How to lose a friend

Hey guys..
Life has to go on right? Why did this have to happend too in all this mess..I can take it anymore..

Well it was so great to sleep next to Jensen again it’s crazy how much you can miss a thing like that, I hate sleeping alone it’s so empty. Even thought I didn’t sleep that good since the nurses have been in my room like every half an hour to take some tests or blood presser, but I didn’t care as long as I felt Jensen beside me. Well anyway about today, shall we?

I woke up from a phone call this morning and I looked at the clock and saw it was just after eight then I sign and picked up the phone. I heard Sofies voice on the other end and she sounded as tired as I was and said with a sleepy voice “ Hi.. sorry for waking you up since I know you had a rough day yesterday.. “ I yawn and said “ It’s okay.. what’s up? “ She said “ I just got a call from the hospital and they had gotten a cancellation and asked if I could be in the hospital in an hour to make a few tests to see if the chemo have helped or… not. So I was..” I inturuppted her and said “ I be there honey. I should be discharge any minute now. “ She said “ Thanks and I really mean that.. Jim is away on work again or whatever it is he is doing..but if you want to be with Jensen then I understand. “ I looked at a sleeping Jensen next to me and stroke his cheek with my hand then I said to Sofie “ Don’t worry about that. You need me and you where here yesterday when I needed you. “ She said happy “ You really are amazing! Then I see you soon, love you bye!” I smiled and said “ Love you too, bye. “ We hang up and I could feel a big lump in my stomach of fear.. think if the treatment hadn’t helped what would happened then? But then my thoughts got interrupted from Jensens beautiful voice and he said happy Good morning beautiful. “ I looked at him and tried to smile but apparently my worry had shine throw because he looked my hand and sat up a little in the bed and said “ It’s not a good morning? “ I sign and said “ Yes it is..but Sofie just called and she is going to have her check up in an hour and I just have a bad feeling.. “ Jensen kissed my forehead and said “ Hopefully everything will be okay.. and you often say you have a bad feeling about things but you always turn out being wrong. “ I nodded and said “ You are probably right. “ He gave me a kiss and then he said “ Please tell me what’s going on between you and Madde? I can see something is wrong.. “ I just looked away and he gently forced me to look at him when he took a grip of my chin and he looked me straight into my eyes and he said “ Sweeti why do you feel like you can tell me? “ I sign and said “ Fine I tell you! Because Madde is jealous and immature child! Madde picked me up the other night at Sofies and she was so cold and unpleasant towards her she barely said hello even thought Sofie tried to talk to her and be nice. When we got into the car I just couldn’t keep it inside me because no one treats my friend like that not even Madde. So we yelled and then she said something that I didn’t even think she could say! To make a long boring story short we are not friends anymore. “ Jensen looked at me and said “ What? Not friends anymore? What could she have said to make that happened after everything you two have been throw.. “ I sign and said “ She basically said that she was hoping that the cancer would kill Sofie.. and if this tests shows me what my gut is telling me then she will get what she wish for.. I can never forgive that she said that, me and Madde is over for good. “ Jensen looked at me with big eyes and said “ I can’t belive she said that.. but you know Madde and when she is angry she say things she doesn’t mean. She doesn’t have to like Sofie just because you do. “ I said “ I never said she had to like her or care about her, but she needs to respect her Sofie is a human being not some kind of punchbag. You respect people, tries to be nice even thought you hate them. And now you are going to say that I hate Nicky and so on. And yes that’s true I hate him and I have a reason for it when he hurt my friend in that way, but even thought I try to be nice to him as good as I can and this last month I think I have been pretty nice towards him. But Madde have no fucking reason to be like that towards sofie when she doesn’t even know her. But Maybe this is for the best.. “ Jensen said “ You are right she had no reason to be acting like that. And yeah Nicky and Sofie is different since Nicky have actually have done something even thought I think you are over reacting a little right now since Zara doesn’t even care about Nicky.. but still. But how do you mean how can it be for the best? “ I said “ I’m just going to ignore what you just said about me and Nicky and answer your question instead. Because every time I talked to Madde this past year or meet her I feel this huge gap between us, we who use to be so close and now it’s like we are miles a parts and we don’t know each other anymore that is just how it is. And every time I talk to her I can feel how that gap have become even bigger which make me so sad and makes my heart broke a little more into pieces because I can’t believe that this happened to us of every one. So now I don’t have to think about her anymore what not to do to not make that gap bigger and what not to say to not hurt her on so on. Like I said after this I can never forgive her.. I still love her because she is my sister and she always will be but now she is free from me and can do whatever she wants. “ I could see how sad Jensen was and he said “ But maybe she didn’t mean what she said, I bet she is sorry just try to talk to her please? “ I said “ No! I don’t care if she meant it or not because she still said it. “ Jensen looked at me with sad eyes and said “ Tove… “ I could feel how angry I started to get with him and I said “ Jensen shut up if you don’t want me to get angry with you too since you seems to have the same option as Madde!” before he got the chance to say anything the door opened up and one of my doctors stepped in and he asked how I was doing and I said I was okay, then he said I could go home and the results would take a few days. Then he looked at Jensen and said “ Your doctor wants you back at your section because he wanted to take some more tests on you since they still don’t know what’s wrong with you. “ Jensen nodded and said thanks then the doctor left. I sat up on the bedside with my back towards him and said “ I should get dressed and meet Sofie..” I felt how Jensen placed his hand gently on my back and said “ Tove please look at me..” I just stood up and I could hear his hand falling down on the bed, I took a deep breath and started to get dressed and I could feel how tears was welling up in my eyes from everything that have happened this week, with Jensen, me and Madde, me maybe being sick again, scared what Sofie test would show, scared and disappointment from fighting with Jensen..I slowly got dressed and after a couple minutes Jensen said behind me “ Tove honey I should get back to my room now.. I call you when I’m done and hopefully it won’t take to long.. give Sofie a hug from me and I’m praying for her. I love you.. “ I just stood there with my back tured towards him, I knew if I looked at him tears was going to start rolling down my cheek. Then I heard a door close and I slowly tured around and looked over the empty room and then tears started to slowly roll down my cheeks. I stood there in silence for a few seconds thinking about Jensen then I just ran towards the door and pulled it opened and farthest away in the long hallway I saw Jensen walking away and he was just about to turn so I just shouted the loudest I could with more tears rolling down my cheeks “ Jensen!!” Everyone in the hallway was looking at me but I didn’t care the only person I cared about was Jensen that stopped and slowly turned around and looked at me. Even more tears rolled down from my eyes and I just ran throw the long hallway towards him and throw my arms around his neck and he hugged me back . I cried against his shoulder I could feel how his lips pressed against my hair. When I had calmed down a little I cried “ I love you too so much! “ He took my head between his hands and kissed my forehead and said “ I know honey. And I also know that you won’t take back what you just said which is okay. I just want you too know that I think what Madde did and said was so wrong and so out of line.. I’m just sad that things had to end up think this. “ I said “ Thanks.. you are amazing!” He smiled and said “ So are you honey, so are you. “ Then he pulled me back into his arms and hugged me again. When he let go he said “ I really need to go now, but if you feel you need me I stay? “ I dried a few tears away and said “ No you go, just call me.” He smiled and said “ Of course I will I need to her that amazing voice more then once a day. “ I smiled and said “ I love you. “ He gave me a amazing kiss and said “ I love you too. “ we kissed a few times more then he walked away and I walked back into my room to get ready to meet Sofie.

I walked down to the waiting room where I found Sofie and gave her a hug and we sat down. I asked where the boys where and she said there where at her mums and was going to stay there for two nights. Then I said “ Sorry about Madde the other night.. “ she said “ It’s okay not your fauilt. She doesn’t like me huh? “ I just sign and she said “ So how are things between you too? “ I said “ We are not friends anymore. “ Then I told her what have happened except what Madde had said I thought she didn’t need to know that. Sofie took my hand and said “ I don’t want to be the one breaking up your relationship. You should go now and talk to her and be with her instead she is your best friend. “ I said “ No you didn’t break our relationship we did that our self and I don’t want to be with her I want to be here with you. “ I kissed her cheek and then we just sat there in silence intill Henrik called her name.

