I should just die..

Hey guys..
Now we are home again, I know it sounds like me and Madde have had a really bad weekend away since all we have done is to complained that we missed our men which we did, but we had an amazing weekend together and I would love to do it again soon, if she wants too since our relationship is so much better now but it still need work like all relationships dose, so just me and her is just want we need sometimes just a day alone on a spa or shopping day or something. Well I’m really glad to be home even thought this day ended in disaster..

Let’s start from the beginning.
When I opend my eyes this morning in my own soft and perfect bed, I tured my head a little and almost drowned in Jensens amazing eyes, he smiled and stroke my cheek and I smiled back and said “ How long have you been awake? “ He didn’t answer he just smiled and said “ Have you been sleeping anything tonight?” He smiled while he touched my cheek and said “ No, I have been laying here looking at and how cute you are when you sleep and how good it feels to have you here in bed, to see your cheast move up and down, and feel your warm body against mine and breath in your scentens that I love so much” I smiled and said “ Is that what you have been doing all night?!” He smiled and said “ Yes, you can not even imagen how much I have missed you” I said “ I think I can, I want to spend the rest of my life with you and wake up like this every morning to your beautiful smile, you are really the man of my dreams. If I had believed In God then I would of thought that she had send you to me to show me how much you really can love another person, the first time I saw you I felt how my heart started to raise speed and how my stomach got all crazy and my head started to spin when I looked at you and when you at me it was so intense and scary at the same time because I didn’t know what was happing with me I though something was wrong. But now it have hit me I think it was love at first sight, I never believe in troughs things before, and I had never feelt like that before so that is the only thing that can explain it. “ He smiled and said “ It will be you and me for the rest of our lives, I will never leave you, you are my everything. I know exatlly how you feel because I felt the same that day when I saw you, I just wanted to ran over to you and hug you and tell you that I was inlove and loved you and I hadn’t even talked to you it just feelt right” I felt a lump in my stomach when he said that he was never going to leave me and I feelt so guilty for not telling him but I just couldn’t do it then.. he said “ Tove are you okay? You look worried” I smiled and kissed him and said “ I’m okay, don’t worry. “ He nooded and kissed me again and it was just so amazing! Then My came running throw the door and since she had been a sleep when we got home yesterday evening she throw herself on me and hugged me and I smiled and hugged her back and Jensen smiled and said “ My are you happy that Tove is home now? Since you have been talking about her all weekend and Madde too “ My smiled and and said “ I’m super happy!! You can never go anywhere again, I have been miserble“ I laughed and said “ You have? “ My looked at Jensen and then at me and nooded and I kissed her cheek and she crawled down between us in bed and she smiled and said " I miss you so much sis!" I smiled and said " I have missed you too honey" She smiled and said " Can't you hang out with me today? " I said " I think I'm going to hang out with jensen all day.. but mabe some day you can sleep her this week? " My smiled and said " Yay!! " I laughed and she looked at Jensen and said " Are you happy that Tove is home?" He smiled and said "Oh yeah I can't even decribe who happy I'm. " I smiled and them My placed a hand on my belly and said " I have missed you too baby so much" I smiled and then dennie kicked and My look at me with big eyes and said " What was that?" I smiled and so did Jensen and I said " That was Dennie moving, she dose that alot " My smiled and said " That is so cool!! " Jensen said " I know, I'm kind jealous of Tove for feeling that all the time " I said " I'm kind of Jealous of Jensen for not carring her around all day long, my back is starting to kill me!"Jensen laughed and said " Do you want me to massage you later? " I said " Yes please!" He laughed and bend over me and kissed me and I smiled and said " I have missed you so much, I love you" He smiled and said " I love you too. " I smiled and he said " So you still haven't hasn't flirt with any guys there? " I laughed and said " No I havn't flirt with anyone over in Paris. But people was flirting with me " Jensen said " I'm not suprised, I mean looking like that.. Grr" I laughed and then I said " But I know you want to kill of the guys, he was all over me. " I could see how Jensen face got harder but before he said anything I gave him a kiss and that soften he up a little. Then I crawl over My and then I astraddle over Jensen and his hands was on myback and I smiled and kissed him and then I reach after his shirt on the floor and pulled it over my head and folded up the arms and Jensen smiled and My said " Why do you wear Jensens shirt?" I smiled and said " Because it smells amazing, it smells like Jensen and since I have been away for a few days I want to feel his scentens all day long. " My looked at me like I was crazy and I lauged and Jensens hand stroke my bare thigh and said " You look so amazing in that " I said " Not as good as you " He said " No you don't, you look better " Then he put his other hand on the back of my neck and pulled me down slowly and when our lips finally meet it feel like the whole world stopped, and my heart beated like it never dose when I'm with someone else, it was just great. Then we got inturrpted of My who said " Gross!!" Our lips let go of each other and laughed and I gave My a kiss which she just dried away and then I said " No I'm going downstairs " Jensen said " Then I'm also going downstairs" I smiled and got of him and he just put on a pair of pants and all three of us walked down stairs.

