Bye, I'm going to miss you!

Hey y'all

Well if my last inlay was a good one then this one is not... I'm not on the best mood today becuase Nicky left for China this morning and he isn't coming home untill Tuesday the 21th of July... I'm going to miss him so much! But Tove and i are going to work on our relationship and I suppose to make the time go faster I have to party and keep myself busy... :P

I'm not the easiest person in the world to wake up but this morning I got a really pleasant awakening. I was sleeping alone in my big bed and I suppose I felt that someone sat down on it but i didn't really think to much about it. I was sleeping.. :P Anyway, after a few mintues and I was almost passed out again I felt someone press their lips against my forehead, and I knew exacly who it was. I know exacly who those wonderful lips belongs to so I slowly opened my eyes and saw into Nickys gorgoeus smiling face. He said "Good morning beautiful." I smiled at him and said "Hey you.". He laied down next to me and I crawled closer and put my head on his chest. He stroke my hair and after a few minutes he said "Get dressed so we can take a walk.". I looked up at him and touched his faces with my fingertips, then i did as he said. I got up and put some more clothes on and then I walked back to the bed and pulled him up on his feet. He smiled and siad "I don't think you have even been so fast out of the bed before." I laught alittle and said "Yeah well, it's not everyday the mst orgeous guy in the universe tells you to get dressed and take a walk... + you are leaving soon and I want to spend time with you.". He stroke my arm and we walked out of the room. The house was completely quiet because no one was awake. The clock was just 6 so we sneaked out and closed the door behind us carefully.

It was alittle cold outside because the sun wasn't shining, it was hiding behind huge clouds. We walked the same way we always do but this time we didn't say anything... we just walked and walked but after a while I just had to ask how things was at home. He just said "Well, the atmosphare isn't the best but it's better then the last few days. Zara wasn't so happy that I was coming here today to say goodbye to you but I just couldn't leave with out seeing you one last time." I smiled and said "That's good, I'm glad that things are starting to get better. And thank you for coming over, I would have missed you like crazy if you hadn't. You know, Zara got angry with me because i got angry with her for hurting you. She thinks that it's none of my business." He stopped and looked at me and said "Of course, I would have missed you like crazy if I didn't get to see you one last time bofore we leave. So that was why she was angry last night and walked up to Tove at once... You don't have to get angry at her for that, I've been thinking and I think she is right even thought she just said it out of anger." I couldn't believe my ears and I hit his arm as hard as I could, he let out an "OW!" and i just looked at him really angry. He looked confused and said "What the hell did you do that for?!" I said to him "How many times do i ahve to tell you that it wasn't your fault!!? You are drving me crazy with all this." I sighed to calm myslef down and looked him in the eyes and said "I'm sorry. It's just... none of this is your fault, or atleast not anything that has hurt me and especially not me cutting myself. You have said it yourself, you would never hurt me. So why do you believe Zara when she says that?" He sighed and said "It's okay honey. Well, no I would never hurt you because i hate to see you hurt but you wouldn't have to go through so much shit if i wasn't around.". I just said "Nicky, I would NEVER have been able to go through all this without you. You have been my rock through everything, everytime Tove has been in the hospital you have been there for me, making sure i was okay. Remember last time we took a walk, we made a deal didn't we?" He smiled and said "Yeah we made a deal, we wouldn't leave each other." I said "Good you do remember, well let's make another deal. We will never blame ourselfs for something that has happened to the other person, unless it actually is our fault.". He smiled and I held out my hand. He nodded and shook it and siad "Fine, it wasn't my fault." I smiled and siad "No it wasn't, without you it would have been worse.". We continued to walk and then he asked what I was going to do whn he was gone, I said "Well i'm going to hang out with Tove, she is going to get sick of me. We are going to try and fix things between us. And then i guess we are going to go to the club and party alittle... I don't know, we'll see." He said "I'm glad to hear that you are going to work thins out. haha I doubt she can ever get sick of you, I know that i can't. Just don't get yourself in troubble." I smiled at him and said "Aww, you are so sweet. Don't worry about me, I can take care of myself. You should know that." He laught and said "yeah I know, you have a mean right hook." while saying that he gave me a wink and yet again i laught at him.

