Yay,what a great day! NOT!

Hello!

How are you lot? i hope you are doing better then me and that you and your loved once aren't fighting beucase I can just tell you that it sucks! I'll tell you more about that later.

Well first off I guess you are all wondering about what happened that night when Tove wasn't home and I spent the night with Jensen. Well, first off when we had gotten to bed we talked for a while about everything and nothing and then he put his arm under my head and I rested my head on his chest and he said "Thank you for doing this,I heard you were suppose to go to Dennis." i just told him that I had promised that if he ever needed me that i would be there for him, no matter what so there i was. He gave me a kiss on the head and then heput a fingr under my chin and forced my face towards his and kissed me. He stroke my back and then stomack and got inside my panties and caressed me. He is such a good kisser and he is amazing with his tongue and I said "Tove tells me that you are amazing at using you tongue.". He gave me a cheesy smile and kissed his way down to the edge of my panties and pulled them down and started to use his tongue! OMG he was so good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahahah I'm just kidding :P Don't worry Tove, we didn't kiss or have sex :P I just had to right it :P

No, when i was finished with the blog we laied down on the bed and I asked him how he was doing, he siad "Well, I trust her but I have to say that I'm still worried. I can't help it, I love her so much that haveing her away from me is so painful.". I took his hand and said "i know it hurts, it's like having a piece of your soul ripped out and it won't be hole untill the peron gets back. i trust her too, but I don't trust him.". He said "I know you understands, that is why it's so easy to talk to you. i don't trust him either." I said "Well you understand how I feel so that's why it's easy to talk to you too. I know.". He rolled over to his side and put his head in his hand so that he could look at me but he didn't let go of my hand with his other. he said "How are you doing then?" i said "I'm okay, I trust her as i said but if he...." then he interrupted me and said "No, I mean, how are you now when nico is away. Are you okay?". I sighed and said "Well, I'm okay I suppose. I miss him, I do. And I really need him right now but he can't come home just because of that and I won't let him. The thing is that Nicos and Zaras relationship is going to hell and I know how much Nico loves zara although I hate it. But she doesn't understand that because appearantly he doesn't show it. And now Tove is all over this as well and hates Nico again.". He sighed as well and said "I'm sorry that things has gotten so messy. And i can tell that it's really tareing you down and i know that nico is the one who can help you through this. I know how much you love nicky and Madde, he loves you too but he should also show Zara how much he loves her. Tove doesn't have any reason to hate Nico, and I know that she tells you to stay out of their relationship, maybe she should to.". i nodded and said "It's not your fault but thanks. yeah, but i can't ask him to help me to much although he wants to be there for me. He is so sweet and protective of me and I love that, no one has ever cared so much about me before. I know he should and I'm going to talk to him about that... i know she doesn't but do you think she cares? no! of course not, and becuse of all thins, because I'm on nicos side and she is on zaras it's tareing our relationship to hell to! Or I'm not even on nicos side, I know that they think it's worng but we aren't even doing anything! we are just talking, what is so horrible with that?". He nodded and said that he understood and that he realyl hopd everything would be ood again, like last year. We continued to talk for a while and then we desided it was best to go to sleep, so we did.

Today i've been hanging out with Jessica and Tove. if you read Toves inlay from yesterday then you know that she had her heart broken by Mikael so Tove and I desided sh needed a girls day out so we headed into the city to shop. we had a great time and jess and I draged Tove with us to a store filled with beautiful weddingdresses. Tove wasn't very happy and just sat on a chair in a corner of the store while Jess and I ran around looking at goregous dresses. We found a few that we thought Tove would look great in and we actually was able to force her into them. And we were right, she did look sooooo amazing!! If Jensen would have been there he would have died, she was so gorgeous! I wish she could say yes to Jensen when he askes her next time because he would make her so happy and she would make him the happiest man in the world. I don't get why sh can't just go through with the wedding, it's not that horrible. A girls weddingday is suppose to be the happiest day of hr life, i don't understand why she doesn't want to get married.

Of course we also we to NK to shop there and we found some really cool and beautiful clothes. Jess found amongst other things an amazing dress, Tove found a few pair of shoes and jeans and tops and stuff and I found a goregous dress, shoes, jeans, sexy underwear and tops. ;) I love to fill my wardrobe with new clothes! and I fund jareds birthday gift!! I'm so happy that that is done, now I just have to wait till sunday to give it to him! :D But then when we were wondering around having a great time shopping guess who we run into. Eddie. This time I didn't freeze or anything, this time I just felt how angry i got and when he looked at me and smiled I just wanted to kill him. Tove was just as angry as me and was also really close at attacking him but Jess took a hold of our arms and said that we should go. I really didn't want to leave, i just wanted him to bleed. Then Tove thought that it would be best if we left as well so she took a hold of my other arm and both of them dragged me away from there. I wish Krisen could hurry up with that restraining order that she was going to fix because next time I see him anywhere near me I'm not just going to stand there and look at him, he is going to bleed! I can't believe that i liked Eddie once, that he was a nice guy and almost like a father to me when my dear dad was gone. And now he is a realy creep and dickhead that only has one thing on his mind!

