Leaving...

Yeah that's right. I'm leaving... I have talked to my brother and asked if I can stay with him and he said that it was okay. I'm glad that Sara isn't in Sweden so she won't be spending so much time with niklas which means he has more time for me and we can talk and it can be like when we still lived at home with dad. Well let me tell you about today....

I didn't sleep much at all today because I was so angry but mostly just sad because of how things have turned out. I can't believe things have gotten to this, Tove and I used to be the best friends that you could ever find. We used to share everything and tell each other everything but now things are just a mess. We both agreed that everything started when Tove got cancer again and we didn't tell each other everything because we didn't want to worry the other person but unfortunally we continued with that even after she got back from the hospital. I miss it so much and I just want everything to go back to normal, I can even go back to last time we fought because that wasn't as bad as this. She wrote in her inlay that she missed it to but that it happened along time ago in a different life and that it's not worth talking about, I don't get that... I mean she isn't even willing to try anymore? I told her that but then she just comes with "You are blind!" but what the fuck do you want me to do?! I won't ask you to accept Nico but I just want you to help me insted of just making it worse!! But you aren't helping, you just work against me and that isn't helpful! I told her that i was tired of this and that I was going to leave and what do you think she does!? She says that she is fine with it and happy about it but then she tries to make me feel guilt because then she says that other people will be hurt more if I leave, like My, Krisen, Emil and Jess. I don't get it!! if you want me to stay then tell me that!!! insted you just push me away more and more!! I hate this!!! I can't take it anymore but i don't know what to do anymore, it doesn't really feel like moving will change anything but I guess it's something I have to try because things can hardly get worse right?...

Anyway, when I got up this morning I walked downstairs and found Krisen in the kitchen. i gave her a hug and she looked so surprised and asked what was wrong so i said "Thank you so much for everything you have done for me. You saved me and i owe you my life but i can't take this anymore, I'm moving to Niklas.". Kristina flew out of her chair and gave me another hug and my tears you poured down my cheeks and she asked why so I said "All I do is mess things up and now mine and Toves relationship is totally destroyed and I don't know what to do to fix it so I'm going. Maybe that is what we need, time apart.". She tried to stroke my tears away but they just kept coming and she said "I have noticed that things aren't as they used to but maybe you guys should try and work this out at home?" I sighed and sat down and said "Yeah well we have tried... But nothing helps and i'm so sick of it. I miss her so much, I miss the times we didn't fight and now this fight between us are starting to mess up Tove and Jensens relationship to and I can't take that. Jensen would be so hurt he wouldn't get through it and Tove needs him... I don't care if Tove says i'm running away from this, I'm not. I'm going for her sake, so she can stay here and be with her boyfriend, and I'll stay away from him too.". Krisen stroke my hair and siad "Well, you are a grown woman and if this is what you feel is for the best then I'm not going to stop you but I want you to know that the door to this house is always open for you no matter what. You are my doughter and i'm so proud of you and I love you so much. Don't forget that.". I stood up and gave her another hug then we heard a little voice behind us and My said "Why are you crying?" Both Krisen and I dryed our tears and looked at her and Krisen said "My sweetheart, Madde is going away for a while but everything is okay." My looked at me with sad eyes and asked why and I sat down and gave her a hug and said "Because thing have gotten so messy between me and Tove that i need to go away for awhile. But don't be angry with either of us, please. I love you kiddo.". She nodded and siad "I love you too sis. I'm going to miss you." I kissed her forehead and stood up and said that i was going to go and pack.

When I got upstairs I saw Tove walk into the bathroom but I quickly walked into my room and closed the door behind me. I felt the tears build up again when i picked out my red and black bag and started to shove clothes and stuff into it. The all of th sudden I heard a knock on the door and Jared walked in. He asked me what i was doing and the tears I ahd been fighting back just poured down my cheeks and I ran into his strong arms. He hugged me and tried to comfort me and aksed again what i was doing. I told him and he said "No madde, come on it can't be that bad. You'll work this out." I shook my head and let go of him and continued with packing and said "I don't know. But i know I can't take one more day with her looking at me with those loathing eyes. If we are going to fix this maybe we need to be apart for awhile.". He took my arm and pulled me down on the bed and said "I know she is angry now and I can tell that things are pretty bad. But are you sure you can be apart form her?" I got up and yelled "NO!!! I can't but i have too!!! Why the hell do you think I'm crying for!!!! Leaving this house, leaving Tove feels like I'm ripping my soul out and leaving it behind. I can't take it but for Jensen and her sake I have to!". He stood up and tried to hug me but I just told him to leave so i could continue to pack. He did as i asked but I couldn't continue to pack. I just threw myslef on the bed and cried. Why do things have to be so fucking hard all the time!? God, I just want to disappear from the face of the earth, everyone would be better off.

