Emotions..

Hey guys!

Well I don't really know what to say shortly about this day because it have been a pretty emotional day for many diffrent resons. So insted of just writing some crap just to say something let me tell you about the day instead.

Well when I woke up this morning the sun was shining throw the window straight on the bed and into my eyes, but I didn't care I was just happy to see light and a sign of warmth and summer. Then I looked at the gorgous man next to me which made me smile and feel that amazing feeling inside of me which is hard to explaine with words because it's just so amazing! Everyone that have been inlove for real knews what I'm talking about I think, I'm like the luckiest woman in the world to have this amazing man by my side trow tears and joy, he is incredeble and I love him with all my heart and soul. He was still asleep so peacefully and beautiful, I lied myself on the side so I was facing him. Then I let my fingertips gently touch his beatiful face, from the temple down to his chin. I could feel his stubble under my fingertips, but even thought it was there making his skin a little rough he was still soft as velvet. My fingers wander over to his ear and started to softly massage it, he started to move a little and then he slowly opend up his tired eyes and looked straight into my eyes. He smiled and I of course smiled back while I countinued massage his ear, then he said " Good morning beautiful. I love you way to wake me up you always make me so happy. " I smiled and said " good morning to you too. I'm glad to hear that handsome. " I moved my hand from his ears and placed it on his cheek instead and slowly movedmy head closer to his while my eyes was looking straight into his, we opend our lips a little and gently pressed our lips agianst each others. It was an amzing kiss I was filled with love and passion it was just fantastic! When our lips parted I smiled and said " I love you and I'm so lucky to have you. " He strok my arm and said " I love you too honey and I'm just as lucky. " then it knoked on the door and Jensen said come in so the door opend up and there stood a really sad and weak girl, she closed the door behind her and looked straight into the floor. Both me and Jensen sat up in the bed with worring eyes and looked at Maja, I could see she dried a tear away from her cheek. I walked up from the bed and over to her then I wrapped my arms around her which made her cry even more, and we just stood there for a while. Then I kissed her forhead and took her hand and lead her towards the bed. Maja looked at Jensen a little and he just held out his arms towards her and she just ran straigt into them and hugged him and she started to cry again. I sat down on the bed again and strok her back. When she had calm down a little they let go and she dried a few tears away from her eyes and I took her hand and said " What's wrong honey? " She said sobing " Dad is coming home.. " more tears started to roll down her cheek and then she countinue saying " Dad is coming home on sunday.. he sent me a mail and want me home on sunday afternoon.. I.. I don't know.. " then she brust out crying again and burried her face in her hands. I meet Jensens eyes and I could see his anger but at the same time his worry and I felt exatlly the same.. I pulled her into my arms again and she cried against my shoulder, then I lied down in the bed and she just followed me and Jensen also lied down and stroke her back. I kissed her head and said " Evereything will work out and be fine I promise. " Maja looked up at me and said crying " How?! " I sign and stroke her wet cheek and said " I don't know.. but what I do know is that we will do everything we can for you because you are in this family now and we all love you so much and we would do anything for you, so I know that everything will be great in one way or another. I would never let him hurt you again not physically or mentally. You are an amazing beautiful young woman that I'm so proud of and I know will grow up to become this amazing woman that will care about everyone and everything before herself, and that everyone will love. Maja don't listen to what Eddie say about you, because that is a just a big fat lie what I tell you us the truth.. " Maja dried away a few tears and said " Thanks and I love you too I just wish I could stay here.. and maybe dad is right I'm worthless nothing to have because I'm ugly and horrible.. " I looked at her but then Jensen said " Maja he is wrong so wrong. " She just shook her head so I said " maja answer me this who do think is the most handsome and amazing man in this world? " Maja looked at Jensen shyly and I said " Yeah Jensen, then if he is tell you that Eddie is wrong then trust him honey.. " Maja looked at Jensen and said " I do trust you.. it's just hard not to belive everything he have told me isn't true after all this years.. " Jensen took her hand and said " Maja you are an amazing girl that I love so much and admire. You are intelligent, beacutiful and abouslty amazing young woman that I know will succeed in life because what every you decied to do you always make it with so much love and determination. " Maja smiled a little and said " Admire? for what? " Jensen said " For being such a amazing person after everything you been throw..for being so strong, brave and sweeit person that is just impossible not to love when I really got to know you. " She gave him a hug and said " I love you too Jensen. " he smiled and kissed her cheek and when they let go she looked so much calmer even thought I still could see the fear in her eyes.. I stroke her hair and said " Have you been sleeing anything at all? " Maja said " no.. or maybe a couple of hours.. I was so scared and sad.. " I kissed her forhead and said " Do you want to sleep with me and Jensen tonight? Or just with me or just with Jensen? " Maja nodded and said " If you guys don't mind me sleeping here with you guys? " Jensen dried a tear away from her cheek and said " Of course not honey we love to have you here. " She smiled and then I said " Just so you know you might be woken up from a screming baby. " She laughed and said " I think I survive. " I laughed and said " I think so too. " I kissed her cheek and said " Honey if you ever want to talk I'm here.. okay? " She nodded and said" how are you guys going to fix this? " I shook my head and said " I don't know yet.. it feels wrong to talk to mum about this since she is feel like she is so I think I'm going to ask Madde to call Pontus. " Maja nodded and said " Do I have to go back theer on sunday? " I stroke her cheek and said " I hope not.. but maybe. But then it's just to call anyone off us if something happends or you just need to talk or something. " She nodded and we just sat there a while.