Speaking of dear old dad, we met his son, linus, in town today aswell. He gave Tove a hug and said hello to jess but totally ignored me and since I wasn't in the best modd after seeing Eddie that didn't really get me less irritaded. But I knew I couldn't do or say anything stupid because that would just push him away more so I told Tove I was going into a shop and left. when they had been standing there talking for about 15 minutes and I went back to them and then of course Linus said he had to go and he gave Tove a hug and then he just said good bye to jess and tove and left. He never even looked at me or made any effort at trying to say hi or notice me what so ever. It really hurts that my baby brother hates me and that he just ignores me, I don't even remember why he hates me. Everyone tells me to give him some time but I have given him so much time but it doesn't help does it? I suppose those days when he and Niklas was sitting on our sofa greeting me with a "hello sis!" are gone and will never happen again. Atleast i have one brother who cares about me and loves me but it would be so nice to have the family gatherd. Because Linus and niklas is the only family I got that is truly mine. Of course the Alexandersson's are my family too but they don't share my gens but niklas and liuns do. I've lost my mother and my father, I almost lost my big brother once too and now I just found my little brother but i've lost him too. Why does my family just leave me? people always leave. I miss them.

Well after a shitty day like this turned out to be I didn't really want to bring everyone elses moods down with mine so when we got home I went up to my room and changed clothes and went out for a run. I just felt that i ahd to blow off so steam so I ran the way nico and I use to walk and then I stopped at a sweet stall to get an icecream. when i was sitting there eating my icecream, looking at people walking by I got a call from nico. he asked what i was up to and I just said that i was out running but had made a stop to get some icecream. He laught and said "Are you so bored now when I'm not there that you have to go out running?" I smiled and siad "No. I'm that pissed off that i need to go out running." he asked why I was angry and I told him about our little meeting with Eddie and Linus. he said "i would have killed him." I said "I know and I rally wanted to do the pleasure myself but Tove and Jess dagged me out of there." he said that it was good that thy had done that but I disagree. Then I asked what he had been up to all day and he said "Well, Zara has been working all day so the kids and I have been out shopping. It was kind of nice actually and the kids had a good time." I smiled and said "That's good, but Nico I have to ask you to do something." he said "okay what?". I took a deep breath and said "You need to fix this with zara, you have to show her how much you love her because I know you do. take her out on a romantic dinner or something, sh is worried that you love me more then her. that's not the case right?" I heard him take a deep breath too and said "I know, and I've been thinking about taking her out for dinner but I don't know what to do with the kids. I suppose I can leave them with sara but she doesn't like kids at all... I love her, I really love her and I hate to fight with her. I don't think so... like you said, things are so messy right now that i don't even know what I feel. I love you, i know that and I love Zara. And zara has been with me for so long that our love is kind of settled and always there but you and I just found each other and I love spending time with you and be with you. I will take care of this but it feels like Zara wants to say something but she can't, i won't leave her if she says something that i disagree with. I love her to much, you know that right." I nodded and said "I don't think Sara will say no if you tell her what you are going to do, she wants you guys to fix this too. i know you love her, and I think she knows that to but she just wants you to show it. I love you, and I love spending time with you too. I know, just ask her what she wants to say but i'm warning you, don't get mad because I'm sure that it has something to do with you and me. And Nico, i'm not going to stand in the way of your relationship, even thought it would be so hard and hurt so much to leave you.". I felt the tears starting to burn behind my eyelids and then when he said "I suppose not, I'll talk to her. I know it has something to do with you and I. Madde, don't you dare. We had a deal, we wouldn't leave each other no matter what. Don't break that, even though I love Zara and I want this to get fixed I know I can't be without you. i just can't." his voice broke and I knew that he was worried and scared and that he just wanted everything to be good again, just like me. I just wanted to be thre with him and wrap my arms around him and stroke his back and tell himt hat it was okay. hearing him all torn up made one tear fall down my cheek and I said "I'm sorry, i won't leave you. I love you but you need to fix this." the tears started to pour down my cheeks and an old woman asked if i was okay but I just nodded and she kept walking. Nico was really quiet on the other side of the phone but then he said "Thank you. How's things going with you and Tove then?" I stroke my tears away and said "Not good. Nither one of us thinks that we will have this figuerd out by the time you come back home. I just hope it will go somewhere when we gt to the cottage, maybe she'll start eating then... But i don't know. i'm just so worried and it's driving me crazy." nico sighed and said "i'm sorry honey. I really hoped at least you and Tove would have worked things out but i suppose thing are to hard to just fix that fast huh?." i said "yeah, I suppose so. But can't we talk about something else now?" he let out a small laugh and said "Sure.". So we talked about other stuff for like an hour and then he had to go and I had to get hme to eat dinner. So he said "I'll call you tomorrow, miss and love ya. Bye." i smiled and siad "Sounds good, can't wait. love you too and miss you like crazy, bye." and thn we hung up and I ran back home.

After dinner Jared came into my room and asked if I wanted to watch a movie with him, jensen, Tove, lukas and Tobbe. i thought that i can't just lie up in my room all night so I said yes and walked downstairs with him. I cuddled up against jared and he put his arm around my shoulders and it was so cozy and felt so safe. When we had watched the movie he said "oh and I have a surprise for you, I know someone that would love to come to the cottage this summer.". Everyone in the room got really curious and asked who and Jared said "Colin Farrell.". I couldn't believe my ears!! Colin Farrell!! have you any idea how hot he is!! Crazy! I gave jared a big kiss as a thank you and then we all started tot alk about what we are going to do when we get there. What we all agreed on is that it's going to be great! :D Can't wait!

Well, i'm going to go now. Tove'll write tomorrow.

Take care
Love
Madde