After all the horrible and painful tests Henrik said he would have the answer in an hour and we could be back then so we walked down to the restaurant to eat we didn’t say that much because I think both of us was pretty freaked out.
Back in Henriks room he told us to sit down with we did and he sat down infront of us on his chair then he looked at Sofie and said “ I have the answers to the tests here.. “ I could see that something was wrong in his eyes and apparently Sofie could too and she said “ Just tell me. “ He said “ Sure you don’t want your boyfriend here? “ She nodded and I took her hand and Squeezed hard. I could see Henrik was also nervous and Sofie just said “ The treatment haven’t help. “ It wasn’t really a question it was more of a statement and Henrik looked at her with sad eyes and said “ No I’m sorry it haven’t.. “ I could feel how my heart stopped and I could barely breath I didn’t know what to do or what to think I just sat there it was so horrible. Sofie said “ What’s my options? “ Henrik said “ We can continue with the chemo but since it haven’t made any different it will probably not change anything now either maybe just slow it down a little bit but then you will feel this bad for days after every treatment but it might be worth it.. “ then Sofie said “ How long do I have without the chemo? “ Henrik took her other hand and said “ It’s hard to say.. I don’t want to give you a number because it’s a big chance you make it over that number or..” Sofie filed in “ or I die sooner. Please Henrik I need a number? “ He said “ Are you sure? “ She nodded and I really didn’t want to hear this but I had to because I promised to be there for her and I was to weak to stand up and leave.. Henrik said “ I would say you have 2 to 3 month without any treatment except from anodyne and anxiolytic drugs. “ She said with a shocked voice “ And with treatment? ” He said ” That depends much on your body too and how much it can take, but I would say 4 month.. but you have a third option too even thought it’s not that much better.. “ Sofie said “ What? “ He said “ We can remove your breasts to slow it down and might give you 8 month up to a year.. I’m so sorry if you have any questions or need something I’m here. “ Sofie said “ Not longer then a year? Be honest.. “ he said “ No then it’s a miracle and we can hope for that. “ Sofie said “ Option number 3 is out of question if I’m going to die I want my boobs left. “ Henrik said “ But they are really good at making breast prosthesis..” Sofie said “ No.. I think I’m going to go with option 1 no treatment at all. “ Then I just couldn’t sit there anymore and I stood up and tears started to pour out of my eyes and I looked at her and yelled “ NO! You can’t just give up! Think about your kids, your parents, and think about me! You can’t leave me here not now when I might be sick too! If you don’t want to live for you then do it for us who loves you and need you! Please Sofie I love you so damn much!! You understands me in a away no one else dose, so you wouldn’t there leave me here right now!! Maybe in this moth they have found a cure and you get healthy no one knows that! Maybe I be death before you from my cancer we don’t know that either! But what I do know is that you can’t leave me!!” I was crying so much that I couldn’t even speak Sofie stood up and slowly wrapped her arms around me and I cried against her shoulder. She kissed my cheek and said “ Okay.. okay I cut my boobs off. “ I looked at her with red swollen eyes and said “ Are you sure? “ She nodded and said “ Your right I can’t just leave the people I love that fast I need time to say goodbye and this is going to be the best year in my life. “ I smiled a little and she smiled back and said “ Plus I would have killed you if you had given up so now don’t you dare die okay?!” I nodded and kissed her forehead and said “ Thank you, I love you. “ She said “ Love you too. “ Then Henrik said “ I think you made a good distion but I still want you to go home and think this throw and let the worse shock get off before you decide. “ Sofie said “ Sure I can do that but I all ready have made up my mind and I want the surgery as fast as possible. “ Henrik said “ But just think about it for a day or two. But if you do the surgery we need to try out what kind of boobs you want and which size and how you want them to feel like. “ Sofie smiled and said “ I can have which size I want? “ Henrik said “ Yeah sure it’s like plastic surgery... but they won't look really that real. “ Sofie said “Interesting.. maybe a little bigger then even thought I have pretty big once all ready but still it would be fun to try.. “ Henrik laughed and said “ It often good to have your boyfriend with you maybe he can help. “ Sofie laughed and said “ I don’t care about him, Tove can help me? “ I said “ I’m going to help you pick your boobs out? “ She smiled and nodded and said “ Maybe Henrik want to help too. “ Henrik just laughed and I said “ Sofie stop flirting with him his your doctor! “ She smiled and said “ And you are the right to speak. “ I just gave her my evil eye then I said “ How can you be this happy ? You just found out you are dying? “ She said “ And I also learn that I have to take care of the days I have left and make the best out of them. I would really love it you tried to be happy with me too. I just want to be happy and since I don’t have time for wait on that I just have to be happy, I’m not like you that have the perfect husband that makes you the happiest woman alive. But I’m still going to be happy. “ I couldn’t help but smile because she was really contagious with that smile on her lips. Then Henrik said “ But I have to ask you too see psychologist because it’s good for both you and your family. “ Sofie nodded and said “ Sure. “ I took her hand again and I was so close to new tears was going to start roll down from my eyes I couldn’t believe I was really going to lose her forever. In a year from now she would not be her anymore so horrible.. you are not suppose to die when you are 26 years old I just don’t want to believe it. But maybe Madde is happy right now anyway because I will end up alone so she was right again..Congrats.

When we was about to leave Henrik’s room he took Sofies hand and said “ I’m really sorry if it was anything I could do. “ Sofie nodded and said thanks and then he looked at me and was going to give me a hug but I Just moved away and said “ Not now.. I will break down. “ he nodded and carefully stroke my cheek and we said goodbye and left. Outside in the hallway I looked at Sofie I couldn’t walk or talk I just stood there. She had walked a couple meters when she notice I wasn’t next to her so she turned around and looked at me and she said something but I couldn’t hear what she said everything was in a blur and it feel like I was going to throw up. Apparently she had walked over to me without me noticing it because I felt how she slowly placed her arms around me and hugged me. Then she kissed my cheek and said “ Tove say something, please? “ It sounded like she was so fare away from me because I could barely understand what she was saying, I was just standing in to the white stone wall meanwhile she was hugging me, then she said once again “ Honey say something? “ I said with a quit voice “ What can I say? “ I felt how she grabbed my hand and pulled me away a few meters and pushed me down in a sofa in the waiting room. Then she looked into my eyes and said “ Tove are listening to me right now? I you to hear me out. “ I slowly nodded and she said “ I’m scared and terrified too just like you.. but now when I know I just have a few month left in this wonderful world I want to live it like never before. I don’t want to waste my time being sad when I can spend time with my amazing children and my family and friends and just live life like it should be lived. So I don ‘t have time to be sad and I would love if you where there for me? I’m not saying you can’t be sad and scared because I will too and then we talk about it but let’s try to enjoy life together this days I have left. What do you say? “ I smiled slightly and said “ Sounds good..” She smiled and kissed my forehead then e stood up and I took her hand in mine and we walked out from the hospital together. We said goodbye outside of the hospital because she had to go and leave her kids clothes at her mums.

