Once again..

Hey guys!

Well around here everyone is still really worried about mum and I'm trying my best to be there for them and just keep myself busy and not to think so much..

Well let's start from the begning shall we?
I woke up in Jensens safe, strong and comforting arms wrapped around me. I took a deep breath and breathed in his amazing scent, I pressed my lips against his lower arm and then that amazing voice whipserd in my ear " Good morning love. " I smiled and let my finger tips gently move over his lower arm and said " Good morning to you too sexy. " He kissed my hair and I tured around so I faced him and he just smiled that incredible smile which made my heart took a few extra beats. I stroke his cheek and hair and we just laied there looking at each other for a while. Then he pressed his soft lips against mine and ut was just so amazing, when his lips let go of mine he stroke a lock of hair away from my face and said " So how are you doing? With Kristina and all that.. " I just looked down on the cover, then Jensen said " Tove I can see that you are worried and this is bothering you which I totally understand it's your mother and I'm also worried it's nothing wrong with that.. " I sign and said " I'm.. I'm fine.." Jensen took a grib on my chin and forced my head up and I looked at him and he said " I know you honey and I can see that you are not fine, I can also see that you are trying your best to make everyone belive you are fine. " I sign and said " Can't we just change subject.. I don't want to talk about this right now.. " He stroke my cheek and said " I'm here for you anytime, don't be scared of showing your feelings for me it's okay to cry. " I took a deep breath and closed my eyes while he took my hand in his, but then it knocked on the door which I was really greatful for. I opend my eyes and said come in, I gave Jensen a fast kiss and then I looked at the door and in steped Maja, she was still just wearing her sleeping clothes which where kind of cute. Both me and Jensen smiled and said good morning, Maja looked sad but she also said good morning. She just stood there next to the door and looked down into the floor, I sat up a little in the bed and said " What's wrong honey? " Maja didn't answer then Jensen reach out his hand towards her as a gesture that she should come over and said " Maja come here and crawl down in bed with us and tell us what's your mind, please? " She just looked at Jensen a little, so he walked up from the bed and over to her and pulled her into his arms and hugged her. When he let go he looked at her and said " Do you want to talk to Tove alone? " Maja shooked her head and said " No you can stay. " I said " Maja come here and give me a hug. " She crawled down in the bed and gave me a hug then she lied her head down on one of the pillows, Jensen lied down on her other side which I could see that she really didn't mind that. I lied on my side and stroke some hair away from her face and then all the sudden she said " How do you know that a guy likes you? " I smiled a little and said " Are you talking about Edwin? " She nodded and said " Yes I meet him and alot of other guys from my class last night when I was talking a walked with Ebba.. and I thought he would be happy to see me since that Disco but now he just ignored me while the other guys was laughing at me.. or he acutlly meet my eyes for a second while we passed each other.. " I took her hand and said " As you know I'm not an expert of this kind of things, but what I do know is that if he is acting like that and not defending you from all those idoits then he is nothing to have. You deserve a amazing guy not some kind of brat. But I know it's just not easy to forget a guy you like unfortunetly.. so do you want me to talk to them? " She shooked her head and said " No! That will just make it worse.. but I bet you don't know that you where probaly one of the popular girls in school with all the guys.. " I said " No trust me I wasn't, I was the one that they called geek and all guys laughed at and all the girls said mean things to, and every day they came up with something new to bully me for, I was to skinny, I had red hair, I hade funny ears, I had big eyes like a cow and so on and after all those years with all those words of course I started to belive