Day one...

Heya!

Well here we are now, in Paris. It's pretty nice to be away from sweden but I don't really like to be away from jared and nicky so much... I miss them. Mostly Jared actually, I had a really hard tim to fall asleep last night and didn't sleep so well either and neither did tove. She can't sleep without jensen so none of us slept so good. Anyway before I tell you about today let me tell you alittle about my feelings right now...

When I read yesterday in toves inlay about her talk with zara and the fact that nicky spent the night in her room. Eventhough they were just sleeping, my heart still broke. I know I shouldn't feel like that and that I should be happy for them insted but I can't. It's so hard, even if I love Jared so much I still love Nicky alot and he means so much to me and some days are really hard for me because those are the days when I miss him so much and I just want to go to him and kiss him and tell him what he means to me. I miss just hanging out with him, or lying on his chest with his arms around me and feel every breath he took and hear his heart beat inside his chest. To just be there, in that moment with him and the world was perfect... But now, my heart breaks eventhough it shouldn't... I know that i have been fighting for zara and nicky to fix their realtionship and sometimes I feel like it was the right thing to do but mostly I just don't want to fight anymore... God, I can really hear how bad all this sounds, if jared foudn out about this he would probobly just get hurt and leave me... Zara is like living the dream right now and I know I shouldn't hate her or dislike her for that and a part of me isn't but then there is that other part that just really totally loathes her. That is really horrible to say but it's true and i miss nicky so badly sometimes. I have jared, I know that and I love him so much and I want to make things work out between us. I want to call him my boyfriend again but sometimes, even if he is there, I miss Nicky so much that my heart starts to ache and somehow jared can't make it better at that point. Then I just want to be left alone or go to nicky which is the worst thing I could do becuase then I really prove to everyone how weak i am. I know that Tove has told me that I always can talk to her about this and I know I can and so greatful for that but she hates nicky so she can't possibly understand how it feels. Therefore usually when I feel like this, I call Shane. He is like my true support when it comes to nicky because he there for me and he says ther right things. But tove, honey, It's not that I can't talk to you about this and I will, I promise.. it's just that you sometimes don't say the things I need to hear, or you might say them but you twist and turn them I, blondie, don't really understand what you want to say... thick headed me...

Geez, this started out good, I bet everyone just shut the window down and said "Now she is going on and on about that nicky-dude, can't she just let go!". But it's not that easy but I will tell you about today now insted so you don't have to hear about that nicky-dude.

Like I said earlier, tove and I didn't sleep so well last night because we both miss our men and I couldn't get zaras words out of my head. Anyway when we woke up we each took a shower and got dressed to walk downstairs and eat hotel breakfast :D I love the hotel breakfast, it's like the best thing ever and the breakfast here is amazing!! :D We were like sitting there and eating for like 2 hours, it was really nice. We talked about alot and then tove said "So what will we do today?" I tought for awhile and said "Well, Jensen said that it was on him so why not shop?". She laughed and said "That sounds great!"I smiled and we conituned to eat and then she asked how I was feeling and i said "I'm alright. why?". She said "Well... about this whole thing with zara and nicky.." I nodded and said "I'll be okay, don't worry. Just gotta find all the peices of my heart first.". I laughed alittle but it just sounded really affected and sad so I just stopped and tove put a hand on mine and said "I'm here if you want to talk.". I smiled and siad "I know, thank you. so you miss jensen?". She nodded and said "So much. do you miss jared?" I laughed and said "Ohyeah! Alot, I actually didn't think it would be so hard to be away from him but obviously it is.". She smiled and said "I know what you mean." I smiled and then we finished our brekkie and went upstairs to get our wallets and phones and things. But before we even got outside the room Toves phone rang and it was jensen so we went back into the room so that they could talk for a while, which turned into an hour and I was really starting to get bored to I picked up my own phone and texted Nicky "Hey you. what's up?". After alittle while I got back "Hey honey! not much... wanted to go for a ride with the bike but you're not home so I think I'll just stay home. how's things in Paris?". I couldn't help but smiled when I read those words and I worte back "Aw you're so sweet. Things are good, we are going shopping soon, it'll be great!". We continued to text for a while but then tove began to say "i love you, i love you more." and things like that so i knew she had finished talking with jensen so I texted to Nicky "We're going now. Let's take a ride when I get home okay? I really miss you nicky, love you. kisses.". he replyed "that sounds great! I really miss you too, alot. I love you too, have fun adn send tove my love. kisses.". i smiled and put the phone away and after alittle while tove put hers away too and I asked "So how's jared and jensen?". She smiled and said "Well they miss us and they are alittle hungover today.". I laughed and said "Thay had it coming. So did they meet any girls?" she shook her head and said "Not according to jensen but who knows...". I laughed and said "Jealous?" she just stared at me which made me laugh even harder and then she siad "Who were you texting?". I said "Just nicky.. he sends his love." she just nodded and said "okay. shall we go and spend some money?". I smiled and got off the bed and said "Let's!!" tove smiled and we headed downstairs again and out through the big gate and got out on the street.