So when I got home I went into the kitchen where mum sat with Dennie on her arm and Johan next to her. They smiled when they saw me and Johan said “ I thought you was going to be hope early this morning. “ I just nodded and took Dennie from mums arm and when she saw me she started to cry, she must have felt how I was feeling inside and reacted that way. I walked out from the kitchen upstairs and I heard mums voice behind me asking what was wrong but I just walked into mine and Jensens room instead. I sank down on the bedside and just sat there looking at my beautiful baby that was crying her mums emotions out. Then it knocked on the door but I didn’t care to answer but the door opened anyway and mum closed it behind her and said “ Is it okay if I come in? “ I just looked at Dennie without a word and then I felt how she sat down next to me on the bed and took Dennie from me and comforted her then she put her down in her crib and sat down next to me again. Mum asked what was wrong and I just sat there in silence then she took my hand and said “ Tove honey please talk to me? “ I was looking at my feet on the floor and said “ Life isn’t fare… you are not suppose to die when you are 26 years old and have kids that need you and friends. “ Mum asked confused what I was talking about and I said “ I’m talking about the evil in this world.. one year or probably less is nothing.. “ Mum gently turn my head around with her hand and said “ Tove who are you talking about? “ then tears started to roll down my cheek and mum just wrapped me in her arms and I cried against her shoulder . When I had calmed down a little I said “ Sofie won’t be here in a year…” Mum said with a confused and scared voice “ What are you talking about? “ then I started to cry again and I told her everything she didn’t say anything she just wrapped her arms around me and held me tight. When I had calmed down the second time I said “ Can you please leave I don’t can’t handle another break down right now..” Mum nodded and kissed my forehead and said “ Love you so much and I’m always here day or night. “ I nodded and she left my room. I went into the shower and tried to think about something else but it wasn’t so easy. Then I heard my phone ring so I fast wrapped a towel around my body and ran over to the bed where my phone was lying and answerd. I heard Zaras voice and she said hello and asked what I was doing, and I just said I had taken a shower then she said “ So do want to come over for some coffee? “ I said “ Love to. So where is your girlfriend? “ She said “ She is with Dennis I think.. why? “ I sign and said “ Nothing. “ She said “ You two can be in the same room right? “ I said “ Yeah.. Zara I be there in an hour just need to get ready. “ Zara said " Good.. because I don't want to lose any of you. " I said " And we don't want to lose you either so don't worry.." we said goodbye and I got dressed and took Dennie with me in the car.

I left Dennie in her stroller outside so she could sleep and then I knocked on the door and then I heard Zaras voice and she shouted come in so I opend the door an said hello from the hallway and got undressed. I found her in the kitchen and gave her a hug and she looked at me and said " So...how are you doing? " I sign and said " Please can we not talk about this.. or anything else depressing.. " Zara nodded and kissed my cheek and we sat down with the table and I looked at her and said " Look... I know you and I are pretty alike when it comes to choosing side from what's right and wrong instead of just being there. Be on Maddes side in all this I don't want to be the reason why you to fight. I'm not saying you have to agree with everything she dose because that is not love iether. Love is to explaine what's right or what's wrong and to just e there and help them. So just be on her side holding her hand in all this because she is having a hard time and needs you and you need her. Okay? " Zara smiled and said " Okay I will, it's just had for me too. I love you both so much. " I took her hand and said " I know sweeity and we love you. " She smiled and said " Coffee? " I nodded and said " yes please." She stood up and staretd to make coffee and she said " After I called you I acutally made a chocolate Cobbler.. I have to say I'm kind of proud of myself. " I laughed and said " Geez Zara are such a housewife. " She laughed and said " I know.. or not. If someones the housewife here then it's you, becuase I'm not even married. " I stared at her and said " Shut up! " She just laughed and put the coffee on the table and the pie on the table and she gave both of us a piece and said " If you don't like it throw it away. I just smiled and said " Calm down woman!" She laughed and I tasted and said " It's really good. " Zara laughed and said " I like that you sound so suprised too about it. " I laughed and said " Sorry, but it's your own fault you where so nervious. So what's up with all the baking all of the sudden? " Then I heard a voice behind me saying teasefully " That's because I'm here, she is trying to impress me. " I tured my head around and saw Mattias walking into the kitchen, I smiled and he walked over to me and gave me a hug. Then he looked at Zara and said " Right? " She said " Hey watch it you are "freinds" with my daughther so watch out so I don't throw you out. " Mattias smiled and said " Zara you all reday like me I know it. " Zara sign and said " unfortunately I do." Mattias laughed and gave her a hug then he said " Is it okay if I make myself a sandwish? " Zara said " Sure go a head, you don't have to ask about that. Eat if you are hungry boy. " Mattias said " Thanks, and I'm always hungry. " Zara sign and said " So this is how it's to live with a teenage boy." We just laughed and talked alittle more with mattias then he went back to Emma. I smiled and said " He is really nice. " she said " I know, I really like him and I think he might be good for Emma." I just nodded.

