Tears to hell..

Hello..

Today have been a kind of sad an depressing day which you maybe will understand if you read Maddes inlay from yesterday.. But I'm glad she is tryin to do her best, that is something anyway because I can see how hard this is for her..

I can't belive she thinks I'm her hero! All I have done this year is hurt her and Jensen and everyone else.. so I'm no hero. I wish I was but no.. To be called a hero
you really needs to deserve it and I don't. I have two heros in my life, one called Jensen and one called Madde.
They are my heros because they are fighters and I know they would do anything for me and always be there for me and stand up for no matter what. They have helped my throw this year which have been the hardest on in my life, if it wheren't for them then I would probably been death by now. Madde sat with me day out and day in at the hospital and tried to make me feel better and looked after that I had the best care I could have. She made me laught throw the hard days which almost seemed inpossible but when she was there evrything was so much better, even thought she was even more scared then I was so always made the best of it. She helped me shave my head when I needed to do that, she helped me find a wig and told me that I was beautiful even thought I was pale as snow, without eyebrows and eyelashes and looked so horrible, she always told me when I was complineing about my look and my wig that I was beautiful and always would be and that acutally helped a little. She made my time at the hospital fun when it could have been living hell, so I'm so grateful for that. And it's not just this year she have been here for me, she have been by myside in every weather for 22 years and I can't even imadgen speanding the rest of my life without her. She is my friend, my sister, my life.
And Jensen forgave me for so many stuped things that I did and I hurt him like hell
but still he could find a way to forgive me and love me. He saved my life for real in so many ways. He made me whole. When he came back after our break up everything just fell into place, that he was the one I was suppose to be with. He makes me feel alive and amazing and I know that I can talk to him about anything if it's something good or bad or just something I want to talk about. I know he will listen and maybe even make me feel better. He makes me stronger in ever way that is possible, he made me realize that I could feel like this for another person and love someone so much that it's almost hurts. He also sat there in the hospital, talking and laughing and when I feelt sick he helped my to the bathroom so I could throw up meanwhile he strok my back and said that everything would be okay and he helped me belive that I would survive if I just fought and he always said that God never would give a person more then they can handle, even though I'm not a believer it kind of helped in a weird way. And he acutally save my life in another way too he gave me a piece of his liver just so we could be together. He makes me, me. He stole my heart and flow away with it into his.
They makes my life worse living and that is why they deserves to be my heros in this horrible and sometimes kind of nice world.

Well let's talk about today..
When I woke up this morning after like 1 hours sleep because I couldn't let go off seeing Madde like that. I never have to ask her how she really feels because then she mostly just lie, or tries anyway. But she can never lie to me about her feelings because I have known her so long and all I have to do is look into her eys and then I can see all her pain and misery..
I got up from the sofa and drank a glass of water and walked into the shower where I stayed for a long time. When I got out of there I wrapped the towel around me and looked into the mirror and tears just started to run down my cheeks, and more and more thoughts ran throw my mind and I couldn't stop thinking how helpless and sad she most be and I hate see my best friend in pain.. so more and more tears started to roll down and I sat down on teh toilet and hide my face in my hands and cried my
eyes out. Then it knocked on the door and I heard Jensens voice " Tove? Are you okay? " He sounded really worried, but I couldn't answer him because of all the tears and crying so I just sat there with my hands on my face crying and after 5 minuts I heard a weird sound outside on the door and a few seconds after Jensen rolled in and he had a night in his hand that I assumed he had opend the door with. I looked at him and more tears started to roll down my face he looked at me worried and rolled over to me and took my hand, but I just stood up and pulled my hand back but hejust looked at me and took my hand again and pulled me down in his knee and then he put his arm around me and I just cried even more. He kissed my hair and whisperd " Eveything will be okay what ever it is.. " I just countinued crying on his shoulder. When I had calmed down a little he asked what was wrong and I sob and told him that I was thinking about Madde and everything. I looked at him and he dried a few tears away from me and strok my cheek with his hand and I gave him another hug and got ou from his lap and started to get dressed and I didn't even care if he was looking at me. I said sad " I'm going over to speand the day and night with Madde today.. and Jared will stay here with you. Is that okay? " He grabed my hand and said " Of course it's okay, she needs you. " Jensen rolled out and then I helped him on the bed again and he called after room service for breakfast and I just took a cup of coffee and lied down next to him on the bed and lead my head on his shoulder. He kissed my head and then we just stat there for a long time. When the time was about 12 I desided that it was time to go to Madde, so I called Jared and he answer after just two signales and I aske dif he could come over now, and he said that eh could. So after 20 minuts he knocked on the door and I
opend it, he gave me a hug and then walked over to Jensen and gave him a hug. I looked at Jensen " Don't forget your morpine now. " He said teasfully " No mum " Then he smiled and I luaghted a little. Jared said " You can take the car that I drove over here with since i'm not going anywhere so you don't ahve to walk in the rain. " I said " Thanks Jared, I know Madde is happy to have you " He smiled and I was just going to go throw the door and I looked at Jensen in the bed and walked over there and gave him a kiss and said " Thanks" He looked at me confused and said " For what? " I said " For everything " He took my hand and kissed it and then I left.