them.. but I was fortune to have Madde by myside.. but then it was those days when Madde wasn't there she was sick or cute classes or was kissing some guy somewhere else.. then they took there chance and.. " I took a deep breath and Jensen laied his arm over Maja and took my hand and Maja looked at me worried and said " What did they do? " I sign and said " I have never told anyone this before, not Madde, not mom not anyone.. When Madde wasn't around they.. made a circle and put me in the middle and pused me around from person to person and everytime they pused me they told me something they hated about me.. sometimes I fell on the ground and then they just laughed. I got alot of cuts is my knees and elbows I still have a few scars left, I also got a lot of bruises, but since it didn't happend that often I just told mom if she was asking that I had fallen down from a horse.. " I could see how furious and sad jensen was at the same time I just stroke his hand and Maja kissed my cheek and said " I'm so sorry I had no idea.. they where idoits, and I know how you feel. " I let go of Jensen hand and stroke her cheek and said " I know and that's why I just wants to go and talk to thouse idoits.. but I understand that you don't want too because I wouldn't had want that too. " Maja took my hand and said " Thanks for understanding.." I said " But at the same time you can't live like this either.. maybe you should chnage school? " Maja said " I don't want too I think.. " I nodded and said " Just think about it, okay? " She nodded and then I said " Maybe Jensen can answer how an 11 year old boy thinks when he likes someone? " We looked at him and Jensen tried to calm down and smile a little and said " Well it was a few years ago since I was 11 but I can try.. guys can be a little sky, or do really stupid things that they think is cool to impress the girl they like, or they can tease and be mean, try to make eye contact or some guys just tell teh girl what they think. " I laughed and said " That isn't just 11 year old guys who act like that they still do sometimes. " Maja laughed and looked at Jensen and said " Is that what you did with Tove? " Jensen laughed a little and said " No, I just my charm and talked to her. " Maja said " Did you know that she feelt the same back then? " Jensen said " No I thought she hated me and that I was a pain in the ass because she kind of told me that. But I didn't get up. " I laughed and said " Sorry about that honey.. but to be honest you still can be a pain in the ass sometimes. " jensen laughed and said " hey watch it!" I laughed and said " Or you will do what? " He thoughr for a few seconds then he sad " i will.. kiss you till your lips get all soure. " All off us laughed and I said " What a threat! " Jensen said " Fine then I will tickel you instead!" I gave him my evil eye and said " No! You wouldn't dare!" Jensen smiled and walked up from the bed and around to my side and I just pulled the cover over my head and held it tight. But he easy pulled it of and astraddle over me and he held my arms so they couldn't move and he looked at Maja and said " I hold you tickle. " maja laughed and nooded and I looked at her and said " What have I ever done to you?!" She just laughed and so did Jensen and Maja started to tickles me and I laughed intill I cried and beged them to stop. After a few minutes they stopped and I was so pissed of at them but Jensen just smiled and gave me a kiss which of course made it harder to be angry with him. Then he rolled us around so I got on top and I stroke his amazing abs with my hand and started to kiss him, but then Maja cleared her throat and said " Hey! Little sister here!" We laughed and I got of Jensen and sat down on the middle of the bed. Then Jensen smiled and said " So Miss Alexandersson and Miss alexandersson what do say about breakfast in bed? " We smiled and Jensen stood up and put on a pair of pants, them Maja said smiling " You mean Mrs. Ackles. " Jensen smiled and put his index fingers over his lips and looked at Maja and whisperd " Shh.. I can't say that because then I get beat up by my angry wife. " Maja just laughed and I just stared at him angry and picked up my cerate from the night stand and throw it on him and I hit his arm and he just laughed and gave me a blow kiss then he left.

