The End

Hello...

Nothing have change I'm still as broken as before, and it feels like I always will be that for the rest of my life. I never want to fall in love again, it just point less since everything always ends up in a mess and someone always get hurt. And it
is just man in the whole world that I wanted in my life and there is no one like him. Before I acutally belived in soulmates and that it was one person that you where meant to be with for the rest of your life, but right now I don't think a soulmate or anything like that excist. I thought I had found my soulmate, my man that I wanted to be with intill death do us apart. I wanted to speand every singel minut and second with him, and I even caring his baby which is a big deal for me, and I even considerd marring him and I would never have done that with any other then him. He made me so happy, everytime I looked at him I smiled and got warm inside, when I kissed him it was like the most amazing dream that I never wanted to wake up from. He is the most romantice guy ever and I know he really cared how I was feeling and thinking, he was also and amazing listner which guys useally not are. He made me feel special in so many way that I can't even describe, and when he looked at me with those amazing my heart just started to beat faster and faster and I just melted and he didn't have to tell me that he loved me because I could see it in his eyes the way he looked at me with loveing, caring eyes. I felt like a princess in a beautiful little fairytale where all my dreams came true and he was my own prince. But that wonderful fairytale ended to soon in disaster. The prince wasn't he suppose to save the sad, scared and worried princess from the big green firey dragon that wanted to hurt the princess? I think the answer is suppose to be yes but in this tale the big brave prince hurted the princess more then the dragon ever could have done. Because the handsome prince couldn't deside what was right and wrong, if he should stay and satisfy his hunger and needs or save the scared princness from the big ugly dragon. The brave prince who wasn't so brave anymore since he had choosed the wrong way and been selfish insted of thinking at the princess who really need her prince right now when she was going throw a hard time in her life. So the non- brave prince hurt the princess so much that her whole heart just exploded of pain and disappointment and she feelt so lonely. And when the prince finally wanted to help the princess desided it was to late, he had his chance and he choosed something else insted of the helpless princess. So the princess walked away with sorrow in her heart and tears rolling down her cheeks and she had never felt that lonely before. But how sad she even was or disappointed she still loved her prince with everything that got left of her. The worsed thing was that how much the princess tried to hate him and forget about him she just loved him more and more..
Tales useally ends with " They lived happily ever after " about this tale I wish I could say the same that the princess and prince lived happly ever after and they had a amazing life together.. but this tale didn't end like that, this ended tale ended in betray, sadness and disappointment because the prince never got his princess back after his selfish and idoitic act so instead they lived Miserble ever after.. alone.

I think 97 % of my day I'm thinking about Jensen, what he might be doing and feeling
and thing and just everything.. but I still stand by that I never want to see him again. I don't know how I ever will be happy again in this life, I'm all alone in this world and I'm pregnate and fat.. I'm not even sure if I should keep the baby or not, it is a few thoughts that has been spining around in my brain all the time and those are " Can I do this alone? Am I strong enough to do this? Can I go throw another aborton, since the last time was so psychicly painful? Will I be a good mum? What should I do? Those are the qustions who is taking a lot of space in my brain and I don't have a answer for any of those qustions, I wish I did but I don't. Madde thinks I love my baby she said that, but maybe she is right maybe I do, I really don't know anything right now.. I wish I had the answer but i don't..

Madde still say she wants to see me and talks to me but I have nothing to say to
her, and it will just hurt more if I saw her. I asked why she wanted to see me and she said it was because she wanted me to say to her face to face that I hated her and never wanted to see her again or talk to her, and if i did that she would never disturbe me again and just disappear.
But I don't want to tell her that because of of it is a lie because I don't hate her, I love her and I always will, don't know why I still love her after what she have done towards me but I do and I can't just make that disappear even if I really wanted to. But I have knewn her for so long that what I feels for her can not just be forgotten in a day or two, so Madde I will never hate you so don't bother to try o convince me not too. Just a qustion would you be able to hate me?
But she has the other half right that I never want to see her again or speak to her anyway. But I don't want her to disappear from her friends and family, we share family and I never want her to forget about them and leave them. She needs them and they need her, so she needs to stay with them even thought they arn't that nice right now.