When I got home the house was still kind of empty but I could hear voices from the kitchen so I walked over there and found My, mum and Johan eating breakfast. Mum looked up from the tabel and saw me and smiled and said " My, look!" My looked up and saw me and her whole face lighted up and she ran towards me and I picked her up and she throw her arms around me and hugged me and I kissed her cheek and she said
happy " Are you moving home? " I said " No honey I'm not.." She said " I miss you.. and Jensen " I said " You can come and visit us someday. " She smiled and said " Yes! I love you " I smiled and said " I love you too little sister " I let her down and she walked over and countinue eating and mum got up and gave me a hug and so did Johan and he said " I'm so sorry about everything that have happend.. " I said " Thanks.. but that is not why I'm here. Madde needs me.. " Then I heard foot steps behind me and I turned around and saw Madde standing in the doorway she looked so sad, helpless and weak.. not like her. She stared at me and I did the same and I could see she had been crying. We just stood there for a few seconds then both of us just ran towards each other and throw our arms around each other and I could hear that she started to cry so I let go of her and grabed her hand instead and walked up to her room and closed the door behind us and walked over to the bed and she sat down with her red big swollen eyes who was crying again. I sat down next to her and she looked at me and lead her head on my shoulder and I strok her hair we sat there for a while without a word and all I could hear was the rain outside. Then she got a
text message and she picked up her phone and it was from Nicky he had writen " Madde honey, we can't do this! I need you! I miss you so much. " More tears started to roll down her cheek and she wrote back " Nicky we have too, I'm so sorry. I miss you too!!" Then she throw teh phone on the bed and herself on the bed and bury her head in a pillow and started to cry. I lied down next to her and and strok her back and after a while she thrwo the pillow into the wall and just countied crying and I lied my arm under her head and dryed a few tears away with my hand but I could see that they just got more. After alot of crying she acutally fall a sleep on my arm which was good because i can't imadgen that she had sleeped naything tonight.. When she lied there sleeping she was so beautiful, I strok her soft cheek and kissed her forhead and looked at her and whisperd " Everything will be okay I promis " I know she couldn't hear me since she was sleeping but I just ahd to say it.. It acutally felt kind of good to be close to her again, hug her, kiss her, just be there for her I have missed her so much under this week..

When she woke up after a few hours it was almost dinner. I too her hand and said " It's soon dinner... do you want to go downstairs or stay here? " She said with a
weak voice " Stay here.. but you can go if you want too.. " I said " Do you want me to go then I will, but if you want me to stay I will do that too. " She said " Please stay.. " I kissed her hair and said " I will stay as long as you want me too. I will just go and get something to eat. " She nooded and took her haed of my arm so I could get up. I walked downstairs and they where sitting at the table and I walked over to mum and said quit " Is it okay if me and Madde eat upstairs today? " She said " Of course honey. Tell Madde if she needs to talk I'm here for her. " I nooded and took a plate and some food and water glasses and walked upstairs and she was lieing in the bed looking into teh siling. She said "I'm not that hungry.. " I said " I know, me neither so that's why I just took on plate so we can share. " She sat up in the bed and I gave her a glass of water and she put it down on night table and so did I and gave her a fork and put the plate in the middle of us and she just looked at the food after a while she took a bit and slowly chew it and I did the same. Then she said " i don't wnat to eat.. " I said " Okay.. but drink something " She just looked away and I put the plate away and her hand was lieing on the bed and I just put my hand on hers. Then she looked at me and new tears started to roll down her cheeks and she said " I'm so terribly sorry for what I did.. " I just looked at her and she cried even more and cried " Please forgive me?" I said " I can't forgive you for what you did.. sorry.. not yet anyway.. but don't woory about me now " Tears was like pouring down her cheeks, I lied my arms around her neck and I could hear that she was trying t fight the tears back but I just said " Honey don't be afrid of showing the real you, and just let the tears out. " She hugged me back and started to cry agian. We just sat there for a while and then it kncoked on the door and My walked throw the door and Madde tried her best to dry her tears away and My slowly walked toward us and she looked so sad and said " Why are you crying? " Madde said " It's hard to expline.. " My crawl up on the bed and strok Maddes cheek with her little hand and new tears feel down from Maddes cheek and My hugged her and kissed her cheek, she is so sweeit. I wish I had been so sweeit when I was 5 or even now. Madde hugged her back and My also started to cry so Madde strok her back and said " I will be okay.. " Then mum called after My and she let go of Madde and said " I love you sister" Madde gave her a little smile and said " I love you too kiddo. " Then My ran out of there and Madde just sat there and let tears fall down her cheek and I asked " Do you need something? Can I do something? I just feels like I can't do anything for you.. " She sob and said " You are helping by just beeing here. " I took her hand in mine and said " Good, because I'm not going anywhere " She stood up and said " I need to take a shower " I said " Do that honey, call on me when you are done. " She nooded and walked into the bathroom. I sat on her bed for a
few minuts then I walked out in the hallway and found Tim and Molly making out!!! Or blonde fucking bitch which also is her name!! I walked by them and said " Tim if you are going to sucking face with that thing then please don't do it in public!" He looked at me and said irratating " You and Jensen was always all over each other,
sometimes I almost thought you two was going to have sex right infront of everyone, and I never compline" I said " Yeah maybe so, but Jensen is not a blonde bitch fucking bimbo thing, he is an amazing man and not a fake thing!" Tim said angry " You are not calling her that!! And Jensen is not a amazing man he is a dickhead!! " I said angry " I call her whatever I want!! And he is not a dickhead, he made one mistake and I have made like thousand!" He said " He will not be a member of our family again!!" I said " Even thought I'm not getting back togehter with him he will always be in our family and my heart since I'm caring his baby! And you can't deside who I will have as my boyfriend and not!! " Then I was so angry with him so I just walked into my room and closed the door behind me and looked into my room and it felt so weird being there again after this weeks. I walked over to the bed and found Jensens shirt on my bed where I had left it when I was here last time and lied down crying my eyes out in it. I walked into the closet and took a bag and packed more clothes and shoes and make up all those things I hadn't had with me. But liek you know I'm the slowest person on earth to pack and it takes even long time now when I'm pregnate because I have to try everything out if I still can have them on or not. I hate beeing fat!!
Well then I smelled Jensen shirt and it was so amazing and lie down it in the bag and closed it.
Then I opend a box and picked up that red plastic ring that Jensen had gaved me in the hospital and that I had taken off that day when I found them. I put it in the side pocket in the bag and turned the light off and teh room looked so lonely and and sad and I woundered when I was going to come back here again..