No one was awake excatlly as I wanted it to be, so I started to make breakfast and Jensen sat down and asked what i was doing and I smiled and said " Madde said she was going to miss the hotle breakfast so much so I thought I was going to do the biggest breakfast ever to everyone so we can have a family breakfast. " Jensen smiled and walked over to me and hugged me from behind and I feelt his nose on my neck and it feelt so good to be close to him again, but at the same time I feelt so guitly for not telling him too..
Then Jensen and My walked into the livingroom watchig Tv and I thought I should call Zara and Sara since they also is our family, so I diald Zaras number and she answer pretty fast and she sound so happy and said " Oh God I have missed you two! " I laughed and said " We have missed you too" Then I said " Do you guys want to come over for breakfast? " Zara said " We would love too, but is everyone Nicky too? " I sign and said yes it is.. " Zara laughed and said " That was hard for you " I laughed and said " Yes it was. " She laughed and said they would be here in an hour then we hang up and then I called Sara and they would also be here in an hour. Then I countinued making breakfast and imadgen everything that you can possible find on a hotel breakfast and more! So after an hour I was done and it look pretty great. Then I walked into the livingroom and asked if My could go and wake everyone up which she gladly did. Jensen pulled me down in teh sofa and said " It smeels amazing! But not as amazing as you do " I smiled and said " Thanks, but I have to say your shirt I'm wearing makes it a little hard to consentrat. " He laughed and kissed my neck and then I heard that they started to wake up so Jensen took my hand and we walked into the kitchen together. Mum,Johan, Tim, Jess walked into the kitchen and all of them just stared at all the food and mum looked at me and said " Have you done this? " nooded she walked over to me and hugged me and said " You are amazing, I'm so glad that both of you are home " I said " We just have to see how amazing you think Iäm tonight or tomorrow.. " She looked at me confused but she didn't ask, Johan looked at me and smiled and said " Can I give you a hug or will you kill me? " I laughed and said " Of course you can " He smiled and wrapped his arm around me and said " This is amazing Tove, you should become a cheft" I laughed and said " Ha-ha really funny! " He looked at me and said " I'm serious" I said " Come on you are better then me in the kitchen " He laughed and said " That was funny! You are so much better " I just shooked my head and Tim and Jess also gave me a hug, then Emil,Jerry and Tom came running into the kitchen and Emil said " It smells amazing" I smiled and then My came back and behind her Jared and Madde walked into the kitchen Jared smiled and said " Wow! " Madde said " What is this?" I smiled and said " Well you said that you where going to miss the hotel breakfastes so I thought I would spoiled you a little. " She had a hugged smile on her face and walked over to me and put her own arm my shoulders and kissed my cheek and said " Thank you!" I smiled and then she wrapped her arm around me and said " I love you so much!" I smiled and said " I love you too" Then she kissed mey cheek again and then Sara, Niklas,Zara, nicky and the kids entern the kitchen and all of them just smiled and stared at the breakfast and then Zara ran over to me and hugged me and then Madde and Sara did teh same. Then I said " Are we going to eat or or we just going to stand here? " They laughed and we all sat down and