Losing it

Hello!!

How are you all doing?
I have to say I'm doing pretty well, I still got a little pain sometimes, but except from that then I'm good, but that is just if you ask me, I think you would get another answer if you ask Madde or Jensen.After I told Jensen about my weight loose and that I can't eat and so on, after that he and Madde have been looking at me with big worring eyes all the time. Which I hate more then ever, that's why I hate telling people about my problems because they always get so diffrent. And that's why I didn't tell them intill Jensen saw me, and now Madde wants to call Henrik and talk to him, which I told her that I would hate her for ever if she did that. Because I rather die then be in the hospital again!! It's not like I don't eat anything at all in a whole week... what the fuck now when both Madde and Jensen almost know the whole trust then I can as well tell them everything, since it's not that much they don't allredy know. Well I almost dosn't eat anything at all, I always try to eat at dinner because then I can't sit alone and just throw it away, but the problem is that I can eat sometimes but it often comes up instead after words, and if it dosn't then I often get a really bad stomachache lik eit's going to explode and sometimes I wish it did just so it would stop, and the only way to get it to stop is to put two fingers down my throat and then if feel so much better, I know that I shouldn't do it, but if you had the same pain as I do then you would do it to trust me. If I hadn't just been in the hospital and taken alot of tests, then I had been pretty sure that I would had cancer in my stomach, because I have all the right sign, no appetite, feel sick when I eat, it hurts like hell if I eat, and a big weight loose, but it can't be that because then the docter had missed something big! Since they took tests everyday for like 4 weeks and I didn't eat that much better then either so. I'm not going to tell Henrik about this and neither are Madde!! I don't know how much more I can take of staying in a hospital, and I don't know if the people around me can take it either, like My she dosn't even understand why I have been in the hospotal and why I was sick she is just to young, and she is so happy to have me home again she almost tells me that everyday she is just so cute. My gave me a hug yesterday and then she said " It almost hurts to hug you because you are so hard, you wasn't like that before. " Both Madde and Jensen looked at me, it's not like i don't know that I'm to skinny because I do, but everything have to be fine.

My actally came into my room yesterday evening after the dinner and the movie we had seen and I was reading and Jensen was out walking with Jared or Madde or both I don't know, I was to tierd to go with them.
My closed the door behind her and she looked kind of sad so I asked what was wrong and she said with a sad voice " Are you sick again? I heard Madde and Jensen talking and they said that you where maybe sick agian beacuse you don't eat and that you where to skinny. And I'm sorry I didn't mean to eavesdrop it just happend. " Her tears started to fall and I just put away the book and walked over to her and gave her a hug and lifted her up and put her down on my bed and I layied down and I told her to come closer and she put her head on my cheast and she continued cring and I put my arms around her and kissed her on the head. When she had calm down she asked me agian if I was sick, I said " no I'm not sick, I'm just having little trouble eating " My said " So you are not going to the hospital again, promis? You always tell me that it is so importent to eat, so why don't you? " This was really hard to talk about, I could feel that tears started to fill up in my eyes, but I just thought I can cry with my 5 year old little sister in my room, that would not at all help her worring less, so I did my best to keep them away. Then I said " No I'm not going to the hospital again, I .. promis. I know I always tell you that but this is more complicated, and it's more importent for you to eat because you are going to grow up and be a big healty girl " She said " Yeah but still you have to eat too, I'm worried about you! I love you and you are the best big sister in the world, so don't die and leave me here I need you!" I tried my hardest to keep the first tear from running down my cheek, but I couldn't stop it, but since my was still laying on my cheast she didn't see that, I dried it away but it just fall down another one, and I said " who said anything about dieing? I will never leave you, and I will always be there for you in both bad and good times beacause I love you too sweety! And everyhing will be fine" My looked up at me and she said scared " Why are you crying?" I dried out the tears but they didn't want to stop falling down my cheeks and I said " I'm just a little worried, but that is nothing you have to be worried about, everything will be okay. Just give me a hug I need that. " She throw her arms around my neck and my tears started to run even faster, and when she let go she was cring too, and I asked what was wrong, she said " If you are worried then I'm worried" I gave her a kiss and dried my tears away and did my best so they wouldn't countinue falling and I said " Look now I'm fine and I promis everything will be okay" She stopped crying and asked " can't I stay here with you and watch Tv? " I forced on a smile and said " of course " My said " Why are you always so nice? I mean all my other big brothers and sister just think I'm an idoit and that I'm just destoying everythingn and they never wants to play with me or hang out with me, I think they hate me. " said " Sweeit they dosn't hate you ar ethink you are en idoit, they love you even though they dosn't always show it. I just think they are to young to realize how much fun it can be to hang out with you, and I think I'm the one who acutally love kids the most and I have a resposebility to take care and look after you all since I'm the oldest one and I love haning out with you" My said " If you love kids why did you get so upset yesterday then when everybody thought you where pregnate? " I said " Well because first of all it wasn't true and second of all I'm not even sure I want kids " My said " I want you to have kids with Jensen! But If you don't want a baby why did you then hug that morning? beacuse then you make a baby " I sign and said " I know you do, and you are not the only one... just beacuse you are hugging dosn't mean that the girl will get preganate that depends a little " My is as stubborn as Madde so she didn't give up she said " But still if you didn't even want to get preganate why wher you and Jensen hugging then? " I said " Can't you go and ask mum about this or someone, they probaly have a better answer and I don't think mum will be happy if I tell you something I shouldn't " My said " okay, but what shouldn't you tell me? " I said " I'm not going to tell you, and btw did you tell anyone about what you heard from Madde and Jensne? " My shaked her head and said " No I'm going to ask someone" before she ran throw the door I said "Just don't ask Madde" She didn't answer she just ran away, but I did a mistake to say not ask Madde because kids always do the opposite. Madde don't tell her something stupied!