I looked at Maja who was sat up in the bed and lend aginst the pillows, then she said " How old was you when you had your first boyfriend? " I said " I was 14 so pretty old. Right now I just think Tim is an idoit but when I think about it he acutally helped me a lot.. he made me feel a little better about myself and made me feel specil and that I wasn't just a loser, so in someway he was pretty good for me. " Maja nodded and said " I will probaly never have a boyfreind.. I'm so ugly..I want to look like you, you are so beautiful and you should be embarressed to have me like your sister.. " I took her hand and looked into her eyes and said " Maja you are amazing and beautiful and not just on the outside on the inside too, and embarressed? You could have been ugly and look like a freak I would still not be embarressed for having you as my sister, I'm proud of having you in my family and as my little sister and nothing will chnage that. " I kissed her hand and she said " Thanks.. but I'm still ugly..horrible eyes, horrible nose, horrible lips, to red hair, I have ugly smile dimples, I have to long leggs.. I'm a freak.. " I said " You have wonderful eyes golden brown, they are beautiful, you have a cute little nose, your lips is just perfect lips they have the right colour and shape, what's wrong with your hair? That red hair is you, just as it is me, I also have smile dimples especially on my life side, and you know long legs isn't that whatever one wants to have? You are beautiful Maja I just hope you will relize that one day.. " Maja said " I wish I had your self confident about myself.. " I looked at her suprised and said " What? I don't have self confidence, that's the one thing that I really don't have.. " Maja said " What do you have to be unhappy with? You are perfect.. " I shooked my head and said " No I'm not trust me.. " Maja looked at me and said " What don't you like about yourself? " I sign and said " I hate my boobs they are to small.., I hate my ears because they stand out to much, I hate my scares I have from my operations and I hate that I'm this skinny.. that was just a few off them.. " Maja said " You are perfect you shouldn't think like that.. " I said " Neither should you, you are also perfect. " She just shooked her head then I pulled her up from the bed and put her infront of the mirror and I stood next to her and said " Do you think I'm ugly? " She looked at me like I was crazy and then she said " Of course not you are so beautiful. " I said " People have told us this last month how alike we are each other and I see it don't you? " She nodded and I said " So if I'm beautiful why aren't you? We have the same lips, nose, cheek bones, chin, smile dimples, hair and just everything. We have the same body shape almost I'm just a little more hips, ass and boobs because I'm older but otherwise we pretty alike. So how can you then say I'm beautiful when you don't think you are? " She just walked back to the bed and sat down and said " Dad always tell me that his other daughther is so much more beautiful then I ever will be and.. it's true.. " A tear rolled down her cheek I walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her and we sat there for a while then I said " What Eddie said is not true, I know it's hard to belive that he is lying because he is your dad, but sometimes parents can be idots to.. Maja when your parents come home do you want to go back? " She looked at me with red eyes and said carefully shooked her head and said " No.. but what choose do I have.. I can't live on my own I don't have any money, and grandma is to old to take care of me so I just need to go home.. " I stroke her cheek and said " I meant if it would be possible do you want to stay here with us? " Maja said " For how long? " I ran my fingers throw her hair and said " Forever. " Maja lighted up and smiled but after a few second it disappeard and she said " But what would Kristina say? " I smiled and said " I think she would love to have you here, she loves you. " Then Maja said " But what do we have to do to fix me staying here? " I sign and said " I don't really know we have to talk to mom about this when she get home but I think you need to tell someone that he is beating you.. " Maja looked down on the cover and said " I.. I can't.. I don't want him to go to prison.." I nodded and said " Do you love him? " She nodded and said " Yeah... but not asmuch as I love you guys.. but still.. " I nodded and kissed her forhead and said " Think about it. " She nodded and I said " And about Edwin call him I know you can do I. " She sign and said " maybe. " I kissed her forhead again then she laughed a little and said " Where did your husband go? I'm starting to get hungry. " I just stare at her and she just laughed and said " Is it really that horrible? " I nodded and Maja smiled and said " It has to be one things that was good with your wedding? Just one thing? " I sign and said " Fine if you have to know the wedding night was amazing. " Maja looked at me gross and said " Ew! But of course it was. " I said " What's tha suppose to mean?" Maja laughed and said " I have been staying here for a little more then a month now and I'm not blind you and Jensen is all over each other! If you ar enot touching him he is touching you. " I laughed and said " yeah yeah. " Then the door opend up and Jensen stepped throw the door and he was carring a tray that he put on the bed and both me and Maja was drooling over his sexy body. Jensen gave me a kiss and sat down on the bed and we started to eat. Then Dennie woke up and started to crowing in her crib I smiled and walkde over there and picked her up, I could see she was hungry so I walked into the bathroom and pulled down my top a little and just when she was going to start to eat the light disappeard abd it got pitch- black since there insn't any window in the bathroom. Then I heard Johan yelling from downstairs that the power had gone up and he was going to look what it was. But Dennie needed to eat now, so I sign and walked back out frm the batroom and looked and those two in the bed and said " Can you two leave for a few minuts? " Jensen just smiled and said " No we are siting right here. " I sign and started to get really irrated at those two because they refused to leave and Dennie started to get really cranky so I sign and looked angry at Jensen and said " Fine you win!" I sat down on the bed and pulled down my top so my boob show and Dennie started to eat. I looked at Jensen and he had a huge smile on his face and he almost look like he was going to start crying, then he said " This one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. It' so amazing!" I just shooked my head and looked at him like he was crazy and Maja was just smiling and said " She is so cute when she eats and she makes the cutes sounds. " Then Jensen said " I know just so adorable! She is amazing and Tove you are amazing. " I just sign and said " Yeah yeah.. " When Dennie was done eating she let go of my boob and I pulled up my top again and kissed Dennies forhead and she just laughed which made me smile. Then Jensen pulled me into a kiss and said " Thanks for letting me see this it's so amazing. " I smiled sligtly and said " Well it's pretty amazing too feed her too. " He smiled and gave me another kiss and then the light came back. so we finsed our breakfast and I got dressed to take a walked with Ebba.

