That was it

Heya!

Well that was that then... I suppose that was the end of me and Tove trying to find our way back to each other. She doesn't want anything to do with me anymore and I suppose I should stay away from her in that case. Well if anyone out there still wants to read what goes on in my life here it goes.

I didn't sleep at all last night, I was just lying there next to Zara wide awake and thought about what my life would look like without Tove in it. When the clock started to go near 7 I sighed and carefully got out of bed and walked downstairs. I went into the empty kitchen and made a cup of coffee and then I sat down in the sofa and turned the TV on. I just sat there watching "according to Jim" and sipped on my coffee. Thank god that Jim is so fucking funny because he made me forget about Tove and all that and I just sat there in my underwear laughing my head off to Jim and his friends and family. After about an hour I saw someone in the corner of my eye stand in the doorway so I looked over there and saw Nicky in a pair of softy pants standing there looking at me. I put the cup down on the table in front of me and he slowly walked over to the sofa and sat down next to me. I looked at him and I knew he could tell that something was wrong. He picked up a blanket and held it out to me. I took it and wrapped it around me and then I moved closer to him and he put his arm around my shoulders and I rested my head against his torso. He gently pressed his lips against my hair and stroke my arm with his fingertips. I took a deep breath and felt calmer then I had all night and my eyelids slowly started to fall down and before I knew it I had fallen asleep. But I shouldn't have fallen asleep because then I just started to dream. In my dream I saw Tove lay in a hospital bed and the whole family except me was there and then Tove said with a week voice "Where is she? I have to see my best friend before I die.". Then Jensen took her hand and said "She will be here soon baby.", Tove started to cough and then the door opened and Jensen smiled a huge smile and said "She's here.". The whole family smiled and looked at the door and in walked Sofie and Jensen quickly got up and gave her a huge hug and so did the rest of the family and then she walked over to Tove and said "I love you honey, You won't die. I believe in you.". Tove smiled and took her hand and said "Because you believe in me then I won't die. You are the best friend anyone could ask for.". Sofie gave her a kiss on her forehead and then Jared stood up and said "We are so happy that you are such a good friend to Tove. Without you she would be dead now.". He walked over to her and gave her a kiss on the cheek and a big hug. Then I heard someone that really shouldn't be in my dream say "Wake up.". It sounded really weird and I was just waiting to see Nicky in the dream giving Sofie a hug too but then I quickly opened my eyes and looked on Nicky who looked really worried. That was when I noticed that tears were pouring down my cheeks, I buried my face in Nickys naked chest and he kissed my head and gently rocked me and asked softly "what's wrong baby?". I shook my head and continued to cry for a while and then I looked at him and he looked into my eyes and gently stroke the tears away from my cheeks with his thumb. He tilted his head slightly to get a closer look on me and I said with a weak voice "There is nothing to talk about... It's over.". He wrinkled his eyebrows and said "Honey, what is over? You and Zara?". I shook my head and said "No... Me and.... and Tove.", he put his hand to his mouth and looked a bit shocked and then he put that hand behind my neck and hugged me. I felt his warm body against my bare skin and it felt really nice to have someone that cares like he does when no one else do. After a while he said "Didn't she talk to you?", I sat up again and looked down on my hands that I put in my lap and I said "It's my fault... I was a bitch...". He took my hand and said "Madde, please talk to me.". I looked at him and said "I love you so much Nicky, why do you put up with me? Why do you care?". He got up and pushed the table out of the way and sat down on the floor in front of me and took both my hands and said "Do you want to know why I care about you? Why I put up with you as you put it.". I nodded but then quickly shook my head and said "No.. Don't tell me because then you will understand that you don't really care about me.". He said "I would never do that. I care about you because I love you and I always have. I put up with you because I love you and you need me and I need you to need me. When you don't need me I feel really lonely and lost but when you need me to be there for you I know my place and I know what to do and say so that you may feel a little bit better anyway. You mean so much to me honey and after getting to know you this well I would never be able to live without you. I would be so totally lost without you and I hate that feeling.". He stroke my cheek and said "I love you honey, with all my heart and I need