Then it knocked on the door and Zara yelled come in but no one opend she sign and said " Who the hell can that be.. Sara is on some lunch date with Niklas and she never knockes and the rest of you knock an dthen step right in.." I laughed and she got up and walked towards the door then I heard a happy scream from Zara in the hallway and someone laughing and then I heard a voice that I regonize. Then Zara walked into the kitchen and another beautiful woman followed her, I smiled when I saw her, I walked over to Jodi and gave her a hug and said " I did not expect too see you here. " She laughed and said " Suprise. " Zara smiled and said " Oh yeah big time! I'm so happy to see you, you have no idea!" She throw her arms around her neck again and hugged her. Then we all sat down again and Zara was really happy which made me smile then she said " So long are you staying? " She said " Friday morning, but of course if you want me to leave earlier I will. " Zara just hit her arm and said " Don't be stupid. " Jodi smiled and said " So am I staying at a hotel or here? " Zara said " What do you think? " She said " At the hotel.. I know you just pretend to like me.. " Zara said " Fuck you found out.. who told you that? " she said " Nicky did.. " then they laughed agian and Nicky walked into the kitchen then he smiled and gave Jodi a hug and said " I thought I heard you voice! What are you doing here? " Jodi said " Dealing drugs what else.. Nicky what do I useally do here? " He luaghed and said " True.. so where is your husband? " she said " He had alot of diffrent things he had to do. " Nicky nodded then he gave me fast glare and I looked back at him, then Nicky looked at Zara and said " Me and David was thinking about go and play some football before Filippa gets here. " Zara nodded and said " Have fun. " Nicky went upstairs to get reday then David walked down the stairs and he smiled when he saw jodi and gave her a hug then she smiled and said " So kiddo who is Filippa? " David smilde and looked down and said shy " My girlfreind.." Jodi smiled and said " Is she cute? " David nodded and then Nicky came back and said " Let's go. " David nodded and he walked over to Zara and gave her a hug, Zara kissed his cheek and said " Have fun and make sure dad lose, okay? " David smiled and said " Of course what else. " then we laughed and we said bye and they left. Then both Emma and Mattias walked into the kitchen talking just ignoring us we just sat there looking at them then Jodi said " I'm not even getting a hug? " Then Emma tured around and looked at her suprised and said " What are you doing here? " she said " Because I wanted to see you guys what else." they hugged and Jodi looked at Mattias and then at Emma, and Emma just said " Yeah right.. this is my freind Mattias. " Mattias said " We have meet, Emma do you remebere the wedding? " Emma said " Yeah of course you have what did I think with, " Mattias said teasefully " Yeah what did you think with.. women.. " Emma just hit is arm and laughed they are really cute together. Then Mattias said Hello to Jodi and he said " I hate talking english..the worse subject I know! I'm so bad at it.. sorry. " We laughed and Emma said " Trust me after spending a few days here you will talk some kind of mix of both swedish and english. And you are not that bad and I can help you with your homework" Mattias laughed and said " Sounds good.. I think I should go and take a shower. " Emma nodded and he walked upstairs meanwhile Emma sat down next to me. then Jodi said " So.. how are feeling? " Emma sign and said " You know of course you do... well answer to your qustion I don't know.. I'm confused.. mum followed me this morning to make a ultrasound which made it even harder.. " I took her hand and said " How did it go? " she sign and said " I don't know I was so nervious so I didn't listen..ask mum. " Zara said " Evereything looked good, strong heart beat and all of those things.. " I said " Which week is she in? " Emma sign and said " In week 14.. how many weeks will I have intill I start to show? " Zara said " hard to say.. I started to show in week 18 or 19 with all 4 of you. " I said " I started to show when I was maybe in week 15.. but it's pretty easy to hide then. " Emma sign and said " Just great.. a couple weeks left then.. and that midwife wasn't the nicest one either, I could see how mum just wanted to kill her. " Zara sign and said " You saw that, I tried my best to hide it.. but I was so fucking furious at her! She looked at Emma with judgeing eyes from the moment she steped into the room.. I just wanted to say something but I know my duaghther would think I was embarassing so I didn't.." Emma said " It wasn't just me she was judgeing.." Zara said " I know but I don't care what she thinks about me I'm use to it. But fine I got even more pissed off when she asked me how old I was when I given birth to Emma and I told her I was 15 and then she just shook her head a little..then I know I had to say something to her because I bet Emma wasn't the last 15 year old girl she would have in there. so I told Emm ato leave .." Emma said " What did you say to her? " Zara said " I just told her that she wasn't doing her job as she should and this was hard for Emma. And that I had been 15 when I given birth to my daughther but she was the best thing that have ever happend to me and I don't regret a second of it.. then I said a few other things I should say infront of my daughther.. " Emma said " How can you think I'm one of the best thing that have ever happend to you? After everything I have done.. I have called you the worsed things a woman can be called, and I never listen, I meet the wrong guys, I'm just horrible.. " Zara took Emmas hand across the table and said " You are not horrible, you are amazing in my eyes. But yeah you have done alot of bad things and called me everything but you also have done many good things. I love you and you really are one of the best thing sthat have happend to me.. and I will always love you no matter what you do. Even when I hate you the most I still love you. And you know you have change in just this last month I don't know what happend but you did, and you have really started to become a young woman now. " Emma smiled and said " I love you too mum. " She walked over to Zara and gave her a hug. Then Zara let go of her and said " Go upstairs to your boyfreind now. " Emma said " You mean my freind. Because he is just my freind. " Jodi laughed and said " Just your frined yeah right. " Emma just stared at her then I said " So you kiss your freinds? " Emma said " To be honest I haven't kissed him not even a little I promise. " We just looked at her suprised and she said " I know!" Then remebere Dennie I didn't want her to get to cold out there and I stood up and Zara asked where I was going and I said " Cheack on Dennie. " Emma said " I can do that. " I smiled and said " Thanks. " She went outside and after a minut she yelled from the hallway she is still sleeping, should I take her inside? " I said " Yeah please do that. " So after a fw minuts Emma had undressed her and came with a sleeping Dennie in her arms. Emma looked at me and said " She is so adorble. " I smiled and said " Thanks.. maybe I should go and get her stroller inside if she is going to sleep. " Emma said " I can take her if you don't mind, me and Mattias is just going to watch a few movies in my bed. " I said " Of course you can. " Emma smiled and walked upstairs with Dennie. Then Jodi said " What ar eyou guys going to do this weekend then? " zara said" Me and Madde are acutlly going to Paris on friday.. " she said " Right you told me that you where thinking about it the last time we talk. But I think you choosed the right thing you will probably love it. " Zara sign and said " But I'm really nervious.." I said " Believe in yourself as you always have done when it comes to this things. You know you are good.." Zara said " I know.. or I know I was good anyway..but I think it will be fine when I'm there. " I nodded and Zara said to JOdi " How could you be so sure I was going to be home this week so you could suprise me? You could have told me when we talked last night! " She laughed and said " Then it wouldn't be a suprise and since we talk like every other day and talk about everything I think you should have told me. " Zara just shook her head, we laughed and then I said " So when is Madde coming home?" Zara strugged and said " To dinner maybe. So you know Jodi knews.." I nodded and then Jodi said " Maybe we should have a girls night in? Maybe call Sara? Wair for Madde? so guys what do you say? " I said " Is that really a good idea? " Zara said " Please.. I need you both so much, can't we just try? " I sign and said " Fine.. convince her. " she said " I call her and Sara.. " Then Jodi said to me " Maybe you should call Sofie if that was her name? " I said " That is a really bad idea.. but like I said I don't care about her anymore so why not.. " Zara just glared at me then she picked her phone up and called Sara and she said she would be here in 30 minuts and then she dialed Maddes number.. Zara gave me a fast glare then she walked out from the kitchen to talk, when she came back after a few minuts she said " She will be here in a couple of hours.. " I sign and said " Did she sound happy? " Zara sign and said " She said she is doing this for me and because she loves me.. " I nodded and thought that she also might be doing it because of guilt from almost kissing yesterday.. but then my thoughts got inturupted by Zaras voice that asked me if I had called Sofie, I just picked up my phone and she said she would love to come and she would be there in maybe 40 minuts. Then I looked at Zara and said " Are you sure you want Sofie here? " She looked at me confused and I laughed and said " She is like your biggest fan ever!" She laughed and said " I think I'll be fine. " I laughed and we countinued talking.

