Trying...

Hey you guys...

Today has been... I don't even know what today has been.. I'm still at Niklas place eventhough Tove came by and asked me to come back home yesterday but I'm not sure I'm ready. It just feels like everything will go back to the way things were when i left and I can't take that anymore.

Well this morning when i woke up the apartment was empty because Niklas had gone to work but when I got to the kitchen I found a note on the table that said "Good morning sis, if you need anything just call me and I'll be there. I love you babysis.". It made me smile, I've missed niklas alot. You know the niklas that took care of me at home and helped me through things but at the same time be very annoying. When we lived at home with dad, Niklas always left notes like this in my toothbrush glass, and it always ended with "I love you babysis". He is so sweet, I really love him. Anyway I didn't really know what to do today because all my friends were at home, or at the Alexandersson residence. And I was so not ready to go back there and face them yet eventhough I know they want me to come back. But I knew that there was one person that would make me feel better and that would never beat me down so I gave Nicky a call after breakfast. He got really happy that I called and I asked him if he could come over and after about 20 minutes he knocked on the door.

I gave him a soft hug and he hugged me back and stroke my hair. It felt so good to bury my face in his chest and draw in his scent. He always makes me feel so safe and makes everything seem clearer and that there might be a way out of this mess. When we parted we closed the door and took a seat in the livingroom sofa. He asked me how I was doing and I said "Well, not good at all. I miss everyone so much but still it feels like if I go home things will just get back to a living hell again. Tove came by last night and apologized but I don't know...". He took my hand and squeezed it and said "I'm sorry baby. I wish thing would be better, I hate to see you like this. Have you been crying alot?". I felt the tears well up again for the third time this morning. I nodded and said "Is it that obvious? I guess I look like crap.". He shook his head and said "Pretty obvious yeah, you're eyes are red and you look really tired. But you still look beautiful sweetheart, you always look beautiful.". I smiled alittle and said "You are such a liar Nicky Byrne." he smiled and said "I would never lie to you.". We continued to talk and then I remembered something that Tove adn Nico had talked about when he told Tove that he had feelings for me. I asked him "Have you talked to Zara as you told Tove you would?" Nicky sighed and said "No, things got so messy after that so I totally forgot about it. I don't know what to say to her... She is going to be devastated and leave me.". His voice broke and I could tell that he was close to crying. I moved closer to him and put my arms around his neck and gave him a hug. He hugged me back and i felt wet tears drop on my top. I ran my fingers through his hair and kissed his cheek. He cried silently on my shoulder and I stoke his hair and back while telling him that things are going to work out and that I was not going to leave him. When he had stopped crying I took his head between my hands and looked him in the eyes and with my thumbs i stroke away his tears. I said "You have always been there for me and therefore I will always be there for you. Don't ever doubt that." then I kissed his forehead and let go of his face. He looked at me like he was ashamed but at the same time greatful and he said "I never wanted things to turn in this direction, I just want things to go back to normal but I don't know if they can unless we stop seeing each other. But I can't be without you, I just can't.". I stroke his cheek and he closed his eyes and pressed his cheek against my hand. He put his hand over mine and turned his head around and kissed the inside of my hand. I said "I know, but please don't talk like that. you know I wouldn't be who I am without you, I would miss you to much and I wouldn't be able to live a normal life. Tove said that they didn't want us to be miserable so therefore I don't think, or I hope thet won't stop us from seeing each other. But baby, you have to stop being in love with me.". He sighed and said "I'm sorry sweety. I feel the same, and I really hope they will understand that. I know i have too, but you know how it is, it's not so easy. It was so long ago since I felt like this. Of course I love Zara with all my heart but to be in love again... it's pretty nice but I know it's wrong.". I stroke his arm with my hand and I felt it tence up alittle by the touch but he didn't say or do anything. I said "Nicky, you have to... I love you so much but I'm single but you have Zara and you love her like you said. But baby, you have to tell her eventhough you are scared. But like I said, I'm here for you.". He nodded and said "You right and I know that. Thank you, I'll do that... will you sit here while I do that? I need you.". I took his hand and said "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere.". He smiled but the sighed and reached for his cellphone and dialed the number to Zara.