you.". A tear fell down my cheek and then we heard a voice say "What is going on?". Both of us turned our heads and looked at Zara who looked at us with suspicious eyes then Nicky stood up, kissed my head and whispered "that is why I care about you.". He let go of my hand and walked pass Zara, I just looked at his bare back and wished he could come back. Then Zara walked over to me and took Nickys place next to me and said "What's going on Madde?". I told her that Tove and I aren't friends anymore and she said "Honey, you guys will work this out.". I shook my head and said "No... It’s over... We aren't friends anymore and we never will be either. She took Sofie before me and she didn't care how I felt about that so we aren't friends anymore.". She sighed and said "Come on Madde, just because she is friends with Sofie doesn't mean you can't be friend with her.". I looked at her and said "Are you taking Toves side in all this?", she sighed and said "No... I'm not taking anyone’s side in this... Just talk to Tove.". Then Nicky came back but this time with more clothes on and a big t-shirt for me. He handed me the shirt and I took it on and then he said "Look, Madde doesn't like Sofie and just because of that Tove has taken her instead of Madde.". It felt really nice to have Nicky on my side but that good feeling disappeared at once when my girlfriend said "Oh come on, something must have happened if Tove reacted like that.". Then I told them that I had been cold towards Sofie and that Tove and I had argued in the car about it and then Zara said "Well then you gave her a reason..". I looked at Nicky who looked at Zara with big eyes and he said "hang on! If Madde gave Tove a reason to break up their relationship then you have no idea how many times Tove have given Madde a reason to break up their relationship. I mean it's not like Tove has been the nicest person in the world towards me but still Madde wanted to try to work on their relationship but now just because Madde med Sofie and was a bit cold and she has told Tove how she feels about this whole thing she just snaps and breaks everything up? Where is the fair in that?". Then Zara said "Yeah well maybe Madde was a bit meaner against Sofie then Tove ever were to you.". I said "I never hit her. Tove actually slapped Nicky. And like Nicky said, I've already talked to Tove about this with Sofie and she knew that I missed her and that I needed her as well but she still chose Sofie ahead of me...". Zara interrupted me and said "So this whole thing is because you are jealous that Tove has Sofie and you don't? Or maybe that Sofie has something in common with Tove that you don't really understand.". I said "No! It's not that I'm jealous! What? was Tove jealous of Nicky?! I just miss her that's all... But fine if this is the way she wants it then so be it.. Why does it always have to be me who has to fix everything! It’s always I who have to give in!". More tears came pouring down my cheeks and I got up and ran pass Nicky and up mine and Zaras room and threw myself on the bed but then I figured that that was the place they would look for me first so I went over to Nickys room and laid down on the bed and just cried my eyes out in his pillow. After a short while I heard the door open and then slowly close and Nicky gently saying my name "Madde... Sweetheart.". I ignored him and buried my face even deeper in his pillow and soon it was getting really hard to breath but I didn't care. But then he pulled my face out of the pillow and said "Zara doesn't want to fight...". I looked at him and said "I don't care... I don't care about anything anymore.. Why should I care about trying to fix this with Tove and me when Tove doesn't even want to? I tried my best last time... I... I gave you up Nicky.... And where did that lead? Nowhere! In the totally wrong direction!!". He sat down on the bed and said "Sweety... I know you try and I know you want things to go back to the way they were between you and Tove but... But maybe that's not possible... Too much has happened for you to go back to the way you were.". I looked at him and said "I think you are right... We've grown apart from each other... She finally figured out that there are better friends then me out there...". He shook his head and said "I didn't mean it like that and she is a fool if that is what she thinks. There is no one better then you out there sweetie.". I huffed and looked at him sarky and said "I sleep with her boyfriends, I make her self confidence hit the floor, I lie and just think about myself all the time... Of course there are better friends then me out there.". He said "That is just what you think. What happened with Jensen was a huge mistake, you do not think about yourself all the time because if you would have then I doubt that either you, me or Tove or anyone else for that matter would be living the life we are. And fine you lie, but that can be good sometimes too and that whole thing about Toves self confidence is not your problem. It's not your fault all the guys want to be with you and all the