The break up..

Hi guys...
I can't belive she moved.. yesterday was like the worse day of my life. Even though Madde dosn't think so.
Yesterdy when I saw her down stairs in the hall with her bag and with Nico next to her I just snapped which was so wrong becasue she wadn't going to stay with him but it just looked that way. But that wasn't the worsed part... the worsed part was that Madde really was leaving. She have told me many times before that she would leave when we was fighting but she never did so I just assumed that she wouldn't now eiether. When I saw her there on the way out I could just feel my tears started to well up in my eyes but I didn't want to show it since you should know how I'm by now. So I just gave her a agngry look instead and when she left I just ran up to my room and started to cry, she looked so sad and helpless when she looked at me.

When I had calm down I walked down stairs and got an angry My running towards me and
started to hit me the hardest she could I told her to stop but she didn't listen then she said angry and crying " It's your fauilt she left everything is your fauilt!! I hate you!!" Then mum came and picked her up and hugged her and My cried, then Krisen looked at me which cring eyes and tried to give me a hug with her other arm but I just pushed her away and walked out of there, out of the front door to the stable and walked to shadow and stoped outside the box and just looked at the beautiful horse and then my tears just started to fall agian it remineded me of my birthday when she drove me down to the stable in my wheelchaire to show me Shadow I was so happy..

When I came back from the stable it was dinner so I tooka quik showe and sat down at the dinner table. It was the worse dinner ever everyone was looking at me angry like
I had killed her our something but My was the worsed she looked like she wanted to kill me, I have never seen her like that... okay Jensen didn't look angry he just looked disappointed, sad and hurt which was even worse to see that and mum didb't looked angry either she looked like she was going to start to cry again she looked over to teh empty chair and looked so sad. I have never seen my mother like that before since she hates cring as much as I do and she is torned apart. Madde sho doubted that Krisen loved her and thought of her as her own daughter for a couple a month ago dosn't need to worry beacause she do love her as her own daughter I can see that, and I know that Krisen told Madde that she was provd of her and I think that meant alot to both of them and I know Madde misses Krisen which I never thought she would do and mum misses her more then ever.
Well it wasn't only me who didn't eat something that day, I just looked down on my plait because I couldn't bare there angry eyes on me. But then Jerry said angry " This is your fauilt! You made Madde move, you are such a bitch and you should just have dead when you where sick!!" Then Jensen looked at me and then at Jerry and said " Don't say that to your sister. " I looked at Jensen and meet his eyes for a second then we both looked away then jerry said angry " Well she should then everyone would be so much better!! She should be in the ground right now!!" I could't take this anymore I felt the tears was on there way so I just stood up and walked up to my room when I closed the door I started to cry like carzy and laied down on the bed.
And I staied in my room for the rest of the night.

I picked up the phone and called Nico, he sounded suprsied that it was me. And I didn't really feel like talking so long so I just said that I was sorry for hitting him and for jump to conclusions. He excepted my apology and we hang up.

At midnight I took my computer and started to look at old picuters at me and Madde when we was happy and having fun..tears started to fall down my cheek again more and more for every picture I looked at. Then all the sudded the door opened and there was Jensen he stopped in the doorway when he say I was there then he said carefully " Sorry.. I thougt you where in the guestroom, I will leave.. " I dryed the tears away with my hand and said " No, please stay? " Jensen looked at me and said " Are you sure?" I nooded and he closed the door behind him and just stood there. I put away the compure next to me and sat up on the side of the bed. We was quit for a few seconds then Jensen said carefully " I'm sorry for calling you an idoit" I said " You have nothing to be sorry for I'm an idoit and everything is my fauilt again.. Of course you should have your own oppinens it just that... I'm an asshole who can't hand that and I love that you and Madde are freinds and that you two talk it's just that I thougt you had the wrong opntions... but of course you should be abel to say what you think. " Jensen said " Everything isn't your fauilt I should of told you face to face instead of letting Madde tell you on the blogg, I'm sorry.. " I said " Yeah...well I have been thinking... and maybe we are not suppose to be toghter.. I mean all I do is making your life a living hell and all you do is get hurt and miserble.. so maybe we should.. I can't belive I'm acutally saing this...well maybe we should break up for good so ou can find yourself a girlfreind you desvre.. " I could feel my tears started to pour down my cheeks and Jensen walked towards me and sat down next to me and I looked at his face and saw that he was also crying then he said " You can't do this? Are you breaking up with me just because you don't desrve me and beacsue I'm hurt? " I started to cry even more and I could't say anything so i just nooded. His tears started to fall faster and faster down his cheeks and he said witha crying voice " I love you don't you know that?! I don't want another woman I want you and I want to be with you the rest of my life I can't be without you! I can't take that I need you by myside everyday and every minut you are my soul and heart! Do you remebre that story I told you teh other day about the first time I saw you and that I just had eyes on you when you had 20 other people around me and all I saw was you and I couldn't let my eyes from you. And if you don't think we are soulmates I don't know what that was, before that I have never belived in love at the first sight but you just got drawen to me. After that moment all I see is you I never wanted someone else. when I close my eyes there you are, when I daydream there you are, on my cell as bakground there you are, infront of me there you are and in my heart you will always be. So don't do this! I love
you! Don't you love me?! And of course we are meant for each other!" His cheeks was filled with tears running down and so was mine I cryed " I love you too and I need you and I can't be without you ever!! Please forgive me for doubting you!" I cryied even more and so die he, he just throw his hands around my neack and pulled me closer and huged me hard I pressed my armds around him to and hugged him back and I cried " Do you forgive me?" He said " Of course I do honey" he kissed my cheek and then my lips and it feelt so good to know he would help me throw this with Madde.
We let go of the hug and I took his head between my hands and looked him into the eyes and said " I love you and I always will and thanks for standing up for me with Jerry" He smiled and said " I love you too! No problem he should never say like that even though he is angry and he didn't mean it you know that right? " I said " I know... " Jensen look away my hands with his and lead over and give me a great kiss and I never wanted it to end because everything feelt so much better then. When he let go he dryed his tears away with his hands and then he did the same to me. Then he layied down in the bed and look my hand and pulled me down next to him and he asked what I was doing on the computere and I picked it up and put it on my lap and laied down again and showed him the picters it was from when we was like 4 till now, and we looked so happy and I just feelt the tears started to ran again and Jensen strok my cheek with his hand and then he kissed me and my head and told me that everything would be okay.
He took my right hand and strok it intill he realized that I didn't have the red ring on which I always dose otherwise, I todl him that was just because I was going to break up with him and it feelt wrong to wear it. Then I pulled out a box who was next to the bed and pulled out the ring and was just going to put it on my right hand when Jensen put his hand on my left hand and said " Let me do it" He smiled and slide it gently over my finger intill it was there it should be. Then he gave me a kiss and we countine waching the pictures for a few hours, then we undressed and got into bed and I layed down my head on his cheast and strok his amazing chest. Then he said " I just have to know.. did Henrik sleep with you yesterday? " I said " No he didn't " Jensen said " I do understand your point in all this because I would hate if you just sleepd in the same bed as him or some other dude, so I agree that is wrong and the kissing, but please try to take it easy with Madde " Good then you know how I think. And I will try" Jensen kissed me an strok my back.