Then Dennie woke up, Maja smiled and said " I got her. " She walked up from the bed and walked over to Dennies cribe and she was crowling happly, Maja picked her up and plaied with her a little then she put her in my arms and I just smiled and kissed Dennies head and said " Good morning my little angle. " Dennie just looked at me with her big beautiful blue eyes and smiled then Jensen stroke her cheek and said to me " So have Madde seen you feed her yet? " I nodded and said " Yeah but I still don't get why everyone think it's so beautiful when she is sucking on my nipples, especially not her I mean she don't even like kids.. " jensen laughed and said " You think to much sometimes. " I just laughed and hit is arm and said " She also thinks it's hard to understand that I'm mom, she see me like that young innocent Tove that wouldn't even think about a baby, but like she said that isn't me anymore. I have change so much this past year and it feels like it's to the better or that is what I hope anyway. Before I was that party girl that would do anything for a night out with guys and booze and now I don't know what I'm yet.. " Jensen smiled and said " Madde is so right it's not you anymore and you have change so much and to the better. Yeah before you was the party girl as you still can be sometimes but not that often anymore and now you are this amazing woman that loves more then ever to me a mom and be with everyone else you love. " I smiled and gave him a kiss and said " You think so? " He smiled and said " I know so. " then I said " But I acutally feel like going out some night when things around here have calm down, then I will drag Madde out. " Jensen laughed and kissed me again then Maja said " you guys are just so cute.. maybe to cute. " We laughed and I said " You sound like Madde. " Maja laughed and said " she is a smart woman. " Jensen just grabbed her and started to tickle her and she laughed and laughed. When he stopped he looked at her and said " You are even worse then your sister. " Maja just hit him playfully on the arm and got up from the bed Jensen just laughed then he looked at me and then Maja and said " Breakfast? " We nodded and I said " I just need to give our daughther something to eat I be down in a few minuts. " Jensen nodded and gave me another kiss and then he gave Dennie a kiss too. He walked up from the bed and put on a pair of softy pants and I was just looking at his gorgous naked back which made me smile, then Jensen put his arms around Majas shoulders and they left the room. I lied the pillows as I wanted them and len back towards them in the bed and started to feed Dennie. Then all the sudden it knocked on the door and before I even had the chnace to say or do anything the door flow opend and in ran My and behind her was Tim and Johan. My ran over to the bed and I couldn't do anything since Dennie was still eating, and when Johan notice what I was doing he just tured around and walked out of there and said he was sorry. Tim smiled and said " She is just so cute when she eats. " He walked over to us and stroke her head and I looked at him angry and said " Tim leave! I don't want my brother to see my boobs!!" He just said fine and nicely walked out of there. My looked at dennie with confused eyes and said " What is she dping?!" I sign and said " Eating. " My said even more confused " she is eating your boob? " I laughed a little and said " No, she eating what's inside my boobs which is milk. " My said " Why dosn't she just drink the milk we buy from a glass? And how dose it get into you? " I sign and said " because it's not the same kind of nutrient in that milk, it's complicated, just as how it is inside of me but let's make the story short. When a woman get pregnate many things happend to her body to get ready to have a baby and to be able to take care off it and that's why I can feed her. " My said " So you are like a cow? " I laughed and said " yeah whatever. " Then she said " Dose it hurt? " I said " No not at all. " My said " it looks strange.. " I said " Whn you where a baby you eat like this too on our mum. " She just looked at me like I was insane and I could see she didn't belive me, then she just sat there looking at us.