started to eat. Thena ll teh sudden Jared walked up to me and pulled me up from the chair and hugged me and said " I'm so happy that you are home!!" I laughed and said " I'm happy to see you too Jared" Then he sat down and eat again and mum said " Why did you do all this? I though you and Jensen was going to speand all day in bed. " I smiled and said " Well first of all the day has just strated, and second of all I just want to say thanks to all of you." Tim looked confused and said " For what? " I said " For beeing there for me and each other, I know this year haven't been easy for non of you and everything started when I got sick and then everything just countinued on that bad road, and I finally think that we all are starting to go up hills again insted of down hills. And I'm alive thanks to each and everyone of you, so thank you. " They smiled and Jensen kissed my cheek and Sara said " honey you have nothing to thank us for I mean we have barely done anything, those two have saved your life for real is Emil and Jensen " I said " You have no idea what you all have done for me, you are amazing, and eat now insted of aruging with me about this " They laughed and countiuned eating and we talked and had a great morning together, and everything was just like it should be. Then I looked at Madde and said " Maybe we should play early Santa Claus and give them there giftes? " Madde said " Yeah and since you just as fat as santa you can be him. " I just stared at her and said " Did you call me fat?!" She laughed and said " Well you are " I said " Thanks! " She laughed and said " I'm kidding.. almost anyway " She walked over to me and kissed my cheek and we went up stars to get all the giftes. Then we walked down stairs and Madde said " So who do we start with? Maybed the youngest and work our way up and then tge person who is last should really feel who old they are " I laughed and said " That sounds good." We gace My the dresses, and the toys and she got really happy and gave us both a hug and started to play immediately. Then Tom and Jerry smiled said " Is it our turn now? " Me and Madde laughed and gave them that really cool and huge toy thing that I can't decribe and they really love it they like jumped up and down and hugged us and then We gave David a huge toy car and he smiled and gave us a hug and he said " Thanks Madde for just picking this car I love it " She smiled and said " So you knew it was me and not Tove. " He laughed and said " Yeah well tove is just a big idoit as mum is when it comes to car " All of us laughed and tousled his hair and then he laughed. Then we gave Kim a really nice skirt and a some make up and I she loved it and then it was Emil who was next and we have him that shirt we had bought that he would looked so handsome in and he smiled and hugged us and Madde said " Wear that and Wilma will throw herself over you, I promise" I just hit her arm and said " Shut up! She won't it's enought that they are kissing " Emil said " maybe she all ready have throwed herself over me!" Both me and Mum reacted on that and I said " You and me will talk about that later!" He just sign and then it was Emmas turn and we gave her a parfym and she loved it and then Madde said quitly to her " I have something more to give you, but your mum wouldn't like it and neither would Nicky, so we take that later" Emma smiled and Zara and Nicky gave Madde a warning glare, Madde just grin and then it was Jess turen and she got a beautiful pair earrings and she smiled and gave me a hug and hesited a few second before she gave Madde a hug, I really need to talk to her..