When I came back home everyone was on there way to the hospital to visit mum.. but I think it's so hard to see her because everytime I look at her I just wants to run into her arms and hug her and cry my eyes out but I can't do that... so I come up with an excuse not to come and said " I'm not coming with you, I really need to go and take care of the horses.. but give mum a hug from me. " Jensen looked at me and said " Are you sure?" I nodded he gave me a kiss and I looked at Madde she just sign and walked throw the door. Then Joshua looked at me and said " Do you want companie? " I smiled and said " I would love too. " He smiled and said " great. " I walked over to Jensen and gave him a long kiss and he stroke my cheek and said " I love you. " I smiled too and said " And I love you. " He gave me another kiss and then they left.
I looked at Joshua and and said " Shall we? " He smiled and said " Let's go. "

When we opend the stable door and stepped in Joshua started to walked around and when he looked at me he said smling " This is amazing, they are all so beautiful. " I smiled and said " Yeah they are. " He walked over to shadows box and started to stroke his muzzle and said " He is just so gorgous." I smiled and opend the door to him and started to pet him and looked at Josh and said " This is Shadow and he is abouslty amazing. I got him as a birthday gift from my amazing best friend. " Josh said " Amazing gift. " I smiled and said " Do you want to go for a ride? You can take shadow if you want? " Josh got a huge smile on his face and said " I would love too. " We started to make the horses reday, I took one of my others horses that is just as amazin, it's a black arabian horse and it's just so beautiful. We walked outside in the cold day and jumped up on teh horses and it was amazing like always. When we got back to the stable after a couple of hours and started to fix the horses and I said " So how is everything with you and Michelle?" He sign and said " Things have been a little rough this past monthbut I think things are starting to get a little better now. " I said " i hope everything will be okay, both of you are amazing people and I love you both. " Josh smiled and walked over to me and gave me a hug and said " We love you too and so happy to have you in our family. " I smiled and said " Thanks. " He nodded and I said " So when are you guys going home? " he laughed and said " Tired of us? " I laughed and said " No not at all, I want you guys to stay. " He laughed and said " Good because we are staying a couple of weeks, so we can help out after everything that have happend to Kristina. " I smiled and said " I'm gla dto here that. " He said " So how are you doing? " I sign and said " I'm.. okay.. " Josh said " Are you sure? " I nodded and he siad " Simon told me... that you maybe have cancer again... I'm sorry to here that. " I looked at him and said " Yeah so am I.. but I'm going to go to the hospital tomorrow to take some tests and then we see what happends.. but I won't get the resoult tomorrow that will take a few days. Which is almost worse because then I have to be scared all those days.. and especially now when so much thing sis going on.. " Josh nodded and said " I understand that.. dose Kristina know about this? " I said " No.. it's just you,Simon, Jensen, Madde and Nicky who dose.. " He said " Is Jensen coming with you tomorrow? " I said " yeah thank god for that and I think mayeb Madde is too." He said " Good and I will be praying that everything will be okay. " I smiled and said " Thanks. " Then we was done and siad goodbye to my beauyts and started to walked up to the house because it was dinner time but first I rushed up to take a fast shower.

