Talk..

Heya!

Today i have like only walked around in fear but att he same time tried to be there for Jensen because he is realyl broken about when tove told him about tobbe and her yesterday. Anyway let me tell you about today.

I had a really hard time sleeping tonight, I was dreaming nightmares all the time and every dream ended with Jared leaving me and then I finally woke up and saw him sleeping next to me. I looked at him, his gorgeous face, wondeful lips and cheekbones.. just everything on him. I felt my heart beat faster but at the same time it broke into a thousand peices. I carefully brushed some hair away from his face but he didn't move so I continued to lie there and look at him. Before I knew it silent tears was falling down my face and I just couldn't seem to keep them from pouring over my cheeks. I don't know what I would do if Jared would leave me, of course I totally understand if he would because I'm such a bitch towards him. But i have lost Nicky and to lose Jared as well... It would kill me. After alittle while he made a quiet sound and slowly opened his eyes and looked at me. I smiled slightly but tears was still running down my cheek and I stroke his cheek and felt the stubble under my hand. His eyes turned from neutral to worried and he stroke my cheek and said "What's wrong honey?". I leaned closer to his face, closed my eyes and carefully kissed his lips. Then he looked even more worried and he sat up slightly and siad "Madde? What's wrong?". I said "I love you, I really really do and I'm so sorry that I'm hurting you so bad.". Now he didn't look worried anymore, now he just said "It's okay." I closed my eyes and now I started to cry for real and I said "No it's not! I know how you feel and i know that I'm hurting you. Please stop lying to me Jared.". He looked down on the bed and said "I'm sorry. Sure I'm hurting but I love you.". I shook my head and looked at him and said "I don't deserve you, I love you so much but all i do is hurt you and you deserve so much better.". He sighed and said "Sure you do, I love you and I want to be with you." I said "I want to be with you too and I'm trying so hard. I'm so so sorry that I make you feel like you come second and that you aren't enough for me. You are, trust me.". He looked me in the eyes and I saw tears build up in the corner of his eyes and he said "No I'm not, I'm not nicky. I know you love him, you are crazy about him. And I hate it. I want you to feel that way about me and no one else and when I saw how jealous you got yesterday when nicky told zara that she was beautiful I got so frustrated.". I got out of bed and walked over to the window and rested my head against the wall and felt how my eyes began to hurt because of the crying. I said "I love him and I can't deny it because I can't lie to anyone anymore, I'm done with lying. But beileve me when I say that I hate that i have such strong feelings for him. I hate to be jealous all the time, I hate to love a person I can't have, I hate to hurt the other people I love and I'm so fucking tired of crying all the time!!!". the last sentence I almost screamed out because I was so frustrated and I slowly sunk down on the floor and buried my face i my hands and cried. It didn't take long untill I felt Jared sit down behind me and wrap his arms around me but I just got up and sat down on the bed insted and said "Don't feel sorry for me. I don't want that anyone feels sorry for me, I deserve this and you deserve so much better.". He walked over to me and said "I don't care if I derserve better then you, because there is no one better and even if there was, I wouldn't want her. I believe you when you say that you don't want to love him so much, then try to let him go.". I looked up on his face and said "What do you think I'm doing? I am trying to let go of him, I've beent rying to do just that for like months but it's so hard. And now I'm so close at losing you too and I don't know what I would do then. If you go then I have just one last part left of my heart and that is toves part... But how can a person live with just a third of her heart? I've never heard of such a thing.". He sat down next to me and said "I know that you are trying, I can see that but it's really hard for me too to see you look at him with all that love and to see you around him because you always have a smile on your face and you are like glowing. If I would leave you, I wouldn't even have a third of my heart because you have stolen my heart completely, I love you sooo much Madde Karlsson.". I looked at him and said "I know it's hard for you. How can love me so much? I don't get it.". He stroke my cheek and dried the tears away and looked into my eyes and said "Because you are amazing, you care about people, you give everyone a chance, you truly love the people around you and you would do anything to protect them. You have a heart of gold and you are humble, affectionated and wondeful. And you are so beautiful, everything about you is just magical and everytime I look into your eyes I get lost and it feels like you can see my soul and i love it. And everytime you kiss me... God I can't even explaine it, it feels like the world stops and it's just the two of us in all the world and nothing else matters but the love that is between us.". Once again I began to cry but not because I was angry or sad but because of love, of how a person can love me so much and how beautifully he said it. I put my hand on his cheek and said "I will do everything in my power to let Nicky go and I promis you that I will give you my heart completely to you and no one else.". He took a deep breath and then he leaned in and pressed his lips against mine and I never wanted that kiss to end. But of course it ended but then he just looked into my eyes and I stroke his cheek and said "I love you Jared and I want to be with you. Please tell me if I hurt you, I need your help to let go of nicky. Please.". He said "I love you too and I want to be with you too. I promise you that I'll help you and that I will tell you if I hurt.". I nodded nad wrapped my arms around him and hugged him and he held me tight and we just sat there for a while. But then of course my phone rang so I picked it up and nicky said "Hey honey, what's up?". I looked at Jared and said "Hi, you know what, I can't really talk right now nicky.". Jared looked down on the floor but I could tell that he was smiling and Nicky said "Oh okay, well... I'll call you later thn.". I said "Yeah do that, bye nico.". He said "Okay, bye love." and we hung up and I took Jareds hand and said "You hungry baby?". He looked at me and smiled and said "You know me, I'm always hungry.". i laughed and we put some clothes on and went downstairs to eat breakfast.

