Moodswings

Heya.

Well I can tell you that things still suck... Tove is still living at Niklas and Saras place and Jensen is still at the hotel and I'm stuck here with people who hates me... Let me tell you about what has happened today but first let me tell you about mine and Mys visit to jensen.

When we got to the hotel and he opened the door he looked like a wreck but gave my a big hug and a kiss on the cheek and then he gave me a weak smile that I returned. he asked us to wait one second and then he disappeared into the bathroom and when he came back he had freshened up so he looked like Jensen again but his eyes were still filled with pain. We sat down and talked for a while and My asked why he was staying at the hotel and Jensen said that he couldn't stay at the house because Krisen said so. Then My said that she hated krisen but both me and Jensen tried to talk her out of it and then she siad "I miss you jensen. And tove..". She cuddled closer to him and he stroke her hair and said "I miss you to sweety, and I miss Tove so so much.". Then he asked me if I had heard anything from her but I just shook my head and said "She doesn't want to speak to me... Then only thing i've heard from her is through the blog or through Sara and Niklas and Nicky... I miss her jensen.". He shook his head and said "She won't pick up my calls, I just want to hear her voice... I miss her so, it hurts so bad. How the hell could I be so stupid!?" I said "I know Jensen, I know. I've asked myself that very same question a thousand times but I never come up with a good answer.". Jensen siad "How could I do that to her? I love her more then anything in the whole wide world and I would die for her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her and I totally blew it! I can't live without her, I just can't...". I looked into his eyes and saw tears welling up in them and I said "She loves you too, so much jensen. But Jensen you can't do anything stupid, please don't do anything stupid.". He sighed and a single tear fell down his cheek and he said "Should I go home?" I bit my lip and said "I dn't know... ask her and if she wants you to go then it's up to you to deside.". He stroke away the tears that were falling down his cheeks and he siad "How can I ask her, she wont even pick up... But if I leave, can you drive me to the airport then?". I nodded and said "Text her, and be straight with her don't try and make up an excuse because that will just hurt her more, just ask what she want and be gentle. And of course I can drive you, don't worry about it.". Jensen nodded and said "Okay, I'll do that... thanks madde." I just said "Yeah, don't worry about it." and then My aksed "Can't we go to the playground?!" jensen smiled and said "Sure thing honey." then he asked if i wanted to come but just then my phone rang and it was nicky who asked if i wanted to cme over. So I said goodbye to jensen and my and went over to nickys place.

Okay.. today...
When I woke up after two hours of sleep I went downstairs and got a cup of coffee, it was to early for anyone to be up at that time but it didn't do me anything because I rather not meet anyone of this family right now or not the once living in the house. I sat down in the livingroom and put on the tv and watched some stupid comedyseries, it wasn't even funny but then all of the sudden I heard someone walk in the stairs so I got myself ready to be yelled at but then Jared peeked in and said "I thought it was you... couldn't sleep?". I just shook my head and pulled my knees up under my chin and hugged my legs. He walked over to me and sat down next to me and kissed my cheek and said "Do you want me to talk to her?" I just shook my head and said "if you want to but i don't think it'll help... but you are a good man Jared and I know she enjoys talking with you so if you want to you can go and talk to her.". He wrapped his arms around me and said "I think I'll do that, it will probobly not help but I just want her to know that I'm here for her if she needs to talk.". i breathed in his scent and said "I know, then you should talk to her." he nodded and kissed my hair and siad "Well then I will pay her a visit later today.". He let go of me and gave me a soft kiss and walked into the kitchen and began to make himself some breakfast. I stayed in the livingroom but totally ignored the tv because all I could think about was Tove and how badly I wanted to make things right between us. Suddenly my phone rang and scared the hell out of me, I even screamed so Jared came running and asked what happened and when he understood that I got scared for the phone he just bursted out laughing and went back to the kitchen. I answered the phone and Nicky said "Hey love, what are you doing?" I shook my head and said "Nicky Byrne you scared the living daylights out of me! I'm just watching tv. What about you.". Nicky laught and said "Sorry I didn't mean to scare you. Nah now much therefore I was wondering if you wanted to come over? Kian and Shane is going shopping but I didn't really feel like going with so.". I smiled and said "Just let me get dressed and I'll be over." we hung up and I walked into the kitchen to leave my cup. Jared was sitting at the table so I stopped and sat down and said "When are you going over to Tove then?" he shook his head and said "Dunno.". I got up and told him that I was going to nickys and I could tell he wasn't happy about it so I sat back down and asked what was wrong and he siad "nothing, I promis. look I have no reason to be jealous but still I am, just ignore me.". I got up and walked over to him and leaned in and gave him a kiss and said "I could never ignore you."then I walked upstaris to change clothes.