girls want to be you... Can you help it? What would you do to change it? Make yourself ugly? Go to a plastic surgeon and say "Hey can you make me ugly?". Do you really think he or she would do that? I doubt it.". I smiled slightly and said "Maybe you are right but still.. I'm a bitch.". He sighed and said "No you are not, you are amazing. Tove has no right to just blame this on you but you don't any right to just blame her either. All this year Tove hasn't been nice to me even though I've been nice to her but she hasn't changed all that much so you don't have to like Sofie just because she is Toves friend.". I nodded and said "You're right. Thank you Nicky...". He nodded and kissed my forehead and said "Anything for you, my love.". Then someone knocked on the door and Zara peeked in and said "Can I talk to you Madde?". I said "Look, I don't want to fight with you because I love you but I also know you and I know you are a lot like Tove in this so you will take her side because that is the side that you think is right and if you do then we are fighting so just leave... please.". She said "I'm not taking anyone’s side Madde...", I shook my head and said "But you still argue with me about this and tell me that I should stop with whatever it is I should stop with... I don't want to hear it, especially not from you...". She nodded and closed the door and I just sighed and said "And now I was a bitch again.". Nicky took my hand and said "You know what... Talk to her when you have calmed down a little and when she has thought about it for a while..". I nodded and then I said "Are you and Zara going to Anton’s grave later today?". He nodded and said "Yeah and then Zara is going to pick Mattias up at the airport. But if you need me then I can stay..". I shook my head and said "Nah... you go to Anton... I was thinking of maybe visiting Jared or something... And I have to talk to Tim.". He nodded and then he got up and pulled me to my feet, took my head between his hands and looked me in the eyes and said "I love you and whatever you chose to do with your life and all this with Tove I'm with you 110% okay? You mean so much to me and I will never let you go, Tove is a fool for letting you go.". I said "I love you too Nicky. You are a true friend... I suppose at the moment, the best friend I could ask for.". He kissed my forehead and gave me a warm hug and then he said "Now go and take a shower and then Zara and I can drop you off at Alexanderson’s when we are going to Anton’s grave.". I nodded and said "Thanks.", he just nodded and I left the room and went into mine and Zaras room and got some clean clothes and went to the bathroom to take a shower and get ready for a new day.

When I got out of the shower I went downstairs and found Zara and Nicky in the kitchen talking. I walked in and Nicky turned to me and said "You ready to go?", I nodded and said "Yep... let's go.". They got up and we went into the hallway to get dressed when Emma came running down the stairs and said with a smile "Don't forget to pick Mattias up at the airport later.". Zara smiled and said "Don't worry honey, I haven't forgotten.". Emma smiled and then we said goodbye and all of us got into Nickys BMW and drove off to Alexanderson’s. When Nicky stopped outside of the house he said "Try to talk to her if she is home...". I nodded and said goodbye and got out of the car. I never thought it would be so hard to walk up to the door but it was. When I finally got to the door I took a deep breath and slowly pressed the door handle down and opened the door. When I got into the hallway Tim came walking from the living room and stopped when he saw me and said "Hey.. What are you doing here?". I said "I'm here to see Jared but I suppose I should leave because no one wants me here anymore.". He walked over to me and said "Madde... That's not true.". I nodded and felt tears build up in my eyes and I cried "Yes it is! I'm sorry I'm hurting you Tim! I only hurt the people that care about me!". He wrapped his arms around me and I cried against his chest and felt like a total bitch. Then he said "No you're not, you don't hurt everyone that cares about you.". I looked at him and he brushed my tears away and I said "I hurt you Tim.. I love you but not in the way you want me to. I have never had those kinds of feelings for you and I never will. I love you as a friend, you are an amazing guy and you are a good listener and an amazing lover.". He bit his lip and then he said "I know...", I stroke his cheek and said "I'm sorry.". He shook his head and said "But you are an amazing lover too.", I smiled but quickly stopped and said "But we can't continue like that and you need to find someone that makes you happy because I love you Tim and I want you to be happy and you aren't happy now.". He said "Yes I am... I'm happy.", I shook my head and said "No you are not, you can try to convince everyone that you love Molly but we can all tell that you don't. And you can try to convince everyone that you aren't in love with me but we all know that you are.". He sighed