After a while Jensen fell alsleep and I picked up my computer again and started to read Maddes inlay and my tears just started to fall again so horrible... I picked up my cell and I had deal the number to her but I couldn't hit the deal button, I think I did that at least 20 times but I couldn't. I don't think she even wants to pick up if it's even me, I doubt that but maybe..
Well when I had been layin the bed for a few hours I took a glare at the clock which was 3 n the morning and I was still crying then I got up and put on a pair of jeans and a top and was just on my way thrwo the door when Jensen said sleepy " Where are you going?" I said " Go back to sleep don't worry" He did as I said and I walked outside and thrwo the front door towards mums car and it was freezing cold outside and the car was cold as hell to even though hell isn't cold, and it took a while to get teh heat up, so I was really cold before I was outside Niklas house. I sat in the cold car for a few minust befoer I got the courage to go there. I knocked on the front door and after a while a sleepy Niklas opend the door and I asked him " Can I talk to her?" He said " I don't know ask her" he showed me the way to her room and then he went to bed.
I kncoked on the door but she didn't asnwer so I opend carefully and I could hear that she was crying really bad, she was laying on her side towards the widow and away from me, she didn't evn look at me. I feelt so bad and then my tears started to fall down my cheeks too. I walked over to the bed she was lying on and lie down next to her on my side and pressed my stomach into her back so she should feel I was there then I put my arm around her and kissed her shoulder. She stoped crying for a second and turned around to look at me then she started to cry again and she said " I thought it was Niklas who laied down next to me but the weirdest thing was that it smelled like you but I thought that can't be possibel.. " My tears started to fall faster to and I said " Do you want me do leave? " She said " No" Then she turned back against the window. I said " Madde please come home. Mum needs you at home, My needs you, Jess everybody and I need you at home " She said " You do? " I said " Yes I do. I'm so sorry I didn't mean what I said, I will always love you even thought you are here our anywhere my love will never go away I can't belive I said that.. And I'm sorry for not telling you right the way that I wanted you to stay, but you know how I'm and I'm really sorry for evrything I can't belive I have treaten like this I have been such a bitch while I should just have been there for you and helped you instead because I know you don't like this either.. honey I'm so sorry. Please move home!" I cried even more and so did Madde she sat up at looked at me and I just throw my arms around her neck and hugged her and she did the same and we just cried our eyes out. When we had calm down alittle it was almost light outside and in the room and I could see she had put up the picture she had found of us on her night table next to her I looked at it and then I looked at Madde and said " are you coming home? " She said " I need to think about it okay? " I said sad " I'm sory I know it was the worse apology ever, I'm sorry!! " Madde dryed away a tear with his hand on my cheek and she said " I know you suck at them so that no news " Then she gave me a little smile which feelt so much better I smiled back and then I laied down on the bed and Madde laied her head on my cheast and I strok her hair with hy hand. Then she asked " So how is it going with you and Jensen?" I said " It's good again we are acutally going out on the date on Thursday, I'm alittle nervous acuattly" Madde lifted up her head and smiled and said " Great why are you nervous? It's not like it's your first date" I laughted alittle and said " I know, and I have no idea why I'm nervous it just feels like I should be, weird " Madde laughted and said " Yes you are weird. So what are you two lovebirds doing then? " I laughted and said " I know I'm but that's me. And I have no idea, which Jensen you never know what to expect but it will probably be great " Madde smiled and said " Yes it is and I love you even thuogh you are weird. Do you know how lucky you are to have a guy like him who loves you over the moon " I said " I love you too honey! And yeah I know he is amazing I know that and all I do is hurt him and messing his life up but still he is by myside " Maded said " Stop hurting him and show how special he is for you instead, becasue I can seem how happy you are when you are spending time with him and you look happy when you just say his name, I have never seen you like this before. And I'm really happy for you guys. " I smiled and said " You are right I will try to show him that. Yes I have never feelt like this for someone before " Madde smiled and kissed my cheek and then we talked a while longer then Madde fall asleep and after an hour or so I also fell a sleep but after two hours my cell rang and woke us up. It was Jensen who asked where I was I said " I'm at Niklas which Madde" Jensen said " Oh sorry I didn't mean to inturruped and tell her that I miss her" I smiled and said " Don't worry about it, and I will do that. " We hand up and Madde asked sleepy " Who was it? " I said " It was Jensen, and he told me that I would tell you that he misses you " Madde smiled and said " He is so sweeit and I have to say that I miss everyone to even Krisen, I acutally misses her almost the most, which is weird I never thought that " I said " You do? well tell her that it would make her day. " Then I looked at the clock and saw it was 9 so we walked up and meet Niklas in the kitchen he didn't ask so much about our nigt he asked what we wanted for breakfast I just took a cup of coffie and then I told them that shoudl be leaveing. Madde stood up and a tear run down her cheek I gave her a hug and said " If you desided to move back home, then call me I will be here in 10 minuts helping you pack so i hope you do. Love you honey you can call me when ever you want and I need your help to my date which clothes and so on " Madde just nooded and started to cry more. I kisser her on her forehead and said goodbye to Niklas and left.