Then the frontdoor opend and Sara walked into the kitchen she smiled and gave all of us a hug and sat down. We started to talk about everything and nothing then it knocked on the door and I got up and went to opend teh door. Sofie looked so happy and full of life and I know she could see my scared worring eyes she just gave me a hug and said " I'm fine don't worry.. " I said " I'm not worried about you.. I'm worried about me what I will do without you. " She kissed my cheek and then we walked into the kitchen and Sara walked over to us and introduced herself to Sofie and then Jodi and then Zara, Sofie smiled and said to her " I just have to say that you are even more beautiful in real life! So gorgous!" Zara smiled and said " Thank you you are so sweeit. " Then we sat down and Sofie smiled and said " You have a beuatiful house, have you decorated it yourself? " Zara smiled and said " Yes I have.. kind of my hobby. " Then we heard Nickys voice from the hallway saying " A pretty expensive hobby too. " Then he showed up in the kitchen smiling and shook Sofies hand and said it was nice to meet her, then Zara said " How many things have you acutlly paid for in this house Nicky? " he laughed and said " That's because you never let me come with you when you are shopping. " Zara laughed and said " I have a good reason, because you can find some ugly painting that you think is funny like then with the mouses, that was just weird you loved it. But that will never hang on my wall in this house. " He laughed and said " Whatever. And it was funny. " Zara just shook her head and said " Where is David? " he pinted towards the hallway and said " Talking to Filippa." She nodded and then David walked into the kitchen and he looked at Sofie and she reach out his hand towards him and he took it and she said happy " I'm Sofie Toves freind. " He said " David.. " Then David walked upstairs and Sofie smiled and said to Nicky " He lookes just like you. " Nicky smiled and said " I know.. but he hate when someone say that. " She laughed and then Nicky said " Ladies see you later, I'm going to hit the shower now. " Then he walked upstairs and Sofie looked at Zara and said " Where did you find him? He is hot!" We all laughed and Zara said " I acutlly meet him in London when I was about 17 and he was 18.. and I was young and stupid.. " Sofie smiled and said " Was it romantice? " Zara laughed and said " He was pretty romantice.. I was just a bitch which I always was back in the days." Sofie smiled and said " So what happend? " Zara laughed and said " Fine.. but it's not that intresting. I was staying in London for a few weeks modling and in that busniess it's some party every night and since you get to know alot of people I had gotten myself a fales Id from some guy so I could get in anywhere. Anyway at the club you could go up on the roofto get outside which I did to smoke since I was an idiot back then.. and then Nicky walked over to me and started to talk to me and I just wanted to ripe his clothes off. You need to know that I always got what I want went in comes to guys and that I have sex with alot of people! Anyway after we had been talking for a while and Of course I was flirting. When the club closet and my girls hand taken a cab home Nicky asked where I was staying and he said he was going to follow me. And I just smiled and said yes because I wantde him in my bed. So we started to walk and talk. When we got to my apartment I stroke his cheast and asked if he wante to come upstairs be just smiled and said no. I remebere how angry I got because he was the first guy that have ever said no too me so i just walked upstairs and went to bed, I still remebere that Ilied there thinking about him how he could say no to me and I never wanted to see him again. But the other day it knocked on the door and my freind opend up and she yelled that someone was on the door and I went over there and saw Nicky with a big smile on his lips. I just looked at him angry and he asked me out and I just closed the door infront of him, and after a couple days it knocked on the door again and a guy with a beuatiful flower bouquet with a card with his number on it. I just trow it away but that guy apprently never gave up, so after another couple days it knocked on the door a saturday afternoon and there he was again so handsome and with a white rose in his hand. He smiled and took my hand and kissed it and asked me out again and I asked if he never was going to give up and he just shook his head and I couldn't say no, so I just but on a pair of heels and followed him. He gave me the white rose and I said it was my favorit flower and he smiled that amazing smile again and said I had mention that that night on the roof. We started to walk and we found a ferris wheel and we talked meanwhile that was spinning. Then we went to some cheap but romantice resturant and Nicky insisted on paying then we started to walk home again. Outside my door I gently lean towards him and I was so sure he would not kiss me back and I thought to myself that if he said no this time I would never see him again because then he was nothing I wanted. I pressed my lipes agaist his and he acutlly kissed me back and my hand started to serch after a way inside of his shirt but he just grabed my hand and stopped kissing me and said " Zara no I don't want too. " I just stared at him hurt and walked into my apartment and closed the door infront of him and went to bed. Even thought I had promised myself to never see him again I couldn't get him out of my head I just lied there for hours thinking about his soft tips, his amazing smile, his beautiful eyes and just everything about him. I as so angry with myself for not letting it go.. the other day I had a photoshoot in the middle of London and who was there looking at me if ot Nicky. But I just try to foces on the job instead and when I was done he walked over to me and told me I was beautiful and I just thought he was an idoit since he didn't want to sleep with me. After a couple of weeks with him showing up where I was I finally agreed seeing him again not on a date just a walk because I wante dto yell at him for everything he had done. But then he asked me the qustion that I was so scared to answer and just he had asked me " Why are you so unsure about yourself that you have to take sex as your Shield? " And I was a person that had really hard problems trusting people.. or I still do, it takes a long time for me to really openen up because I have been hurt and let down so many times in my life so that is just how I'm.. but I'm working on it everyday. But something happend when he asked me that, I remeber I got so pissed at him and he tried to calm me down and tears started to pour down my face and he hugged me and when I had calmed down I told him something that I hadn't told anyone else before, even thought my family knew I almost didn't want to talk about it. But something was special with Nicky and I told him about my life with my parents, the rape, the disappointment, what they had told me how ugly and horrible I was, how scared I was and broken and I just opend up my whole heart to him like I have never done before. We sat outside teh whole night just talking and that night change my life and me because that angry girl had stopped being so angry. When we went to my apartment that eraly morning he kissed me and I just asked as a joke if he wanted to follow me inside, and he smiled and said " I would love too.. but not now I want it to be special. Tomorrow okay? " I gave him anothet kissed and nodded then I remebere that I hadn't told him that I had a daughther and a son at home and I thuoght my stomach would tured inside out because I was so nervious and he just asked me what was wrong and I just told him and you know what he said?" Then Zara got inturrupted and we heard Nickys voice from behind and he said " I would love to meet them, they most be amazing just like there mum. " Zara looked at him and said " You remebere? " Nicky smiled and said " Of course I do, and I was right they where amazing just like thier mum. " Zara smiled and said " Suck up! What do you want? " Nicky smiled and said " I mean it. " He walked over to Zara and kissed her head then David yelled that he wanted help with homework so Nicky sign and went upstairs again. Zara looked at all us and said " What's up with all of you? " I just smiled and said " It's a beuatiful story. " Zara said " You relize it's Nicky I'm talking about? " I nodded and said " I know.. but it is this new Nicky I dosn't like or more what he dose and have done. " Sara said " I agree with you. " Zara just shook her head and said " Should I countinue? " We just nooded and she said " When he was okay with my kids that was so amazing, the other night I was waiting that he would call since I was out shopping but he didn't. So I walked home and I feel really confused and sad, I opend the door to my room and I got a big suprise it was alot of candles and he smiled when he saw me and gave me a red rose. Like I said I had have alot of sex but that was diffrent because it wasn't just sex it was more and everything was just so romantice, when we lied there cuddling he told me that he loved me even though we had just knewn each other for a few weeks but I feelt the same and I trusted him complitly..but at the same time I hated that he had made me feel so weak and scared of losing him.. " Then Sofie said " It must been so hard to leave him.. or he maybe left you.. " Meanwhile Sofie said that Nicky stepped into the kitchen again and Zara looked at him then down into the table and said " Yeah.. the worsed thing I have ever been throw after my sons death.. and I have been throw alot but that was... horrible.. " She looked at Nicky and I could see how sad he was.. because I don't think he have heard how Zara really feelt about all this before.. but then Zara said " But I have to believe that everything in life has a meaning even thought I havn't figerd the meaning out with everything yet... Without me being abused and raped then I won't be the person I'm today and I can honestly say I'm kind of proud of myself.. so I have to believe that everything has meaning with Antons death even thought I don't know what it is yet, and I also have to believe this with Nicky was meant to happend maybe so I would realize how much I love Madde and what a amazing woman she is, and I found the person that would make me so happy. To believe helpes me get up in the morning without my son by myside. " I smiled and said " When did you acutlly get feelings for Madde? " Zara laughed and said " To be totally honest I think my feelings started back in September when me and Madde pretended to be together.. when we stopped our little prank and she moved home again I just couldn't stop thinking about her, her scentens, her soft hair, her amazing voice, her soft lips and her amazing personalitly. But that scared me so I just tried to forget and get her out of my head. But after a few weeks everything was better and then we went to seychelles and when I stood there in the room and had just got into my bridesmades dress she stepped into the room and she gently touched my shoulder with her soft hand to move my hair and I got chills down my spine and then she got undressed and she made me laugh and she was so beautiful.. I was so nervious and scared but I just had to try otherwise I know I would have been so disappointed with myself.. so when I touch her arm I could feel my heart pounding in my cheast I thought it was going to jumpt throw it, and I had bats in my stomach, then I just thought I just have to do it so I just kissed her. " I said " You are never scared about anything. " Zara smiled and said " I know.. but this time I was.. I was scared she would push me away and ask what the hell I was doing.. and it was along time ago I was intrested in someone else then Nicky and now it was a woman... how weird wasn't that.. I was scared about what everyone would think and if Madde would have said no what she would have told anyone.. I have never been that nervious in my whole life.. and when she kissed me back that was just..amazing..and I love her so much it's insane. " I smiled and said " I can't belive you have been inlove with her for so long.. dose she know? " Zara smiled and said " Me neither I think I have had feelings for her longer then I even know myself.. and no she have no idea about that. " Then jodi smiled and said " Do you see yourself marring her? " Zara looked so happy and inlove and said " Yes I do.. " Jodi said " How soon? Thought about proposing? " Zara laughed and said " Yeah acutlly I have.. but I scared she would say no..." Sara said " Why? " She said " Because I don't think she in the same place... or I don't know I'm just scared and nervious. " Jodi said " Looking at some ring? " Zara just laughed a little and looked down and Sara said " She have?! Why haven't you told me?! " Zara laughed and said " I have just fantaices a little.. but I found the perfect one that I know she would love.. " Then I said " You don't think it's to earily? " Zara smiled and said " I waited 13 year in my last realtionship and we all see how that worked out, so I have to learn from my mistakes and I'm crazy about her belive it our not. " We just smiled and she said " Don't make a big deal about this then you just makes me even more nervious. " We just smiled and nodded. Then Nicky looked at me and said " How is Jensen doing? " I smiled and said " he is doing great..but they wanted to do more tests on him to see if they can find the reason. " he nodded and said " Good hope they found what's wrong.. I was acutlly thinking about going to visit him tomorrow.. " I smiled and said " I know he would like that, he always enjoy companie. " Nicky said " Good.. but he always have companie right since you are there? " I said " I haven't seen him for like 2 days! Horrible!! " Nicky laughed and said " Didn't you sleep next to him last night? " I just stared at him and he laughed and I said " But I have barely seen him today and for a couple of days ago he made some tests too and was away all day.. I just want him home now.." Nicky said " He will be home soon Tove.. " I smiled and said " Thanks.. " He nodded and we countinued talking

