Feelings...

Heya!

Well today have been diffecult in many ways but I've gone through it and I'm happy that i did... let me tell you about it.

I woke up this morning when I felt Jareds fingers move over my jawline, I smiled and cuddled up closer to him and he wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. i kissed his chest and listened to his heartbeat which is like the most soothing sound in the world, I just love it. But then all of the sudden my phone rang so I left Jareds chest and picked it up and heard nicky say "Hey, did i wake you up?". I sat up and said "No, it's okay. Are you okay?" it was quiet for a while and i knew that he wasn't okay and he said "Yeah whatever...". I closed my eyes and shook my head and felt Jareds hand on my thigh and when I opened my eyes I could see the consern in his eyes. I said "Nicky... you can tell me." he sighed and said "I don't know why i called, go back to jared.". I said quickly "No, nicky! I'm here for you nad you know that. Please talk to me, I'll come over later and maybe we can take a ride on the bike and just hang out?". He said "Okay, thank you honey." I said "Yeah, no problem... I just have to eat some breakfast and then I'll come over.". He just said "Okay, good." and hung up. I looked at the phone and felt so bad for him and Jared slowly took the phone out of my hand and put it on the nightstand and said "You okay?". I nodded and said "I have to go to nicky later, is that okay?" he kissed my cheek and said "Of course. Is he okay?". I sighed and shook my head and he asked what had happened and i said "I don't know if I should tell you... it's about zara and nicky..". He nodded and said "It's okay, you don't have to. shall we go downstairs and eat some breakfast before you go?". I smiled and nodded and just before he got out of bed I took a hold of his arm and pulled him down on the bed againa nd siad "Thank you, what would i do without you?". He smiled and gave me a kiss and said "Crash and burn." I smiled and said "Probobly.". he stroke my cheek and we left the bed and put some clothes on and walked downstairs for breakfast. Krisen, johan and johanna was already sitting in the kitchen and got a bit surprised that we came down because johan looked at us and said "You guys up so early?". I looked at the clock and saw that it was just 10 and I said "Well, I have something I have to do today...". Johan looked at me with curious eyes and so did the others and johanna said "Okay? and that is?". I didn't say anything but then Jared hugged me and said "She is going to spend tim with a friend.". and that just made johanna even more curious and she said "how many other friends do you have other then the family?". I stared at her and said "What the fuck do you mean with that? That I don't have any friends?!". She put her hands up in the air to show that she was sorry but I just walked to the fridge and took out the butter and other stuff. Then I heard krisen behind me say "Madde, what's worng honey?" I sighed and siad "Nothing, don't worry. I'll handle it..". then Jared helped me with the breakfast and we joined the around the table and johanna said "I'm sorry madde. I didn't mean for it to sound the way it did.". I sighed and nodded and said "It's okay, I overreacted. I'm going to nickys..". Kristina and Johan looked at me conserned but johanna just said "Oh okay... why?" and Johan said "That a good idea?". I looked at him and he just said "I'm not stopping you.." I siad "He's hurting and I have to show that I'm here for him...". Then Johanna said "What about zara?" and Krisen said "Zara and nicky aren't exacly together anymore but I think they are trying to figure it out, right?". I looked down at the table and nodded and continued to eat my breakfast. I was fighting with the urge to just run away to nicky and be there for him but I knew I couldn't do that because we are just friends and I have Jared. Jared squeezed my hand and then I felt another hand on my thigh and I looked to my left and saw Johans conserned face there. I gave him a greatful smile and he smiled back and patted my thigh twise and removed his hand. Then he siad " So how are you feeling?" I shrugged and asked how he meant and he said "Your feelings for him.". I bit my lip and looked at Jared but he just siad "It's okay, don't owrry about me.". I shook my head and said "I still love him if that's what you mean." he nodded and then I gave Jared a kiss on his cheek and went upstairs to take a shower.

