But why?

Heya!

YAY!! Tove and Jensen is finally home and I'm so happy about that! :D Let me tell you about what happened today.

When i woke up this morning next to Jared he was still sleeping so I just laid there looking at his peaseful face. I brushed a lock of hair away from his face and he moved alittle and I smiled and lookd at every little ditail of his face. His eyesbrows, his nose, his wonderful lips, the dots he has on his face that is just so charming. I smiled and slowly stroke his cheek and ran my thumb over his lips and I felt how he pouted his lips against it and kissed it. I smiled as he slowly moved his hand up to mine that was placed on his cheek and he took it and put it over his mouth and he kissed my palm. Then he opened his eyes and smiled as he looked into my eyes and I was just breathtaken by everything his eyes told me. He left my hand on his cheek and he stroke my arm up to my shoulder, over my neck to my face and he stroke my cheek. I pressed my face against his hand and closed my eyes and when I opened them again he slolwy leaned in and pressed his lips against mine in a kissed filled with love. When our lips let go I smiled and said "I love you." he smiled and kissed me again and said "I love you too. Are you happy?". I smiled and said "Yes, I am. You are here with me, Tove and jensen is home and Nicky and I are friends. I have everything I need.". He smiled and kissed me and siad "I'm happy that you are happy." I smiled and cuddled up closer to him and he kissed my hair and we laid there cuddleing for a while when my phone suddenly rang. I picked it up and saw that it was shane so I said "Hey Shay! How are you!?". He laughed and said "hey honey! I'm fine, how are you? I'm sorry if I woke you up.". I smiled and stroke my hand over Jareds chest and said "that's good, I'm great! I was awake so don't worry about it. Just lying here with Jared doing nothing.". he siad "Oh, I hpe i didn't interrupt something.". I laughed and said "No Shane, you didn't I promis. So what's up?" he laughed and said "Good! Well... I was jut wondering if you could come over to Nicky later today?". I smiled and said "Sure I can do that, I want to see all of you and why don't all of you come to dinner here tonight so that My can meet Nicole and so that everyone gets to see you all.". He said "Sure we would love to come over... you mean all of us, mark, me, kian, nicky and our girls?". I smiled and said "yes all of you. I'll be at nickys around 3 or something, okay?". He laughed and sad "okay good. That sounds great! See you then. Bye honey.". I smiled and said "Se yah. Bye babe." and then I laid the phone down on the bedsidetable. I looked up at Jared and he siad "Shane?" I nodded and said "Is it okay if I go over to nickys later?". He smiled and stroke my cheek and said "yes it's okay. I have already told you that I want the two of you to be friends and now the rest of your friends are there so of course you have to go!". I smiled and kissed him and said "you are the best!" he laughed and said "I thought Tove was the best?". I stared at him and said "You are the best in different ways." he smiled and siad "And what way am i the best in then?". I gave him a cheesy smile and said "Well, sex, kissing and you make me feel this way and I love it. And the fact tat you want me and nicky to be friends are just so amazing and I love you so much for that.". He smiled and kissed me and said "Well I'm not sure if I'm the best at sex and kissing but I'm happy you feel the way you do.". I laughed and said "Well believe me when I say that you are the best in that too!". He kissed me nad rolled us around so that he was ontop of me and he stroke my right side down to my hip and over my stomach and I ran my fingers over his bare back and felt his amazing muscles work undr his skin. But all of the sudden someone knocked on the door and peeked in and I heard Toves voice say "Oh, sorry.". Jared shook his head and looked at her but he stayed ontop of me and I looked at her too and she siad "Can I talk to Madde or do you guys want to finish and we can talk later and skip tony?". I sighed and said "I'll be done in five and then we can talk but we are going to Tonys later, I swear to god.". She sighed and left the room and Jared looked down on me and siad "Why?". I stroke his cheek and said "Because i need to talk to her." He raised his eyesbrows and said "Wasn't it enough yesterday?". I shook my head and siad "No, this time we have to talk about something really important. Why? You want me to stay?". He nodded and siad "Okay. Yeah I wanted you to stay. I will miss you, won't see you untill dinner then.". I stroke his cheek and kissed him and siad "I'm sorry. I will miss you too and think about you all the time.". He smiled slightly and said "Good. I will think about you too." I smiled and siad "That was very nice to hear.". He smiled and kissed me one last time and then we got up and got dressed and went downstairs to eat breakfast and we met Tove and Jensen in the kitchen.