Then Madde arrive in the kitchen she just ignored me and she gave Sofie a fast glare then she smiled and gave Jodi a hug. Then she walked over to Zara and bend down infront her so there lips was almost touching, Zara smiled and gently stroke Maddes side and said " I have missed you sexy. " Madde smiled and said " I have missed you to angel. " Then Madde move in a little more and when she was just about to kiss Zara she smiled and stood up and walked away a few steps and gave Zara a naughty smile. Zara just stared at her and said " Can you please stop doing that!" Madde just laughed and so did the rest of us, then Zara just got up from the chair and grabbed Maddes wrist to pull her closer and placed the other hand behind her neck and started to kiss her with so much eager and passion that I thought they where going to start undressing themself right there and then. We could see how their toung was playing with each others and when thet finally let go Zara smiled and said " You can't do that too, becuase it just do that I want you even more. " Madde smiled and was baout to kiss her again when Sara said " Guys! Can you stop with this lesbian porn act you have going on. " they just laughed and sat down at the table. And of course Nicky was drooling, Jodi just slapped his head and he woke up from his little dream suprised and we just laughed. I could see that Zara was looking at both me and Madde and we just pretended that the other one didn't excisted. Sofie smiled and said to Madde " You two are like the most beautiful couple ever. " Madde just said quit " Thanks.. " I could feel that I got angry but I had promised myself to just take it easy. Then Nicky said " Since you are having a girls night in I thought I should go and see if Niklas wanted a guys night in. " Sara sign and said " He acutlly told me to send you over. " Nicky laughed and said " Good, well see you ladies, have a good night. " We said bye and he left. Then Sara said " Dinner? I'm hungery.. Tove you can cook.." I just stared at her and she smiled and said " Please...pretty please.. " I said " Fine but on one condeistion.. that you help, because this time i'm not doing it myself. " Sara looked at me like I was crazy and she said " Zara can help.. " Then Jodi said " I can help. " I smiled and said " Thanks some good woman in here. " She just laughed and then Zara said " We need to go to the store... " Sara said " Do we have wine? " Zara laughed and said " We? Do you live here? " Sara said " Whatever.. " then Zara said " I don't think we have any wine our not anything good anyway. So maybe we should split us up.. some of ous goes to the store to by food and the other to by booze. " then Jodi said " think i should go to the store since I'm helping to cook. " Then Zara said " And me too because she can't find the store.. Sofie you would love to come to right because.. you are an expert on.. food.. and sara you are coming to right? We need you to carry everything. " Jodi said " Sounds good, then Tove and Madde can go and buy some booze. " I didn't know what to say and I think neither did Madde.. but those women thought they where sooooo smart.. then Emma came downstairs and she looked at Sofie and shook her hand then she looked at Zara and said " Can me, Mattias and Kim order pizza for dinner? " Zara said " Sure aslong as David is with you guys too. " Emma said " Can you pay? Please.. " we just laughe meanwhile Zara sign and said " Fine.. just have to see if I have any money since I mostly pay with the card. " Zara walked away and came back and said " Here. " Emma smiled and kissed her cheek and said thanks and I said " Do you want me to take Dennie? " She smiled and said " No It's okay.. if you don't want her of course. " I said " If you want to take care of her then you should. " She smiled and walked upsatirs again. Then Sara said " Shall we go? " They nodded and both me and Madde was on our way to say something but at the sametime we didn't want to show the other one any attention.. but those others just left and took Zaras car and drove off as fast as they could. Me and Madde didn't even look at each other we just got dressed and walked out to her car which still makes my stomach turn because I still see Madde and Jensen on that hood... I sat down and so did she and started the car and drove off. We didn't say anything on the whole way I looked throw the passanger window all the time... it was really weird and horrible to sit there.

When we was there we walked around and bought alot diffrent cider, some other stronger things and then we got to the wine and we just took teh usual both white and red wine. It's good we have done this many times before that's means we don't even have to look at each other because we want the same.. and I could feel how much she didn't want to be there with me and I think she could feel the same from me. On the way home it was also silence as the grave and Zaras car was all ready home. We walked inside where it smelled pizza and wher the others was putting everything in the refrigerator. They just looked at us and smiled and then I looked at Jodi and said " Dinner? " She smiled and nodded and we started to cook and then Emma came downstairs again with a crying Dennie in her arms and I smiled and Emma said " I think she is hungry. " I stroke Emmas hair and said " You are absolutly right. " She smiled and said " I can take here again when you have feed her if you want? " I kissed her head and said " If you don't mind then sure. " Emma said " No she is so amazing. " I smiled and looked at the others and said " Be right back and Jodi don't burn anything. " She just laughed and I walked into th elivingroom and sat down meanwhile I called Jensen and he had time to talk for just a couple of minuts and I told him where I was and he asked how things wher egoing with Madde and I sign and said " We haven't even looked at each other.. and I think she is sad but I don't know.. " Jensen said " I think I will call her tomorrow and ask if she wants to come over.. I want to talk to her.. I'm worried about her.. " I said " You do that I think she would love that.. when? " He said " After lunch maybe. " I said " Okay then I be theer before lunch and then at the evening. " he said " Sounds good.. but honey I have to go soon.. I miss you so much.. " I said " Miss you to baby.. I wish you where here.. Love you so much Jensen!" he said happy " Love you too sweeity. Have a great night and take it easy. " I smiled and said " I will and you try to sleep. " He said " I will. Bye love ya!" I said " Bye, love you too. " Then we hang up.