When I got out from the shower and opened the door to my room I got a huge surprise becuase there was Johan sitting on my bed. I stopped and when he saw me he just looked away and said "Sorry.". I laughed and said "It's okay, I have towel around me and you know that I'm not so shy.". he smiled and said "Alright." I smiled and walked into the wardrobe and when I came out again with clothes on I sat down next to Johan and asked if he wanted something and he said "There is something bothering you, isn't there?". I sighed and said "Is it realyl that obvious? I thought I was a good actor.". He smiled and said "You are a good actor but this morning I saw a shadow of that girl who was sitting in the livingroom a few weeks ago staring at the moon.". I swallowed and said "Yeah?" he nodded and took my hands in his and he siad "How are you doing? For real this time. Jared isn't here and I know that you don't want to hurt him.". I felt tears starting to build up in my eyes and I knew that if I would have said something they would have escaped my attemts to hold them back and they would start pouring down my cheeks without stopping. but then Johan stroke my cheek and said "Honey?" and a tear fell down my cheek and I looked at him and said "I miss him!". I threw myself around his neck and all the tears I was fighting back just fell down my face. He stroke my head and back and comforted me and then he said "I know. But what about Jared?". I looked at him and brushed my tears away and said "I love Jared so much and when I'm with him I forget about Nicky but sometimes I feel like a huge part of me is missing and i know that it's together with Nicky. I don't want to feel like that, I want to be able to give all of me to Jared and only to him.". Johan smiled slightly and stroke my cheek and said "You have changed so much darling. You are such a wonderful woman and I know that Jared loves you above everything on this earth and you will stop feeling this way for nicky and you will give yourself completely to Jared. trust me.". I sobbed and siad "But when?!" he said "I don't know, but it will take time and it will hurt but you are strong and you will get through it. And no matter what, I know that nicky never leave you, he will always be in your heart and as your friend.". I moved closer to him and put my head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around me and I said "I'm not strong.". He kissed my forehead adn said "Yes you are, maybe you can't see it but everyone else can. We love you, I love you.". I closed my eyes and said "I love you too Johan.". We sat there for a while and it was really nice, Johan is a great guy and even though he is kind of quiet and you wouldn't think he know so much about so many thins but he is always listening and seeing everything. He's a good man and Krisen is a lucky woman.