and said "Why does everyone say that?! I'm not in love with you, I'm in love with Molly otherwise I wouldn't be with her.". I took his hand but he just pulled his hand back and I said "Tim... Please...", he shook his head and said "No... I'm going to my GIRLFRIEND Molly.". I sighed and he walked pass me, took his clothes on and left and slammed the door shut. I sighed and went upstairs and knocked on Jareds door and he said "Come in.". I opened the door and Jared was lying on the bed watching TV. He smiled when he saw me and said "Hey sweetheart!", I smiled and he was just about to get out of the bed but I said "No stay.". He looked confused but I crawled over to him on the bed and laid down next to him and rested my head on his chest. He put his arm around my back and said "What's going on?". I shook my head and said "I don't want to talk about it... I just want to be here with you.". He said "okay... if that's what you want then... But I was thinking of going to Jensen soon...". I sat up and said "oh... okay...", then he took my hand and said "You can come if you want, I know for a fact that Jensen really wants to see you.". I thought for a while and tried to count out the odds of meeting Tove there and I knew it was close to a 100% but still I said "Yeah, okay. Sure.". Jared smiled and said "Great, you wait here I'm just going to take a quick shower and then we can get going.. I suppose Tove is already there.". I nodded and said "Yeah I suppose.", then he nodded, kissed my hair and went into the bathroom to take a shower. I wrapped my arms around his pillow and laid down on it and watched TV. It smelt so much of Jared that it felt like I was back in the old days when it was me and him and everything was just fine but that is not the case anymore. I'm not saying that I regret this with Zara because I don't, it's the best thing ever but everything else that has happened is just shit. After like 15 minutes he came back out and he looked so hot with just a towel wrapped around his waist and his wet hair combed back. I smiled and he smiled back and then he said "It's nice to see you in that bed again.". I said "It's nice to be in it again, it smells a lot like you.". He went to the wardrobe and said "Yeah well it would be strange otherwise, wouldn't it?". I laughed and said "Yeah I suppose it would.", he smiled and went into the wardrobe and put on a pair of black boxers and then he came out and continued to put his clothes on. When he was done he sat down on the bed next to me and said "Shall we?", I felt a pit in my stomach when I thought about seeing Tove but then I thought about seeing Jensen and I smiled and nodded and took Jareds hand and he pulled me off the bed. We went downstairs and put our clothes on and drove off to the hospital.

When we got there we went up to Jensen’s room at once and Jared just walked in but I stopped in the doorway and slowly peeked in but noticed that Tove wasn't there. But Jensen he just smiled and said with a happy voice "Madde! Come in!". I smiled and walked in and sat down on the bed and he quickly wrapped his arms around me and gave me a long hug and whispered "It's good to see you again hun.". I just couldn't help but smile and feel really moved and I hugged him back and said "It's so good to see you again too.". He smiled and kissed my cheek and then he looked at me and said "Is everything okay?". I swallowed and nodded but I suppose I wasn't so convincing because he was just about to ask what was going on when the door opened and Tove walked in. Jensen smiled but I took one look at her and saw that hate in her eyes and said "Well... I gotta go... Zara needs me at home.". But Jensen just grabbed my arm and said "No.. Madde please stay. I'm begging you.". I looked into his pleading eyes and sighed and said "okay... fine.". He smiled and let go and then he looked at Tove who walked pass me and gave him a kiss and I walked over to Jared and stood next to his chair but all of the sudden he just pulled me down in his lap and I looked at him surprised and he said "It just looked uncomfortable to stand there when you can sit here.". I smiled and shook my head but stayed in his lap and tried not to get eye contact with Tove. We talked for a while but then Jensen said "okay guys... what's going on? You haven't even looked at each other.". I didn't look at Tove and I bet she didn't look at me either but we knew just what to say "Nothing, everything is fine..". Jared looked at me as he could tell that I was lying and then I said "Well... maybe I should go now.. Zara and Nicky has been at Anton’s grave so they might need me and then Mattias is coming later.". Jensen sighed and said "Fine if you have too... Please come by some time more.". I smiled and walked over to the bed and said "I will. I promise.", he smiled and I bent down and gave him a kiss on his cheek and a big hug and then I turned to Jared and said "Are you going to stay or?". He said "I can drive you home and then I can come back because if you take the car I won't have one.". I smiled and said "okay great, bye Jensen.". He said goodbye and then I looked at Tove but she just looked away so I sighed and walked with Jared out to the car. When we got there and drove off Jared looked at me and said "Jensen is right, isn't he? Something is wrong between you and Tove.". I swallowed and tried to think of a way to escape that subject so I said "I really don't want to talk about it Jare...". He said "Please Madde... You guys are not suppose to fight.", I looked at him and said "How do you know? 