Falling apart

Heya!

I knew it!! Tove would never be able to keep her hands or lips off Jensen and now we have proof :P Although now she has said that she will never have sex with him again but I seriously doubt that. She won't be able to keep t in her pants now when she has gotten a taste of it again. But I must say that she has been strong to be able to go through a few days without jumping him because I can only guess how hard it must have been to shower him and help him pee and help him in and out of bed when he is really trying to make her break. I would never been able to do that, if we say that it was jensen was nicky or jared and I was tove :P I would have jumped them right there and then without a question, I'm not as strong as Tove is although she says I'm the strong one. I'm not strong at all, I break down for the tinyest thing in the world and Tove is like "it's going to be okay.". I wish I was that strong but I'm not, I can't stay away from the man I love like she can even though he has hurt me... I wish i could... I know I could never have a baby, I'm not strong enough... I'm just weak and pathetic and can't do anything right eventhough I try and do my best. I wish I could just put everything to the side and say to myself to start on a new page and be the woman I want to be but i can't... I can't lose what i got now eventhough i hurt the people I love and myself, I'm not strong enough to tell myself that it's worth it because I'm so scared of it. Tove wrote yesterday that she has a low self-confidence and that is because I have always stood next to her but the thing is... I don't have that good self-confidence either. Maybe when it comes to men I do becuase that is something I'm good at but when it comes to friends or real love I have zero self-confidence. I'm so scared to fuck everything up and to make them realize what kind of girl I really am so I put on a mask to try and show them that I have a good self-confidence eventhough underneath I'm just terrified. I'm so scared of losing them and that is what makes me lose them I guess. All I know is that if i lose the people I love I have nothing left and if I have nothing left then I have nothing to live for and I would just weather away and die. I don't want that to happen but I don't know how to fix things... I have promised Tve now that I'm going to have a talk with nicky and tell him that he has to try and fix things with his kids and because of that I should stay away alittle. I've said that I'm willing to give it a try to just meet him a few times a week and not everyday as I do now but it's going to be so fucking hard. I love him so much and to be parted from him is like being without a part of my soul and it hurts so bad. And I know that he is not going to be happy about it and he is probobly going to convince me otherwise but I'm going to try and be strong and do this for his kids and himself and stop thinking about me for a change. I just don't know how it's going to go and if I'm going to be able to stay away from him... I love him so much.

Well today has been tough but i've got through it... let me tell you about it.