After a while we got up from the bed and he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and said "You are strong beautiful and loving and Jared is lucky to have you and nicky, he is lucky too because you are an amazing friend.". I smiled and said "Thank you." gave him a kiss on his cheek and we both went downstairs. I walked over to Jared and he gave me a hug and I said "I'll be home as soon as I can. I promis.". He stroke my cheek and said "You don't have to hurry, take your time.". I kissed him deeply and looked him in his eyes and said slowly "I love you Jared." he smiled and kissed me and siad "I love you too.". I gave him a last kiss and then I said goodbye to everyone and walked the 15 minutes to Nicky. I knocked on the door and Emma opened, she gave me a smile and I said "Hey, is nicky home?". She nodded and let me in and said "He's in his room..." I nodded and was just about to walk up the stairs when she siad "Do you know what's going on?". I stopped and looked at her and she said "But mum and nicky are really down and nicky is hardly talking at all... What's going on?". I walked over to her and said "I'm sorry but I don't have the right to tell you. If I were you I would ask zara about it...". She nodded and said "It's okay... You're going to talk to nicky?" I said "Yeah, I'm going to try and cheer him up alittle... maybe go for a ride with the bike... we'll see.". She nodded and said "I'm not angry you know, with you. I know that you're trying to work things out with jared and I'm happy for that.". I smiled and said "Thanks... So you're fine with me being nickys friend?" and she said "As long as you're just friends.". i smiled and said "Thanks emma." she nodded and I walked upstairs to nickys room. I knocked on the door and heard him ask who it was so I said that it was me and he opened the door at once. He looked really down but he tried to give me a smile when he saw me eventhough I could see right through it. I smiled slightly and gave him a hug and he closed the door and hugged me back. I don't know how long we were standing there in each others arms but after a while we broke from the hug and sat down on the bed. I could tell that he had been trying to clean himself up alittle this morning because his hair was still alittle wet and he smelled great but I could see in his eyes that he was pretty down. I took his hand and asked "Are you okay? And don't lie to me because you know that I can see right through it.". He smiled alittle becuase of that fact and he said "I can't believe she did it.. I mean maybe I don't have the right to be upset because of it but I though we were trying to fix things between us...". I stroke his cheek and felt the stubble under my palm and I said "I know... but of course you can be upset... You love her, right?". He nodded and said "Yes." and I said "Well... then I understand why you're upset. But you have to talk to her.". He said "I can't right now... I don't know what to do.." I felt really sorry for him and said "have you talked to her?". He swallowed and said "We tried to talk about it this morning but... I don't know.". I moed alittle closer and said "Did you just leave her when she tried to talk?" he shook his head and said "no, we talked alittle but then Emma and David walked in and I went up here and called you... I'm sorry I called, you maybe wanted to be with Jared today.". I stroke his amr and said "Don't worry about it, I haven't seen you in a long time and I miss you and I wanted to come.". He smiled and said "I miss you too.." I smiled and said "Promis me something?" he nodded and i said "promsi me that you'll talk to zara about this tonight.". He nodded and said "I promis." then I said "She is really sorry... She regrets it, I know so.". he didn't say anything, he just looked down on the floor and I knew that it wouldn't do any good to just sit there and talk about it more so I said "So what do you say about you, me, a very nice birthday gift and the roads?". He looked at me and smiled and said "I would love to." I smiled and took his hand and pulled him out of bed and then he wrapped his arms around me and said "Thank you honey. I love you so much, you are to good for me.". I smiled and said "I'm here for you always and forver and I love you too.". He smiled and we walked downstairs and out to the garage to ride away on the bike. But then he noticed that he had forgotten his wallet inside so I ran in and got it but then when I was about to run out again I met zara in the hallway. She just looked at me and then I desided to show her that she meant alot to me so I walked over to her and gave her a hug and said "Everything will be okay. Give him some time nad don't worry.". When we let go she just looked at me and I said "I'm going to take him with me out for a ride with the bike to clear his head and then he promised me to talk to you tonight. So think out what you want to tell him.". She nodded and siad "Thank you." I nodded and said "Gotta go." and walked pass her and out to the garage again where Nicky was waiting. He looked so great on that bike, I'm so happy that I gave it to him. :) He gave me a smile and I got up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist and then he started the bike and we drove off. i just love to ride that bike with nicky, it's one of the best things in the world. We drove out of town and after about an hour and a half he pulled over and stopped on the side of a small field, we both got off and he said "So how's things going with Jared?". I looked at him and said "It's good.." he looked at me and said "Please tell me that it's better then good so I know that we are doing the right thing.". I said "I didn't think you wanted to hear that." he walked closer to me and said "I need to know that you guys are great so I know that you and me will never be.". I swallowed and said "It's great. I love him and he loves me.". He nodded and looked over the field and siad "Good... good." I stroke his arm and took his hand and said "You okay?". he nodded and siad "yeah." I shook my head and said "Stop lying to me nicky byrne!". He looked at me and said "I'm sorry. But I will be." I nodded and said "Good. you know, yesterday I almost got withdrawal symptoms and was so close at running back to you.". He smiled alittle and said "Really?" I nodded and said "Some days are better then others." he said "I know what you mean. I still love you madde and somedays it's so hard to stay away from you.". I said "I know and I still love you and eventhough I have Jared I still miss you like crazy sometimes.". He nodded and squeezed my hand and then we just stood there in silence looking over the field.

After awhile we got on the bike again and drove off home because it was starting to get close to dinner and if was going to take almost two hours before we got home again. When we were back in nickys garage he asked what I was going to do this weekend and I said "Tove and I are going to Paris.". He said "Really? wow, that sound like fun." i smiled and said "Yeah, it's going to be great, just me and her.". Then he said "And the flying? is that going to be fun too?" I stared at him adn he began to laugh adn I said "You are so mean nicky!! And I hate flying with tove ebcause she always falls alseep and it's like impossible to wake her up!". He laughed and said "I feel so sorry for you.", I just stared at him and siad "like I said, you're mean!". Then he said "Well, you'll probobly find someone to talk to or you can always ask if you can hang out with the pilotes or you can turn on your Ipod and listen to westlife.". I smiled and said "I'm not leaving sweden without my Ipod filled with you guys so yeah, you'll probobly be my company during the flight.". He smiled and then the garage door opened and Emma peeked in and said "thought I heard you guys come back.". I smiled and said "So have Nicky given you a ride on the bike then?" she walked over to us and shook her head and nicky said "I didn't even know you wanted to test ride it.". She said "Well... I don't know if I have the curage to..." I laughed and said "What can happen? Don't be a wuss like your mother.". She laughed and so did Nicky and she said "Fine, Nicky can you give me a ride to Sandra tonight?". He smiled and said "i would love to." then he looked at me and mimiced "thank you.". I just smiled and said to emma "You are going to love it!".She just smiled and looked at the bike and Nicky walked over to me and gave me a hug and siad "Thank you for a good day, making me forget for a while.". I smiled and kissed his cheek and said "Anything for you. If you need me, just call and I'll be there.". He nodded and said "I will." I stroke his cheek and siad "I have to go, see ya and take care of yourself, you hear me?". He smiled and said "Yeah, you bet. bye honey." I smiled and hugged him again and whispered "Bye babe, I miss you.". He whispered back "Miss you too.". then I let go of him and patted Emma on her shoulder and said goodbye and left them alone in the garage while I walked home.