When we got down we found Krisen, johan and Johanna in the kitchen and they said goodmorning and then Johan said "Madde are you okay? have you been crying?". I sighed and Jared kissed my cheek and went to make breakfast so I sat down and said "Yeah.. It's okay, I'm alright.". He gave me a doubting look and said "okay, what happened?" I sighed and said "Do we have to talk about it, it's between me and Jared.". He nodded and then I got up, walked over to him and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek and said "But thank you for your concern.". He smiled and said "I care about you so of course I'm concerened. I love you.". I smiled and said "I love you too Johan." then I walked back to my seat and Jared gave me a cup of coffee and a sandwich and sat down next to me. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and said thank you and then we began to eat. After a while Johanna said "So where's Jensen adn tove?" and Krisen said "I bet they are lying in bed still.". I looked at Jared and then I finished my sandwhich and said "Jared, I'm going to go and talk to jensen... can you go to Tove?". He nodded and Krisen said "What's going on?" and I said "That is up to tove to tell you... but they are fighting...". She shook her head and I kissed Jared and went upstairs to find Jensen.

I tried all the spare bedrooms and of course the last one I tried was locked so I knocked and said "Jensen, please open.". He heard his voice from inside say "Leave me alone." I sighed and said "Jensen, I'd rather have you opening the door by yourself or I will have to pick the lock.". He didn't open the door so I picked the lock and slowly opened the door and found him lying on the bed turned away from me. He said "Madde, please just leave." I sighed and walked over to the bed and laid down next to him and put my arms around him and kissed his shoulder and said "She is really sorry.". He sighed and said "Please..." I shook my head and rested my forehead on his shoulder nad then he turned around and laid down on his back and I rested my hand in my palm insted and he siad "I can't believe she first said that she didn't have any more secrets and then she tells me this... After such a long time too..". I said "I know Jensen and I've told her that many times but I kind of understand why she didn't tell you, it's so scary to have a secet like that and her greatest fear in life is to lose you.". He looked at me with sleepy red eyes and said "I know and my greatest fear is to lose her but I'm so sick of her secrets and being hurt so many times.". I put my other hand on his that was resting on his bare abs and I said "I know and I can understand that you are sick of it because I would be too and I'm sick of seeing you hurt but when you're with her you are so happy.". He nodded and said "Yes I am.. I'm so happy around her because I love her so bloody much it's crazy!". I said "I know, I can tell. And she loves you so much too. You know, there was this really sexy guy at the hotel in paris that was hitting on her one morning and you know what she did? She totally ignored him, she didn't even look at him or notice that he was actually flirting.". He looked at me and said "Really?" I nodded and siad "She truly loves you, she is going to marry you and she is carrying your baby! she wouldn't even think about it if it had been some other dude.". He turned his eyes away from me and said "But still she kept this from me..". I said "But she told you now.. Sure it was really really stupid of her to sleep with tobbe and it was even more foolish of her not to tell you until now but aren't you glad that she did tell you? what if she would