Yesterday Madde got back at me or she tried anyway, it started with Madde making out with Jensen which I didn't care that much about so then she just got even more pissed off, and then she told My to spread the rumore around that I was pregnante which I'm not, but that didn't really pisse me off that much either, I mustly just got confused. So she havn't really get back at me for real which I think makes her angry, I just think it's funny :P hahah
I just have to see if she can come up with something else or if I win this round, Madde is a looser! ;)LOSER!!!!

Well me and Jensen had a great morning with alot off satisfaction and fun ;)
I don't know what's up with him today he have had a hard time keeping his hands off me. Since I'm almost always is awake before he is then I wake him up, which I did this morning too.
I gave him a kiss on his perfect lips and he opened his eyes and looked at me and the he gave me one off he amazing smiles and he said " So why are you all the way up here, when you should be under the cover and down there, like yesterday and the day before that, I like to wake up like that" I gave him a cheesy smile and put my hand inside of his boxers and started to gently take care of him, while I strok his cheast with my other hand, then I pulled my hand up from his boxers and put one knee on each side of him and started to kiss his cheast and his hands was under my top on my back. I started to kiss him lower and lower down and when I was low enoug I pulled his boxers off I started to kiss around his beast, which made him alittle worked up and then I started to use my hand and I could hear that he started to moan, so I just pulled off the cover from us so I could see him, he gave me a smile and I used my my lips and tonuge instead while my hand movied slowly up inside of his thigh, when I got to his two things I gently started to caress then, which he really, beacause he started to moan loader and his big beast got even bigger, and when he was enough worked up I started to kiss his abs and my way up, and I put one of my legs between his, so I could feel his big hard friend pressed against my thigh which made me really worked up, so I rubed my thigh gently to his warm beast, he moaned alittle and I just smiled at him, he put his hands inside of my top and strok my back and my stomach up to my boobs and the he pulled it off with his strong arms and the he took his hand on the back of my head and lead me closer to him and kissed me. He rolled around us so he got on top, he started to kiss my neck and then my shoulder and continued down to my boobs where he stoped for a while, he plaied a
little with his tonuge on my nipple, while the under hand was touching my stomach, I love when he he uses his tonuge his an expert on that in what ever he is doing. Then he started let go of my boob and went even farther down and started to kiss me over the egde of my pantis and then he took his hands to pull them down and and continue kissing me down, then he stopped and took his hands on my thighs and separated my legs and gave me a cheesy smile and then he put a few of his fingers inside of me and started to move slowly, it was to good to be true! Then he started to use his tonuge whichs was soooooooooo good!!! He should winne some price for best tongue user or something! To undertsand how good he is then you just have to try him to understand, because it's impossible to desribe, amazing!! I started to moan loader and loader, Jensen stopped and looked up and said " Are you close?" I just nooded and he started to work with his tongue again, but this time even harder and faster intill I came, then he looked up and started to kiss his way up to my lips agian and he started to kiss me and I have to say he know how to use his tongue in my mouth too. While he was kissing me he put it inside of me and started to move slow but hard and deep, he stopped kissing me and looked me into the eyes then he started to go faster while I toched his back and then I took a grip of his ass, he moan and started to go even faster and harder, after a while both of us started to moan really loud and then I came again, Jensen smiled and then he strted to go even faster again and then he came inside of me, he took it out and layied next to me on the bed and I put my head on his cheast, but after 5 minuts he started to touch my boobs again and I smiled at him and asked " Are you still worked up? " He gave me a cheey smile and started to kiss me, but this time we didn't have that long foreplay, I helped him alittle to