When I came downstiars all of them was all reday sitting at the table except Jensen, but I sat down on my chair and said " Where is Jensen? " Makenzie cleared her troath and said " He.. left.. I don't know where he is.. " All of us looked at her and she said " We had a fight.. " Donna just sign and said " About what? " Mac said " Not of your busniess!" I looked at her and said " Did he go outside? " She nodded and said " but I don't know where.. " I said " I think I know where I can find him. " I stood up and picked dennie up and Mac said " Do you want me to come? " I said " No it might be better if I go if you don't mind? " She said " No it's okay.. tell him that I'm sorry for getting so angry.. " I said " I will. " I dressed Dennie and then I put on my jacket and my shoes, then I took the keys. I put Dennie in the carset and then drove off. After 20 minuts I parked the car outside of the apartment house where our apartment is. I picked Dennie up and put her in the stroller and we took the elvatore upstiars. Then I put the key in the keyhole and tured it, but it didn't happend that much because it was all reday opend. So I opend the door and stepped into our empty echo sounded apartment. I picked Dennie up from the stroller and started to walked into the livingroom and every step I took since I was wearing high heels every step I took like made a load eco. Then I saw Jensen he was leaning his back aginst a wall in the livingrom while he was looking throw the windows wall. He looked at me and Dennie, I slide down next to him and Dennie smiled when she saw her dad. Jensen strok her head and said " How did you know I was here? " I looked at him and said " I know you Jensen. I have your ring on my finger so that needs to mean something. " He smiled a little and said " It means everything. " He stroke my cheek and I said " So what happend? " He sign and said " I don't know why we started to fight but we did and then she apprently had found out what me and.. Madde did in the garage.. and she started to tell me how disappointed she was and how I could such a thing.. and I know I deserve to hear it but I just coulnd't take it so I left.. " I could feel the knife stabbing throw my heart when he said that and Jensne could see something was wrong so he took my hand and said " Honey.. what's wrong? " I sign and said " Nothing.. " Jensen looked me into the eyes and said " Tell me. " I said " Fine..it's just ridiculous.. when Madde told me that she was thinking about washing her car..alll the fillings that I felt back then just come rushing back to me and.. i feels like my heart get's stabbed a thousand times over and over again and I just want to break.. I see you two together.. how your fingers was inside of her and how she was getting your dick up and I see how much both of you enjoy it and how much you just want each other... and now when you talk about ... it's not that I dn't trust you guys because I really do and I don't regret that I forgave you and I love you both so much..so I just wish this feelings could go away.." Tears started to roll down his cheeks and he said crying " I'm so sorry Tove.. I wish I could take it back or help you in someway... I feel so horrible.. I can't belive I was such a idoit.. I love you so much.. " I put my arm around his neck andand he cried against my shoulder and then he said " I should be comforting you.. " I looked at him and said " Noit's okay..it acutally helps to talk about it a little especillay with you and Madde I think that wahst I have to do.. so I think I will try to talk to Madde tomorrow even thought it's so hard.. I don't want you two to feel guilty because I know that you are sorry and It's okay. " I gave him a kiss and his lips was all wet from all the tears, then he said " How can you love a idoit like me?" I dried a few tears away from his cheek with my hand and said " You are not an idoit, you are the most amazing man I have ever meet, that caress about me like no one else, that know me and love me for me, that is kind and sweeit, you are just amazing. An amazing man that made a mistake, I have made many mistakes under our years together but you still here with me why is that? " he said sobing " Because you are wonderful and I love you so much. " I said " Exatlly, and I love you too, so much. " Jensen said " But my mistake was so much woarse then yours.. " I said " Yeah maybe it was.. but don't beat yourself up for it to long I mean everything is just perfect right now, we are happy. And without your mistake we maybe wouldn't be this stronge we have really gone throw almost everything so I think that will makes us forever. " He dried a few tears away and looked into my eyes and said " I do really love you and I'm trully sorry for what I did. " I put a hand on his cheek and said " I know and I love you just as much and that will nevere change. " I pressed my lips aginst his and we