We deisded that we didn't really feel like taking a cab so we walked and saw alot of paris and then all of the sudden we saw a fire truck not so far away so we desided to go over there and see what was going on. When we got there we sat an old woman standing under a tree together with two firemen and then one fireman was in the tree trying to get a cat down from it. I smiled and looked at the man in the tree and the when he finally got a hold of the cat and got it down he gave it to the woman and then he saw me and tove and smiled and patted his colleagues on thier shoulders and walked over to us. I smiled and gave him a hug and said "hello sexy." he just laughed adn said "Hi you guys. So how was your evening last night?". I said "It was good, alot of good food and good company and nice talks.". He smiled and so did tove and stroke my arm and then he said "So you guys are sure you don't want to go out with me tonight, eat some good food, drink some good wine and just hang out?". I was just about to say that we would love to but then tove said "Sorry we can't.." he nodded and said "Well, if you chang your minds then give me a call.". I smiled and gave him another hug and then he ran back to the truck and they drove off. Tove just hit my arm and said "It was just suppose to be us and no guys!". I said "But he is my dream man!" and she siad "I don't care, I'll call jared.". I just stared at her angry and cursed her under my breath and then we conituned to walk and soon we found the first shop that we diseded to chekc out.

During our shopping time the first 3 hours we found alot of really nice clothes and shoes and make up and hair products and perfumes and stuff. It was really great to be just me and tove out shopping, I can't even remember the last time we did that just the two of us. I've really missed just hanging out with her and then we took a cup of coffee because we got hungry and had to rest our feet and we had a really great time. while we were sitting there eating and drinking I asked how she was doing about this whole thing with tobbe and all and she said "I'm so worried and scared. I know I have to tell jensen but how can I? He will leave me and I can't lose him... not again.". I took her hand and squeezed it and siad "I know you are honey but you have to tell him. He won't leave you, he loves you to much... I know that he will be sad and disappointed and hurt but he would never leave you becuase of that. Together you guys can go through anything, trust me.". She sighed and shook her head and said "I don't know, I've hurt him so bad so many times so it wouldn't surprise me if he doesn't care that he loves me.". I hate to see tove so sad and worried and I just wish I could do something more for her... I said "Don't be so negative.. He won't leave you and I bet he won't be so angry for so long either, he can't because your love burns stronger then all the mistakes both of you have done.". She just sat there and then she said "We'll just have to see about that won't we..." I just shook my head and then toves eyes wandered away to a couple not far form us who were kissing and laughing adn looking into each others eyes with love. She sighed adn I hit her arm and said "Don't do that! You'll just make everything worse for yourself and we are here to work on OUR relationship adn not sit here and go crazy for something you did a year ago and have to tell your boyfriend.". She stared at me and I said "Sorry, I knwo it's hard for you but let's not focus on that, let's have fun... you and me, for once. I miss you..". She slowly nodded and said "You're right, I'm sorry too and I miss you alot. Let's go and do something fun.". I smiled adn we got up and I gave her a big hug and said "Don't worry so much, he loves you.". She nodded and then we walked out on the street and conituned to hit the stores and I found a 14 carat white gold link bracelet to Jared. It's going to look amazing on his tan wrists and I really hope he will like it, it just cost about 624 euros. :) Tove thought it looked great so now I just have to wait to give it to Jared and see what he has to say. I got something for nicky too, a pair of really gorgeous white gold with black onyx and a diamond cufflinks. I hope he will like them because I know they are going to look great on him. :) Tove found a really nice necklace to jensen and then we bought a few toys for My and then we found an apron with a big lips on and it said "kiss the chef" on it. We just laught when we bought it and we hope that johan will like it too :P ahhahaha We found a very pretty necklace to krisen and then we diseded to buy a really funny ring. We couldn't stop laughing when we bought it because it was soooooo funny!!! :P hahahahhahaha