They smiled and said good morning and we began to make our breakfast and then we sat down and joined them at the table. All of the sudden Jensen asked "So what happens for you guys today?". Jared shrugged and I said "I'm first going t talk to your girlfriend and then we are going to Tony to check up on the dresses and then I'm going to nickys. What about you?". Tove stared at me and Jensen said "That sounds good. I don't know, guess i'll hang with Jared while you steal my girl away. What are you oing to do at nickys then?". And Tove said "yeah that's a good question.". i ignored her and smiled and said "Well Shane, Kian and mark is there and their families and I really want to see them again so I'm just going there to hang and we might plan something for tomorrow and nickys party.". He smiled and said "Really? Well pass my love on to them and I can't wait to meet them either.". I smiled and said "I will do that and you'll meet them at dinner, they are all coming over here to eat so.". Tove just stared at me and then we heard Krisen voice behind us "who is coming for dinner?". I turned to her and bit my lip and siad "Well if it's okay... Shane, Gillian, nicole and patrick, nicky, Kian and jodi and mark and Kevin. Is that okay?". She smiled and nodded and said "Of course it is, that will be lovley!" I felt such a reilife and gave her a hug and said "Thank you then I will tell them for sure when I go to nicky later.". She smiled and said "You do that." then I turned to Tove and said "You done?" she nodded and we walked upstairs and sat down on my bed. It felt really stupid because we knew we had to talk about it but it felt kind of stupid to like plan when we were going to have the talk. I don't know how long we just sat there and then I said "I'm scared." she looked at me and took my hand and said "I know and so am I, everyday.". I said "I know... This is so hard." she nodded and said "I know it is but honey I will never leave you.". I said "I know that too but I don't know if i can handle seeing you in the hospital again... You can't get sick again, I'm not blaming you for something you have no controll over but still, I won't be able to handle it.". She said "I didn't really understand how hard it was for you, I'm sorry." I felt tears build up in my eyes and I said "I remember thefirst night you spent at the hospital when we were 7 and I had to stay home. I was crying all the way from the hospital home and Krisen tried to comfort me and put me to bed but as soon as she laid me down in my bed and left I just walked up and went into your room and laid down in your bed that smelled like you and then one night Krisen found me and she tried to lay down next to me but I forced her to go away because she wasn't you. I just wanted you there with me, I was so alone without you.". Tove looked really sad at me and tears started to roll down my cheeks and she said "I remember that night too, I cried myself to sleep because I was so alone and scared there in the hospital bed.". I tried to dry my tears away but new once just continued to come. I cried "And then when the cancer came back and you told me that, I tought I was sent to hell and that I would never come out of it. I didn't know what to do, as soon as you said those words I just felt so alone again and scared and I didn't want to worry you, but be strong around you so that you would be strong too. But infact I don't think I have ever been so weak before and I ahd no one, but then Nicky was there. And he didn't leave me and he helped me fight, for you. I don't know how many nights I cried through but Nicky was there all the time to comfort me and help me through it and therefor I could be there for you.". I could see tears in the corner of toves eyes and she siad "I didn't think Nicky was such a big part of that but I'm glad that he was there for you but mum would have beent here too.". I shook my head and the tears started to fall faster and faster and i said "He was and no, mum wouldn't been there because you didn't see her when she came home. She was so scared too and she cried so much and when she tried to be there for me it just made me feel worse because then I felt like I couldn't be there for either her or you. Nicky, Shane, Kian and Mark was the people who helped me through it, especially Nicky and I can never thank him enough for that. I would never have made it through those weeks without him because I wouldn't have been strong enough.". A tear fell down her face but she quickly brushed it away and she said "I didn't know, I'm sorry. Maybe I should talk to mum about this too. I didn't think he was such a big support for you through everything, I just thought that you hung out with him because you were in love with him.". I said "Yeah you should.Well that is because you didn't open your eyes and look at it from my side. All I wanted at that time was to be by your side all the time but I couldn't and then Nicky was there for me when no one else was and I needed him. I didn't want to be as alone as I was when we were 7, I just wanted someone to be there and hug me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. And I'm sorry that things ended up the way it did but I just needed him, without him... I'm sorry to say it but I wouldn't be here. I was so close at a breakdown and if he hadn't been there to support me I would have killed myself. I'm sorry.". Tears started to pour down Toves eyes and I wrapped my arms around her neck and we cried on each others shoulders. When we had calmed down she said "I'm so sorry! I didn't want you to be that alone and I didn't realise what I was asking you to do when I asked you to leave nicky at that time. I didn't know that, I would never have been able to fight this without you. If you would ahve died so would I... It's not your fault honey.". I stroke a few tears away and sobbed and said "Well now you know. I needed him and to you the truth but you have a lot to thank nicky for... If you are thankful for everything he did for me. Yes you would have... You are stronger thn me remember.". She just shook her head and said "Of course I'm thankful that he was there for you but...". I shook my head and said "That's up to you, but I needed him adn I still do because he has seen a part of me that no one has seen really.... not even you and he knows me in a different level and... If you get the cancer back I won't be able to go through it and espcially not without nicky, eventhough I might have Jared but he never saw how weak I was then.". Tove didn't respond to that so I said "You know what, what if we put ourself together and go to tony and try on that dress. I have to be at nickys at 3.". Tove slowly nodded and we dried our tears away and walked downstairs and said goodbye to the lads in the kitchen and drove off to Tony.