When I was lying there crying I heard another knock on the door but I didn't bother answering but the door opened anyway and then i felt a pair of arms pulling me up from the bed so they could hold me close. I just laid there crying for awhile but then I got up and Nico looked so scared and confused and sad, he said "Honey, what happend?" I looked him in the eyes and the tears just fell even faster and I said "Why Nico? Why did you have to tell Tove that you are falling for me? You can't!! You have Zara!!" He stood up and said "I couldn't lie to her and I can't lie to myself anymore.". i felt that i got angry with him and I hit him hard on the arm and said "God Nicky byrne you can be so stupid sometimes!!! You can't fall in love with me!! We were going to fix this and not make it worse!!!". He looked so sad and I could tell he was fighting back tears to but I was done fighting mine back, I just let them por down my face like waterfalls. He said "I'm so sorry! I really am! What do you want me to do? I'll do anything for you, you know that.". I looked at him and said "I don't know, deny your love for me and go out of this room so i can continue packing.". But he didn't move an inch, he looked from me to the bag and then back to me and a single tear fell down his cheek. "You're leaving?". Once more I had broken his heart and with his mine was just torn to peices and ripped out of my body. I siad "Yes, I'm moving in with niklas. I'm doing this for Tove. I'm sorry." He shook his head and stepped closer and grabed my arms and siad "No! We promised each other". I looked him in the eyes and stroke his cheek and said "I know, I won't leave you nicky. But maybe we should do as Tove adn Zara askes... stay away frrom each toher alittle. I love you, you know that and staying away from you is killing me but I can't take destroying Tove and Zaras lives.". Another tears left nicos eyes and he said "Maybe... what if we just take a walk every other day? that is cutting it down alot if you ask me. They can't expect us to just cut off completley, then they'll see that they won't have the Nicky and Madde they love at home, they will have living dead people. I love you too, but I guess you're right.". more tears fell down his cheeks and I wrapped my arms around him and we stood there holding each other for awhile. I said "Well hopefully they'll see that but you never know. maybe they're fine with us being miserable." he said "let's hope they don't, what kind of people would that make them." I just nodded and burried my face in his chest and breathed in his scent. I love that, he smells so good and everything about him makes me feel safe and taken-care-of. He kissed my forehead and asked if i wanted him to leave but i shook my head and said "No, you can sit here and acompanie me while I pack." so he sat down on the bed and did just that.

When i was done packing I took my bags and we both walked downstairs. In the hallway we met Tove who was on her way up the stairs. She looked at the bag and then at me and Nico and yelled "I can't fucking believe you two!!! You are moving in with him after all this!?! I hate you!! You must have some fucking problem!! And especially you nicky!". And then she slapped him across the face. I just couldn't see her do that especially not now so I pushed her out of the way and said "NO! leave Nico out of this and you shouldn't jump to conclusions!". Then I told Nico taht we were leaving and then we walked out the door and closed it behind us. When i heard the door close I felt my heart break and I just wanted to run back and hug Tove and tell her that i was sorry and I even turned around but then i saw her angry face in the window and I knew she wanted me gone so I walked to the garage and took my Lambo and drove off. I drove Nico home to his place and then continued my way to Niklas appartment.