After doing alot of shopping we went back to the hotell with soooo many bags, we didn't even feel like counting them because it was so many. I think I have to buy a new suitcase because otherwise I will never be able to get everything home :P hahaha And tove has to but one too... I told her not to bring so much becuase she was going to buy things here but she never listens :P hahahaha. anyway when we got home tove called jensen again so I desided to call Jared. When he picked up and I heard his voice I felt a pit in my stomach and he said "Hey love!". I smiled and said "Jared, god I miss you." he said "Oh honey, I miss you too. I could hardly sleep last night.". I laughed and said "Sure you couldn't, I bet you were so drunk when you got home so that you just fell asleep as soon as you hit the pillow.". He laughed and said "Actually no, I wasn't that drunk yesterday... But tonight I'm going to be!!". I laughed and said "Yeah i bet! I on the other hand really miss you and I could hardly sleep last night.". He said "Aaw honey, I really miss you too. But how has your first day been in Paris then?". I smiled and said "It's been good, we have shopped and talked and laughed and bought our favourite people gifts.". He said with a very happy voice "Really?! What am I getting?!" I laughed and said "What? who said anything about you?". He said "You're stupid, you can't do that, get my hopes up." I laughed and said "Do you have any idea how cute you are? Of course I have gotten you something and I hope you'll like it.". He said "Yay! I bet I will love it because it's you who bought it for me.". I smiled and said "Aw you're so sweet. so you guys are going out tonight too? did you find any hot girls out last night?". He laughed and said " yes we are and yes we did. There was a lot of really beautifyl women there and a few of them was hitting on both me and jensen.". I felt my jaws tense up and I said "And did any of you flirt back?" he laughed and said "No why would we, we have our girls in paris and we know they miss us so we know that we will get some when they come home on Monday.". I laughed and said "oh really, so you think that you'll get something when I get home?" he laughed and said "I sure hope so becuase then I'll give it to you good.". I smiled and said "Ooo, now I can't wait to get home! you can't speak like that and get me all worked up when I can't have sex with someone!". He laughed and said "You have tove." I just sighed and said "Ha-ha really funny Jared.". He just laughed and said that he tought it was funny but I just sighed and said that he was a jerk and he siad "no but seriously, I really miss you alot.". I smiled and said "I really miss you too, don't flirt so much with the girls tonight and make sure Jensen doesn't call Tove so much and I'll make sure Tove doesn't call jensen so much.". He laughed and said "I won't, i swear. I'll do that, I'll throw jensen phone out the window or down the toilet.". I laughed and said "That sounds great! I love you and talk to you later. miss you.". he said "sounds good, I love you so much and miss you like crazy!!". then we hung up and so did jensen and tove.

After talked with the lads we desided to go out and eat so we went to a really nice french restaurant with a lot of couples and they looked so happy and cuddely and so on but we had a lot of fun just me and tove as well and we laughed alot. When we had gotten our food we talked about everything and nothing and then tove asked "So... how are you doing after all this with zara and nicky?". I put my knife and fork down and said "I'm alright... I mean it hurts but I shouldn't think like that now when I have jared.. It's just hard and i still love nicky and miss alot.". She nodded and said "I know that it can't be easy to stay away from him or be happy for them but try.". I sighed and said "I am trying. but it's so hard to be happy for someone who is living a life I would want to live...". She nodded and said "Maybe but do you still want to live that life, I tought you wanted to live a life with jared.". I sighed and said "yea i want to live a life with jared but there is still a part of me that wants to make a life with nicky and have him around me all the time...". She nodded and said "You have to get rid of that part Madde." I just looked at her like she was stupid but tried to calm down and said "I know that and I am trying.. I really am but it's really hard. Think if you had to fall out of love with jensen, how easy would that be? It wouldn't be possible.". She said "I guess you're right... it wouldn't work at all but you ha..." and I interrupted and said "have too.. I know that and I'm working on it the best I can.". She nodded and said "Well, I'm supporting you as long as you know that you want to be with jared and not nicky.". I nodded and said "I want to be with jared and not nicky but he will always be in my heart and he will always be my friend.". She nodded and said "I'm glad to hear that you want to be with Jared and I know that even if I don't like that you and nicky are friends and that he will always be in your heart and mind he will alway be there with you.". I nodded and said "I know you don't aprove to it but i love him and I don't think it's possible to get him completely out of my head and heart.". She nodded and said "I get that." I smiled and said "Good.". then we talked about other things and we had a lot of fun and it really felt like we were back to the way we were before.

After dinner we walked around paris alittle and then we went back to the hotel and watched a movie and just hung out and had a good time. but now we are going to watch another movie with some hot guys in and eat popcorn and just laugh and drool alittle ;) hahah nightie! btw, sorry for a kind of boring inlay :P

I just want to say that i miss jared and nicky and the rest of the family alot. LOVE YOU!

Take care
Love
Madde