When we got there he smiled and gave us both a hug and then we went into the back of the store and sat down. He smiled and said "And how are you two doing?" I said "We are okay, what about you?". He nodded and said "I'm great! I'm so happy with the sketches of the dresses.". I smiled and then he pulled our a pad and showed us a few dresses and we found the perfect dress for Tove. It will look amazing! So simple but at the sametime so beautiful, just like Tove is. And then he smiled and said "And I have sketched the bridemaids dresses too.". I clapped my hands with excitement and said "Yay!! Show me!". He laughed and Tove just sighed and then he showed me a few dresses and then I stopped him just as he was about to turn page and I stared at one of the dresses and said "That one!!! Wow, it's so goregous and I would look sooooo amazing in it!!!". He smiled and said "I was hopeing you would pick that one and I know, you will look incredible in it. Jared will drop dead.". I smiled and said "So we'll take that wedding gown for Tove and then three of the bridemaides dresses. I will take Sara and zara with me another day so that you can take their measurements.". He nodded and Tove said "Sara and zara?" I turned to her and siad "Yeah. they are going to be your bridesmaids too, if you want to of course. They want to.". She smiled and said "Yeah that would be great. They want to? you've asked them?". I nodded and said "Yeah, I didn't think you would mind." she shook her head and said "nah I don't mind.". I smiled and then me and tony talked alittle about what colors and we came to the conclusion that my dress will be a gorgeous shade of red. I'm going to look fabulous! And Tove is going to look gorgeous and be so beautiful!!! I can't wait for this wedding! :D After that we just talked for another hour and then we had to go because I had to be at Nickys in like an half an hour.