When I walked through the doors at home I immediately ran into Tim, who had apparently come home from Molly. I smiled and said "Hey you." he smiled and said "Hi." and then he conituned to get out of his outside clothes. When he was going to take his hoodie off his t-shirt followed it up so it revealed his abs and I bit my lip and stared at them. And of course I had to take advantage of the opportunity so I walked over to him and reached out my hand and stroke his abs. He finally got his hoddie off and he stared at me as I had my hadn on his stomach and he asked "Madde, what are you doing?". I gave him a cheesy smile and moved alittle closer which made him back into the wall but i moved closer still and was just a few inches away from his face and said "nothing.". He looked into my eyes and then his eyes started to flicker between my eyes and my lips. I conitued to stroke his abs and then my hand slowly found it's way into his pants and he closed his eyes and began to breath through his mouth and then he took a hold behind my neck and pulled me in to kiss me. I have actually missed his kisses and his touch, he is a really good lover and he is a good guy when he wants too and to feel his lips against mine and the eager in his kisses just got me really worked up. He moved his lips from mine and began to kiss my neck insted and I put my hand inside his boxers as well and felt his hard beast in my hand. I smiled and he said "upstairs!" I smiled and pulled up my hand and walked upstairs with him and just when we got into his room he pushed me down on his bed and got ontop of me and began to kiss me and I felt his eager tognue play with mine. His tremlbling hands took a hold of my top and pulled it over my head and then he began to kiss my neck and collorbone and chest. I smiled and ran my hand through his hair, over his back and took a hold of his t-shirt and pulled it off. Then he looked at me with such intensity and I said "I though you didn't like me anymore." and he said "How can i not?". And then he leaned down again and kissed my lips. I ran my fingers over his bare back and felt his muscles work under his skin. I moved my hands to the front and began to undo his pants and pulled them over his gorgeous ass and put my hand in his boxers and took a hold of his beast and moved. He moved his hands to my back and undid my bra and threw it on the floor and he began to massage my boobs and it felt soo good!! I moaned and just wanted more and then he undid my pants and threw them on the floor together with my panites. I can say like this, I didn't really need so much more foreplay because I was totally wet and his beast was as up as it could be so I took his boxers off and ran my hands over his abs and then he looked me in the eyes and was just about to press it in me when we heard a knock on the door and Tim said "who is it?". And Tove said "It's me! What are you doing? Mum wants to know if molly is coming here to eat.". I looked at him, afraid that mollys name would make him leave me but he just said "No she isn't coming. Leave now!" and then he looked at me and smiled and I just smiled back and then he pressed his beast in me and began to move. I moaned and ran my hands over his amazing back and ass. then he stopped moving and kissing me and said "what about Jared?" and I have to say that I felt kind of guilty but I said "What about him?". He just smiled and began to kiss me and move inside of me again. I know that I shouldn't sleep with Tim but I'm doing it because he has to break up with molly and Jared knows that this whole thing with tim is just for fun. I'm not in love with him and I never will fall in love with him either. I just hope I don't hurt Jared because of this.. I'll make it up to him later tonight. I ran my hand over his abs and he moved harder and faster. I moaned and so did he and it felt so good eventhough Jared is way better but tim isn't bad. He began to kiss my neck and I closed my eyes and focused on his beast inside of me and it felt so amazing then all of the sudden he stroke my stomach further and further down and began to help out with his fingers and it made me moan loudly. i smiled and breathed really shallow and so did he and then I felt how close I was getting and I moaned "Faster, deeper!" and he began to do so and it was so good!!! I moaned and my muscles started to tense up and then I came and it felt soooooo good!!! I stopped breathing and burried my nails in his back but he just conituned to go and after a little while he got all tense to and I felt his beast grow alittle more in me and then he came wiht a loud moan. I smiled and ran my fingers through his hair and he took his beast out and laid down next to me. I took a pleased breath and laid down on his chest and he stroke my arm and kissed my head and I said "I've miss you Tim.". I felt his lips against my head turn to a smile and he said "i've missed you too.". I smiled and touched his abs and chest and then he said "God that was good.". I smiled and said "Really?" he siad "Yeah, you don't think so?". I smiled and kissed his chest and looked at him and said "Yes it was.". He smiled and stroke my cheek and kissed me and said "I'm glad I moved here.". I smiled and said "Acutally, I am too.. but I guess you are happy because you met Molly.". He stopped stroking my arm which he had done all along and said "yeah." but then he looked away so I knew he was lying and I turned his face back to mine and gave him a deep passionated kiss. When our lips parted he just looked at me and then he smiled and siad "How can someone be so beautiful?". I smiled and said "I don't know... but thank you." he smiled and kissed me and then I just laid my head abck on his chest and we laid there cuddeling for a while.