have have kept it to herself forever?". He sighed and said "Sure I am glad she told me but she should have told me when it happened..". I stroke his cheek and said "Have you nitced how much tove has changed during this year? she has finally understood what means most in her life and it's not me, it's not the family.. it's you and your baby girl.". He looked at me and said "You mean most to her, we both know that... and of course I know she has changed, just like you have but still.". I hit his arm and said "No, you adn your baby means most to her, she would chose you over me any day of the week, and that is something we both know. yeah, both of us has changed and your and toves relationship has changed to. She loves you now mor then she ever have and she would never leave you or anything like that.". He said "I don't know... maybe she would but she would never leave you. I hope you're right because I love her so much.". I said "Yes she would... she would go anywhere with you, with or without me, it wouldn't matter. I am right, I'm always right so listen to me and go and talk to her.". He smiled alittle and said "Fine I'll talk to her." I smiled and said "Good! and hear her out before you get mad okay?". He smiled and nodded and then he kissed my cheek adn said"Thank you Madde. You are a good friend and I love you.". I smiled and said "No problem. I love you too Jensen.". In was just about to roll out of bed when he took a hold of my arm and pulled me back and said "How are you then?". I said "This talk wasn't about me, it was about you and tove.". He sighed and said "I don't care, we were done talking about tove ane me so now I want to talk about you. Are you okay? I can tell that something is bothering you.". I sighed and said "I'm just worried that Jared will leave me... I just wish that I could stop having these feelings about Nicky becuase they are driving me mad and all I do is hurt Jared.". I laid down on my back and he laid on his side and looked at me with sweet and careing eyes and said "I know Madde, but just take it slow and tell jared how you feel about him and I can see how hard you are trying but it's hard I bet.". I sighed and said "I am taking it slow but maybe that is the problem... maybe we are taking it to slow so that we don't have any excitment and we won't get anywhere... I am trying, so hard and I wish it would be easier then it is..". He stroke my cheek and said "talk to jared about that and see where it goes but don't hurt jared... I wish it would be easier for you too..". I took his hand and siad "I won't... or I'll try to not hurt him becuase I hate hurting him. thanks Jensen.". He smiled and said "I trust you and I love you and so does jared.". I smiled and kissed his hand in mine and said "I love you too. Now go and talk to your girlfriend.". He smiled and kissed my forehead and said "Thanks." adn left the room. I just stayed in the bed and thought for a while.

After a while I went downstairs again and found Jared and Johan in the livingroom. I smiled when I saw Jared and walked over to him and kissed him and cuddled up with him and he siad "You talked to jensen?". I nodded and said "They are talking now... I just hope they'll come down those stairs hand in hand and be happy again.". He kissed my cheek adn said "me too." and then we just cuddeled up closer. Johan asked if we wanted to watch a movie so we nodded and he put on "Jumper". It was pretty good but unfortunally there isn't any hot guys in it but I had one lying next to me with his arms around me which was really nice. then we watched another movie "Step up" which is really good and Channing Tatum is just soooo hot!! :D

