So close...

Hello friends!

Now I'm home again and I will tell you all about it.
Maybe I should just start from the top. Before Henrik picked me up I had been packing all night so me and Jensen could have a romantic morning by ourselfs. But of course that didn't happend since Madde was right that I wouldn't be finsh packing even though I did it all night, I wasn't even half way when Jensen walk up. Why do I always take so fucking long time to pack I hate it!! It's not like I was going to be gone a whole year, just 24 h it's crazy!
But Jensen helped me pack instead, okay that was a lie he didn't help me pack really beacuse I hate when people try to help me with that, then I will just get really bitch and annoied, you can ask Madde if you don't belive me, she have tried a few times.
Jensen was mostly haning out with me in the closet, stroking my back, or my arm, or my ass, or my thigh and kissing me and holding my hand. Which didn't make it easier to pack, but we had a cozy time.

Well anyway you all know what happend when Henrik was going to pick me up, all that with My. It was really hard to say goodbye to Jensen, even though it was jut for a day, when we kissed and I knew that was the last kiss for 24 hours It almost felt like I would die and it was the last kiss evre, horrible! When our lips parted he look my right hand and rotated the ring alittle and then he smiled and I left.
When me and Henrik sat down in the car and start driving to Bromma airport, then Henrik gave me a glare and said " So you don't look so good... you are SO much thinner now then you did when you left the hospital and that's not even 2 weeks ago" I just looked out the passenger window and Henrik said " Is this what you didn't want to tell me the other day? " I sign and said " Yes, but can we please talk about something else because it's a big possiblety that I will get angry with you and that is not what you need right now " He said " Of course we can but we need to talk about this tonight!" I didn't answer to that then I asked how he was feeling, and he said he was kind of worried and nervoius. When we was at the airport we cheacked in our bages and walk in to the wating hall and sat down. Then I said " I'm sorry about My I will talk to her later, but I thought she liked you.. weird" Henrik said " I don't think anyone likes me in your family anymore " I said " Dosen't I count? I like you " He smiled and said " Yes ofcourse you do." When we got on the plane and sat down and before we was going up in the air Henrik looked really scared and I asked if he was afrid of flying, but he said now so I asked what was wrong and he said " When we talked about this trip then it was so far away and I didn't really know what I was talking about, but now.. I have waitied to have enough courage to do this for years and now when I think I dose and I'm so close, to close, I'm really doing this and to be honest I'm scared like hell right now and this just hit me now. It's so... I don't know.. weird maybe" Then we when up in the air and he got even more scared I took his hand in mine and said " I can imadgen that, I would probably be even more scared then you are right now. I think you are brave for doing this even though it's going to be hard like hell, but it will hoefully be better after" He forced away a smiled to me, I feel so bad for him, I hope everything will go okay.