When I woke up this morning I didn't feel like getting out of bed at all, I just wanted to stay there because I knew that I would have to talk to Nicky and as soon as I thought about it I got a pit in my stomach and tears were welling up in my eyes. I was just lying there and then all of the sudden someone knocked on my door and Jared peeked in. I looked at him and smiled, he just walked over to the bed and cuddled down next to me and wrapped his arms around me and asked if I was okay. I shook my head and said "No... I have to talk to Nicky about something pretty serious and I don't know if I'm strong enough...". He kissed me hair and said "What are you going to talk to him about?" I took a deep breath and said "That we can't see each other so much...". I felt how he got surprised so i looked at him and he wrinkled his forehead and said "Why? Not because of me is it?". I touched his cheek and felt more tears burn behind my eyelids and I said "Becuase he has to fix his relationship with his kids and I have to fall out of love with him...". Jared looked me in the eyes and I could tell he was still confused and he said "Well I guess it's a good idea to fix things with his kids but I never thought I would hear you say that you want to fall out of love with him...". A tear escaped my pathetic attemts to hold them back and he stroke it away with his fingers, I said "Well i don't want to but I have to... God i love him so much and it hurts so bad to just say that I'm going to leave him. I swore to him that I would never leave him and now I'm breaking that promis.". More tears fell down my cheeks and I buried my face in the pillow next to his head and cried. Jared stroke my hair and tried to comfort me and he said "I know you love him and I know how much it hurts to try and leave the person you love... But you aren't leaving him are you, you will see him and I know that he loves you so much and you will always be a part of him.". I sat up and looked down on him and said "I know you know that but it feels like no one can understand the pain I feel right now. I don't care if I will always be a part of him, I want to be able to look into his eyes and tell him how much I love him, to hold him in my arms and love him, take care of him and be with him forever and ever.". Jared sat up infront of me and took my hands in his and said "I know... trust me. And I know that in you heart you will always have Nicky because he has been a better man tto you then I could ever be and you have not even been together. I wish i could be that kind of man. You will never lose Nicky and he will never lose you, you can still see each other and talk on the phone but I know that it's not the same thing as to be there with him all the time and tell him how badly you love him.". I could see in his eyes that he wasn't only talking about me and Nicky... he was talking about me and him aswell and how much he loves me and how he knows what i go through because he goes through it everyday. I feel really sorry for him and I just wish I could let him go... but I don't think he will let me go. I placed my hand on his cheek and said "You are a good man Jared and I love you. I'm sorry that I'm hurting you and maybe leading you on... I think the only fair thing I can do to you is to let you go and live your life and find a woman who deserves you and that is true to you and that you will love more then anything on the earth.". He moved a little closer to me and looked me in the eyes and I saw some tears glitter like diamonds in the corner of his eyes and he said "I don't care if you let me go becuase I can't let you go... I love you to much and therefore I will not leave you. I'm here if you need me and I know that i will never meet another woman that i could feel like this for." a tears ran down his eyes and he didn't care he just sat there looking at me and then he wispered "I'm in love with you.". I looked down on our hands and I felt a tear land on my hand and then more tears and it wasn't just mine, it was jareds aswell and on our hands they blended together as one. He removed his hands and cupped them around my chin and pressed his lips against mine, the kiss was all salty from our tears but it was so soft and gentle and loving. Then he stood up from the bed and said "I'll be dowstairs..." then he walked out of the room and left me crying on the bed. After alittle while I put myself together and picked up my phone and dailed Nickys number. He answered "Madde?! How are you honey?" I took a deep breath and tried to hold more tears back and said "Hi babe... I'm okay.. Nicky, can I come over alittle later?". His voice changed from happy to worried and he said "Sure thing sweety, everything okay? Have you been crying?"I bit my lip and siad "Yeah everything is okay.. don't worry. Only alittle, it's one of those days you know...". I could almost hear him shake his head and he said "Okay.. come over when you feel like it, I'll be waiting." I said "Thanks... I'll be over in an hour or so." then I was about to hang up but then he said "Madde... I love you, see you soon.". All the tears I was holding back just poured down my cheeks and I said "I love you too!" then I hung up beforehe could say anything more. I cried my eyes out in my pillow and I just felt like ripping my heart out with my bare hands and stick a knife in it so I don't have to feel this pain anymore. I just cried and cried and cried and didn't even hear when someone knocked on the door and walked in. I just felt someone sit down on the edge of the bed and put a hand on my arm. I didn't care, I just wanted to die and didn't want any comfortin but then the person pulled me up in his arms and held me and I noticed that it was Tim. I just took a hold of his shirt with my hand and cried and he just sat there quiet and held me. When I had almost stopped crying he looked at me and said "What's going on?" I just shook my head and said "Nothing... I though you hated me.". He looked down and then he said "I just walked by your room and heard you crying your eyes out and I just couldn't leave you.... are you okay?". I shook my head and said "I don't really feel like talking about it." he nodded and was just about to get up and walk away when I siad "No! please, can you stay?". more tears was burning in my eyes and he sighed and I could tell he was struggeling with what he should do but he stayed and we just sat there for a while. Then he asked if I was crying because of tove and jensen and all that but I just shook my head and said "No, it's nicky... I don't want to talk about it tim.". He nodded and then we talked about a few other things and then I heard Jared call my name from downstairs so both Tim and I walked downstairs and joined him in the kicthen.