'Cos from what i see that is all we ever do. We fight and make up and then we fight but we can't really make up and then we fight again and that fucking crack in our relationship grows bigger and bigger and now I suppose it's way to fucking big to jump over so we are just standing on each side of the gap.". He said "What happened? Something must have happened to make you guys so angry with each other.". I said "I'm not angry with her... I'm sad because I lost her... because she chose someone else... No offence but like I said, I rather not talk about it.". He said "okay... fine... we won't talk about it... but please know that I'm always here for you honey, no matter what.". I smiled at him slightly and said "Thank you Jared. I love you.", he smiled and took my hand and squeezed it and said "I love you too sweety.". After about 35 minutes Jared parked on the drive way to Nicky, Zara and my house and I gave Jared a big hug and a kiss on the cheek and said "Thanks Jared for just being you.". He smiled and said "No problem honey.", I smiled and said goodbye and then I walked inside. I met Emma and Nicky in the kitchen and Nicky got up at once and gave me a hug and took my hand and looked me in the eyes and said "You okay?". I shrugged and Emma said "what's going on?", I looked at her and she looked pretty concerned but I said "Nothing... I don't want to talk about it.". She nodded and said "Well I gotta go upstairs and make myself ready, Mattias should be here in a while.". I smiled and nodded and she walked pass us and I turned to Nicky and said "is Zara picking up Mattias already?". He shook his head and said "no, she's buying groceries and then she was going over to Sara’s for a while and in about 3 hours she is going to pick Mattias up at the airport.". I nodded and we sat down at the table and he said "What happened?", I sighed and said "nothing what so ever... Jared were going to Jensen so I followed him there and of course we met Tove there but she just ignored me so I did the same to her...". He sighed and said "Are you sure about this?". I felt really confused and said "About what?", he said "About not trying with Tove... just letting go?". I said "Nicky... you know better than anyone what I've had to give up to please her... What has she ever had to give up to please me? I've given up something that meant the world to me.... you.". He got up and crouched down in front of me and said "I know sweety. You're right, she hasn't given anything up for you, not what I know of any way...", he took a lock of my hair between his fingertips and gently placed it behind my ear and continued "You shouldn't have to give anything up to be her friend.. She has to let you be the person you are and if she is your best friend then she should know what kind of person you are and love that person and not try to change her... She should love both the good and the bad stuff. I know I do.". I looked into his deep blue eyes and saw the truth he was telling and with so much love. I was totally mesmerized and couldn't pull my eyes away from his but then I felt his hand stroke my arm, up to my neck and he started to move in closer, but very slow, you could almost not tell that he was moving. In a way it felt so right but at the same time the worst thing ever. I quickly removed his hand and broke eye contact and felt really ashamed. He stood up and looked embarrassed as well and he said "I'm sorry.". I ran my fingers through my hair, sighed and got up and stood right in front of him. He looked really sorry and I gently took his hand and walked closer to him and he just looked at me like I was crazy but then I wrapped my arms around his neck and rested my head against his shoulder and I felt how he relaxed and wrapped him arms around my body and just held me tight. I closed my eyes and moved a bit closer and he slowly started to move to the music that was playing on the radio and I just smiled and then he said "In a way it feels like we are back in July again...". I smiled and said "Yeah I know...", I breathed in his scent and said "Nicky...", he looked at me and said "Yeah honey?". I said "Nothing...", he smiled and kissed my forehead and whispered "I love you Madde.". I just closed my eyes and smiled and said "I love you too Nicky.". After a while we broke from the hug and I said "well... aren't you going to start with dinner.". He sighed and said "Yeah I am... Do you want to accompany me?". I nodded and said "sure.", so I sat down at the table and Nicky started to make dinner ready so that it would be done when Zara would come home with Mattias.