Well let's talk more specific about the day, shall we?
Or let start at the night. I couldn't sleep last night as useal so I picked up my computer from my bag since I hadn't used it after I got her, I had used Zaras computer insted so I turned it on and when the desk background poped up I had
totally forgot that it was a picture of me and Jensen, and we was laughing and teasting each other and it was a great piture and a great day it had been, I looked at it and tears started to roll down my cheeks so I quicky chanaged picture to some random thing. But that didn't relly help because it was all reday crying and new tears started just to roll down so I just sat there crying and I put on sad song too which they had played the first time me and Jensen was out on a real date, and that song just made me cry more, I put the computer to the side and put the song on repeat and lie down in the bed crying and after a few hours I feels a sleep crying.

I woke up really early this morning and teh cumputers battrie had died so it was quit and so was the whole apartment aswell. so I got up anyway and walked out in the kitchen and sat there for a while thinkining, but I don't want to think that just makes it worse and that movie with Jensen and Madde on her car just gets stronger then in my head, so I thought I should make breakfast to everyone to keep myself busy. After a while when I was fully busy making the breakfast then Kim walked into the kitchen and said good morning and I said good morning back and she asked what I was doing and I told her and I asked if she wanted to help and she smiled and said yes. While we was cooking Kim asked " Why are you hear? Is it because you are sad about something? " I sign and said " Yeah something like that. " Kim said " What are you sad about? " I said " I broke up with Jensen, and I am not speaking with Madde... it complicate " Kim walked over to me and gave me a hug and said " I'm sorry for what ever had happend, I want you to be happy agian. " I said " Thanks honey, so do I.. " Then we countinue making breakfast and I started to take the clean dishes out from the dishwasher and put them back in there kitchen cabinets and while I did that Kim asked " Do you hate my father? " I stopped what I was doing and looked at her and said " No I don't hate him, we have just diffrent oppintions about
a lot of things. " Kim said " I hate him!" I walk over to her and sat down on a chair next to her and said " You do? I know he loves you very much. " She said " More then Madde? " I said " Yes I know he loves you more then Madde, you are his kids he loves you more then anything in this world. " Kim said " Why don't he want us to be a family again then? " I sign and said " I can't answer that honey, maybe you should ask him? " She said " No I don't want to talk to him. " I gave her a hug and walked over to the dishwasher again and countine too pick the plaits out and then Niklas walked into the kitchen and smiled and looked at me and then Kim and then he said " It smells good in here. " Kim said " I hope so we are making breakfast " Niklas smiled and looked at me and I was still taken the dishes out of the dishwasher and Niklas said " You don't have to do that and not the breakfast either, I mean you don't have to think about things like this now. " I said " I want to do it, it makes me think about something else " He gave me a hug and said " Then thanks for helping out " He strok my back and it felt good to hug him then he let go and I countinued and then Sara walked into the kitchen and she was just wearing a
top and her panties and she said good morning with a really tired voice and Zara walked into the kitchen a few seconds after and looked at Sara and laughte a little said " Did you forget you clothes again? " Sara just started at her angry and hit her on the arm and Zara laughted and Sara said " You do the same!" Zara said " Yeah maybe but not today and not as often as you" Zara said to me " She can walk around like that the whole day. " I said " I'm use to it my best... Madde... do that too " Then I chage subject and said it was time for breakfast and Sara said " You did breakfast? So sweeit " She gave me a hug and Zara said she was going to wake Emma and David. After a few minuts they where up too and we sat down and started to eat and then my phone called and I looked who it was and on the display it stood Maddes name so I just hang up, and everyone looked at me but I just countinued talking.