He took my hand and I sqeezed it so that he knew I was there. When Zara picked up they talked alittle and I could here Zara on the other side, she sounded okay. Then Nico told her that he had to tell her something but that he wanted her to let him finish. I heard her scared voice say "okay" and then he siad "Zara, my love. I'm sorry to have to tell you this but I have to. I'm in love with Madde but I will never leave you. I love you so much and I can't live without you. Please forgive me.". I heard Zara cry on the other side and then she said "I can't believe it Nicky. I never thought you would do this to me! I was so scared and now the worse thing that could happen has happened! Let me talk to Madde!". Tears started to run down Nickys face and he said "I'm so sorry honey! It's not Maddes fault. I'm sorry but I won't leave you, I love you!". But Zara wouldn't hear him and I couldn't just sit there so i took the phone from Nico although he told me to give it back but I put it to my ear and said "Hi Zara, Don't be mad at Nico.". When she heard me say that she yelled at me "You little slut!! I'm going to fucking kill you! I can't believe you stole my Nicky away from me, I hate you and I hate him! You can have him! I never want to see him again or you for that matter!". I asked her to calm down but she wouldn't and I told her that I would never let him leave her but she wouldn't listen to that either. Then all of the sudden she just hung up and I looked at Nicky who had new tears running down his cheeks. I hugged him and once again he cried on my shoulder. We sat there for awhile and when he had calmed down I told him to wait there and then I went into the kitchen and got him a glass of water and went back with it and gave it to him. He gave me a weak smile and I went back to the kitchen becuase i had to make a phonecall.

When Tove finally picked up she got really happy and said "Thank you for calling! Do yuo want me to pick you up?". I smiled and siad "No, sorry Tove. I just ahve to ask you for a favour, can yuo call Zara and tell her that Nico is sorry and that he wouldn't leave her and that he just wants her to talk to him. He called her but she just yelled at him and then i talked to her and she said she hated us both and that she was going to kill me.". Tove sighed and said "okay, sure i can do that. Of course she yelled, she is angry and scared and sad.". I said "Tove I allready know that, can you please just call her? I have to go, Nicky is really upset I have to be there for him.". Tove sighed and said "yeah, I'll call her." then we hung up and I walked back to the livingroom where Nicky was sitting with his head in his hands. I sat down next to him and stroke his back, he sat up and looked at me with sad eyes. I kissed his cheek and said that things are going to work themselfs out. He gave me a crooked smile took my hand and sqeezed it. I aksed him if he wanted to talk or if he just wanted to watch a movie and disappear into a different world. He said that he wanted to think about something else so we put on a movie and cuddled up in the sofa.

All of the sudden when we were lying there and I was close to falling asleep we heard a knock on the door but before I had even thought about getting up Jared walkes in and sees me and Nico all cuddled up in the sofa. He apologized for interrupting and was just about to leave when i told him to come in. He turned around and looked at me and I told him to wait and then I turned to Nico and wispered "I'll be back soon. stay here" and then I gave him a kiss on the cheek and left him lying in the sofa and walked with Jared to my bedroom. We sat down on the bed and Jared said "Sorry that I just walked in, I didn't mean to interrupt.". I put my hand on his and said "It's okay, alot of things have just happened, we are pretty down right now. But don't worry, how are you Jar?". He nodded and said "I see. I'm okay, just miss you alot. It's so quiet and empty at home and everyone is so sad and crying all the time." I said "I miss you too, I miss everyone from home but I can't come home. That is why you are here right, you want me to come home?". Jared sat down on the floor infront of me and took my hands and looked imploring into my eyes and siad "Please come home. All of us wants you to come home and you can't say that you are happy here with Niklas.". I sighed and siad "Jared please don't. I'm not happy here and you know it but I'm not going to be happy at home either because all we do is fight there. I'll come home when I'm ready.". He looked even more pleading and said "Come on honey, they are done fighting and we all miss you. Come home." He stood up and got me on my feet and I felt tears well up again and I said "Jared, I can't. Please don't do this. I'll come home when I ready and I'm not ready yet. Please go.". Jared took a step closer to the door but he didn't let go of me so once again I said "Jared please let go of me!". He turned and looked at me and said "No, come home." then we heard Nicos voice say "Jared, take your hands off her and go home.". Jared turned around and faced him and said "You're happy now aren't you, not having to share her with anyone. You can go, it's not your appartment.". But Nicky didn't step to the side he just took a step closer to Jared and told him to let go of my arm again but Jared didn't. I didn't want them to fight so I said "Jared, let go of me and go home! You don't own me and we aren't even a couple!". I pulled my arm lose from his grasp and placed myself next to Nicky. Jared looked at me with sad eyes and then he just walked pass us and out the door.