When we got back home we had been out walking for about 2 hour becuase the clock showed 8.00. Krisen, Johan and My was sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast and they got really surprised when we walked in. johan said "Wow you guys are up early." we just laught and Nico said "Yeah well, I just wanted to say goodbye to Madde before i leave for China in two hours.". Then all of the sudden My runs towards us and runs straight into Nickys legs and hugged them. All of us got really surprised and the My looked up at him and said "Why do you have to leave? I like it when you are here. You are so funny to play with." Nicky smiled and bent down and picked her up and she gave him a proper hug and he said "I have to go with Zara and the kids, it's important. Thank you sweety, I love being here too and I love to play with you. You know what, when i get back I'll play with you as much as I can. What do you say about that?" My gave him a huge smile and said "YAY!!! I can't wait!! When are you coming back??" Nicky thought about it for a second and then he said "I'm coming back in about 2 weeks.". My looked sad at once and said "That is so long!". nicky, Krisen, Johan and I laught and I said "You know what, you and me can count the days together if you want to. We can make a calendar and cross over everyday that goes by.". Again she smiled and said "Yeah I want to do that! Can we do it now?!" Nicky looked at me and I looked back and then i said to her "You know what, can we do it in a few hours? I want to spend some time with Nico before he leaves and then you and i can go up to your room and paint. What do you say?" My smiled and siad "okay." then she got dead serious and looked at nicky and said "You will come down and say goodbye to me before you leave right?" nico smiled and said "Of course i will sweetheart, I promis.". My gave him another hug and then he sat her back down on the floor, took my hand and we walked upstairs to my room.

There we talked for a great while and when the clock turned 9 he had to leave. He stroke my cheek and kissed my forehead and said "I'm going to miss you. Take care of yourself and don't do anything stupid." I smiled and wrapped my arms around his waist and he wrapped his arms around me and pressed his lips on my head. While he was holding me I said "I'm going to miss you too. I promis I won't if you promis you won't." He said "I promis." Then I said "Can you promis to call me as soon as you land also so that i know you get there safe and sound? You know i hate flying and to know that you are on a flight makes me really nervous." He smiled and kissed my head and said "I promis, don't worry I'll be fine.". Then we walked down stairs and he said goodbye to My as he had promised and then he did the same with Krisen, Johan, Jensen, Jared and Tove who had woken up aswell. At the door he turned to me again and gave me one last hug and a kiss on the cheek and siad "Bye, see ya soon. Miss you already." I gave him a sad smile and said "I miss you too. Byebye." Then he opened the door and left.

I kmow that i'm going to miss him so much but I so thankful that i have Tove and that she is home now so i have someone to talk to. And I have Jensen too if i need to talk, he is an amazing guy. I guess I'm going to have to do as much as possible these days Nico is gone so that I have something else on my mind. I hope it's not going to be so hard but we'll see.

Well if the atmosphare isn't good in the Byrne household it's definitely ot good here because now it's not just jared and I who ahs pissed Krisen off, Tove and Jensen is on the warpath with her aswell. I must say I'm kind of happy for that because Krisen has a problem with being angry at alot of people at the same time so she isn't as angry with me and Jared anymore but she is soooo angry with Tove that it's crazy!!

When Nico had left I joined Jensen, Jared and Tove in the livingroom. We sat there talking for a while and then Jared just had to bring up the other day. Tove and Jared was sitting there laughing but Jensen looked like he just wanted to forget everything and I must say i feel alittle sorry for him. I asked him if I could talk to him and he just nodded and we walked up to my room. He sat down on my bed and asked what i wanted, I sat down next to him and said "Are you okay?" he looked a little confused and said "yeah, i'm alright. why?" I said "Well, what happened yesterday, it's not really you is it?". He looked down on the floor and said "I don't think I've ever been so embarrassed in my life! But the thing is i do sex scens on screen but that is like nothing compared to what happen yesterday." I stroke his arm and said "I know,but you know you didn't have to do it. If you ask me, Tove went to far but youcould have told her off you know. She loves you more then anything.". He looked me in the eyes and said "yeah I know, but I know that Tove thinks it's fun to do it outside and it gives her a sence of adventure. And maybe that was why she cheated on me, I wasn't exciting enough for her." I shook my head and said " No Jensen that is not why. She just did a horrible mistake and I thought you had left that behind you. Look, you know how much me and Tove talk about sex and things and well everytime it comes up and we talk about you and her she is so excited and happy. She loves you so much and I know that the last thing she wants to do is to hurt you again. If you don't want to have sex in public you don't have to but make sure Tove understands... Sometimes she can be alittle thick-headed". He smiled and laught alittle and siad "Thanks Madde. I love her too, more then I thought was possible. I'll make sure to do that." I said "No problem, like I said before, I'm here for you whenever.". He siad "Thanks, I'm here for you too." and then he gave me a hug and got up to leave. Before he closed the door I said "Oh and Jensen. You so do have the biggest" he stopped and looked at me and I smiled at him. He just smiled and shook his head and closed the door behind him.