the kiss stoped he put a arm around my shoulder and I lean my head agianst his shoulder. I looked at Dennie that had falled a sleep in my arms, and she was just so adorble and I could really feel how happy I was. We sat there for a while looking throw the huge window wall and it was beautiful outside, the moon was lightning up the sky so beautifully. Then Jensen looked at Dennie then me and said " Where do you think we are in 10 years from now? " I smiled and said " I think we will be sitting on our pouch in a sofa cuddling on the outside our huge amazing house maybe somewhere in texas, looking at our beautiful kids running around on that beautiful green lawn playing and being happy, and we will have an amazing rottweiler and horses, and you and me will be so happy. Everything will just be perfect. " Jensen looked at me smiling and said " Did you say kids? " I placed my hand on his cheek and said " Yes, all that pain and suffring for those month is so worth it because when the baby is there then all thos bad days is just gone . Maybe in a couple years maybe we can start trying. " Jensen looked so happy and he said " You are serious? " I smiled and said " Yeah absolutly serious. We will be happier then ever. " He smiled and gave me an really amazing kiss and then he said " How many kids? " I laughed and said " Are we all reday deciding that? " He smiled and said " I just want to know how many it could be? If it's 2 or 4 or maybe 10 kids? " I laughed and said " Not 10 that's for sure, since it's still just me who is going to give birth to them alone. But i don't know we just have to see where the future leads us. " Jensen smiled and said " I love you. " I stroke his neck and said " I love you too. " He kissed me again and then he smiled and said " So how many kids did you see running around on our lawn then? " I laughed and said " You are not giving up. " jensen laughed and said " Nopp never. " I gave him afast kiss and said " 3 kids, two girls and one boy. " Jensen said smiling " That sound amzing your whole story about our future as a family sound so amzing and I hope it will be exatlly like that. " I smiled and said " So do I. " He look a away a haor lock from my face and I just smiled then he said " But do you think you would be able to move? would you be happy? " I cuped my hand around his cheek and said " Like I said it dosn't matter where we live I will be happy aslong as I'm with you and our beautiful daughther and I really mean that. " He said " What about Madde? " I sign and looked away and he gently tured my face towrads him agian with his hand and said " I can see how much it hurt for you right now just by thinking about leaving her. " I took a depp breath and said " I don't know.. how do you leave the person that have been there for you and gone throw everything with you your whole life? We have shared everything, I think I know almost everything about her and I have always been the person that she told everything even thought it was something bad or if it was good. I know her like no one else do.. okay apprently Nicky do too but anyway.. but she the person that know everything about me, that I trust with my darkest secrest, that I trust with my life. She have done so much for me and without her I wouldn't be where I'm right now here with you filled with happniess and hope. Without her I would probably been death right now, she is an amazing woman and I'm so lucky and greatful to had the honured to get to know her and be there under all this years and see how she grow up to be so beautiful and smart, she makes me so proud. She is one of the smartest women I know I just wish she could see that too. I might be smarter when it comes to math, science and all those things but she is smart in other ways. She can fix cars, she know how to be social to people she just meat, she smart enough to relize and appreciate herself and her beauty, so yeah she really is one of the smartest women I know. But still how do you leave the person who has been there for you and gone throw everything ith you your whole life? How do you leave the person that made you you... " Tear rolled down my cheek which I fast dried away and Jensen kissed my shoulder and said " I don't know.. " I sign and said " But what Madde said a while ago.. we are adults now.. and thinks change even if we want it or not..so even though I will miss her so much and I can't even imagen how hard it will be to say good bye I still mean it when I say I will be happy aslong as I'm with you and Dennie. " Another tear rolled down my cheek and Jensen took our sleeping Dennie from my arms and walked out to the hall to get the stroller to the livingroom were he bed down Dennie under her blanket. Then he walked over to me on the floor and wrapped his arms around me and I hugged him back. When we had been sitting there for a while Jensen kissed my forhead and looked at me and I said " But I promise Madde not to move intill she had found her "Jensen". " He smiled and said " Is that what you two call it? " I smiled a little and said " yeah. " He ran his fingers throw my hair and said " So how do you think will be Maddes " Jensen then? Jared or Zara? " I thought about it then I said " To be honest I don't think it will be Jared or Zara.. because Madde have all reday found her "Jensen" he is just called Nicky instead.. but since I belive in more then just one soulmate I think she can find him or maybe her. Because if Jared had been her soulmate she wouldn't had screwed around with so many diffrent guys under this years.. I know I did that too but I never feel in love with any of them as she did.. she had a huge crush on Rob and a few other guys too. And if Jared was her soulmate she would have stopped but she didn't. But when she fell for Nicky she got like a whole new person that she would do anything for and she barely even thought about other guys just him.. so sadly enough I think Jared isn't the one.. I know she loves him and is in love with him but not like that.. and about Zara I don't know that is to early to say something about.. I just want her to be happy, she deserve that.." Jensen said " Yeah maybe.. I might be totally wrong right now but yesterday at dinner it feelt like she still had feelings for pontus.. " I said " I asked her but she said no.." Jensen nodded and said " I just wish she would be happy.. " I said " So do I.. I love her so much. " jensen said " I know and so do I. " We sat there for a few minuts in silence then he said " So how are acutally things between you and Madde right now? " I said " You tell me? You are looking from the outside and it's hard to tell when I'm in the middle of it.." Jensen said " You haven't been fighting for a while and that is good... but at the same time I have seen you two together before last year when everything was just amazing and then I have seen you two all messed up and right now.. I don't know.. it's not like it use to be and at the same time it's not as the worse times either it feels like you guys are stuck in the middle and can't get out of there. Tell me if I'm wrong but do you guys talk anymore? And by talk I just don't mean like good morning I love you, then I mean about eveything as you use too? " I sign and said " I think you are right that we are stuck in the middle because that is exatlly how it feels I just wish we could get by that next step but I don't really know how.. and no you are not wrong we barely talk anymore, we have so many other people to talk to Madde have Nicky and I have you and since it have been lik ethis for so long now that is just how it is.. I knwo I can talk to her about everything but at the sametime I'm scared of talking to her because I'm scared that will make us fight again and that will lead so I will lose her forever.. " Jensen said " But maybe you guys need to take that risk if you don't always want to be in the middle.. even though it's scary.." I said " Maybe you are right.. I just don't know how.. " He wrapped his arms around me again and hugged me and it feelt so great to have him there with me.

Then my phone rang so I let go of Jensen and looked at the dispay where it stood hidden number so I picked up even thought I hate answering then. I said " hello?" Then I heard that soft sweeit voice on the other end and mum said " Hello honey. I missed you today. " I said " Sorry.. I had to take care of the horses. " Mum said " Tove don't lie to me, I'm not angry if that's what you think. I understand, I could barely see you in that bed, so I understand. " I could feel that tears started to weel up in my eyes bu I fought them back and I said " Thank.. " Mum said " I love you honey so much. " I said " I love you too mum, you are the best. " She just laughed a little and said " Suck up. " I smiled and said " No, it's the truth. " Then she said " Thanks honey.. " I said " so.. how are you doing? " She said " Pretty good it just hurts a little...and for an hour ago I started to feel something weird in the cheast but it's proablt just a side effect from all the medecins they are filling me with. But honey I have to go the nurse is here. But I love you so much and I hope I will see you towmorrow, bye. " I said " I love you too and I also hope you will.. bye. " We hang up and Jensen said " Kristina? " I nodded and he kissed my cheek then I looked at the time on my phone and it was almost eleven. I said " maybe we should go home? " He stroke my hand and said " Can't we sleep here? " I smiled and said " On the floor? " He laughed and said " Why not, dennie can sleep in her stroller and you and me here, kind of romantic. " I smiled and said " Sounds great, but aren't you hungry you didn't eat any dinner? " Jensen said " No I'm okay. " I nodded and said " good. " Then he laughed and said " If I get to hungry then I can