Tim got a really nice jacket and Madde smiled and said " You will look so sexy in that.. Grr" I just hit her arm again and Tim smiled and hugged us. I smiled and said " Zara are you ready? " She said " I'm after Tim? Now I don't feel that old anymore. " We laughed and Madde said " If Nicky ahn't all reday resived his gift he would be first since he is 25 or 24 or somthing now since be becomes younger and younger, and then it would have been Jared " We laughed and Nicky and Jared showed everyone there giftes and then we gave Zara that dress we bought her and she smiled and said " That is just so beautiful!!!!!! " We smiled and she hugged us and then me and Madde brust out laughing and she asked what was wrong, and I said " I hope you want be angry with our next gift.. " Zara sign and said " What have you two now done? " Me and Madde laughed even more and then we gave her a wrapped in present and she said " Do I want to opend it now and here ifront of the kids?" Emma said " Ew! Mum what do you think it is?" Zara said " Well it's Madde and Tove so... " We laughed even harder and Madde said " open it!" Zara sign and caregully opend it and everyone was staring at her and she peak in under the paper but she couldn't se anything then Sara said " Come on, do you think it's a bomb?" Zara said " No worse! " We laughed even harder and we could barely breath and Zara opend it and she just laughed when she saw what it was and so did everyone else she shooked her head and said " Is it what I think it is?"We laughed and nooded and she said " A sexy house cleaner unifrom, and what did you two think I would do with this? " Madde laughed and said " If you feel like cleaning a certen mans apartment again" Everyone laughed except the kids because they didn't understand and Emma said " I hope they mean Nicky" Zara said " It's just a inside joke" Then we laughed even more and Madde said " but it on, I want to see!" Zara said " never Madde" Madde said " I will convince you so don't worry " Then we laughed again and when we had calmed down it was Saras tured and she also got a beautiful dress and she totally loved it and was so happy! We smiled and she like hugged us 10 times then we tured to Niklas and gave him his shirt and he smiled and gave us a hug then I said " And since Nicky and Jensen have all reday resived there gifts we will go to the next on" Jensen smiled and I kissed him and he showed up his neckless and then we tured to mum and gave her that beautiful neckless and she totally loved it she like hugges us a millon times and said that it was beautiful and then I said " Where is Johnna? " Mum sign and said " Where do you think?" Then everyone said at the same time " With a guy " Mum nooded and we all started to laugh and I said " Then we just have to give her the rings tomorrow " Madde noode and then we tured to Johan and I laughed and said " Old man you are last" He laughed and we gave him the apron where it stood " Kiss the chef " And he just started to laugh and so did everyone else and he gave us a hug and said " I love it!" Madde said " You have to wear it too " He laughed and said "I will trust me, but I'm working tonight so tomorrow i can wear it " We nooded and laughed, then Sara said " So what did you too buy to yourself then? " I said " What didn't we buy: " Madde said jealous" You have to show them that amzing dress you bought that I can't get in... " I laughed and said " I can't get in it either " Maded said " Yeah but that is just a now, in a few month you can " I smiled and said " Yepp and you will be so jealous " then Zara said " Let see it, since Madde is that jealous on a dress it muct be amazing " I walked upstairs and got it and walked back down and everyone thought it looked amazing and Zara said " It must look amazing on you later " I smiled and said " You can try it of you like because you are just as thin as I'm or will be " She smiled and said " Are you serious? " I nooded and said " You can borrow it if you like, go and try it now " She smiled and gave me a kiss and ran upstairs and after a few minuts she yelled " It's amazing!!!! I'm inlove!" Madde yelled back " Come down here we want to see" Zara said " No!" Madde said " Zara you have been a model like you whole life so did is like what you do" Then she walked down the stairs and into the kitchen and she looked absoultly fantastic!! All the guys whre seriosly drooling over her, and I looked at Nicky and he was like entrance because he couldn't get his eyes of her. She smiled and said " so what do all the woman think since I all reday can see that the guys like it, and please stop drooling!" Krisen said " You looked absoulty amazing!! " Zara said " It's not me it's the dress.. " Then Nicky said " No, it's you too trust me!! " I could see who happy Zara got from that comment and at the same time i could see how jealous Madde got. Then I looked at Zara and said " You can borrow it when ever you want" She smiled and gave me a hug and started to walked upstairs to change and then Niklas said " Zara since you all reday have started the fashion show here then I think you should try the sexy house cleaning dress too " We all laughed and Zara said " That dress is nothing for your eyes Niklas Karlsson " He said " Come on Zara, I know you want too " Zara laughed and said " In your dreams!" Niklas said " Trust me I will dream " Zara just shooked her head and walked upstairs and Sara hist Niklas on his arm and told him to shut up he just laughed.