After about 30 mintues I tought that I should go and look for Jared so I gave Tim a kiss and got dressed and left his room. I walked over to mine and jareds room and there he was, lying on the bed with the computer. I smiled when I saw him and then I walked over to him and kissed his hair. He hadn't noticed me but when he felt my lips against his head he reacted and whn he saw me he smiled and pulled me into his arms and said "Hello goregous! How was it at nickys?". I smiled and kissed him and MAN he is so much better at kissing then tim is :P ahhaha anyway I said "Hello sexy. It was good, we drove around with the bike and talked.". He nodded and laid me down on the bed and began to kiss me even more and between the kisses he said "i've missed you.". I smiled and ran my fingers through his hair as he kissed me and I said "I've missed you too actually.". He stopped kissing me and smiled and siad "Thank you." I laughed and pulled his down for more kisses but then we heard tove yell that dinner was ready so Jared gave me a last kiss and then we walked hand in hand downstairs and joined the others around the table. Tim was alittle slower then the rest of us but he had taken a shower becuase when he came down his hair was all wet adn messy and when he saw me he just stopped and smiled alittle and then he sat down on his seat. I smiled to myself and then I looked at Jared and gave him a kiss and he looked at me surprised but then he smiled and kissed me again and then we continued to eat.

After dinner Jared and I walked up to our room to just hang out but then Tove and jensen knocked on the door and asked if we wanted to see a movie and we said yes. Then I remembered something that I had forgotten this mornign because I was awake so early so I got up and hugged tove and said "i love you.". She smiled and said "I love you too." then we laid down in bed and watched a movie. It was so nice to just cuddle up with Jared and watch a movie and not think about anything else. I have acutally missed him during the day eventhough I've been ahnging out with nicky all day and had sex with tim... Anyway after watching like 3 movies Tove and jensen desided to go to bed so we said goodnight and then it was just Jared and I left. He asked "So how was Nicky?" I siad "Not so good but I think that taking the bike and go for a ride helped him clear his head. He promised me that he would talk to zara tonight, I just hope he does..". He smiled and stroke my cheek and said "You worry so much, don't. He'll be fine and so will zara but I'm glad you're there for him.". I smiled and said "I guess i am but I'm like that." then he wrinkled his foreahed and said "This morning when you came downstairs with johan... You'd been crying?". I nodded and said "Yeah... I had." and he stroke my cheek adn said "Why?". I swollowed and said "I talked to johan about nicky and some other stuff and you know me, I'm so sensitive so I just bursted out crying.. No big deal.". He nodded and then he said "Well i love that sensitive side of you." I smiled and kissed him and then he gave me a cheesy smile and said "Wanna have some fun?". I smiled and said "Yes please, but let me just blog first okay?". He sighed and said "always that damn blog." I laughed and kissed him and said "well deal with it.". He just smiled and laid down on the bed and began to read a book and I began to blog so here i am now but now I'm going to take that book of his and throw it across the room and give jared a ride that he will never forget :P

Tove will blog tomorrow and then she will hopefully tell you all about hers and jensen special evening yesterday ;) ahhaha
Take care
Love
Madde