When we got to of the plane we rent a car beacause we argeed that we didn't want to take a cab everywhere. Then we drove to the hotel to leave our bags, or leave Henriks bag and my bags.
Then we started to drive towards his parents house, sinece they where living like a half hour from the centrer of the town so when we got closer, just 10 minuts away. Then henrik started to get really scared and freaked out, so we stopped and he let me drive instead and he just had to tell me the way. When we drove in at the road where they lived he really looked like he was going to freak out for real and kill himself or something, I asked if he wanted me to turne around but he said no, but he told me to drive in a parking lot before we went to the house just so he could find the streange again. which I did. I took his hand and he was scared and he said to me " My father will probaly be drunk like always, so stay close to me all the time and try to don't talk to him!" I said " Don't worry about me" He didn't asnwer and we just sat there for while then he said he was ready so we drove to the house and knocked on the door.
His mum open and she looked really sweeit, she looked suprised when she saw Henrik then she lighted up and started to smiled and gave Henrik a big hug, then she looked at me and then she hold out her right hand and gave me a smile, I took her hand and she told me that her name was Ellen. Then she said happy to me " You are the first girl ever that Henrik had let me meet, so you most be really speical " I smiled and Henrik said " Yes she is, but we are just friends " Ellen told us to come inside which we did, Henrik looked so nervoius. We walked into the kitchen and his
mum started to make coffie and bring out cookis and so on. We sat down and Ellen asked how we had meet since I don't think she really belived that we just was freinds so I said " Well Henrik here is my docter, and we meet when I got cancer in February " Then his father walked into the kitchen and Henrik was so right he was really drunk, he looked at Henrik and then at me and then at Henrik again. Henrik said scared " This is my father Roland, and this is Tove. " He said spluttering " So you have finally got yourself a girlfriend, so you are not a virgin anymore, apprently when you lived here you was to ugly for all the girls, I almost thought you where guy" I could see that Henrik got really hurt. Henrik said insecure " She is not my girlfriend" Roland laughted and said " Of course she isn't, she is to beuatiful for you " Then I couldn't keep my mouth shut as I had promised Henrik I said " Your son is absoutly goregous and absolutely amazing man, I just wish you could see that" Henrik gave me a little smile and then Roland said " So if he is so wounderful why isn't you his girlfriend then? " I said " First of all you have nothing to do with that! But we have been dateing and I almost feel inlove with him " Roland said " What did he do wrong then? Is he bad in bed? " Then Ellen said with a begging voice " Roland, please" But he just yelled " Shut up woman!!" I can't belive she is still living with him, then I answerd to Roland " No he was great in bed , what went wrong was that I wasn't the only own who saw how sexy your son is. " He said to Henrik " So girls in stockholm likes you ugly face " Henrik said " Girls liked me when I lived here too! I didn't want to bring them home because of you! Because you where always drunk like now and I never knew what you would do to them" Roland said angry " What would I do?!" Henrik stood up and yelled " Maybe the same thing you did to me! " I stood up to and took his hand so he knew I was there for him. His father just by us and open a cabinet and pulled out a big bottle booze and he took a sipe, then he said " I didn't even touch you!" Henrik yelled " So you mean you didn't hit me every singel night with your belt and after that you mean you didn't pulled down you pants and mine and told me to lay down on my stomach on the bed and then you... " Roland walked to the doorway again and said " Then I what?" Henrik yelled " Then you.... forced it inside of me! And I scremed of pain and you just laughted, and if I scrmed more then I use to then you just laughted even harder and thought it was even nicer and then you did it even harder!!" Roland said " son I have no idea what you are talking about" Then Ellen said crying " yes you do, ever night I could hear him scream, every night, and when you got out of there you just act like nothing had happend! So don't act lik eyou don't know, you did it for 10 years!! From he was 8 to 18 and then he movied out! So don't say that you don't know!" Roland just walked over to Ellen and hit her right in the face and told her to shut up then he walked back to us and Henrike turned to Ellen and yelled " You know?!!! and you didn't do anything!! What's wrong with you!!" Ellen just cried " I'm so sorry! I was scared!" Henrik yelled " What the hell do you think I was then?!!! He told me if I didn't do as he said then he would kill you first and then me!! So I did it for you and then you knew and didn't do anything!!! I should just had let him kill you!!" Ellen didn't answer, Roland said " Take it easy son! " Henrik yelled " You have no idea how hard it has been for me to keep this inside of me all this years!! I had nightmares about what you did to me for years and I still do sometimes!! You destroied my life for years!! I will kill you!!" Roland said angry " Good that's what I wanted! Well kill me then, because I would probaly kill you first, I have a gun!" I said quit to Henrik " Maybe we should leave" Henrik said " Yes we should before I do something I will get in prison for!" Henrik walked by his father and then when I was going to pass him. He took a hard grip around my arm and pushed me into the wall, and then he started to kiss me aginst my will and touch my boob inside of my bra, when Henrik saw that he just pulled his father back and started to hit him, he fell down on the floor and Henrik just continued, he was bleading alot from his face, but he continued anyway, I took a grip on his arm and told him that he should stop and the we was leaving ,he acutallu listen. If I hadn't done that then he had proably killed him. Before we walked throw the door Roland just sat up and looked at us with his bloody face and gave out a smile, Henrik was on his was to turne around agian but i just draged him with me.

On the way to the car he asked me if I was okay,and I nooded. What's wrong which is fucking that I just feel to go back in and kill him!!!!
When we sat down in the car and started to drive we didn't say anything, I parked by a little wood just so I could clear my head about what had just happend. We sat there in silence for a few minuts then Henrik opend his door and run ito the forest alittle and stopped. Then he started to hit a tree the hardest he could with his fists. I walked out the car and walked slowly closer I heard him talking to himself while he was hiting on the tree and saying angry " I'm so fucking stupied, of cours she knew! Everything is just my fauilt! " When I was behind him I put my hand on his back and strok it then he turned around and he started to cry like a baby, I just put my arm around his neck and the other one back on his head and pushed his head down on my shoulder, where he cried even more. I feelt so bad for him!
He cried for more then 10 minuts when he started to come down I said " It's not your fauilt you didn't do anything wrong you where just a kid " He said " I should of stopped him and said no and not beeing such a pussy" I said " I don't think that would of helped, maybe just made it worse. " We let go of the hug I looked at his hands who was all bloddy from all the hitting on his father and on the tree, we walked to the car again and drived to the hotel.