After breakfast I took a shower and then I started to think again about everything
like I always do when Im alone and don't have my mined occupad with something else so tears started to rolld down my cheeks again and the water from the shower washed them away but new just countine falling. And that " movie " was so clear in my head and that was everything I saw.
When I got out the shower I got dressed and thought I should go and make mum a visit and yell at her a little because she treathed Jensen in a bad way when she throw him out which i don't like. I walked over to the house and walked inside and I meet Johan in the hallway he walked over to me and and put a arm around my shoulders and asked how I was doing, I just looked down and sign and said " How do you think " He looked at me and said " I'm sorry things ended up as they did, if it's something you need then you just tell me. " He hugged me and I asked where mum was and he said everyone was sitting in the kitchen eating lunch except My and Madde because they where visting Jensen. Johan followed me into the kitchen and mum smiled when she saw me and so did the others amd Emil run over to me and gave me a hug and then he sat down again. Mum said " Are you moving home again now when Jensen is gone? " I said " No, and we need to talk about that!" Mum looked at me confused and asked what was wrong and I said angry " How the hell can you treath Jensen like that and just throw him out without a warning and infront of everybody?! You should know that would hurt me even more because I still love him with all my heart or what is left of my heart anyway! You didn't need to make him cry and be so fucking mean!" Tim said angry " He deserves it!" I said angry " He dosn't deserves it! If it wasn't for him you would
have a daughter or a bigsister, I would be death but he saved my life, dosn't that mean anything?! " Mum said " He is never coming back into this house!" I said angry to my siblings " When mum trow him out counld someone of you stand up for him and be there for him after everything he has done for you under this years, he have never done anything bad towards you he has just been there when you needed him he was always there. So when he needed you, all of you just pused him away!! " Jess said " He is a dickhead!! If you think Mikle is a dick then Jensen is too!" Then Tim said " And no one who cheats is staying in this shouse!!" I said " Fine then I can never move back home either" Tim said " Okay it wasn't like that! I just mean that Jensen and that blonde bitch should be out of here!" I said " I agree that teh blonde bitch never will move in here. Because Molly should just die!" Tim said " I meant Madde and no Molly!! " I said angry " You sre going to stop calling her all those words right the way!! You have no right to call her a whore, a slut or a bitch or something else! And no one in thsi family is going to call her that or anyone else!!" Tim stood up and walked by me and when he passed me he said " She is not in this family anymore! You are my sister and I will protect you because I love you! " Then he walked upstairs and I heard he closed his door with a slam. Then I looked at Jess and she said angry " I will call her whatever I want!! And him too!! I will never forgive them!!" I said angry " No you want call them those things!! I love them even thuogh I never want to see them again!! I'm really disappointed in all of you for not be able to stand up for Jensen for everything he have done towarsds this family! I'm proued My did it anyway!! I know they did somethinf wrong and I'm so hurt that I can't even describe it but that dosn't make you the riight to treath them like that!! " Jess yelled " How the hell can you love them?!! They should be death?!!" Jess just ran pass me and said " You desevres better then those two and You should hate them!!" Then she ran upstairs too. Then I was tired of thsi conevestion so I left the kitchen and walked up to my room to get some things. I walked into my room and my tears just started to roll down my cheeks again because the whole room just smelled like Jensen and on the sofa he had left his shirt I walked over there and picked it up and then I started to cry for real and I just lied my head down on my knees and cryed my eyes out in his shirt and it was so good and so horible at the same time to breath in his scentens, I cried for almost an half an hour and I just wanted to die and forget about everything that have happend and those things that makes my heart bloeeding and hurt, I can't do this anymore..

When I got back Nicky was there and he and Zara was talking in the kitchen so I thought I should let them talk alone, but Nicky saw me and asked how I was doing, so I walked over there and said " Isn't that obvious? Don't I look as wreak? " Nicky said " No you don't, you are beautiful. " I looked at him like he was crazy and said " Don't lie to me Nicky, I look horrible otherwise you are blind " He said " Okay you have looked better but it's not that bad. " He walked over to me and gave me a hug and I said " Thanks for everything " He said " Don' worry about it. " Zara said " Have you been crying? " I looked at her and then down and she walked over to me and gave me a hug after Nicky. Then I walked into the room where I sleeps and lied down on the bed and then my brain started to think like crazy I thought about when I had found them I wounder what they ahd been thinking then or if they even cared. And if Jensen even had thought about me before he made that destion to jump on Madde and why Madde didn't say no when she knew how I would feel. Everything is just like a mess in my head right now, I just wish some one could tell me all teh answers to my qustions and make my head stop hurting and make my eyes stop crying and just make me happy again..