After a really long breakfast I walked upstairs and took a shower then I put on my blue shirt and my black jeans, then it knocked on the door and I said come in and there stood Jared and he smiled and said " Is it okay if I borrow Ebba for a walk? " I smiled and said " Of course, you don't even have to ask about that I know you both love it " He smiled and said " Thanks. " Then I said " Do you want to be alone or is it okay if I come with you? "He smiled and said " I would love some comapine" I smiled and since it was a pretty warm day I just put on my fake leather jacket, since I think it's horrible who you can kill a animals just so people will get clothes. Well anyway and I put on a pair of shoes and we walked down the stairs we meet Jensen in the hallway and he asked wher we was going and I told him that we where takeing a walk and he nooded and let his hand slide over my belly and to my hand which he kissed and then he gave me a hug and kissed me and then I called after Ebba and Jared put on her leash and we walked outside in the sunny day.
We walked a while and then I said " Jared can you promise me to be complitly honest with me? " He said " Of course " I said " Good.. What do you think about Madde having those feelings for Nicky while she see you at the same time? " He said " I'm okay.." I said " Jared remebere what you promise me now lying and I can see that you are not okay with it. " He said " okay I'm not.. I want to be with her every single minut because I love her so much.. but.. " He looked away and I grabbed his hand that he wasn't tolding Ebba with and he said " But.. sometimes it feels like I'm not enough for her that she want more or to be exact she want Nicky and I'm not him.. and even though I try the hardest I can to make her happy it still feels like she can't be that happy as she was when she was around Nicky or still is.. and I hate knowing that the woman I love the most has sronger feelings for another guy then me... if Nicky would come to her now and say that he want her so bad and do everything to get her and we say that you also would be okay with it do you then think she would choose him? And please be honest " I sign and said " I don't know Jared, I want to belive that she would choose you because you are so much better man then Nicky ever will be.. but.. " Jared inturuppted and said " But she is more in love with Nicky then with me.. " I didn't answer and Jared said " It just feels like I come second that she dosn't really want me she just take me because she can't have Nicky.. I know I have told her that I never will leave her.. but at the same time if this will go on for years then not even me can't take it I think.. " I said " I understand that you feel like that.. and now I'm saying this as you friend too, that you can't live like this for years Jared, you will be miserble, you have been doing this for month now and if this dosn't get better in a few month the maybe you should start thinking if it's worsth all this bad feelings just to be with her.." Jared didn't say anything for along while and then he said " Do you know how jealous I'm of you and Jensen, you two are so cute togehter and you have the perfect realtionship. " I inturpted and said " We are far from the perfect realtionship." jared said " You have had a tuff year but still when you two aren't fighting you are really perfect, I wish I could have that too with Madde, okay maybe not all that romantic stuff because I'm not like Jensen and Madde isn't like you.. but everything else expecpt that.. " I said " I hope you will feel that someday because it really is amazing and hopefully it will be with Madde. " Jared said " So do I.. and today when Nicky looked at Zara and said that to her I saw Maddes jealousy in her eyes that she almsot wanted to kill Zara.. it's not that I'm jealous it's just that feeling to know that she love him more then me.. I know she is trying and I'm so glad for that but I always have a bad feeling that this feelinsg for Nicky never will complitly go away that she always will be a little in love with him some where in her heart and I hate that... she have never feelt like this for another guy right? Not even me... " I said " Do you want me to lie? " He said " Of course she haven't.. when you feel like that for someone that's mean you are really inlove for real for the first time.. I feel like that for her but she dosn't feel the same, and the qustion is if she ever will feel the same.. since we have all reday tried this I mean me and her for years and she still sleeped around with other guys and she didn't really care that much intill started to hang out with Nicky and everything changed and I have never seen her like that before.. I just wish it would be me insted.. " I stopped walking and put my arms around him and said " So do I honey.. you can always talk to me so you know I'm here " He said " I know and I love talking to you, because you always tells me the truth even thought I don't really want to hear it but in the same time you do it in a good way and you alwasy make me think which si good " I smiled and kissed his cheek and said " You are so sweeit, I love you Jared " He said " I love you too, Jensen is a lucky man " I smiled and said " Thanks" Then we countinued walking in silence. Then Jared said " What's wrong Tove? I have seen that you have been worried for days now what's wrong? " I looked away and said " You don't want to know trust me" I could feel the tears