When I had finished my coffee I walked upstairs and changed my clothes and looked me in the mirror and saw a weak, horrified girl with swollen red eyes and zero self-confidence what so ever stare back at me. I recognized her pretty well, it was the same girl that I've been trying to hide so long... she is the girl who used to live with her dad and bigbrother and was scared all the time and was so weak and alone in the world... I took a deep breath and washed my face and put some makeup on and tried to put my mask on again but it was really hard, I didn't really pull it off because I could still see the phantom of the scared and weak little girl in my face. I walked downstairs and told tim and Jared that I was going to Nicky. Jared got up and walked over to me and was just about to hug me but I just shook my head and said "please don't..." he nodded and walked back to the chair and I walked out of the house. I wish I didn't have my arm in a cast because I really wanted to drive because that always calmes me down but insted I had to walk alone for 15 mintues and of course all I could think about was how horrified i was and how much pain I was in and how baldy I needed Nicky... It felt like forever before I finally got to the house and I just stood there on the driveway and looked on the doors. They looked like doors to hell and I was about to enter them and never come out whole again because I would leave my soul in there. I took a deep breath and walked over to it and knocked on it and after alittle while Nicky opened the door with a smile. It felt like someone stabbed me through the heart with a blunt knife in slowmotion. he hugged me and I bruied my face in his chest and breathed in his scent and felt the tears build up and fall down my face. I clinged on even harder around his neck adn then he noticed that I was crying so he walked with me slowly to the livingroom and we sat down on the sofa. I was still clinging on to him, I never wanted to let go and knew that if I did that now I would never feel whole again. We just sat there for a while and when I finally stopped crying he looked at me with sad eyes and asked "What's the matter honey?". I looked him in the eyes and I was so scared but I just had to do one thing, i leaned in and pressed my lips against his. It felt so good and when we broke from the kiss I said "I'm sorry. Nicky... we can't spend so much time together.". He looked at me really confused and said "What is going on Madde? why not?" I sobbed and said "Beucase you really need to fix things with your kids and you can't do that when I take up all your time.". He shooke his head and said "Wait a minute... you're telling me we can't see each other anymore?" I closed my eyes and tried to think and said "Not every day... We can't..." then tears just poured down my cheeks again and I cried "And I need to get you out of my head!". He stood up and I saw tears in his eyes and he said "But... we swore." I stood up infront of him and he looked me in the eyes and put a hand on my cheek, I closed my eyes and pressed my face against it and he said "You're leaving me? I love you, please don't leave me Madde...". I opened my eyes and looked into his, those deep, beautiful blue eyes were overflooded with tears and I could almost see his broken heart through them. I said "I'm not leaving you, but I know it feels like it..." he let go of me and walked over to the window and looked out, then he turned back to me adn siad "But you are letting me go? You are taking me out of you heart?". I said "I can never let you go Nicky Byrne, I love you to much and you hold the key to my heart and you are the only one I have ever let open it completley, no one has seen my heart like you have. You will never leave my heart because you own it I can't take it back.". He just stood there with tears pouring down his cheeks and I took a deep breath and walked over to him, took a hold of his hand and said "We have to stay away from each other for a while and you have to make and effort with your kids. We can talk to each other on the phone and see each other sometimes during the week... but we have to try nicky, we both know it. Please don't make this harder for me then it already is because right now it feels like I'm slowly ripping my soul and heard out of my body with pliers.". He let go of my hand and put his on my cheek and looked me in the eyes and said "okay we can try... I may not be able to see you as often as I like, I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night. But deep in my heart I truly know, you are the one that i love and I can't let you go... ever.". He wrapped his arms around me and we cried in each others embrase.

I don't know how long we stood there but we broke from the embrase Nicky and I wiped our tears away and he looked at me and I felt more tears well up so I looked away. I felt how close I was to start crying again so I turned to him and a tear fell down my cheek but he stroke it away and I said "I have to go... I can't do this now..." he nodded and kissed my cheek for a long time. I just closed my eyes and felt his gorgeous lips press against my skin. When he stopped we walked into the hallway and I walked out and felt more tears fall dwon my cheeks. It felt just like I thought it would, like I wasn't whole anymore, I had left my soul and heart in that house and there it will stay forever. I had walked a few meters and looked over my shoulder back on the house and saw Nicky stand in the door way watching me leave. i just wanted to turn back and run into his arms and stay there forever but insted I continued to walk straight ahead with heavy steps.