Then I put on some clothes and took dennie and My with me downstairs to eat breakfast, everyone was all reday siting there eating and said good moning I smiled and said god morning. Then I sat down next to Jensen and gave him a kiss, he poured up a cup off coffee to me and I started to eat drink. After breakfast I went upstairs and took a shower and got dressed and also got Dennie dressed in a cute little dress. Then I went downstaris and found Jensen in the kitchen talking to Tim and Jared, I gave him a kiss and he smiled and said " She lookes adorble in that dress. And you look so beautiful and sexy. " I smiled and kissed him again then I said " I'm going to make Madde a visit to talk about that with Eddie... " Jensen nodded, Tim and Jared looked confused and asked what was going on and I said " Jensen can tell you and that man our woman that will do something stupid like go after him then I will kill that person!" Then I gave him a last kiss and took Dennie with me and walked over to Zara and Nickys place.. and maybe Maddes too? Well anyway when I got there I parked the stroller outside and Dennie was a sleep so since it was such a beautiful weather I thought it would be good for her to sleep outside for an hour then I knocked on the door and David opend thed door and he smiled and told me to come in. Then he said " Mom is in the livingroom I think. " I nodded and said " So what'ts up with you? What are you doing today? " he smiled and said " Filippa is here.. " I smiled and said " Oh so you have your girlfreind here, then I should just stop talking and let you go. " He smiled and said " It's okay. " I ran my fingers throw his hair and said " You are sweeit. Run upstairs to your girlfreind now. " he nodded and ran off, then i walked towards the livingroom and I saw Zara sitting in the couch and she looked kind of sad.. I walked closer and knocked on the doorway and she fast dried a few tears away with her hand and put a photo on the table, then she looked at me and tried to smiled and I said " Do you want to be alone? " She said " No don't be silly, come in. " I walked over to her and sat down next to her in the sofa, she smiled slightly towards me. I looked at the picture she had put on the table and saw a sweeit, inncent and absoululy beauiful boy who was around 7 years old and he was smiling and making some funny pose and he was just happy... Anton was such an amazing boy and it still is so hard to understand that he isn't here anymore.. Zara saw I was looking at it and she said " Useally when I look at him or think about him I get happy to remebere all the amazing things about him and I'm so happy that I got to know that amazing boy that he was and be around him everyday and be a huge part of his life, I'm so thankful for that.. " I took her hand and she looked at me and tried to smile a little then I said " It would have been is birthday tomorrow right? " Zara nodded and said " yeah.. he would have become 15...this whole week is pretty rough for me because I get pretty stressed up and I'm fear tomorrow like I always do.. it's not suppose to be like this, the 8th of January 1995 was one of the happies days in my life because then my son got born on a cold stormy sunday morning and everything was just perfect I was so happy.. so the 8th of January should be one of the best days in my life but instead it's my biggest nightmare.. just as that day when he.. died.. and his funrel day that is also horrible.. after that die he died life never gets the same.. " I looked at her and a tear rolled down her beautiful face that she dried away with her hand and I said " I'm so sorry Zara, I really really am.. I wish it was something I could do.. " Zara smiled slightly and said " You are helping. " I said " I can not even imagen what you are going trow and your family.. how are the kids?" She said " Well Emma is having a really hard time too.. I haven't even seen her today she is sitting in her room I think Jocke is there too which is good she needs her best freind right now.. Kim and David is also a little down but they don't really rembere him as Emma do. David was 2 years old and Kim was 5 when it happend mean while Emma was 8..so it's pretty hard for them and for Nicky of course too. " I nodded and said " So how are you going to get trow the day tomorrow then? " Zara sign and said " I useally go by his grave and give him some birthday presents and flowers and just stay there talking with him for a while.. then I don't know.. but it will proably be a few tears..But after dinner with the family I useally calm down and try to do something else to get my mind somewhere else." I stroke her cheek and said " You know I'm here for you if you need me and so is everyone else in our family because we love you and would do anything for you even thought maybe it's not so much to do.. and now you have Madde who loves you so much more then any words can say, and I know she wants to be here for you tomorrow and today and every other day and help the best she can, just to listen, or hug you or whatever you feel like you need at that moment. Let her be there for you..don't be scared to opend up for her. " Zara dried another tear away and said " I won't.. I want her to be there for me tomorrow all day long, follow me to the grave and dragged me away from there after hours so I won't freez to death, I will talk to her or try anyway.. I havn't told her about this today because she left pretty early and it didn't really hit me intill I got alone and I got the horrible time to think about everything.. but I will tell her..you