building up in my eyes and I feelt who terrified I was...I looked at Jared fast and he looked back at me and then I just looked down at the ground again and he said " Tove what's wrong? You are almost crying and you almost never cry.." I said " I shouldn't cry I have no right to cry, I'm just so angry with myself and scared at the same time.. " He grabbed my hand and dragged me over to a beach and we sat down and he said " Tell me.. " I said " No you will hate me and you will find out later I promise " He said " I can never hate you.. " I said " I just can't.. you will be really angry and I can't take that right now I have to talk to a certain person first then you all can hate me and yell at me because I deserve it.. " He said " What have you done? Is that person Jensen you need to talk too? " I just nooded and took a deep breath and Jared stroke my hand and said " You can tell me? I won't yell at you I promise.. " I said " Jensen is your best friend of course you will yell at me and I do deserve it but if will be abel to talk to Jensen tonight I can't have you yelling at me.. " He said " Tove you are also my best friend so if you need me to listen to you and talk just camly I will.. " I said " Do you promise? " He said " I promise, I have a bad feeling what this is about " I said " You probably have the right feeling.. " Jared said " Just tell me" I took a deep breath and tears started to roll down my cheeks and I tried to dried them of but it was impossible since it just ran more and more and I said " Last year in the cottage... I can't say it.. " Jared stroke my back and said " You have to because you ar egoing to tell Jensen.. so do it to me first, I'm not going to do anything I'm just goingto listen " I sign and more tears pour down my face and I said " Last year I.. I had...sex with Tobbe.. " Then I started to cry even more and I buried my face in my hands and after a few seconds I felt Jareds hands lifting my face from my hands and I looked at him and he just wrapped his arms around me and I just pused him away and cried " No! I don't deserve this!" But he just pulled me into his arms again and heled me even harder so I just cried my eyes out in his armas and when I had calmed down he let go of me and I looked at him and said " Say something!" He said " What do you want me to say? It was really stupid thing to do but done it done and you have to tell Jensen" I said " I don't know who, I'm teriffed " He said " What are you so scared of? " I said " If he is smart he will leave me and never come back he deserves better then me.. " Jared said " He would never leave you no matter what you did, and yes he deserves you. You know after you two got back togehetr this year after your opertion you have changde a bit since last time you where a couple, under this month you have been togehter you have barely look at another guy and you just have your eyes for Jensen all the time and your love is stronger then it ever have been, you are having a baby and getting married so don't worry. he will be hurt, disappointed and sad but he will get over it. " I said " I hope you are right.. " He said " I'm, do you know who much he loves you? I don't think so, everytime he looked at you he smiled or talk about you or just thinking about you. When yuo and Madde have been in Paris for this weekend all he have done is waiting by the phone so you would call, I found him looking at pictures on you and the worse was that I found him lying in bed at night with on of your shirts smelling them. " I couldn't help from smiling and Jared smiled back and I gave him a hug and said " Thanks for a great walk " He smiled and said " To you too " Then we started to walk home.

When we got home we meet Jensen in the hallway and he walked over to me and kissed me and he looked at me and said " Have you been crying? " I said " We talk about that later " He nodded and gave me another kiss and stroke my cheek with his hand and it was so amazing to feel his hand on my cheek then he grabbed my hand insted and he said " You have a letter. " I nodded and Jensen looked at Jared and said " You can tell Madde she dose too " He nooded and walked upstairs. I walked into the kitchen and Jensen followed me and I opend the letter and it was an invition for a reunion from mine and Maddes old class from grade 7 to 9 and I just put the paper down on the bar disk and said " I'm not going!" Jensen picked it up and read it and said " Why not? " I said " Because those kids hated me or okay they mostly just ignored me, an dyou know that story I told you that I was the biggest geek alive well that countinued for a while.. " Jensen said " Well then show them what a wonunderful woman you have become and it's almost a month away intill the party so you can think about it.. " I said " I'm not going!! " Jensen said " It is writen that I can come with if you want. " I said " Still not going, I have barely spoken to any of them! " Jensen just said " Think about please " I sign and said " fine! " Then I started to walk usptairs, and I meet Madde in the stairs and she asked what was going on and I just told her to go and opened het own letter, she walked downstairs and I heard how jensen told her and then she said happy " I would love to go! so funny" I jusy shooked my head and walked into mine and Jensens room, and I know I had to tell him and I had been dreading this teh whole day.. and many days before this, I know it's my own fauilt.. but still I'm terriffed..