I helped him wash his hands, then he took a cold shower. When he walked out from the bathroom he looked so much more relived and alittle happier. Since it was dinner time he asked if we should go and eat that dinner he had promised me. I asked if he was hungry and he laugted and said " I tohught you knew that I'm always hungry. " I looked down at the floor then he said " But you are not right? Is that why you look so skinny? " I sign and said " I don't think you should have to hear about my problem today" He said " Yes I do, and maybe it even will make me think about something else " So I told him everything about the throwing up, the 17 kg and that I can't eat and so on. Henrik got worried and said we need to fix this when we got home but i said " No we don't I can do it myself. But plese can we talk about this later" Henrik said " Fine but we will talk about it. " We walked down to the resturante to eat. Henrik forced me to order something so I ordered a salad which made him alittle more happy. He started to eat and he orderd in a wine bottle and we talked, i eat a few bits but that was it. Henrik looked at my plaite but he didn't say anything. When we had dinner we walked back up to the hotel room Henrik opend up a bottle of wine and we laied down on my bed and talked about something who wasn't that depressing, so we laughted and talked. Then I called Jensen it was great to hear his voice again! I asked Henrik if i could tell him about everything and Henrik said " Of course when he is so nice to let me borrow you for two days then he ofcourse have to know why " I told Jensen everything except that thing with me and Roland, because if he found out about that I knew he would come her and kill him, which I didn't really wanted. Then he said that Madde was laing in our bed ready to sleep next to him or talk. We talked for like an hour or so it was so nice. Then he said " I miss you so much that it hurts " I said " I know how you feel, it feels like half of me is missing and I can't find it intill I'm with you again " He said " That's how I feel too. I love you with all my heart you are my life " I said " I love you too! I can't wait intill I got to see you tomorrow again! Say hello to Madde to and that I miss her and love her very much too! See you and talk to yo tomorrow!" He said " I will! bye sweetheart! " Then we hang up and me and Hnerik talked for awhile longer. Then we realize what the time was it was over 3 a clock so he walked up from my bed and started to undress himself for bed. I had almsot forgotten how sexy he is with out clothes, it's crazy! Henrik smiled and asked what I was looking at, I looked away from his body and said " nothing" We both layied down in bed.

After an hour Henrik whisperd" are you sleeping?" I said " No I can't " He told me couldn't eiether, so he walked up from the bed in just his boxers and pored up another glass of wine to him and he aske if I wanted more,I said " Just a little, I really shouldn't drink anymore " He pored up in my glass and sat down on my bedside, I walked up and took the glass and sat down next to him. He said " If you like I can be your home docter as Madde said, but I'm not really an expert in this kind of subjcet, so you proably would be better with another docter, but i can read about it and do my best " I said " I don't want another docter,and I don't need help either" He said camly " Okay if you say so, but just think about it alittle that's all I'm asking" I promised to do that, he looked me into the eyes and said " good, I'm worried about you" He was still looking really deep into my eyes and he started to move his head closer to mine. He put his hand on the back of my head and pulled me closer, he opend his lips alittle and so did I and just before he kissed me I turned away my head and said " Henrik I can't do this! This is wrong! " He let go of my head and he said " I know, I'm so sorry I'm just sad" I sign and said " I know you are" I gave him a hug and strok him on his bare back. Then we laied down on my bed and started to talk again, which we did all night.

In the morning I to a shower and got dressed and so did he. We walked down to breakfast and I just drank a coupe of coffie but he didn't say anything.
After that we drove round alittle and he showed me where he went to school and alot of other things. Then we parked in the city and I went shopping like I always do when I'm at some new place. Since Henrik is a guy he just thought it was boring, but I didn't care but he was nice to follow me around anyway and carry my bags. And at fiveis we left to go to the airport, the plane was going to leave at seven. So we sat there and waited, all the sudded he gave me a hug and said " I'm so glad that you came with me, thank you! And I'm sorry about last night" I said " No problem, I will always be there for you. I know youo are and so am I, but we didn't do anything" He smiled and said " Thanks again!"