know for that first year when he died everything is kind of in a blur, it was like living inside of a fishbowl so trapped in my own pain and sorrow. I swimed up for air in that fishbowl to breath and then I sank like a stone to the ground again. Everyday was like the most horrible nightmare that I was just hopeing to wae up from but I knew that was not possble so I didn't even think that I would survive , but somehow I did. I was like living in trance, I was walking around but it wasn't me.. I often asked myself how in hell I would be able to come back to life again but I never got an answer.. then all I thought was how can I countinue liveing without my child that I love more then I can even decribe. I remebere how I sat in the kitchen rocking the chair back and forth while I barried my face in my hands.. and I was just wondering how long it would be before I was going to be put in a mental hospital with a strait-jacket and druged with diffrent anti-depressants and sleeping medicine.. and to be honest that was almost what I wanted back then.. and even though people told me I was strong which I just thought was totally insane. I was crawling at ground as far down as possible, I tried to stand but I just fall down again. Everyday it feelt like a knife was slowly and paintfully stabing every organ in my body over and over again. Many days I was lying over my sons grave in the cold snowstormy and rainy days screaming out my pain, I didn't want to live all I wanted was to die. So I didn't understand how people could me strong who didn't even wanted to live and had hit rock buttom, how could I be strong? But today with the keys in my hand I have realized that maybe I was pretty strong because I dared to fall straigt down to hell and because I was abel to do that I could slowly start claming back up which maybe makes me strong. Right now I'm almost not scared of anything because my worse nightmare have all reday happend towards me. I miss him every minut but I think he is with me if not he is always in my heart. What really helped me was that I started to write about my feelings and what I was thinking because it was to much to just let everything out, so I think that was a big help just as my amazing freinds and family were and you all tried to do your best but I knew it was just me who could get out of this but I didn't know how.. my mind was mostly just concentrating how to kill myself in the most painful way because I wanted to feel it every little muscel and organ which was going to stop working.. It's my fauilt he is lying in that grave.. if I just picked him up that day.. I think I will always blame myself no matter what everyone is telling me, I can honestly say that I feel guilty for everything that have happend and that was why I rather would just have staied down in hell, but I had three other kids left that I also loved and that needed me. But to be totally honest when I was so down in myself and my pain I didn't even think about them all I wanted was to die.. " Zara dried a few tears away and tears was also rolling down my cheeks and I didn't know what to say because there wasn't anything to say so I just squeezed her hand even harder and then she said " I think I have over 15 not pads from that time mylife, I have never read them myself of let anyone else read them.. I wanted to wait intill I was ready to read my own words that was writen with pain and tears, because now I'm stronger and in a better place and stage of mind so I know I can handle the pain and deal with it better this time, and just a few steps a time to read maybe 10 pages at the time or maybe even less.. I think this is something I need to do and since last year was a pretty hard year for me too I waited then but now I'm finally happy with my amazing girl friend. So I thought I should ask if she wanted to read my note pads with me and share my feelings as good as she can.. I love her so much. I can tell you that my feelings for Madde have made my feelings for Nicky to almost disappear, I love him I do so much but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore and that feel amazing now I can give my whole heart to just Madde and that makes me so happy. She is an amazing woman that I would do anything for and maybe someday wants to marry, She makes my days worse living. " I stroke her cheek and said " I think she would love to share that with you if that is what you want even though she will never understand what you have gone throw and is going throw as no one else of will either maybe Nicky or Jonas but I mean they are not a mum that carried teh baby inside of you for 9 month.. " Zara said " yeah but I have acutally never even concider sharing my inner thoughts that is in those books with anyone before not even Nicky even though I have thought about reading them myself, but now with Madde it just feels right. " I said " I'm so happy that you feel this way about Madde, I know you where in love with her but not this strong feelings and maybe someday you will get married and I can see how happy you are with her and how happy she is with you and you both deserve that, and I love you both so much. " She dried her tears away and I just put my arms around her and pulled her into a hug and she hugged me back. When I let go I kissed her cheek and said " I'm so sorry that you have gone throw this, but I'm so happy that you is still on this earth alive what would I have done with out you. You are amazing and I love you so much. " She smiled slightly and said " I love you too honey. " I took her hand again and said " Where is your amazing girlfriend then? " She smiled and said " she left early this morning but she didn't want to tell me where she was going.. I think she is planing something. " I smiled and said " aww so cute. " She just laughed a little then I said " I should proably go now because Dennie is sleeping in the stroller outside, if you don't want companie of course? " She said " No you go, I have to go and talk to my kids esepcially Emma and see how she is doing.. then go and buy some gifts to Anton.. " I said " You are sure you don't want me to stay? " She nodded and gave me another hug and said " Thanks for listing. " I looked into her blue eyes and said " Anytime. " Then I gave her a last kiss and we said good bye and I got dressed and walke dout to Dennie which still was a sleep and we started to walked home.