just steal some food from Dennie. " I laughed and said " You are crazy and gross!" He laughed and said " You useally never mind when I use my toung and lips on your nipples. " I hit his arm and said " That is diffrent. " He laughed and said " I know I was just kidding. " I just hit him agian and laughed and he laughed to then he just pulled me into his arms and stared to kiss me, he slowly lied me down on the floor while his hand started to move under my top but then my phone rang again so I gave Jensen a last kiss and then picked up the phone and looked at the display here it stood Johan so I answer and I could here right the way that something was wrong and he said with a scared voice " A small piece from the bullet they missed taking out is moving towards her heart. So her heart beat is dropping more and more so they need to get her to surgury as fast as possible. " I could barely talk.. but after a few seconds I said " But.. I talk to her.. for less then 30 minuts.. " Johan said " I know.. " Then I just gave the phone to Jensen because I couldn't talk and he started to talk to Johan and when he hang up he just pulled me into his arms and he said " The doctore had said that the best thing we all could do was try to sleep because she wouldn't wake up intill tomorrow morning. " Tears started to roll down my cheek and I cried and said " What if she dies?! The last thing I did was to disappoint her by nit coming to the hospital and be ther for her! I let her down!" Jensen tried to comfort me and said " No you didn't disappoint her and she won't die she is a strong woman. " I started to cry even more and said " You don't know that! It's my fauilt she told me that her cheast was weird and I didn't do anything! I maybe killed my won mother!" Jensen said " It's not your fauilt.. everything will be okay honey. " I cried " I need to see her, I'm going to the hospital. " Jensen said " But.. it's nothing you can do.. " I stood up and said crying " I need to see her and tell her how sorry i'm and be there for her.. You can stay if you want but.. " Jensne inturupted me and said " Let's go I drive. " He stood up and walked over to me and kissed my forhead then Jensen took Dennie and we went to the car and drove to the hospital.

One our way to the hospital we remebered that the head doors was locked so I called Henrik and we was lucky he was working so when we got there he stood there and locked up for us and I gave him a fast hug and then horried back to the floor mom was on.
When I got there I saw how they where rolling a bed out from her room and away from me and i could see she was in it, so i just shouted " Mum!" The nurses and the doctor who was pusing the bed tured around and looked at me, they stopped and I ran over there with tears pouring down my cheeks. She looked so pale and weak again and she was all sweaty, I took her hand and she looked at me with her weack face and I said " I'm so sorry that I wasn't here for you today as I should have been. And i love you so much mum!" Mom tried to smile and then she with a weak voice " It's okay honey, and I love you. " Then I had calmed down a little and said " Are they operation you now? " The doctor said " As soon as we get the new X-ray picturs and the operating room . Now are just moving her to another room while we wait. " I nodded and said " I want to be there for her holding her hand. " The Doctor said " Yeah come on you can sit with her intill the surgry I think that is good for her. " I said " No I want to be there under the surgry.. please? " The doctor said " Sorry we can't do that.. " I said " Please I can take it and if I don't and freak out then just send me out of there... " The doctor said " That isn't our destion just it's your mums too.." Mum siad weakly " If she wants to be there then I want her to be there, and she is the strongest woman I know, so I know she can handle it.. " The doctor looked at me and said " but you need to sign a few papers first.. " I looked at him and said " Thank you. " He nodded and said " Then we need to talk to the chef of surgeon so I'm not promising anything but we will do our best. " I nodded and then I walked over to Jensen and said " I'm staying here, you and Dennie go home and sleep and be theer for Madde and everyone else. " I gave him a kiss and he nodded and left. I walked back to mom and we went into a new room where we was going to wait. I took her head and she was a sleep so I just stroke her forhead and it was so horrible to see her like that.. and while I was sitting there or here I started to blogg on my iphone and here I'm.. now I hav eto go because I'm going to sign those papers and then see what the chef guy say.. I really hope he let me be there because she needs me and I need her..I'm so scared right now.. and for all of you who belive in God please pray for my mum..

Well that was everything from me..
Take care.
Kisses
Tove