Then Jensen walked into our room and tears just started to slowly roll down my cheeks and Jensen looked at me worried and sat down on the bed infront me and tried to comfort me but I just shooked my head and then pressed his soft, amazing, wounderful lips against mine and I never wanted to the kiss to stop, because it maybe was the last one.. forever.. When he look his lips from mine more tears straed to roll down my cheek and I said " I love you so much, more then anything in this world and I would do anything for you and then I mean anything. You are the best thing that have ever happend to me, I never thought I was going to have such luck to meet a man like you and who was going to feel the same way about me as I do about you. I will always love you forever and ever you are the man of my dreams, I just want you to know that I love you.." then more tears started to pour down my face and I looked down and I feelt Jensens finger under my chin forceing it up and I looked at him and that just made me cry even more and Jensen looked worried but he said " Honey you can talk to me about everything, I love you " Those words was like a knife throw my heart and I just closed my eyes and took a deep breath and Jensen took my hand and I just let it lie there in his just to feel his hand agianst mine for the last time and then I opend my eyes and said " I'm so sorry for what I'm going to tell you right now, I really am I know it won't help but yeah I'm so sorry.. " I stopped and took a deep breath and said " Last summer in the cottage I..had.... " I took a short pause and took another deep bretah and dried a few tears and countinued " had.. sex with Tobbe.. I'm so sorry. Back then it was just a fun thing to do..and now it's a nightmare and I wish I can take it back.. " Jensen let go of my hand and I could see how hurt, sad and disappointed he was and then I started to cry even more.. he stood up and looked at me and started to walked towards the door and I cried " Jensen please talk to me.. " He didn't answer and when he was about to opend the door he tured around and his beautiful face where filled with tears and he said slowly " The worsed thing isn't that you did it.. the worsed thing is that you waited this long to tell me..I can't do this anymore Tove.." I cried even more and said " Are you breaking up with me? " Then he just said quitly " I don't know.. " Then he walked throw the door and I just lied down on the bed and cried and cried and cried.. just so you know I'm not writing all this so you should feel bad for me because I don't deserve it, hate me that's better..
After a while I heard Tim knocking on everyones door telling them that it was dinner, so I walked into the batroom so he didn't saw that I was crying. It knocked on the door and Tim opend up and said " Tove? " I cleared my throwt and tried to sound normal and then I said " Yeah" He said " It's dinner " i said " I'm not feeling that well so I'm staying here " he said " Okay, tell Jensen that it's dinner because I can't find him.. " then he closed the door and tears started to pour down my face again. I knew that Madde soon was going to found out that I I had told him and then she hopefully will be there for him whatever he need.. and if I know Madde then she will come over to me too to see who I'm feeling.. and I just want to be alone because I don't deserve freinds or my family or Jensen.. but at the same time I don't want to be alone...

Here I'm blogging while everyone is downstairs eating.. and the computer is all wet from my tears driping down on it. I have cried myself throw the whole inlay and everytime i have writen Jensens name it feels like a knife his cutting me opend and stabbing my heart.. which I deserve..
Well now I'm going to end this and go and kill myself because everyone should be so much better off.. so have a nice life people and I see you guys that will end up in hell later.. and Madde will write tomorrow and maybe she will tell you what happend tonight with Jensen and if I killed myself of not.. but probably I will..
Bye..
kisses from a stupid fucking whore.. Tove