Nicky and I had a ball while he was cooking, we were joking around and laughed so hard that we didn't even hear the door open and close. We noticed that Zara had come home when she was standing in the doorway asking what was so fun. Nicky just laughed even harder and had to sit down on a chair and then he said between his fits "Just... Just some memories from Dublin and Sligo!". I just bursted out laughing when I tought about it again and then Zara just nodded and said "Well obviously it was very funny.". I laughed and walked over to her and said "Yeah it was. Hi honey.". she smiled and said "Hey.", then I kissed her and then she said "Well... Mattias is in the hallway... Come on.". Nicky stopped laughing at once and followed me and Zara out to the hallway where we found Mattias hugging Emma... or maybe the other way around. When Mattias noticed us he let go of Emma and held out his hand to Nicky and said "It's nice to meet you again Nicky.". Nicky slowly took his hand and chook it and just said "Yeah... hi.", I gave him a mean look and then I gave Mattias a hug and said "Good to see you again, how's Patrik and Lennart?". He smiled and said "They are just fine thanks.", then he looked around and then he said "Has someone cooked? It smells great!". I smiled and stood next to Nicky and took his arm and said "Yep, it's nico!". Nicky just looked at me and smiled and then he said "Yeah without so much help from you.". I laughed and hit him in the side and he just laughed and said "Yeah well anyway, dinner is ready. Let's eat.". I smiled and was the first one to head to the kitchen and sit down at the table and everyone else followed me. During dinner we talked a lot about Mattias trip and how things are in Malmö and stuff like that and after dinner Emma and Mattias went to unpack mattias bags and make him seattled in. Zara, Nicky and I on the other hand sat down in the livningroom to watch some tv and just have a good time and relax.

But then all of the sudden my phone rang so I picked it up and got quite a shock when I heard Pontus say "Hey beautiful!". I just smiled and said "Hey handsome!! How are you!?", he laughed and said "Happy to hear from me or what? I'm just fine, how are you?". I laughed too and said "Yeah I got really surprised. Well that's good. yeah I'm doing good... some ups and downs at the moment.". He said "Oh.. how come? Why the downs?", I told him to hang on and then I excused myself and went up to mine and zaras room and laid down on the bed and said "Well... Tove and I aren't friends anymore and if she get's to chose we will never be friends again...". He said "What? why not? what happened Madde?". I sighed and told him the whole story but said "Just so you know, I don't want you to take sides because I can't feel like you are letting me down... I need you as my friend Pontus.". He said "Well the only thing I can say then is that I hope everything will fix itself and that I'm here if you need me honey. I'm not going to stop being your friend just because of this with Tove. If I got through a divorce with you and is still your friend then I think I can be friends with you even because of this.". I smiled and said "Thanks Pontus. We should do something some day.. I miss you.". He said "Your welcome sweety. Yeah we should for sure, i miss you too Madde. I haven't seen you in some time now.". I said "yeah i know.. maybe next week some day or something like that?". he said "yeah that sounds great. Maybe you'd like to come over for dinner someday next week?". I smiled and said "yeah that sounds amazing. I miss your cooking.". He laughed and said "You do?", I said "Yeah. especially your barbecued meat.". He laughed and said "So you think I should barbecue for you?". i smiled and said "Yeah that is exacly what i think.", he said "Well just because of the fact that it is you then I'll gladly do it.". I smiled and said "You are amazing Pontus.", he said "Yeah I know, so are you.". I laughed and said "Yeah I know... Well I should go back to Nicky and Zara... I'll talk to you later okay?". He said "You do that.. yeah, sounds good. Bye sweety.". I said "byebye babe.", then we hung up and I picked up the computer before I went down stairs so now I'm done blogging I should head downstairs...

Tomorrow you'll hear from Tove again and see how she is doing.

Take care
Love
Madde