When we got home I just dropped Tove off and old her that I would see her at dinner and gave her a hug and drove off again. I was like smiling all the way over to nickys and when I drove up on the driveway and parked the car, I looked into the kitchen window and saw Kian and Nicky stand there talking. I smiled and got out of the car and when I closed the door I saw them look out and smile when they saw me. I walked over to the door and before I even got time to open it Nicky did and smiled and gave me a hug and said "Long time no see.". I smiled and breathed in his scent and it was sooooo good and said "I know, I've miss you nico.". We broke from the hug and he said "I've miss you too friend. Come on in.". I smiled and walked in just to walk into another set of arms that belonged to Kian. I wrapped my arms around him and smiled and he said "God it's so good to see you again honey!". I smiled and said "It's so good too see you too and you look great man!". He laughed and held me at arm's lengh and siad "You look even better then I remembered." I laughed and then I heard a voice behind Kian "Hey we are others that want to hug her.". I smiled and let go of Kian and looked at Shane who was standing a few feet away and he had a huge smile on his face and he said "Hey honey, you look great!". I smiled and ran into his arms and he spun me around alittle and I laughed and said "Hey shay!! God, I've missed you!". He laughed and put me down and said "I've missed you too honey!". Then we heard Nicole scream "Madde!!!!!!!!" and she ran into my legs and hugged them and all of us just started to laugh and I bent down adn picked her up and she wrapped her arms around my neck and said "I've missed you so much sister!". I smiled and said "I've missed you too little sis." Nicole looked at Shane and said "Isn't it good to see her again!" he smiled and said "It's great to see her again!". i laighed and put her down and then I said "So where is Marky?" then I heard someone clear their thraot behind me and I spun around and saw Marks cute smile and I wrapped my arms around him and smiled and said "Hey you!". He laughed and said "Hey honey! you look amazing like always!". I laughed and said "you don't look so bad yourself Marky." he laughed and then we walked into the livingroom and I asked "Where is everyone else?". Nicky said "The girls and Kavin is in town shopping, they didn't feel like staying home but they are coming to dinner later. Thank you so much for inviting us.". I smiled and said "Okay, well of course I did, I've missed all of you so much and dinner is the least I can do after everything you guys have done for me.". They smiled and we all sat down in the sofas in the livingroom. I was sitting in between nicky and shane but then Nicole came and pressed herslef down between me and Shane adn she siad "Why didn't you come back to sligo?". I looked at her and said "because i had to be home to fix things that had turned to a mess.". She looked confused and said "I don't understand.".I said "Well, things were pretty messy between me and tove, tove and jensen and me and me and Nicky.". She looked from me to nicky and then back to me again and she said "But you and nicky are the best! you never fight.". I said "Nicky and I..." and nicky interrupted and said "We aren't together honey.". Nicole stared at him with disbelief and said "Yes you are, you kiss and love each other.". I sighed and said "No we aren't honey. We.... we loved each other and wre still do but we are just friends. But we are good friends and we always will be.". She looked really sad and said "But he hurt you and you were so sad about that and I head you tell dad that you love him and wants to be with him.". I thought for a while and I saw Shane in the corner on my eye and he looked really uncomfortable but I said "I know... And he did hurt me and I do love him and I did want to be with him but things have changed and Nicky and I can't be together. But we are okay and like I said we are good friends.". She said "But why can't you be with each other if that is what you want? Mum and dad wants to be with each other adn they are.". Before I could say anything Nicky said "Nicole, when you grow up everything isn't black and white, there are shades of grey too and Madde and my relationship is a very grey area. I love Madde, I do and I don't want to hurt her but we can't be together. Shane and Gillian loves each other and they can be with each other too but Madde and I can't.". Nicole still didn't understand and Shane said "Honey, Madde and nicky will always be close friends but you see, it's hard for both of them to talk about this right now so why don't we just talk about something else honey.". She looked at me and said "Is it hard to talk about? Are you together with someone else?". I looked at nicky and he looked down at the floor and I said "Yeah it is... No I'm not, I'm kind of dating my ex boyfriend and I really love him and he makes me happy but we aren't a couple.". She smiled and said "Good, then you and n icky can still be together!". I closed my eyes and shook my head and then I felt how nicky got up and left the room and Shane said softly to nicole "Honey, leave it alone.". I opened my eyes and saw Nicky walk into the kitchen and I looked at Shane and he mimed "Sorry.". I nodded adn said "I'll be right back.". I walked into the kitchen and found Nicky sitting at the table looking out at the Lambo, I bit my lip and walked over to him and placed my hands on his shoulders and whispered in his ear "Are you okay?". He sighed and said "I didn't think it was going to be so hard to talk about and see nicole so happy when she talkes about us... it makes me miss you more.". He turned to me and the look in his eyes just took a grip around my heart and squeezed it. He looked so sad and lonley, I stroke his cheek and took a cahir and sat down right infront of him and said "I know... I miss you too Nicky, don't doubt that.". He took my hand and said "But... Jared really makes you happy?" I nodded and said "Yeah he does, but I talked to Tove today... About the cancer adn the time when I was so lonly and you were there. And I realised something, you know me in a way that no one else know me and will ever know me. You are the only one who has seen me so weak and destroyed.". Nicky looked into my eyes and said "Really?" I nodded and said "Yes, and I will always love you so deeply for everything you have done for me and everything you have gone through with me. Without you I wouldn't be here, I would never have been able to go through everything I have gone through this year and it's all because of you.". He stroke my cheek and I closed my eyes adn felt his wonderful hand touch my face, he said "I will always be there for you honey, I'm never going to leave you no matter what anyone else thinks or says. I love you.". I opened my eyes and said "I love you too." he smiled and kissed my cheek and lingered awhile with his lips on my cheek adn then he wrapped his arms around me and whispered in my ear "My friend and soulmate.". I smiled and said "You're amazing, I owe you my life, my friend." he smiled and then stood up and put out his hadn to me and I took it an we walked back to the others in the livingroom and joined them and we talked for a while but then I had to go home and get ready for dinner adn just as I left I met Gillian and the others and then I drove home.