When I had laied there for a while My opend the door and ran into me and throw herself on me and hugged me and said " I miss you so much!" I kissed her and said " I miss you too honey!" She kissed my cheek and I asked who had followed her here and
she said it was Johan and then she said " Why is you and Jensen not living at home and why don't mum want Jensen at home? and why are you not living toghetr? " I looked sat her infront of me on the bed and said " You are a little young to understand this but I can just try to expline in another way. I need to be away from the house for a while because something have happend that made me really sad and Jensen is not staying at home because he made me sad and disappointed at him and that is why mum dosn't want him there. " My looked really sad amd said " Dose that mean I also have to hate Jensen? " I said " No of course not. I think you should love Jensen and hang out with him because I know how much he loves you " My smiled and said " good, he is almost like my dad. " I smiled and said " I know. " My said " We was theer today me and Madde. " I said " I know, what did you do there? " My smiled and said " He gave me a ice cream and when Madde left to go to Nicky after a while we went out on a playground and it was so fun. I love haning out with him. He said that he missed me alot and... he said he missed you too " I looked down and said " You seemed to have a great day togehter " My smiled and said " We had, I was worried that he would just cry all teh time since he did that the day he left but he was like always is which is great. " I said " Yeah he is a great guy. " My said " Yeah I asked Jensen if I could sleep there with him and he said yes but mum said no.. I hate her. " I said " She said no? Do you want me to talk to her so maybe you can sleep there tomorrow? Because I know Jensen would love that. " My nooded and said " Can't I sleep her with you tonight Because I miss you too? " I smiled and said " Of course you can. " My smiled and I picked up the phone and called mum and she answer just after a few signales and she asked what was wrong because my voice sounded irratated and I said " Everything is wrong. But i want to ask you why My can't sleep over with Jensen? " Mum sign and said " I don't trust him, soI don't want her there alone all night " I looked at My and said " Go and see what Ida do and then I come and find you " She smiled and left the room then I said angry to mum " What the hell do you think he would do to her?! He would never hurt My, he would die for her he loves her like his daughter! Have he done anything to hurt My or someone else? " Mum said "I know what he would do, and I know he loves her.. and you are right he have never hurt My but I still don't trsut him. " I said " Mum come on! My needs him and Jensen needs her, and I can promis you that he would never hurt her he loves kids more then anything and especially My and she is crazy about him. Can't she stay over for one night tomorrow? " Mum sign and said " Fine! But I will kill him if he hurt her in someway!" I said " It won't be nesseary to kill him, and he is a much better babysiterto My then Madde is that's for sure and probaly better then me too because he acutally enjoy doing it which I oftet don't do. So thanks for giving him a chance. " Mum said " Yeah yeah.. but I'm not doing it for him I'm doing it for My. " I said " Yeah she will be so happy, and by the way she is stayoing her tonight if that is okay with you? " Mum said " Yeah of course that is okay. " Then we said good bye and hang up and I walked out from my room and found My with Ida in the living and I told her the good news and she ran towards me and hugged me and then she countine playing.