I sat down on the bed and tears started to run down my face again. Nicky sat down next to me and said "I'm sorry love." and stroke my back. I dried away the tears and said "Why do I always hurt the people I love and that loves me back?". He hugged me and said "You don't, Jared had no reason to behave like that even though he was jealous.". I hugged him back and said "Maybe not, but I still always hurt them. I even hurt you remember." he smiled and siad "Maybe but I'm fine aren't I?" I smiled and stroke his cheek and said "I suppose.". He took my hand and got up and pulled me up with him and we walked back to the sofa and continued to watch the movie.

When the clock had turned 16.00 Niklas came home again. Nicky and I were still lying in the sofa watching movies but when he came home Nicky said it was time for him to go home so we said goodbye and then he left. Niklas asked what we had been doing so I told him and he siad "look, I'm glad you have Nico becuase you seem happy and I can tell that that man loves you and he takes care of you. But he has Zara you know."I stopped him and siad "Niklas please. Don't start you too. I really don't need this.". At dinner we just quietly around the dinnertable and after dinner I went back to my room and picked up my computer and looked around alittle on the internet. After about an hour my phone rang and I thought it was Nicky or Tove but I got a surprise because it was Dennis. He asked how I was doing and if I ws free tomorrow night. I smiled and said "Are you bored or something sexy?" he laught slightly and said "yeah, abit and I miss you.". I said "I miss you too but now isn't a good time. Some things have happened and I have moved to my big brothers place. But I'll give you a call as soon as things have gotten back to normal, or closer to normal anyway.". He asked what had happened and if it had anything to do with why Krisen wasn't at work and hadn't been for the last 2 days. I just said that I didn't really want to talk about it but that I would fill him in later unless Krisen had done it. He accepted that and we talked for awhile longer and then we hung up.

It felt so stupid just lying there but I didn't know what else to do. At home you can just occupy one of the movierooms but I don't even have a tv in my room here so I feel kind of handicapped. I don't really feel like sitting in the sofa with Niklas and watch tv because I know that he is going to want to talk about everything that has happened and I'm not really up for that. i picked up the picture of Tove and me and looked at it. I saw the happiness in the eyes of the two people in the picture, they really loved each other and were best friends that would die for one another. I suddenly got snapped to reality when someone knocked on the door. I told the person to come in and got quite a chock when Kristina opened the door. She asked me if she could come in and I just nodded so she did and closed the door behind her. She walked over to the bed where I was sitting and sat down next to me. She looked like a wreck, like she had been crying for 3 days... just like me. She said "How are you?" I looked down on the floor and said "I'm okay, I suppose. Everything just feels so helpless right now.". Krisen put her hand on mine and siad "I know sweety. But you know that you are more then welcome to come back home. We all miss you so much.". I looked at her and siad "I know, but i don't know if i'm ready to go home just yet. It just feels like everything is going to get messier when I get home.". She said "I understand, and we aren't going to push you to come home. You come home when you feel ready." She gave me a hug and I hugged her back. It was filled with motherly love and I must say i miss her so much. I said quietly "I love you... mum.", she slowly pushed me away and looked at me and said "What did you say?". I hawked and said "I love you mum." I saw tears well up in her eyes and she threw herself around my neck and cried "I love you too! So much honey!". I started to cry too and when we had calmed down we stopped crying and Krisen said "Come home when you are ready, the door is always open for you honey." and then she stood up and were about to leave. I stopped her and said "I would love to do something with you and Tove someday. But i'm not sure when i come home yet. But i miss you, all of you. Tell them that. And tell the kids to be nice to Tove, especially My and jerry.". Kristina nodded and said "sounds good. and I will do that. Take care of yourself. Love you.". I said "you too, love you too." and then she left.

After Krisen visit I had no idea what to do.. I tried to play games on internet but I got bored really fast and then i thought I could always give Shane filan a call. He got really surpised that i called but he siad "You sound much happier, have you moved back home?". I smiled and said "No Shane, I'm still at my brothers place but some things have happened that has made me think about maybe moving back soon.". He let our a relifed sigh and said "I love the sound of that. How's Nicky then, I haven't talked to him since the day before last.". I said "Well, that is where all this suck. He told Zara about his feelings for me and she started to yell at both of us and he is totally broken down about it. He's been hanging out here all day but when he was leaving I didn't want him to go, I'm really worried.". Shane said "God, poor Nico... I just wish i could come back to sweden and be there for him and you. I might turn up when you least expect it." I told him that it sounded good and that both Nico and I missed him and he missed us too. We talked for another hour and then he ahd to go and watch a movie with his wife. They are so cute together, I wish I could have what they have...

Well you know what... I think i'm going to wrap this up now but who knows tomorrow I might have moved back home. You'll see then.

Take care
Love
Madde