When I opened my wardrobe and tried to find the clothes I wanted I noticed that one of my favorite dresses was missing. I searched throught the whole wardrobe but it was nowhere to be found and then I just thought about one person that would take my dress without asking and especially now. I walked over to jessicas room and knocked on the door, after a while she opened the door but was just about to close it again when she saw me but I had just had enough by then. I forced the door open and walked into her room and into her wardrobe, she was just yelling at me to go away and that I was a bitch and wasn't allowed to be in her room. I opened the door and threw out a fw of her clothes and then I saw it. There it was, my dress. I took it up and looked at her and said "What gives you the right to go into my room and into my wardrobe and take my dress without asking!?". She just stared at me and put her chin up like she didn't care if i got angry with her. I said "All this that has happened now has nothing what so ever to do with you! I'm fine with you calling me names and shit but you keep your fucking hands off my stuff!!". Then I walked out of her room and into mine and sat down on my bed and tried to calm down. I don't give a rats ass if she calles me names but if she so much as lay one finger on my stuff again without asking I will not be very happy with her and she will notice, mark my words. I put the dress back on it's place and changed clothes and on my way out I locked my door and put a piece of tape on the top of the door so that I could see if someone had been in my room after me. I walked downstairs and ran into Krisen and Dennis, Krisen, of course, didn't say one word but Dennis greeted me with a happy "hey you." I just smiled at him and said hi back and was just about to open the door when Krisen said "You going somewhere? To jensen maybe?". I felt how angry i got so I turned around and said "Yes I'm going somewhere and no I'm not going to Jensen I'm going to Nicky if you must know. Even though it's not really any of your business where i go or what I do!" then I just walked out of there and slammed the door shut. I could hear her yell from inside but I just walked into the garage and got the alfa romeo and drove off. It felt so good to sit in a car and become one with it. I love cars, they never argue with you, they never baile and they love what you love.. to drive fast and feel the wind and everything. It didn't take more then 5 minutes to drive to Nickys place and you all might think that it was just dumb to take the car because it would just take 15 mintues to walk but I thought it might come in handy. I got out and locked it and walked over to the door which was alittle bit open. I got in and called out for nicky who answered "I'm in the kitchen!" I smiled and closed the door behind me and walked over to the kitchen where he said he was and there he was, baking... I just started to laugh becuase he looked so funny in an apron and he had a bandana on his head. He looked at me and said "What?" I tried to stop laughing which is really hard for me and I said "I never thought I would see you in that.". Then he posed and pouted with his lips and said "Don't I look sexy?" I just laught and walked over to him and gave him a kiss on the cheek and said "You always look sexy, babe.". He laught and told me to sit down and I said "So what are you baking?" he smiled and said "It's a cake my mum used to do, I asked Shane to bring the ingredients with him form Ireland because you guys here in sweden doesn't have everything we have there.". I laught and said "Maybe not but you guys don't have verything we have here." he stuck out his tongue to me and said "Where did miss smartypants come from?". I just smiled and said "Well she is in here with me all the time but it's not often people get the honour of meeting her. You are one lucky man.". He laught and said "I can feel how lucky I am.". We continued to talk while he was baking but when he was done and he had put the cake in the oven we went into the livingroom and sat down to watch a movie. We put on "Fun with Dick and Jane" because Nicky had nver seen it and I just love it because jim Carrey is in it. Both me and Nicky was lying in the sofa laughing our bums off and when the movie was done Nicky looked at me and it was with these really intence eyes and all of the sudden he just bursted out singing "I believe I can fly". I like fell off the sofa because I was laughing so hard and nicky did the exact same moves as jim does in the movie! It was hilarious!!!