get it up again but that wasn't so hard, then he put it in me again and started to go fast right away and when both of us was done we laied there and talked, then we looked what the time was and it was 9 in the morning and since we always have mutual breakfast at 10 in sundays, we had to get ready, Jensen walked up to take a shower. I followed his naked sexy ass while he walked from the the bed into the bathroom. I walked up and put on my panties and also walked in to the bathroom to get ready. Jensen was just on his way to step into the shower when he saw me and then he looked at me and said " Maybe we should take a bath instead? " I laughted and said " What's up with you today? " He walked to me and pressed his naked body agianst mine and then he whisperd in my ear " Don't you like it? " I smiled and said " Of course I do, but do we have time?" He said " Just a quick then, it's not like we need that much foreplay " I smiled and started to kiss him, he stoped kissing me and took my hand and walked over to our big bubble bathtub and turned the water on, and then he went back to my lips again. I took my hand and helped him while my other hand was on his ass. When it was up and riseing again I continue kissig him and then he pulled down my panties. He laied down in the bathtube and then he reach after my hand, I took his hand and steped in. He pulled me down so I layied on top of him and then he start to kiss me, then I took a gently grip of his big hard thing and put it inside of me, and started to move. It was great but I'm like Madde and dosn't like to be on top, but it can be nice sometimes too and especially since Jensen likes it. Jensen smiled at me and said " So you want to be on top now? " I smiled and said " If you want to chance place with me I wont aruge " He said " You can stay there a bit longer, I like having you on top then I see you better " After a while I got of and layied next to him in the tub so he had to get on top intead which he glady did, and he started to go faster and faster, when we was done, Jensen walked into the shower alone and then I did the same and we got dressed.

We was alittle late to breakfast, like 15 minuts or so, Krisen looked furios at me, since she is still really pissed of at me and then she asked us why we where late. Me and Jensen looked at each other and Jensen said an pretend irratating voice " Tove was slow getting dressed like always " It's good to have a boyfriend who is a actor. I satt down next to Madde and Jensen next to me. After a while Jensen pu his hand on my thigh and started to strok it he got hhigher and higher up. Madde looked down at my thigh and where his hand was, then she gave me a cheesy smile which I just ignored. Jensen started to eat, and I have to say that I had choosed the worsed
set ever between the people who knows about all this so they wached me like a hawk, Madde looked at me with ameningful look and said " Aren't you eating? " That qustion made every one look at me, so I just gave madde a angry glare and then I took a sandwich and took a bit which was really hard to shallow down, but I did get it down and then evreyone got bact to normal except Madde and Jensen who was waching my every bit, after a few bits I could feel how sick I started to feel, so I excused myself to go the that bathroom. When I got the the hall, madde took my arm and said " You are not doing it!!n" I said " Do you want me to throw up on you or on the bathroom? And if you want to help me just be theer for me! " She let go of my arm and I ran into the bathroom. When I walked back in to the dinningroom both Madde and Jensen looked at me worried. I sat down next to them and both of them looked at me, Jensen took my hand in his and Madde did the same with my my other hand. Madde whsiperd to me " Please eat " I just shaked my head, then she just let go of my hand and she stood up and looked at me with tears in her eyes and said angry and worrig " You only care about yourself, you don't care about me or Jensen or anyone in this room ,just you!! Dob you have no idea how worried I'm?!! And you just say it will be fine!!" Everybody looked at us and it started to run tears down from Maddes eyes, I could take this anymore, so I looked at mum who looked confused and excused myself and then I stood up and gave Madde a angry look and then I walked past her up throw into the hall and throw the front door! Then I went to the stable to go for ride on shadow to clear my thoughts. I have no idea if Jensen and Madde told the rest of the family, but I don't care.