When I got there he opened the door and gave me a hug and said "You okay sis?", I hugged him back and shook my head. He took my bags and threw them into my new room and followed me into the livingroom and we sat down in the sofa. He looked at me and said "Is there anything I can do?" once again i shook my head and said "No, thank you for letting me stay here for awhile. But there isn't anything else you can do, it's my own fault and I guess I have to bare the pain.". He shook his head and said "maybe so but Tove shouldn't be such a bitch towards you. She doesn't know how hard it is to fall for the wrong person.". I shook my head again and siad "Maybe not but she doesn't understand that.". He shook his head and then changed the subject and asked if I wanted something to eat but I wasn't really hungry so I said no and walked over to my room and unpacked a few things. Then i opened a side pocket and found a picture of Tove and I from the cottage 2 years ago. We looked so close and happy, like we didn't have a worry in life. And look at us now, we are a mess... we are so close but yet so far away and I hate it. i miss her so much and to see that picture was a knife through my heart. The tears started to fall again and I thought back to the good old days. I wish we could go back and do things differently...

I had no idea how long I had been sitting there crying but all of the sudden Niklas knocked on my door and told me it was dinner. I still wasn't hungry but I followed him to the kitchen and took alittle food. He said "Sis, everything will be okay." I looked him in the eyes and said "No, it won't... Atleast it doesn't feel like that now.". After that we didn't speak at all during the whole meal and after dinner i just went back to my room and put on the computer and looked around the internet. Amongst other things Twitter, and Nico had twittered only one word "Hell". i know how he feels and I twittered back to him and wrote "I know..". Then I logged out and just laid there for a while but then my cell rang I really hoped it was Tove who called to tell me to come home but it wasn't. It was Shane Filan. He asked how i was doing and things like that and I told him everything that had happened and the tears came back. When i was done telling the story he said "Oh my god, I'm so sorry honey. God, I never thought it would come to this and I can't believe you and Tove can fight like this. How's Nicky doing then?". I said "Yeah I know.. I never thought that either, but I guess it was suppose to happen. I don't know, he is heart-broken and really sad. I don't know what he is doing, when i dropped him off he said that he was just going to stay inside for the rest of the day. I hate to see him so sad.". He said "Maybe... I have to call him, I can't stand watching him upset either, he is my best friend." I told him that he should call him because I know Nico and I know that he needs to talk to someone. So Shane and I said our goodbyes and hung up.

Niklas came into my room and asked if I wanted to watch a movie with him but I didn't really feel like it so he had to watch it himself. I can't really say that I'm up for anything right now more then to go home and for everything to be okay. I would do anything, if someone would tell me that everything would be fine again if I ate ants or killed someone I would do it, no questions asked. But I suppsoe Tove doesn't want me back. She said that she still loved me but that those feeling would disappear if she let them, so I guess I should stay away from her if that is waht she wants. Even thought it's killing me. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't just lie there and cry so i gave Jared a call. He answerd with a worried and hurt voice and I said "Hey Jar, I'm sorry for earlier today." he just said "Don't worry about it, I'm okay, you are just scared and hurt. Are you okay?". I siad "No i'm not. I'm just lying in this room crying my eyes out. But I just wanted to know how Tove is.". He sighed and said "I'm so sorry honey. Well, she has been in the stable all day and after dinner she just went up to her room and she has stayed there.". I siad "oh okay... doesn't seem like she is so sad that I'm gone. how's jensen then?" he sighed again and said "I don't know madde, she hasn't really been herself all day but I suppose she is still angry as hell. i've been spending all day with Jensen, he is a wreck because of what happened between him and Tove yesterday but at the same time he is sad becuase she said that he can't have his own oppinions and that she doesn't seem to be oaky with the two of you being such good friends, like she said she was.". I shook my head because I couldn't believe what I heard and I said "I hate it when she hurts him so much!! She says that all i do is hurt the people i love but she isn't so much better." Jared said "No she isn't better at all. All she does is hurt Jensen.". We talked for a few more minutes and then we said goodbye and hung up. I really hope Tove will forgive jensen because she should. Fine if she never forgives me but she has to forgive him. i guess I have given her so many reasons to doubt me so, but jensen has always been there for her.

Well, I've been sitting here in my room all night and all day and awhile ago niklas came in and said goodnight because he was going to bed. I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep but I suppose there are other people out there who won't be able to sleep either so i might just give them a call. Let's hope tomorrow brings happiness but somehow i doubt that.

Take care of yourself and let you friends know how much you love them and how muhc they mean to you.
Love
Madde