When I got home I didn't really know what to feel but I went up stairs to mine and Jensens room and he wasn't there. So I put Dennie in her bed instead and after that the door opend up and a laughing Jared,Jensen and Maja walked throw the door, Jensen walked over to me and gave me a kiss and I gave Jared a hug and Maja too and asked what they had been doing, Jared said laughing " Not of your business wifie!" I just gave him my evil eye and he just laughed even more. Then I said " Jared can I talk to you? " He nodded and we walked into his room and sat down on his bed and I said " How you doing? " He smiled and said " I'm good thanks. " I said " jared you ahve never lied to me so please don't start now.. how are you really doing? with madde and all that? " He said " I'm acutally feel great. I miss her alot I do but I can see how happy she is right now and that makes me happy for her and Zara of course too. So I'm really mean that I'm great. " I said " Then I'm glad to here that. " he smiled and said " Tove you worry to much but I'm kind of glad you do too because you have helped me so many times to get it out of me how I really feel and that have helped me so thank you. " I smiled and said " Well you have helped me too so thank you . " He smiled and gave me a hug and then I said " Madde is worried that you will go back to Usa.." He said " Not right now anyway.. I have my best freinds here. And I acutally have a date tonight." I looked at him with big eyes and smiled and said " You do? Who is the lucky woman? " He smiled and said " I'm not going to tell you sorry not yet anyway.. but I think I acutlly like her.. " I smiled and said "That is good. So what are you guys going to do? " He said " Since I'm not a romantice guy at all I couldn't come up with anyhing good to do on a first date.. so we will go out for dinner and then we will see what we will do maybe go to a movie or just sit and talk. " I laughed and said " You should asked your best freind he knows a few things about romance, but your date sounds like a good first date. So you are really happy? " He said " Maybe I should have done that.. and yes Tove I'm, I would never be able to lie to you after all this years . " I said " That is true.. I'm so glad you are happy you deserve it just as Madde dose. " He smiled and then he said " You think she will be okay by me dateing? " I said " I really hope so otherwise it will be really unfear to both you and zara.. and if you can be truelly happy for her as I know you are now then why shouldn't she be able to be that for you? But I know she would never stop you for dating because she knews that then she would loose Zara and maybe even you." He nodded and said " I hope you are right, because I love Madde I do and miss her but aslong as she is happy as I can see she is then I'm happy. And like I siad I really like haning out with this woman I'm going on a date with tonight. " I gave him a hug and said " I know Jare, you are an amazing man. " he smiled and kissed my cheek then he said " I really should go and get reday now.. I have no idea what to wear can you please help me? " I smiled and said " Of course let's do this. " He went into the shower and when he came out of there he was just wearing a towel around his waist, but I barely didn't notcie before he laughed and said " Are you sick aren't looking at my abs?!" I looked at him and said " No I'm not, I'm happly... married to the man I love the most so I don't need to look at you. " he smiled and said " I'm so happy for both of you guys you deserve it. " I smiled and said " Thank you Jared. " he smiled and he looked at the bed where I had lied out what he was going to wear on the date, he strated to get dressed and he looked so handsome. I smiled and said " You look good. " he smiled and said " Thanks, and then I mean for the help too. " he gave me a hug and said " Now I should be going." I nodded and said " have a great time and I want to here all about it tonight. " he laughed and said " I'm not a woman so no you will not hear everything about it. " I laughd and said " We just have to see about that. " Then I walked back to mine and Jensen room where Maja and Jensne was playing cards on the bed. I sat down on the bed too and they asked if I wanted to join them but right then Johan called that it was dinner so we walked downstairs. The food tasted amazing like always but I have to say it still feels so empty without mom at the table..and I really miss her so much and just want her to come home.. but I couldn't visit her today either because she was going to be out of her room all day long to do some tests to see thats he really could go home in a couple days, so I really praying that everything will be great so she will be home with us as soon as possible.