It was great to finally be able to get back up in the saddle again after all this time. And Shadow was absoutly amazing!! I made a stop at a rivulet and I got of Shadow and sat down on the grown looking at the water, I stayed their for maybe three hours just to think, under that time then both Madde and Jensen called me a few times, but I didn't feel like talking to them now so I didn't answer. But I did feel talking to someone so I called Henrik. He asked right the way what was wrong I said " Can't we please talk about someting else instead? " He said " Yeah of course but I would love to hear what you have to say if you want to tell me" I said " Maybe some other day, so what's going on in your life, so new girl?" He laughted and said " Not really, as you know I'm not really the dating type. " I laughted and said " You and Madde should be perfect for each other " He said " The only problem is that she hates me, and would you be okay with me and Madde togheter? Even though I know it will never happend " I said " Yeah that's true. And no I probbably wouldn't like that, even though I have no right to care about that, because I don't owe you are Madde. " He said " No maybe you don't,but you still owe my heart" I said " I don't know what to answer to that " Henrik said " You don't have to answer to that. By the way when are we going to Malmö? " I said " good. I don't know.. on wesday maybe and come home on Thursday? Or do you need to work? " He said " I'm working but I can see if I can fix so I don't, I have to cheack that tonight " I said " Good, I really need to get away from here as fast as possible!" He said " You still don't want to tell me what's bothering you? " I sign and said " No, sorry. But I will tell you someday I promis. " Then he asked " Where are you? I hear water" I laughted and told him where i was and he said " And then you thought you should call me?" I said " Yeah why not? I'm use to see you everyday now I'm not, don't you like that I call? " He said " I love when you call me" I said " good. So how are you feeling about talking to your mum? " He said " I don't know really, nervious, confused scared maybe, but kind of relived to that I have desided do it. " I said " I can just imadgen how you are felling, but I will be there for you and you can always talk to me. " He said " I know and I'm really glad for that. But dose your.... boyfreind still think it's okay that you are going away with me? " I said " Was it so hard to say the word boyfreind? Well he has told me that he trust me, so this will show me if he dose. " Henrik laughted " Yeah it was, sorry. So I should expect your phone calling every minut so he can cheack up on you?" I said " To be honest I think he ill do his best to trust me and he want call me that much, but on the otherside I think Madde is going to call me every minut instead!" He laughted and said " Right she dosn't trust me " I said " She dosn't trsut me either so. " Then Henrik told me he had to go to work, so we said goodybye and hug up.
I staied thie a while longer and then I wen't back up on shadowns back and I wasn't ready to go home so I just continued in to the forest for a few hours, then my phone rang, and I I saw it was Nico so I did answer. He asked if I knew where Madde was because she wasn't picking up but I told him I wasn't at home. Then it got a uncomfeterble silnce and then I brok it and asked who it was with Zara and teh kids. And eh told me about China and all that, but we didn't talk about Madde at all or Nico and zaras fight because then we woul djut get pissed off.
He todl me that everything was fine and he asked how I was doing, and I said eveything was fine. I don't know how much Made have told him. Then he said he had to go so we said goodbye.
Then I realized I had been away for like 4 hours so we went home which took another hour so before I was done in the stable and with shadow then dinner time was allready over, which I think was good because then I didn't had to meet my whole family tonight i think.