After the movie we just sat in the sofa talking for a while untill the kitchen timer rang and then Nicky ran into the kitchen and took out the cake. It looked so delicious so we sat down and took a peice and it was really good! We ate and talked for a while and then I asked if he had seen Tove today but he just shook his head and siad "no, I havn't been over today. Haven't talked to zara either so I don't really have any info conserning her. Sorry.". I shrugged and said "It's okay, it's not your job to keep me in the loop of what is going on over there. It's just that i miss her so much.". He got up and gave me a hug and then he sat down infront of me and took my hands and said "I know you do honey and I think she misses you too. I just wish I knew a way to fix this... I'm sorry.". I said "I don't know, maybe she does maybe she doesn't... I wish there was a way to fix this too. You have nothing to be sorry about, it's not your fault.". He stroke my cheek and then he looked down on my hands and stroke my scar with his index finger. Then he looked into my eyes and the sad and scared eyes were back from when everything happened with the cutting and all. He said "You won't do anything stupid now will you? I won't be able to handle that, you know that right?" I wrapped my arms around his head and hugged him and said "I promis you I won't. I will not put you back in that position or anyone else for that matter. I love you to much and I hate t see you sad.". He just sat there with his head in my lap while I hugged him and when we broke from the hug I noticed that his cheeks were wet with tears. I hate to see him cry, it just breaks my heart. I wiped away his tears and said "Don't worry, I just need you there with me and then I can go through anything." he nodded and took a deep breath and said "I won't leave you.". Then he stood up and went back to his chair and we just continued to eat in silence. After another hour or so we heard Shane and Kian coming home and when they got into the livingroom where we now was located they gave me a hug and then both me and Nicky was curious what they had in their bags so they started to model for us. I must say that they had found some pretty nice clothes and the looked really handsome in them. After that they just sat down and hung out with me and nicky but then Nicky asked if he could talk with me outside for a sec and Shane said "Didn't we leave you two alone enough?". nicky just laught and said "No man, you should know better." then he took my hand and lead me outside. I asked what he wanted to talk to me about and he siad "Am I hurting you?" I felt realyl confused and must have looked so too because he said "because all this with who i love and that.". I didn't say anything for a while because I tried to think how I felt about that... It hasn't really been the thing on my mind lately. I said "My heart is still broken, yes. And I love you soooo much Nicky but I happy with how we have it right now and I must admit that you and me aren't really the thing I think about right now... Now I just want to fix things with Tove.". He stroke my arm and said "I'm so sorry that i have broken you heart, I hate that because I love you and you mean so much to me and your heart is one of the many things i love about you because you have such a big heart. But I can undertsand that you and I aren't really your biggest consern right now.". I gave him a soft smile and wrapped my arms around him and said "Nicky Byrne you worry to much. Let's just try and see this through and be there for me and then we can deal with our problem.. okay?". He nodded and gave me a kiss on the cheek then he took my hand and we walked abck inside to Kian and shane.

After a few more hours it was time for me to head home so I gave all of them a hug and a kiss on the cheek and left the house. When I sat down in the car and put the key in the ignition the radio started and out through the speakers Westlife
sang "Angel" which is one of my favorite songs. I just sat there without driving away from the house and thought about Tove and all the fun and crazy things we have done in our life. All the partying, the boys but also the time when we were chased by a murderer or the first time we were in the cottage and had the time of our life. Tears started to fall down my face while Shane was singing and I couldn't start the engine and drive home. I just sat there crying wanting my best friend back, wanting all those times back, all the laughs and even the the times when one of us were hurt and we could just lay in the same bed eating ice-cream, crying and cuddling. I miss her so much!!! How could I be such a bitch and almost have sex with her boyfriend?? God please shoot me!! After a few minutes when the song had ended and a new song began I finally had calmed down and could start the engine and drive off home. When I came home and drove into the garage I saw my baby stand there at the exact same spot as where I left it. I sighed and felt even more horrible just by looking at it but then I remembered that I got a make-over for my car when I turned 25 so now would be a good time to use it. I tought about it when I walked inside and into the kitchen where everyone was allready seated.Everyone stared at me with angry eyes except Johan and Jared, I hesitate in the doorway and thought if food was worse their angry stares but then Jared walked up to me, gave me a hug and put a hand on my back and turned to the table and said "Can you guys stop staring at her, she is already feeling horrible and if you sill want her in your life then you should stop behaving like little children and grow up! Especially the grown ups!" and then he stared at krisen, tim and jessica. None of them said anything so Jared lead me to my chair and then he tried to start a normal conversation but no one answered him except Johan, so they sat there talking about nothing and everything and I just tried to eat as fast as possible and then leave the table. After a few minutes I finally finished and left the table and went upstairs to my room and threw myself on the bed and just laid there, I felt like crying but couldn't, don't ask me why. So I just laid there and looked into the ceiling when someone knocked on the door and Jared peeked in. I just ran up and threw myself in his arms and then my tears finally started to fall and he just closed the door and walked with me over to the bed and sat down with me while I was crying and he just held me. When I didn't have anything more to cry I just looked up at him and he stroke a lock of hair away from my face adn pressed his soft lips against mine. When our lips parted I looked him deep in the eyes and said "Thank you Jared!" he said "No one treats you like that without me telling them off." then he kissed me again and it felt so good to know that he is there. We alid down on the bed and Jared put on a movie and after a while I fell asleep in his strong arms. When I woke up the movie had ended and Jared was sleeping too and the clock was about 1 at night so I desided to blog and then go back to Jared so now when I done with the blog Jards arms are waiting for me so. Night!!

Tove will blog tomorrow.
Take care
Love
Madde