me and i love them and I can take them for a ride if I want to be alone and just think... it's great.". He smiled and continued to drive nad soon we parked at a parkinglot and locked the door and got going.

We went from store to store and I found a gorgeous dress and a pair of red pumps and Jared bought a really sexy black top for me becuase he thought I would look good in it. Then we found a really nice shirt for Jared and then I found a t-shirt for him that i told him to try on which he did and it looked really good on him. When he was going to change back to his own shirt I opened the fitting room door and looked at sexy man staning in there. He looked really shocked and when he saw me he just took a grip of my top and pulled me in, I couldn't keep my mouth shut so I let out a little scream and then just laught becuase he took me by surprise. He said "What are you doing? you can't just open the door like that." I smiled and stroke his chest and abs and said "I just thought the whole store should see your sexy body.". He smiled but shook his head and said "I don't want the whole store to see my body so..." I didn't care for his babbling so I pressed him against the wall and kissed him. He kissed me back but switched position with me and pulled my legs up and kissed my neck. I started to breath heavier and got really horney but then he stopped kissing me and let me down and said "We can't do this here.". I said "Why not? I need it right now." he stroke my cheek and kissed me but then he changed his mind and said "You make to much noice.". I stared at him and siad "So you lay all this on my now all of the sudden?!" he just smiled and pressed me against the wall again and kissed me then he stopped and put his shirt on and took my hand and dragged me from the fitting room. I said "I'm disappointed with you Jared." he just alught and walked over to the paydesk and payed for the t-shirt.

We walked out of the store and just walked and talked and laught but then I just stopped and stared straight ahead. All the laughs and what we had talked about was gone. I didn't hear anything Jared or anyone else said and I didn't see the sea of people infront of me except for one man standing a few meters away looking into a display window. I got both cold and warm at the same time and was just about to run over to Nicky but then Jared took a hold of me and forced me to take my eyes of nicky and look at him and he siad "Be strong Madde!". I looked away from him and looked over at Nicky again who had started to walk towards us again and he looked so down and broken. I just wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him that everything was going to be okay and I felt so angry with myself for having fun and laughing. Jared took my hand and said "Madde, come on. You said you wanted to be strong so be strong now and walk with me.". I felt tears fall down my face and a woman came over and asked if everything was okay. Jared just said yes adn then he dragged me out of there while I was watching Nicky walk towards the Dressman store we just walked out of. All of the sudden he stopped and looked around but he didn't see me which I guess was a good thing. I took a deep breath adn tried to stop crying and turned around and let Nicky go with my eyes and followed Jared. When we got around a corner of a building he wrapped his arms around me and I cried. He said "You can do this Madde, I believe in you. have some faith" I just said "Have faith? I had faith but that was before I saw him. He is hurt and sad and he needs me.". Jared shook his head and said "Do you want me to talk to him? I can go over to him tonight and hang out alittle with him and tell him how you feel adn then I can tell you how he feels.". I stopped crying and looked at him and said "Would you really do that for us?" he stroke my cheek adn said "Yes I would if it would make you feel better.". I hugged him and said "Thank you!" he just smiled and siad "Anything for you honey.". He took my hand and we desided that we should go home becuase it was soon dinner so we went to the car and got in and drove off home.

When we got in everybody was already in the kitchen and had started to eat. We sat down and joined them and jared tried to keep a good conversation on with me but my thoughts wandered away to Nicky and his sad face. When everone had eaten I went upstairs and locked the door becuase I wanted to be alone, if I hadn't locked it Jared would just walk in so. I sat down on the bed and started my computer and checked Twitter. Nicky had tweeted "Miss you, come back to me." I took a deep breath and tweeted back to him "Miss you too, wish I could but we have to do this... I love you.". I logged out and checked youtube, when I'm bored or just want to think about something else I always check youtube. I looked at some westlife videos like Jared told me too and I smiled through everyone of them... Nicky looked gorgeous and when I looked at "Hey whatever" I just totally fell in love with him all over again. He looks so fucking sexy in that and I just want to trip his clothes off!! I don't think how many times I looked at it but then I remembered a youtube clip that Nicky once told me I had to check out a dude named Nick Pitera when he sings Disney's Alladin "A whole new world". The first thing I though was "Wow he is a very good singer" and then when he started to sing the girls part I just dropped my chin and stared at the screen. It sounded amazing and just like a woman!!! It was crazy! Anyway then I listened to "I Will Always Love You" with Whitney Houston and all I could think about was Nicky. I picked up my cellphone and recorded on it and then I sent it to Nicky and then he texted "Aw I love you and always will do. Miss you so much!!! I don't know how long I can do this.". I smiled and then I texted "I miss you too so much but you have to do this... please do it... for me? Jared will come over tonight, talk to him and he will be there for you... he does it fo me so be nice.". He texted back "I will, try anyway. I will be nice to him and thank you for giving me a heads up. I love you." I texted "Thank you and no problem. I love you too.". Then I left the bed and computer and went downstairs and found Jared in the livingroom together with Johan. I walked over to him and asked "Are you going to Nicky?". He smiled and said "If you want me too." I nodded and he said "Then I will do that. See you later.". I smiled and siad "Thank you." I gave him a kiss and then I went upstairs and started to blog. Jared hasn't comed home yet but I think that is good because then things must have gone well. Goodnight!!

Before I end this inlay I want to send a thought to the people who lost their lifes and loves once september the 11th 8 years ago. God be with you and rest in peace.

Tove will blog tomorrow
Take care
Love
Madde