When I finally got home i just walked in throught the door and went upstairs into my room. I just laid down on my bed and looked up in the ceiling I didn't even bother saying come in when I heard someone knock on the door but Jared still came in. He walked over to the bed and laid down next to me, he didn't say anything or touch me, he just laid there lookin g up in the ceiling with me. It was nice to know that he was there for me and that if I needed a hug or just someone to talk to I could always turn to him becuase he would never leave me. I don't know how long me laid there but then his phone rang and he picked it up and talked with jensen for a while and then he asked me "Do you feel like going over to the hotel and visit Jensen adn Tove?". I thought about it for a while, if i was strong enough to do that or if i just wanted to stay in bed all day. But then I desided that I was strong enough and nodded and he siad to jensen "Give us an hour or so and we will be over." then they said goodbye and Jared turned to me and said "Are you sure you want t go to jensen and Tove?". I sat up, cleared my throat from all the crying and said "Yes, maybe they can help me forget about Nicky for a while.". He nodded and helped me out of bed and I waked into the bathroom and looked myself in the mirror and this time I looked even worse then before I went to Nicky. Once again I washed all the salty tears away from my face and put some new make up on and fixed my hari alittle but I could see more of that scared phantom gril in my face then before I went to Nickys. I took a deep breath and tried to smile but I looked like a mental patient who had just busted out of an asylum. I erased the smile and walked out to Jared and together we walked downstairs and out to the garage and took the Alfa Romeo to the hotel. I thanked god that we didn't have to drive in the other direction because then we would have passed nickys house and I knew I would never be able to go through that.

After 15 minutes we arrived at the hotel and walked in and of course Jared walked straight towards the elevators but I just shook my head and started walking up the stairs. He said that he could join me but I just shook my head and then he took the elevators and it gave me some time to think. I bet he asked Tove and Jensen not to talk about Nicky because when i finally got to their room and walked in they were sitting in the sofa together and as soon as I opened the door they got quiet. I tried to smile to them but it just felt wrong so I just sat down next to Jared who took my hand is his for comfort. Then Jared tried to ease up the tension arund us so he said to Jensen "You look happy, what's up?" I looked at Tove and she just stared at Jensen and he siad "Nah no reason...". I let out a huff and Jared turned to me and Tove just stared at me and I said "I think you know why he is happy.". I could almost see the gearwheels work in his head and the lightbulb light up when he figured it out. He looked at Tove and said "I ahve to say that I'm disappointed, I though you could keep it in your pants alittle while longer.". Tove just said "Comes from the right one! You couldn't keep it in your pants a day!" Jared just laught and so did jensen but I didn't really feel like it. I just sat there and my mind wondered off to Nicky and what he was doing and feeling... if he was feeling like me... like shit an all alone. I didn't even notice that they had stopped laughing or that it was falling tears down my cheek until Jared stroke them away with his thumb. I pushed his hand away and got up and walked into the bathroom, no one said anything but I could feel their looks in the back of my neck. I locked the door and sat down on the floor against the door and wrapped my arms around my legs and buried my face on my knees. I didn't cry, I just sat there wanting to disappear or to just be somewhere else. Then someone knocked on the door but I didn't open or say anything then Jared said "Madde, you okay?". I didn't answer... so he asked again and again and again and then I got annoied and opened the door and said "i want to go home, I can't do this now.". I walked towards the door and then Tove said "Madde please stay." I looked at her and saw that she really meant it but I shook my head and said "I can't. sorry." then I turned to jared and said "please." he nodded and we walked out of the hotelroom, down the stairs and into the car. Jared tried to say something all the way home but he didn't and I was happy that he didn't because then I would just have started to cry. As soon as he stopped the car I got out and walked up to my room adn cruddled up in the bed and closed my eyes, I saw Nicky infront of me with his gorgeous smile and his eyes light up with love and care and devotion. I opened my eyes and reached for the phone and picked it up and dailed his number but I didn't press the ring button. Insted I just erased the number and put the phone down and opened the drawer on the bedside table and picked up two pictures of the people that means most to me in the world. One was of Jared, Tove and Jensen... they were laughing and hugging each other and it was such a happy time. I put it down and looked at the other one, it was a pic of me and Nicky... he was standing behind me with his hands on my hips and he kissed my cheek and looked into the camera. I was wearing a black dress and was so happy. I felt tears falling down my cheeks as I looked into Nickys eyes and saw the happiness and the love and care.. I miss him. You guys must think I'm being a baby because i'm acting like this but I don't give a damn... If my feelings are amusing to you then laugh away I don't care.