Anyway after those two movies Johan went to the kitchen to make dinner and then he told us to call sara and niklas, zara and nicky and the kids so they can come here and eat dinner. I first called Niklas and he said "Heya sis!!" I smiled and said "Hey bro! How are you.". He laughed and said "I'm just fine honey, how are you.". I smiled and said "Good, I could be better but I'm okay. So Johan asked me to give you and sara a call becuase we want you to come over for dinner.". He said "Alright, well in that case when should we be over?". I smiled and said "Good, be over around 6.". He siad "Okay sounds good, gotta tell sara that and then get ready. See you later sis. love you.". I smiled and said "Do that. I love you too bro." then we hung up and I dialed Nickys number and after just a few tones he picked up and said "Madde?". I said "Yeah it's me. Sorry about this morning, I was kind of busy.". He said "It's okay don't worry about it honey. How are you?" I said "I'm okay... you?". he siad"I'm just fine." I smiled and siad "Good, so why don't you bring zara and the kids with you over here for dinner tonight?". He said "Sounds great! I bet they would love to come. But hey, when are we going to take the bike out for a spin?". I bit my lip and said "I don't know nicky..." and he siad "Madde what's going on? it feels like you are avoiding me?". I sighed and said "no, I'm not avoiding you. wait one sec.". I held my hand over the resiver and turned to Jared and said "I have to talk to nicky... is that okay or..." he interrupted me and said "Of course it's okay, don't worry. I still want you to be friends, I'm sticking to that. Go and talk to him.". I smiled and kissed him and then I walked upstairs and sat down on my bed and said to Nicky "Like I said nicky, I'm not avoiding you. But I have talked to Jared and he is really hurt by the fact that I have so strong feelings about you.". He said "Oh I see... But I tought that he wanted us to be friends...". I said "Yes he still does but I hate to hurt jared and I really love him. But I love you too..". He said "I know you do and I understand. I love you too honey.". I bit my lip and said "Yesterday it felt like you don't love me anymore. I mean that is good I guess.". He said "What? Honey how can you even think that? I do love you so much and sweety I think about you every day, I really do becuase I worry about you and I care so much about you and I miss you.". I said "Yeha?" he siad "How can you doubt that? I've cared about you so much since the first time I met you and I still love you so much even though I shouldn't.". I said "You know... Gillian actually told me that you care alot about me even then... I love you too even though I shouldn't and to be honest with you, I hate it.". He was quiet for a while and then he siad "When did she tell you that? But it's true, I've always had a weak spot for you ever since the first time I met you. You hate loving me?". I said "When I was in sligo with shane and I left you here with Kian... I know, she told me. Yeah I do... sorry. I hate it becuase I can't be with you and I want to love Jared the way i love you and I'm so sick of fighting and crying so.. yeha I hate it.". He said "I see. I'm sorry that I'm standing in your way of loving someone else... And I'm so sorry that I make you cry.". I said "I didn't mean it like that Nicky. It's okay... You know I can't blame you because you haven't done anything. It's my own fault and I shouldn't have gotten so jealous yesterday.". Nicky said "It's alright, don't worry. Why did you get jealous yesterday?". I sighed and said "Honey don't take this the worng way but are you stupid?" he said "Okay right now I am apparently.". I said "You told zara that she looked amazing and that it wasn't the dress that made her look gorgeous... And I was in the room...". He said "I'm sorry honey, I didn't mean to break your heart.". I said "It's okay... I think I broke Jareds heart more then you broke mine... you know what, continue to break my heart because then I hopefully will stop loveing you this way and only love you as a good friend.". He said "I can't stand hurting you...". I sighed and said "You know what... forget about my bitchiness. I'm just tired and scared and it has nothing to fdo with you... or it does but still it doesn't.". He siad "You know what, we'll see each other in like 2 hours so maybe we can talk alittle then?". I said "Yeah sure. See you then. Bye." he siad"bye." and then we hung up and I went downstairs and asked Jared if we should get ready for dinner so then we walked upstairs again.