When I walked throw the front door I could hear that everyone was talking with the dinner table after dinner. Then I heard Jensens voice " Tove is it you? " I didn't really feel like talking so I didn't answer, but then both Jensen and Madde came out in the hall when I was just was on my way sneacking up the stairs. Jensen said worried " Where the hell have you been?! Do you have no idea how worried we have been!!" Before I got the chance to answer Madde said " We or I thought you had been kidnapped again or something!! " I said " Calm down! It's not like I'm 3 years old and need to have a babysiter after me all the time, and I don't have to report everything I do to you two!" Then I just ran upstairs and closed the door behind me. After an hour or so I desided to go downstairs and face everyone and see if they knew.
Now they where sitting out side on the pouch drinking wine, okay not the kids they where drinking a coca. I walked throw the glass door and evreyon got quite and looked at me, but I could't say if they knew or not because they didn't say anything about it.
Jensen walked over to me and gave me a hug and I huged him back and he said " I'm so sorry for getting angry at you again, I was just worried also again, and I love you baby" I said " It's okay, and I love you too " Then I gave him a kiss, then Jared smiled and said " Awwww, so cute or own lovebirds" I looked at him and gave him my evil eye and told him to shut up, he just laughted and so did ever one else. Jensen took my hand and draged me to the sofa where he was sitting next to Jared and then Maded on Jareds otherside, Jensen sat down and then he pulled me down in his lap so I should sit on him, which I did. I put my hand around his neck and layied it down on his shoulder and took my hand and started to play with his ear and ear lobe, while he had his arm around my waist and the other one on my thigh, I lead down to kiss him. Then he took his wine glass he had on the floor and drank a sip then he just held it in his hand, so I just took it and drank a few sipes, Madde looked at me like she didn't like it, but it's not like it was much so I just ignored her, Jensen just gave me annother kiss and put down the wine glass and put his hand on my thigh and strok it, while I still was touching his ear. I looked at Jess who wasn't drinking wine and I gave her a meningful glare and then I asked " So why are you not drinking then? " She looked angry at me and said " What the hell do you think? " I smiled and said " Good you did learn something after that night then. " Krisen looked at me and then at Jess and asked her what we meant with that night, Jess didn't answer she just started at me angry. And since Krisen rather avoid talking to me, but now she had to so she asked me instead,a nd since me and Jess isn't best freinds right now after that night since she sill havn't said she was sorry so I answerd mum and said " Well the other night me and Jesnsen picked her up ina freinds party and she had have alot more to drink that she should off, and then I mean a lot. So Jensen had to help her to the car, so on thw way home she got sick and so on. " Jess looked really pissed off at me but I just smiled at her and mum said to her " You can't do that, think of something had happend!! Drunk teenagers boys are not something you should trust!! Think next time!" Jess said angry to her " I wasn't alone!!" Mum asked who she was with then and Jess answerd Mikale and mums eyes got even bigger and she asked " And what did you two do in that bedroom then?!! " Jess said angry " We where just talking!" Mum looked at me and I said " Yes they where just talking!" Mum calmed down and started to talk to Donna instead, Jess looked at but not as angry as before, apprently I have to lie to my mother for for my sisters sake so she would get more happy about me.
I just looked at her angry and then I looked at Jensen and gave him a smile and a kiss and then I drank some more wine, but just alittle.
Then I feel like to go bed and I stood up and told everyone that I was going to bed,
Jensen didn't let go of my hand, he said that he was going to bed to then, I said " You don't have to, you can stay if you like, I'm not really feel like talking... " He smiled and said " I know but I want too, and we can talk about something else " He kissed me and took his wine glass and said goodnight to evreyone, and the we walked by the kichen to leave the glass and the we walked upstairs, but he didn't let go of my hand intill we came in to our room and laied down on the bed where we talked for a while but as he promised we didn't talk about that I knew he wanted to talk about. Then we got undrssed and laied down in the bed again. Where I layied down on his cheast to finsh my book, while he laied there stroking my back intill he felled a sleep.

Well now it's time for me too to try to get some sleep. I just have to say sorry for this half depressed inlay, hopefully Madde will be more positive tomorrow.
See ya soon!
Kisses
Tove