When I was done I walked uptairs to Emma with Dennie and all of them had such a cozy time I just smiled and went down stairs again to help Jodi. Sara was pouring up wine glasses and gave one to each of us except Zara and Sofie said " I wans't suppose to drink to night.. what about the car.. " Zara laughed and said " It's hard not too.. and I can drive you home since I'm sober and you can come by tomorrow to get your car and maybe for a hang over coffee. Sofie laughed and said " Thanks sounds good. " Then I looked at her and said " Sofie you should not drink either.. " She just said " Please Tove just let me live..I will be death in a year so let me fun.. and you are not suppose to drink either for your liver. " I could see that everyone was looking at her but everyone was to scared to say something.. I could feel tears burning in my eyes but I took a deep breath and try just to forget about everything.. I just put the glass to my lips and drank the whole thing at once to see if all the pain would go away. Sara walked over to me and poured up more wine and she whisperd? " Are you okay? " I just looked at her and she nodded and sat down again. Then dinner was ready and we sat down to eat, I barely said anything and neither did Madde I just tried to eat even thought I wasn't hungery..but the wine went down easily, maybe to easy. When we had eated and just sat there talking Jocke came from the hallway into the kitchen and he smiled and said " What's up? " then he gave Jodi a hug and said " Sexy as always! " She just stared at him and then he walked over to Sofie and shook her hand, then he kissed Zaras cheek and said " Hello sexy!" Zara was just about to say something when I heard Maddes voice saying angry " Joakim shut up or I throw you out on the street!! " Jocke just smiled and opend the refrigerator and took a coke from there and said " I'm hungry.. " Zara said " Take how much food you want. " He smiled and took a plait then walked upstairs. Sofie looked at Zara and said " Is that your son? " Zara said " No.. it's Emmas best freind and he is a pain in the ass.. but for some weird reason I love him like he was my own son and I would do anything for him.. " she nodded and after a few empty wine bottles we started to mix something stronger, so after a few drinks Sara said " Let's move this to the Jazzuci. "So we did and Jodi said " So with out without clothes? " Sara laughed and said " Naked of course. " Jodi, Sara, Sofie and Madde got undressed except the pantis.. and went into the jazzuci and I just said " Not doing it! " Sara laughed and said " Tove come on.. just take a few shots then everything will be fine. Don't let us down and we got you down last time and then you where pregnanat and sober.. so come on. " I just sign and said " Fine! Just give me the bottle!" They smiled and Jodi handed me the tequila bottle and I took a big zip, then I stripped down to my pantis too and jumped in with the bottle in my hands and the other laughed except Madde. Then we looked at Zara and she said " I'm to sober for this..." sara looked at Madde with a smirk on her face and said " Madde take care of my beautiful freind over there. " madde smiled back and got up from the bath and walked over to Zara. Zara just said " Madde this will not work. " Madde just smiled and gently let her hand wander down Zaras arm, over to her body and down to her ass. Then she started to kiss her with passion and she slowly started to undress her and Zara couldn't say no because her hands was all over Madde too. When she had gotten Zara out of her dress she unhooked her bra and kissed her neck, then she took her hand and leand her to the tub and they sat down. Sara smiled and said " Good done!" Madde just smiled and I could see that Zara just wanted to trow herself over Madde and Jodi said " Zara try to take a deep breath. " she just stared at her and we laughed. I took another zip of the bottle and then Sara took it from me and took a zip. I saw how Zara looked at the bottle with pined eyes and Sara stared at her angry and said " You look like a vampire that is thirst for blood. " Zara just looked away. And after few more drinks of course we started to talk about sex like all women do especially when they drink and the converstions lead to our first times. Then Jodi said " My first time was horrible.. with some disgusting guy I was dating when I was about 14.. he had a huge nose, and he was a little chubby with a really bad skin.. and I remebere his huge busy eyebrows. And he was a teribble kisser it feelt like he but his whole toung down my throat and he was seriosly poured out saliva when he was kissing me so he made weird sounds because he tried to get it back into his mouth.. so gross! And the sex I shouldn't even talk about even worse! After that night I dumbed him!" We laughed and I said " hy did you even date a guy like him?!" she laughed and said " Good qustion! I just get grossed out to think about it! And I dated him for maybe a couple of month too.. horrible what was I thinking! Next!" She looked at Sofie and said " Well my first time wasn't that gross just bad.. his name was Martin and I thought that was the most amazing name anyone could have and I was so in love with him and he was a couple years older then me and I had just tured 14 and when he fianlly had noticed me he wanted to go all the way and since he was so cool and I was so in love so one day after school I followed him home to have sex as we had decied the day before that. I was really nervious and when he had gotten it up and pressed it inside of me which was so horribly painfull because I was freaking out but didn't want to be a geek and say something. He started to move and moan really loud och touch my boobs really hard so it hurted.. after like a minute the door opend to his room and his mum walked in on us.. " We started to laughed and so did sofie and said " Then it was dress fast and ra out of there quickly. " We just laughed and Sara said " That must have been embarrassing when you alreday was nervious!" Sofie nodded and said " Oh yeah! Didn't really help me relax! Sara your turn" Sara said " Mine isn't that funny.. I was togehter with my boyfreind also called Niklas.. " Sofie inturupted and said " Isn't that the name of your boyfreind now too? " Sara said " Yeah it's the same Niklas also Maddes brother.. anyway we had been together for maybe 5 years since we was about 10 when we meet.. and the day I tured 15 we was going to have sex we had decied that a few weeks earlier.. so that night he sleeped over like he usally do... and earlier that day I had made Zara come with me to buy some new sexy underwear.. " Zara inturpted and said " You where so fucking annoing and you where driving me insane because nothing was good enought and you where so nervious which I didn't understand.. I just wanted to kill you right there and then." Sara laughed and said " And it's not like you was that much of a help.. I remeber you started to flirt with some guy in there and then you two disapperd and.." Zara countinued and said " And we had sex in the ocean balls since it was empty.. that was a weird place to have sex on.. " Madde said " You relize that now? " Zara laughed and said " Yeah I had forgot about that. " Sara said " Anyway when I had found the underwear I needed and had found my best freind we went back to the house and like I said that night we said good night the the family and went upstairs and locked the door. I wasn't alone being nervious since it was Niklas first time too.. even though the sex was horrible it still was kind of romantice and cozy. That was my night. " Then Madde said " Niklas was 15?! " Sara laughed and said " Yeah it was! Madde if you don't know that he have sex with me and his ex wife so two people..that's what he told me anyway if he is not lying and if he is I kick his ass! " Madde just said " He can't be my brother! I need to have a talk with him! " we laughed and I said " And you and Niklas that was all over each other all the time!" She laughed and said " I know..suprise. But after that first time we had sex like everyday " We laughed and then Madde said " My first time was with.. Nisse.. my boyfreind at a party in a bed when I was 12. He was awful, he barely knew where to put it in! I can't believ I had sex with him! But I was good, I was amazing even though it was my first time! It was just he who couldn't do it and he came fast he had barely put it in me! I remebere people looking at us but we didn't care about that let them look if they want too, they where just jealous.. especilly all teh guys since they wanted me too. Nisse can just go and cute his dick off! " They laughed and zara looked at me and said " Your turn!" I sign and said " Well Tim my boyfreind that I had been togehter with for almost 2 years was my first one.. he had been talking about it since like the first time we meet but I had said no many times. But that night we was alone at his house and lied in his bed cuddling and watching a movie.. when it had ended he tured of the tv and started to kiss me and this time he didn't push as he use to do which was to put his hand under mt top or undo my jeans and those kinds of things. That night he just kissed me with love and then I just stopped kissing him and looked at him and said I wanted too, he asked if I was sure and I nodded and he smiled and countinued kissing me and undressing me.. But I hav eto agree with Sara the sae wasn't that good but it was kind of romantice.." Jodi said " How old where you? " I laughed and said " I was 15 or soon 16 even.. so I was pretty old. " She nodded and said " Tim seemd like a sweeit guy. " I laughed and said " Yeah maybe.. " then we all looked at Zara and she laughed and said " My story isn't that romntice.." I laughed and said " I would have been suprised if it was romantice comeing from you. But maybe Jonas was roamtice..I don't know. " Zara said " Who said something about Jonas? " I said " He was your boyfreind.." Zara laughed and said " So? Well anyway I had just tured 12 and to really understand how I was back in the days I think you had to know me to understand but I was wild and that isn't even enough. I was drunk and was at my friends house he was 15 so older then me and his big brother had a party downstairs so we had taken a few bottles of everything to his room and sat there and drank.. " Sofie said " You was drinking when you where 12?" Zara said " I took my first drink when I was about 11 maybe since that made me forget about my life, the hitting, the rape how it feelt when he pressed it inside of me.. so then I just took another drink after another... well anyway when we had drunk up everything I told Jesper that I was going to sneack downstairs to get more..he just smiled and he was really wasted which I was too but not as much. So I stood up and he just grabbed my arm and pulled me back to bed and started to kiss me.. but I just laughed and walke downstiars instead where everyone was laughing and drinking. I walked over to the table where they had the booze and tried to be as discrete as possible and I hided the bottle under my top and when I was going to turn around I bumped into a man and he smiled and asked if I was steeling and I just stared at him because I thought he was going to get angry but he just told me he would help me. So he took another bottle and walked upstairs with me and I walked into the wrong bedroom because Jesper wasn't there and I sat down on the bed and the guy sat down next to me and asked how old I was, I told him I was 15 and he said he was 21 and he was acutlly really hot, and since I have never been shy when it comes to guys I just moved closer and started to kiss him and he kissed me back.. I was mostly just suprised that it didn't hurt as much as it did with my dad I thought it was going to be that way.. so it wasn't that bad.. afterwords I remebere he said that I couldn't be 15 so I told him my real age and he just smiled and we had sex again.. " I sign and said " Why am I not suprised...Jodi laughed a drunk laughther and said " Zara that's horrible.. he was like 9 years older then you! " Zara said " I know.. but it was me in a nutshell.." then Sofie laughed and said to Zara " Do you even know how many guys you have sleeped with? " Zara laughed and said " I have abolutly no idea what so ever.. which is really horrible. " Sara looked at Madde and said " Do you know how many guys you have been with? " Madde said " I have no idea.. less then Zara but still alot. " Sara looked at me and said " You? " I said " Maybe 70 or more don't know. " then sofie looked ar Zara and said " I just have to ask earlier today you said you had sleep with alot of people... not guys but people.. what dose that mean? " Zara laughed and said " So you notice that huh? Fine.. I have had sex with alot of girls too or women.. to be honest I think I have done almost everything there is to do.. scary. " Sofie laughed and said " How many women? " Zara said " I don't know that either but it is a few. " Sofie said " But you are not bisexual? " Zara said " No.. or I don't think so anyway.. I have been attracted to other women but just because I thought they where sexy but dosn't all women think about other women in that way sometimes? " We nodded and she said " Good.. but yeah I have had a lot of sex with women and sometiems guys was with us too and I have enjoied it but I was never in love with them or had any of those kinds of feelings for any of them. The first woman I feel for is Madde and I'm so crazy about her, she is amazing. " Madde smiled and gave Zara a kiss and then we just sat there talkinag drinking more and more.