We walked on the airport and flow home, where we waitied on our bags and we sat down in the car. On the way to my house I said " You know if you need to talk call me when ever day or night, promis" He said " I promis. And I'm also sorry for that with my dad " I said " It's not your fauilt, he is an adult and then he should be abel to take responsebility for his own actions. Henrik all this with you parents, nothing is your fauilt, you know that right? " He said " maybe " I said " You didn't do anything wrong, it's not your fauilt that your father hit you every night and then raped you didn't do anything wrong he did and it's not your fauilt that your mum was to cowared to do anything, you where just a kid. Don't listen to your father, you are an amazing person, you are kind, considerate, loyal, funny guy, which a great job that you have been working you ass of to get too and you are good at it so he should be prouved of you. I would be if I had a son like you. Because you are a amazing and I know I always can talk to you about everything, and plus you so fucking sexy so I sometimes just want to ripe you closed off, and you know I'm not the only one who thinks that " He smiled and said " You are right it's not my fauilt, but it's hard to not think that, but I have to try to think that it's not. And thanks for all those nice things, I don't desrve all those nice words from you " I said " Good, try if you want to talk then just call. I didn't say them to be nice I said then because it's true and I know you know that too. " He smiled and stopped the car outside my house, he helped me inside with the bags. Jensen and Madde came running down the stairs, Jensen gave a big hug and long amazing kiss! Madde gave me a hug. Henrik said to Jensen " Thanks for letting me borrow your girlfriend, she is amazing and I would never had done it without her" Jensen kissed my head and put my arm around my shoulder and said " Yes I know she is, I'm so lucky! I'm sorry man for what happend with your parents " Henrik said " Yeah thanks, well it time for me to go " I walked out from Jensens arm and huged Henrik and said " Remebre what you promised to call me if you wanted to talk, and also remeber not you fauilt" He said " I know, see you later because we are going to fix this with you too " I just said bye and didn't asnwer to that.

Then Jensen and I walked up to my room and he said " I'm so happy to see you, and I'm so horny!" I laughted and said " maybe I can help you with that " I locked
the door and then I kissed him and put my hands inside of his boxers. But then someone pulled down the knob but since itw as locked I didn't answer. Then I heard Mys voice who was really happy " Tove are you home again? I know you two are in there I saw you " I sign and gave Jensen one last kiss and pulled my hand up from his pants and unlocked the door and let her in. She gave me a big hug.

Then she said " I don't like Henrik, I like Jensen " Jensen picked her up and I said " Well I like Henrik and Jensen in diffrent ways, it's complicated " My sign " You always say that " We laughted and I gave her a kiss on then Jensen a kiss. My said " EW! But it's almost like you kissed me, since Tove kissed me first and the you " Jensen smiled and said " Yeah almost, but why can't I get a kiss just from you then? " She said " Because I don't kiss boys and I never will " Jensen alughted and said " Well I'm not a boy I'm a strong big man " I laughted and said " That we can discuss sometimes " He looked at me and gave me a fake evil look and then he smiled and said to My " So? " My said " Maybe I die from guy germs" Then me and Jensen laugted and Jensen said " Then your sister would of been death by now " My said " Maybe later. Can't you two play with me? " Jensen gave her a kiss on her head and said " Sure, what are we playing? " My thougt and said " Hide and seek, Tove seeks and we hide " She told me to count to 20, they ran away and I started to unpack and slowly counted to 20. after a while I walked out of my room to find them, after a while I found My in the bathtub in one of the batrooms and she helped me find Jensen which was kind of hard. But after a while we found him sitting in Maddes room talking. I said " You suck at this game if you call this a hiding place " he laughted and said " well even though you think this is a bad hiding space it took you a really long time to find me, so If some one is bad at this game it's you " I just told him to shut up, then My told us to go and hind which we did. We played with her for like an hour then she had to go to sleep. My came and said goodnight to me and gave me a hug and then she asked Jensen if he wanted to tell her the night story, which he glady did.