When I got back to Maddes room she was sitting on the floor with her back resting against the bed and she was just wearing her towel and she was just staring into teh wall. I sat down next to her and she said " I can't do this. " I said " Yes you can, I know you can. I will help you get throw this I promis " She didn't answer she just sat there and lied her head down on my shoulder and I strok her hair wet hair and I said " Do you want to watch a movie or something? " She nooded and we lied down in her bed and cuddle up togeher under the cover and it started to thunder outside and rain even more. I don't really know what we watched because I couldn't really concentrate at the movie I was just thinking of Madde and how miserble she was. But then my phone called and I looked who it was and then at Madde and she said " Is it Jensen? " I nooded and she said " Answer it, why shouldn't you " I answer and he said " Hi honey, how are things at home? " I sign and said " How do
you think.. " He said " Not good.. " I said " So is Jared doing a good job? " He laughted and said " Not as good as you. " I said " So how did he help you to pee then? " He said " Well I didn't want him there so we called after that woman that workes here and have been drooling after me the whole week and she got to help me. " I said " You did what?!!! " He started to laught and said " Just kidding, I don't want any other womans hands on me then yours " I said " Good.. or I mean I wouldn't care if you had sex with her. " he said " Good because I acutally ahd thought about calling her and have hot steamy sex right here in my bed just as you and me had the other night. " I said " You are just saying that to try to make me jealous. " He laughte and said " So is it working? " I said irratated " Yes, I'm jelaous!! Happy?!" He laughted and said " Yes I'm! " I said " Oh shut up!" He said " You can never make me shut up honey. Or maybe in one way " I said " Then I will just have to cut your tounge out because that are never going to happend. " He said " You don't want to cut my tounge of because I know how much you like it, and we just have too see if it happens again. " I said " Do you know I hate you!" He just said " Aaw I love you too honey!" I just said angry " Bye Jensen!" He said " See you tomorrow sexy, love you and tell Madde if she needs to talk I'm here or just hang out. Good night honey" I just mumbl " Good night " And hang up. Madde said " Was Jared taking care of him? " I said " I don't know but they where alive anyway. And he said if you ever wanted to talk or just hang out he is always there for you. " Madde said " You wouldn't mind that? " I said " No not at all. I trust you guys. Talk to him I think he understands alittle how you feel too after that with me and him " She said " Thanks. Yeah maybe I will. " I kissed her cheek and we countined watching the tv.

After an hour or so we turned it off and just lie there in bed togeheter and looked at each other and I said " You know if like you can stay with me and Jensen at the hotel if you need us, we are always there for you. Or I will come over here.. " She said " Thanks. " Then we lied there the whole night and she started to cry again and I just grabed her hand a lied there and she put her head on my arm and lie there all night almost and after like 5 hours she fall a sleep and I just lied there tsroking her hair and looking at her. I'm so glad that she finally falled a sleep she needes that, and the first few days will be the hardest on for her but I know she will make it she is stronger then she think. I love her so much and it feels good to just be here for her even though I'm barly doing anything.. but this day reminded of when we was the best friends we use to be and when one of us was sad and we was lied there and tried to make each other feel a little better. I miss that time even thoughs worsed days..

Well that was our sad day even thought it didn't happend that much..
And tomorrow Madde will blogg.
So have a nice day tomorrow.
Kisses
Tove