Jared looked really good in a white shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans and I put on a black and red dress and my favourite pair of black pumps. Jared said that I looked amazing and then we walked downstairs and into the kitchen and walked in just as Johanna kissed Johan and Krisen was sitting at the table. Both of us just stared at them and then Johan just laughed and Johanna looked happy and went to her seat and I said "Okay, what's going on?". And Johanna said "Well it said "kiss the chef" on his apron so I kissed him.". I laughed and Krisen looked so angry and then Jensen and tove finally came downstairs and they looked all cuddely again and then jared said "Very well." and walked over to Johan and kissed him. All of us looked at him and then bursted out laughing and Johan just stared in shock at jared who just went to his seat. Then Johanna said "Wow I so did not see that coming! Jensen aren't you going to kiss him too?". we all turned to Jensen who stared at johanna like she was nuts and I said "Or are you a pussy?". Then he stared at me and said "I'm not a pussy!" and we all started to laugh again and then he walked pass us towards Johan and began to make out with him. All of us just stared at him and Johan looked like he was going to die or something. When he finally stopped maklin out with johan he turned to us and smiled and johan said "What the fuck! What was that!?". Jensen smiled adn said "I'm not a pussy!" and i said "Making out with Johan doesn't prove that you're not a pussy.". He didn't say anything, he just looked angry and sat down on his seat. Then we heard a knock on the door so Tove and i went to open and there was sara, niklas, zara, nicky and the kids. We gave them a hug and thn we walked back to the kitchen and as soon as sara saw johan she walked over to him and kissed him too and he just smiled and then zara kissed him too and niklas and nicky just stared at them and johan looked so pleased. Nicky said "okay? What's going on?" and Johanna said "Well, it says kiss the dhef on his apron so we kiss him. Jared and Jensen has already kissed him too.". both nicky and niklas looked at jensen and jared and I said "jensen didn't exacly kiss him, he rather snogged him.". Nicky looked at me with disbeliefe and I just nodded and then we looked at jensne but h just ignored us. then I couldn't help myself anymore so I also walked over to johan and pressed my lips against his and it was a really nice little kiss. he is a good kisser I must say. Then I just smiled and sat down next to Jared and tove said "Happy Madde?". I smiled and nodded and everyone started to laugh except Krisen but i just smiled at her and said "Tove aren't you going to kiss him?". She stared at me and said "No way!" and sat down next to Jensen. After a while the rest of the family came and joined us and then Johan began to serve the food and it was truly delicious.

We talked alot and laughed alot during dinner and Jared had one hand on my thigh all the time which was really nice but I also had Nickys eyes on me like the entire meal which was a bit uncomfortable. Anyway when we all had finished eating and we just sat there talking I said "Well now we can give johanna gift.". Tove nodded and johanna just looked at us and smiled so I got up and gave jared a kiss and walked upstairs to get the little box with the rings. When I got back to the kitchen I sat back down on my chair and said "Johanna, we really hope you'll like this gift. As soon as we saw it we just thought about you so here you go.". I reached her the box and she smiled and took it and slowly opened it and then she just started to laugh and looked at us and said "OMG!! Thank you!! they are amazing!! I love them! the best gift ever!!". Tove and I smiled and then krisen said "So what is it?!" and johanna picked up the rings and everyone began to laugh and said "That's perfect!!". Tove and I just smiled and johanna looked really happy which was a bit nuts :P hahah And then Jared said "I tought you guys said you had something speical for me and jensen too.". I smiled and said "Well we can't give hat to you yet, you'll have to wait a few days.". He looked at me with his pleading puppydogeyes but I said "Jared Padalecki, stop looking at me like that, it won't work!". He stopped and then he said to nicky "Nicky, can't you teach me the nicky-look? That alwasy works!". Nicky just laughed and said "Well it's not so ahrd just look down and slowly bring your eyes up and hold the gaze. Like this.". And of course I looked at him when he did that and my heart just skipped a beat and then I said "Nicky! stop!". And everyone started to laugh, even Jared which was nice but i hate when people laugh at me. Then zara said "I can't believe that it still get to you, I'm like immune.". I sighed and said "I hate it! I can't be immune, and he knows that so he uses it! stop!". He just smiled and then he said "Can I talk to you?". I looked at Jared and he said "sure, I'm not stopping you." then I just said "Excuse us." and pulled him with me to the hallway and pushed him against the wall and said "The truth. Are you fine with me and nicky going somewhere now to talk? you promised me to tell me if it wasn't okay.". He smiled and stroke my cheek and said "I'm okay, you go. I trust you.". I smiled and said "Thank you, I love you." then I kissed him and we walked abck to the kitchen and Jared went to his seat while I turned to Nicky and said "Shall we?". He nodded and followed me upstairs to my room.