So after Dinner we decied to watch a few movies with the whole family in the livingroom and eat a lot of popcorn which was all Johans idea but I liked it, I think it's good that we will all hang out and do something when things are like they are.. we watched Up which was a good movie I loved the bird Kevin and then a couple other movies that I don't rembere the name on. I looked at Maja and I could see how happy she was there with us being a family and I just wish she could stay.. but I don't know how.. but after three movies all the kids had fallen to sleep on after another, so Johan and Jensen carried them upstairs to there rooms and lied Maja down in our bed. I got undressed and so did Jensen and crawled down in the bed I kiss her cheek and whisperd to Jensen " I wish she could stay here for ever.. " He said " I know me too.. we have to fix this somehow.. she can't live with that ass.. " I said " I know.. " Then I rembere that I hadn't called Madde yet so I told Jensen I would be right back I sat down in the hallway on the floor and Ebba came and lie down next to me. I dialed Madeds numbere and stroke my beautiful dog, Madde picked up just after a few seconds and I told her evrything about Eddie and that he is coming home.. I could here how pissed off she got for every word I told her so I said camly " Madde honey.. please calm down for everyone sakes especially your girlfreinds.. " madde said " She will also be pissed off when I tell her and so will Nicky and Shane and everyone!" I said " I know.. but that won't help.. we can't do anything stupid because then her chances of moving her is gone. We just have to play calm and nice, but at the same time keep our eyes on him and call Maja all the time.. so please don't go and do something stupid and don't let Nicky do it either or anyone else.. promise me that?!" She didn't answer so I said " Madde just talk to Pontus and hear what we should do and then maybe we need to contact the welfare authorities.. and we need to tell mum I just don't want to worry her.. Madde still promise me?" madde sign and said " Fine! I promise! But that fucking dickhead is going down in someway!!" I said " yes he is but you will not be the one doing it!!" She almsot yelled " Fine!!" I took a deep breath to calm myself down and then I said" Good.. honey try to realax and we talk in the morning again..and tell Zara I'm thinking off her and her family.. " madde said " I will.. " I said " Love you honey. " She said " love you too and good night. " I smiled and said " Good night. " Then we hang up and then the front door opend downstair so I stoo dup and then Jared came walked up from the stairs, he smiled and so did I and I said " I unfurtently dosn't have that much time to talk.. Maja is sleeping in our bed with us.. but I have time to ask how wa sit? " he smiled and said " We had a great time, I do really like after just the first date. " i smiled and said " So it will be a second date? " he smiled and said " Yeah it will. " I walked over to him and gave him a hug and said " I'm happy for you Jared I'm glad you had a great evening. " We let go and he said " Good night Tove, I love you. " I smiled and said " I love you too, good night. " Then I went back into our room and crawled down. I gave Jensen a kiss and then I picked up the computer to blogg so here I'm.. but nwo I'm going to wrapp this up because Maja just woke up and I want to talk to here alittle and then sleep.

Madde will blogg tomorrow and I know she will take care of Zara as good as she can..
Well this day have been hard for many of my beloved sisters.. and tomorrow will be even harder especailly for one of them.. I just wish i was something I could do for both of them..
But now I really have to wrappe this up..
Have a good night sleep and see you later people!
Kisses Tove