When the clock was about 3 we decied to fine our way home. Sara decied to sleep their in Jodis bed but I decied to go home because of Dennie, and Sofie also decied to go home. We said goodbye to the others and Madde just looked away and I just ignored her too because we have nothing to say to each other. Zara came downstairs with Dennie in her arms and I smiled when I saw her and Zara said " I take her your drunk. " I sign and we walked out to the car and Zara staretd to drive towards Sofies place. Sofie said to Zara " Do you know how damn beautiful you are woman? I would do anything to look like you.. and the camera loves you and I bet you love it to because you are so amazing! " Zara laughed and said " I don't really know what to say.. but thanks. And you know if you want to I would love if you shooted me someday.. " I looked at Sofie that was sitting in the backseat with Dennie and she looked overwhelmed of happiness and I laughed and said to Zara " You should see her face right now, but take the silence as a yes. " Zara laughed and said " Sofie are you okay? " She said so happy " Thank you!! You have just made my dream come true!! You are amazing in every way and Madde is so lucky to have you! " Zara said smiling " aaw your sweeit but I'm glad I can mak eyou happy. Well I'm even more lucky to have such a amazing girlfreind. " Sofie said " Seriously if I was a lesbian I wouldn't mind having you in my bed. " Then all three of us laughed then Sofie said " But don't expect that I'm some super photografer since I know what kind of people you have worked with in your days. " Zara said " Don't worry about, I bet you are amazing. And also in this business I have worked with dicks too. " Sofie said " True.. Do you photographf too? " Zara said " I use too when I lied all my time on modeling since I think it's importent to see the other side of the job too..so yeah I have done a few things. And it helps me that I was a model because I know what's good light and where it suppose to be and what looks good.. but I can't say I'm so good. " Sofie said " Then I was wondering.. would you mind having a small photoshoot with me and we change places? You behind the camera and I'm infront of it.. since I'm cutting my boobs of I thought it would be nice to...remebere them.. " Zara said " I'm so sorry to hear that.. I can just imadgen how hard it much be..but yeah of course, I would love too. " then Sofie said " When I got home after the hospital today Henrik called my home phone and said I forgotted my handbag so I drove over there again.. and on the way there I thought about something that I had been thinking about before just incase... " I looked at her and said " What? " she looked away and said " At the hospital I sign a paper.." I looked at her confused and said " Paper? What kind of paper? " She sign and said " A DNR paper.. " I could feel the anger, the disappointment, the worring, the sadness just got into me at once..I just stared at her and said " You did what?!" she said " Tove listen... I'm going to be death in less then a year anyway.. and I don't want to live my last month in a respirator.. I will be sick enough from the cancer that will be eating me up slowly from the inside. So I want to live as much as I can for as long as I can intill my body can't take in anymore and I end up in bed to die. But I want to be able to speck even thought I will be so horrible sick, but I still want to be me when I die not a machine.. I know I will die a painful and slow death but they will give me a lot of painkillers injections since I won't have a Iv because then it takes even longer for me to die and I have to be in pain longer..okay? " I just nodded and I didn't know what to say or do.. zara looked at me and I just took a deep breath and put on a smile and said " I understand... I do.." Then we was there and Sofie gave Zara a hug and said " Thanks for making my dream come true...even though if it's just because you feel bad for me. " Zara let go off her and took her hand instead and looked her into her eyes and said " Yes I feel so horribly bad for you andI wish it was something I could do.. But no I don't just do this because you are sick I'm doing it because it might be fun.. okay? " She smiled and nodded then I gave her a hug and kissed her cheek and I never wanted to let go.. I could feel tears was burning in my eyes but I just fought them back and we let go and Zara said " Come by and get your car tomorrow. " Sofie smiled and said " I will. " Then we sad bye and drove off again. Zara took my hand while she was driving and said " Are you okay? " I shook my head and said " No.. but I don't want to talk about it right now.. I tell you what happend at the hospital tomorrow if Madde hasn't told you since I will write it in the blogg. " She nodded and said " If you ever need to talk or a shoulder to cry on I'm here. " I smiled and said " I know Zara, thanks. " She smiled and then I said " Have Emma told Mattias yet about the baby? " she said " No not yet. I think she was planing to do it tomorrow..even thought Emma is that forward typ that isn't afried of speaking or to hear what other people have to say about her.. I can see this is hard for her that she is scared what her freinds will say, and the rest of the school and especially what Mattias will say.. even thought she try to hide it I still see it and she don't want to talk to me about just that... maybe I should ask Madde we'll see.. " I nodded and said " Of course she is it would be weird otherwise.. I mean I'm scared now to tell mum about me and Madde she will kill us both I think.. especially when she see how we are just ignoring each other.. she will be so angry at us both since it is boths fauilt... " she said " You haven't told her? " I shook my head and she just nodded. Then we was home and she looked Dennie and carried her upsatirs and put her in her crib then she looked at me and said " Thanks for a great night and thanks for trying this with Madde you two in the same room.. " I said " Thank you too.. Zara both me and Madde needs you so much so we just have to try because we don't want you to be in teh middle... or I don't want that and i hope Madde feels the same. " She smiled and gave me a kiss on my cheek and said " Love you.. and like I said call if you need to talk.. or do you want me to stay? " I said " No go home to your amazing girlfreind you owe her that for loving you so much to be there tonight. " Zara smiled and said " Thanks.. " I laughed and said " Go and throw yourself over her too because I could see that you have wanted that all night. " Zara just laughed and I said " I will come by this morning to get the car. " Zara nodded and gave me a last hug and left. I could hear how she locked the front door and drove off. I just got undressed and started to think about that fucking DNR paper and the rest of the day and the weeks... mum, Jensen, me.. how I lost my amazing best freind that I still love so much and that I can't even look at now and how that happend.. then this with Sofie how we have gotten so close so fast and that we where going to splitt up as fast... she is goig to die.. in a year she won't be here on this earth.. with her kids, with Jim, with her parents.. and with me.. how do I susrvive that? I don't have an asnwer.. I have a feeling if I get sick again now I won't make it either.. because I won't have that power to fight when all I want to do is cry.. but I will do my best to be there for Sofie as good as I can.. it will be so painful to see her disappear to nothing and slowly die.. when I sat there thinking tears just started to pour down from my eyes and I tried to stop but I couldn't then it just came more tears.. after 10 minuts of crying I still hadn't calm down and I wish it had been day so I could have called Jensen but I didn't want to wake him up he needs to sleep.. so I just sat there hugging my pillow that got wetter and wetter for every tear that pour down my face. Then I picked up my phone and dialed Maddes number without thinking because I'm so use to that is what I do if I'm sad.. a few signals got through then I heard a sleepy voice on the other end saying hello.. so I bet she hadn't looked on the diskplay too see it was me because then she wouldn't have answerd.. but then it hit me and I asked myself what the hell I was doing why I had called! Then even more tears rolled down my cheeks and I sobbed.. then Madde stopped saying hello and got quilt we just sat there for maybe ten seconds intill I just hang up.
Then I decied to blogg so here I'm.. still crying my heart out.. God what I hate to cry worsed thing ever can beat myself up with it for weeks... horrible..

Well now I'm going to wrap this up and see if I can get any sleep at all..
Tomorrow you will hear from a pretty hang over Madde I think..
So see ya..
Kisses Tove