While Jensen was with My my phone rang and it was Zara. The first thing she said was " What the hell do you think you are doing?!" I got confused and asked what she meant. She said " You are not eating! 17 kg!! Are you stupied!" I sign and said " Oh that, it's complicated. " She told me that Nico had told her everything that Madde knew with probably was everything. Then she said worried " Tove you need to eat, I'm worried and so is Sara " I said " I know you are and so am I. But it will be okay " She said " I really hope so, you need help " I said " No I don't.. So how are things with you and Nico then? " Zara said " Don't change subject on me!" I said " Sorry but I don't know what to say about this, you al ready know everything and that is everything I know too " She said " So you don't know why you can't eat yet?" I told her no, then she said " I'm so worried" I said " Yeah I know. Can I change subject now and ask how it is between you and Nico? " She sign and said " Yes why not. It's not good, it feel like all we do is fight now, which isn't us at all, before all this we almost never fought, but now... That's all we do. And it still feels like I can't say what I think and feel beacause he will just say something that she needs him and all that. And apprently he is just staying here with me and the kids just because Madde told him too, which dosn't feel that good either. Everything is just really messed up, and the kids is starting to get worried even though we try not to fight when they are around, but it's not so easy since they are use to see us inlove, kissing and huging and this not really what we are doing now. " I said " I can't belive all this got so messed up. I can't belive he said that he's just staing with you beacuse Madde said so! That's so wrong!! You are going to make throw this right? You two have alwasy been like the perfect couple that everyone has been jealous off I can't belive Nico let's one person destroy that. Can't you just try to tell him what you feel camly? Maybe it would help. Since it right now seems like he rather listen too Madde right now. " She said " I hate this! I hate to fight with the people I love the most, even thought I starting to doubt that he loves me us much as he loves Madde. Yeah I know it's wrong, but he dosn't seems to reagreat that he said it either, it feel like he's blaming me about that we are fighting... I hope we will get throw this, I really do! I don't know if I can survive otherwise, even though I don't think Nico would care if I die, yeah I will talk to him I have too and tell him everything before he leaves. " I said " He loves you otherwise he's fucking asshole! It's not your fauilt,it's more his faulilt then your fauilt, I can't belive him!! Zara don't be stupied, of course he will care if you die! Which you are not going to do!" Zara said " Maybe he is.. yeah maybe, I know that it's not just my fauilt anyway. Okay maybe he would care but not as much as if Madde died. Honestly I think he loves her more... which isn't right! The only people he should love more then me is our kids, and then me and then maybe Madde. It shouldn't be kids, Madde and me, or me and Madde at the same level. " I said " Talk to him about it and don't be scared and if you want to talk call me " She said " Yeah I think I have too... thanks. " Then she told me that she needed to go and we said goodbye.

When I had talked with zara Jensen came back and we walked down stairs, but when we got to the hallway a cring Jessica ran throw the front door and upstairs. I let go of Jensens hand and walked after her. I knocked on her door but she didn't answer but I walked in anyway, she was laying on her bed buried her face in her pillow crying.
I layied myself down next to her and strok her back. When she finally had calmed down a little I asked what was wrong and she looked up at me and said sobeing " I saw Mikael holding another girls hand! You should be happy now!" I said " Ofcourse I'm not happy, I never wish for this. I'm so sorry honey" Jess said " She was blond and so much more beautiful then I'm! Maybe I should dye my hair blond and use blue contacts and start to dress more daring! Why can't I have your eyes, they are perfect, blue and big and deep! Why do I have to have brown eyes!! " I said " Jess come on you are beauiful as you are! And if you can have my eyes can I have your boobs then? " Jess said " And my boobs are to smal too! I look awful!! I'm not beautful!! You have no idea how I feel so shut up!!" I said " Of course I know how you feel, I have also had my heart broken, many times. For example that time when my husband get himself a girlfriend and made her preganate, that didn't feel so good either " Jess said " Sorry... But you don't have his kinds of problem, you are beautiful and perfect!" I said " What?! I'm not perfect, and you are as beauitiful as I'm or even more. " Jess said " You are perfect and you have a perfect boyfreind and everything is great " I said " I can find so much things that is wrong with me so I can't even count them, and yes he is perfect. So I know how you feel, I have said the same thing as you have thet I should dye my hair blond and get a boobe job and all that, just because Madde got all the guys. But I have finelly start realizing that the problem isn't how you look it's if you ahve self-confided or not. Jess you are so beautiful and and amazing young woman, and if Mikale can't realize that then it's something wrong with him not you" She sign and said " Maybe you are right.. it's just hurt so much I really liked him... " I gave her a hug and she started to cry again and I said " I know you did honey.. "
Then we laied ther talking for a while longer and I promised her to hand out tomorrow so she could think about something else.

Well now I have to go, I have a horny boyfriend by my side in bed, and right now his hand is inside of my panties. ;) Have a great night, I will anyway!
Sexy Kisses
From Tove