At dinner we didn't say that much it was mostly the kids talking and Nicky was there too and then all teh sudden it knockes on the door and Emma get up and to opend and with her she have her 19 year old boyfriend if you remebere him named Viktor which Zara didn't like at all and he is a weird dude I have to say. He said hi to me, Sara and Zara and then Emma intrudouce him to the others and I could see Zara didn't like that he was there. Nicky asked how old he was and he said " 19 " I could see Nicky didn't like him either since he was kind of Emmas father and Nicky asked what he worked with and said " I don't have a job. " Then he looked at Emma and said " Do you want to follow me outside and take a smoke? " He kissed her and both Nicky and Zara got upset and Nicky said " That will never happend man! To be honest I don't like that you smoke or that you are dating Emma. " Viktor said " Yeah well you can't
deside who she loves and don't right? " Both Nicky and Zara was furious right now and Viktor looked at Emma and said " I have your bra with me that you forgot at my place " Nicky looked at Zara and then at Viktor and said " What?! You should now better then have sex with a 15 year old girl! You ae almost an adult!" Emma just said Who said we had sex? " zara said " So you didn't? " Emma smiled and said " Maybe, maybe not. " Then she kissed Viktor and took his hand and said " Let's go for a walk. " They left and both Nicky and zara just wanted to kill him, when they had calm down a little Nicky said " How the hell can she date him?" Zara said " She is just doing it to piss me off. " I asked how she could be so sure about that and she sign and said " because I would have done the same thing to piss Krisen off. " I laughted and said " Sounds like you back in the days " Nicky said " Why the hell dose she have to be so alike you when you where in that age?!" Zara said " When I was 15 i was so much worse then she is I promis you that, when I was maybe 13 I was like she is now.. so we should be happy that she isn't as bad as me. " Sara said " Oh yeah, I can't belive you where such a bad ass back in the days and now you are like this, I mean you have done things that I have never even thought about doing and now you are like a diffrent person " Zara said " yeah I know, I can't belive I have been so stupid.. " Nicky looked at her and said " What hve you done that not even Sara would do?" Sara laughted and Zara said " Let's take those storys when our kids isn't listing. " Nicky laughted and said " Sounds good, but really how bad was you? " Sara laughted and said " If Madde have been hard work for Krisen but to compare with Zara she must have been a piece of a cake because Zara was like the devil herself. " Nicky just looked at Zara with big eyes and Zara sign and said " What?" Nicky said suprised "I thought I knew everything about you but apprenly not. " Then we all laughted and countine eating.

After dinner My and me laied down in the bed and watch Curious Georges new movie and
My is so cute she laughted all the time and she was really looking at the movie and I could barly talk to her. So cute! Then I read a book to her and she feel a sleep.
I lied there looking at her and she is so cute when she sleeps and I have to say I don't think me an My are alike at all when she is a wake but when she falls a sleep she acutally reminds me how I look when I was in her age so that is kind of fascinated. When I was younger I acutally thought that I was adopted because I'm not alike mum or Eddie or my siblings at all, of them remind a little about ecah other but i don't. It just is My who is a little alike me, but that is just when she sleepes and she lookes so peacuful and cute when she sleeps like she is the sweeites person in teh world who never have done anything bad but we all know that is not true. I told Madde that she is a good bigsister, but apparently she don't think so, she said that she wasn't as good as me. The thing is me and Madde are so diffrent and she is a great sister with those ability she has, she is doing her best and that is what everyone exspect her to do. Except that time when she baby sat My, but otherwise she is always been there for them, if they where sad, or happy or just wanted to talk. So she just as good sister to them as I'm.

Then I walked out to Zara, Sara and Niklas in the livingroom and sat down. Sara asked if I had talkd to Madde, I shooked my head asked if she had and she said " Yeah, it's still okay right? " I said " Of course she needs you " Sara said " Do you know how great friend you are? I mean if Zara had saw with Niklas I would kill her and wish her all misery in life and not wish her all happines in life liek you. But it is amazing that you still care and don't want her to be miserble and alone. " I said " Thanks,I still love her you know even thought i never ever want to speak to her agin. " Sara said " I know. " She hugged me and we countiuned talking about alot of other things. Even thought I try to laught and have fun and forget I just can't because back in my mind it always there, and it still hurts so much. I really just want to die or drug myself down. I would do anything to makie the pain go away.. but I don't know what.. after a few hours I walked into My again who was sleeing like an angel and I lied down next to her and ofcourse I startedto think again and tears started to roll down my cheeks again, so I picked up my computer so I wouldn't cry that much and here I'm. but the blogging didn't help I'm still crying and the world feels like hell.. but that's life..

Well the princess will miss and love the prince for the rest of her life, but she will still be alone for the rest of her life. And the princess and the prince lived miserble ever after.. alone.
The End.

Kisses
Tove