When I came hom ethis morning Jensen was still laying in the bed he smiled when he saw me. I unbuttom my jeans and pulled them of and crawled down next to him. He kissed me and asked if I was okay and I told him what had happend. Then we just laied there cuddeling for hours beacsue I didn't really feel like going down stairs since everyone was angry at me. So we didn't go down to the breakfast. I just laied there on his naked cheast and talked. When the time had reached 2 a clock in the day it knoceked on the door and mum walked inside. She saw us laienig in the bed then she said " Oh sorry... I didn't mean to disturb " She looked so sad and
helpless so I said " Don't worry mum, we are just talking " She looked at me when I called her mum because I useally just call her Krisen. Jensen walked up from the bed and started to get dressed then he said " I let you two talk " Then he gave me a kiss and left.
Mum just stood there by the door, I have never seen her like this before it lookes like Madde had died or something. I walked up from the bed and walked towards her and stoped infront of her and she just looke down I put my arms around her and hugged her, I could hear that she started to cry I strok her head while I hugged her and I said " I love you mum" She sobed and said " You do? " I said " Of course I do, how can I not love you? you are my mother who had alwasys been there for me when I needed you and when I didn't" She said " Well all I do is be in your way and irratating you and making everything a hell and I was even worse to Madde, so I do understand if she don't want to come back again" I said " Yes you do but that is you and it's kind of good acutally and even though you dose I still love you and always will. And if Madde dosn't move back that is nothing to do with you just me, because I know she loves you even though she never tells you and you are her mother too she wouldn't be the person she is if you wouldn't helped her. call her" Mum said " I hope she dose and maybe I should call her don't you think she would just think I'm a pain in the ass and get angry? " I said " No not at all, I know she wants to talk to you" Krisen said " Yeah.. I have to say Tove you have growen up to be a such a amazing woman, and I love you and I'm so proved of you " I smiled and said " Yeah well all that is just because you have made me that way " She kissed my cheek and said " Thank you for making me feel better" I said " Don't worry about it. And I have to tell you that this is the first time I have seen you cry ever" Mum laughted and said " Yeah well I hate crying " I laughted and said " So do I, you know I'm kind of alike you in many ways" She smiled and said " We should talk like thsi more often, and if Madde wants to come home then we three should try to do something togheter " I smiled and said " Yes absolutely I love this. And you are right we should" Then she gave me a another hug and let go and walked out of there.
It was great talking to her it was along time we talked liek this.

Well the rest of the day I haven't done that much. I have mostly hanged out with Jensen and waitineg by the phone for Madde to call but she still hasn't called which makes me sad... I just hope he will call and want to come home I can't live without her! So honey call me and tell me that you want to come home now, plz I can't take thsi pain anymore I want you here next to me. I'm so sorry baby, I am! I miss you and live you, so plz call!

Well what more can I tell you.. I don't know.. nothing I should just wrapped this up and pray that madde will call..
You will hear from her tomorrow and hopefully she will be at home..
Kisses
Tove