We sat down on my bed and he said "You look lovely tonight." I smiled and said "Thanks Nico.". He carefully put his hand on mine, like he was asking if it was okay and I said "I hate that it feels like we can't touch anymore, I miss your touch... not like the sexual touch, if we ever had something like that. But just the friendly things, like this... holding your hand on mine or give a kiss on the cheek or a hug or just stroke an arm or a cheek. That's what i miss.". He said "I miss that too. Friends can touch right?" I nodded and said "But we aren't just friends... W are trying to be but I still have feelings for you and a singel touch makes my heart pump faster and the butterflies in my stomach to come alive.". He said "I feel the same... but how do you feel when jared touches you?". I smiled to the tought of Jareds hands touching me and nicky said "That good?". I blushed and said "it feels the same, my heart pumps so fast and my stomach goes nuts and it's like electricity between our skin.". He smiled slightly and said "Wellt aht's good right?" I smiled and nodded and said "to be honest with you, I feel more when he touches me then wehen you are touching me right now.". He tried to smile but it didn't work that well and he said "Great.". I stroke his cheek and said "Yeah it is. I've made up my mind nicky. I love you, I really do but I've chosen Jared and I'm going to do everything in my power to keep him and to love him as much as I have ever loved you.". He nodded but didn't say anything and I said "Nicky Byrne, you are my first true love. I have never ever felt the love i feel for you and I will never forget that, not even if I try. But now it's time for me and you to move on and do the right thing and I want to feel that love again but with jared. But can we still keep our promise to each other, that we won't leave one another, that we will always be friends no matter what and I promise you that I'm always here for you as your friend.". He stroke my cheek and said "You are absolutly right honey. I love you so much and if this is how truly feel that I'm with you 100%. I promise you that I will never leave you and that I will always be your friend and I'm here for you all the time, day and night.". I smiled and wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him and then he said "And to make it easier for both of us... what if we try and keep from hurting each other by saying stuff to either zara or jared and... maybe not... not kiss so much.". I parted from the hug and looked at him and said "I'm sorry... I... I didn't... I didn't know. It never occured to me that I hurt you when I kiss jared.". He smiled a little shy smile and said "Well... I guess I... I guess I should have told you... But yeah, it's hard for me to see you with someone else too. So do we have a deal? I won't be so... cheesy or what ever to zara and you won't be so... cuddely with jared when either of us is in the same room?". I held out my hand and he shook it and I said "deal." he smiled and said "Thanks.". I kissed his cheek and then we walked downstairs and found everyone in the livingroom insted so we joined everyone there and I sat down next to Jared but I held my hands off and just agve him a smile but I could tell that he was wonderign why I didn't hold his hand or something so i have to tell him later.

After a few hours of sitting there laughing and talking our guests said that they should leave so we said goodbye and hugged and then we all went to our rooms and jared and I walked into our room and as soon as we closed the door I put my arms around his neck and looked him in the eyes and said "I love you.". He smiled and kissed me and said "I love you too." then I sat down on the bed and told him to join me and I said "I'm sorry that i didn't like take your hand after my talk with nicky and the rest of the night. It's just that I made a deal with nicky so we can get over our feelings for each other faster. We promised each other not to make the other jealous in anyway and he is acutally jealous of you jared.". He stroke my cheek and said "He is?" I nodded and said "Yeah, I had no idea until he told me today... so are you okay with that? That we aren't so cuddely when nicky's around?". He smiled and stroke my cheek adn said "Absolutley!" I smiled and kissed him and then it knocked on the door and tove walked in. I smiled and got up and hugged her and said "I love you honey, how are you?". She smiled and said "I love you too and I'm fine. Thank you for getting jensen to come and talk to me and thank you jared for talking to me.". We smiled and said "anything for you guys." then he kissed our cheeks and said goodnight and left and I told Jared that I was going to blog so here I am now but I think I'm going to wrap this up and cuddle up next to jared and sleep. Nightie!!

Take care
Love
Madde