When I got there I immediately went upstairs to get changed and while I was in the bathroom I heard a knock on the door and I asked who it was and Jared said "It's me love.". I smiled and opened the door and he walked in and said "Hey honey, I've missed you.". I smiled and said "I've missed you too baby." and then I gave him a soft kiss and turned back to fixing my hair. While I was looking in the mirror I saw that he started to undress himself and I stopped fixing my hair and looked at him and said "What are you doing?". He stopped undoing his jeans and said "well, we are having guests over for dinner and I really need a shower.". I smiled and he conituned to undo his jeans and soon he was just satnding there in his udnerwear and I looked at him from top to toe and he looked amazing in his black boxers and wonderful abs. I walked over to him and stroke his chest and abs and started to kiss him and between his kisses he asked how my day had been and I said that it had been good. But then we heard Ebba stating to bark from downstairs and I knew that everyone had arrived so I stopped kissing Jared and told him to get in the shower and hurry and I quickly fixed my hair and make up and then went into our room and got myself a pretty casual but nice dress and a pair of black pump and walked downstairs. I found everyone of our guests in the livingroom together with Johan, krisen and My. When I walked in everyone smiled and Shane and Nicky walked over and gave me a hug and said that I looked goregous. I smiled and said "Thanks." then Nicky said "Where is Jared then?" and I looked at him and said "In the shower, he is a bit slow but he is alot faster then you in the bathroom.". Everyone started to laugh and Nicky stared at me and said "I'm not slow!" I laughed and so did everyone else and I said "Sometimes you are almost as slow as Tove and tshe like holds the worldrecord!". Then we heard tove say from behind me "What do I have worldrecord in?". I turned to her and just bursted out laughing and nicky said "Beign slow in the bathroom, she thinks that I'm almost as slow as you.". I laughed and said "Well you are!"Nicky just shook his head and then Jensen walked over to everyone and hugged them and then we all sat down adn began to talk while we waited for the others. After about 10 minutes Jared walked in and said hello to everyone and put his hands on my shoulders and kissed my head. I smiled but then I looked at nicky and I saw the pain in his eyes and I felt guilty. I know I shouldn't but I did and I couldn't help it. After a few more minutes Tim, jessica, emil, tom, jerry and my joined us in the livingroom and the we went into the kitchen and began to eat. It was a pretty lovley meal and it was so great to see all of them again. I've missed them so much and I really want to go back to sligo again and live with shane and gillian for a while.

After dinner we sat down in the livingroom and some of us took a glass of wine or a whiskey while I drank a rum and coca and tove adn gillian drank some water. nicole and My had run off to play and they were getting along so well and it was really nice to hang out with everyone. After a while nicky said "How come you don't drink wine Madde?" and then Shane said "Yeah! I talked to you on the phone about wine and that we should do it again.". I laughed and said "We will but not tonight. I'll just take my rum and coca and you guys can stick with the wine. I just get so goofy when I drink wine.". Nicky laughed and said "That's the whole point!" I shook my head and said "no nicky byrne. You can't force me to drink it, another time maybe but not tonight.". everyone sighed and I said "Why does everyone want me to drink wine!?" Shane laughed and said "Because you are so funny when you do that!". I shook my head and said "You guys are wierd!" then I changed the subject and we got talking about somthing else and no one talked more about me and wine. After a few hours Shane said "We should go home again all of us. Tomorrow is a big day adn nicole needs her sleep.". I smiled and they huggd everyone in the room and then I followed them to the door and gave all of them a hug and when it was shanes turn he asked "So when are you coming tomorrow?". I shrugged and said "I dunno. Pretty early I think." he nodded and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and wished me a good nights sleep. Then I walked over to nicky adn wrapped my arms around him and whisperd "Happy brithday soon honey.". He smiled and hugged me tighter and said "thank you, see you in a few hours.". I smiled and said "We'll do that." then I kissed his cheek and said goodbye and everone left. I was starting to get really tired so I walked into the livingroom and said to Jared "I'm tired, want to go to sleep?". He nodded and we left the room and went upstairs and right now I'm so tired I could just fall asleep on the computer! So I'm going to fall asleep in Jareds arms now. Nightie!!

Tomorrow is Nickys birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICKY BYRNE! I LOVE YOU!!!
Tove will blg tomorrow.

Take care
Love
Madde