I don't know how long I had been lying up there but then Tim peeked in and said that it was dinner so I put the pictures away and followed him downstairs. When I walked into the kitchen everyone looked at me and I could tell that they got surpirsed when they saw me so sad and Krisen said "Madde, what's wrong?". Jared just got up and stood behind me and said "She doesn't want to talk about it...". he lead me to the chair and I just sat down and took alittle food and started to eat. I could see from the corner of my eyes that Krisen looked at me with worried eyes but I didn't care I just continued to eat and when I was done I just sat there and waited for the rest of the family to finish. The family talked like normal but the Krisen said "How is tove then?" Jared said "Tove is just fine, getting abit annoied with jensen because he can't take care of himself.". Krisen didn't look so happy about it so I said "Let her be, she feels obligated to take care of him and you shouldn't treat jensen like garbage because he saved your doughters life.". Krisen just looked at me but she didn't argue with me because she knew I was right. When everyone had finished their dinner I put my plate and glass in the dishwasher and walked upstairs to my room again. I wasn't alone for long when Jared joined me in bed and I said "Thank you jared." he just shrugged and said "No biggie. What did he say btw?". I said "I don't want to talk about Jared, sorry..." he nodded and said "It's okay, don't worry about it.". He cuddled closer and I rested my head on his chest and just laid there for a while. All of the sudden I got a text so I asked Jared to pass me the phone which he did but then he said "it's Nicky.". I took the phone from him and sat up and just looked at Nickys name on the display. I took a deep breath and opened the text and there it said "missing you, thinking of you, wanting you here.". I bit my lip and wrote "Love you forever and always my heart-keeper.". I put the phone down and looked at Jared and I said "You wanna watch a movie or something?". He smiled and sat up and said "Sure, let's go." he took my hand and we walked over to one of the movierooms and cuddled down in a big sofa. We put on 10 000.BC and I laid down my head in Jared lap and he stroke my hair. It was pretty comfy to lay there in his lap and just watch a movie and disappear into a totally different world. All of the sudden my pphone rang and I picked it up and Sara said "Hey! How are you? I was just wondring if you wanted to go out and take a drink with me?". I said "Hey.. You know what, I'm not feeling so good and I'm not really in the mood for a drink... rain check?". She said "Oh that's not good... What's wrong? Yeah surtenly, another time." I sighed and said "You know what... I don't really feel like talking about it... good.". She said "Is it about Nicky? Has he hurt you?" I closed my eyes and Jared stroke my arm and I said "Yeah it's nicky but he hasn't hurt me... I'll tell you another day I just can't talk about it right now.". She said "okay.. well take care of yourself. Bye!" I said "You too, bye." and then we hung up. I wish I could tell her but I don't know how she would react and if she would get angry with nicky again or what ever...

Anyway I went back to watching movies with Jared and before I knew it the clock had turned 12 and Jared asked if we should go to bed. We went into my room and he said goodnight and then he was about to walk out but I said "Please stay.. I don't want to be alone.". He turned around and looked at me, then he took his clothes off and nestled down under the covers. I cuddled up closer to him and rested my head on his chest and he wrapped his arms around me and after a few minutes he fell asleep and his grip around me losened up alittle so I desided it was time to blog and here I am. But now I'm going to go back to Jared so goodnight.

Tove will blog tomorrow.
Take care
Love
Madde