I got a surprise phonecall today aswell, Johnny called me. I was so not expecting it so when I heard his voice i just melted. I always do that when i hear his wounderful voice. He asked me how I was doing and I said that I was okay. We talked for a while and then i asked him if he wanted to come to the cottage this summer. He said "Of course, I'd love to! but you don't think it'll we wierd?" I just laught and said "No Johnny I want you to come. And Tove isn't angry with you anymore and I bet she is going to be happy to see you too." he siad "okay, good. How is she btw? I heard about the second transplant." I told him that she was okay and at home and that Jensen and her was so happy and together. He said that he was happy to hear that and then he said "So have you heard something from Jared then?". I said "Yeah well he is here. He has been here for the last couple of weeks so.". I heard Johnny get abit surpirsed and then he said "Oh, okay. That's good, it's goin to be great seeing him again too. Send my love to them all will ya?" I just said "of course.". Then he asked if Jared and I were together again but i just said "No we're not, we are just friends and we are happy with that.". He said "okay. So you are still singel or what?". I didn't really like where our conversation was heading but i can't lie to him so i just said that I was singel. He asked if I didn't have anyone that is abit closer and I said that my lovelife was alittle bit complicated right now. He just said "oh, i see." then I changed the subject and we talked for about another hour. It's going to be nice to see Johnny again but I don't think I want him back in my life as more as a friend. It's not that i don't miss him because I do but it's just that I think in a way I have a harder time forgiving him for the things that has happened then i am with forgiving Jared. It might be because i was together with Johnny for so long and that he was just so amazing and wounderful and romantic, and then everything happened and he broke my heart. He broke it much worse then Jared ever did and I think I'm still trying to fix it. Well i guess we will just have to wait and see what will happen in the cottage later this summer.

Tove came up to my room when i just hung up on Johnny, she asked me who i was talking to and I told her who it was and told her what he wanted. She didn' really like the fact that he was asking so many questions about my lovelife so i guess she is still not really over what he did to me. She sat down on my bed and I just had to say something so I said "Tove i'm so sorry about the other day! I didn't mean to yella t you and I know that you hate to see me hurt and it was really really worng of me to say that you would be happy if nico and I fought.". Sh just told me to calm down and the she said "It's okay madde. I forgive you but I don't want you to think that I'm ahppy if you and nicky fight. I know how much he means to you and I don't want the two of you to fight. i just want you to try and stay away from one another for awhile.". I felt the tears well up in my eyes and cursed myself for not being able tot alk about this without crying, I said "I know, I'm sorry. But I can't stay away from him as much as you want to. I think I have done a pretty good job so far, we havn't hung out so much latly ahve we? And now I'm not going to see him in weeks.". Tove said "i have noticed that you can't stay away and he seems to feel the same even if he shouldn't because of his fiancé. Yeah you have done a good job staying away from each other, you aren't spend as much time together as you did before but I'm worried about you. I don't think I've ever seen you so head over heels for someone before and why did it have to be Nicky. He is already taken.". The tears started to slowly run down my face and I said sobbingly "i know he shouldn't but it's not so easy!. You don't have to worry about me, I'm okay. I know, and I hate it. I hate it so much and believe me I have tried to make these feelings go away but they won't. And it won't matter if i stay away from him either because we are going to see each other at sometime and then evrything will come back!". The tears started to run faster and I threw myself around Toves neck and she stroke my hair and back trying to calm me down. She said "It's okay honey. I know... But if you are okay then why are you crying?" I sat back up and stroke the tears away and said "beucase I know how much you hate that i love him and I hate to hurt you and I can't seem to stop and.... everything is just so crappy right now!" She said "You don't have to worry about me, I'm fine. i'm worried about you. I know it is but we will get throught this and well it's going to be fine again." I said "yeah i sure hope so.". Then we started to talk about alot of other stuff but i guess we will have a talk simular to this some other day to... we have to fix this now.

After dinner I asked My if she was ready to paint alittle and she got so happy and ran up to her room and fetchd her crayons and paper and then we sat down and drew a calander. It was actually pretty funny to sit there with My and paint, it took my thoughts away for awhile.

Well now I'm going to get ready and wait for Dennis, he is coming over tonight! :D Can't wait to see that gorgoues man again and feel him inside of me! Oh I'm getting all worked up just thinking about it!! See ya!

Take care
Love
Madde